A boy is born to a woman who has to go off of her powerful antipsychotics so as not to hurt the baby. She spends her pregnancy strapped to her bed, attempting to lash out at hospital staff. Finally, a healthy boy is born. But what will his future be like?
'Dream' is a pseudonym. you can direct question for him to me.
Bagels: So, how do you want to do this interview? Do you want to go by
Dream?
Dream: Yeah, I figured the moniker works. Also, I love the comic Sandman by Neil Gaiman
Bagels: Okay, we'll start with the usual stuff - who are you and what do you do? As much or as little as you care to say.
Dream: Right. I'll keep my name and location withdrawn, but I can discuss what I do. I work as a healthcare provider in emergency medicine.
Bagels: So you're in your early 20s, currently working as a paramedic?
(at this point
Dream refers to me multiple times by my real name, which is just weird. Im so used to being
Bagels
)
Bagels: do you get to drive the ambulance?
Dream I do.
Bagels: BADASS! You would be my son's hero
Dream: And I have a monitor, stretcher, IV kit, and so forth. I get to do the badass stuff you physicians do, BUT EN ROUTE WITH A SIREN.
Dream: Just have one of the nurses blare one and simulate the ambulance experience as you orotracheally intubate a patient. You've intubated patients before, yes?
Bagels: not yet; just dummies
Dream: Oh, my, wait until you get there.
Bagels: you don't do it until anesthesia
Dream: It's a bit different in the EMS field.
Bagels: I imagine
Bagels: So you're 21, currently working as a paramedic. How did you get into that? How is it?
Dream: I've a family member that works in the field. I grew up entrenched in the EMS field. I'd like to say it was my first choice and what I plan to do for the rest of my life as that would be simple but it's neither.
Bagels: So what do you want to eventually do with your life? Frame your answer in terms of a compliment for me...
Dream: Adulated, Hyperbolic Answer: A PHYSICIAN, JUST LIKE MY NEWFOUND IDOL, [
Bagels real name].
Bagels: Please, call me
DOCTOR Bagels
Dream: I like the sound of that. I will call you Dr.
Bagels from henceforth.
Dream: Genuine Answer: As far as what I want to do is concerned, I'm in a bit of a... I don't want to say "rut," because that implies no propulsion is being made, but I am sort of confined right now. I've an idea of where I want to go, but I'm trying to make sure it's both complimentary of my dreams and practical. I love writing. I've been penning and sketching things for as long as I can recall. Some of my earliest works involved a dog and a horse shrinking down and being accosted by a "giant" Mantis but I'd like to think I've matured and developed since I was seven! Growing up, I took a shine to film, comics, books, and television. My desire is to put back what I've "taken" from the goodness of our art and culture. Whether it be through comics, books, television, or those silly phrases you see on bathroom stall walls.
Bagels: haha
Bagels: I'm another person dreaming of writing
I wonder if that goes along with depression?
Dream: But I know it's an arduous field that's often the person you encounter at gathering's that fascinating, but aloof. It's hard to make it and I don't want to starve in pursuit of this dream. So I've been considering advancing within the medical field with additional courses and time. I could still pursue what I wish and have a day job to support myself while I do so.
You mentioned writing several things during our personal message chats. I wondered, and now I know.
I do think there is a corollary between depression and creativity.
Bagels: the book "Touched with Fire" deals with that
Bagels: there does seem to be a real relationship
Dream: Comedians, filmmakers, writers, and the like often do admit to being accosted by mood disorders, depression, and illnesses that fall under the same umbrella.
Dream: I haven't heard of the book. I'd love to read it, though. Perhaps you can provide the author's name at the end of the interview?
Bagels: It's in the thread. Kay Redfield Jamison. Hopkins psychologist with bipolar disorder
Dream: I must have missed that. I'm definitely intrigued. Thank you.
Bagels: So in terms of going further in the medical field - what would you like to do?
Dream: Physician Assistant is one avenue I'm exploring.
Bagels: that could be fun. In some states you're more or less a doctor
Dream: With what I do currently, I feel like I have a good grasp of the field with still much to learn, mind you.
Bagels: well, how much do you want to talk about your incredible origin story?
Dream: I'm willing to delve as far as you're willing to go.
Bagels: I'm willing to hear it all. It's up to you what you'd like to share
Dream: I'll start from the beginning, then. Feel free to interject and inquire at your own leisure.
I'll preface this by saying I've two sets of parents. For all intents and purposes, I use "adoptive" and "biological." That'll make sense once we get further into it.
My biological mother didn't feel like she coalesced with the rest of her family. She had a severe mood disorder that required the use of Lithium. Her psychosis was induced by traumatic events in her life which I'm only privy to two.
The first involved her younger brother. They had a row. He wanted to play and pestered her and she dismissed him. He ran off and fetched his bike. He didn't make it too far down the road. A car hit him and he unfortunately passed away.
Bagels: wow
Dream: I don't know the specifics, but I suspect she was blamed by her family even if they never said it the guilt hung over her.
The second involved her and a close friend. The aforementioned friend was driving her, when they were thrown into an abject collision. The driver's side was crushed. Her friend didn't make it.
Bagels: okay, so those are two good reasons to be screwed up...
Dream: Just one of those events could seriously hamper one's emotional and mental health.
She grew up surrounded by what she perceived to be "normal" people in her family. There was a disparity between her and everyone else. She wanted to buy a home, get married, have a child to escape the "black sheep" misnomer.
She was placed in and out of mental health facilities and "tucked away" by her family.
She eventually had her wish granted and became impregnated. The baby ended up being stillborn.
She learned about the risks of Lithium and fetuses, and decided that she wanted to borne a human being. Against her family and healthcare provider's wishes, she stopped the Lithium and was once more pregnant.
Bagels: this is such a tragic story
Dream: There's a naïveté that is indeed tragic. A dreary nine months unfolded. Off the Lithium, she couldn't function. I've read and heard various things about what happened during this interim. She was locked in a hospital room and restrained for a great deal of it as she was a harm to herself and others.
Seeing the acrimony and grief her affliction was causing, her father motioned for her to have the fetus aborted. It was brought before a judge and they ruled in his favor.
I'm going to place a tag here, as there's an intriguing part of this story involving this judge (I'll try to remember to come back to it!)
She protested. I'm not entirely certain when her guardian entered, but she also lobbied for her to have the right to choose. And in an interesting turn of events, both pro-life and pro-choice sects became intertwined. They believed she had the right to have the baby, if that was her choice.
It was brought before the district court for that particular area, and they overturned the decision made by the previous judge. So she could have the baby, but it would be with stipulations from the state. She wouldn't be permitted to keep it. The state would seize custody of the newborn and try to find it a home as swiftly as possible. This was more than likely due to the media circus that had pitched metaphorical tents around this story.
And, so, I was born just shy of two months premature. She touched my nose and thought "He has my nose." That's it. She wasn't permitted to hold me or see me. From what I've been told, I was ultimately ushered from the hospital through the rear entrance to avoid reporters, prying eyes, and the like.
Bagels: that's fucked
Dream: Yes, folks, the twist is I WAS THAT BABY.
Bagels: WOAH! I did NOT see that coming!
Dream: I'VE BEEN WRITING FICTION ALL THIS TIME, WHY DON'T I JUST USE THIS?
Bagels: "ripped from the headlines..."
Dream: Quite literally.
Dream: She had the wherewithal to sign the appropriate custody forms and agreed to the state immediately placing me in a home. Fortunately, she knew not doing so could leave me trapped in the foster system. Due to my prematurity, I was underweight and had a severe renal infection. The state tried to place me in one of her family's homes, but they ultimately decided an indisposed newborn was too much of a burden.
ENTER my adoptive parents. They had fostered "special needs" children in the past. The state was... Unsure what to do with me. They knew I needed a stable home and care, as precisely what I inherited (if anything) wouldn't be known for a fair bit.
Anecdotally speaking, I recently viewed the film "Looper," and feel the crux of the film's moral quandary with one of the characters shares a similitude to my own story. Except I don't have awesome TK abilities. Ah, well. Viewers of the film may catch that reference.
Dream: So I was placed in their care. The state offered all sorts of compensation, as they felt they were unloading a burden. My adoptive parents only asked for medical insurance which paid in SPADES but declined any sort of monetary compensation.
Dream: Phew, so we got the kernel of this yarn down.
Bagels: it's a good story!
Dream: As an aside, they did make a direct-to-TV Lifetime sort of film about this. I haven't viewed it. I'd imagine I would GUFFAW and SCOFF, as they did alter quite a number of things.
Bagels: Seriously? There's a movie about you?!
Dream: Yes. It focuses mostly on my biological mother. It glamorized the entire affair and, well, made it into a Lifetime movie.
[title of movie redacted]
Bagels: So does this kind of take us up to your mental health issues?
Dream: Yes. I think that would be the next logical point of the story.
I was a bit troubled in school. I was enrolled into a "private" religious affiliated academy. I recall being taught to fluently read in kindergarten.
We would read through these rote, simplistic books that were only several pages in length. But I'd always want to know what happened next. I'd occasionally cheat and try to read onward.
I soon earned a negative precedence and was treated as such. I recall one kid bullying me on a regular basis. Happenstance to me being expelled due to accruing too many infractions and my parents voluntarily withdrawing me from the program, I finally stood up to him. He motioned to "fight" me and clocked him in the eye. He ended up drawing me a picture and telling me he'd miss my presence. I recall being excruciatingly bored there with the curriculum. A counselor suggested my mother teach me at home. Meeting me in person, you wouldn't suspect this. Also, my friends look at me incredulously whenever I talk about it.
So my mother taught me at home with books and curriculum provided by the state. The timing worked out, as I started to develop ailments. Abject allergies and sinuses led physicians to believe I had cystic fibrosis. As it turns out, I had abnormal sinuses and merely required surgery to create natural "holes" for them to drain properly. I later was diagnosed with Malignant Melanoma on my side and required two surgeries to be absolved of the cancerous tissue.
Bagels: yikes! : That's a scary cancer.
Dream: That growth was on my side for months before I thought to say anything.
Bagels its a miracle that youre alive and, aside from visiting NeoGAF, strike me as very normal.
Dream: I returned to formal public school for the tail-end of elementary school and part of middle school, but was often sick. By high school, I was fine.
Dream: So the mental health issues
This would be when you and I (DR. BAGELS) became acquainted. I had seen the "Depression" thread on NeoGAF and never ventured inside. "Oh, I don't need to go in there, I'm not depressed. What would I contribute?"
Dream: I hit a rut and faced an excruciating series of tasks. Around this time, I decided to quit "cold turkey," as the adage goes, off of caffeine. I believe I calculated I was ingesting well over 2,000 mg a day.
Bagels: yeah, we first talked about your caffeine
Dream: I started to experience a series maladies that wrought devastation on my social and professional life. I had to sleep in until 4:00 pm and couldn't manage to fall back asleep until well past 4:00 am.
Bagels: day-night reversal!
Dream: I had increased motility of my colon, and I often awoke to spasms of my abdomen. I'd have flashes of "doom" what you often hear in patients experiencing myocardial infarctions. The world would seem to be absolutely despondent. I'd quickly go from being elated to depressed. Dream: And vice versa.
Bagels: wow
Dream: I recall there being a struggle just to brush my teeth.
I wouldn't be hungry for a majority of the day. The sun would then recede, and I'd be ravenous. I called to see my Primary Care Physician and was told I had to wait at least a month.
Bagels: how old were you at the time?
Dream: 21. This wasn't too long ago.
But this wasn't my first encounter with depression.
I had forgotten this incident. When I was around eight, I recall being inside a classroom at the church I normally attended. I was looking through some sort of pamphlet and that feeling of "doom" and utter despondence hit me.
Bagels: wow
Dream: I should have mentioned this earlier, but my biological father was said to be afflicted with schizophrenia. He denied paternal relations and a DNA test was never conducted.
Bagels: hmm
Dream: But with both biological parents having a history of psychosis, I can see why I may be experiencing maladies.
Bagels: yeah, sure
Dream: There is a correlation, yes? I've been wondering. I only assumed.
Bagels: absolutely
Dream: I managed to sneak in an appointment and was prescribed Lexapro after a blood diagnostic was run. My physician didn't notice any abnormalities and felt I, physically, was fine.
Bagels: ok...
Dream: So I took Lexapro for several months.
Within a couple weeks, I felt much better.
What I ultimately found was I was aberrantly drowsy no matter how much sleep I obtained nor the time.
I've heard the side effects can vary and I've read of variances in the Depression thread.
And, yes, that thread which felt like it wasn't of any use to me suddenly became very important.
I saw some wonderful things. People with a common interest reaching out for a hand and receiving it. Sifting through the heartrending and resonant stories proved to help immensely. I realized I wasn't alone. I learned with due regard to people such as yourself, that it is possible to function and succeed. Having a mood disorder didn't mean I had to be locked away or tucked away in bed for a perennial amount of time or be shunned.
Bagels: (tears of joy)
Dream: With my physician's guidance, I weaned myself off of the Lexapro. I recommend anyone who starts to take it not just abruptly stop. Even if you don't think it's working slowly spread some time out between doses. Don't be afraid to consult a physician.
Dream: Oh, the anecdote about the judge! My adoptive mother took me to the judge that ordered for the abortion. I don't know how they ultimately reacted, but she wanted them to see me. I found her gumption to be intrepid.
Bagels: haha
Dream: When I reveal this story to people, I'm often asked "What does it feel like to be adopted?" and "Do you want to meet them [your 'real' parents]?"
Bagels: I'd imagine
Dream: It doesn't feel any different. My parents never hid it from me. And they haven't treated me any differently. I do have one raucous person in the family that feels the need to bring it up in a stilted, awkward manner at EVERY. SINGLE. FAMILY. GATHERING.
Bagels: helpful!
Dream: This person even insisted my mother would have loved me more had she actually had me. Ah, well, it's family.
I do have the option to meet my biological mother. But I have my own reservations about it.
I'd be curious to hear if others, if placed in my situation, would be willing to initiate a meeting.
I'm sorry, I feel like I've been loquacious as opposed to the taciturn approach I much prefer.
Bagels: nah, this is fascinating!
Dream: Well, hey, I'm elated to hear you think so.
Bagels: haha
Dream: I waited a great deal of time to tell my significant other about it. It's just not something you want to suddenly unload on someone.
Bagels: Ah! So you have an SO! (in journalism, we call this nailing em)
Dream: You caught me! I do. I've dated her for nearly two years, now. She attends... Well, it's a prestigious university and I'd rather not give any more details about that. She's been perceptive and supportive. She's more high-strung and sprightly, and I'm more taciturn and laid back. We coalesce by balancing each other out.
Bagels: we've talked about this!
Bagels: I assume she knows about your birth mother?
Dream: Yes. I showed her one of the archived clippings one day.
Bagels: what was her response?
Dream: She burst into tears and needed consolation from her sibling.
(As an aside, she's proactively pro-choice. This put her in a unique moral quandary).
Bagels: haha
So you had done the Lexapro, did you do other things for your mental health?
Dream: I returned to the gym with vigor. I focused more on my writing. I became more transparent with close friends about what had occurred, and learned they too shared similar experiences.
Bagels: What do you recommend for other people with depression?
Dream: I recommend viewing two videos. One:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=cKiAz6ndUbU . Two:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=iG9CE55wbtY .
One this helped me understand that I wasn't alone. That it's possible to function. I also understood it wasn't something I could control.
Two this helped me see that one's life isn't set in stone. Success is a journey, not a destination.
Bagels: What can people do to help friends or family with depression?
Dream: What I would recommend is summoning the courage and perseverance to seek help. To know there is a problem and try to find solutions. I wish there was one, end all cure. I wish we could just absolve everyone of this because it's genuinely awful. I wouldn't want anyone to experience it. During one of your interviews, something struck a chord with me. "We just want to get you to be yourself." When you're afflicted by this, you feel like you're a copy of a copy of a copy of a copy, ad infinitum. The desperation and anguish comes from just wanting to be you.
Bagels: So you don't post in the depression thread much (have you ever posted?)
Can you say more about what helps/doesn't help to see there?
Feel free to just compliment me...
Dream: As for those who aren't experiencing it, but know of those with it, don't allow your preconceived notions to sway your opinion of those with the illness. You don't genuinely know what's it like until you experience it. I've a good friend who attempted to kill himself with a firearm and self-afflicted wounds. He was found before it was too late and put into a good facility. He's much better, now, but I had a hard time understanding why he'd do such a thing. With this experience, I'm more perceptive.
I haven't posted in the Depression thread. I suppose I feel the pressures of having hundreds of eyes staring at what I write in a thread that's somber and purposeful.
This would be why I am so complimentary of your work. You have the valor to head in and face the problems, and offer rational first steps something that I think many would never receive on their own.
Bagels Ego: TELL ME MORE
Bagels:
Bagels: Those videos are both great
Dream: As far as what I think helps and doesn't help the "COWBOY UP AND DROP THE COWARDICE" NeoGAF folks serve no purpose. Telling someone to ignore an ailment has no efficacy. I recall seeing an astute comic that showed a character with his hand smashed to a pulp. He wanders from panel to panel, desperately seeking advice. "Just get over it. It's just your hand." "Yeah, it doesn't look that bad." "Just feel better. Your hand will grow back." The last panel shows the character sunk into an apathetic state as "friend" rambles on. "I remember one time I had an in-grown hair and it was painful, so I know exactly what you're going through. Just get over it."
Bagels: lmao
Dream: People think depression is analogous to being weak, and that simply is not the case. Plenty of people we'd associate with staunch, courageous archetypes have suffered from mental health disorders.
Bagels: You've heard of the bio-psycho-social model? How does your trouble fit in that framework?
Dream: I haven't, unless I know if not by its name, but by its definition. Could you elaborate for me?
