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[Gray Matter]

Yes. It portrays confidence and the ability to get shit done, which is an attractive quality.

Also, I avoid answering messages immediately, particularly if they took forever to message me. The PUA rule is to take as long as they did to respond, I believe. There's some sense there - it makes it seem like you're not hanging on their every word and demonstrates that you have a life. No one wants a simp.

So if a girl takes 24+ hours to reply, which happened in my most recently, I should take that same amount of time to reply?

That just sounds childish and immature. I agree that making seem like you're not waiting for them is a good, but I'm not going to purposely not reply just to make a point.

 

[ZackieChan]

So if a girl takes 24+ hours to reply, which happened in my most recently, I should take that same amount of time to reply?

That just sounds childish and immature. I agree that making seem like you're not waiting for them is a good, but I'm not going to purposely not reply just to make a point.

And what's wrong with that?

 

[Gray Matter]

And what's wrong with that?

It's like you're doing it out of spite.

If I replied in the same amount of time that it took her to reply to me, I would never have a conversation with anyone.

 

[ZackieChan]

It's like you're doing it out of spite.

If I replied in the same amount of time that it took her to reply to me, I would never have a conversation with anyone.

So you see the issue is with them, not you.

 

[Gray Matter]

So you see the issue is with them, not you.

Absolutely, I do. I'm just using my most recent situation as example, the girl had 2 jobs and took hours, sometimes days to reply to one of my texts, if I had waited the same amount of time to reply I would never talk to her. I have dropped that since I felt like I was intruding in her life, but if she gives me the time of day, I'll do the same.

 

[ZackieChan]

Absolutely, I do. I'm just using my most recent situation as example, the girl had 2 jobs and took hours, sometimes days to reply to one of my texts, if I had waited the same amount of time to reply I would never talk to her. I have dropped that since I felt like I was intruding in her life, but if she gives me the time of day, I'll do the same.

That's the complete opposite attitude you should have. You're not valuing your own time and needs, while being overly concerned about intruding on her life. This is exactly the point of waiting to text back.

Anyway, you shouldn't be having long text convos with girls you aren't involved with. Just surface shit and setting up a date.

 

[gaiages]

I disagree with this. While it may be some kind of norm in the US, I seriously doubt all girls, or even a great majority of them, want this. Here in Sweden it definitely isn't though.

I agree with you there. I prefer it being equal-ish, as in, we treat each other. But it is more or less the norm in the US.

.

Yes, men and women can be just friends. Adults understand that not everything has to be ruled by hormones.

However, that text she sent you is incredibly rude and bitchy. I can understand her possibly being frustrated by your past jealously issues (as you have a lot of them, apparently), but that's just terrible to tell someone. She doesn't respect you.

And again, as it's said everytime, you two have to trust each other. If you two don't, then it won't work out, no matter how much "chemistry" or awesome sex there is.

 

[Gray Matter]

That's the complete opposite attitude you should have. You're not valuing your own time and needs, while being overly concerned about intruding on her life. This is exactly the point of waiting to text back.

Anyway, you shouldn't be having long text convos with girls you aren't involved with. Just surface shit and setting up a date.

I was trying to set up a date with her, but like I said, it took her days to reply to me. Last message I sent was last week Thursday, and nothing since, and to be quite honest, if she replies, good, if she doesn't, I wouldn't care either.

 

[ZackieChan]

I was trying to set up a date with her, but like I said, it took her days to reply to me. Last message I sent was last week Thursday, and nothing since, and to be quite honest, if she replies, good, if she doesn't, I wouldn't care either.

I suppose, but she doesn't respect you or care enough to reply to your message within a reasonable time. Move on.

I got played like this and moved to another damn country (temporarily, anyway) to meet a girl who used to do this. Japanese flight attendant I met in a cafe in Saigon. I arrived in Tokyo, texted her, and she replies with "I hope we can meet next month." The fuck? I immediately started looking for others to date, realizing that I fucked up. I found an amazing girl soon after. We had an awesome 12-hour date and I ended up living with her for a few months. We broke up because she wants to be married and have kids soon, and I don't. But I realized that if a girl doesn't value my time or my company, she isn't worth either.

Kind of the dude equivalent of "If you can't handle me at my worst, you don't deserve me at my best."

 

[Gray Matter]

I suppose, but she doesn't respect you or care enough to reply to your message within a reasonable time. Move on.

I got played like this and moved to another damn country (temporarily, anyway) to meet a girl who used to do this. Japanese flight attendant I met in a cafe in Saigon. I arrived in Tokyo, texted her, and she replies with "I hope we can meet next month." The fuck? I immediately started looking for others to date, realizing that I fucked up. I found an amazing girl soon after. We had an awesome 12-hour date and I ended up living with her for a few months. We broke up because she wants to be married and have kids soon, and I don't. But I realized that if a girl doesn't value my time or my company, she isn't worth either.

Kind of the dude equivalent of "If you can't handle me at my worst, you don't deserve me at my best."

I knew this one wasn't going to work out from the get go as there were a few red flags from the very beginning, but I tried anyway. But I still don't think that waiting to reply is good, if I get a message and I'm not preoccupied with something else, I'll reply, no point in waiting.

 

[ZackieChan]

I knew this one wasn't going to work out from the get go as there were a few red flags from the very beginning, but I tried anyway. But I still don't think that waiting to reply is good, if I get a message and I'm not preoccupied with something else, I'll reply, no point in waiting.

It's just a general principle, not an exact science. But you get the point.

 

[Oblivion]

A month of sending messages on OKC only to get a "not feeling like meeting anyone"? What a waste of time just so she could feel wanted. It's despicable.

That's why you move for a real-life meeting asap. Otherwise you're pen pals. If that's what you want,OK. But I have a feeling you wanted to date this girl. Should have figured out her intentions long ago.

There's one girl I talk to that does this stuff. But she sends me cute photos all the time and I don't care if we meet. I don't spend much time talking to her.

The ones I do like, I trade a few messages back and forth, then tell them I want to meet up for whatever. One recent one said she wanted to talk for a few months before meeting. No thanks! That's it.

It wasn't exactly like though. The main reason it took a month to plan to finally meet up was because it took both of us a long time to actually free up some time to meet. The first weekend I was out of town, the second week she was hanging out with a friend who came to visit, the third I had surgery so that was totally out of the question. Today was the first time we actually had nothing going.

And yeah, I'm well aware you don't take this long to ask someone out. Normally I try to meet the very next weekend or as soon as they're free. The fact that she still stuck around after all this time was kinda surprising though.

 

[Johnny Cage In The Shower]

So I took Zackie's advice on "Quantity over quality" as far as dating goes...

I honestly have about 4 women on the go now, tentative, three of them have my number already...

And one of them I just met on the street last night, (As oppose to my regular Tinder encounters) really cute German, girl sparked up an awesome conversation, cracked her up almost to tears, not to brag or anything, but I am actually surprised at myself (I got her number in less than 10 minutes of a conversation) she was sitting on the steps on a street.

Anyway my last experience with that bombshell woman (See this thread a dozen pages back) , just raised the bar for me, gave me so much more confidence, before dropping my face first in the mud from great heights... Even though it didn't work out and it was really painful for me at first to accept the rejection (I made some stupid mistakes, I could've easily avoided, if I had my game on point) Alas the damage was done, and she's out of my life now... So I have to do whatever I can to find happiness with someone else and thank God, I never been this active and distracted by the ladies since i was some young fuckin buck in my early 20's! I have a date tomorrow and another one on Wednesday!

I am also not hesitating to ask girls out in any social situation in public, and not just the monotonous Tinder small talk(text), ... Even while rejected, I am building a thick skin and I'm not even hurt by it...

For some of you guys out there, you need to raise your worth, your value, no matter how much of a slum, funk you think you're in, fuck all that! Go outside! enjoy life, stay away from pessimist and negative friends who belittle you and put you down, surround yourself with people who respect you, no matter who they are and where they are from, Go make new friends if you have to, and start from that HIGH to ask girls out, you gotta feel good about yourself first, before you put yourself in a vulnerable position of waiting for a stupid text for hours, when you find yourself dwelling forever about getting a reply back, time to refresh your train of thought and your attitude... They ignoring you has very little to do with who you really are but a lot to do with how you are handling this very particular situation of being ignored... Don't bath in that insecurity of not being needed, wanted.. Get out of that position quick and move the fuck on! Get away from your phone, go out and surround yourself with good people and start over. No one, I mean NO FUCKIN WOMAN out there is worth the stress and the headache of a pointless chase, be honest with yourself first, them with them.

I knew this one wasn't going to work out from the get go as there were a few red flags from the very beginning, but I tried anyway. But I still don't think that waiting to reply is good, if I get a message and I'm not preoccupied with something else, I'll reply, no point in waiting.

Gray Matter I agree with you here, just fuckin be yourself man, the more you get involved with shitty women, and join in on their games of waiting, ignoring and manipulating you, the more you become those people yourself. Just realize that you should never wear your heart on your sleeve, not until you feel enough confidence with someone, we're talking at least 4-5 dates in with someone, and not even after you sleep with a woman, believe you me on that one..

Never confuse curbing your feelings and emotions for someone with changing who you are and your core values... If a woman is taking 24 hours to reply to you, and she does this repeatedly that it comes ridiculous to have any kind of dialogue with her, then just walk the fuck away! "Quitting" in these situations is NOT quitting at all, It's taking the higher road, showing yourself some self respect.. making yourself stronger emotionally... That is all you're doing, is working and flexing those weak heart muscles of yours...

Just remember for every woman like her who likes to play the ignore game with 48 hour intervals between replies there is one that will reply to your texts in timely manner, there's always one out there that will show you the respect you deserve, walk away.

 

[ZackieChan]

And yeah, I'm well aware you don't take this long to ask someone out. Normally I try to meet the very next weekend or as soon as they're free. The fact that she still stuck around after all this time was kinda surprising though.

OK, that's fine. Sucks that it took a month for itsfuckingnothing.gif though

So I took Zackie's advice on "Quantity over quality" as far as dating goes...

I honestly have about 4 women on the go now, tentative, three of them have my number already...

Great job, young padawan. Brings a tear to ky eye.

And the corollary to what you said is that knowing you can just find another girl to ask out makes you less depressed when one doesn't respond. All of it sounds kind of sleazy, but until you are exclusive and find the one you want to be with, there's nothing wrong with dating multiple girls!

 

[Johnny Cage In The Shower]

OK, that's fine. Sucks that it took a month for itsfuckingnothing.gif though



Great job, young padawan. Brings a tear to ky eye.

And the corollary to what you said is that knowing you can just find another girl to ask out makes you less depressed when one doesn't respond. All of it sounds kind of sleazy, but until you are exclusive and find the one you want to be with, there's nothing wrong with dating multiple girls!

Exactly, I think this whole pop/ hip hop culture (Excuse my gramps like dialogue) that has fabricated the "player" term in the last decade or so, has been a bit misunderstood by us men and in return has set us back a few steps in finding an ideal partner.

The fact of the matter is, we live in a very fast moving world, full of online dating services social media etc. etc. It is super easy to spark a conversation with a woman that lives in the next town over, or next country over or two blocks away from you and get something going, I mean like scary easy... All you need is a smartphone (old or new) and online connection...

Meeting women 8-10 years ago was not the same as meeting women today, and we need to adapt to this fast moving world, we need to simply keep up with it, and first step of keeping up with dating these days is to tuck away your deep feelings and emotions for someone until you really feel safe to bring them out. That woman you just exchanged 2 dozen text with on Ok Cupid / Tinder owes you nothing, and you don't owe her anything, so keep your emotions at bay, keep your dick in your pants and keep looking for more connections with other women, just as most likely they are doing the same with other men.

Very important to know that, you are not being a "player' You'r e not being "dishonest" you're not being "sleazy" You are simply keeping up with this chaotic, modern day of dating until you find a TRUE connection with that 'special' someone. And believe you me, you have to sift through a pile of bad 'connections' before you find that true one.

Know that this is not a quick race, it's a long ass marathon, so pace yourself, meaning don't exhaust your heart by getting caught up on this one girl you met, give your heart a break, don't sprint and kill yourself on the first 500 meters (quarter mile ) slow and steady etc.

 

[LucidMomentum]

Hey y'all, random question.

How long of a travel is too much of a travel for a LDR?
I want to hear from you all while I think some stuff over.

 

[Iph]

Never confuse curbing your feelings and emotions for someone with changing who you are and your core values...

YES. I wish people were more self-aware of this, or didn't let who they are fall to the background because they think it helps "impress" someone they are interested in. Often, those very values are what might attract someone the most. Dating can feel like putting on an act at times, sure, but I think in trying to attract and keep the other party interested, too often people will sacrifice their core values in an attempt to work something out with someone they are interested in. I have been guilty of it myself in the past when I loved someone who didn't love me, and I was still trying to "make it work out" because I didn't see how shallow their interests were at first.

 

[ZackieChan]

Exactly, I think this whole pop/ hip hop culture (Excuse my gramps like dialogue) that has fabricated the "player" term in the last decade or so, has been a bit misunderstood by us men and in return has set us back a few steps in finding an ideal partner.
.

You're like a completely different person from a few weeks ago.

YES. I wish people were more self-aware of this, or didn't let who they are fall to the background because they think it helps "impress" someone they are interested in. Often, those very values are what might attract someone the most. Dating can feel like putting on an act at times, sure, but I think in trying to attract and keep the other party interested, too often people will sacrifice their core values in an attempt to work something out with someone they are interested in. I have been guilty of it myself in the past when I loved someone who didn't love me, and I was still trying to "make it work out" because I didn't see how shallow their interests were at first.

Yep, I think we've all done some form of this. We're all trying to help others to avoid it, but in many ways it's a lesson you need to learn for yourself.

The problem is when you get married to someone who only loves this modified version of you - it's no good.

 

[Johnny Cage In The Shower]

You're like a completely different person from a few weeks ago.

Yeah man, as cliche' as it may sound, dating this one chick, just opened my eyes a little to myself, my life and gave me a good reflection, made me totally stop and evaluate my life and my wants and needs.

June and July were a very weird two months for my personal life , I dated two beautiful women, back to back and they were actually really cool, unlike my previous dates which more or less were mediocre (sex was ok, but there was not much else) this destroyed my spirit and hopes of ever finding a nice lady!

These two were something else, but of course they felt like a flash in the pan, (came and went, left me all off balanced) I realized I have neglected and been careless about my own values and qualities and without realizing, subconsciously been in a "I don't give a fuck anymore" about anything zone for a long time,

This kind of attitude is very self destructive and dangerous, it gradually and in subtle fashion eats away at our spirit, and before you know it, I couldn't even lift my head on the street to look at anyone, let alone have the balls to talk to a nice girl.

So yeah this last girl, she was the Defibrillation to my cardiac arrest, when she dropped me I was devastated, I could've just sat there in a funk, but I am too old for that shit, I have no time for that, I decided to head on the opposite direction.

 

[Miroku129]

I need help with a girl GAF! we met some time ago in the University we attended, but then I had to leave the career and stopped talking for a while. Recently I remembered and add to Facebook, we gather to help a mutual friend in a photograph session and had some fun. She is very independent and mature, whereas I've always felt like a beta. I have always liked her, but I've never shown, and while it is very nice to me I never tried to flirt with her for fear of being rejected and losing their friendship (It has happened before). What would be the sensible thing to do here GAF? Risk losing her friendship or just leave it as is?

 

[Lone_Prodigy]

I need help with a girl GAF! we met some time ago in the University we attended, but then I had to leave the career and stopped talking for a while. Recently I remembered and add to Facebook, we gather to help a mutual friend in a photograph session and had some fun. She is very independent and mature, whereas I've always felt like a beta. I have always liked her, but I've never shown, and while it is very nice to me I never tried to flirt with her for fear of being rejected and losing their friendship (It has happened before). What would be the sensible thing to do here GAF? Risk losing her friendship or just leave it as is?

Three options, really:

1. You do nothing. You stay friends, you pine for her from a distance, get jealous at the guys she dates, and hope she notices you eventually. Meanwhile you reject all other signals from girls who like you, in the hopes that the one you want will start paying attention to you.
2. You tell her how you feel, she reciprocates, you live happily ever after.
3. You tell her how you feel, she rejects you, at least you tried. I guess you stay friends but it gets awkward and uncomfortable and you eventually drift apart. You find someone else.

Honestly, you meet so many people in your life you can't keep all of them as "friends". I don't think you'll lose much sleep over the end of one friendship.

 

[Septimius]

That really helps, thank you.

She offered to allow me to read all her texts messages when I want if need be...As much as I would love to I just cant do that.

I know she went through hell in her marriage. Her husband wouldn't allow her to work around me, didnt approve of her shaving her legs...and to be honest..
If she was going out with friends he would, as she said, "wear her out and mark her"...meaning he would make her perform sex acts multiple times prior to going out and would not allow her to clean her self off afterwards.

She says tho, in 19 years of the emotional, physical, and sexual abuse at his hands she always stayed faithful. She also said the barrage of men has made her less free with her sexuality having one partner in college and then her husband. She is disgusted by casual sex and a bit of a germaphobe. Like I said she dumped me the day after we had sex for the first time cause she felt dirty and down on herself. We talked it out and theirs no denying we have some explosive chemistry we both couldnt and cant control.
Having similar but differing backgrounds we spend sometimes 5 days a week together both saying theirs something missing when the other one is away.

Staying faithful when you're being abused isn't really representative. Fear, unsound footing, emotional turmoil, all have us clinging to those we are with. Just look at anyone who's justified someone that beats them or is otherwise terribly out of line in their behavior. I'm not trying to take away credit, it's just that while it's great that she wasn't unfaithful in its own, it doesn't apply to your situation.

With the things you describe, there's no wonder things are the way they are. Abuse of any kind leave deep marks in any person. Sexual abuse a tenfold of that. They can leave people emotionally jaded, and with extremely strong emotional self-defenses. Her reactions to how you feel show some of that, wherein your concern is considered an impairment of her freedom. Her hot-cold reactions to you show the marks of her abuse. They're understandable reactions from having been in an abusive relationship for that long. There has to be progress for her in that regard. You have to be able to feel that you don't have to silence your fears. If her vehement reactions to your concerns triggers the reaction stn looks in you, you're on a track of being doomed to fail. Stn says:

Take charge, man. Seriously. Don't be a wimp.

And I have to strongly disagree in this situation. The two of you are in a committed relationship, and have been for months. You're not dating, you're not just getting to know each other. The concerns the others have are now yours to share with each other. Suppressing fears and insecurities can definitely help, so in that regard stn is completely right. However, I think it's ill-advised, because continued exposure to that might give her what she wants, but you're giving up a huge part of yourself. You can have this mentality of 'simply manning up', but in doing so, you suppress a huge range of emotions that even men are capable of feeling. We don't have to be jaded, devil-may-cares. If you feel uneasy that she's hanging out with this guy, pretending you don't might seriously work, but it would at the same time be the reason why the relationship isn't healthy.

A healthy relationship is one where communication is free to the extent that problems like these are worked through. With the emotional distress she's gone through, she likely will have a hard time dealing with some things you might put forward. The huge difference between this being healthy and worthwhile, and not, is if when she encounters those shortcomings in herself, that she wants to work through them, and help you, despite how she feels. When you have to suppress something, because her reactions aren't good enough for you to relax, you might have found a way to sustain the relationship, but you'll be eroded with time.

While stn has outlined something that will work, those that have faked it until they make it all realize they are worse for wear when they get it at a distance. It has you un-justifying your completely just feelings. I need to reiterate that what you posted before about 'men and women can't be friends' might show a more generalized jealousy, and that that jealousy has to subside. In that regard I completely agree with stn. However, the moment you're not in a relationship where you are free to tell your girlfriend that you're uneasy with someone she's hanging out with, is the moment you're in a relationship you shouldn't be in.

6. You can't change people. And shouldn't bother trying. She's going to hangout with that guy no matter what, its up to you based on how you want to react to it.

Remember that this isn't about him trying to deny him that. It's about him talking with her to get over the fear he's feeling. It is not uncommon for people in a relationship to feel uneasy about someone the other is hanging out with. Most of the time it's for silly reasons, or just a gut feeling that was wrong. However, it should always be able to be mended via communication. It's not that it takes a lot to get rid of that uneasiness, because most of the time, the willingness for the other part to talk about it is all that one wants to feel.

 

[Deleted member 529084]

Well, thunk it's over...I tried blind trust and confidence but everything seemed "off" and I was just uncomfortable around her now.


She spent the day with him. Told me swing by her house at 10..as I'm leaving she says make it 1045 I got called into work.
Maybe paranoia but it just seemed odd.

When I get their I'm stuck mingling with her and her babysitter for about an hour. The whole time she's texting or complaining about her stomach, saying her bladder hurts.
Maybe it's paranoia but this, as a guy, is a usually a clear sign sex has been taken off the table...perhaps cause she had it earlier?

Her babysitter mentions telling someone she would be home at 830...she interrupts "yeah before I got called into work!"
Maybe paranoia but did the babysitter just blow her spot up.

I return from taken her sitter home for her, we have a quick 10min chat about trust/meeting the artist/etc..
We enter the bedroom and I start getting comfortable by taking off my glasses and watch.
As I'm doing this and setting them on the dresser her phone goes off. It's a text message from him. I see his name in the notification bar but can't make out what the message is.

We lay down and she makes a comment about something not seeming right, what I precieve as "I was out with a guy all day and I'm not showing you any affection and I'm about to fall asleep"
To sum it up.."Me not fucking you prob looks like I fucked him earlier"
I shrug it off.
She then ask "Am I mess" I say she isn't easy to deal with but not a mess.

She ask me to apply ointment to her tattoo and wrap it.
I do it, she falls askeep as I'm doing it.

I got their at 1045...she was asleep by 1230.

1245 I slowly put my boots on, grabbed my belongings and left.

She text me at 3am, angry..saying I said I would stay and it's fucked up I left.
I didn't say much, just said she fell asleep and I couldn't get comfortable so I headed home.

I knew it was half a lie, I was uncomfortable but their was more.
I text her at 6am...explained I felt a tension, a change in atmosphere being thier..said I felt uneasy, sick to my stomach, uncomfortable.
All pretty much true..that feeling you get when something feels "off"

She hasn't text me back yet. Not gonna be pretty.
She mentioned going out for drinks tonight with some women she knows...my paranoia and vivid imagination thinks he is still in town and she is going to see him.

 

[Daria]

Girlfriend just left to go back home. Sorry if its poorly written and all that. I'm just not feeling anything right now.

Long distance relationships. This is a first for me and I never realized just how shitty it feels to have the other people leave after visiting for a few days. I don't think its gotten easier since the first time. Sometimes I feel like I don't do as much as I should when the time is spent together, that i'm neglecting something or someone. I don't realize anything until after the fact that they're going back home. I wish I could physically do more with as much as I think. I constantly think of ways to be closer which is nothing really besides just moving. I'd do it honestly, I don't care for the city I'm living right in right now, nor the school I'm attending, etc. Sucks that I'm already registered for Fall classes and I don't want to get behind even further so I can't drop them. 16 weeks seems so long to wait before even thinking about moving but it'll give me time to prepare, save money, figure out whatever.

I'm sure some of this also has to do with wanting to get away from past relationships and everything negative I have around me here. Getting somewhere new will be exciting, a new change, something. Not to mention the fact that I'm comparing relationship to my friend who I got hooked up with my girlfriends old roommate. They started dating a month or so after us and they're set to move into an apartment start of next month. Them being in a long distance relationship as well is what makes me compare it all.

Spoiler

like fuck, a hour and half distance between us is a lot, right? this sucks sooooo much. i hate it but love her. I don't want to move and dig myself into debt and have nothing. It's bad timing in some aspects but i don't want to give up.

 

[DJ Lushious]

Girlfriend just left to go back home. Sorry if its poorly written and all that. I'm just not feeling anything right now.

Long distance relationships. This is a first for me and I never realized just how shitty it feels to have the other people leave after visiting for a few days. I don't think its gotten easier since the first time. Sometimes I feel like I don't do as much as I should when the time is spent together, that i'm neglecting something or someone. I don't realize anything until after the fact that they're going back home. I wish I could physically do more with as much as I think. I constantly think of ways to be closer which is nothing really besides just moving. I'd do it honestly, I don't care for the city I'm living right in right now, nor the school I'm attending, etc. Sucks that I'm already registered for Fall classes and I don't want to get behind even further so I can't drop them. 16 weeks seems so long to wait before even thinking about moving but it'll give me time to prepare, save money, figure out whatever.

I'm sure some of this also has to do with wanting to get away from past relationships and everything negative I have around me here. Getting somewhere new will be exciting, a new change, something. Not to mention the fact that I'm comparing relationship to my friend who I got hooked up with my girlfriends old roommate. They started dating a month or so after us and they're set to move into an apartment start of next month. Them being in a long distance relationship as well is what makes me compare it all.

Spoiler

like fuck, a hour and half distance between us is a lot, right? this sucks sooooo much. i hate it but love her. I don't want to move and dig myself into debt and have nothing. It's bad timing in some aspects but i don't want to give up.

RE: Spoiler

No, 90 minutes is nothing and easily workable. That's an easy trip to make every weekend.

Long distance sucks hard, but you have it stacked in your favor by it being relatively close. I was in a 2500 mile LDR for way too long and it was miserable. Try seeing that person once every three months or more with no endpoint in sight.

You've got it easy, in the grand scheme of long distance. If it's worth it, do it.

 

[Septimius]

Well, thunk it's over...I tried blind trust and confidence but everything seemed "off" and I was just uncomfortable around her now.

You're dodging the problem, which is what she's doing. You're not facilitating communication. You need to. Don't feel bad about not being able to simply suck it up. It's not always that easy, and even when you manage to do it, it doesn't always work for the better.

You're in a committed relationship. Your responsibility is also letting her know how you feel, especially in a situation like that. If you've communicated clearly that you're uneasy with them hanging out before, and she's been understanding of that, which it seems she might've been, since she offered you to see the texts, then you can also say "I might be silly, but you getting that text from him now, just added to my uneasiness". That would give her the chance to help you feel better. It's unnatural of you to think you'd feel more at ease when you don't say anything. I don't get what she means by saying her bladder hurts. If it was a urinary tract infection, you'd kind of think she'd not have mentioned it if she had had sex. The only way a bladder can hurt is if you've held your pee for too long. UTI would give a painful sensation to the.. well, urinary tract. Anyway, I can't decipher her knowledge of anatomy or pathology. But, believe me, if she had sex, I'd guess she'd be more likely to have sex with you to convince you she hadn't had sex than to take it off the table. I don't get the chronology of when she interrupted the babysitter, saying she got called into work. Since I don't get what you were saying, I can't really judge what was going on.

It's hand-waving of her to ask if she's a mess. It was your time to press the issue. Why is she a mess for having hung out with a guy? Is something bothering her? You could've told her how uneasy you were. You let yourself be taken for a ride, as she throws you these statements like "me not sleeping with you probably gives you the impression that I slept with him". Why would she say that? You shrug it off, and she remains in control.

You've dealt with it a different way, but that way turns out to be rather effective. Rather than pressing the issue, you left, you didn't stir up drama, you told her you didn't feel good about the entire situation. Let that sit with her. Don't push anything, if she goes out without talking with you, let her. Just see how it all unfolds. It seems she's in an emotionally stressed situation. If that is about you and her, or her and this guy, you'll find out soon enough.

 

[ZackieChan]

Well, thunk it's over...I tried blind trust and confidence but everything seemed "off" and I was just uncomfortable around her now.


She spent the day with him. Told me swing by her house at 10..as I'm leaving she says make it 1045 I got called into work.
Maybe paranoia but it just seemed odd.

When I get their I'm stuck mingling with her and her babysitter for about an hour. The whole time she's texting or complaining about her stomach, saying her bladder hurts.
Maybe it's paranoia but this, as a guy, is a usually a clear sign sex has been taken off the table...perhaps cause she had it earlier?

Her babysitter mentions telling someone she would be home at 830...she interrupts "yeah before I got called into work!"
Maybe paranoia but did the babysitter just blow her spot up.

I return from taken her sitter home for her, we have a quick 10min chat about trust/meeting the artist/etc..
We enter the bedroom and I start getting comfortable by taking off my glasses and watch.
As I'm doing this and setting them on the dresser her phone goes off. It's a text message from him. I see his name in the notification bar but can't make out what the message is.

We lay down and she makes a comment about something not seeming right, what I precieve as "I was out with a guy all day and I'm not showing you any affection and I'm about to fall asleep"
To sum it up.."Me not fucking you prob looks like I fucked him earlier"
I shrug it off.
She then ask "Am I mess" I say she isn't easy to deal with but not a mess.

She ask me to apply ointment to her tattoo and wrap it.
I do it, she falls askeep as I'm doing it.

I got their at 1045...she was asleep by 1230.

1245 I slowly put my boots on, grabbed my belongings and left.

She text me at 3am, angry..saying I said I would stay and it's fucked up I left.
I didn't say much, just said she fell asleep and I couldn't get comfortable so I headed home.

I knew it was half a lie, I was uncomfortable but their was more.
I text her at 6am...explained I felt a tension, a change in atmosphere being thier..said I felt uneasy, sick to my stomach, uncomfortable.
All pretty much true..that feeling you get when something feels "off"

She hasn't text me back yet. Not gonna be pretty.
She mentioned going out for drinks tonight with some women she knows...my paranoia and vivid imagination thinks he is still in town and she is going to see him.

Holy shit dude. You are insecure as hell. Nothing has changed from the first time you posted about her.

You're not ready for this relationship. You don't trust her. You're reading into every little thing that happens, assuming the worst and acting on that. Get a grip or get out.

You were advised by many of us that this isn't a good relationship for you. I think that still stands.

 

[Deleted member 529084]

You're dodging the problem, which is what she's doing. You're not facilitating communication. You need to. Don't feel bad about not being able to simply suck it up. It's not always that easy, and even when you manage to do it, it doesn't always work for the better.

You're in a committed relationship. Your responsibility is also letting her know how you feel, especially in a situation like that. If you've communicated clearly that you're uneasy with them hanging out before, and she's been understanding of that, which it seems she might've been, since she offered you to see the texts, then you can also say "I might be silly, but you getting that text from him now, just added to my uneasiness". That would give her the chance to help you feel better. It's unnatural of you to think you'd feel more at ease when you don't say anything. I don't get what she means by saying her bladder hurts. If it was a urinary tract infection, you'd kind of think she'd not have mentioned it if she had had sex. The only way a bladder can hurt is if you've held your pee for too long. UTI would give a painful sensation to the.. well, urinary tract. Anyway, I can't decipher her knowledge of anatomy or pathology. But, believe me, if she had sex, I'd guess she'd be more likely to have sex with you to convince you she hadn't had sex than to take it off the table. I don't get the chronology of when she interrupted the babysitter, saying she got called into work. Since I don't get what you were saying, I can't really judge what was going on.

It's hand-waving of her to ask if she's a mess. It was your time to press the issue. Why is she a mess for having hung out with a guy? Is something bothering her? You could've told her how uneasy you were. You let yourself be taken for a ride, as she throws you these statements like "me not sleeping with you probably gives you the impression that I slept with him". Why would she say that? You shrug it off, and she remains in control.

You've dealt with it a different way, but that way turns out to be rather effective. Rather than pressing the issue, you left, you didn't stir up drama, you told her you didn't feel good about the entire situation. Let that sit with her. Don't push anything, if she goes out without talking with you, let her. Just see how it all unfolds. It seems she's in an emotionally stressed situation. If that is about you and her, or her and this guy, you'll find out soon enough.

Thanks. Big help, haven't slept all night..miss and love her and not sure what to do next.

The bladder hurting thing to me just seemed like one of those things. Like someone who says they "have a headache"
Part of me knew she avoid sex last night. I anticipated an excuse, and it happened.
I don't think she's the type to have mutiple men inside her so soon.
She had even once said to me last week "When I get back from seeing him I'm gonna f*ck you just to show you I didn't let him touch me"

The chronology with the babysitter was during the mingling stage when I first came over.
It just seemed like one of those moments when a second party involved in a lie flubs the time line.
Her babysitter was jabbering away about the kids and said someone stopped by and that my girlfriend would be home by 8:30
My girlfriend quickly interjected with "well that was before I got called into work!" and to me, her expression just seemed strange when she said it.

I didn't bring up the call cause as she I saw it happening while I removed my items she was asking me to grab something out of her hands.
It was a split second moment.

I did let opportune moments slip by, regret it.
I'm the type who will bottle my pain and fears conflict.

The comment that sounded as if she said "looks weird we aren't having sex" I think was said due to what she said last week about fucking me after seeing him to prove she wasn't with him.

She just text me back..
She thinks the tension and change is her not reassuring me with her vagina. Said I need to get over what ever thing I have going on.

Gah...suggested responses?

 

[Septimius]

She had even once said to me last week "When I get back from seeing him I'm gonna f*ck you just to show you I didn't let him touch me"

Sounds like an idea that she has from her time being abused. Given how he would force himself on her before she could go out, she might feel it proves that she hasn't been with someone if she does. If that's it, it's horrible grounds to have sex, and the bad feelings of all the times she had to prove that she didn't have sex with someone else with her ex probably had her feel horrible, given the similarity of the situations. In that way, you can't take anything useful out of the fact that she didn't have sex with you. There are reasons why she wouldn't have sex with you if she had had sex with him, but there are equally strong reasons why she would have sex with you if she had had sex with him, because she already told you it would be proof. That's why I think she'd have forced herself to have sex with you if she had had sex with him. So, you can't take anything from that.

The chronology with the babysitter was during the mingling stage when I first came over.
It just seemed like one of those moments when a second party involved in a lie flubs the time line.
Her babysitter was jabbering away about the kids and said someone stopped by and that my girlfriend would be home by 8:30
My girlfriend quickly interjected with "well that was before I got called into work!" and to me, her expression just seemed strange when she said it.

But.. wasn't she going to hang out with this guy? I still don't get the timeline. Is her story that she hung out with him until like 8, then she got called into work? It doesn't really matter. If you felt something was off when she was talking about that, you should let her know.

She just text me back..
She thinks the tension and change is her not reassuring me with her vagina. Said I need to get over what ever thing I have going on.

Gah...suggested responses?

Well, it's obviously stirring up feelings from her time of being abused. That's very important of you to understand. Let her know this has nothing to do with her not having sex with you yesterday. Tell her that you don't need reassurance from her vagina, but rather that she's just there for you and understands that you have a hard time. She can't just tell you to get over it.

 

[Shuggananas]

I don't think she's the type to have mutiple men inside her so soon.

She thinks the tension and change is her not reassuring me with her vagina. Said I need to get over what ever thing I have going on.

literally what'ed

 

[gaiages]

Hey y'all, random question.

How long of a travel is too much of a travel for a LDR?
I want to hear from you all while I think some stuff over.

Depends on your preferences? It'll be a LDR either way. If, for example, she lives so far away you'd never be able to see her, then that's bad, but other than that, it's on you to decide.

.

My god.

Because her "bladder hurts" (? Maybe she meant her stomach?), she had sex with this guy? What the fuck? Because she's tired from getting needles stabbed in her for probably 5+ hours and falls asleep she clearly cheated on you?

Come the fuck on.

Just because she went and hung out with another person, DOES NOT MEAN SHE HAD SEX WITH THEM. Stop thinking with your dick for two seconds. What's so bad about this woman having a male friend? Why's is it bad she didn't want to have sex one night?

You obviously don't trust her, and she obviously doesn't respect you. This 'relationship' is toxic to the both of you. It's best if you just moved on already.

I don't think she's the type to have mutiple men inside her so soon.

THEN WHY DO YOU THINK SHE FUCKS EVERY GUY SHE TALKS TO!?

You don't make any sense!

 

[Miroku129]

Three options, really:

1. You do nothing. You stay friends, you pine for her from a distance, get jealous at the guys she dates, and hope she notices you eventually. Meanwhile you reject all other signals from girls who like you, in the hopes that the one you want will start paying attention to you.
2. You tell her how you feel, she reciprocates, you live happily ever after.
3. You tell her how you feel, she rejects you, at least you tried. I guess you stay friends but it gets awkward and uncomfortable and you eventually drift apart. You find someone else.

Honestly, you meet so many people in your life you can't keep all of them as "friends". I don't think you'll lose much sleep over the end of one friendship.

Thanks, you are right... I gonna tell her my feelings. YOLO and stuff hahaha!

 

[Septimius]

My god.

Because her "bladder hurts" (? Maybe she meant her stomach?), she had sex with this guy? What the fuck? Because she's tired from getting needles stabbed in her for probably 5+ hours and falls asleep she clearly cheated on you?

Come the fuck on.

Just because she went and hung out with another person, DOES NOT MEAN SHE HAD SEX WITH THEM. Stop thinking with your dick for two seconds. What's so bad about this woman having a male friend? Why's is it bad she didn't want to have sex one night?

You obviously don't trust her, and she obviously doesn't respect you. This 'relationship' is toxic to the both of you. It's best if you just moved on already.

THEN WHY DO YOU THINK SHE FUCKS EVERY GUY SHE TALKS TO!?

You don't make any sense!

I think it's an unwarranted reaction. This guy's walking around with a sucky knot in his stomach. That can lead to people overreacting to small stuff, but we've all been there. Putting him down over that doesn't help, it's the main problem with how she's reacting to him. It's never about what people say, but it's about how they say it. Something you're used to hearing a thousand times over, like "I'm going out to hang out with the girls" might the one thousand and one-th time have you feel something's wrong. Maybe he's used to her saying she's not up for sex by saying that something hurts, but that this time, his head was overreacting, trying to have it all add up.

This guy's spilling his feelings for us, he's telling us he can't separate paranoia from reality, and that's what we're here for. Not to put him down for being honest with us.

I think he makes sense, or more important, he's trying to make sense of it all. If your girlfriend has said she's gonna prove to you that she didn't sleep with someone you're feeling iffy about, and she ends up not doing it when she comes home, anyone would react. It's not proof, and I covered that in my reply, but surely it's not that hard to see how this could make even the most confident man freak out. Notwithstanding the fact that it already came to a place where your girlfriend would 'prove to you' that she didn't sleep with anyone by having sex with you. It's as backwards as a situation comes, and it's poorly handled by her. He's left an emotional jitterbug by the things she does to him, but yelling at him won't help anyone.

We've covered general insecurities, and we've figured out that it's this one guy that SPMH feels something's off about. That's a feeling one should trust. It's not the sign of insecurity, it's the sign of small things rubbing you wrong. It's about being human. Sometimes humans have a great sense of when things are off. Other times, we just get hung up on a thought, and it bothers us until nothing makes sense, anymore. Neither of those times is it our lone responsibility to figure that out. We have our girlfriends to help us figure it out with them, and when you try to get that help, and they just hand-wave it away, way too many before this situation have had a good reason to feel that way.

 

[gaiages]

.

I'm not trying to put him down (though I can certainly see that I'm being a bit rude), but his reaction isn't a one time thing from him. He's had this insecurity from the beginning, as in every time a guy so much as says anything to her, even on social media, would send him into a fit of blind jealously. I can understand him feeling off with her maybe hanging with a guy all the time, *if* she hadn't given a good reason (he's a tattoo artist, and she's clearly getting a tattoo from him, she can't really lie about that), but his reactions in the past to anyone saying anything about her being attractive are way off-kilter, and he has been told that multiple times, by multiple people.

In addition, his flip-flopping on stances is immensely frustrating. I really do want an answer--if he really thinks that she isn't the type to go and have sex with a bunch of men (and backs that up with evidence), then why does he think she's having sex with every guy that says something flirty/attractive to her, or she hangs out with? It doesn't make sense.

And, his utter fixation on the sexual part of the relationship (from past posts and his insecurities with her) really show that he's thinking with his hormones, not with his head. She's not exactly a saint or anything, either, from what I can tell she's extremely dismissive of his feelings and seems to not care about his concerns. It's a terribly toxic relationship from both sides. This isn't something that should continue, judging by the constant drama that he's shown through his post history in this thread. They both even have kids, and as of the last update on that, he had to hide from her kids because of the crazy ex-husband might come to kill him. How does this relationship help him, her, the kids, anyone?

But when most people tell him maybe it's best to break it off, due to the circumstances and his/her attitudes, he brushes it off. And talks about the new bondage gear they bought, and how much it cost, and how awesome it is. Needless to say, I've become frustrated with his drama-filled updates, simply because he's ignoring what's the best solution for his well-being, not even bringing to mind his imperfections/insecurities.

Again, not trying to specifically put him down, but when the problems he's having are becoming a tired pattern, I can't help but be blunt and a bit rude.

 

[stn]

And I have to strongly disagree in this situation. The two of you are in a committed relationship, and have been for months. You're not dating, you're not just getting to know each other. The concerns the others have are now yours to share with each other. Suppressing fears and insecurities can definitely help, so in that regard stn is completely right. However, I think it's ill-advised, because continued exposure to that might give her what she wants, but you're giving up a huge part of yourself. You can have this mentality of 'simply manning up', but in doing so, you suppress a huge range of emotions that even men are capable of feeling.

The main reason why I suggested he "suck it up" is because I don't see a willingness on her part to talk it out or compromise. The OP posted about this situation months ago, nothing has changed since then. She's always loving the attention and telling him how she's the greatest thing on Earth, he's always putting her on a pedestal and devaluing himself.

I don't see a willingness on her end to talk. She has always responded to his insecurities by saying how amazing she is. She hasn't addressed his concerns, just inflated her own ego. According to the OP's most recent post, her response to his most recent concern is to "deal with it".

When asked if she had any intention to bang this new guy, her response was that she wouldn't because she's a 35 year old with 3 kids. That's basically saying "I'm feeling insecure because I'm 35 and most people view kids as baggage." She also told the OP that he'd risk losing her if he continued feeling insecure. She's using herself as leverage against his emotions.

A healthy relationship is one where communication is free to the extent that problems like these are worked through. With the emotional distress she's gone through, she likely will have a hard time dealing with some things you might put forward.

Agreed. She has made it clear that she has problems responding to his concerns, however. Nothing to me suggests they can talk it out at this point.

While stn has outlined something that will work, those that have faked it until they make it all realize they are worse for wear when they get it at a distance. It has you un-justifying your completely just feelings. I need to reiterate that what you posted before about 'men and women can't be friends' might show a more generalized jealousy, and that that jealousy has to subside. In that regard I completely agree with stn. However, the moment you're not in a relationship where you are free to tell your girlfriend that you're uneasy with someone she's hanging out with, is the moment you're in a relationship you shouldn't be in.

I fully agree that its not an ideal suggestion. It was based on the above factors outlined. Namely, I don't think talking it out is going to work. I'd be surprised if it did. In fact, its ironic how she is aware of his insecurities and yet openly creates situations that make him vulnerable.

Remember that this isn't about him trying to deny him that. It's about him talking with her to get over the fear he's feeling. It is not uncommon for people in a relationship to feel uneasy about someone the other is hanging out with. Most of the time it's for silly reasons, or just a gut feeling that was wrong. However, it should always be able to be mended via communication. It's not that it takes a lot to get rid of that uneasiness, because most of the time, the willingness for the other part to talk about it is all that one wants to feel.

Again, fully agree. But I'm just unsure its going to work out here. Its just a toxic "relationship" that had warning signs all over it even months ago. I don't even see a relationship, just two insecure people who enjoy having sex with one-another. OP needs to make some changes.

EDIT:

@Gaiages

Agreed. Well, I'm not frustrated with the OP but I do agree with your whole assessment.

 

[Septimius]

The OP posted about this situation months ago, nothing has changed since then.

his reaction isn't a one time thing from him.

I seem to not have had all the information. This makes all responses seem more inline with what's going on. Happy to be able to discuss the situation with you guys, and take into account that I didn't know this with what I said before

I fully agree that its not an ideal suggestion. It was based on the above factors outlined. Namely, I don't think talking it out is going to work. I'd be surprised if it did. In fact, its ironic how she is aware of his insecurities and yet openly creates situations that make him vulnerable.

This is a very valuable assessment, and SPMH, you should take note of this. This was what I warned of before, when I said that the attention she gets is attention she begets; seeks and responds to. Before, I only guessed that her insecurities have her eating up the attention she gets, and stn beautifully outlines just how she does it. If this isn't the first time, and she then creates this new situation that puts you in emotional turmoil, it's obvious that attention is more important to her than making sure you feel secure about the relationship.

Again, fully agree. But I'm just unsure its going to work out here. Its just a toxic "relationship" that had warning signs all over it even months ago. I don't even see a relationship, just two insecure people who enjoy having sex with one-another. OP needs to make some changes.

Yeah, I understand. We've assessed the situation the same, we have the same understanding of how it will ultimately go, but we've prescribed two different treatments. We both suggest situation that will prove just how futile the relationship is.

I'm not trying to put him down (though I can certainly see that I'm being a bit rude), but his reaction isn't a one time thing from him. He's had this insecurity from the beginning, as in every time a guy so much as says anything to her, even on social media, would send him into a fit of blind jealously. I can understand him feeling off with her maybe hanging with a guy all the time, *if* she hadn't given a good reason (he's a tattoo artist, and she's clearly getting a tattoo from him, she can't really lie about that), but his reactions in the past to anyone saying anything about her being attractive are way off-kilter, and he has been told that multiple times, by multiple people.

In addition, his flip-flopping on stances is immensely frustrating. I really do want an answer--if he really thinks that she isn't the type to go and have sex with a bunch of men (and backs that up with evidence), then why does he think she's having sex with every guy that says something flirty/attractive to her, or she hangs out with? It doesn't make sense.

And, his utter fixation on the sexual part of the relationship (from past posts and his insecurities with her) really show that he's thinking with his hormones, not with his head. She's not exactly a saint or anything, either, from what I can tell she's extremely dismissive of his feelings and seems to not care about his concerns. It's a terribly toxic relationship from both sides. This isn't something that should continue, judging by the constant drama that he's shown through his post history in this thread. They both even have kids, and as of the last update on that, he had to hide from her kids because of the crazy ex-husband might come to kill him. How does this relationship help him, her, the kids, anyone?

But when most people tell him maybe it's best to break it off, due to the circumstances and his/her attitudes, he brushes it off. And talks about the new bondage gear they bought, and how much it cost, and how awesome it is. Needless to say, I've become frustrated with his drama-filled updates, simply because he's ignoring what's the best solution for his well-being, not even bringing to mind his imperfections/insecurities.

Again, not trying to specifically put him down, but when the problems he's having are becoming a tired pattern, I can't help but be blunt and a bit rude.

I get it. I hope it didn't seem like I said you were out of line. I thought your reaction wasn't suited for the situation, but it is. We've all yelled at people in this thread, for great reasons. It's a good reason to reach through, and you show you have the best intent in mind with doing so. My bad for misinterpreting the situation, and big ups for clearing it up and cluing me in.

The relationship

It's clear that you two are dysfunctional, as it is. I'm not totally able to assess the full situation, since I haven't read the previous things. However, I agree with what the others are saying. It's not that you're too insecure, I want to make that clear. However, you, in combination with this woman, make for something that doesn't work. It might be that everyone couldn't take it, in your situation. A woman that seeks attention from others, returns it, but never acts on it, dismisses that you're bothered by it and keeps creating new situations, in inclusion to probably saying you're wrong with being bothered by it, and that she can't help that guys give her that attention, then you are in for a tough time. The ways you react are detrimental, too. You need to see when you feeling jealous is her sparking your insecurities, as in something she's doing being something you're not comfortable with. That is not the same as her doing something to break your trust. I couldn't, personally, handle being with someone that craved that much attention, but she's got her technicalities on her side. She's not acting on the attention she gets, but it's more important for her to get that, than it is for her to be there for you. I don't think that's something that can be fixed.

With the things you've described from her past, I would seriously recommend a therapist. Those are some horrible things, and she's clearly doing things to you that have emerged from that time. The fact that you shy conflicts makes you two more toxic, because it empowers her way of putting you down. If you stood up for the things you were wrong, without throwing unnecessary much anger into it, you could properly explain to her why it hurts the way she acts, and she might be able to improve how she does things. That's not something that changes overnight, and given the length she was subjected to the abuse, I'd be surprised if she ever can function in a relationship again. It's a sucky thing to say, but it's what all experience tells me.

The others are also right in your over-estimation of the value of your "sexual attraction". It's likely a contrast to all the drama. It's clear that the others are onto something when you get pulled into the drama the way you do. You respond so well to her boosting you, that you become a part of her way of obtaining attention. You could essentially be the guy that beat up other guys that tried to hit on your girlfriend, and the way she ego-boosts you turns into a drug. I'm sure you guys have great sex, but there's little value in that, especially when your life gets into this much shit over this. If you have kids from previous relationships, this will affect them. Is it worth that?

 

[gaiages]

I get it. I hope it didn't seem like I said you were out of line. I thought your reaction wasn't suited for the situation, but it is. We've all yelled at people in this thread, for great reasons. It's a good reason to reach through, and you show you have the best intent in mind with doing so. My bad for misinterpreting the situation, and big ups for clearing it up and cluing me in.

Nah bro it's completely cool <3 As I said, I was a little overly rude in my post as well, so I apologize for that.

 

[Deleted member 529084]

I seem to not have had all the information. This makes all responses seem more inline with what's going on. Happy to be able to discuss the situation with you guys, and take into account that I didn't know this with what I said before



This is a very valuable assessment, and SPMH, you should take note of this. This was what I warned of before, when I said that the attention she gets is attention she begets; seeks and responds to. Before, I only guessed that her insecurities have her eating up the attention she gets, and stn beautifully outlines just how she does it. If this isn't the first time, and she then creates this new situation that puts you in emotional turmoil, it's obvious that attention is more important to her than making sure you feel secure about the relationship.



Yeah, I understand. We've assessed the situation the same, we have the same understanding of how it will ultimately go, but we've prescribed two different treatments. We both suggest situation that will prove just how futile the relationship is.



I get it. I hope it didn't seem like I said you were out of line. I thought your reaction wasn't suited for the situation, but it is. We've all yelled at people in this thread, for great reasons. It's a good reason to reach through, and you show you have the best intent in mind with doing so. My bad for misinterpreting the situation, and big ups for clearing it up and cluing me in.



It's clear that you two are dysfunctional, as it is. I'm not totally able to assess the full situation, since I haven't read the previous things. However, I agree with what the others are saying. It's not that you're too insecure, I want to make that clear. However, you, in combination with this woman, make for something that doesn't work. It might be that everyone couldn't take it, in your situation. A woman that seeks attention from others, returns it, but never acts on it, dismisses that you're bothered by it and keeps creating new situations, in inclusion to probably saying you're wrong with being bothered by it, and that she can't help that guys give her that attention, then you are in for a tough time. The ways you react are detrimental, too. You need to see when you feeling jealous is her sparking your insecurities, as in something she's doing being something you're not comfortable with. That is not the same as her doing something to break your trust. I couldn't, personally, handle being with someone that craved that much attention, but she's got her technicalities on her side. She's not acting on the attention she gets, but it's more important for her to get that, than it is for her to be there for you. I don't think that's something that can be fixed.

With the things you've described from her past, I would seriously recommend a therapist. Those are some horrible things, and she's clearly doing things to you that have emerged from that time. The fact that you shy conflicts makes you two more toxic, because it empowers her way of putting you down. If you stood up for the things you were wrong, without throwing unnecessary much anger into it, you could properly explain to her why it hurts the way she acts, and she might be able to improve how she does things. That's not something that changes overnight, and given the length she was subjected to the abuse, I'd be surprised if she ever can function in a relationship again. It's a sucky thing to say, but it's what all experience tells me.

The others are also right in your over-estimation of the value of your "sexual attraction". It's likely a contrast to all the drama. It's clear that the others are onto something when you get pulled into the drama the way you do. You respond so well to her boosting you, that you become a part of her way of obtaining attention. You could essentially be the guy that beat up other guys that tried to hit on your girlfriend, and the way she ego-boosts you turns into a drug. I'm sure you guys have great sex, but there's little value in that, especially when your life gets into this much shit over this. If you have kids from previous relationships, this will affect them. Is it worth that?

I know...this relationship is dead in the water.

I actually told her just last week I dont think shes able to date me, able to have a serious relationship.
It sucks...cause I did fall in love with her to some degree...

Shes the greatest manipulator Ive ever met, and I know it..Heres some great examples and you guys can laugh up what kind of schmuck I am..

We once broke up and she sent me a screenshot of a guy asking her out, said if I didnt take her back she was going.
She says thats just cause shes spiteful and

We broke up right before a concert. I said I wasnt mad and wouldnt block or delete her from my phone or social media. She asked "Well can I buy the tickets?" I deleted and blocked her for that comment and then she used peoples other accounts/phones to get to me and begged me back.
Again blamed her comment on spite. Said how shes never begged or cried for a man to come back to her.

Not sure if I decribed in an earlier post how Fri/Sat went down.
She told me Fri night around 12am he cancelled coming down for Sat to see her. Said lets make plans and do something.
Sat morning she text me, he changed his mind around 3am and was coming so she scrapped out plans.
I said I was playing second fiddle and was just blown off for him, she says it was plans already set in stone she had to perform cause she had them or a week and was the ride.

Thur night she dropped her phone in a toilet while we were out in the city. Proceeded to cry all night about it cause she had so much work related shit on it and didnt have the money. I was already in a bad mood cause I saw her texting him while we were at one bar.
What did I do? Carried her drunken body a few blocks once she couldnt walk, hold her hair while she puked...bought her a new phone in the morning.

About a month ago, when things got really serious (but still fucked up) she would always say "I want you to control me" She would ask me to make her decisions...I always refused. Now these last 2 weeks have been battles of "I'm controlling and jealous"
During an argument about it I learned I couldnt go out a day we planned cause I found out my son had soccer practice. She responded with "How convenient" then "Fuck you"

Her responses to my text or interaction with me during the days is sparse. But since I'm on my laptop during the day alot I see her pop onto FB messenger all day off and on.
Between 8am and 10am we were discussing the trust issue today. Her last message was "Sorry to change the subject but Im talking to the babysitter, what time will you be picking me up for the concert is you still want me to go that is"
I responded with the time and she said thanks. 3 hours later not a peep from her but I see her pop onto FB over and over.
This isnt random, this is everyday...no response for hours...radio silence..shes on FB posting/liking/messenging all day.

Something I find ODD!
She has 3 kids (2, 4 and 6). She has more free time then I have with 1 teenager.
This week from last...We went out Thur night, Fri, Sat, Sun, and now tonight shes going out again.

3 months together and I estimate I spent 4-5 grand on gifts, meals, odds and end. Paid for the babysitter a few times even

And Ive put up with all this..in the hope it would get better. She says the right things, holds me like I want to be held, boost my ego...and she manipulated my heart right away.


I'm a schmuck, a fool...I know...my first girlfriend in 15 years after losing my wife. I was a vulnerable target for a depressed divorcee looking for a white knight to take her out and show her a good time in the sack and out of it while spending money on her along the way.

 

[luckyboyceo]

Hey y'all, random question.

How long of a travel is too much of a travel for a LDR?
I want to hear from you all while I think some stuff over.

Whatever you're comfortable with. There's no right or wrong answer here. If the timezone differences aren't to difficult to work around, then go for it.

 

[LucidMomentum]

Depends on your preferences? It'll be a LDR either way. If, for example, she lives so far away you'd never be able to see her, then that's bad, but other than that, it's on you to decide.

Whatever you're comfortable with. There's no right or wrong answer here. If the timezone differences aren't to difficult to work around, then go for it.

Yeah, I dated a girl once who got stationed in Japan and that was killer. This one would be more like me going from central California to the coast, which is under a 2 hour drive. It'd make things like dinner dates tough but weekends wouldn't be an issue really.

 

[ZackieChan]

I know...this relationship is dead in the water.

Dude.

Dude.

Get out. This is a toxic relationship for you. She's playing on your insecurities and doing harm to you. It sounds like the only reason you are with her is because she is hot. And you can't even handle that, given your posts from earlier in your relationship.

This is just awful. You're putting yourself and your kid in danger due to the crazy ex. You're doing damage to your confidence and self worth. And you're constantly living on pins and needles because you don't trust her, but are trying to make yourself think you do.

Not one thing you've ever posted in this thread has signaled a healthy relationship. You HAVE to see that!

 

[AcridMeat]

SPMH this is the woman who was going to Puerto Rico (I think?) because she has property there, as well as 2 others? Doesn't have money for a phone?

What a toxic mess that relationship is. I feel bad for her kids.

edit: I didn't offer advice because it'd just be echoing what most everyone else has said already. You still belittle yourself even in this thread despite everyone being on your side and offering help which you continue to ignore.

Just get out man this is clearly not going to work.

 

[gaiages]

Yeah, I dated a girl once who got stationed in Japan and that was killer. This one would be more like me going from central California to the coast, which is under a 2 hour drive. It'd make things like dinner dates tough but weekends wouldn't be an issue really.

Yeah, honestly that doesn't sound too bad, there's been far worse. As long as the two of you make an effort to see each other when possible, then I see no big issues with it :3

 

[Deleted member 529084]

Dude.

Dude.

Get out. This is a toxic relationship for you. She's playing on your insecurities and doing harm to you. It sounds like the only reason you are with her is because she is hot. And you can't even handle that, given your posts from earlier in your relationship.

This is just awful. You're putting yourself and your kid in danger due to the crazy ex. You're doing damage to your confidence and self worth. And you're constantly living on pins and needles because you don't trust her, but are trying to make yourself think you do.

Not one thing you've ever posted in this thread has signaled a healthy relationship. You HAVE to see that!

I'm going to have to do just that tonight.

I know what will happen tho...like I said, I've dumped her maybe 5 times.
She request me doing it in person begs and pleads and demands I come see her and do it to her face...then she starts touching me and saying the right things.
Few hours later were naked and in her bed talking about how we need to stop this fighting, need to be together..

 

[AcridMeat]

You realize the longer this relationship goes the more likely she's gonna hire a hitman for you once it's over.

Spoiler

I'm being facetious but fuck man take a moment to soak in the solid advice in this thread and learn to act with your brain instead of your dick.

 

[Deleted member 529084]

SPMH this is the woman who was going to Puerto Rico (I think?) because she has property there, as well as 2 others? Doesn't have money for a phone?

What a toxic mess that relationship is. I feel bad for her kids.

No she went to Turks. I found out most of her stuff/property is her mothers. Her mother evem financed the trip.

I've found out she has a $2100 a month mortgage and makes around 50k a year. She's been dipping into her savings to make up the difference in her bills now that her husband is gone and is giving almost no support.
I financed a 3 month party pretty much for her. She didn't have to spend a dime, and when she did it was always her credit card from what I saw.

Even her trips to NY for her tattoo, her mother paid for her train ticket and car services to and from stations in NY or to the station from her house.

 

[AcridMeat]

So she's financially irresponsible as well. Get out before you're financially tied down.

 

[ZackieChan]

I'm going to have to do just that tonight.

I know what will happen tho...like I said, I've dumped her maybe 5 times.
She request me doing it in person begs and pleads and demands I come see her and do it to her face...then she starts touching me and saying the right things.
Few hours later were naked and in her bed talking about how we need to stop this fighting, need to be together..

Can you pinpoint the issue? It honestly sounds like you're oblivious.

 

[Salamando]

And she's getting a tattoo done that requires multiple full-day sessions? That's not cheap either...

Bail. Break up with her, block her on everything you can. If she starts using other people's accounts, start a "low tech weekend", or however long you need.

 

[Future PhaZe]

That's the complete opposite attitude you should have. You're not valuing your own time and needs, while being overly concerned about intruding on her life. This is exactly the point of waiting to text back.

Anyway, you shouldn't be having long text convos with girls you aren't involved with. Just surface shit and setting up a date.

nah

i've avoided a lot of strife by getting to see if a girl was or wasn't worth some shit based on trying to have a conversation worth a damn on websites in the past

i'm not about to go out on a date with every woman willing to talk surface shit with me