Cyanide, I'm only catching up on this now, but I'm going to be completely open and honest with you in response to all the stuff going on with your posts lately.
I hope you understand that I'm doing it because I see a hell of a lot of my teenage-self in you. So much it almost hurts. I've got no problem with you other than issues I've been wrestling over with myself since I was 15 years old. I think you're a good guy, I hope you stay as a part of our community here & I hope you really think about what I'm saying to you & ask yourself why I'm willing to say them.
I was thinking of PMing you instead, but I feel like the point I'm making has a lot more weight if I'm willing to be honest and open about where I'm coming from.
Please read this with an open mind and really have a long think about how it relates to you before you reply.
I hope you also realize that by opening up to you like this on a public forum, I'm also exposing myself to criticism and showing a side of myself that I'm obsessed with hiding from people because, as I suspect much like you probably are, I'm really fucking terrified that if people get to know who I am underneath the conversations I have with them, the banter, the masking jokes and what I actually share with those around me, that they won't like me and they'll reject me. I'm opening up like this because I think it's worth you hearing & I want the best for you - I wish somebody had been so candid with me.
So here's the thing:
I don't believe a fucking word of it.
I don't think you got a blowjob at the Christmas party and I don't think you're involved with all these girls you're supposedly completely in love with. Especially the one you made the thread about.
There's even a part of me that doesn't believe you have a daughter.
These things might have happened, I could be entirely wrong, but even if I am wrong and this is all true, I think it's worth exploring why I would think that it's bullshit.
Let me explain;
I think you're a massive attention-seeker.
As somebody who has been a long history of attention-seeking behaviour and has been struggling with (and learning to accept & deal with) borderline and histrionic personality disorders for a long time, I've told a lot of lies in my time.
I've invented stories, I've dressed up things that have happened to me, twisted facts & just outright bullshitted to people. I did this because I wanted their attention, I wanted them to like me and I wanted them to remember me.
To put us on even ground, here's a pretty big lie I told.
I was feeling sexually inexperienced and inadequate in a relationship (she was much more experienced than me and I was terrified that I wouldn't be able to bring her to orgasm) so I told my new girlfriend-at-the-time about a one night stand I had (read: invented) a few months prior with two dutch girls. The (invented) sex lasted for two hours, they both came multiple times, blah blah blah.
I was so committed to this lie, because I thought it made me sound experienced/interesting/whatever that even when it started to cause the relationship to deteriorate (she was incredibly insecure, so ANY story about an ex would have fucked things up), I stuck to it.
That's really fucking pathetic. I'm incredibly embarrassed about it & utterly ashamed of myself.
I think you're the same - I think you just want people's attention. You don't care if it's positive or negative because either way you're getting something out of it. Attention. You feel special because of it.
That's why you share these stories publicly, that's why you constantly invite criticism and that's why you never leave when you say you're done with it.
You're getting off on this shit. I get it - I get off on that attention too, because in a small way it proves that you matter to somebody, even if just for the time it takes for them to make a snide remark or to call you a shitty father.
Know this, though: You matter to me. I bet you matter to a lot of other people in this thread and in your actual offline-life too.
I really hope you can learn that it's OK to be a face in the crowd, because that's a really fucking awesome crowd. I mean that about this thread & the people in it (and I would struggle to describe just how much these people genuinely matter to me. Yourself included) and also about the people you choose to have in your life. If those people aren't an awesome crowd, then find people who are. You deserve to be around people who you don't need to be fake to matter to. Those decent people deserve to have you in their lives. But you owe the people in your life your honesty.
We all have achievements, problems, things we say & do and all manner of other moments where we're noticed, even if we're not the star of the show. Just because it's not all about you doesn't mean it's not also about you.
This is something that took me years of self-reflection, counselling and a strong support network to figure out. Even then, I'm not entirely there yet.
I privately shared this following thing with Musha, because I think we're pretty close & she's somebody I can open up to without feeling judged. I wasn't planning on sharing it openly, but to (hopefully) help you out, I will. Christ that sounded self-important.
I had an anxiety attack at the last GAF meet. I actually hid in the disgusting toilets at Borderline for what felt like ages. I feel pretty self-conscious about it. It's something that used to happen to me weekly at college & at work when I was at Tesco. Almost always around people. I think my anxiety attacks were caused by feeling judged, by not fitting in with others & feeling like a constant outsider.
It doesn't happen anywhere near as much anymore, but it happens - because I'm not actually there yet. I still think I stick out like a sore thumb.
You just have to learn how to accept who you are, then you can start dealing with your shit honestly, you can start being honest with those around you & hopefully you can stop seeking attention.
Take the first step, man. Be honest with yourself & really think hard about the kind of person you want to be.
