Anyone here deal with increasingly angry and bitter parents the older they get?

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Days like these...

Have a Blessed Day
I want to preface by saying that I don't believe in astrology but my mother is a Capricorn just like my ex and they are basically the devil incarnate. Controlling, perfectionist, never wrong, not a drop of empathy etc. My mother is in her early 70's and she's always been overly critical under the guise of correcting me but lately even my choice of words will upset her and if I try to reason with her she will have a meltdown. Any advice? Obviously, I can stop visiting her but she'd feel bad
 
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Not my parents, but I find myself getting angry and bitter as I get older. So very angry all the time. I can't stand my career, but I enjoy the money.
 
Days like these... said:
I want to preface by saying that I don't believe in astrology but my mother is a Capricorn just like my ex and they are basically the devil incarnate. Controlling, perfectionist, never wrong, not a drop of empathy etc. My mother is in her early 70's and she's always been overly critical under the guise of correcting me but lately even my choice of words will upset her and if try to reason with her she will have a meltdown. Any advice?
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do you live with her? does your livelihood depends on her? is there a big inheritance that you can get from putting up with her? if the answer to all the above questions are no, then just block her out of your life. if it's yes to any of the questions or you just simply love her as a son, try to just put up with it but spend less time with her if possible. keep in mind I might not be the best person to ask for advise regarding parents since my own relationship with mine is difficult at best.
 
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Robot Carnival said:
do you live with her? does your livelihood depends on her? is there a big inheritance that you can get from putting up with her? if the answer to all the above questions are no, then just block her out of your life. if it's yes to any of the questions or you just simply lover her as a son, try to just put up with it but spend less time with her if possible. keep in mind I might not be the best person to ask for advise regarding parents since my own relationship with mine is difficult at best.
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Don't live with her, no huge inheritance but if I stop visiting her she'll play the victim. I guess visit her less frequently and just make small talk and hope that even that doesn't set her off
 
Opposite for me.

As kids, me and my siblings got our fill of lecturing, nagging, and literal kicks in the ass when we we acted like tards or talked back.

But as we all got older, my parents chilled out. They will always act as parents in a holistic caring way, but the dinner time lectures about school or careers ended long time ago.

As people get old too, there can be mental issues. So there's chance your mom cant really control it even if she wanted to. So just got to tolerate it and not get pissy back. As my uncle told me one time (he's as old as my parents), hey sometimes us old people say stuff. And by the end of it, we dont even remember what we just said to you guys.
 
I love my parents, they are great. Sorry you got dealt a rough hand OP.


My mother in law is an absolute headcase though, thank god she lives in another country. And STILL causes drama from abroad.
 
Days like these... said:
I want to preface by saying that I don't believe in astrology but my mother is a Capricorn just like my ex and they are basically the devil incarnate. Controlling, perfectionist, never wrong, not a drop of empathy etc. My mother is in her early 70's and she's always been overly critical under the guise of correcting me but lately even my choice of words will upset her and if I try to reason with her she will have a meltdown. Any advice? Obviously, I can stop visiting her but she'd feel bad
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Talk to her.

Just start by mentioning youve noticed an uptick in her being overly critical or snappy, and ask if everything is okay. Then just listen without trying to correct her.

You mentioned your choice of words as of late is what triggered her, maybe there is some truth to that?
 
AlphaDump said:
Talk to her.

Just start by mentioning youve noticed an uptick in her being overly critical or snappy, and ask if everything is okay. Then just listen without trying to correct her.

You mentioned your choice of words as of late is what triggered her, maybe there is some truth to that?
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I mentioned my son to her by his name rather than his nickname and she said I was being cold and disrespectful to him. I tried to reason with her and she got furious. I don't think that's it
 
If they have dementia it can manifest itself in anger and frustration as they are unable to think act and do what they use to do.
 
If you've maintained a relationship with her up until now, and she is in her early 70s, it's probably a good idea to keep her happy or at least try not to trigger her. Based on the information you provided there is no ill intent on her behalf, she is your mother at the end of the day, I'd just tolerate her. Be mindful of her dictating your life, as you most likely have done in the past. But if she has been like this for most of your life, you might struggle to change how she treats you. Sorry, this probably isn't all that helpful.
 
My dad got increasingly angry as he got older to the point where both my mom and I felt like we were walking on eggshells all the time. But I later learned that his anger was mostly driven as a misguided coping mechanism for anxiety disorder.

I didn't learn he had anxiety disorders until after he died and I was diagnosed with them as well. He was "greatest gen" and they didn't talk about such things. Having anxiety disorders was a weakness. So he used anger as a means to stop anxiety attacks.


Days like these... said:
my mother is a Capricorn just like my ex and they are basically the devil incarnate
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As a fellow Capricorn I'd just like to say: We're not evil. Just stubborn.

So very, very stubborn.
 
It's a tough time a persons life after they shut down their pro career or start to see the end of the road. They either start to live life for themselves or they have a few issues that need to be worked through.

My Dad had it start on him a bit about 10-15 years ago. His causes were he retired (worked his whole life, work was his identity), got prostate cancer within 2 years, and had his only real friends all die within a few years. He had a tough go.

My response wasn't to withdraw, it was to engage with him more. I brought my kids over more and called him all the time for "advice" and to just shoot the shit. I essentially became his best friend. I got interested in stuff he liked and started to enjoy them. I also got my wife to talk to him and that helped out too. I knew he always wanted girls, but only got boys, so her connection with him made a world of difference too.

He is an amazing grandpa but had some tough spots there too. We found out his hearing was going and that made a huge amount of sense and the hearing aids helped immensely.

My point is that it takes time and real effort to work through this but it is worth it. My Dad and I have never been closer.

It might be harder cross genders though. I have no comments on that.
 


My father and father in-law are great (and mother in-law before she passed), but that age group tends to get these flare ups at times.

Boomers (your mother's generation and my parents) have leaned into this behavior more. I've talked to friends my age and their parents have been showing this short of behavior over the years.

Boomers have always been very entitled. I think now that they're in their golden years and have a constant stream of what is going on with the younger generations, they've become more bitter and cynical then the generation before them (The Silent Generation).

I was raise by my father and grandmother (her being part of The Greatest Generation). I joke and say to people the good in me is only because of my grandmother and father. They were great parents when I was growing up and not judgmental about much. Even now my father is still very laid back. But at times he will get his undies in a twist about one subject or another (social climate things). I then remind him that his grand daughter has to grow up in this world so be mindful for her. That usually makes him stop and think.

Also, just to throw this in here. Go read up how Boomers were in their late teens and early adulthood, it's similar to the way Gen Z are behaving. Gen Z is Boomers 2.0.
 
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Days like these... said:
I want to preface by saying that I don't believe in astrology but my mother is a Capricorn just like my ex and they are basically the devil incarnate. Controlling, perfectionist, never wrong, not a drop of empathy etc. My mother is in her early 70's and she's always been overly critical under the guise of correcting me but lately even my choice of words will upset her and if I try to reason with her she will have a meltdown. Any advice? Obviously, I can stop visiting her but she'd feel bad
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We've got the same mother. Are we secret brothers? No advice becuse mental issues don't care about your logic and reasoning.
 
Days like these... said:
I want to preface by saying that I don't believe in astrology but my mother is a Capricorn just like my ex and they are basically the devil incarnate. Controlling, perfectionist, never wrong, not a drop of empathy etc. My mother is in her early 70's and she's always been overly critical under the guise of correcting me but lately even my choice of words will upset her and if I try to reason with her she will have a meltdown. Any advice? Obviously, I can stop visiting her but she'd feel bad
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I couldn't figure it out so I gave up on my parents. I don't think it was the best decision I could have made though. I live with my decision as best as I can.

Would she feel bad if you stopped visiting her or would you feel guilty for stopping visiting her?
 
My mother has always been a bit controlling and gets stroppy is things aren't done the way she likes them to be done. What I do is mostly go along with it, but if I think that something can be done in a better way, I just do it that way and let her moan about it.

Now, every situation is different, but cutting people off that are dear to you is never a good choice. Try verbally accepting her opinions, but then if you don't agree with them, then just act as you want to and don't bother trying to justify it.
 
Parents aren't the problem .. kids are... lol
There is no real way to punish kids these days and schools keep pumping them full of " it's not your fault ". Something's are their fault .. a lot of things actually.

But think about years and years of bad kids being bad and it's easy to see how parents become bitter in their old age.
 
RoboFu said:
Parents aren't the problem .. kids are... lol
There is no real way to punish kids these days and schools keep pumping them full of " it's not your fault ". Something's are their fault .. a lot of things actually.

But think about years and years of bad kids being bad and it's easy to see how parents become bitter in their old age.
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That's some take. Parents can absolutely be the problem sometimes.
 
I am in a similar situation. It is painful.

Don't cut ties to your parents, it will cause grief and bitterness. Do you have siblings that can relate?

All I can say is: try not to take it personally. She loves all of you, but probably never learned to express it in a good way.
 
Boozeroony said:
I am in a similar situation. It is painful.

Don't cut ties to your parents, it will cause grief and bitterness. Do you have siblings that can relate?

All I can say is: try not to take it personally. She loves all of you, but probably never learned to express it in a good way.
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Yeah they dont visit much anymore. I visit them once a week. I guess I I'll just visit less frequently and only make small talk when I do.
 
I pray your parents improve and treat everyone better.

I'm the complete opposite. I don't think I'm worthy of my parents. All I bring them is disappointment.
 
I literally stopped talking to my parents when they started to hang out with my ex-wife. My mother has no filter and will talk shit about myself and my wife to my ex-wife. It's been a very blissful 2 years. But my mother, I'm sure, has bi-polar disorder and has very manic highs and lows. But she's a huge narcissist and when dealing with her mental gymnastics for as long as I have, I'm happy to be rid of her.
 
Well my mom and i have our issues but she's pretty solid all around. My dad was too before he died. Im seeing a lot of their generation become bitter and angry tho.
 
Every time I see them they ridicule me, i.e 'why do you dress like that, you should start walking more, why do you have two cats' . Just little petty shit.

and then they wonder why I don't go see them more often.

Like, I'm a grown ass man, I'm not changing. It is what it is; just be happy I am around.
 
My parents (early 70's) have gotten really bitter about politics since the 2020 election. It's been a growing issue for my Brother and I where my Dad will randomly go off on some long text thread railing about stuff and encouraging us to "vote the right way". They almost never used to talk about politics when we were kids and would only watch the news for 30 minutes during dinner. These days, it seems like it's become a much bigger part of their lives.

We didn't talk politics at either gathering, but they seemed to be a little more upbeat during the July 4th weekend when they came over. We had them over for dinner last weekend and they seem more down and depressed. :pie_thinking:

When we can keep things focused on the personal, it's all good.
 
RoboFu said:
Parents aren't the problem .. kids are... lol
There is no real way to punish kids these days and schools keep pumping them full of " it's not your fault ". Something's are their fault .. a lot of things actually.

But think about years and years of bad kids being bad and it's easy to see how parents become bitter in their old age.
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The kids are bad when the parents don't raise them right. You dont get to slack off on that job and then complain when the results turn out exactly as expected.
 
Toons said:
The kids are bad when the parents don't raise them right. You dont get to slack off on that job and then complain when the results turn out exactly as expected.
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nah sometimes its just biology. some people get excited more easily or cant sit still or constantly need to talk. there are ways to help but its hard to get it through to KIDS that they need to try harder in some areas when there are other kids without these biological issues. Constant punishment is not always the right answer and can make things worse for some while working well for others.

I personally think one of the big issue parents have is not realizing their children are not THEM.
 
AJUMP23 said:
Maybe you should ask her, don't accuse her, but just ask is she frustrated and why.
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I guess she's just unhappy with how her life turned out. Expectations and hope lead to disappointment imho

"But what is happiness except the simple harmony between a man and the life he leads"

Camus
 
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RoboFu said:
nah sometimes its just biology. some people get excited more easily or cant sit still or constantly need to talk. there are ways to help but its hard to get it through to KIDS that they need to try harder in some areas when there are other kids without these biological issues. Constant punishment is not always the right answer and can make things worse for some while working well for others.
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I never said anything about punishment.

Guiding a child to the right path is not only achieved by punishing them when they take the wrong one. It can also be achieved by educating them on things they arent educated on, being a person and place of refuge that they trust and are willing to open up to about what they are feeling, and prioritizing their needs over your own.

Its not easy, and it will not always be 100% successful, but it can be done.

Most parents especially of past generations were in no position to even be having kids at all, due to their own unaddressed problems being raised by their own parents, or due to having kids simply because it was the societal norm. That always has a domino effect. And that domino effect ends when a potential parent decides either to be a better parent than they were given, or to not be a parent until they know they csn be a good one.

RoboFu said:
I personally think one of the big issue parents have is not realizing their children are not THEM.
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That's definitely an aspect, but a lot if parents also see their own negative qualities reflected back at them in their kids and, because they never addressed them in themselves are not equipped to do so in their kids. I had this happen, and I had pretty good parents overall.

I have no desire for kids myself at this time
 
Do not go gentle into that good night etc. - I fully intend to grumble (rage is probably a bit strong) against the dying of the light

If your mother is the way she is, I would just accept her foibles aren't going to go away and just try not to take things personally (easier said than done with a parent I know). I mean that sounds like a bit of a passive approach, however I don't think a change in personality is on the cards given it sounds like these traits are inherent and shes in her 70s. Ceasing visits would likely end in sadness/guilt from both parties so theres no obvious quick fix alas.
 
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I just find myself spending less and less time around my mother (80) for this reason. I find it mentally unhealthy and emotionally draining. Is what it is, I have my life to look out for too, not just hers.
 
No. My dad died when he was 65 and my mom moved in with my sister and her young children, so she's pretty happy. Mom doesn't spend time looking back at what might have been, which is what makes most old people bitter I think.
 
Days like these... said:
they are basically the devil incarnate. Controlling, perfectionist, never wrong, not a drop of empathy etc.
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I think you just described women in general. 😜

Okay, now that I got that out of my system. I honestly believe I was a worse son than either of my parents deserved. I don't mean that I was terrible and always got into trouble or bad mouthed them. As I got older, and my mom got sicker, I visited less frequently. I mostly blamed life's other obligations but if I am being honest with myself, I absolutely hated seeing her as she got worse (she had pancreatic cancer). I know everyone's circumstances are different but the only advice I can offer is regardless of how bad it seems (obviously there are those few exceptions) it gets worse when they are gone.

I am almost afraid to ask my daughter if I have gotten increasingly angry or bitter. Pretty sure she is going to tell me I have alwasy been an ass. (again, I kid, I might be an ass but it comes from the heart).
 
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