Dating-Age |OT3| Positivity, Confidence, and Not Being a "Nice" Guy
- Thread starter soultron
- Start date
- Status
The Technomancer
card-carrying scientician
Well one thing's for sure: if she wants to be friends she really genuinely wants to be friends. You don't fake the kind of enthusiasm she's shown for talking to me and making plans. So we'll see what happens on the Fourth
Hypereides
Member
I'd say he's not looking for anything serious at the moment. Almost willing to bet he's gotten out from a relationship recently, and hes taking it slow. Or hes still getting over someone in the past. But yeah seems like hes interested.
So youre facing a dilemma: Do you choose to go on and evovle it into a loose physical/sexual friendship/relationship, fuck buddies, friends with benefits etc. etc.. Or do you choose to move on to find someone else more suitable for you.
Thats the options you've got I'd say.
In the long run you might get a relationship.
Also, have you made any physical contact yet? Kissed or had sex as such.
He is out of a relationship just four months. So I guess that might be a factor worth mentioning, yeah...
Hmm. I guess I'm in a slightly different place, not having recent baggage or jitters...my outlook right now is very simplistic. If I like a guy I like a guy.
He moved on me, very passionately - and yes, it went the whole hog. I started by saying 'I'm not going to have sex with you today'. If this was a movie, that would be the point the director cuts to two people in bed sharing a cigarette.
Now he didn't get sudden post-coital nerves either. Like I say, we spent the rest of the afternoon cuddling and sleeping and talking and then went to dinner. It was 'a perfect day'. If this was a more typical hook-up I would not be hung up :\
Hypereides
Member
Youre throwing yourself at him emotionally too fast. From what I can tell you barely know each other that well. But its a positive thing that hes been talking about relationships that early. It means hes considering you as a viable candidate.
If youve slept together, then hes definitely interested and youre safe. Take it slow. Let him come to you.
Dont act impatient, needy, desperate, immature and your efforts should pay off in the coming time.
People have lives too. He may be pretty occupied by work.
He sounds like the kind of guy you have to learn/get to know slowly over time before it developes into something serious. Hes probably not ready yet.
EDIT: P.S: He sounds pretty seductive too, I kinda dig his style. But he might be kind of dangerous to get invovled with.
If youve slept together, then hes definitely interested and youre safe. Take it slow. Let him come to you.
Dont act impatient, needy, desperate, immature and your efforts should pay off in the coming time.
People have lives too. He may be pretty occupied by work.
He sounds like the kind of guy you have to learn/get to know slowly over time before it developes into something serious. Hes probably not ready yet.
EDIT: P.S: He sounds pretty seductive too, I kinda dig his style. But he might be kind of dangerous to get invovled with.
So yeaterday I asked a friend who's in town for a few days if she was up to seeing a movie and haven't gotten a reply yet. Last week however we kind of made plans to hang out and go see a film.
Should I call her or text again asking about a response or just leave it and if I get no text then I guess that's that?
Should I call her or text again asking about a response or just leave it and if I get no text then I guess that's that?
Thanks.
I guess my fear is that the bolded has already happened, that I f-ed up things too much for him to be interested. I've given his precise responses to the two little dramas we had...I don't know, I think they could be read (cautiously) optimistically or pessimistically. It's a bit ambiguous to me, dunno if that last message was a polite f off or another 'slow down'. The guarded part of me daren't hope for just the latter, but he had every opportunity to just let me pass, particularly with my last little outburst.
edit - re. the work thing...he was off this week. but it was a very busy week socially (pride) and he is a popular boy. but i think it's less to do with busy-ness anyway, and probably more to do with not wanting anything heavy or fast. In which case I was saying and doing all the wrong things since Tues...
I've never seen smoother moves. He caught me completely off guard. But yeah I think I'd have to be careful...
Hypereides
Member
This is coming from a guy experienced with this kind of stuff. So yeah, the most suavey/smooth ladies and men should be a big fucking red light for most people. Most cant handle it. Speaking for myself I can; since Im currently dating a seductress, a self-confessed female player. So watch yourself. Or you might end up getting hurt.
You should keep yourself at a distance. Dont get attached just yet.
By the way, whats the age difference between the two of you?
Yeah, that's probably true.
I fell very easily into a sense of security when with him that just got blown up afterward. I don't know if there was a conscious game on his part, but it all just seemed verrrry smooth and 'perfect'.
We're the same age.
FO-totality
Poet Centuriate
It better not be women asking you this these questions, because if so...
Indeed.
Hell no. It's usually family or like male friends/acquaintances.
FO-totality
Poet Centuriate
I was about to say. I might be blind with women, but if you miss cues like that, then there's no hope!
But yeah, I get that shit a lot too. Nothing you can really do but shrug it off, I guess.
Glorified G
Member
If people thought you were an ugly pos who couldn't get a girl, they wouldn't be asking that.
Hypereides
Member
Explain.
FO-totality
Poet Centuriate
This a million times. Unless they were asking that to be douches/joking, but lets stay positive.
Yeah I guess not, it just kind of pisses me off.
Come on, it's just a conversation piece I'm guessing. I usually just answer with a mealy-mouthed "pretty good" usually. Try and dodge it as well.
I've never been successful with women, and I'm not sure if those people asking are trying to poke fun, or just are oblivious to it.
Definitely.
I've never really been asked that question by anyone, so it's probably a good thing Izick.
FO-totality
Poet Centuriate
Conversation piece or not, do you think they'd ask it in a non-condensing way to (for lack of a better visual subject) a basement-dweller?
Hypereides
Member
I don't know, maybe it is, it just kind of pisses me off and makes me frustrated when I hear about it, and plus I have to lie to their face right after because what am I going to say? "Pretty badly, I think I might be invisible to anyone with a vagina."
I guess not, I just always thought it was them trying to be friendly, but it still just sometimes makes me frustrated.
I know how you feel Izick.
My mom and dad always have awkward ways of talking about girls with me and I just usually get very defensive and shut down. I know their intentions are sincere, but it's a topic I never liked to discuss since I too have always sucked with women.
My mom always tries to tell me about little tips to impress girls and shit, or tries to set me up with younger girls at her work.
My dad on the other hand is very blunt and straight-forward. He'll just flat out ask "so, how are things going for you? Do you have a girlfriend?" I would always just chuckle and say no. "Well, why not? You're a good looking young man, you should easily find a nice girl." Then I'm just like ughhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh and pissed off. Even though he means no harm by it.
I recently told my sister about the current girl I'm seeing so that the news could trickle down to my parents through her. If I would tell them about it directly I'd be faced with a million awkward questions again lol.
My mom and dad always have awkward ways of talking about girls with me and I just usually get very defensive and shut down. I know their intentions are sincere, but it's a topic I never liked to discuss since I too have always sucked with women.
My mom always tries to tell me about little tips to impress girls and shit, or tries to set me up with younger girls at her work.
My dad on the other hand is very blunt and straight-forward. He'll just flat out ask "so, how are things going for you? Do you have a girlfriend?" I would always just chuckle and say no. "Well, why not? You're a good looking young man, you should easily find a nice girl." Then I'm just like ughhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh and pissed off. Even though he means no harm by it.
I recently told my sister about the current girl I'm seeing so that the news could trickle down to my parents through her. If I would tell them about it directly I'd be faced with a million awkward questions again lol.
Yeah, mine would usually just come from semi-close relatives like aunts, uncles, cousins, etc. I especially hated when a couple of my friends would ask; I remember there was this one fucking pretty-boy motherfucker that asked me, and we weren't really great friends, so I'm not sure if he was serious or just busting my chops. Either way I leave the conversation a little less of a man.
My parents just ask me if im gay. Last Christmas my drunk uncle over the phone (who is a racist and homophobic, but i still love him) said it would be cool with him if i was gay.
There's no hope for me at this point. The stigma is too great, experience too little, and i am too old.
Bucket-o-roadkill
Member
I feel this pain, completely. After a break for the first half of 2011 I have been trying online dating for around about a year. It has been totally useless, I have no trouble talking to women, online or offline. I share your problem of basically not being handsome. I seem to have fallen from the ugly tree. I send women messages and 1 of 3 things happen.
1. They look at my profile and dont reply to me.
2. We chat, she's really interested, she adds my facebook so gets to see more of my pictures and losses interest.
3. We chat, we swap facebooks, she continues to be interested until we meet in real life, then barely hear from them again.
People can say things like oh, you're negative, you gotta dress 'sharper' and all this crap, but the bottom line is you cant get a brain transplant. You are stuck with the face and body that you have. No amount of wardrobe changes, working out, diet changes, etc will make you more 'attractive' or whatever if you're just a bit of an ugly git. The cards you're dealt can be cruel.
soundahfekz
Member
Online dating is not where you need to be when trying to get a feel for approaches and successful dating, unless you're prepared to deal with a woman not responding, or being inconsistent and are able to move on to the next without hesitation.
Online dating is like an a woman standing in the middle of a football field with thousands of men in the arena looking to date, or fuck. She'll have the luxury of being able to list totally unrealistic expectations for men to meet, and all the variables that might've made you attractive to her on approach in person, are lost when you don't meet a specific set of visual standards (be it you physically, or checking your profile). An attractive woman online can almost literally choose who she wants to be involved with.
To make matters more complicated, you've had some issues with confidence and interaction. I'm hoping how you'll start to see why it isn't always the greatest idea when trying to build confidence and social skill to initiate dates online. I guarantee each and every one of you has had an interaction with a woman who if you look back, you were oblivious to her attraction to you, or had a hunch, but wasn't sure how to extract it out of her.
Key thing is to be yourself. Not the nervous, twitchy constantly-thinking-guy that says to himself "im being myself", but the person who if his story involves an impression, or emotion, or the silliest shit ever he runs with it.
You shouldn't be swapping facebook either. I wouldn't provide facebook information unless a woman is damn near about to become my girlfriend. Too many complications can happen from this, and impressions about your life can be made that are entirely inaccurate.
bull shit ass shit man.
The investment you put into yourself exudes from you in the form of confidence. Working out, dressing well, etc will def separate you from the pack, and most importantly, make you FEEL good. The key is CONSISTENCY in all that you do. You can't get fly one day, then show up in some bart simpson ass get up the next. Embody your style and your commitment to self improvement, and make it a staple of your personality and watch what happens.
soundahfekz
Member
Yep
Well then, not to be rude or condescending, but you have no fucking idea what you're talking about with that last part of your post then. If you're just facially ugly, then you can't do shit, besides surgery or something drastic. You can try all the nice clothes and work out, and pretend to be confident, but at the end of the day the ugly person is still ugly. You can dress a pig up, but at the end of the day, it's still a fucking pig.
It's a trap, retreat, retreat!!!
Anyway, some of you may be happy (relieved?) to know I'm setting up some therapy soon. I dunno if I'll have money for long term but we'll see. Maybe one day I will be normal enough to post in here properly.
Cheers all, and thanks for posting at me when I whined, it helped push me to try talking to someone.Count Dookkake
Member
Some women (and men, too, I suppose) like "ugly" guys. It helps if you are in shape, though.
The Orange
Member
Well, look at Leeness's avatar. And she posts the same self-defeating stuff you do, how she'll never have a boyfriend, she's meant to be alone etc. The evidence is right there in your face. Along with the fact that everyone of us here, even you I'd bet, has definitely seen a few ugly dudes pull some great girls.
Everything you've posted here is a textbook case of someone with low confidence and negative thought patterns. You could change it, but it's much easier and in a weird way more comfortable to place the blame on unchangeable factors, because then you're off the hook, and you can stay in your comfort zone, never trying, never changing... I was going to write a more extensive post, but then I remembered that other people have already posted walls of text trying to get the point across, so at this point, it's on you to either buckle up or continue waving the white flag.
This kind of thing just isn't true! Snap out of it. You're only as ugly as you believe you are. So yeah, you are probably hideous in your own eyes, and in others, because that's ALL you ever rant about in here, man. True or not, like Cubsfan23 said, tell yourself that you are a million times hotter than the hottest girl, and eventually it'll become reality. You need to create new beliefs, because the ones you currently have about a lot of things in general just aren't helping you at all. You seem full to the brim with negativity, which is fully understandable, and that stuff will always shine through to other people, both online and offline.
Good for youIt's a trap, retreat, retreat!!!
Anyway, some of you may be happy (relieved?) to know I'm setting up some therapy soon. I dunno if I'll have money for long term but we'll see. Maybe one day I will be normal enough to post in here properly.
It'll probably do wonders for you and your life in no time at all. The amount of joy in these few words are already quite different from the usual tone.I've had a crush on a few women who probably were never called pretty or beautiful in their entire lives, but they had good/great bodies and heavenly asses. Their personalities were also pretty attractive too.
I know this has to apply to women as well, since I've seen some butt-ugly dudes that had great bodies, with some amazingly gorgeous chicks.
This kind of thing just isn't true! Snap out of it. You're only as ugly as you believe you are. So yeah, you are probably hideous in your own eyes, and in others, because that's ALL you ever rant about in here, man. True or not, like Cubsfan23 said, tell yourself that you are a million times hotter than the hottest girl, and eventually it'll become reality. You need to create new beliefs, because the ones you currently have about a lot of things in general just aren't helping you at all. You seem full to the brim with negativity, which is fully understandable, and that stuff will always shine through to other people, both online and offline.
Good for you
It's all I rant about because that's how I honestly feel. I don't see how me pretending to look good is going to fool women into thinking I look good. Thinking can't change appearance.
The Orange
Member
Well you've already tried pretending to be ugly as hell and standing around at parties hiding in the corner acting like a miserable sack of shit, and that's not really working out is it? So how about you try something different, starting with the extensive list of advice you've gotten here, from people who have went through the exact same problems you have now, and overcame them successfully?
Edit: I'm wound a bit too tight today, but I just get angry when people are so ready to cocoon themselves up in self-pity, thinking there is something special about them, something so wrong, no one else has gone through anything remotely like that. Reminds me of obese people complaining how they can never lose weight, because of this and that. Then someone shows them the video of that wheelchair-bound 45-year old obese veteran who was told he'd never walk again going through a monumental transformation which ends up with him sprinting in the park, doing handstands and god knows what. You can see that it's such powerful evidence to the exact opposite of their thinking, that the mental gymnastics it would require to convince themselves that it's not possible after seeing that are just too difficult, and they just go "damn, I guess it is possible". I wish someone could show you the equivalent of that in dating-age, so the excuses would dry up.
Didn't pretend to do that, and I said that I don't just hide in a corner or shy-away at parties. In fact, two or three parties ago, a very cute girl that I use to know from school came up to me and asked how I was doing and talked about stuff. Of course nothing came out of it, but it still happened.
You need to change what you honestly feel. Yeah, thinking can't change your physical appearance, but it can change other's perception of you. If people see someone who is down on his luck and generally distraught with themselves, they'll feel X about that person. But if the same person had accepted his looks for what they are, and feel confident in himself, they would feel Y. I've seen you write that you've tried everything and it hasn't worked. The only logical thing to do then is to try the opposite, or the "crazy" ideas as it's only stupid to repeat the same mistakes in hope that it'll work the next time. I've also seen you write things like "I'm not comfortable with that", "I don't find that very appealing" and "I don't think that's pleasant". Well, maybe you need to stop giving a shit about what you think and just go for it anyway. Greatness happen outside the comfort zone. It's tough love here, but you really need to do those things that you don't want to do. Take your opinions out of the picture for a while. They are holding you back and are hurting you the most at the moment, from what I can tell.
Why are you still here? If your conclusion is you're too unattractive to find any dates and we can't convince you otherwise, there is nothing further to discuss, right? This thread isn't titled "How much does attractiveness matter while dating?" or "Pity party-age" so you don't belong here. Your posts do more harm than good wasting everyone's time and dragging already depressed gaffers into your quagmire of self-pity. Either listen to masud's advice and step up to the plate or as prologue suggested GTFO.
Liu Kang Baking A Pie
Member
Always feeling bad for yourself puts off other dudes, too, as seen by what's happening in this thread. It's your own knife in your own back.
You have to deal with the cards you've been dealt. This is your one life. Get over yourself and make changes and follow advice from people who are actually having success or just cry forever about yourself I guess.
You have to deal with the cards you've been dealt. This is your one life. Get over yourself and make changes and follow advice from people who are actually having success or just cry forever about yourself I guess.
BobsRevenge
I do not avoid women, GAF, but I do deny them my essence.
I typically just respond to something like that with, "God no. Have you ever met a woman? They like to ask questions and they, you know, do things and crap. I hate it."
Just a silly response. Comes off confident, and no one comes out of it learning anything. Then you change the subject.
boy, ann frank sure had it easy compared to you.
Just got back from a date. All things considered I think I went fairly well. We had a lot of fun talking to each other and as things progressed we got closer and closer physically. Her last train left at around 12:00 so I walked her back to the station, and unlike so many other dates before, I immediately went for the kiss. We made out until the doors closed. Unless there are unexpected second thoughts on her account I'll see her again on Friday. *crosses fingers*
I still feel I made some silly mistakes along the way that might hamper things, but hey at least there is progress.
I still feel I made some silly mistakes along the way that might hamper things, but hey at least there is progress.
The Orange
Member
See what you just did there? You got on the defensive and you mentioned a positive event that happened to you, an event which you've said many times doesn't ever happen to you (cute girls coming to talk to you). Too bad you don't keep those events in mind, but only the negative ones.
Look, spend half the energy you do here coming up with excuses on being more positive, and you're golden. It's a simple decision, do you want to have a good life, be happy in general, and have success with women? What you're doing now is obviously not a road to that, so stop fucking doing it, and try something else.
The only people that get "hate" in here are people who refuse to help themselves. If everyone just let that go on, we'd have a thread filled with negative nancies convincing each other how they are never going to get a woman. Like someone else said, this is not a "pity me" thread, this is a thread to help people get better at dating, and better at relationships.
She was just an old friend from school, it meant nothing. It was a positive event only because I saw somebody I used to know back in the day, that was all; like I said at the tail-end of the post, nothing at all came from it.
Starting to get that feeling, so maybe I will. Even though no mod or anyone has said anything like I should stop posting or whatever. Either way I guess I forgot everyone has to be happy all the time and no one has it bad!
FO-totality
Poet Centuriate
Dude, look back in this thread about a guy named Combine. He had the same issue both in in real life and in this thread for a long time and got banned. We're not here to hate on you, the last thing I would ever want to is spout hate on another human being. Tough love, maybe, but surely you can see that your attitude isn't helping matters.
Just step out of the thread and relax, reflect, meditate, go on a hike, and maybe sleep it off before you step even farther into a bad situation. I'm not hating on you, man, but go clear your head and reflect, okay?
Liu Kang Baking A Pie
Member
Every person on the planet has it bad. Something is wrong with everyone. We just handle our shit like adults.
People that tackle their problems with legitimate humor and good attitudes are the most attractive people on Earth.
To be fair it is this attitude that also contributes to a negative attitude for many in this thread, as its the equivalent of a rich guy claiming 'woe is me! I didn't make a million today i have problems!!'
There are differing degrees of problems, meaning things are more difficult for others. Many times you have good looking folk in this thread posting advice to just be yourself and the women will come in droves! That just aggravates the miserable folk to call bullshit.
Ideally there should be separate threads for the have and have-nots but gaf off-topic is not a forum designed for dating so its consolidated here.
- Status