Dating-Age |OT3| Positivity, Confidence, and Not Being a "Nice" Guy

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So you're giving up? I spent the equivalent of two cheese burgers last week's friday,managed to visit three clubs for free and I got the opportunity to feel four pairs of boobs without any work done. So clearly it can be done and there are different lives to live. There's literally nothing stopping you from living whatever kind of life you want, except your head :)
 
Okay, Gaf - I need your guidance.

I've been going out on a lot of dates through online dating sites recently, so I've been through a lot of different situations. However last night was a new one for me. This is the first girl that I actually want to see again, but I'm so confused as to where I stand.

Let me preface by giving you an idea of what kind of girl she is. She shook my hand when we first met and it took almost a week to get her to pick a time to meet up. She's super smart and works a difficult job that requires that she doesn't get emotionally involved.

Anyway, we had dinner and ate until the restaurant literally closed around us. We were the only ones left with the lady counting all the checks. Then she suggested that we go to a different location and walk around the town, keep in mind that it had been raining outside all day. So we do that for a couple of hours. It's now midnight and we're walking back to our cars. She kind of lingers a bit and makes small talk before we go into the parking garage. Once in the garage I tell her I had a great night. She just tells me to take care and drive safe and then bolts to her car and takes off. My mind was blown at that point. WTF just happened? Forget a hug goodbye, I didn't even get a handshake. I had thought the night was going great up until that point. Not a single moment of awkward silence or me saying something that would scare her off.

If she wanted out, she had SO MANY opportunities to cut the night short. Instead, she extended it. I know people might think that she wanted me to make a move before we got to the parking garage, but she did not strike me as that type of girl at all.

So where do I stand with all this?
 
Ask her out again (since you've already been on a date, changing tactics won't work very well). That should tell you what she wants. If she accepts, be more hands on if it's appropriate. What you described sounds like a romantic comedy date yet somewhat platonic.
 
I don't know where to find girls anymore, and I'm close to giving up. I've tried being social and going out, and while I did meet some girls and got their numbers(drunk girls, and I was drunk as well) every time I contacted the girl to set up a date they never responded or they would say that they're busy. I started talking to this girl in my class and we really connected and I asked her out and she said yes but then she cancelled so I don't know what the fuck to do anymore.

I can't do online dating because I'm ugly as sin and I don't really have any good pictures of myself. I haven't gone on a date in six years and while I have greatly enjoyed the time I've spent by myself I'm also a human being and I want to experience being in a relationship with a woman at least once in my life.
 
I don't know where to find girls anymore, and I'm close to giving up. I've tried being social and going out, and while I did meet some girls and got their numbers(drunk girls, and I was drunk as well) every time I contacted the girl to set up a date they never responded or they would say that they're busy. I started talking to this girl in my class and we really connected and I asked her out and she said yes but then she cancelled so I don't know what the fuck to do anymore.

I can't do online dating because I'm ugly as sin and I don't really have any good pictures of myself. I haven't gone on a date in six years and while I have greatly enjoyed the time I've spent by myself I'm also a human being and I want to experience being in a relationship with a woman at least once in my life.

What about pursuing someone who has similar hobbies? What kinds of social things do you like to do? Find some meet-ups that interest you. Do you run (or do you want to get in running shape)? Join an charity organization that is training for a 10k/Half/Marathon. Do you like to cook? Take a cooking class. Any post-collegiate subjects you're interested in? Take a class at the local University. This is how you build networks of people. Don't go into these things solely looking for a potential GF, but rather go into them looking for like-minded people. You might meet a guy who you click with who then introduces you to a new network of people, girls included.

In my opinion (and I'm sure others here will disagree) meeting girls at bars doesn't work unless you're just looking to hook up with someone. Sure, it does happen (technically I met my current GF at a bar, but it was at a mutual friend's B-day party), but you have a better shot at a relationship by meeting people in scenarios where you're sharing an experience that you both really enjoy.

Okay, Gaf - I need your guidance.

I've been going out on a lot of dates through online dating sites recently, so I've been through a lot of different situations. However last night was a new one for me. This is the first girl that I actually want to see again, but I'm so confused as to where I stand.

Let me preface by giving you an idea of what kind of girl she is. She shook my hand when we first met and it took almost a week to get her to pick a time to meet up. She's super smart and works a difficult job that requires that she doesn't get emotionally involved.

Anyway, we had dinner and ate until the restaurant literally closed around us. We were the only ones left with the lady counting all the checks. Then she suggested that we go to a different location and walk around the town, keep in mind that it had been raining outside all day. So we do that for a couple of hours. It's now midnight and we're walking back to our cars. She kind of lingers a bit and makes small talk before we go into the parking garage. Once in the garage I tell her I had a great night. She just tells me to take care and drive safe and then bolts to her car and takes off. My mind was blown at that point. WTF just happened? Forget a hug goodbye, I didn't even get a handshake. I had thought the night was going great up until that point. Not a single moment of awkward silence or me saying something that would scare her off.

If she wanted out, she had SO MANY opportunities to cut the night short. Instead, she extended it. I know people might think that she wanted me to make a move before we got to the parking garage, but she did not strike me as that type of girl at all.

So where do I stand with all this?

She wouldn't have spent that much time with you if she wasn't interested. It's possible that she didn't want to kiss you on the first date, so she tried to avoid any awkwardness by bolting. Who knows. But she didn't reject you, it sounds like the date went well. Take the initiative and set up a second date. Since it was hard finding a time for the first date, expect to find it hard to set up a second one as well. Don't take it as he not showing interest if setting up a date the second time around is as hard as the first. If she's really not interested then she won't agree to a second date. As Minamu mentioned earlier, however, make sure you make a move by the end of the second date to establish your interest and confirm she's interested in you as more than just a friend.
 
She wouldn't have spent that much time with you if she wasn't interested. It's possible that she didn't want to kiss you on the first date, so she tried to avoid any awkwardness by bolting. Who knows. But she didn't reject you, it sounds like the date went well. Take the initiative and set up a second date. Since it was hard finding a time for the first date, expect to find it hard to set up a second one as well. Don't take it as he not showing interest if setting up a date the second time around is as hard as the first. If she's really not interested then she won't agree to a second date. As Minamu mentioned earlier, however, make sure you make a move by the end of the second date to establish your interest and confirm she's interested in you as more than just a friend.

Is the general guideline that if the girl doesn't kiss by the 2nd or 3rd date, that it's time to move on? What if she's just shy?
 
Is the general guideline that if the girl doesn't kiss by the 2nd or 3rd date, that it's time to move on? What if she's just shy?
If there was no kiss by the third date, I would take that as a sign that she rather be friends. The only way around that would be if she said she was interested in a romantic relationship, but just wanted to take things slow. That way I would know that I wasn't wasting my time with a girl that has no interest in me.
 
Is the general guideline that if the girl doesn't kiss by the 2nd or 3rd date, that it's time to move on? What if she's just shy?

I think that if you haven't tried to kiss her by the third date then you're going to seem passive and uninterested in her. She'll probably wonder why you haven't tried, and that will lead to negative thoughts about you and your intentions. You have to at least try.

It's possible that she'll give you the cheek, or say she wants to go slow, or something like that, but at least it's a point of conversation. Obviously it's not a hard and fast rule because there could be other factors at play (shyness, lack of experience, etc) but I think more often than not by the third date you've kissed.
 
If there was no kiss by the third date, I would take that as a sign that she rather be friends. The only way around that would be if she said she was interested in a romantic relationship, but just wanted to take things slow. That way I would know that I wasn't wasting my time with a girl that has no interest in me.
The worst is when you make out then by the second date she doesn't really want to kiss you...
 
If you ask a girl out and her reply is "Sure, if I can manage to get some free time." Does that seem like a round about way of saying no without saying no to you?
 
If you ask a girl out and her reply is "Sure, if I can manage to get some free time." Does that seem like a round about way of saying no without saying no to you?
Follow up and if she doesn't make an effort to try and schedule something then move on. She honestly could be busy at the moment.
 
If you ask a girl out and her reply is "Sure, if I can manage to get some free time." Does that seem like a round about way of saying no without saying no to you?

Yes, this happened recently to me. It just means she really isn't interested in you, like if there is absolutely nothing going on in her life she might consider going out with you but don't count on it.
 
Follow up and if she doesn't make an effort to try and schedule something then move on. She honestly could be busy at the moment.

I plan to, it is reaching the end of semester so she really could be busy, but this is what I worry about:

Yes, this happened recently to me. It just means she really isn't interested in you, like if there is absolutely nothing going on in her life she might consider going out with you but don't count on it.

(When do I reach the point of no longer caring that much about rejection that GAF says happens if you ask out enough girls? So far I don't see it)
 
(When do I reach the point of no longer caring that much about rejection that GAF says happens if you ask out enough girls? So far I don't see it)

I know how you feel, my dick isn't magnetically attracted to every girl that walks by, there's only a few girls where I feel that initial attraction and desire to ask them out, so I haven't really asked out that many girls and the ones I have asked have rejected me, so I don't know, I guess I just have to keep asking out every girl I see.
 
I guess being cool was the right move.
She contacted me today to make very sure that she was going to see me on tuesday and then some cute stuff about how she's sorry for not bringing me soup and cookies. I'm not actually sick at this point but my voice is almost completely gone as fallout from whatever this illness was.

Imaginary crisis averted.
 
So I have a date with a really cute girl I just met for this coming Wednesday (which also happens to be my birthday!) We exchanged numbers on Saturday the 17th, but I haven't initiated any contact since then.

She took my breath away, so I'm excited.
 
Alright need some advice guys. Girlfriend of 3 months broke up with me yesterday. I really got more attached to her than anyone I've dated before so its rough. Already did the get drunk with friends thing last night, but that just led to me drunk texting her and making me feel worse.

We talked during the day yesterday. Never had fights between us, always got along real well. She just said she didn't feel the same way about me when we first met. She was the one that was definitely more into me at the start, and it felt amazing to have someone care for me that much, which led to me getting more attracted to her. So she said she still likes me as a person, but just lost the spark over the past few weeks, and said we shouldn't talk for a bit. She said she'll see how she feels in a few weeks after heading back home for Thanksgiving and see if she gets any of those same feelings back.

So the question is do I hold out any hope that she reconsiders in a few weeks? I know it may be a long shot, but I know time off occasionally helps a relationship. I know if we do start seeing each other again, one of us could probably end up hurt in the same way, but its a risk I'm willing to take just to be with her. I was probably a few weeks away from telling this girl I loved her, but now its all gone.
 
So the question is do I hold out any hope that she reconsiders in a few weeks? I know it may be a long shot, but I know time off occasionally helps a relationship. I know if we do start seeing each other again, one of us could probably end up hurt in the same way, but its a risk I'm willing to take just to be with her. I was probably a few weeks away from telling this girl I loved her, but now its all gone.

God no. The only reason she said what she did is because she didn't want to crush you completely.
 
If you ask a girl out and her reply is "Sure, if I can manage to get some free time." Does that seem like a round about way of saying no without saying no to you?
She is probably turning you down but there's always a chance she's just busy. Like others said, try once more and if she isn't reciprocating, move on.

Numbers obtained. Call or text first?

Inane, I know, but I'd like GAFs opinion.
Neither, ordinarily. But if you got her number and she expects you to reach out to her, send a text.

(When do I reach the point of no longer caring that much about rejection that GAF says happens if you ask out enough girls? So far I don't see it)
You have to stop asking girls out for the wrong reasons. They are not meant to fill some imaginary void in your heart. When you want something in return from every girl out there, you get anxious and frustrated when you don't get what you expect. Give them joy instead of expecting a pay off from every encounter. Women are not here to validate you as a man, so don't let them do that by feeling less of a man when they are not interested. Only you should validate yourself.

So I have a date with a really cute girl I just met for this coming Wednesday (which also happens to be my birthday!) We exchanged numbers on Saturday the 17th, but I haven't initiated any contact since then.

She took my breath away, so I'm excited.
Congrats :)

So the question is do I hold out any hope that she reconsiders in a few weeks? I know it may be a long shot, but I know time off occasionally helps a relationship. I know if we do start seeing each other again, one of us could probably end up hurt in the same way, but its a risk I'm willing to take just to be with her. I was probably a few weeks away from telling this girl I loved her, but now its all gone.
Three months is nothing. She has probably found another guy and is covering it up so there's not much you can do. Don't sit around waiting for her to come back, it rarely happens and it's not a good look for anyone either. You sound overly attached, especially with the wanting to risk getting hurt, that's crazy talk three months in.
 
Woof I'm in a bad place dating wise right now. I'd always just brushed not having a girlfriend as not really trying but recently I started trying, The girl I had been messing around with for months now bailed recently and since then I've just been comparing every girl to her.

Signed up for OKC even though it's not a big site in my country. I've sent 9 messages total but no bites yet and since the site is not that big in my country the pool has pretty much run out for me. . Had a thing at the university and met an incredible cutie there, had a ton of fun but I forced myself in a little too much at the end and went out smoking with her and a girlfriend while she was just planning on smoking with her friend, and they just candidly talked about some dude she was messing around with. Added her on facebook because what the hell, but she didn't respond to a message asking her out for drinks and I know she saw it.

Went to another party monday and met a cute girl there I was excited about, my friends were hosting the party so they all tried helping me out a little but I didn't pull the trigger that night and only got her number. Texted her today and she didn't really remember me so I had to remind her first and we had a little cute conversation going but when I asked if she wanted to go out for drinks or play pool she literally went radio silent. Sent a little bit of a butthurt message back about how she should take a chance and I wasn't asking her to marry me so that's done too. Pff...I felt a lot more confident when I wasn't trying...I know the attitude here is that you'll be better off trying than not at all but I sure feel like shit right now. And it's actually dragging my girl skills down too, I felt extremely rusty monday night just not really having a smooth fun conversation while I usually do pretty ok once we get to the conversation part.

I'd post my OKC profile here but I'm probably better suited posting it over there?
 
I got really hammered and hooked up with my also really hammered ex(as of 1 month ago). That was really weird and bittersweet.
 
Alright need some advice guys. Girlfriend of 3 months broke up with me yesterday. I really got more attached to her than anyone I've dated before so its rough. Already did the get drunk with friends thing last night, but that just led to me drunk texting her and making me feel worse.

We talked during the day yesterday. Never had fights between us, always got along real well. She just said she didn't feel the same way about me when we first met. She was the one that was definitely more into me at the start, and it felt amazing to have someone care for me that much, which led to me getting more attracted to her. So she said she still likes me as a person, but just lost the spark over the past few weeks, and said we shouldn't talk for a bit. She said she'll see how she feels in a few weeks after heading back home for Thanksgiving and see if she gets any of those same feelings back.

So the question is do I hold out any hope that she reconsiders in a few weeks? I know it may be a long shot, but I know time off occasionally helps a relationship. I know if we do start seeing each other again, one of us could probably end up hurt in the same way, but its a risk I'm willing to take just to be with her. I was probably a few weeks away from telling this girl I loved her, but now its all gone.

Don't mean to sound like a defeatist here, but it's over. Delete her phone number, move on. I feel you on the being into her thing, but you'll get over it as long as you take an active role in getting over it, dig?
 
Think I'm going to pull the plug on OkC again, or at least stop checking it. I'm getting NO results, these gals aren't even checking my profile, and I've almost literally ran out of people to message in my area.

More importantly, what's GAF's thoughts on asking a girl out at her work? I know someone I used to have classes with, but where she works seems to be the only place I can catch her. Asking someone out while they're at work just seems like such a bad idea, though.
 
Think I'm going to pull the plug on OkC again, or at least stop checking it. I'm getting NO results, these gals aren't even checking my profile, and I've almost literally ran out of people to message in my area.

More importantly, what's GAF's thoughts on asking a girl out at her work? I know someone I used to have classes with, but where she works seems to be the only place I can catch her. Asking someone out while they're at work just seems like such a bad idea, though.

I'd try to avoid asking her out while she's actually working but maybe you can catch her in her break? Although I'm not sure how you know where she works, if you come over specifically to ask her out that might be considered a little creepy.
 
I'd try to avoid asking her out while she's actually working but maybe you can catch her in her break? Although I'm not sure how you know where she works, if you come over specifically to ask her out that might be considered a little creepy.

I have quite a few friends/mutual acquaintances that work at the same place. It's Best Buy, so it's not really weird for me and my crew to just go there from time to time being nerds and all.
 
Here's my OKC profile, any feedback would be appreciated and this is going to sound like an excuse but my priorities aren't really at OKC since it's pretty barren in my country so I just wrote it in one go and didn't think about it again. http://www.okcupid.com/profile/glitchedmob

Looks fine to me but you should check out the OKC thread for more input (and a whole bunch of guys checking out your profile and rating you highly, haha). I'd change the 'You should message me if...' into something more positive though, or even take it out completely. But that's just me :)
 
My friend has been complaining to me lately that he's been friend zoned by a girl he's been interested in for a while. First off, the girl is just using him. Secondly, you need to be more than a nice guy to get a girl. Being nice is the ace in the hole for most girls, but it's the shallower things that they'll see first. Get the rest of your shit together and your kindness will become the deal maker.

Yeah, you're a great guy, but you probably should brush your teeth. Yeah you're nice, but you should filter out some of the stuff you talk about.

Being nice does not mean you deserve the girl of your dreams. You can be nice, but if you're not getting what you want there's probably something else you need to work on. If that doesn't work, just move on. You're probably more confident now anyways.
 
My friend has been complaining to me lately that he's been friend zoned by a girl he's been interested in for a while. First off, the girl is just using him. Secondly, you need to be more than a nice guy to get a girl. Being nice is the ace in the hole for most girls, but it's the shallower things that they'll see first. Get the rest of your shit together and your kindness will become the deal maker.

Yeah, you're a great guy, but you probably should brush your teeth. Yeah you're nice, but you should filter out some of the stuff you talk about.

Being nice does not mean you deserve the girl of your dreams. You can be nice, but if you're not getting what you want there's probably something else you need to work on. If that doesn't work, just move on. You're probably more confident now anyways.

Yes. Yes. Yes. Yes.

Work on yourself full speed ahead and good things will just come naturally. To naysayers of this, I speak from total 100% experience here.
It's so common sense too.
 
Alright folks, I have a bit of a conundrum. There is a long story behind it but I'll try to give you the important bits without writing a novel.

I had a crush on girl A a long time ago, she lived far away (3 hours) and was seeing someone and I wasn't really looking for anyone then so I did nothing about it. A couple of years later I find out she's moving into the area and is available. I see her a couple of times out with mutual friends decide I did indeed like her and ask her out. We date some over the course of a month and a half or so. We don't sleep together (not sure if relevant). She breaks it off. I take some time and end up dating this other girl who seems alright that I'm not really interested in, go on 5 or 6 dates with her and Girl A starts texting me again. We end up dating for a couple of months, shit happens, she loses her roommate (my sister) and I'm looking to move, I end up living with her for two months. That makes the whole dating thing really awkward and basically kills it (lesson learned). Long story short she moves to CO for what is supposed to be a 5 month stay (she got a job working at a ski resort for the winter). She talks about wanting to come back to MA afterwards, but really who knows what will happen. Once she's gone I get a bit broken up over it and realize that I loved her. But hey, shit happens, I move on. As far as I'm concerned she made her choice.

I start dating Girl B a week before Girl A leaves. Dates are fun but I'm not super interested in her. Turns out she is really into me, which is alright with me because I'm having a good time for now. At this point we have been dating for 7 weeks or so. I like her a lot, but it's not the same as it was with Girl A. I enjoy spending time with Girl B we have lots of fun and are sleeping together.

My dilemma is today Girl B requests to be friends on FB. I accept and word is out already that I'm seeing her. Tonight I get some BS text from Girl A that seems like her just looking for an excuse to reach out to me. I'm obviously not thinking about immediately dropping the current gf for someone so far away. I would however like to still try to convince girl A to indeed come back to MA and see what happens, but I also don't want to lead Girl B on while I do so. Is it amoral for me to flirt some with Girl A who is 2000 miles away while dating Girl B when I know that if I had the chance I'd drop B for A?

Stupid morals, would be so much easier if I just didn't care.
 
Alright folks, I have a bit of a conundrum. There is a long story behind it but I'll try to give you the important bits without writing a novel.

I had a crush on girl A a long time ago, she lived far away (3 hours) and was seeing someone and I wasn't really looking for anyone then so I did nothing about it. A couple of years later I find out she's moving into the area and is available. I see her a couple of times out with mutual friends decide I did indeed like her and ask her out. We date some over the course of a month and a half or so. We don't sleep together (not sure if relevant). She breaks it off. I take some time and end up dating this other girl who seems alright that I'm not really interested in, go on 5 or 6 dates with her and Girl A starts texting me again. We end up dating for a couple of months, shit happens, she loses her roommate (my sister) and I'm looking to move, I end up living with her for two months. That makes the whole dating thing really awkward and basically kills it (lesson learned). Long story short she moves to CO for what is supposed to be a 5 month stay (she got a job working at a ski resort for the winter). She talks about wanting to come back to MA afterwards, but really who knows what will happen. Once she's gone I get a bit broken up over it and realize that I loved her. But hey, shit happens, I move on. As far as I'm concerned she made her choice.

I start dating Girl B a week before Girl A leaves. Dates are fun but I'm not super interested in her. Turns out she is really into me, which is alright with me because I'm having a good time for now. At this point we have been dating for 7 weeks or so. I like her a lot, but it's not the same as it was with Girl A. I enjoy spending time with Girl B we have lots of fun and are sleeping together.

My dilemma is today Girl B requests to be friends on FB. I accept and word is out already that I'm seeing her. Tonight I get some BS text from Girl A that seems like her just looking for an excuse to reach out to me. I'm obviously not thinking about immediately dropping the current gf for someone so far away. I would however like to still try to convince girl A to indeed come back to MA and see what happens, but I also don't want to lead Girl B on while I do so. Is it amoral for me to flirt some with Girl A who is 2000 miles away while dating Girl B when I know that if I had the chance I'd drop B for A?

Stupid morals, would be so much easier if I just didn't care.

I am not good at Algebra, does anyone know the solution to this equation?
 
That's why I use made up names, it's a lot easier to understand than single letters.

But let's disregard the fact that A even exists.
You're still leading B on at this very moment because you've said yourself that you're not truly interested in her. It sounds like you would drop her pretty quick if something better came along. It's all personal morals but I don't know how comfortable I would be doing that, it comes pretty close to using her.

But I think you already know that it's amoral to be flirting with someone when you're supposedly dating a girl already.
 
That's why I use made up names, it's a lot easier to understand than single letters.

But let's disregard the fact that A even exists.
You're still leading B on at this very moment because you've said yourself that you're not truly interested in her. It sounds like you would drop her pretty quick if something better came along. It's all personal morals but I don't know how comfortable I would be doing that, it comes pretty close to using her.

But I think you already know that it's amoral to be flirting with someone when you're supposedly dating a girl already.

I'm not sure that is what I mean though. I enjoy being with her, I like her, shes great. It just isn't like it was with girl A, which was a very overwhelming feeling. The more time I spend with her the more attached I get, I just don't know if I see a future with her. Am I wrong to let things run their course and see what happens while also trying to improve my chances with Girl A? I don't even know what I want at this point.
 
Appropriate texting times?

For the first text, anyways.

Do you two have a date planned? If so, text the day before the date with something like:

"Hey, ____, we still on for tomorrow night?" Or something.

If you don't have a date planned, a first text is a great chance to make one.

"Hey, _____. I was wondering if you'd want to grab some lunch/coffee/dinner/etc with me sometime this week?" And better yet, instead of "sometime this week" suggest an actual day. If she works together with you to make the date happen (ie: if the day you suggest doesn't work for her but she suggests another day or time) then that's a great sign!

But don't text too often or too much at once, at first anyway. Trust me, I've been on the receiving end of that and it does nothing but put people off. Once you guys are closer, longer or more frequent texting shouldn't be an issue.

Good luck, Joker!
 
Do you two have a date planned? If so, text the day before the date with something like:

"Hey, ____, we still on for tomorrow night?" Or something.

If you don't have a date planned, a first text is a great chance to make one.

"Hey, _____. I was wondering if you'd want to grab some lunch/coffee/dinner/etc with me sometime this week?" And better yet, instead of "sometime this week" suggest an actual day. If she works together with you to make the date happen (ie: if the day you suggest doesn't work for her but she suggests another day or time) then that's a great sign!

But don't text too often or too much at once, at first anyway. Trust me, I've been on the receiving end of that and it does nothing but put people off. Once you guys are closer, longer or more frequent texting shouldn't be an issue.

Good luck, Joker!

Thank you!
 
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