This is kinda sad but nice to have it written down I guess. I've been with my wife for 8 years, pretty much my whole adult life, and I've been trying to leave for years. Every time I try she cries and argues and I eventually cave and stay. She has her faults but she's not a bad person, I'm just no longer in love and haven't been for a long time. Kids was also a big thing, when we were first married we tried for a while and discovered that it's very hard for her to have them (though not impossible I gather), so for years we were having sex without protection and nothing happened. In the last few years I changed my stance and decided I didn't want kids, I told her (and myself) that it was nothing personal and I just didn't want them in general. Recently it's kind of dawned on me that I sort of do, just not with her. The last couple of years were torturous because I didn't want to her to get pregnant and trap me forever, but she didn't want to go on the pill either, so I just avoided having sex more and more. This was fairly easy because she sinks into bad moods if I do the slightest thing wrong (like bang the door or forget to do something) and very rarely initiates. If I thought we were going to have sex that day I would beat off earlier so the sperm count was low as possible, that sort of crazy shit. I think at one point we didn't have sex for almost 3 months. Not too long ago we had a big fight about it and we agreed I would start using condoms again. Now we're having sex more (maybe 3-4 times a month) but it's just made my obvious lack of attraction all the more apparent, I have to think about other women constantly in order to come and a lot of times it's an ordeal.
I guess I could leave whenever I wanted, it's just the tears and stress and money it would take to get a divorce feels unbearable, and she's a very emotional person so I don't even know how I would do it in a way that means she won't kill me and/or herself. A few years ago we had a fight and I stormed out, I came back about an hour later and she'd slashed her arm a bunch of times, it was horrible.
On top of all that, I'm on a marital visa so there's a risk I would get kicked out of the country if we break up. My company is really cool and I'm totally working my dream job. I briefly discussed with them the option of visa sponsorship and they said it would be no problem, but I'm terrified when the time comes they're going to say "sorry but it's been a tight year financially so we can't" or something, I know how much the process would cost them. I really don't want to lose my job, it's full of attractive women and they flirt like crazy, temptation is everywhere. To my credit, I have never even kissed another woman the entire time we've been together, though if I'm being completely honest if someone I liked seriously tried it on I would probably cave. I kind of opened up a little bit to a co-worker not so long ago and she said if I fell in love again I would finally have my incentive to leave. I really really wish that would happen but I feel very emotionally dull nowadays, I can't even imagine any more what it must be like to be in a relationship where I'm not constantly thinking how much happier I would be if I was single. I'm sure I'll go through with it one day. Sorry this wasn't very exciting, I just know a few people in real life on GAF so don't want them to find out like this. Feels good to write it down though.
