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[MeowthMan]

Thought other GAF ppl might get a laugh out of it...

http://www.angry-gamer.net

There are lots of sites about video games on the Interwebs. Most of them are just ways for people who have no talents besides playing video games and drinking can delay the inevitable fate of having to move out of their parent’s basement and getting a real job. Anyway, the thing that makes angry-gamer.net different is that we’re not afraid to admit the one basic truth that no other gaming publication can: most video games suck. Let’s be honest: most games aren’t even worth the price of a blank DVD, let alone the stupid price that we’re asked to pay at retail simply so everyone involved can pay for their cocaine-filled prostitutes. There’s far too many nice gaming sites out there that suck up to the publishers, developers and PR stooges in order to stay on their good sides, instead of telling it like it is. Most video games aren’t worth your money, let alone your time.

That’s why we’re angry.

So here’s what we do: we play some games, we drink a lot, and we bitch and moan about this rat-infested, incenstual business known as the video game industry. Along there’s some laughs to be had along the way. At any rate, it gives us a cheap excuse to draw some comics and put up the occasional picture of Scarlett Johannson for no apparent reason.

*fap*

Thank God this doesn’t use the microphone in any discernable way. It’s not the public awkwardness that’s the problem, it’s the fact that in a year my DS is going to have enough sprayed saliva in it to hydrate a small African village. I’m surprised my DS hasn’t short circuited yet.

When people think about Final Fight, they usually think of the same things: Mayor Haggar’s spinning attacks, Jessica’s boobs spilling out of her dress in the intro sequence, or pretending not to be attracted to Poison after finding out she was actually a he. I think about Turbo. He wasn’t a character in the game, rather he was an angry aborigine in a wheelchair that always hung around the local video store where Final Fight was housed. He was a bitter, drunken man who loved nothing better than to speed down the street from his caravan park to the video store after driving through the liquor store to pick up the cheapest beer they had. He’d then play through the game from beginning to finish on a handful of credits while yelling at the top of his voice about how there should be a video game with a drunken aborigine in a wheelchair in it.

:lol

This game is crap. Not even crap in a “I’m an ignorant modern gamer who thinks retro gaming is digging up Final Fantasy VII on the Sony” kind of way, but a genuine level of crapness that few games have ever managed to achieve. It was crap when it was released and it’ll be at least 25 years until it’ll be cool to play in a retro kitsch setting. How and why Capcom dig this up is a mystery. You can only fire in one direction, you die with one hit and the 3rd level boss is a ninja. A ninja. Spider-Man appearing in Shinobi made more sense. Angry Gamer rating: The woman who hosts The Biggest Loser/10

Best rating system ever.

Let’s take a moment to pay homage to the homing missile. It’s the Michael Clarke Duncan of the video gaming world: it seems to be in every thing these days and kicks ass when it appears. When you get the homing missile you can just sit back and laugh as everything around you blows up real good. It’s like being in Al Qaeda without having to be in those poorly made training videos. I mean seriously folks, buy a tripod at least. Where was I. Oh yeah. Homing missiles are Michael Clarke Duncan and everything else is Michael Caine.

4: An adventure game is developed with a healthy budget and is recieved warmly by the gaming public. Ha ha, just kidding. Sam And Max will probably be the best game of 2006 and nobody will care. God really does hate good games.

Did anyone buy that Bone game?

The Monster’s Ball award for Game That Not Only Wasted Your Valuable Time And Money, But Was So Painfully Bad That It Ruined Any Hope You Had For The Future Of Humanity: Final Fight: Streetwise. Nobody’s used the term “Streetwise” since Johnny Depp was on that show about troubled teens that were befriended by undercover police. I think it was called Knight Rider. Capcom demonstrated this at E3 and put it next to the original Final Fight machine, and guess which one had a longer queue? That was a trick question: ther was no queue for Final Fight Streetwise. Not many people know this but most if not all game “journalists” base their opinion of games on what they briefly saw of them during E3, so since we want to be seen as a professional gaming publication we’re going to follow the trend: we haven’t played it, but the game must suck because nobody liked the demo that was made half a year before the final game was released. Wow, this is easy! (''note: We just found out that this game isn't even out yet, but we figured that doesn't stop all the other game sites out there from reviewing it, why not us too)

 

[Seventh Son]

I like them already. Every "controversial" thing is good, if done properly and not just for the sake of it that is.

There is also a "your videogames suck" website , that reviews old and new games but not in your average manner. A wikipedia-style website:

www.yvgs.com

 

[auslander]

Originally Posted by Gun.Smoke Review:

...You can only fire in one direction...

I'm pretty sure that's not true, you could fire in three directions.

 

[FortNinety]

Uh oh, those are some angry gamers all right! I wouldn't want to be their victims anytime soon!

 

[SantaC]

Originally Posted by Gun.Smoke Review:



I'm pretty sure that's not true, you could fire in three directions.

yep.

 

[demi]

 

[Gek54]

or pretending not to be attracted to Poison after finding out she was actually a he.

Say what?

 

[Suikoguy]

Who is running the site, I thought Strap-On pack originated here :lol

 

[madara]

Yawn, more jaded couch critics that should be on prozac.

 

[fennec fox]

Yeah, that's what we need, more geeky cynical humor about video games. I don't get nearly enough of that here.

There is also a "your videogames suck" website , that reviews old and new games but not in your average manner. A wikipedia-style website:

www.yvgs.com

Oh boy, another geeky cynical humor site about video games.

You know, when people post here about how much "videogame journalism" sucks, I can't help but wonder if they want everything written like these two sites instead.

 

[Matlock]

Gazunta owns that domain, hence the GAF connection.

 

[Acosta]

I remember when "new videogame journalism" got attacked to death (and still does).

When "jaded videogame journalism" is going to receive the same treat?

Let’s be honest: most games aren’t even worth the price of a blank DVD

Please..

So here’s what we do: we play some games, we drink a lot, and we bitch and moan about this rat-infested, incenstual business known as the video game industry. Along there’s some laughs to be had along the way. At any rate, it gives us a cheap excuse to draw some comics and put up the occasional picture of Scarlett Johannson for no apparent reason.

So, that is the deal, they play "some" games, drink, and bitch about something they spent time occasionally (between drinking and looking the Scarlet Johanson picture).

Sorry, but I pass. I will take someone describing how emotional can a be a Jedi Outcast multiplayer duel over this, anytime, anywhere.

 

[Matlock]

When "jaded videogame journalism" is going to receive the same treat?

When it's not funny anymore.

 

[UtadaBarkley]

Not funny. Just true a lot of the times. But yes... I'm tired of all these pathetic trends. Journalism sucks on a whole. Everyone copies everyone... and they try to be funny.. but its' just not funny 9/10 times. STFU.

 

[Gazunta]

Whoa, totally missed this thread. I've been in deadline mode for the past 3 weeks and only found it since I was looking for one of my other threads

Yeah, I suck. You know it, I know it, we all know it.

Just a quick point though - anyone who says this is a new trend...well, this site is the spiritual successor to Hotgames.com, which ran from 1997 to 2000 before being bought by some stupid company for way too much money. (It's now some "play card games for prizes!" site, boo hoo) It was the exact same type of "humour" as I want to get into this new site, but without having to do real reviews as well. So...yeah, not funny, and yeah, crap, but nah...not unoriginal. You guys just don't remember the source

*gets back to work*

 

[meppi]

Originally Posted by Gun.Smoke Review:



I'm pretty sure that's not true, you could fire in three directions.

LIES! That should be 5 different ways. ;p

BTW loved the comic at the end.

 

[Ranger X]

I'd like a website from with constructive hate. Guys that point stuff in your face but also argue to it and give solutions. A website that woul also be serious. That would own. imo.

 

[Tiktaalik]

There are much, much, much, much worse NES games than Gun.Smoke.

 

[Gazunta]

I'd like a website from with constructive hate. Guys that point stuff in your face but also argue to it and give solutions. A website that woul also be serious. That would own. imo.

Yeah, that's eventually what I want to have in it, too. There's no point pissing and moaning about problems if you have nothing else to offer. Just a matter of finding something worth giving some constructive hate to.

 

[carlos]

gun.smoke is actually an above average, if not good, game; the music rocks, BTW

shooting is in 3 directions, diagonally right, diag. left , and straight up...

This site reminds me of the old Bill Donohue rantings in his column "the jaded gamer" in ye olde ultra game players mag

 

[Gazunta]

This site reminds me of the old Bill Donohue rantings in his column "the jaded gamer" in ye olde ultra game players mag

For a second I thought you said Phil Donahue. That would have been awesome!

 

[JackFrost2012]

I DEMAND ROYALTIES FOR THE STRAP ON JOKE

 

[sriyantra]

They can't write, aren't funny, and clearly (and unsurprisingly) aren't geting laid. Like we need more of this shit?

What's worse they think Gun.Smoke is no good - when anyone who's bothered to play it properly will know it's actually one of the most challenging and addictive shoot 'em ups every made. In fact, many of the games on Capcom Classics Collection are crap - but this is one of the best, it just takes a bit of patience.

 

[Gazunta]

I DEMAND ROYALTIES FOR THE STRAP ON JOKE

Tell you what, I'll split all the profits I made from it with you 50/50. How's that?

They can't write

My editors and employers agree.

aren't funny

I agree.

and clearly (and unsurprisingly) aren't geting laid.

My wife agrees.

What's worse they think Gun.Smoke is no good - when anyone who's bothered to play it properly will know it's actually one of the most challenging and addictive shoot 'em ups every made. In fact, many of the games on Capcom Classics Collection are crap - but this is one of the best, it just takes a bit of patience.

OK, so it gets better at the 60 hour mark, right? Cool!

Note to mods - I'm caught in a bind here - i want to reply to some of this, but I'm worried this counts as plugging your own site...hmm, ummm...eh?

 

[Vennt]

Easily solved, consider your reply, replied