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[I NEED SCISSORS]

Had a pretty terrible night last night. It is always the same trigger - going out with friends. First we went for pre-drinks at a bar, and it was really fun. Aside from a few niggling issues, I was enjoying myself a lot. Then we hit a nightclub afterwards. I love dancing so for a few hours it was great. I felt included with the group and everyone was enjoying my company. Then at around 2am I start looking around, seeing my friends pulling, seeing other people having fun, kissing their girlfriends (or strangers). And it's like a bomb drops, I start to feel like an utter failure in life and get very depressed.

I've got a history of depression and social anxiety (posted in here a couple of times even), but this is becoming so frequent now that it's every time I go out, even just to the shops. Sometimes the effect is delayed for hours afterwards, sometimes days or even weeks, but now it happens during being out. I don't go out much with my friends, perhaps once every month or two, for various reasons.

One thing that definitely gets me down is my appearance. I used to feel attractive to the opposite sex about 5 years ago (i'm 21), but foolishly never acted on any of it so missed out on that stage of life. I'm still a virgin, never even had a kiss let alone a girlfriend. Now I just feel invisible, like no one notices me any more. My self confidence has taken a beating by various snide comments, expectations from friends etc. I've self-diagnosed myself as loveshy, as I cannot imagine myself in a relationship at all. The problems have become so deeply routed that now I actually don't like being touched, which makes the whole dance experience even worse.

The night culminated in going off to the bar to drink by myself, falling down some steps which made everyone laugh at me, and I very nearly got into a fight with a drunk guy who was harassing me in a toilet (I was only half-cut and at breaking point by then). When I did finally get caught up with my friends, I teared up in front of my best friend during the trip home. It was a bit comforting getting it out there, but he has had similar issues and I admit I am jealous of his success in getting over them.

I've tried CBT (made me feel worse, did not help with social issues), been on anti-depressants for a while but stopped due to minor heart arrhythmia, tried doing exercise which does make me feel better, but only temporarily. I kind of feel like I just want to become a recluse, since i'm borderline anyway and going out makes me feel worse.

 

[Windam]

Someone please convince me that life is worth living. I have no friends outside of you guys; nobody bothers to ask if I'm okay and they tend to blame me for "not knowing what I want"; I'm going down a self-destructive path with my thoughts and actions and I can't stop; I have nothing/no one left to cling to. I didn't sleep at all last night and I don't feel tired at all. I'm scared. I'm hopeless. I want to die.

 

[Smiley90]

Someone please convince me that life is worth living. I have no friends outside of you guys; nobody bothers to ask if I'm okay and they tend to blame me for "not knowing what I want"; I'm going down a self-destructive path with my thoughts and actions and I can't stop; I have nothing/no one left to cling to. I didn't sleep at all last night and I don't feel tired at all. I'm scared. I'm hopeless. I want to die.

Live is worth living. There is so much good in this world, so if you feel like there is nothing that you can do make yourself feel better, think about this: Would you wish someone else felt the same way you did? No? Is there anything you think you can do to help others in a similar situation? Or in a completely different, but also shitty situation? Maybe volunteer at a homeless shelter? Go volunteer abroad in Africa and help kids? If you feel like there is, at the moment, nothing in this world to make you feel better, maybe it is your "destiny" to help others feel better.

And then if you think about it, you realize that there are countless others out there who do things selflessly to help people in your situation too. Connect with those people. Who can help you. Help others feel better, and they'll be thankful, and who knows, maybe suddenly you have more meaning in your life.

Giving up might look simple, but then you lose EVERYTHING. Any chance of ever feeling better. I don't want to leave this world without having made positive impact on at least someone else's life, or as many people as possible. Even if it means I will personally never achieve happiness while doing so, simply knowing that I made a positive impact on someone else's life makes me happy. Win-Win.

 

[Natetan]

Someone please convince me that life is worth living. I have no friends outside of you guys; nobody bothers to ask if I'm okay and they tend to blame me for "not knowing what I want"; I'm going down a self-destructive path with my thoughts and actions and I can't stop; I have nothing/no one left to cling to. I didn't sleep at all last night and I don't feel tired at all. I'm scared. I'm hopeless. I want to die.

You're at the bottom man. I know that feeling. It will take mostly your own efforts to pull you off the bottom, and we are here to push you on. It will be tough, but livin is always better than not living no matter how heavy that mental weight seems.

I had a really weird experience last night. I came out to some of my work friends a couple weeks ago, and the one that is most important to me seemed to have a really muted reaction. I was really stressed day and night worried about losing his friendship. We've been hanging out and stuff but everything has felt off. I texted him a few days ago telling him a friend if mine was going to come on a thing we did yesterday. Anyway he said for like the third time my Japanese was off lately and I told him i was feeling out of sorts. Well he said he'd ask about it when we hung out (yesterday)

Well we hung out the whom day and no questioning came up which is what I assumed would happen. The last 20 min of he asked what was going on with me. Someone else I didn't really want to hear was sitting next to us, plus I wasn't sure how honest to be with him. I told him "I feel disliked since a couple weeks ago" and he was really suprised, said I wouldn't be invited on these kinds of things if they/he didn't want to hang out with me.

Well we all went our seperate ways, and when I was by myself on a different train I burst into tears. In front of everyone. I tried to hide it by hiring my fac in my hands but the tears were running down my hands. I finally got to a park near my place and just ballled for like 10min.

I don't know why the fuck I was crying. I think it's because I finally confronted partially something that had been a major stressor for me. That friend even texted me afterwards and said some really nice and encouraging things. It's like everything is fine but I still feel off, I don't get it.

 

[jb1234]

Someone please convince me that life is worth living. I have no friends outside of you guys; nobody bothers to ask if I'm okay and they tend to blame me for "not knowing what I want"; I'm going down a self-destructive path with my thoughts and actions and I can't stop; I have nothing/no one left to cling to. I didn't sleep at all last night and I don't feel tired at all. I'm scared. I'm hopeless. I want to die.

I'm honestly not sure myself. I have entire stretches of days where I can't leave my bed because of poor health and until a cure is found, that won't change. But in the end, living is still better than not because there's always a chance that things can get better. Hope always exists, even when it doesn't feel like it. Keep fighting.

 

[Halcyon]

I've been up all night for some reason. I feel anxious or stressed but I don't know what from specifically.

I usually go to bed at like 9. Every time I try to close my eyes my thoughts start racing.

 

[Prax]

I will try ;_; Dunno if I can, but I guess I'll see. :/

You're beautiful, just FYI <3

Oh, you know you can! Easier said than done, but once you start and get momentum going, you'll wonder why you didn't just try it sooner!

Thanks! YOU ARE TOOO!!! .. .. xD
Hurrr.. I am bad at taking compliments, probably due to social anxiety and self-esteem issues.. O__O But I've gotten better!
In fact, not-so-funny story: one of the ways I tried to tackle this combo issue..
JUST SAY THANKS AND ACCEPT IT.

It's still awkward in person, but I practice first with online stuff, especially in DeviantArt where sometimes people just write one words compliments or random stuff like that. I never used to want to reply, because.. SCARY! But.. I think.. one day, I decided to just accept it! A compliment's a compliment, right? Even if you are like me, suspicious and thinking "well, this person doesn't know how much of a huge faking fraud I am" or "this person is just saying it superficially to be polite", the more I accepted it, the more open I felt in general. And the more open you feel, the more genuine you feel. And the more genuine you feel when someone compliments you, the more you feel you deserved it. Right? That's my logical mindset to it, anyway.

YOU DO NOT NEED TO ARMOUR AND DEFEND YOURSELF AGAINST COMPLIMENTS!
ACCEPT THEM AND CARRY ON WITH LIFE!

For me it's just never been there. I could write out things that are positive about me, or go by all the positive feedback I get in various ways, but it doesn't change the way I feel or fix what's missing. I feel like a very incomplete person.

Yeah, it's tough when it always feels like it's not enough. For some, that drives ambition, but for others, it's painful and draining. I think if you feel this kind of mindset is draining for you, that you don't "believe" the substance of the positives, try to figure out (logically) what does feel like a substantial positive in your life. Maybe in the end, you just have unrealistic expectations of yourself.

It took me a while to process and say to myself: "You know what? It's okay to just be short of perfect, to have failed at expectations, and have angsted aimlessly. It's enough that I have tried and suffered, and now I can allow myself to just be happy and enjoy myself." At some point, I needed to realize that lashing at myself all the time for past failures or unreached goals wasn't going to push me to achieve anything any faster, and I needed to let myself relax and enjoy the present.

Maybe it's a chemical thing and meds will help. Maybe a change in environment or pace of your life would be good. Or maybe it is that you are beating yourself up too much without letting yourself just.. enjoy your life.

I am still trying to find that balance too, but I am in a content place right now, which is why I am typing so much in this response instead of drowning in fear of other GAFers discovering my every flaw.

So on a scale of 1 - 10 how messed up is to have a dream about your ex-girlfriend who committed suicide a couple years ago and you feel guilty for not helping out in the end. In the dream she is having issues and problems and i'm there for her, take her to dairy queen and she sits at a table with some balding older guys and starts picking one up for sex right in front of me. I'm sure there is an even deeper meaning but right now its throwing my whole day off. How pathetic am I where in my own dreams i'm getting treated like shit.

Maybe that's like.. a 2? That's not really messed up. She's still in your thoughts, which influences your dreaming.
But it seems like instead of her being her, she is more of a reflection of yourself? You are the caring source, but she seeks attention from a totally different place. Are you sure you're not feeling desperate or in similar distress, and seeking attention or comfort from other places except the ones that care for you or offer you help the most?
That's what I'm getting from it anyway.

And sometimes dreams are just dreams! Like random triggers in memory flared up and linked together and somehow a story was made. If it's more a recurring thing, then it seems those types of memories or feelings are very ingrained, but a one-off thing.. you don't have to put any reliability or ominous significance to it.

Someone please convince me that life is worth living. I have no friends outside of you guys; nobody bothers to ask if I'm okay and they tend to blame me for "not knowing what I want"; I'm going down a self-destructive path with my thoughts and actions and I can't stop; I have nothing/no one left to cling to. I didn't sleep at all last night and I don't feel tired at all. I'm scared. I'm hopeless. I want to die.

Life is pretty good and worth living. Just give yourself permission to enjoy it. Find something good to eat. Enjoy it. Find some music you like. Enjoy it. Roll around in bed and feel the blankets and pillows soften and crush around you. Enjoy it. Throw up your hands and look up tvtropes.com or wikipedia stuff. Enjoy it. Post in a few threads and nerd it up some. Enjoy it!

I said it earlier in my response and I'll say it again here: IT'S OKAY TO BE AIMLESS! Give yourself permission to fall short. Heck knows I fluster and fall and get so frustrated with myself, and everyone else feels that way at times too. You don't need to beat yourself up, destroy yourself, or punish yourself for it. Instead of thinking "I'm fed up with my life/myself", try to redirect your thoughts to "Okay, I'm fed up with punishing myself now. Gotta take a break".
I know it's a little absurd, but just saying it--even out loud in my head--makes me feel so smug and so good about myself: "Welp, suffered enough. I can relax now. *nod* I allow it." Try it. Feel that smug goodness. It's okay!

Revel in your aimlessness and waste time if you must! Feel like a millionaire knowing that you have all this.. what they call.. precious TIME to just do what you please! You exist right now and you may as well use that to enjoy yourself, find humour or absurdity in your situation, and award yourself for being such a good sport so far. Bask, relax, and take solace in all the little things that can be so frivolous but brings you contentment.

I know it can be hard to even fathom allowing yourself to be happy and enjoy being alive, to even think you "deserve" it sometimes.. but then again, why not? Who really "deserves" anything anyway? The heck does that even mean. Just allow it to yourself. It's not like you're stealing "enjoyment" from the ethers to the detriment of others, or that you need special permission from the universe after meeting specific criteria to enjoy the life you're living, whatever kind of life it may be at the time.

I liken it to a dream, where you're oddly bound by some dumb dream-logic to go down a certain path or eventual outcome and feel trapped and confused. Then on waking, you start to realize it is only a dream and you're not doomed at all. And why the heck did you even think you were doomed in the first place? Why didn't you think you could walk the other way? Of course you could have! Dream logic had you fooled, but awake, you realized how absurd it was! Similarly, being trapped in a self-defeating fog of depression is the same. There's an absurdity to it in moments of "wakefulness", and you suddenly see how you limited or handicapped yourself without realizing it: you could have just done this or that instead, walked in another direction, just took the hand being held out to you, decided to enjoy yourself, etc.

There is always hope and there is always another direction to take and something to take solace in. But lacking sleep and messed up sleep schedules will fry your brain and make you feel anxious or locked up (happens to me a lot). When you go to sleep, try not to "give in" or "force yourself". Practice with the mindset of allowing yourself good rest, that you are deciding to let yourself lazily snooze away as a reward for your hard or even not-so-hard day. Make it win-win for yourself sometimes and don't feel guilty about it. The universe does not mind! ;D



I know I kind of rambled a lot, but that is also because I am lacking sleep and stuff, but I hope at least some of you get something out of my personal self-help strategies and existential/philosophical late night ramblings. I hope it doesn't come off as flippant or naive.

Be good to yourselves! Forgive your shortcomings! Give yourself the patience and second, third, fourth, infinity chances you probably always give other people! IT'S NOT LIKE YOU WILL RUN OUT!
And even if you don't believe me now, and it takes a long while, I hope the words will eventually sink in. You all have my love and support--and don't give me that skepticism. Just accept it.
You don't have to shield yourself from the good things in life.

I am now going to try to take my own advice and allow myself some sleep!

 

[zoukka]

Not depressed atm, but mentally exhausted. Regular working hours + freelance work + thesis = very little relaxing time and it's becoming increasingly harder to do so even if time is available. Here's hoping I finish the thesis by christmas and can stop worrying.

 

[Tess3ract]

I will try ;_; Dunno if I can, but I guess I'll see. :/

You're beautiful, just FYI <3

It makes me sad that such a smart and gorgeous lady feels so down about yourself.

Keep keeping on, you're all worth it.

 

[neojubei]

I've stopped taking my meds, whether i take one or 5 i still feel the same. I do not see how they are supposed to help me.

 

[heidern]

Someone please convince me that life is worth living. I have no friends outside of you guys; nobody bothers to ask if I'm okay and they tend to blame me for "not knowing what I want"; I'm going down a self-destructive path with my thoughts and actions and I can't stop; I have nothing/no one left to cling to. I didn't sleep at all last night and I don't feel tired at all. I'm scared. I'm hopeless. I want to die.

You've got the most important thing of all; freedom. Even if your life is bad at the moment, you've got the freedom to try to build a better life. You've got your physical health, a reasonable level of intelligence and some friends(cyber friends are still human beings). You seem a bit lost(but lots of people are lost, especially anyone under the age of 30). A good exercise to help that is the 5 wish exercise. If you had 5 wishes for your life, what would they be? Your answers will reveal a lot to you, and if you tell your answers to other people you'll get productive insight and feedback.

 

[neojubei]

Nvm

 

[Charles Foster Kane]

Nevermind. Sorry.

 

[Splinter]

I have been depressed for about 4 years, not the suicidal-sad type, but more of the no energy, no will to do anything, no sunny days type, everything is just bland and boring.

A few weeks ago someone gave me 2 Vicodin 10mg Hydrocodon/500mg APAP and I took just one and is basically temporarily cured all my depression and anxiety. I know it's an opiate and they aren't to be messed around with, but it seemed to impact me a lot differently than others. My energy skyrocketed, not a stimulant type of energy but more of a good mood lets do this type. I was very sociable and my mood was lifted to where stuff that would normally annoy me was actually pleasant. I wasn't "fucked up" or inebriated, it had a very slight affect, but it made me feel a whole lot better. Hard to explain but I felt more sober and more aware than usual.

Is this normal? It's like my personality did a 180, I went from a depressed no energy introvert to a happy peppy extrovert.

I've smoked weed and my depression was worse when high, and my anxiety was ten fold (I have never even laughed or found anything funny when high), MDMA does not affect me at all, I feel nothing from it on 3 different occasions when my friends took some from the same batch and they all rolled.

I don't want to take Vicodin or any other drugs but I found it strange that it worked so well. Even though I mentioned a few drugs in this post I rarely take any, I rarely even drink. Do you think I might have some underlying problem or illness that the Vicodin temporarily fixed?

 

[neojubei]

Sometimes I feel like I really am going to go insane one day. Feeling so damn alone in this world, even moreso being gay as gay people do not even accept me. Its like I am a minority in a minority in a minority. Every gay experience ive had has been negative so why even make me gay in the first place? I look at my male cousins and they have so many kids with different women and yet they still go on and life is still good for them. Its like God is pressing his finger on me at all times seeing how far i will bend before i break. Gay groups, gay clubs gay outings have always been disastrous to me. Gay friends i meet are so shallow and unreliable. I would have been better off as some drug dealer making babies and robbing people or some psycho killer or something. I've always wanted to be a father and i can't be that. I have no identity and any group i try to identify myself with hates me. Maybe it is best i do die in my sleep tonight, I doubt any therapist, drug or medical procedure can even help me at this point. Maybe cut my wrists in the bathtub. I don't think i deserve love even from myself or acceptance. I hope no one exists to feel like i feel its a burden i do not wish on anyone. maybe its my worth in life to be worthless and unwanted.

 

[Charles Foster Kane]

Sometimes I feel like I really am going to go insane one day. Feeling so damn alone in this world, even moreso being gay as gay people do not even accept me. Its like I am a minority in a minority in a minority. Every gay experience ive had has been negative so why even make me gay in the first place? I look at my male cousins and they have so many kids with different women and yet they still go on and life is still good for them.Its like God is pressing his finger on me at all times seeing how far i will bend before i break. Gay groups, gay clubs gay outings have always been disastrous to me. Gay friends i meet are so shallow and unreliable. I would have been better off as some drug dealer making babies and robbing people or some psycho killer or something. I've always wanted to be a father and i can't be that. I have no identity and any group i try to identify myself with hates me.

You and me, We're very similar. All I now is I don't feel I fit in anywhere, and I've pretty much given up. I think coming to terms with the fact that I'm probably going to be alone for the rest of my life has made me feel better. It can be really frustrating feeling one does not fit in with either gay or straight people.

 

[Sadsic]

I have been depressed for about 4 years, not the suicidal-sad type, but more of the no energy, no will to do anything, no sunny days type, everything is just bland and boring.

A few weeks ago someone gave me 2 Vicodin 10mg Hydrocodon/500mg APAP and I took just one and is basically temporarily cured all my depression and anxiety. I know it's an opiate and they aren't to be messed around with, but it seemed to impact me a lot differently than others. My energy skyrocketed, not a stimulant type of energy but more of a good mood lets do this type. I was very sociable and my mood was lifted to where stuff that would normally annoy me was actually pleasant. I wasn't "fucked up" or inebriated, it had a very slight affect, but it made me feel a whole lot better. Hard to explain but I felt more sober and more aware than usual.

Is this normal? It's like my personality did a 180, I went from a depressed no energy introvert to a happy peppy extrovert.

I've smoked weed and my depression was worse when high, and my anxiety was ten fold (I have never even laughed or found anything funny when high), MDMA does not affect me at all, I feel nothing from it on 3 different occasions when my friends took some from the same batch and they all rolled.

I don't want to take Vicodin or any other drugs but I found it strange that it worked so well. Even though I mentioned a few drugs in this post I rarely take any, I rarely even drink. Do you think I might have some underlying problem or illness that the Vicodin temporarily fixed?

i know for me when i take benzo's im relaxed enough to be social without being nervous, i really wish those werent addictive

 

[Kyzer]

the adverse effects of regular use of either opiates or benzos are not worth using them to treat your depression. of course youre gonna feel better. youre on euphoric drugs...

 

[neojubei]

You and me, We're very similar. All I now is I don't feel I fit in anywhere, and I've pretty much given up. I think coming to terms with the fact that I'm probably going to be alone for the rest of my life has made me feel better. It can be really frustrating feeling one does not fit in with either gay or straight people.

Why even exist to be alone and unhappy. Why do others get everything they want and more and people like me have to suffer in this life. I think I will do something dangerous soon like stab myself in my therapist office. What's the point anymore. Life itself hates me

 

[Charles Foster Kane]

Why even exist to be alone and unhappy. Why do others get everything they want and more and people like me have to suffer in this life. I think I will do something dangerous soon like stab myself in my therapist office. What's the point anymore. Life itself hates me

That's just life. It happens, we're not the first, nor will we be the last. Life is pointless, its only point is just to live it. I know what you mean, and my words probably won't be of any help, but that just how it goes.

I'm sort of fine being on my own. I have always frustrated myself and been so unhappy just thinking about how alone I am/feel. Lately though, I've just come not to care about it anymore. I'm just going to live and what comes comes. I've basically given up. There are tons of books and movies to watch to keep me occupied. I'm just waiting and I'm think I'm ready for death, but I'm not going to take my own life. I know that for sure. So in the mean time I will try to distract myself with some other things I like to do. I'm noone to preach though, I'm a lost cause who hasn't left his house for months already.

The problem is in us, not really in society. We're just so thirsty for love and in need of ratification. Find something that distracts you.

Also, you will get nothing out of doing something like that, only maybe to affect other people; so please don't. I always say, you can do anything in life as long as it doesn't affect third parties. You are not going to solve anything by doing that.

We're all going to die anyways. At some point we will. It's not like your/our suffering will be eternal, so find something that distracts you.

It's not that life hates us, it's that we hate ourselves.

 

[ClassyPenguin]

Long post, so yeah.

Suicide is easy, living is the hard part. Or should I say living with wanting to kill yourself. I have heard many people say the same things, " You'll get better, be happy, think on the bright side..." not to mention the someone mean spirited," and not to mention the at least comments " at least you are live, at least you have parents at least you don't have cancer, at least you don't live in Africa.

Everyone, I can say with a certain confidence has heard one or more than one of these. Stop it.It doesn't help. It does't mean anything. It's just a bunch of words. If you want to help, do so. Ask them openly without judgement I'm tired of everyone having this fake notion of depression as if it is a childish thing, to grow out of, something temporal, that it's a phase. This gets especially tiresome as an adult, and most certainly in males.

The first time, I tried, though I hate using the word try here. It's not like trying to go on a diet, it's more of either you did it or you didn't. Well the first time was a few years a go. I was still denying I had a problem, like it was only temporary thing because having very little friends and no social life is tough. So on one these crappy nights, I was a bit drunk and decided to down a bottle of ambien (the closest thing I had on hand). A few seconds later out some some intense feeling of absurdity, I manage to throw them up, but kept drinking. All I can remember afterwards is waking late the next day with the biggest hangover ever. I said nothing to anyone.

It wasn't until a month or two did I manage to actually get checked by the university's psychiatrist. I was given a dose of wellbutrin (50mg or so to start, ended up at 200mg) and given about eight weeks of face-to face therapy.

The therapy ended up working well enough for the moment. It made me realize the scope and severity of Depression. It worked well for the I guess, psychological parts. How I think, the processes that go down when I am depressed how I make myself think myself into depression and other forms of coping. Plus, the dude locked like Norman Jayden from Heavy Rain. Since the webutrin wasn't working, it still left me as depressed. I, however was being a bit more social, more engaging when I was on certain moods. I guess that shows, since many people (co-workers, other students) even when I was clearly hit on by girls, I couldn't even respond much because I just didn't give a shit, I was in my own hell.

I still became worse. I was failing classes, not doing work. I didn't give a shit about grades, an A felt the sane as D and so on. Thankfully, it was my last quarter and I barely passed all the classes that I needed to.

I had to actively seek those among my friends to talk to about my emotions. It makes you feel shameful, more like a weakling than an adult and even then people don't know how hard of an illness depression can be.

I went from wellbutrin, to paxil to lexapro ro prozac and back to paxil. I'm hoping with more of a diet change I don't get the massive weight gain. Thanks to the ACA, I can qualify for free meds, that's a plus from last year.

 

[Natetan]

I don't feel like I fit in anywhere. But I guess I've never had a problem with it. When I was younger college aged I reveled in it in a hipster kind of way.

It can grind on you as you get older though. Making friends with people either means having things in common with people or tolerating their differences, clearly something my hipster mentality wasn't good at.

Anyway, Its always a battle on where to draw the line on giving up my individuality to interact with society. My dad in his own way was always a maverick who did things hid own way and I guess I learned to be that way too. I enjoy my individuality but the flip side is the isolation from being hard to relate to me or for me to accept other people. Usually means I try and interact with people out of my league so to say and get rejected alot. I've learned to stop doing that a bit ad it is quite unfulfilling.

 

[Charles Foster Kane]

Long post, so yeah.

Suicide is easy, living is the hard part. Or should I say living with wanting to kill yourself. I have heard many people say the same things, " You'll get better, be happy, think on the bright side..." not to mention the someone mean spirited," and not to mention the at least comments " at least you are live, at least you have parents at least you don't have cancer, at least you don't live in Africa.

Everyone, I can say with a certain confidence has heard one or more than one of these. Stop it.It doesn't help. It does't mean anything. It's just a bunch of words. If you want to help, do so. Ask them openly without judgement I'm tired of everyone having this fake notion of depression as if it is a childish thing, to grow out of, something temporal, that it's a phase. This gets especially tiresome as an adult, and most certainly in males.

The first time, I tried, though I hate using the word try here. It's not like trying to go on a diet, it's more of either you did it or you didn't. Well the first time was a few years a go. I was still denying I had a problem, like it was only temporary thing because having very little friends and no social life is tough. So on one these crappy nights, I was a bit drunk and decided to down a bottle of ambien (the closest thing I had on hand). A few seconds later out some some intense feeling of absurdity, I manage to throw them up, but kept drinking. All I can remember afterwards is waking late the next day with the biggest hangover ever. I said nothing to anyone.

It wasn't until a month or two did I manage to actually get checked by the university's psychiatrist. I was given a dose of wellbutrin (50mg or so to start, ended up at 200mg) and given about eight weeks of face-to face therapy.

The therapy ended up working well enough for the moment. It made me realize the scope and severity of Depression. It worked well for the I guess, psychological parts. How I think, the processes that go down when I am depressed how I make myself think myself into depression and other forms of coping. Plus, the dude locked like Norman Jayden from Heavy Rain. Since the webutrin wasn't working, it still left me as depressed. I, however was being a bit more social, more engaging when I was on certain moods. I guess that shows, since many people (co-workers, other students) even when I was clearly hit on by girls, I couldn't even respond much because I just didn't give a shit, I was in my own hell.

I still became worse. I was failing classes, not doing work. I didn't give a shit about grades, an A felt the sane as D and so on. Thankfully, it was my last quarter and I barely passed all the classes that I needed to.

I had to actively seek those among my friends to talk to about my emotions. It makes you feel shameful, more like a weakling than an adult and even then people don't know how hard of an illness depression can be.

I went from wellbutrin, to paxil to lexapro ro prozac and back to paxil. I'm hoping with more of a diet change I don't get the massive weight gain. Thanks to the ACA, I can qualify for free meds, that's a plus from last year.

That's one of the worst things for me. It seems so superficial, and barely scraps the problem. I know it doesn't help, but It has driven me away from people. I'm just in my own shell and sometimes find it so pointless even talking about it :/

 

[Nlroh]

I could write a lengthy post about how I feel right now, but let's say it's basically like Charles Foster Kane or neojubei. I don't feel better accepting the fact that I don't fit in, so probably a little bit more like neojubei. The only thing I can say about this is that I don't know what to do, I don't really feel like doing something. I've been in my bed all day and haven't eaten a thing in 30 hours or something like that.

 

[RatskyWatsky]

+1 lonely misfit.

 

[goodfella]

I don't know if my social life has caused depression, or if depression is ruining my social skills.

Either way I guess I should look into getting some proper help.

I feel like if I could just take some pills or something for a short period of time, that would get me back on my feet, I would be back to normal. I have no idea if that is how it works though. Anyone had experience with that?

I'll tell you what, MDMA works. The normal me is in there, just need some drugs to get me out.

 

[Ether_Snake]

Personally I always get depressed when by myself. The only thing I like to do, illustrations, which I have a lot of trouble finishing or even enjoying doing until I'm nearly done, is something that feels more like a bad habit. Sitting there at the computer for countless hours, every evening of the week and weekends, and then not being happy with the way it's going and stopping.

Sometimes I watch a movie, but again it's another activity I do on my own only.

Funny how when I go on vacation, I do more in a week than I do in a year at home, hang out with strangers, etc. That's why after two weeks it feels like I've been on vacation for two months. At home I do nothing and go out with no one.

I think I have to stop bothering with art, it's chasing an illusion, I'm not good enough at it for it to be something I can be proud of since it just keeps me sitting on my ass all the time, and when I'm not doing art I'm just depressed with it and do nothing, feeling exhausted and not motivated.

So I promise tomorrow I'll call to schedule to renew my apprentice driver's license and then do whatever I need to get my permanent license. I'm thinking if I buy a car, I can buy a snowboard and learn to snowboard, so in the winter I'll be able to drive to some place and snowboard, without having to rely on anyone, just like when I'm on vacation. I'll buy some fishing gear so in the summer I can go fishing, and maybe do some interior and exterior mountain climbing. That kind of stuff. I have no choice but to stop obsessing over art, I'm sure I would be better at it if I was actually doing other things with my life and only working on it once in a while.

I have to do something in order to be able to sometimes hang out with others, otherwise I'll end up doing nothing. I know people who asked me to join them doing interior mountain climbing, joining a soccer team, etc. I never did it. Always "oh maybe" and I never bother, and then people don't ask anything anymore. There's that strange discomfort with doing anything I'm not good at, as if I had to be good day one otherwise I wouldn't bother. Bought a guitar, never bothered to learn to play it.

So I think I have to act like I'm on vacation and seek out things to do, and not be dependent on others to do them either.

So anyone here who feels depressed, I can say first hand, I am the same, but I found out when I went on vacation that I do whatever I want; I would go eat alone, hike alone, or meet people I didn't know and do the same with them (I randomly ended up "dating" a girl I met for a week while we were both on vacation). The only thing that I felt was missing when on vacation was my driver's license, which would have given me more independence to go where I want when I want.

So basically, I know I can be happier, anyone can be, but happiness is not a reward for effort. It's more like something that grows in random places and that you need a sixth sense to feel. You can't figure out in advance where it is, so don't bother looking for it specifically, otherwise you might never find it. You have to go out, in different places, and not think about why or where you are going. Then eventually after some time, you'll think back and realize you found it along the way, and soon enough you'll be able to feel it here and there, even if you can never quite tell what color or shape it is.

So don't search for happiness, just get out of your territory and do new things, as mundane as they may sometimes be, sometimes they won't be, and over time you'll start to feel different.

My last vacations were at the beginning of the year, and I only realized this now. So as I said, don't search for happiness itself or you won't realize you already found it. Just make it your goal to go out and do stuff, what do you have to lose? Nothing!

 

[diamondstar]

I won't quote them all but the four posts in a row from neojubei, Charles Foster Kane, doitlive, and Natetan, combined, describe me pretty spot on.

I have probably been on a roller coaster of depression the last few years. It started to get more noticeable and worse when I started hating my job. And I dont mean a dislike.. I mean I really really hated my job. I hated going to sleep the night before just because I knew I had to go to work again the next day. Well I went to another company and still hate the work and am currently trying to get out of my industry.

Now for a little relevance. This may sound funny but two things happened this year that really made me look at life as being pointless. The not funny part was my sister passed away .. She just happened to pass away the morning after I got Mass Effect 3. A game I was anticipating for a real long time. The thing is I lost all my previous saves and had to marathon ME and ME2 prior to playing ME3. Then the ending came and I was devastated. Made me look at video games as such a waste of time. But at the same time it made me look at life the same way.

Think about it.. When you beat ME3 you can no longer enjoy going through the trilogy again because you know the outcome and you know how bad it is. As I get older I think I have realized how close death could be to me. So I start thinking what the fuck is the point? WE ALL DIE.. There is no escaping it .. NONE OF US CAN. We all die. So I started to not hold onto life as strong as I used to. Just because I know the outcome.

So maybe people that live nice happy lives are trying to suck it all up and hold onto as hard as they can for as long as they can. But when you are like me and you feel like shit almost EVERYDAY, your grip seems to weaken.

Like someone else said... it sucks when you seem to be getting the shit end of the stick everytime while others seem to always get lucky.

 

[coldvein]

So basically, I know I can be happier, anyone can be, but happiness is not a reward for effort. It's more like something that grows in random places and that you need a sixth sense to feel. You can't figure out in advance where it is, so don't bother looking for it specifically, otherwise you might never find it. You have to go out, in different places, and not think about why or where you are going. Then eventually after some time, you'll think back and realize you found it along the way, and soon enough you'll be able to feel it here and there, even if you can never quite tell what color or shape it is.

i don't know if that's true or not but it sure is a pretty paragraph. good work Ether.

 

[diamondstar]

So basically, I know I can be happier, anyone can be, but happiness is not a reward for effort. It's more like something that grows in random places and that you need a sixth sense to feel. You can't figure out in advance where it is, so don't bother looking for it specifically, otherwise you might never find it. You have to go out, in different places, and not think about why or where you are going. Then eventually after some time, you'll think back and realize you found it along the way, and soon enough you'll be able to feel it here and there, even if you can never quite tell what color or shape it is.

I will quote this though because it is some of the best advice I have ever heard.

Thanks man.

 

[HolyCheck]

.

 

[fredrancour]

Good trip to the gym. I've bought myself a few hours of feeling sane, as evidenced by the fact that I've been able to feel coherent enough to type out a full post. Gotta shower, get some food down and start doing homework before I break again. Exercise is the most helpful thing for me.

 

[Leeness]

Giant winnar post

<3 You're a lovely person.

Cheers, Tess3ract.

+1 lonely misfit.

+1!

 

[Ether_Snake]

i don't know if that's true or not but it sure is a pretty paragraph. good work Ether.

I will quote this though because it is some of the best advice I have ever heard.

Thanks man.

Interesting thread.

i dont know why i'm posting here but I am. i think because I just need to get things out of my system.

I get really sad. I don't know why. I have a great job, i live in a good apartment. i just get sad. some nights ill be sitting there watching tv and just get sad and be really emotional for a few hours and then i'll spend a week or two being lathargic. like i just cbs doing anything. I dont want to wake up. and i find half the time the only time im happy is when i start to have a few glasses of bourbon. yes i have shitty thoughts about suicide. but i'm too lazy to go through with it + i couldnt do that to my mum. its just shit. because ill spend 2 - 3 weeks where i'm really moody and I delete everything (facebook, twitter, even get mods to ban me from gaf) as i struggle with human contact of any kind. i know i should see a doctor. but i dont know what to say "hi i was sad last week but im fine now"

I know that bored/lethargic feeling. But like me you got your place and a good job, that's really a good foundation. Now it's more a question of making the effort to do things you wouldn't normally do. I sometimes want to watch a movie, but end up not being able to decide which, so I watch none, and then at the end of the day I feel worst because I didn't even bother to watch a movie. But every time I actually do say "fuck it! I'll watch something!", I don't regret it afterwards. The same goes for almost anything. Be it cooking something simple, like making bruschetta, or going to the gym. Anything that gets us out of the routine of depression itself adds up and can change you over time. You become someone with a baggage of experiences rather than a baggage of regrets and doubt, even if those experiences can be as silly as cleaning the bathtub or baking brownies. In the end it ads up, and somewhere in there eventually is a good time with someone, or other such memorable moments. The worst thing we can do is not go forward and do something, anything.

Good trip to the gym. I've bought myself a few hours of feeling sane, as evidenced by the fact that I've been able to feel coherent enough to type out a full post. Gotta shower, get some food down and start doing homework before I break again. Exercise is the most helpful thing for me.

Like that, just working out, taking that amazing shower, and eating.

I need to start going back to the gym myself...

 

[HolyCheck]

.

 

[RionaaM]

Sometimes I feel like I really am going to go insane one day. Feeling so damn alone in this world, even moreso being gay as gay people do not even accept me. Its like I am a minority in a minority in a minority. Every gay experience ive had has been negative so why even make me gay in the first place? I look at my male cousins and they have so many kids with different women and yet they still go on and life is still good for them. Its like God is pressing his finger on me at all times seeing how far i will bend before i break. Gay groups, gay clubs gay outings have always been disastrous to me. Gay friends i meet are so shallow and unreliable. I would have been better off as some drug dealer making babies and robbing people or some psycho killer or something. I've always wanted to be a father and i can't be that. I have no identity and any group i try to identify myself with hates me. Maybe it is best i do die in my sleep tonight, I doubt any therapist, drug or medical procedure can even help me at this point. Maybe cut my wrists in the bathtub. I don't think i deserve love even from myself or acceptance. I hope no one exists to feel like i feel its a burden i do not wish on anyone. maybe its my worth in life to be worthless and unwanted.

Nope, GAF doesn't hate you. And I'm not making fun of you, I really mean it. This is a place where you can talk about your deepest feelings, fears and emotions. You can ask for advice, or help someone out. This is a place where you communicate with people, many of whom may be in your same situation or can relate to it. Don't cut your wrists, you won't gain anything from it except pain and injuries. Instead try to do something else, like writing or playing music, or reading new books, or listening to some rare bands, or playing a video game you like, or traveling to some remote country. There's a lot of things to do in life, and putting an end to it will only make you miss all of it.

You're not a burden, you're not worthless, it's never too late to start doing the things you want. I know it's not easy to be positive (fuck, I'm the most negative and depressive person I know), but it's no use telling yourself you're a failure, or that you'll never achieve anything. Because you don't know that, and if there's even a chance you can do it, then it's worth trying.

 

[AcridMeat]

It isn't until I have the house to myself that I realize how much of a lonely soul I am.

Usually wouldn't come to this but feel like venting.

This song helps.

 

[Bel Marduk]

It isn't until I have the house to myself that I realize how much of a lonely soul I am.

Usually wouldn't come to this but feel like venting.

You'll always have tiny chat!

 

[AcridMeat]

Yeah it's that sort of stuff I find more depressing. Don't mean that as a slight in the least.

 

[Bloom]

My one group hasn't had a reunion in nearly two months because everyone is too busy with work and family, that is disappointing. Another outlet to forget.

There was an employees outing recently, and I was the only one without a family. There is a demonstration for the company in another town for next month, and everyone else is using it as a pretext for a vacation with their spouse. I have to tell over and over to the organizer here that no, I will not bring anyone with me. I feel really out of place here.

The worst is that here, all Catholic churches and clubs are in reality cultural enclaves, which mean I can never fit in there.

I did find a single church/community center for French-speaking people, but I don't seem to fit in either. It has quite a few Franco-Ontarians, but they're largely all much older than me and I have nothing in common with them.

The church is all centered around the school community in which it resides, so as I don't have a kid who goes there I don't really have much of a purpose.

It's too bad that it seems like when you hit your late twenties, society acts as if everything should have been put in place. I too wish for human contact, but when you're older and have a day job, it's really much harder. Also the fact that this place is very highly multicultural makes things harder. Not that I don't like those people, but it seems to magnify the cliquish aspect of social dynamics here to the nth degree.

 

[Finaika]

It's my birthday today, but I feel so depressed.

 

[Nlroh]

It's my birthday today, but I feel so depressed.

My birthday was some weeks ago, I got sick and depressed. Stayed in bed all day long. I've never really cared about my own birthdays, but it was still kind of weird doing nothing and feeling like shit while knowing almost everyone is happy, having parties, dinner or something.

 

[Anteater]

My bday is in a few days too, I never really cared about it all that much.

Christmas is the worst though.

 

[RatskyWatsky]

My birthday is in a few days too! What a coincidence!

 

[Surface of Me]

My failures are becoming poetic.

It's my birthday today, but I feel so depressed.

Go out and buy whatever food you want, I did this on my last birthday and it actually felt really good. Happy birthday, man!

 

[Charles Foster Kane]

It's my birthday today, but I feel so depressed.

May you have many more to come! Mine is in about a month.

My birthday was some weeks ago, I got sick and depressed. Stayed in bed all day long. I've never really cared about my own birthdays, but it was still kind of weird doing nothing and feeling like shit while knowing almost everyone is happy, having parties, dinner or something.

It's an effect birthdays have on some of us unfortunately.

 

[MYE]

Good trip to the gym. I've bought myself a few hours of feeling sane, as evidenced by the fact that I've been able to feel coherent enough to type out a full post. Gotta shower, get some food down and start doing homework before I break again. Exercise is the most helpful thing for me.

Went to the gym too. My arms are sore and my legs are still shaking but it seems like a good place to aim my recent frustrations.

Not gonna let myself go down. Going at it again tomorrow and the day after.

It's my birthday today, but I feel so depressed.

Happy Birthday! You should take Surface of Me's advice

 

[Gucci Messiah]

My bday is in a few days too, I never really cared about it all that much.

Christmas is the worst though.

I think that's an age thing, after I turned 17 Christmas and birthdays just started to seem like any other day of the year.

 

[Xun]

I know exactly how you feel with the whole "not enjoying adolescence" thing and "never had a gf" bit. I have a few recommendations, not sure if any of them will help you but stay strong and give 'em a shot

- Try to make friends at your work. Coworkers present a good opportunity to meet other people and get invited to parties and events. Networking isn't just for professional development, ya know. But then, I know that the nature of your job might not present these opportunities. I'm a part time supply runner myself and for the most part I'm moving supplies or driving a car all by myself. I've been applying for a waiter position recently actually because of the more social nature of the job and the pay at certain restaurants is excellent.

- Maybe save up some money to go back to college? Just part-time, even. If you can't afford standard uni, even a community college has plenty of people for you to meet. I myself am in a small technical school right now with 80% males and I've still managed to make friends with a couple girls there. And just like with networking at the job, meeting people (male or female) will open the door to meeting even more new people. And with enough time, you may be able to move yourself to a better disposition in life, whether that be a different career altogether or a better job in the same industry.

- Don't skimp out on yourself. Stay in shape and keep your mind sharp. Cheesy advice I know but it'll help attract people towards you! And it'll make you feel better.

- Certain substances can help in moderation with getting started. If you have time and feel like you should do some art/animation, then you'd better get off neogaf, take a 5 hour energy or Monster, and get it done!

- You cannot go back in time, but unless you're like 60 your life has plenty of potential adventures to be had

I'd love to go back to college, but in all honesty the only reason I'd want to go back would be to do what I missed. Part-time could work though, but I feel I'd have to pick a subject that compliments art/animation.

Anyway thanks for all the advice! It's certainly nice to hear it all. Hopefully the future will be bright, and that I'll be able to live it how I want to live it!

Also I'm not sure what it is, but my OCD has been in overdrive worrying about my health at the moment. It changes all the time but I currently have an irrational fear that I have diabetes, and the more I worry about it the worse my "symptoms" become. I don't have the main symptoms (needing to drink a lot/urinate a lot), but because I have poor circulation (like my dad) I have some of the same symptoms you'd get. The moment my mind randomly jumped to the conclusion that I had it was the moment it all hit me, and whenever I have a clearer mindset (like today) the "symptoms" diminish.

Another problem I have is an incredibly low libido, but I assume that's probably just related to all of my fears at the moment? I've been mentally very stressed for the past couple of months, and the last thing my mind is thinking about is women. Perhaps my body has also given up hope of ever being able to get anywhere with a girl? I don't know.

Meh.

Edit: Also don't quote this post if possible, since I'll probably get rid of it at some point out of embarrassment.

 

[orientalNoodle]

It's my birthday today, but I feel so depressed.

and for me, I don't remember the last time I or anyone celebrate my birthday haha. ;_;