Thanks as always for your thoughts and experience with nutrition, Bloom! It's an area I wish I knew more about.
Depression
- Thread starter Jea Song
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Thanks as always for your thoughts and experience with nutrition, Bloom! It's an area I wish I knew more about.
Sigh I knew this was the answer before I even asked it, I'm just tired of dealing with all my personal bs when I could get rid of all my problems just like *that*. I'm not going to make any rash decisions in the near future, but as soon as my mother is gone, well let's just hope I've made some progress with my therapy by that point...
One of my girlfriend's friends killed himself about... 2 years back and she's still not fully over it. He wasn't even a close friend, which is why she keeps blaming yourself for "not being there for him/talking to him/listening to him/asking him if he has problems often enough".
I'm not saying "don't kill yourself because you'll hurt others", but in the same way that Bagels said it, not only is it something that other people might never fully get over, it will also definitely affect people that you don't think it will even affect, or people who you think "they'll be fine/won't care", not just your mother.
It doesn't feel like it, but depression won't last forever. You can beat it.
I'll probably talk about it in an interview-thing, but I've been where you are and I'm so happy that I'm still here today.
Yea that's true, I know suicide would affect more people than I would think, the problem is that my depression stems from feeling like literally no one besides my mother cares about me so what would I have to lose if I killed myself after she had passed? I grew up as an only child to a single mom, and she's always been the only one around for me, it's almost comedic/surreal how few people care about me. I've never had a girlfriend outside of a horribly dysfunctional, shell of a relationship I had with a fuckbuddy in high school, and I'm almost done with college now. I feel like I don't have the ability to attract a partner, much less any friends. Don't worry, y'all don't have to coach me into "not doing it", like I said I'm not doing anything rash in the near future, I just have to become more approachable and make some friends in the next few years, otherwise I get the feeling I won't be making it to my golden years.
Collete
Member
You're welcome!
I never grew up with smoothies I suppose D:
Hm I think they do usually when in desperate times they can steer us to healthy foods.
I don't know, I ate the pizza and it didn't make me feel better....
In any case guys, I took some stomach reducer medicine, we'll see how that works out in the morning...
Thanks for all the suggestions you guys gave. Really appreciate it.
But it won't taste as good in the microwave!
I don't even know if I can sleep tonight...
*sigh*
I just want the misery to end.
I'm the heir to the Bagel-Bites empire. At this rate, I'm going to have to sell one of my yachts!
Collete
Member
Pizza rolls, not Bagel Bites!
The pizza rolls may make you temporarily happy, but over time they can negatively affect your mood as trans fats build up in the membranes of your cells (including those in your brain) which in turn interferes with insulin receptors causing all sorts of problems including an increased risk of diabetes and brain shrinkage. Too much linoleic acid (n-6) without DHA or EPA (n-3) -- the kind of fatty acids found in fish oil - can also increase systemic inflammation, including in the brain, and worsen mood as neurons struggle to communicate efficiently.
Also, vegetarians/vegans seem to be more at risk of developing depression. If you're a vegetarian/vegan, it might be a good idea to supplement with fish oil, creatine and vitamin b12. I know, you won't be able to call yourself a "vegan" anymore, but at least you won't be lacking in important nutrients for the brain.
ThisWreckage
Banned
I have developed a terrible drinking habit. It makes me feel like a million dollars. The best way for me to deal with my existence is to temporarily blot it out.
Maybe you guys can give me some insight.
My best friend of 20 years battles depression.
I've done my best to help him, but he can't stick with any kind of therapy.
The tipping point is always when the psychologists or counselors tell him that it's both depression AND minor personality disorders.
He lies, isn't reliable, and in the last 2 years has preferred the company of junkie strangers to his close friends and family. He was the best man at my wedding a year ago and I've only seen him once since then. The only time he contacts me is to lie about something or to talk about himself.
He claims he's "feeling better than ever", but it seems like he is the worse he has been.
I haven't brought anything up and I don't argue with the guy. I've just let him do his own thing. The only time I give advice is when he seeks it and even then it isn't hard-hitting stuff I tell him.
I'm just not sure how to get him help. He has almost died twice in the last year and I keep thinking that will be rock bottom, but apparently those times werent low enough to change him.
ADVICE?
My best friend of 20 years battles depression.
I've done my best to help him, but he can't stick with any kind of therapy.
The tipping point is always when the psychologists or counselors tell him that it's both depression AND minor personality disorders.
He lies, isn't reliable, and in the last 2 years has preferred the company of junkie strangers to his close friends and family. He was the best man at my wedding a year ago and I've only seen him once since then. The only time he contacts me is to lie about something or to talk about himself.
He claims he's "feeling better than ever", but it seems like he is the worse he has been.
I haven't brought anything up and I don't argue with the guy. I've just let him do his own thing. The only time I give advice is when he seeks it and even then it isn't hard-hitting stuff I tell him.
I'm just not sure how to get him help. He has almost died twice in the last year and I keep thinking that will be rock bottom, but apparently those times werent low enough to change him.
ADVICE?
Hrmm, well, it sounds like he enjoys hanging around junkie losers more than his friends because hanging around those people makes him feel better about his life. Or he feels that his friends/family are judging him, even if they arent. Simply being around 'successful' people makes him compare himself to them, and he feels worse.
So yea, only way I see you helping him is to not be judgemental, negative, or confrontational at all, but simply try to help him the best you can and show him as much love and kindness as you can
Thanks for the response.
The thing is, that has been my approach for years.
And he just keeps drifting further away.
Any judgement is perceived. I feel like I'm totally on the guy's side and want him to succeed. He's 26 and lives at home still. Hasn't completed any college. Really hasn't done anything substantial for more than a couple weeks.
Like you said, I think he may feel inferior so he seeks out lowlifes.
Just wish I could get my friend back.
And I'm saying more people care about you than you can possibly imagine. They're just possibly really bad at showing it, or maybe don't even know themselves that they care so much. Ring up everyone you've once had fun hanging out with, just casually call them up and be like "hey we haven't seen each other for a while, wanna grab a beer" or so? I know exactly what you mean though. I'm pretty sure if something happened to me, noone but my girlfriend would notice for weeks. At least that's what I feel like often, but deep down I hope that some other people would, too.
I know you already know this, but please get help sooner rather than later. This feels great now, but in the long run you're only compounding your problems.
ThisWreckage
Banned
I really don't care anymore to be frank with you.
Vanillalite
Ask me about the GAF Notebook
So after almost 3 months on my new meds I'll say this...
1) I seem to be in a better mood... I'm not perfect but better than before
2) Definitely need to eat when I take this stuff
3) Definitely has messed with my sleeping as I dream or at least remember dreaming a ton more when I wake up now
4) I felt a little jittery at 1st, but that seems to have subsided
5) I personally haven't had any of reduction of clearness of thinking, sound mind, or lebito
1) I seem to be in a better mood... I'm not perfect but better than before
2) Definitely need to eat when I take this stuff
3) Definitely has messed with my sleeping as I dream or at least remember dreaming a ton more when I wake up now
4) I felt a little jittery at 1st, but that seems to have subsided
5) I personally haven't had any of reduction of clearness of thinking, sound mind, or lebito
as someone thats not immune to the defeatist attitude I have to say that you will care when it gets really bad. Alcohol particularly is a fast track to that scenario.
User 100115
Banned
Had a really bad bout tonight. My husbands parents are in town and I have to constantly watch what I say around them. And whenever they are around he just drops me and goes and does stuff with them, to the point that I was alone with the kids in a house we just moved in to for 90% of the day while on crutches and gahhhhh. Also, he treats me worse when they are around, as their 'the little woman is seen and not heard' views bleed over or something. I almost think they dislike me because I am not white more than for the fact that I am not religious in the way they want me to be.
He even took them out to eat without us. Really makes you feel loved.
I am mostly over it now. I think. Must find more fic to read.
He even took them out to eat without us. Really makes you feel loved.
I am mostly over it now. I think. Must find more fic to read.
RatskyWatsky
Hunky Nostradamus
I see. That sounds pretty awful. I too would have left had I been in your position.
I hope the therapist/psychologist/person can help you out.
Surface of Me
I'm not an NPC. And neither are we.
so that is why you are in this topic
I wonder if this could work for me. Meds and beer. Though I am not much of a drinker
Doesn't sound like a very healthy relationship. Do you bring this to his attention?
I would consider marriage counselling as the next step.
noooooooooooooooooooo. Definitely not at the same time, at least. I can't tell you not to drink, but don't drink and do meds at the same time. ANY kind of meds.
Oh I'm fucking loving this trend! I'm leaving and joining "just get over it, it's all in your head"-GAF.
EleventhDoctor
Banned
There is a definite lack of respect in your marriage. I have dealt with it myself-to a lesser extent than this. Marriage counselling can always help, if the other partner is willing. If I can make a recommendation, the book The Five Languages of Love practically saved my marriage-it's an incredible read. You learn a lot about the different communication styles of people.
Dice
Pokémon Parentage Conspiracy Theorist
I did with sertaline, though that was for controlling anxiety, not depression, so I didn't see how alcohol would be counterintuitive to that goal.
venlafaxine hcl er isn't doing much for me except some terrible side effects. Beer is the same, i don't get the awesome high some people get when they are drunk, i just fall asleep and then have a hang over. What's the point anymore maybe i should not exist. im already in hell maybe if i died it would be a way out.
The problem with drugs and alcohol is that your body has this strange "alcohol = first priority" setting, so whatever you take with alcohol first stays in your blood system for WAY longer than it should be, because your body will try to get rid of the alcohol first. Presumably because it's the most common "toxic" substance the human body used to be exposed to, and having it around is bad. However, because a lot of drugs are now even worse than alcohol if they stick around in your body too long, they have to be tightly regulated for dosage. If you now drink liquor and take meds at the same time, it's as if you were OD'ing on ANY kind of drug, everytime you do this.
So yeah, it's bad, with any type of drug. You'll have a much higher risk of OD'ing. And OD'ing ANY kind of drug is usually bad.
unless you want to OD
That's why I'm telling you not to do it. I can't tell you not to take meds (because they're often good) or to drink (because I'm not your mom), but I CAN tell you not to do something stupid and mix the two. You don't know me and I don't know you, but I'm telling you right now, don't do something stupid. Because you won't be able to regret it afterwards.
Prax
Member
I wish when people self-medicated.. they would just do it with more productive activities instead of just ingesting mood-altering substances like alcohol or other drugs.. >_>
You know when they say that you need to remove yourself from toxic environments? I sometimes wonder if going into a thread with everyone reiterating what looks like self-destructive strategies counts exactly as such an environment.
My hope is that most people are only musing or using the thread to vent instead of reinforcing those habits in themselves and others.
Take care of yourselves, people.
Treat yourselves as your own precious, confused, and hurt child if you must.
That's usually the mindset I turn to if I really feel I'm being self-destructive. I would want to protect myself from harm, guide myself to a better way, give myself hope, nourish and comfort myself. That kind of thing.
You know when they say that you need to remove yourself from toxic environments? I sometimes wonder if going into a thread with everyone reiterating what looks like self-destructive strategies counts exactly as such an environment.
My hope is that most people are only musing or using the thread to vent instead of reinforcing those habits in themselves and others.
Take care of yourselves, people.
Treat yourselves as your own precious, confused, and hurt child if you must.
That's usually the mindset I turn to if I really feel I'm being self-destructive. I would want to protect myself from harm, guide myself to a better way, give myself hope, nourish and comfort myself. That kind of thing.
Yes, because people who survive their drug overdoses always talk about what a pleasant experience it was. :/
Seriously, if this is just going to turn into a thread about how best to fuck over your life, or where we discuss the fucking stupidest ways possible to deal with depression, I'm all for having it locked. This isn't helping anyone.
well you called it a terrible habit, which implies you know it's bad.
and you're posting in this thread, which means one way or another you want help.
what i assume you're grappling with now is the acceptance that change is hard, especially when you don't have a map for it and when your current "solution" is so much easier.
but i'm not going to lecture you. i expect that's the last thing anyone in this thread needs. just know that eventually you will want it to change, but no one can push you into it.
scar tissue
Banned
As someone who has done meds and alcohol on the same day (although not simultaneously), I do not recommend it.
Although I have a few buddies who do lots of medication (prescribed tho, not self-medicated) and still drink one or two beers without a problem.
Although I have a few buddies who do lots of medication (prescribed tho, not self-medicated) and still drink one or two beers without a problem.
Barbacoatl
Banned
I wouldn't recommend mixing alcohol with pills unless you want your body paralyzed.
Dice
Pokémon Parentage Conspiracy Theorist
Well maybe it's kind of bogus to rob Bagels of an interview, but I feel that I'm pretty good at writing things in a fairly organized fashion without a guide so maybe it's better this way. I suppose I'll have to start by making a quick recap of things in my life that would never be assumed.
-I grew up hella poor. We had very little, we moved 5-6 times when I was a kid and all around the shitty part of town. Most of my memory is a trailer park that was total hell and then a few locations in the ghetto, which after growing up I realized were a lot closer together than I thought. Summers were hot and winters were freezing, went hungry a lot and ate like shit when we didn't.
-My dad had major anger issues. He never hit us, but he was always flipping his shit and yelling at everything. We learned early on just to give him space. I can only imagine what kind of psychological issues this caused in me. My mom was always rather distant and rational. She has become a much warmer person since we all grew up and my parents got divorced and whatnot, but growing up I think it was her way of dealing with my dad's shit.
-Probably as a result of the atmosphere this created, I cant remember my family ever being affectionate. I mean my parents will say they are proud of me in a birthday card or something, but it never came out otherwise, and no physical affection. I remember being 4 or 5 and running to greet my dad when he came home from work, and then being 8 or 9 and my mom rubbing my back when I had the flu. That's it for affection memories. This has probably fucked me up in profound ways. On the upside, we have always been able to communicate and share openly in the cognitive sense and haven't had bad blood with each other.
-I was home schooled. Both my parents worked, so my siblings and I stayed home and worked on our own school work. I think this is illegal now but when I was a kid it was allowed. Having spent a year in college, I'm apparently a goddamn genius because of this, with a couple professors pulling me aside and saying I was the best student they ever had. Despite this, I am fucked when it comes to math. I never practiced it growing up, so I am extremely slow at it. I also have an incredibly strong, deep hatred for it. Whether difficult or easy, I completely hate it and avoid it. More on this later.
-My family was super religious. They weren't hateful like some very religious people, but still tossed a rational lifestyle to the wind because of their faith. My dad made many poor choices that fucked us over. I also made poor choices that fucked me over. I was in ministry through all my teen years and fully encouraged in it. Nobody told me to get a job or go to college, and I didn't catch on until it was late. I spent a long time trying to get hired anywhere, got my first job at 21. I sense that my lacking work experience continues to fuck me over and college (I have connections so a bachelors would get me a job in Korea) is my last chance at independence.
-From an odd mix of my strong religious views, being poor as fuck, and the affection stuff, nothing ever worked out with a girl. Clearly now as an atheist I'm very glad about this, but nevertheless I feel a lack. I wasn't uninterested, having over a dozen crushes and 5 loves through life, but it never worked out. I'd say 3 times I had a real chance at something, but I didn't go for it because I knew with the limitations in my life I couldn't treat them right. So I've had some "ungirlfriends" and with each one we were inseparable/truly loved each other but nothing ever solidified. Looking back, I feel kind of shitty about wasting their time. Yet as much as I refrained from my flawed concept of integrity and religious views, I know I am strongly responsive/inclined to affection. Simply sitting together holding hands is utterly euphoric, feels like it untangles the knots in my soul. I know the neuroscience behind this so I need to take care in not letting it cause me to make foolish relationship decisions. Still, I have a lot of love to give and someday some woman is going to be very spoiled.
So there is my general past. Basically a story of profound lack from every angle. How about mental illness?
Depression
My first experience with depression was Junior High ages. By that time in life we were finally staying in the same house for a long time, so I had made a good amount of friends around the neighborhood. Then, all in the same summer, they all moved away. Obviously, just as you're coming into the age where you are really aware of the world around you and that you'll have some sort of place in it, this is the worst time to lose all your friends. My parents also had a falling out with the pastor of the church we attended while I was growing up, so I lost that, too. Pretty much I spent ages 11-13 years laying in my bed in a black hole. The internet was just starting around then, so I tried to find people/meaning online, and IRC was alright, but obviously that can't replace having someone in person.
A lot of that changed when I became Christian (hard to explain, they didn't really teach us kids anything in church growing up) and I found some sort of answers for a lot of things humanity deals with. I also met a lot more people, however over the years nothing ever really stayed. Nobody was in my life for longer than two years. Between all the coming and going, still not having a life like others in society, and lack of proper romance, I have always fought with depression, just never as extreme as those first 3 years. Ministry was helpful, counseling other people and finding answers for them helped me to find them for myself, and it made me extremely good at self evaluation and awareness.
General Anxiety Disorder and Panic Disorder
Now many years down the line I was feeling fairly happy and fulfilled working at my first job. It was busy but it didn't feel stressful, and all of life was going pretty well, then some panic attacks started. It was in May of I think 4 or 5 years ago. They started in short flashes, like sudden overwhelming realization and fear of death, but then it'd be gone in 5 seconds and I would be like "what was that?!" and they increased in frequency, intensity and length in the months to come. By November I was living in a constant state of anxiety that was not affected by my thoughts, no matter how positively or rationally I was thinking, and no matter what I was doing or who I was with. After a week I'd have a period of downtime (likely exhaustion because I don't think you can keep freaking out forever) but then I was completely unmotivated and indecisive about everything, like my will was turned off. Nothing appealed to me.
At times the anxiety would become unbearable, as though dissatisfaction, fear, hopelessness, loneliness and futility were little creatures under my skin trying to claw themselves out. Usually at this I would crumple up in a ball, trembling, and hopefully have the composure to call a friend. My mind would run to thoughts of death, and if I rationally faced those, it would run to thoughts of an unfulfilled life and so on. Even after it became clear that my mind was just trying to grab hold of abstract concepts to match the feelings, it didn't make the feelings better. Even in the "lighter" times of anxiety, it felt like I was wasting my life on lesser things, but that there were no better things to spend it on, and the hopeless feeling came from that contradiction of feelings.
After I reached a point where I was having 3 breakdowns in a week and I was being affected at work, I started seeking help in any form. I had been trying therapy but there was nothing they could find that I hadn't already known about myself already. After another week of looking form that point my friend connected me with a doctor and after an evaluation with him I started taking sertraline and after only two weeks I felt normal again. Such a quick response isn't always how it happens, but does happen in some cases. We tried sertraline because my dad went through similar things and responded well to that so my doctor figured the genetic similarity may mean it would work well for me too.
I was on that for a few years but this year went off of it with seemingly no changes, so that's nice. However, something about it or other events completely changed my personality. I used to be a bright, even bubbly sort of person, perhaps even slightly hyper. I was very socially engaging with many people and easily quite popular. Now, I'm rather reserved, and prefer spending time with no more than four others at a time. I have a very laid-back and practical attitude to everything now, taking things as they are at face value rather than seeing grand patterns. I used to have such complex thoughts that I'd write huge articles on a blog to get them out, but I stopped because I'm more of a sensory person than a thought person now. I still appreciate girls, but I stopped concerning myself over them. I emotionally connect with movies and things like that more easily, and more often feel a kindhearted love for others in my life.
I don't know how much of that is just becoming more mature, how much is from the bad time making me think about death and evaluating the meaningful things of life, or how much is from brain shifts and chemicals. This shift happened around the same time I started on the meds, but that was also a time I had my heart utterly crushed by the deepest love I ever had, and when my family lost the house and we all went our separate ways (I started living with my aunt and cousin) so those are a few big changes that may have caused it. I guess the change seems positive overall. I'm not as often happy, yet I seem more satisfied. Becoming atheist this year has helped me feel more free, which has increased happiness, but I'm still rather low-key.
Current state
As I touched on before, I seem to have a very shitty chance at being hired. I tried nothing but to get hired anywhere for 2 straight years without getting a single interview. I even tried crawling back to old jobs, but they were at full capacity. I was trying to get work to save money for college before going, but after long enough without work, the result is the same as taking that risk and failing, so I figured I'd try for college. However, there are two main issues with this. First of all, as stated, I have this extreme math issue. I have to take a special remedial class that has several aids to help me get the math requirements for a bachelors, but even this special program is overwhelming to me to try and get through.
The second issue that came up was that I'm not eligible for financial aid. I spent a year in college 6 years ago. My parents were getting divorced, we were housing one of my brothers friends who was the most inconsiderate person I have ever known, and I had transpiration and nutrition issues. These compounded into me dropping some of my classes, yet no one warned me that this would fuck my ratio of "attempted credits" vs "fulfilled credits" with the government, so now I have to make up for those by fulfilling credit hours before I can get aid again.
What does this mean? The one math class I am taking now is only because of my best friend, a nuclear engineer in the navy, who freely offered to pay for it. Regardless, this class is in sections and I may need 2 or even 3 more semesters of it to pass, and that is assuming I succeed this semester. This, or success in other classes would be required before I can get aid to help finish college (my bad ratio also fucks up loans, though I wouldn't want to risk those on my poor math performance) but I first have to find a way to pay for those... which requires a job... which I couldn't get and that's why I'm in college...
Stress? Yeah, you could say that. But there is more! I live with my aunt and cousin. My aunt runs a business in our home (my sister already works for her so don't think there is room for me there) and my cousin has 2 years left in high school. My aunt is tired of this sort of life and this place, and has some big pressures on her as well, so when my cousin (who also doesn't like the idea of staying here) graduates she wants to sell the house and move to another state. This means my current grace/safety net is getting ready to be removed. So there is extra stress.
Looking at if worse comes to worse, ultimately, I don't think my family would let me be homeless. Even if I were okay with it, I don't think they would be, especially my parents who realize several ways that they made bad decisions and didn't guide me like they should have or even help me when I realized things myself, and are partially responsible for my situation. However, I'm almost 30 years old and nobody wants to be dead weight at that age. I already feel like a burden on my aunt no matter how much I help around the house, and I wouldn't want to be a burden to either of my parents.
So clearly this looming possibility has me carrying a good amount of stress, and a sense of worthlessness can be present sometimes (especially as I fall behind in math), or other times (when looking for work) the opposite where I am angry that no one is realizing my quality and potential, then throughout all of it, I've pretty much lost my friends. They moved to other states, got married and had kids, don't like that I'm atheist now, whatever. I hardly ever see or talk to them. My best chance at making new friends is international students due to some connections I have, but they are mostly undergrads and in a whole different sort of life so it's awkward, and not to mention difficult to maintain since I don't have a car. Thus, I am most often alone, which doesn't help at all.
I'm in a very strange place. This math class is the most important thing right now, yet math is the thing I hate more than anything. From that and possibly the related stress, I procrastinate with it, even though it honestly doesn't take too many work hours to do. If I push it off too much, though, I may end up rushing to catch up on more at once than I can handle, so I hope I don't fuck that up. Yet at the same time, finishing this one class won't mean much for making progress on my overall situation. I'll still need more semesters I can't pay for. In all this, I feel like my mom is the only one who really understands the concept of depression and how it can disable your motivation against all rationality, and everyone else thinks I'm just a slacker. That sucks, but at least I have one person.
A slight hope for the future is the friend who paid for my class. He really believes in me, as evidenced by his offer, which was of his own initiative. He'll be finishing his final term next year and moving back here. He will be exiting with a really good amount of money and excellent qualifications and has talked about starting his own business/project of some sort. He has also, a few times, talked about a possibility of living together since we're both (for differing reasons) in the first stages of forming our own individual lives. So who knows, maybe I'll end up working on some crazy project with him. He also owns two homes in big cities, so it's pretty crazy where things could go if our lives get on the same track.
There you go. All the ways/reasons I'm fucked up.
-I grew up hella poor. We had very little, we moved 5-6 times when I was a kid and all around the shitty part of town. Most of my memory is a trailer park that was total hell and then a few locations in the ghetto, which after growing up I realized were a lot closer together than I thought. Summers were hot and winters were freezing, went hungry a lot and ate like shit when we didn't.
-My dad had major anger issues. He never hit us, but he was always flipping his shit and yelling at everything. We learned early on just to give him space. I can only imagine what kind of psychological issues this caused in me. My mom was always rather distant and rational. She has become a much warmer person since we all grew up and my parents got divorced and whatnot, but growing up I think it was her way of dealing with my dad's shit.
-Probably as a result of the atmosphere this created, I cant remember my family ever being affectionate. I mean my parents will say they are proud of me in a birthday card or something, but it never came out otherwise, and no physical affection. I remember being 4 or 5 and running to greet my dad when he came home from work, and then being 8 or 9 and my mom rubbing my back when I had the flu. That's it for affection memories. This has probably fucked me up in profound ways. On the upside, we have always been able to communicate and share openly in the cognitive sense and haven't had bad blood with each other.
-I was home schooled. Both my parents worked, so my siblings and I stayed home and worked on our own school work. I think this is illegal now but when I was a kid it was allowed. Having spent a year in college, I'm apparently a goddamn genius because of this, with a couple professors pulling me aside and saying I was the best student they ever had. Despite this, I am fucked when it comes to math. I never practiced it growing up, so I am extremely slow at it. I also have an incredibly strong, deep hatred for it. Whether difficult or easy, I completely hate it and avoid it. More on this later.
-My family was super religious. They weren't hateful like some very religious people, but still tossed a rational lifestyle to the wind because of their faith. My dad made many poor choices that fucked us over. I also made poor choices that fucked me over. I was in ministry through all my teen years and fully encouraged in it. Nobody told me to get a job or go to college, and I didn't catch on until it was late. I spent a long time trying to get hired anywhere, got my first job at 21. I sense that my lacking work experience continues to fuck me over and college (I have connections so a bachelors would get me a job in Korea) is my last chance at independence.
-From an odd mix of my strong religious views, being poor as fuck, and the affection stuff, nothing ever worked out with a girl. Clearly now as an atheist I'm very glad about this, but nevertheless I feel a lack. I wasn't uninterested, having over a dozen crushes and 5 loves through life, but it never worked out. I'd say 3 times I had a real chance at something, but I didn't go for it because I knew with the limitations in my life I couldn't treat them right. So I've had some "ungirlfriends" and with each one we were inseparable/truly loved each other but nothing ever solidified. Looking back, I feel kind of shitty about wasting their time. Yet as much as I refrained from my flawed concept of integrity and religious views, I know I am strongly responsive/inclined to affection. Simply sitting together holding hands is utterly euphoric, feels like it untangles the knots in my soul. I know the neuroscience behind this so I need to take care in not letting it cause me to make foolish relationship decisions. Still, I have a lot of love to give and someday some woman is going to be very spoiled.
So there is my general past. Basically a story of profound lack from every angle. How about mental illness?
Depression
My first experience with depression was Junior High ages. By that time in life we were finally staying in the same house for a long time, so I had made a good amount of friends around the neighborhood. Then, all in the same summer, they all moved away. Obviously, just as you're coming into the age where you are really aware of the world around you and that you'll have some sort of place in it, this is the worst time to lose all your friends. My parents also had a falling out with the pastor of the church we attended while I was growing up, so I lost that, too. Pretty much I spent ages 11-13 years laying in my bed in a black hole. The internet was just starting around then, so I tried to find people/meaning online, and IRC was alright, but obviously that can't replace having someone in person.
A lot of that changed when I became Christian (hard to explain, they didn't really teach us kids anything in church growing up) and I found some sort of answers for a lot of things humanity deals with. I also met a lot more people, however over the years nothing ever really stayed. Nobody was in my life for longer than two years. Between all the coming and going, still not having a life like others in society, and lack of proper romance, I have always fought with depression, just never as extreme as those first 3 years. Ministry was helpful, counseling other people and finding answers for them helped me to find them for myself, and it made me extremely good at self evaluation and awareness.
General Anxiety Disorder and Panic Disorder
Now many years down the line I was feeling fairly happy and fulfilled working at my first job. It was busy but it didn't feel stressful, and all of life was going pretty well, then some panic attacks started. It was in May of I think 4 or 5 years ago. They started in short flashes, like sudden overwhelming realization and fear of death, but then it'd be gone in 5 seconds and I would be like "what was that?!" and they increased in frequency, intensity and length in the months to come. By November I was living in a constant state of anxiety that was not affected by my thoughts, no matter how positively or rationally I was thinking, and no matter what I was doing or who I was with. After a week I'd have a period of downtime (likely exhaustion because I don't think you can keep freaking out forever) but then I was completely unmotivated and indecisive about everything, like my will was turned off. Nothing appealed to me.
At times the anxiety would become unbearable, as though dissatisfaction, fear, hopelessness, loneliness and futility were little creatures under my skin trying to claw themselves out. Usually at this I would crumple up in a ball, trembling, and hopefully have the composure to call a friend. My mind would run to thoughts of death, and if I rationally faced those, it would run to thoughts of an unfulfilled life and so on. Even after it became clear that my mind was just trying to grab hold of abstract concepts to match the feelings, it didn't make the feelings better. Even in the "lighter" times of anxiety, it felt like I was wasting my life on lesser things, but that there were no better things to spend it on, and the hopeless feeling came from that contradiction of feelings.
After I reached a point where I was having 3 breakdowns in a week and I was being affected at work, I started seeking help in any form. I had been trying therapy but there was nothing they could find that I hadn't already known about myself already. After another week of looking form that point my friend connected me with a doctor and after an evaluation with him I started taking sertraline and after only two weeks I felt normal again. Such a quick response isn't always how it happens, but does happen in some cases. We tried sertraline because my dad went through similar things and responded well to that so my doctor figured the genetic similarity may mean it would work well for me too.
I was on that for a few years but this year went off of it with seemingly no changes, so that's nice. However, something about it or other events completely changed my personality. I used to be a bright, even bubbly sort of person, perhaps even slightly hyper. I was very socially engaging with many people and easily quite popular. Now, I'm rather reserved, and prefer spending time with no more than four others at a time. I have a very laid-back and practical attitude to everything now, taking things as they are at face value rather than seeing grand patterns. I used to have such complex thoughts that I'd write huge articles on a blog to get them out, but I stopped because I'm more of a sensory person than a thought person now. I still appreciate girls, but I stopped concerning myself over them. I emotionally connect with movies and things like that more easily, and more often feel a kindhearted love for others in my life.
I don't know how much of that is just becoming more mature, how much is from the bad time making me think about death and evaluating the meaningful things of life, or how much is from brain shifts and chemicals. This shift happened around the same time I started on the meds, but that was also a time I had my heart utterly crushed by the deepest love I ever had, and when my family lost the house and we all went our separate ways (I started living with my aunt and cousin) so those are a few big changes that may have caused it. I guess the change seems positive overall. I'm not as often happy, yet I seem more satisfied. Becoming atheist this year has helped me feel more free, which has increased happiness, but I'm still rather low-key.
Current state
As I touched on before, I seem to have a very shitty chance at being hired. I tried nothing but to get hired anywhere for 2 straight years without getting a single interview. I even tried crawling back to old jobs, but they were at full capacity. I was trying to get work to save money for college before going, but after long enough without work, the result is the same as taking that risk and failing, so I figured I'd try for college. However, there are two main issues with this. First of all, as stated, I have this extreme math issue. I have to take a special remedial class that has several aids to help me get the math requirements for a bachelors, but even this special program is overwhelming to me to try and get through.
The second issue that came up was that I'm not eligible for financial aid. I spent a year in college 6 years ago. My parents were getting divorced, we were housing one of my brothers friends who was the most inconsiderate person I have ever known, and I had transpiration and nutrition issues. These compounded into me dropping some of my classes, yet no one warned me that this would fuck my ratio of "attempted credits" vs "fulfilled credits" with the government, so now I have to make up for those by fulfilling credit hours before I can get aid again.
What does this mean? The one math class I am taking now is only because of my best friend, a nuclear engineer in the navy, who freely offered to pay for it. Regardless, this class is in sections and I may need 2 or even 3 more semesters of it to pass, and that is assuming I succeed this semester. This, or success in other classes would be required before I can get aid to help finish college (my bad ratio also fucks up loans, though I wouldn't want to risk those on my poor math performance) but I first have to find a way to pay for those... which requires a job... which I couldn't get and that's why I'm in college...
Stress? Yeah, you could say that. But there is more! I live with my aunt and cousin. My aunt runs a business in our home (my sister already works for her so don't think there is room for me there) and my cousin has 2 years left in high school. My aunt is tired of this sort of life and this place, and has some big pressures on her as well, so when my cousin (who also doesn't like the idea of staying here) graduates she wants to sell the house and move to another state. This means my current grace/safety net is getting ready to be removed. So there is extra stress.
Looking at if worse comes to worse, ultimately, I don't think my family would let me be homeless. Even if I were okay with it, I don't think they would be, especially my parents who realize several ways that they made bad decisions and didn't guide me like they should have or even help me when I realized things myself, and are partially responsible for my situation. However, I'm almost 30 years old and nobody wants to be dead weight at that age. I already feel like a burden on my aunt no matter how much I help around the house, and I wouldn't want to be a burden to either of my parents.
So clearly this looming possibility has me carrying a good amount of stress, and a sense of worthlessness can be present sometimes (especially as I fall behind in math), or other times (when looking for work) the opposite where I am angry that no one is realizing my quality and potential, then throughout all of it, I've pretty much lost my friends. They moved to other states, got married and had kids, don't like that I'm atheist now, whatever. I hardly ever see or talk to them. My best chance at making new friends is international students due to some connections I have, but they are mostly undergrads and in a whole different sort of life so it's awkward, and not to mention difficult to maintain since I don't have a car. Thus, I am most often alone, which doesn't help at all.
I'm in a very strange place. This math class is the most important thing right now, yet math is the thing I hate more than anything. From that and possibly the related stress, I procrastinate with it, even though it honestly doesn't take too many work hours to do. If I push it off too much, though, I may end up rushing to catch up on more at once than I can handle, so I hope I don't fuck that up. Yet at the same time, finishing this one class won't mean much for making progress on my overall situation. I'll still need more semesters I can't pay for. In all this, I feel like my mom is the only one who really understands the concept of depression and how it can disable your motivation against all rationality, and everyone else thinks I'm just a slacker. That sucks, but at least I have one person.
A slight hope for the future is the friend who paid for my class. He really believes in me, as evidenced by his offer, which was of his own initiative. He'll be finishing his final term next year and moving back here. He will be exiting with a really good amount of money and excellent qualifications and has talked about starting his own business/project of some sort. He has also, a few times, talked about a possibility of living together since we're both (for differing reasons) in the first stages of forming our own individual lives. So who knows, maybe I'll end up working on some crazy project with him. He also owns two homes in big cities, so it's pretty crazy where things could go if our lives get on the same track.
There you go. All the ways/reasons I'm fucked up.
Prax
Member
^^ Your friend is truly awesome. You sound like you are building a good base for yourself and your hope and optimism adds to that. Working to better yourself at your weakest areas (I too, really hate math! I think I need to learn the same lessons twice to really "get it") is really admirable. I wish you the best of luck and really do hope the job and housing situation works out.. or your friend can hook you up with a job or pay you to get tasks for him done or something at least!
I figure some people try to be as difficult as they can in hopes of driving everyone who cares away in frustration.. to ultimately prove the point that they aren't worth the time. I can't tell if it's a certain pride or feeling of vindication (in a twisted way) in doing this. Maybe there is, or maybe there is deep guilt about feeling like you're wasting someone's energy and time.
But there must be some kind of desperation and hope to be proven wrong.
So anyway, if this is how any of you truly feel, just know that people do care. We do want to prove you wrong and wish you better health and better days. And it's not wasted energy. People are choosing to care.
I partially think it's a "test". I think some people thrash about hardest when they know people care and try to convince them away from whatever (in this case, self-destructive paths).
I figure some people try to be as difficult as they can in hopes of driving everyone who cares away in frustration.. to ultimately prove the point that they aren't worth the time. I can't tell if it's a certain pride or feeling of vindication (in a twisted way) in doing this. Maybe there is, or maybe there is deep guilt about feeling like you're wasting someone's energy and time.
But there must be some kind of desperation and hope to be proven wrong.
So anyway, if this is how any of you truly feel, just know that people do care. We do want to prove you wrong and wish you better health and better days. And it's not wasted energy. People are choosing to care.
Yes to all of this. In sum, being a vegan or a vegetarian, means accepting to be perpetually malnourished, and this will have tangible consequences over time, including on your mood.
Also, another important thing is that it's not possible to get a vegetable source of Omega-3 fatty acids. Flax seed oil is still promoted as a good source of it, but flax seed oil is worthless, and almost not converted at all. It will make no impact whatsoever on your Omega index. This is an area where it really, really helps to take some high quality Omega-3 gel caps from fish oil.
Personally, I avoid eating all grains, and dairy is no more than a treat. In particular, I avoid wheat, as modern wheat is especially bad. Nothing made me feel better than that.
It's sometimes a bit hard when you eat out, but it's doable. For example yesterday evening I went to a Chinese restaurant, and I got a soup with beef, an egg and onions inside, and a place with beef slices, with onions, two other vegetables and a ginger sauce.
Collete
Member
Again, I was depressed LONG before I became a vegetarian.
(Not to mention I was far worse before I became a vegetarian than I am now.)
I appreciate the feed back, however, it is not the case that vegetarians/vegans are more likely to develop depression.
B12 is a factor however, it is not logical to say that most vegetarians are deficient of it; as long as you do research, make sure you're on top of your vitamins, eat the right foods, you're going to be fine.
There are usually other underlining causes for depression as well, such as, death in family, brain chemical imbalance, tragic accident, etc.
Have you talked to your husband about this?
You're still injured and making you take care of the kids while he's out is just wrong...
Seriously, who the heck treats their wife worse when their parents are around?
Get a serious talk between you and him, and if need be try to consider some sort of counseling if he won't budge.
ThisWreckage
Banned
It's the best answer I have. I can acknowledge it is bad, but it also works for me.
See if you can get some anti-depressants instead. At least a doctor will be monitoring you.
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