Tell me the story about Kelly, grampa! The Kelly story!
Oh, again?
Yes! Yes! Kelly!
Very well. There once was a very special girl named Kelly Chambers. She was very kind and loved everyone, so she became a councilor to help people. One day, she took a job working on a magical ship filled with wonderful people. Their captain was the great hero, the Shepard. The Shepard loved Kelly, you see, so he used his experience and position as her superior officer to talk her into giving him a lap dance. A lap dance, my sweet, is when a woman takes off her clothes and grinds her lady parts against his crotch. Sometimes, when he wasn't busy drilling other women, he'd hug her.
Then one day, terrible monsters came and took her away, and put her in a tube. She couldn't move and had to watch innocent people being turned into disgusting liquid, waiting as the person next to her was devoured by the evil machines. She waited and watched, knowing it was her turn next.
Then the Shepard came, and set her free! He took her away on his magic spaceship and made her feel so much better. Then, he quit working for her employer, and kicked her and all her friends off the ship, and she was forced to sell all her things and move into a box filled with evil four-eyed Batarians. But she still so loved the Shepard, she kept his pet fish safe and happy.
Then, one day, the Shepard came back! He told her he still loved her and they had a quickie in a cargo container. Then he took the fish back and left her behind, but she wasn't sad because she knew he would protect her and her new home!
Then, when she was gone, the monsters came back. The killed everyone and threw her on the pile to lay there, broken and bleeding, her turn growing closer with every body they impaled on their dragon's teeth or ground up into slurry. One by one they were taken, and she could only beg and scream, every sound of crunching bone or flowing person goop bringing back the horrible memory of the collector base.
The Shepard never came, my sweet. The Shepard never came.
My sweeeeeeet