Best exchanges in film/tv/novel history

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Devolution said:
Closer was shit. Melodramatic nonsense with pithy lines.
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Accusing Closer of being melodramatic and criticizing the writing as being pithy is ridiculous. Closer is played pretty straight within the context of things. Do you know what melodrama is? Have you even seen Closer?
 
jetjevons said:
Surprised this took so long. Amazing scene, and just makes me sad about Tony Scott all over again.

Other Tony Scott classic confrontation: Denzel and Hackman at the end of Crimson Tide.
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The middle of Crimson Tide, too. In fact, I consider it the single best scene Tony Scott ever directed. Out of all the crazy fucking action he ever did, this one scene I could watch a million times and never get tired of it.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=W-k3U3qiqjI

"NOW, Cobb!"
 
Gouda Jouji said:
I really liked the final part of Person of Interest S01E4:

gHMSk.jpg
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Came to post this. Amazing episode.
 
The billiard room conversation between Bill and Ziegler in Eyes Wide Shut.

The Thing:

MacReady: What do we do?
Childs: Why don't we just wait here for a while... see what happens.
 
FatboyRoberts said:
"Look up idiot in the dictionary, you know what you'll find?"
"...uhh, a picture of me?"
"No, a definition of the word idiot, which you FUCKING are."

This entire MOVIE is nothing but a series of fucking beautiful exchanges.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=QcI-2sTCvDY
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YES.

I really don't want to post the one that comes immediately to mind because it would spoil one of the best parts of the film, but anyone who saw the film should know what I'm talking about:

"Eight percent? Eight?! Who taught you math?!"
 
Not really much of an exchange as it is a one-sided speech, but this scene in Network is amazing.

Arthur Jensen: You have meddled with the primal forces of nature, Mr. Beale, and I won't have it! Is that clear? You think you've merely stopped a business deal. That is not the case! The Arabs have taken billions of dollars out of this country, and now they must put it back! It is ebb and flow, tidal gravity! It is ecological balance! You are an old man who thinks in terms of nations and peoples. There are no nations. There are no peoples. There are no Russians. There are no Arabs. There are no third worlds. There is no West. There is only one holistic system of systems, one vast and immane, interwoven, interacting, multivariate, multinational dominion of dollars. Petro-dollars, electro-dollars, multi-dollars, reichmarks, rins, rubles, pounds, and shekels. It is the international system of currency which determines the totality of life on this planet. That is the natural order of things today. That is the atomic and subatomic and galactic structure of things today! And YOU have meddled with the primal forces of nature, and YOU... WILL... ATONE! Am I getting through to you, Mr. Beale? You get up on your little twenty-one inch screen and howl about America and democracy. There is no America. There is no democracy. There is only IBM, and ITT, and AT&T, and DuPont, Dow, Union Carbide, and Exxon. Those are the nations of the world today. What do you think the Russians talk about in their councils of state, Karl Marx? They get out their linear programming charts, statistical decision theories, minimax solutions, and compute the price-cost probabilities of their transactions and investments, just like we do. We no longer live in a world of nations and ideologies, Mr. Beale. The world is a college of corporations, inexorably determined by the immutable bylaws of business. The world is a business, Mr. Beale. It has been since man crawled out of the slime. And our children will live, Mr. Beale, to see that... perfect world... in which there's no war or famine, oppression or brutality. One vast and ecumenical holding company, for whom all men will work to serve a common profit, in which all men will hold a share of stock. All necessities provided, all anxieties tranquilized, all boredom amused. And I have chosen you, Mr. Beale, to preach this evangel.

Howard Beale: Why me?

Arthur Jensen: Because you're on television, dummy. Sixty million people watch you every night of the week, Monday through Friday.

Howard Beale: I have seen the face of God.

Arthur Jensen: You just might be right, Mr. Beale.
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http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=zI5hrcwU7Dk
 
Lawrence of Arabia at the well.

He is dead.

Yes.

Why?

This my well.

I have drunk from it.

You are welcome.

He was my friend.

- That?

- Yes, that.

- This pistol yours?

- No, his.

His?

Mine.

Then I will use it.

Your friend...

...was a Hazimi of the Beni Salem.

I know.

I am Ali ibn el Kharish.

I have heard of you.

So...

...what was a Hazimi doing here?

He was taking me to help

Prince Feisal.

- You've been sent from Cairo.

- Yes.

I have been in Cairo for my schooling.

I can both read and write.

My Lord Feisal already has an Englishman.

What is your name?

My name is for my friends.

None of my friends is a murderer.

You are angry, English.

He was nothing.

The well is everything.


The Hazimi may not drink at our wells. He knew that.

Salaam.

Sherif Ali.

So long as the Arabs fight tribe against tribe...

...so long will they be a little people...

...a silly people.

Greedy, barbarous and cruel, as you are.

Come.

I will take you to Feisal.

I do not want your company, sherif.


You will not find it, and you will die.

I will find it with this.

Good army compass.

How if I take it?

Then you would be a thief.

Have you no fear, English?

My fear is my concern.

Truly.

God be with you, English.
 
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The "I shot Marvin in the face" car scene from Pulp fiction. Or perhaps the end scene in the Diner, or perhaps the foot massage conversation. The movie is loaded with great exchanges.
 
Sub_Level said:
I remember thinking it would've been cooler if he said

"So, you came back to die with your city"

"No. I came back to kill with it."
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It would have been better if he said nothing. That line was a total fucking groaner. He should have just fucking started hitting Bane.

It's certainly no "Then you're gonna love me," but Nolan's never been all that interested in putting decent dialog in Batman's mushy mouth. His movies are more about the city itself than the man "protecting" it.
 
Love this exchange in Seven Psychopaths.

"Put your hands up."
"No.
"But I've got a gun."
"I don't care."
"That doesn't make any sense."
"Too bad."
 
ST DS9

Quark: I want you to try something. It's an Earth drink. Root beer.
Garak: I couldn't...
Quark: Go on.
Garak: It's vile!
Quark: It's so happy and bubbly and cloy.
Garak: Just like the Federation.
Quark: You know what's worse? If you drink enough of it, you start to like it.
Garak: It's insidious.
Quark: Just like the Federation.
 
Mad Men - The Suitcase

"I give you money, you give me ideas."
"You never say thank you!"
"That's what the money is for!"
 
FatboyRoberts said:
"Where do these stairs go?"
"... They go up."

"Are you a God?"
"Well...no?"
"Then DIE."
"Ray. The next time, someone asks you, if you are a god? You say YES."

"This meal represents the last of the petty cash."
"Slow down. Chew your food."

"Things were going fine, until Dickless here shut down the containment grid."
"They caused an explosion!"
"Is this true?"
"Yes, it's true. This man has no dick."
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http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=sEbSABWJiJc
 
Game of Thrones,
where Robert and Sersi are are discussing how cold and detached their relationship has been.
I forget the line that preceeds it, but the conversation closes with a killer exchange:

Robert: Does that make you feel better or worse?

Sersi: It doesn't make me feel anything.

I love that scene, it's just perfect.
 
Shakespeare - Macbeth
MASH
Marx Brothers
Groucho vs. Jack Benny
Jack Benny vs. Humphrey Bogart
Abbott and Costello
Laurel and Hardy

Once Upon A Time In The West

Frank: Morton once told me I could never be like him. Now I understand why. Wouldn't have bothered him, knowing you were around somewhere alive.
Harmonica: So, you found out you're not a businessman after all.
Frank: Just a man.
Harmonica: An ancient race. Other Mortons will be along, and they'll kill it off.
Frank: The future don't matter to us. Nothing matters now - not the land, not the money, not the woman. I came here to see you. 'Cause I know that now, you'll tell me what you're after.
Harmonica: ...Only at the point of dyin'.

Raiders of the Lost Ark

Indiana: Belloq.
Belloq: Good afternoon, Doctor Jones.
Indiana: I oughta kill you right now.
Belloq: Not a very private place for a murder.

Belloq: You and I are very much alike. Archeology is our religion, yet we have both fallen from the pure faith. Our methods have not differed as much as you pretend. I am but a shadowy reflection of you. It would take only a nudge to make you like me. To push you out of the light.
Indiana: Now you're getting nasty.

How odd that it should end this way for us after so many stimulating encounters. I almost regret it. Where shall I find a new adversary so close to my own level?
Indiana: Try the local sewer.

Belloq: It's a transmitter, a radio for speaking to God.
Indiana: You want to talk to God? Let's go see him together. I've got nothing better to do.

Planes, Trains, and Automobiles - You Want To Hurt Me? and A Fucking Car?

Neal: You know everything is not an anecdote. You have to discriminate. You choose things that are funny or mildly amusing or interesting. You're a miracle! Your stories have NONE of that. They're not even amusing ACCIDENTALLY! "Honey, I'd like you to meet Del Griffith, he's got some amusing anecdotes for you. Oh and here's a gun so you can blow your brains out. You'll thank me for it." I could tolerate any insurance seminar. For days I could sit there and listen to them go on and on with a big smile on my face. They'd say, "How can you stand it?" I'd say, "'Cause I've been with Del Griffith. I can take ANYTHING." You know what they'd say? They'd say, "I know what you mean. The shower curtain ring guy. Woah." It's like going on a date with a Chatty Cathy doll. I expect you have a little string on your chest, you know, that I pull out and have to snap back. Except I wouldn't pull it out and snap it back - you would. Agh! Agh! Agh! Agh! And by the way, you know, when you're telling these little stories? Here's a good idea - have a POINT. It makes it SO much more interesting for the listener!

Del: You wanna hurt me? Go right ahead if it makes you feel any better. I'm an easy target. Yeah, you're right, I talk too much. I also listen too much. I could be a cold-hearted cynic like you... but I don't like to hurt people's feelings. Well, you think what you want about me; I'm not changing. I like... I like me. My wife likes me. My customers like me. 'Cause I'm the real article. What you see is what you get.

Car Rental Agent: [cheerfully] Welcome to Marathon, may I help you?
Neal: Yes.
Car Rental Agent: How may I help you?
Neal: You can start by wiping that fucking dumb-ass smile off your rosey, fucking, cheeks! And you can give me a fucking automobile: a fucking Datsun, a fucking Toyota, a fucking Mustang, a fucking Buick! Four fucking wheels and a seat!
Car Rental Agent: I really don't care for the way you're speaking to me.
Neal: And I really don't care for the way your company left me in the middle of fucking nowhere with fucking keys to a fucking car that isn't fucking there. And I really didn't care to fucking walk, down a fucking highway, and across a fucking runway to get back here to have you smile in my fucking face. I want a fucking car RIGHT FUCKING NOW!
Car Rental Agent: May I see your rental agreement?
Neal: I threw it away.
Car Rental Agent: Oh boy.
Neal: Oh boy, what?
Car Rental Agent: You're fucked!

As Good As It Gets

Melvin Udall: I've got a really great compliment for you, and it's true.
Carol Connelly: I'm so afraid you're about to say something awful.
Melvin Udall: Don't be pessimistic, it's not your style. Okay, here I go: Clearly, a mistake. I've got this, what - ailment? My doctor, a shrink that I used to go to all the time, he says that in fifty or sixty percent of the cases, a pill really helps. I *hate* pills, very dangerous thing, pills. Hate. I'm using the word "hate" here, about pills. Hate. My compliment is, that night when you came over and told me that you would never... all right, well, you were there, you know what you said. Well, my compliment to you is, the next morning, I started taking the pills.
Carol Connelly: I don't quite get how that's a compliment for me.
Melvin Udall: You make me want to be a better man.
Carol Connelly: ...That's maybe the best compliment of my life.
Melvin Udall: Well, maybe I overshot a little, because I was aiming at just enough to keep you from walking out.

Carol Connelly: Do you have any control over how creepy you allow yourself to get?
Melvin Udall: Yes I do, as a matter of fact. And to prove it, I have not gotten personal, and you have.

Simon Bishop: Thank you, Melvin. You... overwhelm me.
[pauses]
Simon Bishop: I love you.
Melvin Udall: I tell you, buddy... I'd be the luckiest guy alive if that did it for me.

Receptionist: I can't resist! You usually move through here so quickly and I just have so many questions I want to ask you. You have no idea what your work means to me.
Melvin Udall: What does it mean to you?
Receptionist: [stands up] When somebody out there knows what it's like...
[place one hand on her forehead and the other over her heart]
Receptionist: ... to be in here.
Melvin Udall: Oh God, this is like a nightmare.
[Turns around and presses the elevator button multiple times]
Receptionist: Oh come on! Just a couple of questions. How hard is that?
[Scampers up to Melvin]
Receptionist: How do you write women so well?
Melvin Udall: I think of a man, and I take away reason and accountability.

The Bellboy

[up to this point the main character never speaks]
Mr. Novak: You're a troublemaker! An instigator! A picketplugger! Yes you are! Stop shaking your head! What's the matter with you? Can't you talk!?
Stanley: Certainly I can talk. I suspect I can talk as well as any other man, Mr. Novak.
Mr. Novak: In that case, how is it that we never heard you talk before?
Stanley: Because no one ever asked me.

Just a few that contain some of my favorite exchanges of all time.
 
The explanation of how the universe began in The Restaurant at the End of the Universe:
Arthur turned to Ford -- he hadn't quite got this place worked out in his mind.

"Look, surely," he said, "if the Universe is about to end ... don't we go with it?"

Ford gave him a three-Pan-Galactic-Gargle-Blaster look, in other words a rather unsteady one.

"No," he said, "look," he said, ''as soon as you come into this dive you get held in this sort of amazing force-shielded temporal warp thing. I think."

"Oh," said Arthur. He turned his attention back to a bowl of soup he'd managed to get from the waiter to replace his steak.

"Look," said Ford. "I'll show you."

He grabbed at a napkin off the table and fumbled hopelessly with it.

"Look," he said again, "imagine this napkin, right, as the temporal Universe, right? And this spoon as a transductional mode in the matter  curve ... "

It took him a while to say this last part, and Arthur hated to interrupt him.

"That's the spoon I was eating with," he said.

"All right," said Ford, "imagine this spoon" -- he found a small wooden spoon on a tray of relishes -- "this spoon" -- but found it rather tricky to pick up -- "no, better still this fork ..."

"Hey, would you let go of my fork?" snapped Zaphod.

"All right," said Ford, "all right, all right. Why don't we say ... why don't we say that this wineglass is the temporal Universe ..."

"What, the one you've just knocked on the floor?"

"Did I do that?"

"Yes."

"All right," said Ford, "forget that. I mean ...I mean, look, do you know -- do you know how the Universe actually began for a kick off?"

"Probably not," said Arthur, who wished he'd never embarked on any of this.

"All right," said Ford, "imagine this. Right. You get this bath. Right. A large round bath. And it's made of ebony."

"Where from?" said Arthur. "Harrods was destroyed by the Vogons."

"Doesn't matter."

"So you keep saying."

"Listen."

"All right."

"You get this bath, see? Imagine you've got this bath. And it's ebony. And it's conical."

"Conical?" said Arthur. "What sort of ..."

"Shhh!" said Ford. "It's conical. So what you do is, you see, you fill it with fine white sand, all right? Or sugar. Fine white sand, and/or sugar.  Anything. Doesn't matter. Sugar's fine. And when it's full, you pull the  plug out ... are you listening?"

"I'm listening."

"You pull the plug out, and it all just twirls away, twirls away you see, out of the plughole."

"I see."

"You don't see. You don't see at all. I haven't got to the clever bit yet. You want to hear the clever bit?"

"Tell me the clever bit."

"I'll tell you the clever bit."

Ford thought for a moment, trying to remember what the clever bit was.

"The clever bit," he said, "is this. You film it happening."

"Clever," agreed Arthur.

"You get a movie camera, and you film it happening."

"Clever."

"That's not the clever bit. This is the clever bit, I remember now that this is the clever bit. The clever bit is that you then thread the film in the projector ... backward!"

"Backward?"

"Yes. Threading it backward is definitely the clever bit. So then, you just sit and watch it, and everything just appears to spiral upward out of the plughole and fill the bath. See?"

"And that's how the Universe began, is it?" said Arthur.

"No," said Ford, "but it's a marvelous way to relax."

He reached for his wineglass.

"Where's my wineglass?" he said.

"It's on the floor."

"Ah."
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Devolution said:
Closer was shit. Melodramatic nonsense with pithy lines.
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+1

As for the OP, idk. Casablanca's got cute exchanges. And Roy Batty with Deckard.

There was also a dialog from a Japanese movie, Cold Fish, that was kinda interesting. I'll see if I can find the scene.
 
Tony Soprano: [over the phone] It's a bad connection so I'm gonna talk fast! The guy you're looking for is an ex-commando! He killed sixteen Chechen rebels single-handed!

Paulie 'Walnuts' Gualtieri: Get the fuck outta here.

Tony Soprano: Yeah. Nice, huh? He was with the Interior Ministry. Guy's like a Russian green beret. He can not come back and tell this story. You understand?

Paulie Walnuts Gualitieri: I hear ya /hangs up

Paulie walnuts Gualitieri: You're not going to believe this. He killed sixteen Czechoslovakians? Guy was an Interior decorator.

Christopher Moltesante: His house looked like shit.
 
The Crusty Juggler said:
Tony Soprano: [over the phone] It's a bad connection so I'm gonna talk fast! The guy you're looking for is an ex-commando! He killed sixteen Chechen rebels single-handed!

Paulie 'Walnuts' Gualtieri: Get the fuck outta here.

Tony Soprano: Yeah. Nice, huh? He was with the Interior Ministry. Guy's like a Russian green beret. He can not come back and tell this story. You understand?

Paulie Walnuts Gualitieri: I hear ya /hangs up

Paulie walnuts Gualitieri: You're not going to believe this. He killed sixteen Czechoslovakians? Guy was an Interior decorator.

Christopher Moltesante: His house looked like shit.
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: D
 
max%2Band%2Bvincent.BMP
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Vincent: Okay, look, here's the deal. Man, you were gonna drive me around tonight, never be the wiser, but El Gordo got in front of a window, did his high dive, we're into Plan B. Still breathing? Now we gotta make the best of it, improvise, adapt to the environment, Darwin, shit happens, I Ching, whatever man, we gotta roll with it.

Max: I Ching? What are you talking about, man? You threw a man out of a window.

Vincent: I didn't throw him. He *fell*

Max: Well what did he do to you?

Vincent: What?

Max: What did he do to *you*?

Vincent: Nothing. I only met him tonight.

Max: You just met him once and you killed him like that?

Vincent: What? I should only kill people after I get to know them?
 
Some that come to mind from movies:
Johnny Boy and Charlie from Mean Streets
Shinebox from Goodfellas
Sam the Lion's monologue from Last Picture Show
Uncle Charlie's rant from Shadow of a Doubt (a little short here)
All time favourite: Jimmy Stewart from Harvey

couldn't find:
The Shining, scene at the bar with Jack and Lloyd the bartender (it's on youtube but some fool added music to it)
Taxi Driver, Travis meets Sport the pimp

Charles Foster Kane said:
There are many, this one came to mind (whole scene is great).

this one too from the same movie
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Was going to post this too. The whole Mia / Vincent act is so good. Pulp Fiction's stand out part in my opinion.
 
The Crusty Juggler said:
Tony Soprano: [over the phone] It's a bad connection so I'm gonna talk fast! The guy you're looking for is an ex-commando! He killed sixteen Chechen rebels single-handed!

Paulie 'Walnuts' Gualtieri: Get the fuck outta here.

Tony Soprano: Yeah. Nice, huh? He was with the Interior Ministry. Guy's like a Russian green beret. He can not come back and tell this story. You understand?

Paulie Walnuts Gualitieri: I hear ya /hangs up

Paulie walnuts Gualitieri: You're not going to believe this. He killed sixteen Czechoslovakians? Guy was an Interior decorator.

Christopher Moltesante: His house looked like shit.
Click to expand...
I like the Christopher one, where he's explaining how he came up with ideas for his screenplay.

"I dunno, however people come up with stuff. Issac Newton invented gravity because some asshole hit him with an apple."
 
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