We actually conducted this interview twice, but we had to split it off in the middle the first time, and I got distracted by other stuff, so we decided to start fresh. Youll see that history is indeed inevitable, as we found ourselves unexpectedly unable to resist making the same jokes the second time through.
This story involves the aftermath of traumatic events and the near-universal existential crisis brought about upon by university graduation.
Bagels: Did you want an alias? I forget?
Bagels: [REAL NAME] is just too damn good. It will make the name Bagels look stupid, if you can imagine that.
Special Guest: shelby427 would do
Bagels: i remember that!
Bagels: because of the car?
shelby427 : exactly, love this car, it's a beauty and the sound...perfect!
Bagels: but you're Swiss!
shelby427 : yes I am
Bagels: where do you see Shelbys?
shelby427 : I saw it at a classic car show one day, many years ago
Bagels: So how old are you, what do you do?
shelby427 : I'm 31 years old (last time I wrote 30, don't know why really), trying to finish my studies.
Bagels: studying what?
shelby427 : Economics
Bagels: the dismal science
Bagels: I said that last time, too
shelby427 : lol exactly!
Bagels: macro, micro, or some other kind?
shelby427 : a little bit of everything, management, accounting, marketing and some macro/micro stuff too.
Bagels: what do you hope to do with that?
shelby427 : Get a job, lol, maybe in an insurance company, bank or whatever I'll find. Beggars can't be choosers.
Bagels: so tell us from the developed world what it's like living in exotic Switzerland!
shelby427 : Switzerland is an awesome country, love the mountains, good stable political system, thriving economy and we have our own language "swiss-german"!
Bagels: How are the ladies?
shelby427 : (/edit) I APPRECIATE THEM GREATLY AND RESPECT THEM IMMENSELY.
Bagels: hahahaha
Bagels: do you want that left in the interview? lol
shelby427 : maybe not ;-p
Bagels: good thinking! Ill rewrite that for you,
Bagels: So how about favorite games. I'm going to guess you really like Dark Souls!
shelby427 : That's true, how did you guess? Okami, Gran Turismo, Flower, Monkey Island 1 and 2, Journey...Mirror's Edge and many more
Bagels: Those are all GREAT GAMES
shelby427 : Indeed
Bagels: leT'S GO AHEAD AND HAVE YOU TELL US YOUR STORY, BEGINNING WEREVER YOU'D LIKE.
Bagels: oops
shelby427 : At the end of our equivalent of the US high school, a good friend of mine got beaten within an inch of his life by his own brother during some kind of psychotic outburst. He survived it, but his skull got fractured and his brain took some damage. His intellect and personality suffered from it.
shelby427 : We both went to Uni together and took the same courses, I helped him as much as I could, gave him all my notes, explained stuff to him, answered him on the phone, via E-Mail etc. He had a hard time keeping up, but he did quite well considering the circumstances
shelby427 : When I picked up my grades at the end of the first year, I couldn't believe what the secretary told me: "There he is, our best student!" It's a small university, we were around 150 students following the same branch (Economic Sciences) in the 1st year, but still, that was some major news to me! I wasn't thrilled about the topics, I chose this field because I thought it'd give me the most opportunity for a job later. But my grades confirmed me in my choice.
Bagels: *applause*
shelby427 : Thanks, but that was just a temporary state. Fast forward 2 years, my best friend (who isn't the guy I talked about just now, but he studied the same as we did too) committed suicide with his army assault rifle, one mile away from my place. When I say best friend, I really mean it. He was the one guy I could talk to about EVERYTHING without fear of being judged, belittled or not taken seriously. He was a fun nice guy, a little eccentric, always smiling. Whenever I talked to him on the phone or when we were hiking, playing videogames or whatever, I just felt happy.
Bagels: was it completely out of the blue?
shelby427 : Yes it was for me and his family and everybody who knew him. To this day I don't know why he did it.
Bagels: I'm really sorry
Bagels: even with forewarning, there's really no way to soften the blow
shelby427 : Guess so.
Bagels: so how long has it been?
shelby427 : well, almost exactly 9 years.
Bagels: want to paste the coffin part in? I thought those two passages were great.
shelby427 : At the funeral, the coffin was closed, I didn't have the chance to see him one last time to bid him farewell properly. I and his family never knew WHY he did it. His parents and his brother, whom I knew well, were devastated. They loved him and always cared for him. Seeing, hearing and feeling first hand what a suicide can do to family and friends, it's excruciating...it's just something you can't fully grasp unless you lived through it.
I thought the best I could do was just to go on with my life and focus on my studies, I didn't realize back then how much this event would slowly eat me out from the inside. The first exam I took after the tragedy was the worst grade I ever got during my entire school time, I took it again 6 months later and managed to pass it, if I hadn't, my studies would've ended right there.
So it went on, my grades were pretty good, but I could only do 1-2 exams in one session, just wasn't able to handle more any longer. By the time I passed all exams, I was on my way to an "insigni cum laude" Master degree. It'd have taken me 1-2 years more than the average, if my depression had not taken the upper hand before my diploma thesis. I was like paralyzed every time I tried working on it, sometimes I didn't do a thing for several days, then for weeks and months. I tried to change the subject, didn't really get any better, years (!) passed like that until University told me, that I'd be running out of time soon. I tried to get a subject I was really interested in, got something close enough, but I had to wait several months until I could even begin working on it, because of a waiting list.
Bagels: hmmmm
shelby427 : Well it was too late for me, my Master degree was gone, now I could only hope to get a Bachelor degree (because when I started Uni we didn't have the Bachelor/Master system, it was just one Master equivalent Diploma, so I didn't have to get a Bachelor to be able to get a Diploma/Master degree). My motivation was down the drain, all these wasted years, vanished like in a cruel magic trick, and my depression grew deeper everyday. Oh, do I even have to mention that I never had a girlfriend? It's not that I wouldn't like to, there's so much love hidden deep inside me, somewhere, that i'd like to share with a woman, but I'm not even dreaming about it anymore.
Bagels: wow
Bagels: so this is a real downward spiral?
shelby427 : it is, don't know when it'll stop though, was hoping that getting my Master and later a job would do the trick, but that's gone too now.
Bagels: so things ended with the uni?
shelby427 : Yes, now I'm 31 years old, have 3 months left to write one line for my Bachelor thesis, a hole the size of the US debt in my CV, living in anxiety, can't even look my parents and friends in the eyes anymore, because I'm ashamed and full of hate for myself. Don't like meeting people, seeing old friends or family gatherings, because sooner or later they'll want to know how I'm doing at Uni, or if I have found a job etc., nobody knows about all of this, so I just keep lying to everybody, hating myself while doing it.
Bagels: We talked about taking the Bachelors and continuing on to a Masters...
shelby427 : yes, it is a possibility, but even if I'd get my Bachelor, which really isn't that probable anymore, I'd have to take all Master courses again. So it'd mean 2-3 years more of this torture I am living in right now.
Bagels: ugh
Bagels: Do you have a plan?
shelby427 : Not really no, trying to work on my Bachelor thesis, maybe begging for some more time, lol.
Bagels: yikes
Bagels: So mental health issues have hurt your education. Does it work the other way, too? Do these problems make you depressed?
shelby427 : Yes definitely, both are just feeding each other, like some kind of symbiotic beasts.
Bagels: are you getting help? What is the mental health system like in Switzerland?
shelby427 : No, not yet. Tried to bargain with Uni to let me continue my Master thesis if I followed some counseling, but they refused, so I never went there. 10 sessions would be free of charge for students, after that you'll have to pay.
Bagels: hmmm
shelby427 : There is health care insurance, but you have to pay the first 2500.- in my case by yourself.
Bagels: ugh
Bagels: What are your symptoms like?
shelby427 : Lost interest in almost everything. Can't motivate myself for the tiniest things, social anxiety (is that a symptom at all?), have dark thoughts all the time,
Bagels: anxiety and depression tend to run together. Anything make any of it better?
shelby427 : Just trying to keep my mind occupied, playing some games when I manage to do it, watching some good movies. Back in the days I loved photography, it was my true passion, want to pick that up again, hiking is good too. And Swiss chocolate
Bagels: haha
Bagels: ever taken a PHQ9?
shelby427 : Don't think so, because I don't know what it is, some kind of test I guess?
Bagels:
http://www.integration.samhsa.gov/images/res/PHQ - Questions.pdf
Bagels: grade the various symptoms over the past two weeks and add up the numbers
shelby427 : uuhh I feel I could get some good grades at this test, the one with most points wins right?
Bagels: haha
Bagels: ummm...right
shelby427 : thanks for the link, I'll look into it.
Bagels: it's real quick
Bagels: you can do it later, if you'd prefer
Bagels: So, standard question - what do you think of the depression thread? What is helpful? What is less helpful? What would you like to see?
shelby427 : Well, I think it can be very helpful, to read about other people having similar problems. It makes me feel a little bit less alone and allows people to talk about it with understanding folks. Because in real life, it's just such a taboo, not many talk openly about their psychological problems, let alone depression.
Bagels: I feel like you've told a fairly nicely condensed story. Is there anything we're missing?
shelby427 : I think the interviews are very helpful, cause you learn more about the person and the affliction than in the small posts.
Bagels: I'll just insert a part here about how great I am
shelby427 : that's ok with me
Bagels: haha
shelby427 : I've got a small joke for the finale, wanna hear it?
Bagels: Any advice for others suffering from depression?
shelby427 : Talk about it as soon as possible, don't let it wreck havoc to your life and if necessary get professional help. Yes I'm a hypocrite.
Bagels: ooh! Let's go with the joke!
shelby427 : I'm not good at giving advice, not yet, maybe when I've managed to get out of my hole.
shelby427 : Ok here we go:
shelby427 : I'm translating from memory, french into english...Do you know how to differentiate depression from burnout?
Bagels: non
shelby427 : Burnout is only for those who earn more than 7'000 bucks!
Bagels: hmmm
Bagels: Maybe that was better in the original French
shelby427 : I'm not good at telling jokes
Bagels: me neither, honestly
Bagels: that's not my style of humor
Bagels: Here's my attempt
Bagels: My grandfather's favorite joke:
Bagels: So this guy goes to his psychiatrist and says, "doc! You've got to help me! I love pancakes!"
Bagels: So the doctor says, "That's not at all unusual. Plenty of people like pancakes."
Bagels: But the patient insists, "doc, I really LOVE pancakes!"
Bagels: The doctor says, "This isn't a problem! I love pancakes, too!"
Bagels: The patient says, "You do? Well you should come back to my place; I've got trunks full of them!"
shelby427 : have to admit, I don't get it ;(
Bagels: the man has thousands of pancakes in his house!
Bagels: isn't that weird?
shelby427 : It is, but if he likes them!
(this is apparently normal in Switzerland. I apologize for the insensitivity of my joke.)
Bagels: Thanks you for sharing your time and your story!
shelby427 : ok thanks for your patience!
shelby427 : I'll read you on NeoGAF, maybe one day I'll even contribute more in the depression thread.
Bagels: no problem! It was nice talking to you! I hope things start getting better! Keep in touch - we have some similar stories.
shelby427 : I will, hope I'll be able to give you some good news
Bagels: I hope you'll one day talk about surviving the suicide of a loved one.
)
