Dating-Age |OT3| Positivity, Confidence, and Not Being a "Nice" Guy

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Revoh said:
God fucking damn it.
Had a second date... sex date, whatever, with a girl last night.
Went to her place, she received me in her panties, we instantly made out, went to the sofa and started fooling around, ate her out, then she did it to me, then it was time to fuck and... it went total soft. For the second time. I wanted to fucking kill myself.
I can't fight these feelings, I even thought I'm gay because that piece of ass didn't do anything for the little guy, this is ridiculous.

I gave up faping and porn 15 days ago (that's when I first had this problem with this girl), if that matters..
Also I'm going to the doctor tomorrow, I want to get everything checked, from STDs to Testosterone levels, diabetes, etc.
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Get checked if it's not a big deal or anything, but bro - same thing happened to me over a year back. I had just broken up with my first girlfriend (who I dated for 7 years) and started to get... intimate with other girls, and I would get SOOOO nervous, I'd feel it in the pit of my stomach, and that is not something that works well with boners. Then, I started getting nervous ABOUT getting nervous, and losing my boners - and that made it worse.

Luckily girl I was with was pretty chill/understanding about it, and I worked through it - I just had to stop placing expectations on myself (basically, it was a bit more involved than that) and stuff just happened. And after it went off without a hitch once or twice... problem gone.
 
Loona said:
I'm considering maybe signing up for a gym next month, but I tend to gravitate toward stuff like martial arts, which tend to have mostly guys in them - there might be exceptions, as at main job's main campus there were boxing classes and about half the people there were women, but the place has been undergoing renovations, so that's been out of reach, and I'm not sure when it'll be ready again.

Since there's already talk of planning the next OT, I wonder how viable would it be to list some activities that tend to have balanced female-to-male ratios, as a sort of tie-breaker for possible interests one may want to get more active in.
How one would gather the stats on that sort of thing, however, I have no idea...
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Choosing your hobbies based on whether or not there will be girls there is not in line with any current message being sent. That is not a very healthy way of thinking unfortunately.

Feep said:
Shut up, you. Coasting on your good looks to get by!
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Post or pm a picture of yourself :) I'm sure you have no reason to be angry and jealous of those with model looks.
 
So last summer (2011), my girlfriend went backpacking through Europe with her now ex-boyfriend. She wants to take the trip again (not necessarily next summer, but sometime in the future) with me. I've never been to Europe, and have planning on always doing a trip like that myself sometime... but I am weird for not necessarily wanting to go with her? Am I overreacting/overthinking in feeling like I'd just be echoing the ex by going on the same trip with her that he did?
 
Minamu said:
Choosing your hobbies based on whether or not there will be girls there is not in line with any current message being sent. That is not a very healthy way of thinking unfortunately.
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Wouldn't be so much a matter of choosing as a tie breaker between 2 or 3 things I'd go for regardless - but yeah, kind of a specific issue to deal with old hang-ups of mine so old unhealthy mindsets don't reemerge, hardly OP material.
 
Revoh said:
God fucking damn it.
Had a second date... sex date, whatever, with a girl last night.
Went to her place, she received me in her panties, we instantly made out, went to the sofa and started fooling around, ate her out, then she did it to me, then it was time to fuck and... it went total soft. For the second time. I wanted to fucking kill myself.
I can't fight these feelings, I even thought I'm gay because that piece of ass didn't do anything for the little guy, this is ridiculous.

I gave up faping and porn 15 days ago (that's when I first had this problem with this girl), if that matters..
Also I'm going to the doctor tomorrow, I want to get everything checked, from STDs to Testosterone levels, diabetes, etc.
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Lemme guess.....you placed extremely high expectations on what you thought was gonna happen. At some point, things didn't go as planned (which isn't necessarily a bad thing) or you got nervous. Not a big deal. Engaging in sexual activities with a new partner is often awkward and not what you want them to be. If you're both open and understanding, things will pan out as they should.

This happens to everyone. Don't sweat it.
 
I got an email from a girl I dated in like April. She went off with some other guy, unfriended me on facebook. That was it. Now she's like "Hey. how's things? Add me on facebook!"

...what? Where did THAT come from? I have a sneaking suspicion I'm the backup guy and things went to shit with the other one. She didn't text me so I know she deleted my number or she'd have done that. So weird hearing from her, especially after calling her out on her bullshit with the other guy the last time. It hurts me being ditched by a facebook post, on her wall, talking about her new boyfriend, which wasn't me. Do I even reply?
 
Darklord said:
I got an email from a girl I dated in like April. She went off with some other guy, unfriended me on facebook. That was it. Now she's like "Hey. how's things? Add me on facebook!"

...what? Where did THAT come from? I have a sneaking suspicion I'm the backup guy and things went to shit with the other one. She didn't text me so I know she deleted my number or she'd have done that. So weird hearing from her, especially after calling her out on her bullshit with the other guy the last time. It hurts me being ditched by a facebook post, on her wall, talking about her new boyfriend, which wasn't me. Do I even reply?
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I would say no, don't reply. Don't waste your time.
 
Kinitari said:
Get checked if it's not a big deal or anything, but bro - same thing happened to me over a year back. I had just broken up with my first girlfriend (who I dated for 7 years) and started to get... intimate with other girls, and I would get SOOOO nervous, I'd feel it in the pit of my stomach, and that is not something that works well with boners. Then, I started getting nervous ABOUT getting nervous, and losing my boners - and that made it worse.

Luckily girl I was with was pretty chill/understanding about it, and I worked through it - I just had to stop placing expectations on myself (basically, it was a bit more involved than that) and stuff just happened. And after it went off without a hitch once or twice... problem gone.
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Well I'm just glad I'm not the only one around here haha. This was me on the bus while I was going to her place.

-PXG- said:
Lemme guess.....you placed extremely high expectations on what you thought was gonna happen. At some point, things didn't go as planned (which isn't necessarily a bad thing) or you got nervous. Not a big deal. Engaging in sexual activities with a new partner is often awkward and not what you want them to be. If you're both open and understanding, things will pan out as they should.

This happens to everyone. Don't sweat it.
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Not really high expectations, I only expected standard sex stuff, and I did got them but as you say I did get nervous when it was time to put the condom and everything went to hell after that.

Can't wait till I completely forget about the hardcore porn I've seen, that shit also really fucked my brain up.
 
Alright guys, advice time. Haven't posted in here for a while, so for context, although I've had three relationships in the past of varying lengths, I've been blessed/cursed in that all of them fell directly into my lap. I'm comfortable being with people, but I'm absolutely clueless about getting there. Which leads into the advice I'm asking for today:
There's a girl I have a really good feeling about. Had a class with her all semester, we've talked occasionally, kind of liked her in a vague way, and then last week she starts sending me strong signals. The way she smiles at me, and laughs, and the way we talk, everything bodes well, more than anything I've felt in the last two years. We spent about three hours together on Wednesday, I was helping her with a class project in an area I have specialized knowledge of, we ended up getting lunch and talking about stuff and having a good time and she added me on Facebook.

Holy hell what do I do now? How on earth do I explicitly yet tastefully express that I like her? This has always been the gaping hole in my knowledge.
 
The Technomancer said:
Alright guys, advice time. Haven't posted in here for a while, so for context, although I've had three relationships in the past of varying lengths, I've been blessed/cursed in that all of them fell directly into my lap. I'm comfortable being with people, but I'm absolutely clueless about getting there. Which leads into the advice I'm asking for today:
There's a girl I have a really good feeling about. Had a class with her all semester, we've talked occasionally, kind of liked her in a vague way, and then last week she starts sending me strong signals. The way she smiles at me, and laughs, and the way we talk, everything bodes well, more than anything I've felt in the last two years. We spent about three hours together on Wednesday, I was helping her with a class project in an area I have specialized knowledge of, we ended up getting lunch and talking about stuff and having a good time and she added me on Facebook.

Holy hell what do I do now? How on earth do I explicitly yet tastefully express that I like her? This has always been the gaping hole in my knowledge.
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Just ask her out. It sounds like you're confident that she likes you, so you should be confident that she'll say yes when you ask her out.
 
SaskBoy said:
Just ask her out. It sounds like you're confident that she likes you, so you should be confident that she'll say yes when you ask her out.
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Ideas for what I should ask her out to do? I've never been good at coming up with date ideas. I am confident that she'll say yes, I'm not confident that she'll see it as a "date".

Perspicacity said:
Hey, we should to __PLACE__ on __DAY__

Just ask her on a date and when it feels right kiss her. Actions speak louder than words.
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On a logical level I know your right. On an emotional level, not having things be explicitly spelled out is still a huge problem for me, since I had that bite me deeply in the past, leading to a traumatic rejection and the only real bout I've had of depression. Yeah, I'm making excuses, I need to work up my courage.

(specifically I dated a girl who was bipolar and who's feelings about me changed on a whim, to the point where now I don't feel I can trust my judgement at all, because I just remember thinking she liked me and finding out otherwise, and then thinking she didn't and finding out otherwise as well. It feels like my ability to judge other's interest in me was fried)
 
The Technomancer said:
On a logical level I know your right. On an emotional level, not having things be explicitly spelled out is still a huge problem for me, since I had that bite me deeply in the past, leading to a traumatic rejection and the only real bout I've had of depression. Yeah, I'm making excuses, I need to work up my courage.

(specifically I dated a girl who was bipolar and who's feelings about me changed on a whim, to the point where now I don't feel I can trust my judgement at all, because I just remember thinking she liked me and finding out otherwise, and then thinking she didn't and finding out otherwise as well. It feels like my ability to judge other's interest in me was fried)
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Okay, I can see your point and I understand why this would be an issue but the thing is you can't realistically expect her to be totally on board without dating you. Thing is, maybe she could see herself with you or maybe she's already as interested as you are, but if you force the issue before she gets a real chance to evaluate you as dating material then you're removing her outs.

Things really only work out when people can feasibly believe that they are as invested in it as their date/partner is, so by laying shit out you're more likely to freak her the fuck out than anything else.

The other issue with spelling out your feelings is that even if she's not freaked out you're putting yourself at an immediate disadvantage - you'll feel you need to work extra hard to meet her standards when really you should be going into it both trying to meet each other's standards.

Just trust me, you'll be better off with the fewest strings attached going in.
 
Perspicacity said:
Okay, I can see your point and I understand why this would be an issue but the thing is you can't realistically expect her to be totally on board without dating you. Thing is, maybe she could see herself with you or maybe she's already as interested as you are, but if you force the issue before she gets a real chance to evaluate you as dating material then you're removing her outs.

Things really only work out when people can feasibly believe that they are as invested in it as their date/partner is, so by laying shit out you're more likely to freak her the fuck out than anything else.

The other issue with spelling out your feelings is that even if she's not freaked out you're putting yourself at an immediate disadvantage - you'll feel you need to work extra hard to meet her standards when really you should be going into it both trying to meet each other's standards.

Just trust me, you'll be better off with the fewest strings attached going in.
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Oh yeah, I know this. Thanks for the advice though, I need to read all of this stuff.
 
Wormdundee said:
I think there's some rule of thumb like don't make your feelings explicit until you both already know what those feelings are any way.
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Right, yeah, I'm just flailing around not knowing what to do instead. I think basically I need to find something for us to do together that's clearly a "date"
 
The Technomancer said:
Ideas for what I should ask her out to do? I've never been good at coming up with date ideas. I am confident that she'll say yes, I'm not confident that she'll see it as a "date".
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I think some people would disagree with me, but I don't see a problem with flat out saying it's a date. Like "Hey, wanna go on a date friday and get some coffee?" Or something like that.
 
The Technomancer said:
Ideas for what I should ask her out to do? I've never been good at coming up with date ideas. I am confident that she'll say yes, I'm not confident that she'll see it as a "date".

On a logical level I know your right. On an emotional level, not having things be explicitly spelled out is still a huge problem for me, since I had that bite me deeply in the past, leading to a traumatic rejection and the only real bout I've had of depression. Yeah, I'm making excuses, I need to work up my courage.
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I would explicitly mention the word "date" when you ask her. And whatever you end up doing, it can't possibly go as badly as this! http://imgur.com/a/k7y4N
 
The Technomancer said:
Ideas for what I should ask her out to do? I've never been good at coming up with date ideas. I am confident that she'll say yes, I'm not confident that she'll see it as a "date".
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Tell her you'd like to take her out for a drink. Subtly different from asking her if she wants to go for a drink.

Aruarian Reflection said:
I would explicitly mention the word "date" when you ask her. And whatever you end up doing, it can't possibly go as badly as this! http://imgur.com/a/k7y4N
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Oh god mega cringe.
 
Got a date for tomorrow. Technically my first date which is weird since I have had girlfriends and relationships before this. They just developed in different environments. I would say wish me luck but I am too awesome to need luck ;)
 
So if a girl is definitely not responding to texts (FB/phone) ...but at the same time invited you to a FB event, how do you read that?

I.e. Last week responded to txts and fb chat instantly. Now this week ignores them and doesn't reply. But still invited you to a group event on campus this Friday. And ignored texts asking about said event (tickets, etc.)

Conflicting messages here.
 
jaxword said:
So if a girl is definitely not responding to texts (FB/phone) ...but at the same time invited you to a FB event, how do you read that?

I.e. Last week responded to txts and fb chat instantly. Now this week ignores them and doesn't reply. But still invited you to a group event on campus this Friday. And ignored texts asking about said event (tickets, etc.)

Conflicting messages here.
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Considering it's a holiday week maybe she's just busy. This is of course the best case scenario. Go to the event and see if you still get the cold shoulder. Some people are just bad at responding through txts.
 
Devolution said:
Considering it's a holiday week maybe she's just busy. This is of course the best case scenario. Go to the event and see if you still get the cold shoulder. Some people are just bad at responding through txts.
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I swear Zuckerberg gets off on drama, that "SEEN" on fb chat has got to be the most ego-punching invention ever. WHY DIDN'T YOU REPLY WHAT DOES THIS MEAN~

A mutual friend says she's a bit flaky like that. Guess I'll see tomorrow. I have a bad feeling about this for some reason, which isn't normal since I'm usually half unaware of what's going on at any given point.
 
jaxword said:
I swear Zuckerberg gets off on drama, that "SEEN" on fb chat has got to be the most ego-punching invention ever. WHY DIDN'T YOU REPLY WHAT DOES THIS MEAN~

A mutual friend says she's a bit flaky like that. Guess I'll see tomorrow. I have a bad feeling about this for some reason, which isn't normal since I'm usually half unaware of what's going on at any given point.
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So she's seeing the stuff and not replying? =/.
 
People blindly mass-invite their whole friends list to events. That you received an invite is not a conflicting message to the dead air with the texts and facebook PMs that she has read and not responded to. She'll probably tell all her friends that you're a creeper if you initiate contact again. "Like, what do I need to do for him to get the message?!"
 
First time I've ever been complimented on my confidence today, and by a girl no less. Felt pretty good, even though I don't feel that confident, haha. She also expressed worry that I only talk to her because I think she's good looking, and me reassuring her that I found her genuinely interesting seemed to make her really happy. I'm thinking she's interested, but just insecure, probably won't find out until after finals, we're both incredibly busy. (And today was probably the last time we'll talk before finals are over)
 
EviLore said:
People blindly mass-invite their whole friends list to events. That you received an invite is not a conflicting message to the dead air with the texts and facebook PMs that she has read and not responded to. She'll probably tell all her friends that you're a creeper if you initiate contact again. "Like, what do I need to do for him to get the message?!"
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The global invite is true. I get invites despite not being in the same state or country as some folks.
 
jaxword said:
I swear Zuckerberg gets off on drama, that "SEEN" on fb chat has got to be the most ego-punching invention ever. WHY DIDN'T YOU REPLY WHAT DOES THIS MEAN~
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Lol, don't I know it. A couple months ago I met a girl for the second time at a mutual friend's party, we seemed to hit it off a little but I totally forgot to get her number before I left. Ended up getting her on facebook. She doesn't go on facebook very often so I after we had talked a couple times I sent her a message when she happened to be offline, asking for her number. Goddamn facebook shows the 'seen' thing but she doesn't respond. Until 5 or 6 days later. I had already pretty much given up at this point but I figured I might as well try to call her. She doesn't pick up and that's when I hit the 'fuck this' point.

Maybe she takes a long time to think these things over.
 
Ok so a friend of mine who I meet at work quit last month and she got out a 2 year relationship a few weeks before she quit because he wasn't ready for a "committed relationship". Anyways we start talking again and we decide to hangout at a comic shop for awhile and we are having a great time just browsing the comics and talking, then all of her friends show up and we go around the local areas and then eventually back to my house for video games and food. She had a great time so I suggested we hang out the next day at the local arcade, which she was already going to do because her friend was trying to set her up with someone. The guy they were setting her up with was pretty awesome but WAY out of her age range so me and her ended up hanging out most of the time at the arcade playing WiiU, Project Justice and ect. Then the one guy left (after kicking my ass big time at MvC2) and it pretty much became a double date and at the end of the day we were standing outside in the cold joking about how our friends think we are going out and ect and then right after that we make plans to have a huge anime, comic, movie and TV marathon for an entire weekend at my place.

So I am pretty sure she likes me and I have not had this much fun in awhile just going out and seeing someone but she is still hung up on her BF though since its only been like almost 2 months since they broke up and she has been saying she needs to get over him and ect. I am just wondering if any of you have to deal with the wait at all and how long did it take?

(Friend also decided to be a bit of a creep and add her on FB to ask her questions and she said she is not opposed to the idea its just the whole ex thing right now. I didn't ask him to do that so I though it was a bit weird....)
 
wwm0nkey said:
So I am pretty sure she likes me and I have not had this much fun in awhile just going out and seeing someone but she is still hung up on her BF though since its only been like almost 2 months since they broke up and she has been saying she needs to get over him and ect. I am just wondering if any of you have to deal with the wait at all and how long did it take?
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The girl I'm with now broke up with a boyfriend of 6 years sometime in September 2011. We tried dating in January and she wasn't ready yet. Mind you that was 6 years not 2 years, but still, it can take a while. Ended up taking her over 6 months.
 
Devolution said:
So she's seeing the stuff and not replying? =/.
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Ya, she was happily chatting with me last week and now it's radio silence since, uh...Sat? No, checking the ol' iphone I see there were a couple texts on Sunday.

She invited me to a thing last week too, but I already had committed to something else so I couldn't make that event...I wonder if I've lost too many points at this stage.





EviLore said:
People blindly mass-invite their whole friends list to events. That you received an invite is not a conflicting message to the dead air with the texts and facebook PMs that she has read and not responded to. She'll probably tell all her friends that you're a creeper if you initiate contact again. "Like, what do I need to do for him to get the message?!"
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Yeah, that's the bad feeling I am referring to. I think, if I don't get a reply to the "So, do I need a ticket?" message by tomorrow, I'll not go. Looking desperate will REALLY ruin things more than they are.

Though I will say it wasn't a blind mass-invite. There's a large amount, but not everyone we know is going, just a select few from our mutual friends who are into campus events. She knows I like that stuff.
 
Wormdundee said:
The girl I'm with now broke up with a boyfriend of 6 years sometime in September 2011. We tried dating in January and she wasn't ready yet. Mind you that was 6 years not 2 years, but still, it can take a while. Ended up taking her over 6 months.
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I am fine with waiting awhile to be honest, its just nice to hang out with her and other people since my other friends haven't been really active lately and its just been a really refreshing experience and she is just a very awesome person and I know it probably sounds a bit lame but I can actually be "me" without holding back anything really and its just been a great month so far :)
 
I've been a dick to my girlfriend. I'm doing the same thing I've been doing in all my relationships - I'm being paranoid, needy and always thinking that the worst things will happen.

When it comes to relationships I constantly "fish" for compliments. I guess I need the validation, due to my insecurities.


Every girl I've been with have grown bored with me. They think im the most sexy thing thing ever, and so mysterious and interesting. Fast-forward 2-3 months and they are ready to throw me out. It just gets worse and worse, because my negative-generalizations keep getting reinforced by this behavior.

I'm actually not needy. I don't want or need to see her everyday, but I feel that any women I am with will betray me. Any moment of the day is another day she could go out and cheat - And from my perspective any female friend I have had, have always fell for the bullshit. I don't denie that I haven't met or been with alot of women or have had that many female friends, but I have been so disappointed in women in the age range of 18-28. The contempt for their shallowness eats me up like an old man.


I simply think so little of the women I am with. I trust them, yet I don't. I know it has nothing to do with them, but it's me. It's my ego that won't get bruised. I am afraid she will be other guys laughing behind my back.

I feel entitled when she doesn't want to see me, or have sex. I'm a decent person, but I have these horrible hang ups with women. I don't think this way (I think) due to wanting to control or be better. It's just fear. It's just fear of loss. The irony is that, everything might be fine, but I am creating real life problems, because they are only in my head.


My ego is so massive in this area. If I am not the best guy. If I am not the most handsome, the most strong, the most interesting, the smartest, then someone else will sweep her up her feet, and because she loves new, interesting, mysterious, getting the best she can, and because I am not longer interesting because she knows me, I told her my feelings and thoughts - She has not as much incentive or adrenaline infusing experiences with me, as some new guy. She will most likely settle for a stable guy in 10-15 years from now.
 
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