Depression
- Thread starter Jea Song
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Not in the best mood today. Yesterday I planned on getting some things done and relaxing with a book, but I just didn't get around to it. Went down to the annual Rhythm and Boom fireworks show last night, alone of course, and left after 20 minutes for feeling like a loser for being the only one there by myself. It was pretty, though....never seen a fireworks show from the other side of a lake, with the fireworks reflected over the water. Went back home and did nothing until I fell asleep.
Woke up this morning and spent an hour lying in bed wondering what reason I even have to bother getting up. I fucking hate that feeling. I'm stuck in this shit life and I see no way out.
Also, I stopped going to the gym 6 weeks ago, but still paying for my membership. I tell myself I'll start going again, so I haven't cancelled yet, but there's a part of me that keeps saying "why bother". Not like I'll be taking my shirt off for any ladies any time soon.
Woke up this morning and spent an hour lying in bed wondering what reason I even have to bother getting up. I fucking hate that feeling. I'm stuck in this shit life and I see no way out.
Also, I stopped going to the gym 6 weeks ago, but still paying for my membership. I tell myself I'll start going again, so I haven't cancelled yet, but there's a part of me that keeps saying "why bother". Not like I'll be taking my shirt off for any ladies any time soon.
TheExplodingHead
Banned
First you need to decide if you actually want help and are willing to accept it and implement it, and then do something about it. From the sound of it you seem like you want to find a better quality of life and atmosphere, which is good.
But let me tell you something you probably already know. Life may not get much better for you, that's the objective truth. Lots and lots of terrible things and moments can keep piling up on you, and probably most painfully from places you didn't think it was possible. You mention homophobia was involved, that probably won't get much better in your lifetime. Your anxiety and paranoia can spiral out of control unexpectedly and you may truly be mentally unable to do anything. Contrary to popular belief severe depression rarely gets any better with age, regardless of "help" or pharmaceuticals. You need to start thinking of it as a disease which you manage as well as you can everyday.
I guess what I'm trying to say is, don't hope for a miracle or amazing piece of advice from anyone. If you need pharmaceuticals my advice is seek out the ones that make you feel better, not the doctor's ethics. If you seek therapy, talk straight and be willing to implement or at least try behavior changes. No matter what anybody else will tell you, mental health for a lot of people is a personal project, not a collective one. So that means it's on you to make changes and accept help.
You could look really good while being refused service at convenience stores and fast food restaurants.
killamajig
Member
I got to "hear" Rhythm and Booms while working. That's kinda depressing too.
As someone who is coming out of a year long major depression/suicide attempt, I know saying things will get better sounds hollow. I had people tell me " Hey, it can't get any worse!" And then it did get worse. Also saying I felt like shit for a lot of years isn't what one would like to hear. But the one thing that was the key to coming out the other side of a dark tunnel was patience/determination. The problem is I could do all sorts of things, meds, therapy exercise but none of those things suddenly make the sadness and pain go away. I just had to wait it out. I looked at it like a alcoholic saying they won't drink today. I told myself today isn't the day I put my 12gauge under chin and do it right this time. I really had to force myself to get up and do what I needed to be doing. Some days i failed but I figured what's the worse thing that can happen? My wife could leave me, I could wreck my car, my parents could still be a-holes, lose my job and have a good friend betray me? Well... shit! That's already happened.
It's like your sitting through a bad movie. You can get up and walk out and not know how it ends or since you already paid for the ticket sit through to the end and see if it has some great plot twist that makes the whole thing worth it. I paid for my " life" ticket I'd rather see how it plays out than get up and walk out. Maybe my life will turn out to be a shitty movie. Either way this movie will end and I came to the conclusion I'm going to sit through it.
I still have bad days but now there are more good than bad. And to those thinking about killing themselves..... you are tougher than you think. Look what you have endured. You are still here. Stay here. Once you leave the theater you can't come back.
People at work are starting to notice that I'm dealing with something, they say I never smile. I don't think they know I'm depressed though.
I hope I'm not pissing anybody off by just sporadically posting a few very short/succinct thoughts here and there in this thread. I talk to a few people about being depressed in real life and come here when I don't have a way to talk to them or am not comfortable in doing so for whatever reason. It's sorta like I know I need to let some thoughts out somewhere but I feel like a burden/annoyance with it most of the time. Even when I type just the shortest thought in here I always pause for a few minutes before clicking "submit reply" wondering if it's even worth it to voice it at all, and almost always end up crying. I never really used to cry because of my depression but I feel like I have been a lot lately. I dunno. Thanks for being here and reading.
I hope I'm not pissing anybody off by just sporadically posting a few very short/succinct thoughts here and there in this thread. I talk to a few people about being depressed in real life and come here when I don't have a way to talk to them or am not comfortable in doing so for whatever reason. It's sorta like I know I need to let some thoughts out somewhere but I feel like a burden/annoyance with it most of the time. Even when I type just the shortest thought in here I always pause for a few minutes before clicking "submit reply" wondering if it's even worth it to voice it at all, and almost always end up crying. I never really used to cry because of my depression but I feel like I have been a lot lately. I dunno. Thanks for being here and reading.
I'm constantly asked "Why are you so quiet?" at work. Do people realize how awkward a question that is to a person that's already awkward as hell? Every time someone asks me that I just feel like walking out and never coming back. It sucks to feel so isolated even when you're surrounded by people.
AFollowerNotALeader
Member
Some positivity (I hope!)
We all come here to share how miserable we are.
I mentioned a while back that I'd gone back on Citalopram in March, and I'm genuinely feeling a lot better. I still have off days but they are relatively rare and hell, normal people have off days too.
Thanks to everyone here for their advice and support. It's really nice to have somewhere to come and vent!
We all come here to share how miserable we are.
I mentioned a while back that I'd gone back on Citalopram in March, and I'm genuinely feeling a lot better. I still have off days but they are relatively rare and hell, normal people have off days too.
Thanks to everyone here for their advice and support. It's really nice to have somewhere to come and vent!
Reneledarker
Banned
The party that ruled for more than 70 years fucking my country got elected back to power, I'm officially depressed.
Still no video.
Yeah I hate that shit.
RatskyWatsky
Hunky Nostradamus
I hate when people ask me this. Hate it.
Glad to hear it, man!
I'm sorry I haven't been around here much, but my beloved son brought back yet another insane cold from daycare, and I've been lying in bed having crazy fever dreams, coughing up things unknown to science, and waiting for death's sweet kiss. I'm sort of amazed at how strong I've been in the face of crippling depression, as I'm a total baby about getting colds. It doesn't help that having a kid in daycare is like living with a giant petri dish that wants constant hugs.
If I don't live through this, I want Trigunner to carry on my legacy of writing way too much and trying to save the world through forum posts and PMs. Also, write my memoirs for me, but fictionalize the hell out of them. If I wrote them, they'd be 90+% stories about my cats, so edit that shit down. But still dedicate the book TO my cats. I'll send you an outline from my deathbed.
So start working on that, I'll take this Z-pack, and we'll talk in a week if I become one of the lucky few (billion) who survives the common cold. If you don't have a epic introduction done, I'm going to be pissed. But no pressure!
I'm a quiet person too. I also don't have a natural smile. When my face is relaxed it looks like I'm frowning. So when I'm working people always tell me to be happy or ask why I'm so sullen. It's equally as annoying.
This may sound tough but force yourself to make an ever so slight smile at all times. The great part is it isn't tough at all after awhile and eventually your base expression will move to neutral or smile at some point. Not only will you not get the same negative reactions anymore, but you'll feel better overall and people will respond more positively to you
I get that, too. Part of it is that I'm just quiet, and the other part if my friends know me well enough to know when I'm going into a depression spell.
I don't know how to answer that question. I tell people I'm shy, which I am, until I get to know someone quite well. Saying you're shy tends to make people feel a little more charitable towards you. I dunno. That might help.
dragonelite
Member
Had a depressed period in my life after failing what is by most people considered the easiest course my college offers within 4 months. I felt like a really loser. And had to work to pay the bills and it was a shitty job too did that for 7 months decided to try doing Computer science best choice i ever made. And im actually feeling like im doing something with my life instead of feeling like a loser. I actually have a smile on my face again.
Not that hard of a story like some of the others but there is always a way even if it means you need to look back and reboot your life and expectations.
Not that hard of a story like some of the others but there is always a way even if it means you need to look back and reboot your life and expectations.
My last workplace people would say stuff like this to me. I'd just shamelessly say something like "I don't like talking" with a smile. They'd start laughing. In the end I was legendary for being quiet but every single person was positive towards me.
The problem isn't the people around you, the problem is how you react to them. Don't let them negatively affect you, you should be comfortable with who you are, you should accept who you are. When you accept who you are, other people will accept it. You're feeling isolated, but then that's because you're not being honest with the people around you.
You're projecting negative vibes to people and they don't know why which makes them feel uncomfortable. You can just tell people straight you got a lot on your mind, that you got problems you're dealing with. The point isn't to say you've got problems and you want to burden them with it. The point is to say you got issues, and to cut you a bit of slack. People will accept this and they'll be supportive.
RatskyWatsky
Hunky Nostradamus
This may sound tough but force yourself to make an ever so slight smile at all times. The great part is it isn't tough at all after awhile and eventually your base expression will move to neutral or smile at some point. Not only will you not get the same negative reactions anymore, but you'll feel better overall and people will respond more positively to you
I always try to smile at everyone I see, but pretty much every time they look at me like I have two heads.
I saw this a few days ago and thought of this thread. It's how I imagine many people in this thread start each morning (but in a lighthearted way).
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=gBM6QkG0xeY
Hope you're all doing OK.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=gBM6QkG0xeY
Hope you're all doing OK.
Super low mood today.
The weather is decent and I want to get out the house, but I have no real desire to go anywhere. I live in a small city with very little to 'do', which leads me to doing the same things over and over again.
I'm really starting to once again feel the weight of my loneliness and lack of social life. It seems to be a cycle where I become comfortable with my loneliness and then something triggers me and suddenly I can feel it crushing me. I've tried to change this many times before, with very little luck, so it's just become frustrating.
...I think I'll go to the library, which I do a lot, even though I rarely read any books.
The weather is decent and I want to get out the house, but I have no real desire to go anywhere. I live in a small city with very little to 'do', which leads me to doing the same things over and over again.
I'm really starting to once again feel the weight of my loneliness and lack of social life. It seems to be a cycle where I become comfortable with my loneliness and then something triggers me and suddenly I can feel it crushing me. I've tried to change this many times before, with very little luck, so it's just become frustrating.
...I think I'll go to the library, which I do a lot, even though I rarely read any books.
I think loneliness is a common trigger for a lot of us. We seek it out, even though it's ultimately destructive. I need to surround myself with people and I love life. Then I choose to hide from the world and just hate myself. I recognize a need for solitude and reflection, but I know I take it too far.
Hence the reason we should all share in here and via PMs. None of us are alone. We're connected by this disease and it gives us an immediate bond. We're not alone, and we matter to each other.
Hence the reason we should all share in here and via PMs. None of us are alone. We're connected by this disease and it gives us an immediate bond. We're not alone, and we matter to each other.
This is very true.
I attended group therapy dealing around cognitive therapy for a couple months, and even though I was the youngest there and we all had different issues surrounding depression and anxiety it was still nice to be around others with similar issues working to get better.
vatstep
This poster pulses with an appeal so broad the typical restraints of our societies fall by the wayside.
I guess I'm rare in that I prefer being alone; I don't think I've ever felt lonely in my life. I see my family once, maybe twice a year even though most of them live no more than 15 miles away. I have a couple of good friends, but I almost never see them (again, a few times a year) and blow them off or make up excuses as to why I can't hang out more often than I should — I think the only reason why they haven't given up on me (like others have) is because we've known each other since we were kids, and they just know how I am at this point. Hell, my girlfriend of five years broke up with me and moved out a couple of months ago, leaving me with the lease, the rent and all of the bills, and after being upset for about a day I realized that I just love having an apartment to myself again. I almost feel bad saying it, but I don't really miss her at all. As of right now, I have no interest in seeking out another relationship and can't really fathom that changing any time soon.
There's a form of self-sabotage - when you're thinking "I'm being boring," you tend to just trail off and stop making sense. And people feel it. I've been in plenty of conversations where it's clear that not even the other person wants to be hearing what he's saying. I know it's due to depression, but it's hard to put up with all the same.
RatskyWatsky
Hunky Nostradamus
I think I have that.
It seems appropriate, on the 4th of July, to remark that our (generally agreed upon) finest president almost certainly suffered from depression.
This book argues that it actually shaped his greatness.
"I am now the most miserable man living. If what I feel were equally distributed to the whole human family, there would not be one cheerful face on the earth. Whether I shall ever be better I can not tell; I awfully forebode I shall not. To remain as I am is impossible; I must die or be better, it appears to me."
Fortunately for our country, he got better. Unfortunately for our country, he still died.
This book argues that it actually shaped his greatness.
"I am now the most miserable man living. If what I feel were equally distributed to the whole human family, there would not be one cheerful face on the earth. Whether I shall ever be better I can not tell; I awfully forebode I shall not. To remain as I am is impossible; I must die or be better, it appears to me."
Fortunately for our country, he got better. Unfortunately for our country, he still died.
Distorted thinking is the main target of CBT. You could really benefit It's harder if you have psychosis or some other problem, obviously, but CBT is all about identifying our thoughts and figuring out where they're coming from, and how we're distorting reality in many of our mentally ill thoughts.
Check out "Mind Over Mood" .
malingenie
Member
Good for him. It is like coming out of the closet. I did it recently and over the long run it felt liberating. Makes you realize how profound the stigma on mental disorders are.
Freeza Under The Shower
Member
It seems appropriate, on the 4th of July, to remark that our (generally agreed upon) finest president almost certainly suffered from depression.
This book argues that it actually shaped his greatness.
"I am now the most miserable man living. If what I feel were equally distributed to the whole human family, there would not be one cheerful face on the earth. Whether I shall ever be better I can not tell; I awfully forebode I shall not. To remain as I am is impossible; I must die or be better, it appears to me."
Fortunately for our country, he got better. Unfortunately for our country, he still died.
Neil Postman comments on Lincoln in 'aumsing ourselves to death' as a man without a single picture of him smiling, his wive being a psychopath, and him suffering from regular bouts of depression.
But then living in a time where people would hear people talk for HOURS at a time is hardly a time where people are expected to smile constantly anyway. and I do mean like, five hours in a row.
Everything was serious business back then, apparently. And yet we feel more stressed out than they did. Now that's funny.
(the latter position is explored to some extend in 'gen ME' by Jean Twenge)
Insane Metal
Member
I've been out of Bromazepam for a week now and I can't sleep anymore. Shit. And no, I'm not doing it on my on, it was the treatment. But I guess it didn't work.
Okay, I had to look up Bromazepam because that sounds like the fake "bro" benzo. I stand corrected.
Benzos are okay for short term sleep trouble - here, temazepam ("Restoril") is popular, but they change your sleep phases so you don't get as good sleep. I know that some times you just need that anxiolytic, shut down the brain thing, but you need something longer term.
http://www.amazon.com/dp/0471149047/?tag=neogaf0e-20
This book is popular here. It's all about sleep hygiene and setting yourself up for good sleep. the other thing is to avoid any kind of screen time around bed time. The light is exactly the kind that keeps you up.
That said, talk to your doc if the benzos are working. You can try temazepam or klonopin or one of the other long-acting benzos, but yo might end up with a hangover. If it's really bad, get a sleep study. You may have a specific sleep disorder.
I hope that helped.
Charoncaori
Member
I've been having nightmares. I dreamt that my mom was dying (she died suddenly irl, and I had no idea) , 2 weeks to live, and then it was my boyfriend instead. Dealing with grief is hard enough, but i keep waking up and remembering my depression and wanting to just go back to sleep. I've started the process to get back into therapy, but I'm worried I'll just avoid their calls.
I'm in a court case over the will, and I have to write out all the few times I spoke with her before she died. She had cancer but we're investigating poison as foul play. I own a stupid fucking house across the country now. I'm not registered for classes, which was a condition of my living where I am, and although I'm in no condition to handle that too, it weighs on me.
I think most of what I'm dealing with is grief, but the depression is making me feel like it's never going to get better.
I'm in a court case over the will, and I have to write out all the few times I spoke with her before she died. She had cancer but we're investigating poison as foul play. I own a stupid fucking house across the country now. I'm not registered for classes, which was a condition of my living where I am, and although I'm in no condition to handle that too, it weighs on me.
I think most of what I'm dealing with is grief, but the depression is making me feel like it's never going to get better.
Man, been lurking in this thread for months now; you know, close to write something, but deleting it right after? Well my best wishes to you all guys, anyway.
At least reading it makes me feel like i'm less weird or alone in this; i don't even think i'm clinically depressed (i actually have no idea), but (very often now) there's that.. "wave", my breathing stops for a moment, i have to close my eyes shut, and it's weird cause it's almost random, whatever i'm doing, good or bad moment.
At least reading it makes me feel like i'm less weird or alone in this; i don't even think i'm clinically depressed (i actually have no idea), but (very often now) there's that.. "wave", my breathing stops for a moment, i have to close my eyes shut, and it's weird cause it's almost random, whatever i'm doing, good or bad moment.
ClassyPenguin
Banned
I love Jeff Green and that absolute golden age of 1up.
Speaking of sleeping:
The only thing that never made me hung over of extremely drowsy the next day was ambien. Though I would try to limit myself to not get hooked.
Charoncaori
Member
That sounds kinda like my anxiety attacks...heart kinda hurts for a bit, completely randomly.
Yeah, probably something of the sort.
Canis lupus
Member
Don't be like that. Sometimes when I talk to girls I think I'm boring too, its natural.
ThisWreckage
Banned
I have been drinking more and more. I've even started binge drinking. I really can't assign any sort of meaning to my life whatsoever. Let's say that in some situation I actually find happiness. Well, I wouldn't even be able to assign any meaning to a happy life. I don't understand the point and I'm just a drop in the ocean. Nothing has meaning to me. I am a chronically disappointed person so I would be discontent even if I found any semblance of happiness. Work. Friendship. Romantic relationships. I just don't care anymore. Everything is such an incredible waste of time until the time I actually die.
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