WCW Monday Nitro 6/29/98
DDP and Karl Malone said they'd be here tonight. They hope Hogan and Rodman will show up.
TO THE MEAN GENE. Please welcome MEAN Kevin Greene! Kevin doesn't want to talk about football. He wants to talk about WRASSLIN. He thinks Goldberg is the best wrestler in 30 years.
Kanyon vs Whoreass
The first move Kanyon hits is a spinning fishermen suplex. Lodi distracts him, which allows Horace to knock him over the ropes. Then hits a suicide dive. WHAT. Kanyon almost goes through a stop sign and railing. Whoreass drags Kanyon back into the ring and hits a superplex. Kanyon comes back with a fireman carry Flapjack Norton. Kanyon reverses a lariat with the Flatliner. BANG! The rest of the Flock hit the ring. He handles Lodi and Kidman, but Riggs blindsides him. Raven comes out and hits the Evenflow.
TO THE HELICOPTER. We're following an 18 wheeler on the highway, which Karl Malone is in, because he's such a redneck that he drives a fucking semi around.
Recap of DDP calling in on Thunder to say he and Malone would be at Nitro.
TO THE HELICOPTER. We're still following the semi.
TO THE BACK. nWo Hollywood are getting prepared with everyone getting crowbars and chains. Crush makes a bald joke at Malone's expense, with no hint of irony that Hulk Hogan was in the room. I get that Rodman was doing ads for Rogain at the time, but still.
TO THE MEAN GENE. He brings out Steve Ray. I feel like I'm watching Thunder so far. He's got a problem with that racist PIPSQUEAK Chris Benoit and Mongo. Harlem Heat vs Mongo/Benoit tonight!
Little Dragon vs Eddie Guerrero
Little Dragon is Dragon Kid. Eddie looks under the ring for Chavo. Dragon Kid is so tiny. I mean, Eddie isn't a big guy, but he dwarfs Dragon. Tiltawhirl back breaker. Tope con hello. Brainbustaah. Eddie goes up for the frog splash when Chavo comes out, ridding a hobby horse. Dragon Kid rolls up Eddie. Dragon Kid wins! Eddie chases Chavo to the back.
TO THE BACK. Jericho is trying to convince Ultimo Dragon to beat Dean Malenko tonight so he can take Dean's contendership.
Judo Suwa/Sumo Fuji vs The Giant
Dat Toruymon. Double chokeslam. Well, that wasn't very nice. Perfect and Rude hit the ring after to shit talk those football players. They call Greene out for not being a wrestler and want him to come out. He comes out. So does GOLDBERG! They run the nWo off.
Hogan and Bischoff come out. No Rodman. The pussy. Hulk wanted to be a truck mechanic when he was a kid. He sounds like a pirate tonight. He going to be choking DDP and Malone out and the whole East coast will be able to hear it happen. Karl Malone is going to be shining Hogan's shoes. Um. "I got a problem with DDT and Malone." Well, DDT is pretty dangerous.
TO THE HELICOPTER. Again. Come on.
British Bulldog/Jim Neidhart vs Sting/Lex Luger WCW Tag Team Championships
Nah. Sting pinned Bulldog with the Deathdrop in a match that was like 90% posing.
Saturn vs Reese
Reese is so weird looking. He looks like a super tall dwarf. Lol, he does a press slam from his knees. Saturn gets fired up and hits a super kick to the knee, then a missile drop kick. Lodi gets hit with a super kick and Saturn hits a a DVD on Reese. I think it was more impressive than any FU Cena has done since Saturn is like 5'8''. The Flock attack after the match. Raven hits an Evenflow.
Recap of Kevin Green/Giant getting set up last week and then the match.
TO THE HELICOPTER. STILL. Jesus Christ.
El Vampiro vs Brad Armstrong
WAT? Vampiro? I had no idea he was in WCW in 1998. He isn't wearing any kind of face paint. Brad hits a headlock take down and gloats. Vamp is pasty as fuck. He lands on his feet from a monkey flip, but gets caught in a lariatooo. Vamp comes back with some kicks. Nail in the Coffin for the win.
STILL TO COME. The nWo Late Hour. With a live band and all.
Tokyo Magnum/Shiima vs Disco Inferno/Alex Wright
Most definitely should be a dance off spot this time. Ultimo Dragon was getting PAID tonight if he got to take any of the earnings from his trainees. Lol, Magnum just walks up and starts dancing with these guys. They get mad when he pulls his pants off. Tape goes out for a bit, so I missed some of the match. Alex does a Cesaro styled running European uppercut. CIMA makes a hot tag. Magnum takes it to Disco, but he's no match for these dancing fools. Slingshot Vader Bomb is countered. CIMA hits springboard swanton, kind of. Magnum slips off the ropes trying a rana, but just tries it again. Alex pins CIMA with a hangman's neckbreaker.
EARLIER TODAY. Tenay was doing his tail gate stuff, talking to kids and looking like a creep.
Ultimo Dragon vs Dean Malenko
They should just rename this Toryumon Nitro. Dragon and 5 of his students. I'm pretty sure that is enough to run a small indie show in Japan. They end up in an indie stand off right away. These dudes are so smooth. Dragon starts working over the leg. Dean is the first guy I've seen all year not fall for Dragon's corner headstand. He then dumps Dragon on his head/shoulder with a German suplex. Really awkward in ring Asai moonsault into the Dragon sleeper. Dragon was way off and Dean basically put himself in the hold. Dragon does some wacky ass roll up that confuses me. Tiltawhirl back breaker. Hand spring elbow. Dragon goes for the super rana, but Dean counters it into the super gut buster. He puts Dragon in the Cloverleaf, but Jericho runs out to shit talk. This makes Dean let go and chase him to the back. Dragon wins via countout.
Recap of Arn/Benoit talking the back from Thunder.
Harlem Heat vs Chris Benoit/Steve McMichael
Benoit must be in heaven. TWO black guys to beat on. That racist son of a gun. Stevie and Benoit start out. Stevie Ray puts the boots to that fruit booty. Booker comes in and gets caught in a dragon screw. But fuck that, here comes MONGO! I don't want to see more Book vs Benoit, but I also don't want to see Mongo vs Stevie. I WOULD like to listen to Stevie, Booker, Mongo, and Dusty call a PPV, though. Book and Mongo have a weird flying forearm spot. Bret comes out with a chair and waffles Booker with it. Mongo pins him.
TO THE BACK. Jericho is arguing with Dragon when Dean comes in and knees the shit out of him. He then goes after Dragon and Jericho runs away.
TO THE HELICOPTER. I can't believe that they've been following Karl Malone in a semi with a police escort for 2 and a half hours.
TO THE ERIC BISCHOFF SHOW. Well, I thought this was the nWo Late Hour, but I guess not. It does feature the most generic white guy boogie blues you could imagine. I expect this to be horrible. He's got a copy of the Tonight Show set. Liz is his Ed McMahon. Oh my god. The band leader won't stop talking and he is the worst thing of all time. I can't even describe this. Now it is called nWo Later. So there are 3 names for this show. Scott Steiner is the first guest. "Big Papa Pump's in town and he's ready to pound!" Lol. Now Scott is talking about Rodman and Karl Malone. This is AWFUL. Scott says he'll bring his costar to Nitro next week. This is as bad as anything in 1999 or 2000. I hope there isn't more of this later.
TO THE MEAN GENE. He brings back Booker T. He challenges that "sissified punk" Bret Hart. Stevie comes mad for some reason about Book issuing a challenge. The reason he is mad is because he thinks Book should whoop that ass in the back instead of in the ring. Bret comes out. "You want to ask me a question? Go ahead and AXE me." Bret's jorts are quite long tonight. They look better than his Axl biker shorts from last week. Stevie and Booker get into it over how they want to handle things.
TO THE BACK. Hogan and Bischoff are talking in the back. Hulk is in a bad mood. I must have missed something.
Goldberg vs Glacier WCW US Championship
HOLY FUCK, Glacier got a Michael Buffer intro. There are 15 minutes left, and DDP/Malone haven't made it to the show yet. This is the main event, but in name only. Glacier: Main Event Talent. This is just like all of their other matches together. I want the Goldberg who was doing press slams from the second rope to Saturn or randomly doing backflips.
Hogan and Bischoff come to the ring. Hogan is pissed because he thinks Malone and DDP aren't even going to show up. The truck FINALLY arrives. The nWo were waiting in the parking lot, but run off as soon as they pull in. Not even a fight or anything. DDP and Karl get out of the truck with chairs and go straight to the ring. While wearing matching acid wash jeans. Hogan shoves Bischoff into them. Now "Hogan has no where to go", except for two sides of the ring he's standing in between and could step through at any time. Hogan and Malone hook it up. Body slam! Lariatooo! Hogan bails. DDP's ultra curly pony tail hanging out of his hat is hilarious. They challenge Rodman to be at Nitro next week. DDP is mouthing Malone's promo and Karl makes a dick joke.