I'm none of those things. see i dont even know why i even exist. This is why i prefer oblivion, at least i won't feel nothing or want nothing.
Depression
- Thread starter Jea Song
- Start date
- Status
I'm none of those things. see i dont even know why i even exist. This is why i prefer oblivion, at least i won't feel nothing or want nothing.
preferring oblivion doesn't make sense, you cant gauge non existence against existence
have you actually put in any effort to better yourself?
I've been in a very melancholy mood for the past couple weeks. I have a history of clinical depression, so I'm hoping I can get over it before I descend into something worse. I think the monotony of the school year is just getting to me. Plus a general feeling of uncertainty in where I am going with my school career, and a lack of time spent with any of my friends. (They're all usually busy, and I always feel like the third wheel friend that is just there TBH) Sometimes when I get home from class I just sit and stare at the wall for an hour or two, not able to form the energy to actually do anything.
Prax
Member
Give it time! It's a slow process for some people. For me, it was very slow, and it took me a few years (maybe 10 years if I really think about it) to feel comfortable enough to respond to emails, respond to posts, and even talk on the phone to billing companies and stuff without feeling too much anxiety.
From what you're saying, it sounds like progress to me. Keep trying to desensitize yourself, moderate your perspective, and not let your thoughts jump to catastrophic conclusions.
I'm glad that it worked for you too! I was starting to think that maybe I was an odd case, but that didn't make sense when I thought about it. Being too tired to fight myself really is a compelling reason...
I am the type that likes to think of myself as a fighter. Stubborn. Won't give in. Stand my ground. Stick to my principles. Stuff like that. But then I started realizing I was also using those "skills" on myself to keep myself struggling and down. A lose-lose battle if there ever was one. When it really sunk in how much effort I was putting in to that instead of spending it doings something more enjoyable, I began to stop and tried to think of ways to becoming more of my own ally.
It feels like I always kind of "knew" this was what was going on and I had to make peace, but it took a long meandering path to get there and let it sink in. Like you said, I had to arrive at it organically. And it's not perfect. there are tensions in the ah.. "self-alliance" at times, but being diplomatic with myself instead of warring and treason and sabotage is much better. I still rouse myself up occasionally for bursts of activity and ambition (and the inevitable successes and disappointments), but it's much more productive when I don't spend energy to sabotage myself every cycle. I'm still working on my procrastination, which is a form of self-sabotage, but at least I don't need to feel like I should nuke myself to solve it.
But but..! Intellectually intimidating guys are hot??? Maybe it's the vibes you are giving off.
My loose interpretation is that they feel you are judging them or will judge them. I'd say to just try to be nice and more open (and probably not so much a killjoy or elitist snob if you are those things lol).
I know it's difficult, but comparing yourself to others to your detriment (comparing to friends, family, strangers) isn't productive, and you need to lessen that tendency. If you gotta compare, load up on the good stuff instead, because you need to even it out to gain a better perspective.
It'll feel impossible to do in one leap, but taking small steps, making efforts to become your own cheerleader, and feeling a little smug about seemingly trivial accomplishments will help boost your esteem. Importantly, lower your tendency to punish or "correct" yourself for being smug or being positive. Overanalyzing and adding an addendum to positivity when your tendency is to spin negative probably won't work out well. Just keep it simple and cheer on without corrections for small things and build on that.
Example of negative spin addendum:
"I sure pour this tea like a pro *smug*, BUT who really cares about such a useless skill anyway... *overcorrection, now feel bad/humiliated*"
"Oh man, yeah, I typed this whole sentence without making any typos. *yay!* Though it's not really well-worded,and maybe my tone is all wrong, and I sound kind of stupid.. *overanalysis, inward cringe*"
Try instead:
"I sure pour this tea like a pro *smug*, and how. *reiterate smugness*"
"Oh man, yeah, I typed this whole sentence without making any typos. *yay!* I hope my next one is as effortless. *small hope for future results*"
sonikokaruto
Banned
I just found out that alcohol makes me feel better. It feels as if it's lifting a weight of my back 
Mumei was kind enough to put up with my work-in-progress interview skills to talk about his own history with depression. Let me know what you think! If you have additional questions, perhaps the interviewees can pop back in to talk some more.
We talked via IRC, I cleaned up the transcript, and let Mumei redact anything, Nixon-style, he didn't want posted. That's my policy going forward. We can talk about whatever you'd like, but I'll always give you the chance to cut anything you don't want shared with a wider audience.
<gafbagels> So I don't have any grand plans. I want this to be more free form
feel free to ask me counter-questions
we'll just see how it goes and edit for content
For starters, can you say a bit about yourself? a/s/l? Where are you from? What do you do?
<Mumei>: I am 26 and male; I'd rather not say where I live. I was born in California, but I moved when I was very young and don't remember much. I am currently unemployed and don't have a "career" as yet.
<gafbagels> How about interest and hobbies?
(this is all BS background for flavor)
<Mumei>: I enjoy reading, television, occasionally video games, arguing with people on the Internet, and walks! I also enjoy swimming and bike riding, but I don't have a pool nearby nor do I have a bike.
Interests: All sorts of stuff. Animals, politics, sociology, atheism, feminism, humanism, etc.
<gafbageles> Because this is GAF, whats your favorite game?
<Mumei>: StarCraft: Brood War
<gafbagels> Alright, so how about your history with depression? As much or as little as you want to say
<Mumei>: I first had issues with depression when I was ten years old. I began counseling around fifth grade
<gafbagels> how did you know you were depressed?
<Mumei>: I'm not sure I knew
My parents recognized that we were having issues in the family dynamic and I was having particular trouble with it, I think
And I think that my frustrations came out through the counseling process rather than my self-identifying the issue.
<gafbagels> How long did it go on?
<Mumei>: I just sort of realized I was doing the same thing I did when I was in counseling. I would answer the question and not volunteer anything more than I thought was necessary to answer it, and then stop talking. Just sort of amusing realizing I was doing it here
<gafbagels> heh
<Mumei>: Anyway, I think that lasted around two or so years
<gafbagels> So how many years did you live with depression? Or do you think you were depressed at all?
<Mumei>: The issues weren't always the same and sometimes it was just different.
<gafbagels> can you talk about the different issues?
<Mumei>: Initially my depression was about family issues. We had a family dynamic where my younger brother got off on pushing my buttons until I lost my temper and hit him I would get in trouble for this; he would get off scot-free. My parents told me to ignore him or speaking to them if he was being a problem. When I tried this, they told me to work it out. But working out only works if the other party is interested in working something out and isn't more interested in trying to make you crack. So I was feeling frustrated and helpless.
<gafbagels> any other symptoms? Have you heard of SIGECAPS?
<Mumei>: Any other symptoms of what? And no, I have not heard of SIGECAPS.
<gafbagels> depression? that's what the SIGECAPS is for
<Mumei>: Ah. Yes. I don't really remember my depression from 10 - 12 as well
<gafbagels> Sadness [I screwed this up. It's actually Sleep (too much or too little)], (lack of) Interest, Guilt, (lack of) Energy, Concentration problems, Appetite (up or down), Psychomotor (agitation or lethargy), Suicidal thoughts
<Mumei>: Around 13 it stopped being about family issues; we had mostly come to a point where I was dealing with it and he wasn't doing it as much. But around that time I began to be bullied in school over perceived homosexuality and effeminacy. And I had SIGECPS. My appetite didn't change, but I always had low appetite
<gafbagels> Are you gay, if you don't mind me asking? Or was it just bullying?
<Mumei> We wouldn't want to spoil the story now!
<gafbagels> hah
<Mumei>: Actually, I didn't know I was gay at the time; I just assumed I was heterosexual. But after I finally admitted I had a problem with depression and bullying and started seeing a counselor again I started spending a lot of time when talking to my parents about the issue or the counselor or the school counselor saying that I wasn't gay. And it became really, really, really important to me, not necessarily on its own terms but as a rejection of what the bullies had been saying. I realized I was gay around 15, almost 16
<gafbagels> So you saw a counselor. Did you do just talk therapy or did you try meds?
<Mumei>: Well, we talked therapy. It was very difficult because I was deep in the closet; I would talk about other issues relating to my depression or that stemmed from it - issues relating to my appearance or friends or stresses with schools or underperformance in classes or whatever - but I avoided the root cause of these problems. And I tried medication
<gafbagels> which ones? How'd they go?
<Mumei>: Medication generally didn't work, though I suspect this was because my depression had a cause that originated in reality: There was something about myself that I didn't want to be true, that was. I honestly can't remember besides Prozac; it has been almost ten years now
I generally was on them for a relatively short period of time before saying it wasn't for me
<gafbagels> Did you get a lot of support from your family and friends?
<Mumei>: My parents were very supportive about the depression
<gafbagels> what was coming out like? Was it a sudden realization or more gradual?
<Mumei>: I came out when I was 20
My mother was supportive, my father was supportive but a bit stiff about the whole thing. I went to counseling again around 16 - 17 and by 18 I had basically stopped going.
<gafbagels> so when did the suicide attempt happen?
<Mumei>: 16. My 10th anniversary is coming up this year. I should get my mother a cake and then tell her what we're celebrating midway through
<gafbagels> haha
<gafbagels> so tell me about the attempt
<Mumei>: There's not much to it. I took a large number of pills, though not enough to have killed me
My mother found me in the bathroom; I was still crying.
<gafbagels> was it more a cry for attention do you think?
<Mumei>: Yes. I feel like on some level, I thought that my depression had become almost routinized
I had been on and off depressed for years. That I was depressed was not unusual or noteworthy
and I think on some level I felt like no one understood just how badly I was feeling; my inability to sleep, my constant self-loathing. It's strange talking about it now because I realize how much happier I am today. And I can't quite believe that I once felt so terrible so much of the time, but I did.
<gafbagels> so how and when did you overcome depression? Are there still lingering effects?
<Mumei>: Oh, pure will-power. And I recommend it for every other depressed person. No, but seriously.
<gafbagels> okay, i was about to break my keyboard
<Mumei>: I had to troll you at some point
<gafbagels> I was trying to be professional
<Mumei>: (I'm going to see this excised from the transcript)
<gafbagels> it'll be in there
<Mumei>: Hahahaha. Okay, I think that part of it was that there are different kinds of depression.
Sometimes people are depressed for what doesn't appear to be any sort of identifiable reason
Their lives appear to be fine, and even they don't know precisely why they are so miserable.
That wasn't the case for me; I knew why I was depressed and why I had issues with myself.
I guess over time I began dealing with those issues.
<gafbagels> how long did that take?
<Mumei>: By the time I was 18, I felt comfortable enough to do a paper about gay marriage (this was 2004/05) without worrying overmuch about whether someone might suspect something of me
<gafbagels> interesting!
<Mumei>: And writing my own feelings about the issue from the perspective of a gay person, though doing so in a sort of abstracted way (how "a" gay person might feel, rather than myself)
<Mumei>: I also was just beginning to feel more comfortable with myself in terms of other things; I had decided I wasn't a believer around this time
<gafbagels> Switching gears Do you read the Depression thread? (feel free to ignore me and focus on what you think is important)
<Mumei>: I am not a regular reader. I find it, well, depressing.
<gafbagels> haha
<gafbagels> We need to work on that negative branding
<gafbagels> Do you have any advice for people going through what you want through? For Depression-GAF? And especially for Gay Depression-GAF?
<Mumei>: 1. When you try to kill yourself, make sure someone is home and do a half-assed job of it.
2. Have a snarky sense of humor
You know, I really have trouble with this, in all seriousness. I mean, this is the crux of why I don't really post as much. I don't know what to say to people.
<gafbagels> anything hat helped you is of interest
<Mumei>: In my experience, I received every attempt at comfort, at telling me I was actually great as obnoxious.
<gafbagels> you don't have to say "do this!"
<Mumei>: The people that made me happiest were the people who made me forget. Friends in real life, forums online, books, games, etc. People who actually tried to address my depression made it worse. They made me think about my depression, its reasons, and its immutability. You know, I don't think I read any books about depression specifically. I just meant that the escapism that books (or video games) could provide were more of a comfort to me. But that's the thing; they were an escape, they weren't actually dealing with it. I feel like dealing with it was something that just came over time.
<gafbagels> What things didn't help? What should people not do? Or not do for their friends who are depressed?
<Mumei>: I think that depression is something that some people are just prone to. I was having suicidal thoughts earlier this year over my inability to find long-term employment. I was imagining
how badly I was screwing up my life, how I was struggling with things I feel like other people do not, and imagining that the longer I went without finding something, the worse things would look for me until I wouldn't be able to find anything at all. And I was discouraged from even looking in the first place.
And I feel like sometimes I read a post about depression and I think, you're going to have to deal with this. Even if you get past the real depression you are in now, you're going to have times in your life in the future where you really want to just kill yourself and at some point, you just become used to the voice that shows up in those low moments and you ignore it. I know that's precisely NOT what a depressed person needs to hear, though.
<gafbagels> yeah
<Mumei>: "Hey, you might deal with the soul crushing depression, but you'll be liable for flare-ups and you'll still want to kill yourself sometimes!" It's not the cheeriest message. This is why one needs a macabre sense of humor.
<gafbagels> true. Gallows humor is a big part of dealing with the darker parts of medicine.
<Mumei>: hahahaha. I think that simply being there is more than enough. At least, it was for me.
<gafbagels> Anything we haven't touched on that you'd like to address? Any words of wisdom for Depression-GAF?
<gafbagels> Closing statement? you have two minutes sir.
<Mumei>: I don't *think* there's anything else I feel the need to add, though I can always answer other questions
<gafbagels> Great!
<Mumei>: I think I've probably ignored or skipped some things
<gafbagels> nah. i think we covered some good ground
<gafbagels> thanks so much for agreeing to do this
[Miscellaneous notes: I blame my inability to ask good follow-up questions on the fact that we did this at, like, 4AM. Mumei did a fantastic job - send all criticism my way.
I'll definitely work on my interviewing skills.
I thought about calling this "On the Couch with Bagels," but I'm not sure how that sounds.
I have another interview or two lined up. Let me know if you like this project. If there are questions you'd like asked in the future, or topics to cover, let me know. I'm also happy to be interviewed myself if you want to hear my edifying and hi-larious views on depression. Seriously, I'm fucking fascinating!]
Thanks again, Mumei!
We talked via IRC, I cleaned up the transcript, and let Mumei redact anything, Nixon-style, he didn't want posted. That's my policy going forward. We can talk about whatever you'd like, but I'll always give you the chance to cut anything you don't want shared with a wider audience.
<gafbagels> So I don't have any grand plans. I want this to be more free form
feel free to ask me counter-questions
we'll just see how it goes and edit for content
For starters, can you say a bit about yourself? a/s/l? Where are you from? What do you do?
<Mumei>: I am 26 and male; I'd rather not say where I live. I was born in California, but I moved when I was very young and don't remember much. I am currently unemployed and don't have a "career" as yet.
<gafbagels> How about interest and hobbies?
(this is all BS background for flavor)
<Mumei>: I enjoy reading, television, occasionally video games, arguing with people on the Internet, and walks! I also enjoy swimming and bike riding, but I don't have a pool nearby nor do I have a bike.
Interests: All sorts of stuff. Animals, politics, sociology, atheism, feminism, humanism, etc.
<gafbageles> Because this is GAF, whats your favorite game?
<Mumei>: StarCraft: Brood War
<gafbagels> Alright, so how about your history with depression? As much or as little as you want to say
<Mumei>: I first had issues with depression when I was ten years old. I began counseling around fifth grade
<gafbagels> how did you know you were depressed?
<Mumei>: I'm not sure I knew
My parents recognized that we were having issues in the family dynamic and I was having particular trouble with it, I think
And I think that my frustrations came out through the counseling process rather than my self-identifying the issue.
<gafbagels> How long did it go on?
<Mumei>: I just sort of realized I was doing the same thing I did when I was in counseling. I would answer the question and not volunteer anything more than I thought was necessary to answer it, and then stop talking. Just sort of amusing realizing I was doing it here
<gafbagels> heh
<Mumei>: Anyway, I think that lasted around two or so years
<gafbagels> So how many years did you live with depression? Or do you think you were depressed at all?
<Mumei>: The issues weren't always the same and sometimes it was just different.
<gafbagels> can you talk about the different issues?
<Mumei>: Initially my depression was about family issues. We had a family dynamic where my younger brother got off on pushing my buttons until I lost my temper and hit him I would get in trouble for this; he would get off scot-free. My parents told me to ignore him or speaking to them if he was being a problem. When I tried this, they told me to work it out. But working out only works if the other party is interested in working something out and isn't more interested in trying to make you crack. So I was feeling frustrated and helpless.
<gafbagels> any other symptoms? Have you heard of SIGECAPS?
<Mumei>: Any other symptoms of what? And no, I have not heard of SIGECAPS.
<gafbagels> depression? that's what the SIGECAPS is for
<Mumei>: Ah. Yes. I don't really remember my depression from 10 - 12 as well
<gafbagels> Sadness [I screwed this up. It's actually Sleep (too much or too little)], (lack of) Interest, Guilt, (lack of) Energy, Concentration problems, Appetite (up or down), Psychomotor (agitation or lethargy), Suicidal thoughts
<Mumei>: Around 13 it stopped being about family issues; we had mostly come to a point where I was dealing with it and he wasn't doing it as much. But around that time I began to be bullied in school over perceived homosexuality and effeminacy. And I had SIGECPS. My appetite didn't change, but I always had low appetite
<gafbagels> Are you gay, if you don't mind me asking? Or was it just bullying?
<Mumei> We wouldn't want to spoil the story now!
<gafbagels> hah
<Mumei>: Actually, I didn't know I was gay at the time; I just assumed I was heterosexual. But after I finally admitted I had a problem with depression and bullying and started seeing a counselor again I started spending a lot of time when talking to my parents about the issue or the counselor or the school counselor saying that I wasn't gay. And it became really, really, really important to me, not necessarily on its own terms but as a rejection of what the bullies had been saying. I realized I was gay around 15, almost 16
<gafbagels> So you saw a counselor. Did you do just talk therapy or did you try meds?
<Mumei>: Well, we talked therapy. It was very difficult because I was deep in the closet; I would talk about other issues relating to my depression or that stemmed from it - issues relating to my appearance or friends or stresses with schools or underperformance in classes or whatever - but I avoided the root cause of these problems. And I tried medication
<gafbagels> which ones? How'd they go?
<Mumei>: Medication generally didn't work, though I suspect this was because my depression had a cause that originated in reality: There was something about myself that I didn't want to be true, that was. I honestly can't remember besides Prozac; it has been almost ten years now
I generally was on them for a relatively short period of time before saying it wasn't for me
<gafbagels> Did you get a lot of support from your family and friends?
<Mumei>: My parents were very supportive about the depression
<gafbagels> what was coming out like? Was it a sudden realization or more gradual?
<Mumei>: I came out when I was 20
My mother was supportive, my father was supportive but a bit stiff about the whole thing. I went to counseling again around 16 - 17 and by 18 I had basically stopped going.
<gafbagels> so when did the suicide attempt happen?
<Mumei>: 16. My 10th anniversary is coming up this year. I should get my mother a cake and then tell her what we're celebrating midway through
<gafbagels> haha
<gafbagels> so tell me about the attempt
<Mumei>: There's not much to it. I took a large number of pills, though not enough to have killed me
My mother found me in the bathroom; I was still crying.
<gafbagels> was it more a cry for attention do you think?
<Mumei>: Yes. I feel like on some level, I thought that my depression had become almost routinized
I had been on and off depressed for years. That I was depressed was not unusual or noteworthy
and I think on some level I felt like no one understood just how badly I was feeling; my inability to sleep, my constant self-loathing. It's strange talking about it now because I realize how much happier I am today. And I can't quite believe that I once felt so terrible so much of the time, but I did.
<gafbagels> so how and when did you overcome depression? Are there still lingering effects?
<Mumei>: Oh, pure will-power. And I recommend it for every other depressed person. No, but seriously.
<gafbagels> okay, i was about to break my keyboard
<Mumei>: I had to troll you at some point
<gafbagels> I was trying to be professional
<Mumei>: (I'm going to see this excised from the transcript)
<gafbagels> it'll be in there
<Mumei>: Hahahaha. Okay, I think that part of it was that there are different kinds of depression.
Sometimes people are depressed for what doesn't appear to be any sort of identifiable reason
Their lives appear to be fine, and even they don't know precisely why they are so miserable.
That wasn't the case for me; I knew why I was depressed and why I had issues with myself.
I guess over time I began dealing with those issues.
<gafbagels> how long did that take?
<Mumei>: By the time I was 18, I felt comfortable enough to do a paper about gay marriage (this was 2004/05) without worrying overmuch about whether someone might suspect something of me
<gafbagels> interesting!
<Mumei>: And writing my own feelings about the issue from the perspective of a gay person, though doing so in a sort of abstracted way (how "a" gay person might feel, rather than myself)
<Mumei>: I also was just beginning to feel more comfortable with myself in terms of other things; I had decided I wasn't a believer around this time
<gafbagels> Switching gears Do you read the Depression thread? (feel free to ignore me and focus on what you think is important)
<Mumei>: I am not a regular reader. I find it, well, depressing.
<gafbagels> haha
<gafbagels> We need to work on that negative branding
<gafbagels> Do you have any advice for people going through what you want through? For Depression-GAF? And especially for Gay Depression-GAF?
<Mumei>: 1. When you try to kill yourself, make sure someone is home and do a half-assed job of it.
2. Have a snarky sense of humor
You know, I really have trouble with this, in all seriousness. I mean, this is the crux of why I don't really post as much. I don't know what to say to people.
<gafbagels> anything hat helped you is of interest
<Mumei>: In my experience, I received every attempt at comfort, at telling me I was actually great as obnoxious.
<gafbagels> you don't have to say "do this!"
<Mumei>: The people that made me happiest were the people who made me forget. Friends in real life, forums online, books, games, etc. People who actually tried to address my depression made it worse. They made me think about my depression, its reasons, and its immutability. You know, I don't think I read any books about depression specifically. I just meant that the escapism that books (or video games) could provide were more of a comfort to me. But that's the thing; they were an escape, they weren't actually dealing with it. I feel like dealing with it was something that just came over time.
<gafbagels> What things didn't help? What should people not do? Or not do for their friends who are depressed?
<Mumei>: I think that depression is something that some people are just prone to. I was having suicidal thoughts earlier this year over my inability to find long-term employment. I was imagining
how badly I was screwing up my life, how I was struggling with things I feel like other people do not, and imagining that the longer I went without finding something, the worse things would look for me until I wouldn't be able to find anything at all. And I was discouraged from even looking in the first place.
And I feel like sometimes I read a post about depression and I think, you're going to have to deal with this. Even if you get past the real depression you are in now, you're going to have times in your life in the future where you really want to just kill yourself and at some point, you just become used to the voice that shows up in those low moments and you ignore it. I know that's precisely NOT what a depressed person needs to hear, though.
<gafbagels> yeah
<Mumei>: "Hey, you might deal with the soul crushing depression, but you'll be liable for flare-ups and you'll still want to kill yourself sometimes!" It's not the cheeriest message. This is why one needs a macabre sense of humor.
<gafbagels> true. Gallows humor is a big part of dealing with the darker parts of medicine.
<Mumei>: hahahaha. I think that simply being there is more than enough. At least, it was for me.
<gafbagels> Anything we haven't touched on that you'd like to address? Any words of wisdom for Depression-GAF?
<gafbagels> Closing statement? you have two minutes sir.
<Mumei>: I don't *think* there's anything else I feel the need to add, though I can always answer other questions
<gafbagels> Great!
<Mumei>: I think I've probably ignored or skipped some things
<gafbagels> nah. i think we covered some good ground
<gafbagels> thanks so much for agreeing to do this
[Miscellaneous notes: I blame my inability to ask good follow-up questions on the fact that we did this at, like, 4AM. Mumei did a fantastic job - send all criticism my way.
I'll definitely work on my interviewing skills.
I thought about calling this "On the Couch with Bagels," but I'm not sure how that sounds.
I have another interview or two lined up. Let me know if you like this project. If there are questions you'd like asked in the future, or topics to cover, let me know. I'm also happy to be interviewed myself if you want to hear my edifying and hi-larious views on depression. Seriously, I'm fucking fascinating!]
Thanks again, Mumei!
I don't know how to make friends. I can never move past the friendly acquaintance stage. There's nothing interesting or worthwhile in me, I have no idea why anyone would ever want to get to know me (I sure as hell wouldn't want to be my friend), and I usually think I'm bothering people when I speak. I think I'm being a bother just by bumping this thread. It's like I'm an intruder everywhere I go.
A professor I've been working with has been taking me out to dinner with a few other students over the last few weeks in what seems like an attempt to show me some charity and help me get to know some good people, but my conversational skills are TERRIBLE and the other students are very comfortable with each other and never really speak directly to me. I do contribute to the discussion, but it feels so forced, fake, and unwelcome. I'm so immature compared to these people, I really don't have anything to offer them.
This professor keeps telling me that I'm so strange, very obviously lonely, somehow childish and world weary at the same time, and generally uncomfortable to be around. She doesn't believe me when I tell her I've been going to therapy for three years for depression (which she doesn't believe I have, she said I would have killed myself by now). Yet she keeps taking me out to dinner, bringing me lunches, calling me to check up on me, offering me projects, looking for possible job openings that would fit me, and offering to take me grocery shopping (she wants to see what kind of food I typically buy...then throw my choices out, pick out new groceries, and pay for them herself). She tells me she hates emotional and dramatic people, yet she picks at me and wants me to bear my soul to her. I just don't understand what she wants from me or why she continues to bother with me at all (I'm a lady and she's straight, so it's not some kind of manipulative romantic pursuit). She's wasting her money and time on me when it's clear I'm just going to disappoint her.
All of this seems like petty bullshit when it's written down. Self-worth issues everywhere. When I start entertaining suicidal ideas, I'm usually entirely convinced I don't deserve to live and that I'm a burden to everyone around me - I don't actually want to die, but in my mind it seems like it would make everyone so much happier. Luckily my therapist helped me adopt a cat two years ago, and having a pet depend on me helps pull me back to reality when I start going all catastrophic.
A professor I've been working with has been taking me out to dinner with a few other students over the last few weeks in what seems like an attempt to show me some charity and help me get to know some good people, but my conversational skills are TERRIBLE and the other students are very comfortable with each other and never really speak directly to me. I do contribute to the discussion, but it feels so forced, fake, and unwelcome. I'm so immature compared to these people, I really don't have anything to offer them.
This professor keeps telling me that I'm so strange, very obviously lonely, somehow childish and world weary at the same time, and generally uncomfortable to be around. She doesn't believe me when I tell her I've been going to therapy for three years for depression (which she doesn't believe I have, she said I would have killed myself by now). Yet she keeps taking me out to dinner, bringing me lunches, calling me to check up on me, offering me projects, looking for possible job openings that would fit me, and offering to take me grocery shopping (she wants to see what kind of food I typically buy...then throw my choices out, pick out new groceries, and pay for them herself). She tells me she hates emotional and dramatic people, yet she picks at me and wants me to bear my soul to her. I just don't understand what she wants from me or why she continues to bother with me at all (I'm a lady and she's straight, so it's not some kind of manipulative romantic pursuit). She's wasting her money and time on me when it's clear I'm just going to disappoint her.
All of this seems like petty bullshit when it's written down. Self-worth issues everywhere. When I start entertaining suicidal ideas, I'm usually entirely convinced I don't deserve to live and that I'm a burden to everyone around me - I don't actually want to die, but in my mind it seems like it would make everyone so much happier. Luckily my therapist helped me adopt a cat two years ago, and having a pet depend on me helps pull me back to reality when I start going all catastrophic.
Collete
Member
Wow, Mumei I didn't realize this all happened.
I know Depression GAF is not the cheeriest of things at times, I know it's not for me.
However, we are just people like everyone else, we just have some other baggage to deal with.
I tried at one point not to post in Depression GAF because I was scared of what people might think.
Then I just realized, hell with people, if I need help, I'll ask for it.
People can think whatever they want but at the end of the day, it matters how I see myself, not what others see.
*/rant*
Reading the interview, I assume you aren't like this anymore (since it apparently lasted two years?) , and makes everyone else hopeful there's another life waiting after depression
Wow, Mumei I didn't realize this all happened.
I know Depression GAF is not the cheeriest of things at times, I know it's not for me.
However, we are just people like everyone else, we just have some other baggage to deal with.
I tried at one point not to post in Depression GAF because I was scared of what people might think.
Then I just realized, hell with people, if I need help, I'll ask for it.
People can think whatever they want but at the end of the day, it matters how I see myself, not what others see.
*/rant*
Reading the interview, I assume you aren't like this anymore (since it apparently lasted two years?) , and makes everyone else hopeful there's another life waiting after depression
Mumei let me know he's glad to answer follow-up questions. HE said he doesn't read this thread much, so if you post your questions for him here, I can compile them and conduct a little extra interview.
Comments and criticisms (of me, not Mumei!) are much appreciated! I hope these interviews are interesting/helpful!
Wow, Mumei I didn't realize this all happened.
I know Depression GAF is not the cheeriest of things at times, I know it's not for me.
However, we are just people like everyone else, we just have some other baggage to deal with.
I tried at one point not to post in Depression GAF because I was scared of what people might think.
Then I just realized, hell with people, if I need help, I'll ask for it.
People can think whatever they want but at the end of the day, it matters how I see myself, not what others see.
*/rant*
Reading the interview, I assume you aren't like this anymore (since it apparently lasted two years?) , and makes everyone else hopeful there's another life waiting after depression
Hey, Oomikami. I do read the thread intermittently, but I'm not what I would call a regular reader.
And it actually lasted off and on for around seven or eight years; I would have my low periods that would last for months to years, followed by periods where I was just having low self-esteem and generally disliking myself but not actually depressed, and then some new (perceived) personal crisis would come about and I would go into a depression again. Nowadays I still sometimes have "low" periods (e.g. suicidal ideation), but they tend to be brief and not as intense as they once were, and certainly not long enough to be considered a depression.
Collete
Member
Ah OK, that's fine, wasn't asking you to be a regular reader if that's how it came off, was just throwing my two cents.
My apologies.
Well that's good at least you're better than before.
Even though it's not as bad as before and stuff still happens, just remember we're all wishing you the best in your life.
We're all here for you!
DarkChronic
Member
Going through a strange episode of this myself the past week or two!
Started about a month or two ago when I noticed a weird bump on my tongue. Freaked out, thought it was cancer...eventually got to a specialist and had them perform a biopsy....came back negative. Most likely scar tissue that didn't heal properly when I bit my tongue.
Now for the past week I've been getting headaches and muscle tension in my neck. Freaked out, thought it was a brain tumor. After doing more research, it's most likely TMJ (my jaw clicks), so I'll probably head to the dentist within the next week to get it checked out and hopefully get a night guard. I used to grind my teeth when I was younger, and I think all the stress lately has me doing it again at night, causing the symptoms to flare up.
Anyway, since I kept thinking had various forms of cancer, I've been getting major panic/anxiety attacks. Got myself sick and threw up the other night thinking I had brain cancer.
Feeling much better today. The trick is trying to relax and not let it overtake your mind. It's difficult at times, but I found hot showers and just relaxing in bed helps the most.
scar tissue
Banned
Well, seems like my depression's back. SIGECAPS (never heard of this before, lol) is in full effect. Hooray.
General stress at university (exams and presentations coming up) is a probable cause.
Plus, I feel kinda lonely lately, which is my own fault.
Basically, hanging out with friends is stressful for me thanks to social anxiety (although it's still fun), and if I have a lot of stressful shit at university going on, I tend to avoid my friends, which makes me feel lonely, which fuels depression even more. Rainy weather isn't helping either.
Had some thoughts about how I might be better off dead on the train today. Not going to kill myself, but I sure wished I just wouldn't wake up tomorrow.
Did some pull-ups when I got home, started feeling a bit better. Not much tho.
Yeah, fuck life.
General stress at university (exams and presentations coming up) is a probable cause.
Plus, I feel kinda lonely lately, which is my own fault.
Basically, hanging out with friends is stressful for me thanks to social anxiety (although it's still fun), and if I have a lot of stressful shit at university going on, I tend to avoid my friends, which makes me feel lonely, which fuels depression even more. Rainy weather isn't helping either.
Had some thoughts about how I might be better off dead on the train today. Not going to kill myself, but I sure wished I just wouldn't wake up tomorrow.
Did some pull-ups when I got home, started feeling a bit better. Not much tho.
Yeah, fuck life.
Pretty much same feelings. Exams coming up which exacerbates stress, feelings of lonliness. But I'm not really depressed per se. After exams I have a lot events coming up to look forward to. But even though I always get good grades, I always fear failing, so I tend to overcompensate by studying too much. I am doing a student exchange at Erasmus University at the moment which is making me more nervous. How hard do they grade here? I mean my home university is hardly prestigious. But anyway, this is just silly over thought anxiety. I just needed a place to vent.
scar tissue
Banned
Stopped taking my meds a long time ago. Best decision of my life.
If you think you can cope without medication, give it a try. Talk to your doctor/shrink first tho.
I went cold turkey and it worked for me, but I was on rather light medication and lucked out.
I've been trying to get better with no medication for like 6months, got discouraged and took up my docs offer to try drugs. Don't really see how a drug can fix my problems though...
there's a pipe in my bathroom that works as a pullup bar, i try to do ten pullups every time i use the terlet.
N
NinjaFridge
Unconfirmed Member
It isn't that they fix the problem, they make it so you are better able to deal with and fix the problems yourself.
There is nothing wrong with taking medication, if anything, avoiding them because of stigma is the wrong thing. Besides a week isn't long enough to make a decision about its effectiveness. Medication can take several weeks before you notice a change, sometimes even up to a month.
90% of medicine is memorizing stupid mnemonics and acronyms.
Post-partum check - The B's:
1. Blues (postpartum depression)
2. Breast/bottle
3. Belly
4. Bottom - bleeding
5. Bladder
6. Bowels
7. Boinking/Birth control
8. Baby
9. Back to work
But they don't really. I'm starting to believe all these medications are nothing but sugar pills. i could take 4 of them and i am no better than i was an hour ago, i could take them for a month and i am no better than i was 2 months ago.
i really should stop reading that gf thread really fucks up my mood. I really should just kill myself on thanksgiving.
I've had plenty of people volunteer to be ineptly interviewed by me. I'll have another one up as soon as it's edited and the interviewee looks it over.
I really need some feedback. Is this at all useful or interesting? Are there things I shouls be asking about that I'm not? Please let me know here or via PM.
Thanks!
I really need some feedback. Is this at all useful or interesting? Are there things I shouls be asking about that I'm not? Please let me know here or via PM.
Thanks!
What kind of medication could work well for anxiety and slight depression? I've tried all sorts of SSRIs (including Zoloft for 3 years) and while they reduce anxiety it's no good. I'm too unstable and vulnerable on them. Bad events could trigger extreme depression at times and I'd randomly get a severe anxiety attack twice a year. I quit 8 months ago and haven't had any extreme lows or anxiety attacks, but I still need medication to get my life in order.
I've seen a psychiatrist last week and she didn't want to suggest anything other than SSRIs. She did want to prescribe me Zoloft despite knowing about my bad experience with it for 3 years (it was pretty good overall but it made me emotionally unstable). I couldn't try sedatives because they're addictive which I can understand, but it's hard for me to believe that SSRIs are the only option. Is there really nothing else I can try?
I've seen a psychiatrist last week and she didn't want to suggest anything other than SSRIs. She did want to prescribe me Zoloft despite knowing about my bad experience with it for 3 years (it was pretty good overall but it made me emotionally unstable). I couldn't try sedatives because they're addictive which I can understand, but it's hard for me to believe that SSRIs are the only option. Is there really nothing else I can try?
Sorry but if you say alcohol you're an idiot
yeah, it sucks they dont like prescribing drugs that actually WORK EVERY TIME anymore..
OpinionatedCyborg
Member
Have you tried Wellbutrin or Remeron? The latter will likely cause you to gain weight, but it works very well, has a good side effect profile, starts working much faster than most, and is often used effectively for treatment-resistant depression.
There are other options, two of which I mentioned above (wellbutrin not so much). mirtazapine (Remeron) is fantastic, good for treatment resistant depression, anxiety, and insomnia. The biggest problem for most with Remeron is weight gain, not because it affects metabolism but because it causes carb cravings and increases appetite. Mention to your psychiatrist that you are interested in an atypical antidepressant because SSRIs have had intolerable side effects and haven't been therapeutic for you and see what she says. There are a lot of good options available.
If it's addictive and you have to keep upping your dose to get the same effect then it's not the best option. I need a long term solution.
She did suggest Wellbutrin. I thought that I had tried it before and it caused suicidal thoughts, but I found out that was Sulpiride, not Wellbutrin.
So maybe I should try Wellbutrin? I've had good enough experience with stimulants like Concerta to suspect that my anxiety is more related to dopamine instead of serotonin. Stimulants are really not an option though, I hate the side effects.
im already fat so i will avoid that medication.
I'll ask my doctor about sulpidide, if it can push me to suicide it cannot be all bad.
Sub_Level
wants to fuck an Asian grill.
This so much.
You might think that by doing this you're rationalizing things to suit your own emotional needs. But as a depressed person, seeing the brighter side is actually more times than not seeing reality, not rationalizing.
And if the brighter side isn't that bright then you need to try and take to steps to fix that. Family, friends, meds, and therapy help but all of them need to be met half-way. Be strong, you can punch just as hard as life
Well shit, there's a pretty obtainable goal right there! Get un-fat! Tips:
*Cardio helps. Just walk if you want to. Take some music, walk your dog if you have one.
*Cut sodas out. Switch to water.
*Get whey protein in you. And get protein elsewhere, helps ya lost weight. General rule of thumb is to try and meet your weight (A 250 pound person might strive to get 250 grams of protein a day. Not easy, but certainly not impossible.) Heck just get familiar with macronutrients.
*Don't stop eating
To lose weight you should still get a certain number of calories per day. Of course you need to limit them as well. I believe it's 1.2 - 1.4 times your bodyweight (I weigh 145 so I would consume around 1650 calories a day to lose weight. You can get a lot of food in 1650 calories!) http://scoobysworkshop.com/calorie-calculator/Without going on a crazy workout routine or diet you can lose plenty of weight. No fuckin' diet pills or low-fat bagels (which aren't even good for losing weight btw) or whatever. Just watching your basic nutrition.
I told her that and she couldn't think of anything other than SSRIs.
Why is Wellburtin not so much an option?
i understand why they dont like giving them out like candy anymore, but its kinda frustrating to me none the less. i was on benzos for a long time, and my anxiety was pretty much always under control, and i never felt like i had to increase my dose to get that desired effect. then i move, switch doctors and she's like "we gotta get you off that shit its heinous!!!" or whatever. i take wellbutrin now, i exercise a lot, drink less, and my anxiety isn't an issue most of the time. i don't know if i can attribute it to the medication or lifestyle changes that i've made, but there are some days (not very often) when i wake up and i feel weird and anxious as fuck, dont want to get out of bed or talk to anybody or do anything, and i suffer for most of that day. that never happened when i was taking benzos every day.
ps, this is me sharing more of my personal shit than i normally do on gaf
OpinionatedCyborg
Member
wellbutrin actually causes weight loss for some, so that could be an option for you.
it can worsen anxiety in some cases (but it can help it in others). actually, don't listen to anything I am saying because I do not know enough about your unique situation and needs. my only advice is to bring up atypical antidepressants like the ones I've mentioned and see what your doctor has to say. if your doctor tries to put you back on a drug you've used in the past that didn't work for you, was intolerable, or both then you may need to find a different doctor that listens to your concerns instead of following his or her preconceived notions.
The SNRIs are gaining popularity for combined depression/anxiety treatment - Venlafaxine (Effexor - generic available), Desvenlafaxine (Pristiq), or Duloxetine (Cymbalta). They're all also used for chronic pain.
Lexapro is an SSRI recommended for anxiety.
This so much.
Well shit, there's a pretty obtainable goal right there! Get un-fat! Tips:
*Cardio helps. Just walk if you want to. Take some music, walk your dog if you have one.
*Cut sodas out. Switch to water.
*Get whey protein in you. And get protein elsewhere, helps ya lost weight. General rule of thumb is to try and meet your weight (A 250 pound person might strive to get 250 grams of protein a day. Not easy, but certainly not impossible.) Heck just get familiar with macronutrients.
*Don't stop eating
Without going on a crazy workout routine or diet you can lose plenty of weight. No fuckin' diet pills or low-fat bagels (which aren't even good for losing weight btw) or whatever. Just watching your basic nutrition.
Weight loss won't help me. Guys I like wont even look at me thin or fat
(I'll be trying out different awful titles with each interview. Collect them all!)
(There's some silly banter at the beginning here. Skip ahead to the bolded part for the actual interview)
(Our intrepid interviewer left for an hour nap at 3:00 and reappeared at 7:00)
GAF Bagels: I was going strong and then I just...passed out
Oomi kami: yeah I figured, I can imagine night shifts can do that to you, so I'm not mad at all =p
GAF Bagels: I was hoping for a really hostile interview
Oomi kami: ahaha, I'm not that type to take out my anger on people like that XD
At most i would apologize continuously and even that can be a great annoyance =P
Oomi kami: Your avatar reminds me of that therapist cartoon...can't recall it but i remember watching it before years ago)
GAF Bagels: Dr. Katz!
Oomi kami: are you aspiring to be a psychologist, if I may ask?
GAF Bagels: Psychiatrist!
Oomi kami: ah nice to see another addition to the field!
GAF Bagels: I've got a nice Freudian beard and everything
Oomi kami: ha awesome XD
Oomi kami: but wait, if i remember correctly didn't you work in a hospital?
GAF Bagels: I do! I'm in medical school.
Oomi kami: eh? but aren't psychiatrist not allowed to prescribe medicine?
GAF Bagels: Psychiatrists are MDs, Psychologists aren't. Common mistake
Oomi kami: ah i see....so much for my psych degree being put to use =_=
GAF Bagels: I knew a few psych majors who went to my med school. Plus, the two fields work together a lot
Oomi kami: yeah true. Hopefully there won't be more dumb psychiatrists going to the field, had enough with them lol
GAF Bagels: true. The good ones are amazing; the bad ones are dangerous
Oomi kami: yeah i went to the bad one unfortunately, I havent been back since cause of it.
Oomi kami: horrid people that really don't give a fudge about you
Oomi kami: hm
Oomi kami: i think a feel a bit better now that i talked coincidentally
GAF Bagels: haha
GAF Bagels: I'm just that good
Oomi kami: more like good getting mind off of it, and i just don't want to think about it anymore =p
GAF Bagels: Okay, beginning for realsies
GAF Bagels: So tell us a little bit about yourself. How old are you, where do you live (in general), what do you do?
Oomi kami: I'm 21 and for now I'm a student at a university studying Psychology, but I rather not be in this field. My real passion is writing novels.
GAF Bagels: Cool! What kind of novels?
Oomi kami: Fantasy novels but I'm not very good at it unfortunately. I'm trying to self-teach myself on how to do this.
GAF Bagels: Any favorite authors to recommend?
Oomi kami: Tolkien obviously, Patrick Rothfuss' work is pretty nice. Though unfortunately I haven't had time to read much
GAF Bagels: Since this is GAF, I have to ask about your favorite game(s)
Oomi kami: Okami
GAF Bagels: Good choice!
Oomi kami: can't really think of anything else
Oomi kami: and why thank you!
GAF Bagels: Now that I've put you at ease, here's where I pounce - tell us about your story with depression. As much or as little as you want to say. Start wherever you'd like. How did you first know you were depressed, for example?
Oomi kami: It actually took me a very long time to acknowledge I had depression. I first thought I was just being immature. However my boyfriend saw that I had depression and started to tell me about it. I denied thinking it was for crazy people. I was like that all throughout high school I think. When I finally acknowledged it was when I went out to college on my own where there was free therapy available, so around that time I realized I actually had issues that needed to be taken care of
GAF Bagels: I should have asked - are you a guy or a girl?
Oomi kami: girl
GAF Bagels: wait.
GAF Bagels: what?
Oomi kami: ?
GAF Bagels: you just blew this interview wide open!
Oomi kami: i did?
GAF Bagels: I thought GAF was all guys
GAF Bagels: kidding
Oomi kami: haha no there's girl members of depression gaf as well i think lol
GAF Bagels: I'm biased because all of the Depression-GAF people I talk to are gay
GAF Bagels: not sure why
Oomi kami: Nah it's normal to assume, I think all of us are guilty of that assumption!
Oomi kami: But yeah, last I checked I am female
GAF Bagels: It's good to be sure
Oomi kami: true
GAF Bagels: Okay, derail over. So what did you initially do for your depression? Before that, what symptoms did you have?
Oomi kami: I don't remember clearly from the way past, but I believe I was suicidal constantly, I would try to kill myself practically every week or every day. I was sad and angry very frequently and had instances where I actually went out of my way to drive off to places thinking "This is it, I'm going to die from this heat, and that's the end."
GAF Bagels: Wow. Have you ever heard that women attempt suicide more often, but men are more often successful?
GAF Bagels: That may be changing
Oomi kami: Yes, learned that from psychology classes unfortunately. I believe females are more likely to attempt as a cry of help. And men are successful because they need to have "guts" if I remember correctly. But back to the other question What I did initially do for my depression was I went to the therapy on campus, but it was really messed up. I had a therapist who was actually a Psych intern and it threw me off mentally because he left shortly in about 10 months. I was then transferred to the head therapy therapist; she was nice but she really didn't help as much. (Sometimes it helped but not often)
GAF Bagels: Was it talk therapy or did you try meds too?
Oomi kami: I did both. Once my old therapist left I went into a psychiatrist that prescribed celexa I think it was called. It was horrible, I lost sleep and I went insane, so I went off of it. Also the fact that 40 dollars a session with that psychiatrist was just a waste of money because she literally did not give two fucks about me
GAF Bagels: I went nuts on a Wellbutrin Celexa combo. High five!
Oomi kami: woo..i think!
GAF Bagels: heh. So what did you do after that?
Oomi kami:I actually was closing in near my therapy limit of 40 sessions per student before I was kicked out of my clinic. After that, I was in abusive friendships constantly, almost never stopping. Every male friend I ever was making (that was new, not old) tried to get with me and somehow used the fact I was depressed and not right state of mind to persuade me to end my own relationship with my current boyfriend.
GAF Bagels: yikes
Oomi kami: Yeah I slashed myself everyday just cursing my own existence. Was very dark time in my life.
Oomi kami: Boyfriend is ridiculously patient with me so I'm grateful I still have him even though he knows I'm depressed.
GAF Bagels: that's great
Oomi kami: yeah. After that it was actually OK, my friendships were stable for about a year I think? Until three ex-best friends decided to blame me for being a jerk and left me on the very same day.
GAF Bagels: I know it's hard to deal with depressed people (I'm depressed and I don't like being around them), but boy do you learn who your true friends are when you bottom out
Oomi kami: yeah, now I'm friends with people I never thought I would be in years. But I'm thankful they are actually decent people that aren't scum bags.
GAF Bagels: Can you talk more about your support system? Family, friends, BF? What do they do that helps? Are there things that don't help?
Oomi kami: Family: oh that's a good one. My family doesn't understand that I'm depressed and 100% believe I don't have issues or depression. Which is humorous because I took them to my second therapist, and even that made things worse. So they aren't exactly the most reliable people to tell about how I feel. They just see me as being a spoilt brat, which is partly why I felt for the longest time that I'm the one to blame, that it's my fault.
Friends: I have 2-3 best friends that I can say support me. Some aren't sure how to deal with me, but they are pretty reliable if I need to vent to someone. Couldn't have anyone better to be frank.
Boyfriend: He is supportive over me getting help and listens to me when I'm horribly depressed.
[Failed attempt at a metaphor by me. Redacted]
GAF Bagels: Have you ever gone into the hospital?
Oomi kami: Honestly I would have admitted myself. But I can't because I literally have no funds to go to a decent one. I hear horrible stories of people dying shortly after going there because it just makes things worse.
GAF Bagels: yikes. It really depends on the hospital/what your insurance is like
Oomi kami: I have insurance but they won't cover it if I remember correctly. Even then I don't have enough to cover rest of the funds on my own unfortunately.
GAF Bagels: God bless America
Oomi kami: lol yeah. shitty system but not gonna derail to that heh.
GAF Bagels: good idea
Oomi kami: But yeah after the whole ex-friend thing happened, I've been pretty much trying to treat myself, which is REALLY tricky when you're surrounded by people in reality that don't give two fucks that you're having a meltdown. However I have been making slow progress, I'm not trying to kill myself every day. At most those things comes once a month or a week if at most
GAF Bagels: Glad to hear it!
Oomi kami: yeah but I have a far way to go unfortunately without any real therapy, but I do my best to keep optimistic even though I know I'm not at all.
GAF Bagels: You obviously read the Depression thread. Does it provide any help?
Oomi kami: sometimes it does, I feel like I can talk to people and my issues. There are very nice caring people in Depression GAF.
GAF Bagels: Two questions: do you have any advice for other Depression-GAFfers and are there things you'd like to hear about from other people living with depression?
Oomi kami: Find a friend that will listen to you. I swear, if I didn't have my friends now, I wouldn't be getting any progress (even if it is .0001%). Even if people are online, they are still people. Don't deter possibilities of friendships (even relationships) away just because they are across the country, or even around the world.
GAF Bagels: Great advice!
Oomi kami: and Im not sure what second question is asking
GAF Bagels: Are there things you'd like to hear about from other people who have done well with their depression? Things you'd like to see asked about in these interviews?
Oomi kami: I'm not sure to be honest.
GAF Bagels: 'salright
GAF Bagels: I am being called away to give my son a bath and wash the ice cream off of him. Heh. Thanks for a great interview! You gave some great answers!
Oomi kami: no problem! Glad to be a part of it!
Major thanks to Oomikami for agreeing to be interviewed and for allowing herself to be identified by her handle. I'm sure she'd be willing to address any follow-up questions.
Your feedback (for me) is much appreciated. There were some goofier moments in this interview. If you'd like a more focused conversation, let me know. Alternatively, if you'd like more "getting to know you" stuff, so you can learn more about your fellow GAFfers, I'm all for it.
(There's some silly banter at the beginning here. Skip ahead to the bolded part for the actual interview)
(Our intrepid interviewer left for an hour nap at 3:00 and reappeared at 7:00)
GAF Bagels: I was going strong and then I just...passed out
Oomi kami: yeah I figured, I can imagine night shifts can do that to you, so I'm not mad at all =p
GAF Bagels: I was hoping for a really hostile interview
Oomi kami: ahaha, I'm not that type to take out my anger on people like that XD
At most i would apologize continuously and even that can be a great annoyance =P
Oomi kami: Your avatar reminds me of that therapist cartoon...can't recall it but i remember watching it before years ago)
GAF Bagels: Dr. Katz!
Oomi kami: are you aspiring to be a psychologist, if I may ask?
GAF Bagels: Psychiatrist!
Oomi kami: ah nice to see another addition to the field!
GAF Bagels: I've got a nice Freudian beard and everything
Oomi kami: ha awesome XD
Oomi kami: but wait, if i remember correctly didn't you work in a hospital?
GAF Bagels: I do! I'm in medical school.
Oomi kami: eh? but aren't psychiatrist not allowed to prescribe medicine?
GAF Bagels: Psychiatrists are MDs, Psychologists aren't. Common mistake
Oomi kami: ah i see....so much for my psych degree being put to use =_=
GAF Bagels: I knew a few psych majors who went to my med school. Plus, the two fields work together a lot
Oomi kami: yeah true. Hopefully there won't be more dumb psychiatrists going to the field, had enough with them lol
GAF Bagels: true. The good ones are amazing; the bad ones are dangerous
Oomi kami: yeah i went to the bad one unfortunately, I havent been back since cause of it.
Oomi kami: horrid people that really don't give a fudge about you
Oomi kami: hm
Oomi kami: i think a feel a bit better now that i talked coincidentally
GAF Bagels: haha
GAF Bagels: I'm just that good
Oomi kami: more like good getting mind off of it, and i just don't want to think about it anymore =p
GAF Bagels: Okay, beginning for realsies
GAF Bagels: So tell us a little bit about yourself. How old are you, where do you live (in general), what do you do?
Oomi kami: I'm 21 and for now I'm a student at a university studying Psychology, but I rather not be in this field. My real passion is writing novels.
GAF Bagels: Cool! What kind of novels?
Oomi kami: Fantasy novels but I'm not very good at it unfortunately. I'm trying to self-teach myself on how to do this.
GAF Bagels: Any favorite authors to recommend?
Oomi kami: Tolkien obviously, Patrick Rothfuss' work is pretty nice. Though unfortunately I haven't had time to read much
GAF Bagels: Since this is GAF, I have to ask about your favorite game(s)
Oomi kami: Okami
GAF Bagels: Good choice!
Oomi kami: can't really think of anything else
Oomi kami: and why thank you!
GAF Bagels: Now that I've put you at ease, here's where I pounce - tell us about your story with depression. As much or as little as you want to say. Start wherever you'd like. How did you first know you were depressed, for example?
Oomi kami: It actually took me a very long time to acknowledge I had depression. I first thought I was just being immature. However my boyfriend saw that I had depression and started to tell me about it. I denied thinking it was for crazy people. I was like that all throughout high school I think. When I finally acknowledged it was when I went out to college on my own where there was free therapy available, so around that time I realized I actually had issues that needed to be taken care of
GAF Bagels: I should have asked - are you a guy or a girl?
Oomi kami: girl
GAF Bagels: wait.
GAF Bagels: what?
Oomi kami: ?
GAF Bagels: you just blew this interview wide open!
Oomi kami: i did?
GAF Bagels: I thought GAF was all guys
GAF Bagels: kidding
Oomi kami: haha no there's girl members of depression gaf as well i think lol
GAF Bagels: I'm biased because all of the Depression-GAF people I talk to are gay
GAF Bagels: not sure why
Oomi kami: Nah it's normal to assume, I think all of us are guilty of that assumption!
Oomi kami: But yeah, last I checked I am female
GAF Bagels: It's good to be sure
Oomi kami: true
GAF Bagels: Okay, derail over. So what did you initially do for your depression? Before that, what symptoms did you have?
Oomi kami: I don't remember clearly from the way past, but I believe I was suicidal constantly, I would try to kill myself practically every week or every day. I was sad and angry very frequently and had instances where I actually went out of my way to drive off to places thinking "This is it, I'm going to die from this heat, and that's the end."
GAF Bagels: Wow. Have you ever heard that women attempt suicide more often, but men are more often successful?
GAF Bagels: That may be changing
Oomi kami: Yes, learned that from psychology classes unfortunately. I believe females are more likely to attempt as a cry of help. And men are successful because they need to have "guts" if I remember correctly. But back to the other question What I did initially do for my depression was I went to the therapy on campus, but it was really messed up. I had a therapist who was actually a Psych intern and it threw me off mentally because he left shortly in about 10 months. I was then transferred to the head therapy therapist; she was nice but she really didn't help as much. (Sometimes it helped but not often)
GAF Bagels: Was it talk therapy or did you try meds too?
Oomi kami: I did both. Once my old therapist left I went into a psychiatrist that prescribed celexa I think it was called. It was horrible, I lost sleep and I went insane, so I went off of it. Also the fact that 40 dollars a session with that psychiatrist was just a waste of money because she literally did not give two fucks about me
GAF Bagels: I went nuts on a Wellbutrin Celexa combo. High five!
Oomi kami: woo..i think!
GAF Bagels: heh. So what did you do after that?
Oomi kami:I actually was closing in near my therapy limit of 40 sessions per student before I was kicked out of my clinic. After that, I was in abusive friendships constantly, almost never stopping. Every male friend I ever was making (that was new, not old) tried to get with me and somehow used the fact I was depressed and not right state of mind to persuade me to end my own relationship with my current boyfriend.
GAF Bagels: yikes
Oomi kami: Yeah I slashed myself everyday just cursing my own existence. Was very dark time in my life.
Oomi kami: Boyfriend is ridiculously patient with me so I'm grateful I still have him even though he knows I'm depressed.
GAF Bagels: that's great
Oomi kami: yeah. After that it was actually OK, my friendships were stable for about a year I think? Until three ex-best friends decided to blame me for being a jerk and left me on the very same day.
GAF Bagels: I know it's hard to deal with depressed people (I'm depressed and I don't like being around them), but boy do you learn who your true friends are when you bottom out
Oomi kami: yeah, now I'm friends with people I never thought I would be in years. But I'm thankful they are actually decent people that aren't scum bags.
GAF Bagels: Can you talk more about your support system? Family, friends, BF? What do they do that helps? Are there things that don't help?
Oomi kami: Family: oh that's a good one. My family doesn't understand that I'm depressed and 100% believe I don't have issues or depression. Which is humorous because I took them to my second therapist, and even that made things worse. So they aren't exactly the most reliable people to tell about how I feel. They just see me as being a spoilt brat, which is partly why I felt for the longest time that I'm the one to blame, that it's my fault.
Friends: I have 2-3 best friends that I can say support me. Some aren't sure how to deal with me, but they are pretty reliable if I need to vent to someone. Couldn't have anyone better to be frank.
Boyfriend: He is supportive over me getting help and listens to me when I'm horribly depressed.
[Failed attempt at a metaphor by me. Redacted]
GAF Bagels: Have you ever gone into the hospital?
Oomi kami: Honestly I would have admitted myself. But I can't because I literally have no funds to go to a decent one. I hear horrible stories of people dying shortly after going there because it just makes things worse.
GAF Bagels: yikes. It really depends on the hospital/what your insurance is like
Oomi kami: I have insurance but they won't cover it if I remember correctly. Even then I don't have enough to cover rest of the funds on my own unfortunately.
GAF Bagels: God bless America
Oomi kami: lol yeah. shitty system but not gonna derail to that heh.
GAF Bagels: good idea
Oomi kami: But yeah after the whole ex-friend thing happened, I've been pretty much trying to treat myself, which is REALLY tricky when you're surrounded by people in reality that don't give two fucks that you're having a meltdown. However I have been making slow progress, I'm not trying to kill myself every day. At most those things comes once a month or a week if at most
GAF Bagels: Glad to hear it!
Oomi kami: yeah but I have a far way to go unfortunately without any real therapy, but I do my best to keep optimistic even though I know I'm not at all.
GAF Bagels: You obviously read the Depression thread. Does it provide any help?
Oomi kami: sometimes it does, I feel like I can talk to people and my issues. There are very nice caring people in Depression GAF.
GAF Bagels: Two questions: do you have any advice for other Depression-GAFfers and are there things you'd like to hear about from other people living with depression?
Oomi kami: Find a friend that will listen to you. I swear, if I didn't have my friends now, I wouldn't be getting any progress (even if it is .0001%). Even if people are online, they are still people. Don't deter possibilities of friendships (even relationships) away just because they are across the country, or even around the world.
GAF Bagels: Great advice!
Oomi kami: and Im not sure what second question is asking
GAF Bagels: Are there things you'd like to hear about from other people who have done well with their depression? Things you'd like to see asked about in these interviews?
Oomi kami: I'm not sure to be honest.
GAF Bagels: 'salright
GAF Bagels: I am being called away to give my son a bath and wash the ice cream off of him. Heh. Thanks for a great interview! You gave some great answers!
Oomi kami: no problem! Glad to be a part of it!
Major thanks to Oomikami for agreeing to be interviewed and for allowing herself to be identified by her handle. I'm sure she'd be willing to address any follow-up questions.
Your feedback (for me) is much appreciated. There were some goofier moments in this interview. If you'd like a more focused conversation, let me know. Alternatively, if you'd like more "getting to know you" stuff, so you can learn more about your fellow GAFfers, I'm all for it.
Did you wake up feeling weird and anxious when you weren't on any medication?
I still don't understand what Wellbutrin does. Is it a more subtle and long term version of stimulants like Adderal and Ritalin? Even if they're not similar, could reduced anxiety on stimulants be an indication that Wellbutrin might help? They're both dopamine inhibitors after all. I haven't heard of anyone else whose anxiety is reduced by stimulants. Even most psychiatrists aren't familiar with that.
Thanks. You're right, it's different for everyone. Since stimulants reduce my anxiety (it worsens anxiety for most), it might help me.
Thanks. Effexor sounds very similar. I'm pretty sure I've tried it years ago. It sucks that I can't remember anything about it.
I'm done with SSRIs though.
Agent Cooper
Member
My grades are suffering and I hate myself even more for it.
I know that feeling. All too well. I'm reluctant to even go to school now.
OpinionatedCyborg
Member
It isn't entirely unusual. Some people diagnosed with depression, bipolar, or anxiety disorders who do not respond well to medications for those sometimes have underlying attention issues. Attention and cognitive issues could trigger anxiety. ADHD is often comorbid with those disorders or mistaken for those disorders. So your experience isn't entirely implausible.
E: I think Wellbutrin is still off label for ADHD, adult.
Collete
Member
Same exact boat.
Received grades for exams and quizzes I did last week.
Not really peachy about them.
Just hate being alive at the moment.
Sidewinder
Member
Dat tag, lol!
*blink*
Collete
Member
Well it's early morning and most people are at school (which I should be doing right now...) or at work, so I don't think you'll get those fans at the moment.
(No sorry I haven't watched Arrested Development).
Wellbutrin is just an SSRI that also inhibits the reuptake of dopamine - that's its unique action. Dopamine, like every other neurotransmitter, does different things depending on where, when, and how much is released. Wellbutrin's actions are distinct from those of the stimulant medications. So, for example, Wellbutrin acts on the dopamine circuits that make smoking rewarding, so it's used (under the name Zyban) to help people stop smoking. Stimulants don't have this action.
Neurochemistry isn't just about what molecule is released, it's also about WHERE it's released. It's complicated stuff.
It's going to get a lot harder to secure those interviews...
AFollowerNotALeader
Member
And I'm back having a terrible time. Not in "reality" this time, just in my head (which is worse). I thought the switch back to GMT would make it better (I suffer a little bit from SAD) but this week it has been worse.
I'm just so very... tired of almost everything in my real life. It doesn't help that I don't like me very much at the moment.
I'm just so very... tired of almost everything in my real life. It doesn't help that I don't like me very much at the moment.
Surface of Me
I'm not an NPC. And neither are we.
=(
This so much, I just, it's so hard to motivate myself to do shit. I just ended up crying most of yesterday, I really hope my English and Government teachers are going to be understanding, they usually seem to be. =(
Wellbutrin is an 'upper' sort of anti-depressant but I wouldn't liken its effect to Adderal or Ritalin. It kicks you up but it doesn't crack you out. For me, it caused anxiety, but then again, I've never found a medication that stimulates my mood and energy that doesn't cause anxiety. Currently I have to balance out my mood lifting medications with a high dose of Buspar + low dose of Klonopin.
For me, Wellbutrin induced hypomania, but only because I'm susceptible to that sort of mood fluctuation. I imagine if you're more of a 'balanced' depressed it could be a GREAT medication, and definitely one I would try if you're tired of the endless train of energy-sapping, zombifying SSRIs.
I agree that SSRIs are suspect and over-prescribed for depression. For me, at least, they tend to 'pave' things over and improve them marginally by chopping off the bottom and top end of my emotional spectrum. They also cause severe sexual side effects. I soured and refused to go on an SSRI for a little while until it became apparent that I needed a low dose of an SSRI (Lexapro at present) to smooth over just enough of the potholes at the top and bottom ends of my emotional spectrum so other drugs could do their thing without driving me completely batty or inducing panic. Now that I've been stable for quite some time on my current regimen the first change my doctor and I are considering is lowering the SSRI and seeing if I can 'wake up' a bit and have my other medications do the work balancing my mood.
This is all anecdotal. When I was in the process of selecting medications I was told it would be a good idea to check what had worked well for my family members. So I called my sister...and was amazed to find that she had the complete opposite reaction to some of the same medications I'd taken. Cymbalta made me an impotent zombie...and it made her manic. Wild! Just goes to show that you won't know until you try.
That being said we selected Lexapro because it had worked well for her without many side effects and so far I'm having about the same results. It's definitely an SSRI but it's not knocking me out and making me asexual the way Zoloft and Cymbalta did. I still think SSRIs are overhyped but, in the end, they do help me stave off panic.
Another medication I'd recommend bringing up (if Bagels thinks it's a good idea...) is Lamictal (generic = Lamotrigine). It's an anti-epileptic / mood stabilizer but at lower doses has some accepted use as an anti-depressant for those who have had trouble with other types of medications. For me, of course, it causes some anxiety, because I'm very susceptible to that, but it also absolutely boosts my mood and stabilizes me with few other side effects. My skin is more sensitive and that's about it.
Long ramble. Point is, there are always more options and you never know what will work. SSRIs are, in my opinion, overhyped but they do work for some people. Wellbutrin is worth trying, as well as, perhaps, Lamictal.
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