Thank you very much for tagging me- I may have missed this otherwise!
Stories like this absolutely break my heart. The lack of empathy you were shown is horrible, and I am so very sorry you were treated that way.
I know all too well those exact fears - I buried those same worries deep inside out of fear of being bullied worse than I already was...for fear of losing all those who loved me, and because my strong Christian upbringing made me worry if I was an abomination in the eyes of God. It was a different time...and it ensured that not only did I feel like something was wrong with me, but that I was a horrible disgusting person because of what I felt deep inside. I forced myself to live as others expected me to, and eventually not only did I secretly hate my body...I started despising my very
soul and eventually became very depressed, anxious, and suicidal.
I finally decided to transition at age 40 after realizing it would hurt those I love more if I was dead than if I told them the truth and live as a woman. Some were very surprised, others not so much...but I was shown love and compassion where my fears told me I would only find abandonment and exile. Upon medically transitioning, my horrific gender dysphoria mostly disappeared as well as my depression and want for suicide. My relationship with the Lord grew so much stronger...as I realized He knew my deeper feelings and struggles, and He loves me more than I will ever truly understand despite my shortcomings. ❤
(One year into transition, my family and I learned that I was caused prenatal sexual differentiation and birth defects by epigenetic exposure to a drug called
Diethylstilbestrol.)
Anyway, what I'm saying is this...Your feelings of worry are founded in reality and nothing to simply wave away as "transphobic." Transition is a
very difficult and expensive process...and what I would consider a
last resort alternative to suicide. Most transsexuals do not celebrate being trans, and would wish to have been born their ideal sex at birth more than anything. The problem is that the so-called transgender "community" is being overrun with fetishists and/or people who became trans through porn addiction, people who suffer dissociative identity disorder brought on through sexual abuse as a child, and people who feel outcast in a number of ways and latch into the trans umbrella to feel like they belong and may even simply wish to feel special in a way (like "Tucutes" and people who think you don't need gender dysphoria to be trans).
You are who you are, and there is
some reason for that. It's healthy and medically recommended to seek help and search within oneself for answers on "Why do I feel this way?", "What is my best course of action?", and "What will happen if I make these life-changing decisions?" It is insane to think such worries and self-reflections are transphobic.
Please know that you are more than welcome here, and even though I can be poor at responding in a timely manner at times...please know you can message me privately with any questions or if you just want to talk. Thank you so much for sharing, and I wish your only happiness and blessings in your life. I will be praying for you and I'm sending you a big hug! ❤
