Dear Matt Barkley,
Thank you very much for deciding to forego the millions of dollars you would have earned in the NFL by returning for your senior season here at dear old Southern Cal. I know you were excited by the opportunity to not only achieve personal glory by winning the Heisman, but also by the chance to win a national championship, albeit a mythical one, with your football family. I bet you are probably as upset as I am about losing to Stanford for the fourth (FOURTH!) time in a row. I saw how hard you played Satuday night, and I know you must be tired.
Go ahead, lie down here in the road and let me run over you a couple of times with this bus. I know you've sacrified so much for this team, so what's a little bit more?
Anyway, I have to go film another episode of my hit show for Comedy Central. I look forward to seeing you at practice this week.
Hugs and Kiffins,
Laney