Depression

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I liked both of Bagels' interviews so far. He managed to make the interviewees speak honestly, while also maintaining a sense of humor and not making the situation super serious. They're enlightening, and show me that I'm not the only person who feels like this.

Keep them coming dude, you have done a lot for this thread and I want to congratulate you for all of this. And a honorable mention goes to everyone else here too, who aren't afraid of speaking sincerely and helping one another however they can. I have a lot to learn from you all, I really do.
 
Maybe it might help for some to make a drastic change? Something you would never do, but do it anyway. Sell or give away all your clothes and start over. Sell all your furniture and redecorate. The last one may help more because you're getting rid of a place that's associated with a lot of bad memories.
 
I try to practice deep breathing techniques, all the time. I find if you breath deep through the nose slowly and exhale through the nose slowly it can help calm a racing mind. It just takes discipline to constantly do it over and over again, until you get into the habit of doing it naturally.
 
Piano said:
Wellbutrin is an 'upper' sort of anti-depressant but I wouldn't liken its effect to Adderal or Ritalin. It kicks you up but it doesn't crack you out. For me, it caused anxiety, but then again, I've never found a medication that stimulates my mood and energy that doesn't cause anxiety. Currently I have to balance out my mood lifting medications with a high dose of Buspar + low dose of Klonopin.

For me, Wellbutrin induced hypomania, but only because I'm susceptible to that sort of mood fluctuation. I imagine if you're more of a 'balanced' depressed it could be a GREAT medication, and definitely one I would try if you're tired of the endless train of energy-sapping, zombifying SSRIs.

I agree that SSRIs are suspect and over-prescribed for depression. For me, at least, they tend to 'pave' things over and improve them marginally by chopping off the bottom and top end of my emotional spectrum. They also cause severe sexual side effects. I soured and refused to go on an SSRI for a little while until it became apparent that I needed a low dose of an SSRI (Lexapro at present) to smooth over just enough of the potholes at the top and bottom ends of my emotional spectrum so other drugs could do their thing without driving me completely batty or inducing panic. Now that I've been stable for quite some time on my current regimen the first change my doctor and I are considering is lowering the SSRI and seeing if I can 'wake up' a bit and have my other medications do the work balancing my mood.

This is all anecdotal. When I was in the process of selecting medications I was told it would be a good idea to check what had worked well for my family members. So I called my sister...and was amazed to find that she had the complete opposite reaction to some of the same medications I'd taken. Cymbalta made me an impotent zombie...and it made her manic. Wild! Just goes to show that you won't know until you try.

That being said we selected Lexapro because it had worked well for her without many side effects and so far I'm having about the same results. It's definitely an SSRI but it's not knocking me out and making me asexual the way Zoloft and Cymbalta did. I still think SSRIs are overhyped but, in the end, they do help me stave off panic.

Another medication I'd recommend bringing up (if Bagels thinks it's a good idea...) is Lamictal (generic = Lamotrigine). It's an anti-epileptic / mood stabilizer but at lower doses has some accepted use as an anti-depressant for those who have had trouble with other types of medications. For me, of course, it causes some anxiety, because I'm very susceptible to that, but it also absolutely boosts my mood and stabilizes me with few other side effects. My skin is more sensitive and that's about it.

Long ramble. Point is, there are always more options and you never know what will work. SSRIs are, in my opinion, overhyped but they do work for some people. Wellbutrin is worth trying, as well as, perhaps, Lamictal.
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My experience is similar to yours - I actually tried Lamictal early on in my treatment and really hated it. Meanwhile, plenty of other people get great results with really minimal side effects. Unfortunately, while you can talk about broad principles with individual antidepressants, each person's response can be very, very different.

Another option if low energy is a problem is thyroid supplementation. During an initial workup for depression, you should get your thyroid checked - a hypoactive thyroid (a problem more common in women) will make you depressed. If your thyroid is fine, a tiny dose of thyroid hormone can give you a boost without provoking anxiety.
 
Prez said:
Maybe it might help for some to make a drastic change? Something you would never do, but do it anyway. Sell or give away all your clothes and start over. Sell all your furniture and redecorate. The last one may help more because you're getting rid of a place that's associated with a lot of bad memories.
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I wish i could do that, maybe i do need that. my therapist says i should move, but where i dont know. im so lost in this life i dont know what to do, where to go, what to be and always so lonely.
 
neojubei said:
I wish i could do that, maybe i do need that. my therapist says i should move, but where i dont know. im so lost in this life i dont know what to do, where to go, what to be and always so lonely.
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Spend some time figuring out where you'd like to move and do it! There are many great surprises ahead.
 
RionaaM said:
I liked both of Bagels' interviews so far. He managed to make the interviewees speak honestly, while also maintaining a sense of humor and not making the situation super serious. They're enlightening, and show me that I'm not the only person who feels like this.

Keep them coming dude, you have done a lot for this thread and I want to congratulate you for all of this. And a honorable mention goes to everyone else here too, who aren't afraid of speaking sincerely and helping one another however they can. I have a lot to learn from you all, I really do.
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Thanks for the feedback! I'm really grateful to the people who have shared their stories.

The next interview to go up is a tough one, but I think it's particularly powerful. Once the transcript is approved, I'll post it here.
 
Bagels said:
My experience is similar to yours - I actually tried Lamictal early on in my treatment and really hated it. Meanwhile, plenty of other people get great results with really minimal side effects. Unfortunately, while you can talk about broad principles with individual antidepressants, each person's response can be very, very different.

Another option if low energy is a problem is thyroid supplementation. During an initial workup for depression, you should get your thyroid checked - a hypoactive thyroid (a problem more common in women) will make you depressed. If your thyroid is fine, a tiny dose of thyroid hormone can give you a boost without provoking anxiety.
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this is actually extremely important. the american endocrinological society has recommended a TSH reference range between .3 and 3.0 for the past 10 years, but a lot of family docs and labs are stil using the .5 - 5.0, .5 - 4.5, .4 - 4.0, etc. reference ranges. a lot of people who could have subclinical hypothyroidism are being treated for depression, anxiety, or mania when they really should be getting their thyroid more thoroughly examined and treated. it's like treating secondary hypertension with antihypertensives instead of addressing the actual problem. and even if you are within the normal range for TSH and t4, thyroid supplementation is, as you said, an adjunct therapy. it's definitely worth looking into because your doctor(s) may have overlooked it or could be using outdated reference ranges.

e: I meant the american association of clinical endocrinologists. I always make that mistake.
 
OpinionatedCyborg said:
this is actually extremely important. the american endocrinological society has recommended a TSH reference range between .3 and 3.0 for the past 10 years, but a lot of family docs and labs are stil using the .5 - 5.0, .5 - 4.5, .4 - 4.0, etc. reference ranges. a lot of people who could have subclinical hypothyroidism are being treated for depression, anxiety, or mania when they really should be getting their thyroid more thoroughly examined and treated. it's like treating secondary hypertension with antihypertensives instead of addressing the actual problem. and even if you are within the normal range for TSH and t4, thyroid supplementation is, as you said, an adjunct therapy. it's definitely worth looking into because your doctor(s) may have overlooked it or could be using outdated reference ranges.

e: I meant the american association of clinical endocrinologists. I always make that mistake.
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Hypothyroidism means too little TSH, so 0.3-3.0 as a reference would mean less diagnoses, no?
 
Bagel,
As a human, a psychologist and a person that lives with depression, thanks for your commitment to the field and trying to be an actual help to people in this thread.
 
"Nova" is a pseudonym. We've changed or erased a few details to protect her identity on the forum. Please don't speculate about who the interviewee is. The reason for posting under a pseudonym should be obvious pretty quickly.

Just a warning that this interview deals with sexual abuse and discusses sexual issues in a very frank manner. If you have a problem reading about these topics, skip ahead.


GAF Bagels: I feel like this is going to be a challenging interview

GAF Bagels: Whenever you want to jump into your story, go for it

Nova: I hope to not make it worse heh. I haven't actually talked about this stuff in a long, long time.

GAF Bagels: I'll try to hang back unless there are things that need some clarification

GAF Bagels: if it doesn't feel like it's going well, we can always bail on it

GAF Bagels: Props to you for volunteering


Nova: Well, when I was young, my parents split up. My father was a con artist. He was able to convince everyone that my mother was a horrible person, addicted to drugs, ect. So he got full custody of my siblings and I. Directly after that, the rapes began. Pretty much nightly. I had no idea until recently that he was doing it to my sister as well, but yeah. He was beating my brothers, raping my sister and I, and starving us near to death from that point on. There were four of us. We honestly thought that's how family worked for a long, long time. We were never allowed out of the house until nightfall, so much so that the other neighborhood kids began to tease us about being monsters or something. We would wander around sometimes during the day while he was passed out. Find food where we could.

GAF Bagels: how old were you?

Nova: I was five when it started.

His mother moved in with us at some point because she had broken her hip. She had also developed dementia, so she had no idea what was going on either. It fell to me to care for her. That started when I was around seven. I was giving her injections of something, I have no idea to this day what it was. But whatever it was, my father was stealing it as well.

I have very vague memories of this point in my life, sometimes it comes back via flashblack, it's not really something that you ever get over. Sometimes I don't know if what I am remembering is real or not, stuff that seems way to shocking to be true. Like I have a fragmented memory of being held down and injected with something, and there being several men there at the time. Of a dirty sock stuffed in my mouth. To this day I don't know if that is true or if it's just an over active imagination filling in the blanks.
This went on for several years. When I was 13, I basically ran away from home. I took a flight to [another state], and lived with my Aunt. His sister. Eventually, I told her what was going on. In a move that leaves me stunned for her courage forever, she called the police and turned in her own brother.

My brothers were seriously underweight when they were taken from him. My grandmother was nearly dead because I was no longer there to care for her. My mother was found and stepped up and took all four us, once we found my sister. She had taken to basically living with friends by that time.

And surprise surprise, my mom was actually an amazing person, and not a crack whore.

GAF Bagels: What happened to your father? Did you have to go through a trial?

Nova: He was arrested. The trail stuff took four years, and the defense basically bullied us into accepting a plea deal. Guilting me into it by saying that my little brothers would have to testify and be traumatized if it went to trial. He got seven years probation by pleading down to just criminal penetration of a minor. The man could convince anyone of anything.

GAF Bagels: Fuck.

Nova: It was bad enough that last year, when we had word that he had died, my sister and I automatically thought 'It's a trap!'

GAF Bagels: How'd he die?

Nova: Old age, heart or something
And he died a 'hero'. My sister went to his funeral. He had the whole town convinced he was a hero war vet.
He was never in the military

GAF Bagels: What. The. Hell.

Nova: Yep

GAF Bagels: Well, I officially hate the world now

Nova: I am surprised I actually made it through all this to become a mostly well-adjusted human being

GAF Bagels: that's the part that really interests me. How did you cope?

Nova: At first? I am not sure. My early teens are blurry. I was incredibly sheltered after my mom took us in. We kept getting threats from people who knew him, his other family members, enough that the local police started watching out for me specifically. All the teachers had to be told what was going on.
My sister at the time denied everything, and refused to talk about it, so she wasn't a target.

I was a loner, had a few friends but dressed oddly. I wore long coats and baggy clothes, armoring myself from the world.

GAF Bagels: There was an interesting article in the New Yorker about Jerry Sandusky and how sex offenders operate. I don't know if you saw it?

Nova: I don't think I saw that one specifically, no. I know they chose their targets well, and groom them yeah

GAF Bagels: Yeah - I didn't know much about it. I didn't get the whole con-man angle. I thought "creepy guy from The Lovely Bones"

Nova: I thought for the longest time that something was wrong with me, because even after I got away from my frankly monster of a father, I had two other instances of being terrified it was going to happen again. One was a tutor at high school, who made me incredibly uncomfortable, to the point that I told my mom I didn't want to work with him anymore. He acted as if I were a terrible person for even thinking that of him, and I was guilty over it for a long time. Until he went to another school and was arrested for raping a 14 year old. So I thought to myself, "What the fuck is wrong with me, that these guys keep targeting me? Is it something about how I look?" Luckily, I did some counseling for a while, and was told the truth: These guys know how to pick vulnerable targets. The way you walk, the way you dress, the way you talk can scream 'possible victim' to them.

GAF Bagels: Do you have any idea why you were targeted? That might be a tough question to answer.

Nova: I think it's because I was a previous victim, and the way I held myself told them that. I am very shy, easily cowed, scared of anger, to the point that I will avoid it at all costs. I speak softly, and don't draw attention to myself. This tells people like him that it's more likely I will be easy to control, and easily scared into not saying anything.

GAF Bagels: Did this history of being targeted cause you problems with relationships - family, friends, romantic relationships?

I'm guessing that's a dumb question.

Nova: Yes. 1000 times yes.
Not a dumb question at all
It's a terrible thing to say, but I only accepted my husband’s proposal because I was terrified of making him angry.
That speaks a lot about how fucked up I am heh

GAF Bagels: jeez
GAF Bagels: When did you tell him about all this?

Nova: I never did the whole high school dating thing. When I was 16, I tried to go out and have sex, because I was scared to death of it, and I knew I had to get it over with eventually.

My husband knew I'd been abused before he proposed, but I am not sure he understands the scope of it to this day

But back to the last post, I tried to have sex. Twice. I hated it both times, it was horrible and painful and I got nothing out of it.

I met my husband when I was 17 and he was 21. He was a bit more experienced than your average high schooler, so the sex was enjoyable.

GAF Bagels: Personal question - feel free to not answer or redact later - but do you still have problems with intimacy?

Nova: Yep, completely. I have several massive phobias that have caused problems with my relationship in the past

GAF Bagels: Such as?

Nova: I have a mouth phobia. If you've seen Signs, my family likes to tease me about being the 'It's contaminated!' girl. I can't drink from an open container. I had to convince myself that forks belonged in my mouth if they had food on them; before that I was losing enough weight that my mom was incredibly worried. So obviously, 'french kissing' and any kind of oral sex is right out.
I have recently gotten to the point where I can give my husband a handjob without having a flashback.
I am sure you can imagine where the mouth phobia stemmed from

GAF Bagels: yeah - no more details needed
GAF Bagels: You're lucky to have someone understanding
Nova: Yeah
Nova: About five years into our relationship, he got frustrated and blew up at me about the fact that I couldn't go down on him. It was a pretty horrible experience, but he left and talked to his friend about it (who grew up with him). His friend punched him and told him to go apologize heh. I think they had a LONG talk and he understands more know.

GAF Bagels: that's a good friend. That deserved a punch

GAF Bagels: I was trying to find the name for an oral phobia, and all I'm finding is dental phobia. Is going to the dentist a problem?

Nova: Yeah, it totally was. Because of the starvation as a child, my teeth were horrible for the longest time. It got to the point where they all basically rotted out of my mouth. I am sure embarrassed about it. I was still young when it happened, but the abuse I suffered and the fact that I didn't even know what a toothbrush was until I was 13 means I had very little chance of saving my teeth. The ensuing operations (the state paid for it all, which was amazing) caused many panic attacks, one to the point that the ambulance was called. But I got through it. And now I have really well done false teeth. Even though I know there wasn't much I could have done to prevent it, I am so embarrassed about the fact that I've had false teeth since I was a teen.

GAF Bagels: Being a parent, how has this affected how you are with your children? Are you ultra-protective?

GAF Bagels: I know if someone hurt my kid, I wouldn't stop at killing them. And I'm a pacifist weenie.

Nova: Yeah, I really am. Everyone says it’s to the point of over doing it, but I am not letting my kids go to someone's house when I don't know them or their parents.
I don't let them out of my sight, except to go to school

GAF Bagels: i can imagine
GAF Bagels: Do they know about what happened? i guess they might be a bit young. Will you tell them at some point?

Nova: They just know I had 'a bad daddy'. Yeah, I am not going to explain it to them yet. I've tried to teach them about 'bad touches' and if it happens to not hide it from me

GAF Bagels: Do you worry about - this is an odd question, but I've seen it come up in my psych work - having whatever genetic screwups that made your father the way he was? Not to say you can just blame his genes, but survivors of family abuse sometimes worry that they're "tainted" in some way

Nova: I have thought about it yeah. And it is an issue, at least for my siblings. They won’t have children.

GAF Bagels: That's heart-breaking.

Nova: So it's just me.

GAF Bagels: I'm glad you've made that choice.
GAF Bagels: The idea of a crime so heinous it poisons future generations is just...

Nova: It is at that, heh. Like I said, it was something that would have made national news in today’s 24 hour news cycle. But small town + con artist + scared children = incredibly light punishment and a silence around the crime 18 years ago.
But, I still am griped with depression occasionally, mostly because I feel useless. I got married right out of high school. So I was sheltered by my mother, and then by my husband.
Never worked, except when I started getting paid to write. And now that I’m older, I am so very tired of it.
It's sad that I am finally ready to start actually living my life and not hiding from the world, at in only took me till I was in my 30s heh

GAF Bagels: Can we talk more about the healing process?

Nova: Sure.

GAF Bagels: We kind of left off with your attempts in high school to "fix" yourself

Nova: Yeah. My obsession with distraction started then too heh. I tried to fix myself with sex, didn't work. That was awful. But obsession about fictional worlds really helped, in a weird way. I am sure it's not a healthy coping method, but it kinda works for me.

GAF Bagels: Fictional worlds like games, novels, movies?

Nova: Yeah

GAF Bagels: Any particular examples?

Nova: I like to say that Buffy the Vampire Slayer saved my life. X-Files. Those were the two when I was younger. Also, any RPG video game I dove right into. Books. I read everything I could get my hands on, Dragonlance and Anne Rice being the ones I remember the most. Also, I did the whole 'online roleplaying chat' thing that was popular in the early 90s. I never did the cybersex parts, but I loved playing characters online. It honestly helped me develop my writing as well.

Nova: Also, to this day: I can write horror like no other. I was hired for that skill and made several creepy args. But while I can eviscerate and craft things that make people cringe, I try to write anything romantic at all and I start cringing and blushing and looking over my shoulder.

GAF Bagels: I was a big Dragonlance fan, too! Have you ever thought to writing to any of the writers or creators of those worlds? I bet they'd be extremely gratified to hear how they helped you.

Nova: Joss Whedon, I did write to :)

GAF Bagels: did he reply?

Nova: No, but he has said in interviews that many people have told him that 'Buffy saved their lives' and it was a very humbling experience.

GAF Bagels: Cool!

GAF Bagels: Did you ever try any formal therapy?

Nova: I did some when I was a teen. I am thinking about getting into it again, but my last one told me that it’s very likely that I will never be able to get over my phobias. So I figure it's kinda pointless to go. When I can end my depression cycle by frantically googling [redacted] fanfic then why waste the money? heh

GAF Bagels: haha

GAF Bagels: Did you ever try any meds?

Nova: I tried paxil? I disliked the way it made me gain a bit of weight. And as someone who could already be described as 'frigid' on a good day, the sexual side effects sucked.

GAF Bagels: makes sense. There's some thought now that blood pressure meds can help with PTSD. I was just talking to my shrink about it

Nova: I've been told I likely have PTSD heh. I never really claim it though

GAF Bagels: Prazosin is the specific med

Nova: I might look into that.

GAF Bagels: it's also helpful with nightmares, if that's a problem

Nova: Yeah they can be. I haven't had any specific to my father since he died, but I do have some disturbing ones sometimes.

Nova:Mind if I take a ten minute break?

GAF Bagels: Sure!
GAF Bagels: "Since 1983 prazosin has revolutionized the management of severe scorpion stings." So there's that, too, I guess.

GAF Bagels: Here's a good chance for me to say that this is really how I hoped these interviews would go. This is a really powerful story. I've met victims of abuse in psych, but I've never heard a story quite like this. And I'm half-way through my OB/GYN rotation and I have yet to deal with any victims of abuse. Your candor in talking about your sex life will help me deal with that situation when it arises. So I really sincerely thank you for that.

Nova: Back

And you are welcome

I have struggled with a long time being about to even type about this stuff
Speaking about it is something I still have a hard time with

GAF Bagels: All I can say is that this will make me a better physician, which I consider extremely high praise
GAF Bagels: Seriously, thank you

Nova: You are very welcome.
Seriously, ask me anything. I am happy to help.

GAF Bagels: Okay, so you dabbled in therapy and meds without much success

Nova: You'd be surprised at how many doctors I have dealt with that made me feel a bit ashamed of my history.

GAF Bagels: Escapism, for lack of a better word, helped.

Nova: Yeah. Which I am aware is not exactly healthy.

GAF Bagels: If it works for you, it's not exactly unhealthy

Anything else that helped? What about your support system?

Nova: My mother has been very supportive.
My sibilings, well...we don't talk about it
Ever
It's like we pretend it never happened

GAF Bagels: Friends?

Nova: I have told my friends I was abused, in all the ways possible, and kinda leave it at that. I don't really talk about it with them, and the very rare occasion it actually comes up, most everyone just gets super uncomfortable and says stuff like 'Yeah you don't have to explain'.

GAF Bagels: Almost no one knows how to deal with that stuff. I have a hard time finding people I can talk with about my two friends who died

Nova: Honestly? Fandom has helping in shocking ways. Because so many women are in fandom, and there are many victims of abuse in fandom, the issue gets talked about A LOT

GAF Bagels: really? I never thought about that

Nova: it's so prevalent to discuss these things that every single piece of fanfiction comes with trigger warnings.

GAF Bagels: Where do you go for your fandom needs?

Nova: Used to I'd hang out on livejournal. There is still a pretty large fandom presence there, but it's died down over the years. Now they are mostly on tumblr, but I haven't really gotten into tumblr as much as I could. Random forums as well. But for fanfiction and discussion about things that fandom is interested in, I use AO3 (Archive of Our Own) and rarely, fanfiction.net

There have been many articles that fans have written about particular kinks and squicks (things that make you super uncomfortable) and how it relates to how some people have been abused.

Nova: For instance, I find a particular brand of fanfiction very appealing, and never really knew why. Hurt/comfort, or whump, as it's called. It's basically where a character you love is injured in some way, and someone else helps them through it. The general thought in fandom about this type of fiction and why it's so popular is that for people who have been through hell, it gives them some measure of hope. Or something to aspire too. Or even an unconscious desire to have someone actually care for them.

GAF Bagels: Sounds like a thesis project for someone - "the Psychology of Fandom"

Nova: I think there has been something like that at some point hee

Nova: Vidding is cathartic as well, because I can try and say things with music and visuals and metaphor. It's almost as creative as writing, and I actually put more thought into it than I do when writing. Writing just flows, with vidding, it's more...I dunno. Just more. And I wish it was a more legit hobby. Everyone on GAF sees it as incredibly silly and a waste of time.

GAF Bagels: Yes, the opinion of people who spend hours arguing which giant multinational corporation cares more about gamers is certainly worth considering :P

Nova: lol true
I would honestly love to share my vids with the gaf community in general, but am rather sure I'd just be trolled. There are some amazingly intelligent people on here, and I would love to know if they catch all my metaphor and little things, ya know?

GAF Bagels: so I always ask, you read the depression thread, is it helpful at all? Are there things you'd like to see discussed more? Less? And yes, everyone says it's depressing, but that's hard to avoid.

Nova: Yeah I think it's helpful
There is something about reading how other people are having a hard time as well, and seeing that there is hope, that is very comforting. Sometimes it's really frustrating. I want to shout at some people "Please, this life is worth so much, look at what I've struggled through, you can get through this!" but that would be awful of me.

GAF Bagels: Just a few more questions, unless there are things you'd like to cover

Nova: I think I've covered the majority of it, heh. I've had other instances of trauma in my life, but none that eclipses that.

GAF Bagels: Jeez
GAF Bagels: Want to say a word about that?

Nova: Well, I've lost several people close to me in car accidents. A really good friend, killed by a drunk a driver. My other mom's (my mom's best friend) oldest son, who basically grew up with me after my mom got us. And my mom's second husband. That's really tough. And then all the trauma with finding out about a birth defect and nearly losing my daughter because of it.

My birth defect, not hers.

Again, I have all these little things that make me super interesting! >.< I had the whole 'two uterus' thing. I am sure you've heard about it if you are studying OB

GAF Bagels: Ha! That was going to be my guess! I feel smart

Nova: Yay!

GAF Bagels: you are one resilient person!

Nova: I don't feel like it. But thanks hehe.
My daughter was quite a struggle to have born, but she is totally fine now, if a bit small. And they took the whole mess out, so no more scary pregnancies for me.

GAF Bagels: Any advice for people struggling with depression? Particularly people who have survived trauma or abuse? And any advice for people who are trying to help those people?

Nova: Don't close yourself off to the world. Being social helps in so many ways, even if it's just online. And if you don't want to talk about it, don't feel pressured to do so.

GAF Bagels: How can the rest of us best help?

Nova: By understanding that some people see things differently because of their trauma or abuse. And not treating them like freaks once that becomes apparent. That's just for the general population, not people like you.
Just being understanding in general, without being condescending can be a big help.

GAF Bagels: I think that's a lot of ground covered. Thanks so much

Nova: No problem.
I feel weird talking so much about myself, heh, but I hope I helped.

GAF Bagels: Thanks again. I think this will get a big response. If people have questions, can I have people direct them to me and pass them along to you?

Nova: Yeah, that will be fine.

GAF Bagels: Great! Don't be a stranger! I keep skype up more or less all the time. You're frankly a pretty amazing person.

Nova: Thanks, that means a lot. And the same to you, if you ever need to talk, I'm around pretty much always.

Many, many thanks to Nova for being so open and honest in dealing with such a difficult topic. I could not respect her more.
 
Prez said:
Hypothyroidism means too little TSH, so 0.3-3.0 as a reference would mean less diagnoses, no?
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sorry, I didn't really explain what I was talking about.

TSH = thyroid stimulating hormone. it is secreted by the anterior pituity and stimulates the thyroid gland to secrete thyroxine (T4). people with hypothyroidism or subclinical hypothyroidism will have high TSH levels because their thyroid gland, for whatever reason, is not producing enough t4 at normal levels of stimulation. so the hypothalamus tells the pituitary to release more TSH to stimulate the thyroid to release more T4. For awhile, the higher levels of TSH may compensate for the thyroid's failure, but it may reach a point where even with very high levels of TSH, the thyroid isn't secreting enough T4.

people who have high levels of TSH but normal T4 and T3 levels may be asymptomatic but are at greater risk for developing hypothyroidism. some people with elevated TSH but normal T4 and T3 do experience some symptoms of hypothyroidism. this is subclinical hypothyroidism.

it is becoming more common now to start treating subclinical hypothyroidism because it often develops into overt hypothyroidism and treating it immediately alleviates many of the symptoms - dry skin, depression, constipation, trouble focusing, racing thoughts, etc.

to summarize, hypothyroidism is when the TSH is high and the T4 and T3 are low.
 
Ya'll make me want to get into a great big group hug. :( I wanna hug you guys.

I tried eating but it makes me feel sick.

Eating anything these days seems like a chore.
 
Agent Cooper said:
Ya'll make me want to get into a great big group hug. :( I wanna hug you guys.

I tried eating but it makes me feel sick.

Eating anything these days seems like a chore.
Click to expand...

*group hug* We're all in this together!

Start by drinking water and sucking on some sort of hard candy, then build up with small solids.
That's how I do it when I no longer have desire to eat.
 
Agent Cooper said:
Ya'll make me want to get into a great big group hug. :( I wanna hug you guys.

I tried eating but it makes me feel sick.

Eating anything these days seems like a chore.
Click to expand...
I've gone through periods of this and I empathize, as it sucks. For me though, these days, pretty much the only thing that makes me happy is eating, and it's so, so terrible. I still workout nearly every day, but I'm clearly gaining weight &#8212; half of me feels terrible about this, half of me doesn't give a shit. Fuck my brain.
 
Oomikami said:
*group hug* We're all in this together!

Start by drinking water and sucking on some sort of hard candy, then build up with small solids.
That's how I do it when I no longer have desire to eat.
Click to expand...
*hugs~~~*
Drinking lots of water right now. It's the only thing that feels like it'll stay down. :(

vatstep said:
I've gone through periods of this and I empathize, as it sucks. For me though, these days, pretty much the only thing that makes me happy is eating, and it's so, so terrible. I still workout nearly every day, but I'm clearly gaining weight — half of me feels terrible about this, half of me doesn't give a shit. Fuck my brain.
Click to expand...
*hugs* I'm sorry. :( Brains really suck hardcore.
 
Agent Cooper said:
*hugs~~~*
Drinking lots of water right now. It's the only thing that feels like it'll stay down. :(
Click to expand...

Good!
Is there anything that you used to love in the terms of snack food?

Try to put one of it in your mouth and let it sit on your tongue. Don't wait a second, let it actually sit there till it gets a tad soggy. Chew, and swallow (and what ever your mouth does).
If you swallow it, great! Do it again!

If it doesn't work, go back and relax a little and try again with a different food.
 
Oomikami said:
Good!
Is there anything that you used to love in the terms of snack food?

Try to put one of it in your mouth and let it sit on your tongue. Don't wait a second, let it actually sit there till it gets a tad soggy. Chew, and swallow (and what ever your mouth does).
If you swallow it, great! Do it again!

If it doesn't work, go back and relax a little and try again with a different food.
Click to expand...

I had a some chocolate lying around and I tried that and I swallowed it but I don't feel like eating anymore. :(

I'll try again a little later, like you said.
 
I'm really grateful for the feedback I've gotten about the interviews, but I'd love to hear more about what you all think. Are they helpful? Are there specific things you wish I'd ask about?

I think the interviewees would appreciate some feedback too, just so they know people are actually reading what they wrote. It takes a good amount of time, and a significant leap of faith for people to do these things.

Also, I demand to be showered with praise and adulation and revered as your God-King, but the feedback is nice too.
 
maxxpower said:
Listen to your favorite song(or album), it always helps me.
Click to expand...
This, so much this. Music can be both a strong depressive, or an effective uplifter. You just need to find something that fits with the mood you're in at the moment.

It's amazing how music can affect you, really.


Bagels said:
I'm really grateful for the feedback I've gotten about the interviews, but I'd love to hear more about what you all think. Are they helpful? Are there specific things you wish I'd ask about?

I think the interviewees would appreciate some feedback too, just so they know people are actually reading what they wrote. It takes a good amount of time, and a significant leap of faith for people to do these things.

Also, I demand to be showered with praise and adulation and revered as your God-King, but the feedback is nice too.
Click to expand...
They are helpful, yes. The interview with Nova showed me that people can go on despite having suffered through horrible things. The fact that she hasn't given up makes me feel ashamed of myself, for feeling depressed for stupid things that I can't even begin to compare with everything she went through. Her phrase, "Please, this life is worth so much, look at what I've struggled through, you can get through this!", is so true, and something I'll probably remember forever.

I praised you on the previous page, isn't that enough? :(

Big thanks to you and the interviewees for this interviews, once again!
 
Bagels said:
"Nova" is a pseudonym. We've changed or erased a few details to protect her identity on the forum. Please don't speculate about who the interviewee is. The reason for posting under a pseudonym should be obvious pretty quickly.

Just a warning that this interview deals with sexual abuse and discusses sexual issues in a very frank manner. If you have a problem reading about these topics, skip ahead.


GAF Bagels: I feel like this is going to be a challenging interview

GAF Bagels: Whenever you want to jump into your story, go for it

Nova: I hope to not make it worse heh. I haven't actually talked about this stuff in a long, long time.

GAF Bagels: I'll try to hang back unless there are things that need some clarification

GAF Bagels: if it doesn't feel like it's going well, we can always bail on it

GAF Bagels: Props to you for volunteering


Nova: Well, when I was young, my parents split up. My father was a con artist. He was able to convince everyone that my mother was a horrible person, addicted to drugs, ect. So he got full custody of my siblings and I. Directly after that, the rapes began. Pretty much nightly. I had no idea until recently that he was doing it to my sister as well, but yeah. He was beating my brothers, raping my sister and I, and starving us near to death from that point on. There were four of us. We honestly thought that's how family worked for a long, long time. We were never allowed out of the house until nightfall, so much so that the other neighborhood kids began to tease us about being monsters or something. We would wander around sometimes during the day while he was passed out. Find food where we could.

GAF Bagels: how old were you?

Nova: I was five when it started.

His mother moved in with us at some point because she had broken her hip. She had also developed dementia, so she had no idea what was going on either. It fell to me to care for her. That started when I was around seven. I was giving her injections of something, I have no idea to this day what it was. But whatever it was, my father was stealing it as well.

I have very vague memories of this point in my life, sometimes it comes back via flashblack, it's not really something that you ever get over. Sometimes I don't know if what I am remembering is real or not, stuff that seems way to shocking to be true. Like I have a fragmented memory of being held down and injected with something, and there being several men there at the time. Of a dirty sock stuffed in my mouth. To this day I don't know if that is true or if it's just an over active imagination filling in the blanks.
This went on for several years. When I was 13, I basically ran away from home. I took a flight to [another state], and lived with my Aunt. His sister. Eventually, I told her what was going on. In a move that leaves me stunned for her courage forever, she called the police and turned in her own brother.

My brothers were seriously underweight when they were taken from him. My grandmother was nearly dead because I was no longer there to care for her. My mother was found and stepped up and took all four us, once we found my sister. She had taken to basically living with friends by that time.

And surprise surprise, my mom was actually an amazing person, and not a crack whore.

GAF Bagels: What happened to your father? Did you have to go through a trial?

Nova: He was arrested. The trail stuff took four years, and the defense basically bullied us into accepting a plea deal. Guilting me into it by saying that my little brothers would have to testify and be traumatized if it went to trial. He got seven years probation by pleading down to just criminal penetration of a minor. The man could convince anyone of anything.

GAF Bagels: Fuck.

Nova: It was bad enough that last year, when we had word that he had died, my sister and I automatically thought 'It's a trap!'

GAF Bagels: How'd he die?

Nova: Old age, heart or something
And he died a 'hero'. My sister went to his funeral. He had the whole town convinced he was a hero war vet.
He was never in the military

GAF Bagels: What. The. Hell.

Nova: Yep

GAF Bagels: Well, I officially hate the world now

Nova: I am surprised I actually made it through all this to become a mostly well-adjusted human being

GAF Bagels: that's the part that really interests me. How did you cope?

Nova: At first? I am not sure. My early teens are blurry. I was incredibly sheltered after my mom took us in. We kept getting threats from people who knew him, his other family members, enough that the local police started watching out for me specifically. All the teachers had to be told what was going on.
My sister at the time denied everything, and refused to talk about it, so she wasn't a target.

I was a loner, had a few friends but dressed oddly. I wore long coats and baggy clothes, armoring myself from the world.

GAF Bagels: There was an interesting article in the New Yorker about Jerry Sandusky and how sex offenders operate. I don't know if you saw it?

Nova: I don't think I saw that one specifically, no. I know they chose their targets well, and groom them yeah

GAF Bagels: Yeah - I didn't know much about it. I didn't get the whole con-man angle. I thought "creepy guy from The Lovely Bones"

Nova: I thought for the longest time that something was wrong with me, because even after I got away from my frankly monster of a father, I had two other instances of being terrified it was going to happen again. One was a tutor at high school, who made me incredibly uncomfortable, to the point that I told my mom I didn't want to work with him anymore. He acted as if I were a terrible person for even thinking that of him, and I was guilty over it for a long time. Until he went to another school and was arrested for raping a 14 year old. So I thought to myself, "What the fuck is wrong with me, that these guys keep targeting me? Is it something about how I look?" Luckily, I did some counseling for a while, and was told the truth: These guys know how to pick vulnerable targets. The way you walk, the way you dress, the way you talk can scream 'possible victim' to them.

GAF Bagels: Do you have any idea why you were targeted? That might be a tough question to answer.

Nova: I think it's because I was a previous victim, and the way I held myself told them that. I am very shy, easily cowed, scared of anger, to the point that I will avoid it at all costs. I speak softly, and don't draw attention to myself. This tells people like him that it's more likely I will be easy to control, and easily scared into not saying anything.

GAF Bagels: Did this history of being targeted cause you problems with relationships - family, friends, romantic relationships?

I'm guessing that's a dumb question.

Nova: Yes. 1000 times yes.
Not a dumb question at all
It's a terrible thing to say, but I only accepted my husband’s proposal because I was terrified of making him angry.
That speaks a lot about how fucked up I am heh

GAF Bagels: jeez
GAF Bagels: When did you tell him about all this?

Nova: I never did the whole high school dating thing. When I was 16, I tried to go out and have sex, because I was scared to death of it, and I knew I had to get it over with eventually.

My husband knew I'd been abused before he proposed, but I am not sure he understands the scope of it to this day

But back to the last post, I tried to have sex. Twice. I hated it both times, it was horrible and painful and I got nothing out of it.

I met my husband when I was 17 and he was 21. He was a bit more experienced than your average high schooler, so the sex was enjoyable.

GAF Bagels: Personal question - feel free to not answer or redact later - but do you still have problems with intimacy?

Nova: Yep, completely. I have several massive phobias that have caused problems with my relationship in the past

GAF Bagels: Such as?

Nova: I have a mouth phobia. If you've seen Signs, my family likes to tease me about being the 'It's contaminated!' girl. I can't drink from an open container. I had to convince myself that forks belonged in my mouth if they had food on them; before that I was losing enough weight that my mom was incredibly worried. So obviously, 'french kissing' and any kind of oral sex is right out.
I have recently gotten to the point where I can give my husband a handjob without having a flashback.
I am sure you can imagine where the mouth phobia stemmed from

GAF Bagels: yeah - no more details needed
GAF Bagels: You're lucky to have someone understanding
Nova: Yeah
Nova: About five years into our relationship, he got frustrated and blew up at me about the fact that I couldn't go down on him. It was a pretty horrible experience, but he left and talked to his friend about it (who grew up with him). His friend punched him and told him to go apologize heh. I think they had a LONG talk and he understands more know.

GAF Bagels: that's a good friend. That deserved a punch

GAF Bagels: I was trying to find the name for an oral phobia, and all I'm finding is dental phobia. Is going to the dentist a problem?

Nova: Yeah, it totally was. Because of the starvation as a child, my teeth were horrible for the longest time. It got to the point where they all basically rotted out of my mouth. I am sure embarrassed about it. I was still young when it happened, but the abuse I suffered and the fact that I didn't even know what a toothbrush was until I was 13 means I had very little chance of saving my teeth. The ensuing operations (the state paid for it all, which was amazing) caused many panic attacks, one to the point that the ambulance was called. But I got through it. And now I have really well done false teeth. Even though I know there wasn't much I could have done to prevent it, I am so embarrassed about the fact that I've had false teeth since I was a teen.

GAF Bagels: Being a parent, how has this affected how you are with your children? Are you ultra-protective?

GAF Bagels: I know if someone hurt my kid, I wouldn't stop at killing them. And I'm a pacifist weenie.

Nova: Yeah, I really am. Everyone says it’s to the point of over doing it, but I am not letting my kids go to someone's house when I don't know them or their parents.
I don't let them out of my sight, except to go to school

GAF Bagels: i can imagine
GAF Bagels: Do they know about what happened? i guess they might be a bit young. Will you tell them at some point?

Nova: They just know I had 'a bad daddy'. Yeah, I am not going to explain it to them yet. I've tried to teach them about 'bad touches' and if it happens to not hide it from me

GAF Bagels: Do you worry about - this is an odd question, but I've seen it come up in my psych work - having whatever genetic screwups that made your father the way he was? Not to say you can just blame his genes, but survivors of family abuse sometimes worry that they're "tainted" in some way

Nova: I have thought about it yeah. And it is an issue, at least for my siblings. They won’t have children.

GAF Bagels: That's heart-breaking.

Nova: So it's just me.

GAF Bagels: I'm glad you've made that choice.
GAF Bagels: The idea of a crime so heinous it poisons future generations is just...

Nova: It is at that, heh. Like I said, it was something that would have made national news in today’s 24 hour news cycle. But small town + con artist + scared children = incredibly light punishment and a silence around the crime 18 years ago.
But, I still am griped with depression occasionally, mostly because I feel useless. I got married right out of high school. So I was sheltered by my mother, and then by my husband.
Never worked, except when I started getting paid to write. And now that I’m older, I am so very tired of it.
It's sad that I am finally ready to start actually living my life and not hiding from the world, at in only took me till I was in my 30s heh

GAF Bagels: Can we talk more about the healing process?

Nova: Sure.

GAF Bagels: We kind of left off with your attempts in high school to "fix" yourself

Nova: Yeah. My obsession with distraction started then too heh. I tried to fix myself with sex, didn't work. That was awful. But obsession about fictional worlds really helped, in a weird way. I am sure it's not a healthy coping method, but it kinda works for me.

GAF Bagels: Fictional worlds like games, novels, movies?

Nova: Yeah

GAF Bagels: Any particular examples?

Nova: I like to say that Buffy the Vampire Slayer saved my life. X-Files. Those were the two when I was younger. Also, any RPG video game I dove right into. Books. I read everything I could get my hands on, Dragonlance and Anne Rice being the ones I remember the most. Also, I did the whole 'online roleplaying chat' thing that was popular in the early 90s. I never did the cybersex parts, but I loved playing characters online. It honestly helped me develop my writing as well.

Nova: Also, to this day: I can write horror like no other. I was hired for that skill and made several creepy args. But while I can eviscerate and craft things that make people cringe, I try to write anything romantic at all and I start cringing and blushing and looking over my shoulder.

GAF Bagels: I was a big Dragonlance fan, too! Have you ever thought to writing to any of the writers or creators of those worlds? I bet they'd be extremely gratified to hear how they helped you.

Nova: Joss Whedon, I did write to :)

GAF Bagels: did he reply?

Nova: No, but he has said in interviews that many people have told him that 'Buffy saved their lives' and it was a very humbling experience.

GAF Bagels: Cool!

GAF Bagels: Did you ever try any formal therapy?

Nova: I did some when I was a teen. I am thinking about getting into it again, but my last one told me that it’s very likely that I will never be able to get over my phobias. So I figure it's kinda pointless to go. When I can end my depression cycle by frantically googling [redacted] fanfic then why waste the money? heh

GAF Bagels: haha

GAF Bagels: Did you ever try any meds?

Nova: I tried paxil? I disliked the way it made me gain a bit of weight. And as someone who could already be described as 'frigid' on a good day, the sexual side effects sucked.

GAF Bagels: makes sense. There's some thought now that blood pressure meds can help with PTSD. I was just talking to my shrink about it

Nova: I've been told I likely have PTSD heh. I never really claim it though

GAF Bagels: Prazosin is the specific med

Nova: I might look into that.

GAF Bagels: it's also helpful with nightmares, if that's a problem

Nova: Yeah they can be. I haven't had any specific to my father since he died, but I do have some disturbing ones sometimes.

Nova:Mind if I take a ten minute break?

GAF Bagels: Sure!
GAF Bagels: "Since 1983 prazosin has revolutionized the management of severe scorpion stings." So there's that, too, I guess.

GAF Bagels: Here's a good chance for me to say that this is really how I hoped these interviews would go. This is a really powerful story. I've met victims of abuse in psych, but I've never heard a story quite like this. And I'm half-way through my OB/GYN rotation and I have yet to deal with any victims of abuse. Your candor in talking about your sex life will help me deal with that situation when it arises. So I really sincerely thank you for that.

Nova: Back

And you are welcome

I have struggled with a long time being about to even type about this stuff
Speaking about it is something I still have a hard time with

GAF Bagels: All I can say is that this will make me a better physician, which I consider extremely high praise
GAF Bagels: Seriously, thank you

Nova: You are very welcome.
Seriously, ask me anything. I am happy to help.

GAF Bagels: Okay, so you dabbled in therapy and meds without much success

Nova: You'd be surprised at how many doctors I have dealt with that made me feel a bit ashamed of my history.

GAF Bagels: Escapism, for lack of a better word, helped.

Nova: Yeah. Which I am aware is not exactly healthy.

GAF Bagels: If it works for you, it's not exactly unhealthy

Anything else that helped? What about your support system?

Nova: My mother has been very supportive.
My sibilings, well...we don't talk about it
Ever
It's like we pretend it never happened

GAF Bagels: Friends?

Nova: I have told my friends I was abused, in all the ways possible, and kinda leave it at that. I don't really talk about it with them, and the very rare occasion it actually comes up, most everyone just gets super uncomfortable and says stuff like 'Yeah you don't have to explain'.

GAF Bagels: Almost no one knows how to deal with that stuff. I have a hard time finding people I can talk with about my two friends who died

Nova: Honestly? Fandom has helping in shocking ways. Because so many women are in fandom, and there are many victims of abuse in fandom, the issue gets talked about A LOT

GAF Bagels: really? I never thought about that

Nova: it's so prevalent to discuss these things that every single piece of fanfiction comes with trigger warnings.

GAF Bagels: Where do you go for your fandom needs?

Nova: Used to I'd hang out on livejournal. There is still a pretty large fandom presence there, but it's died down over the years. Now they are mostly on tumblr, but I haven't really gotten into tumblr as much as I could. Random forums as well. But for fanfiction and discussion about things that fandom is interested in, I use AO3 (Archive of Our Own) and rarely, fanfiction.net

There have been many articles that fans have written about particular kinks and squicks (things that make you super uncomfortable) and how it relates to how some people have been abused.

Nova: For instance, I find a particular brand of fanfiction very appealing, and never really knew why. Hurt/comfort, or whump, as it's called. It's basically where a character you love is injured in some way, and someone else helps them through it. The general thought in fandom about this type of fiction and why it's so popular is that for people who have been through hell, it gives them some measure of hope. Or something to aspire too. Or even an unconscious desire to have someone actually care for them.

GAF Bagels: Sounds like a thesis project for someone - "the Psychology of Fandom"

Nova: I think there has been something like that at some point hee

Nova: Vidding is cathartic as well, because I can try and say things with music and visuals and metaphor. It's almost as creative as writing, and I actually put more thought into it than I do when writing. Writing just flows, with vidding, it's more...I dunno. Just more. And I wish it was a more legit hobby. Everyone on GAF sees it as incredibly silly and a waste of time.

GAF Bagels: Yes, the opinion of people who spend hours arguing which giant multinational corporation cares more about gamers is certainly worth considering :P

Nova: lol true
I would honestly love to share my vids with the gaf community in general, but am rather sure I'd just be trolled. There are some amazingly intelligent people on here, and I would love to know if they catch all my metaphor and little things, ya know?

GAF Bagels: so I always ask, you read the depression thread, is it helpful at all? Are there things you'd like to see discussed more? Less? And yes, everyone says it's depressing, but that's hard to avoid.

Nova: Yeah I think it's helpful
There is something about reading how other people are having a hard time as well, and seeing that there is hope, that is very comforting. Sometimes it's really frustrating. I want to shout at some people "Please, this life is worth so much, look at what I've struggled through, you can get through this!" but that would be awful of me.

GAF Bagels: Just a few more questions, unless there are things you'd like to cover

Nova: I think I've covered the majority of it, heh. I've had other instances of trauma in my life, but none that eclipses that.

GAF Bagels: Jeez
GAF Bagels: Want to say a word about that?

Nova: Well, I've lost several people close to me in car accidents. A really good friend, killed by a drunk a driver. My other mom's (my mom's best friend) oldest son, who basically grew up with me after my mom got us. And my mom's second husband. That's really tough. And then all the trauma with finding out about a birth defect and nearly losing my daughter because of it.

My birth defect, not hers.

Again, I have all these little things that make me super interesting! >.< I had the whole 'two uterus' thing. I am sure you've heard about it if you are studying OB

GAF Bagels: Ha! That was going to be my guess! I feel smart

Nova: Yay!

GAF Bagels: you are one resilient person!

Nova: I don't feel like it. But thanks hehe.
My daughter was quite a struggle to have born, but she is totally fine now, if a bit small. And they took the whole mess out, so no more scary pregnancies for me.

GAF Bagels: Any advice for people struggling with depression? Particularly people who have survived trauma or abuse? And any advice for people who are trying to help those people?

Nova: Don't close yourself off to the world. Being social helps in so many ways, even if it's just online. And if you don't want to talk about it, don't feel pressured to do so.

GAF Bagels: How can the rest of us best help?

Nova: By understanding that some people see things differently because of their trauma or abuse. And not treating them like freaks once that becomes apparent. That's just for the general population, not people like you.
Just being understanding in general, without being condescending can be a big help.

GAF Bagels: I think that's a lot of ground covered. Thanks so much

Nova: No problem.
I feel weird talking so much about myself, heh, but I hope I helped.

GAF Bagels: Thanks again. I think this will get a big response. If people have questions, can I have people direct them to me and pass them along to you?

Nova: Yeah, that will be fine.

GAF Bagels: Great! Don't be a stranger! I keep skype up more or less all the time. You're frankly a pretty amazing person.

Nova: Thanks, that means a lot. And the same to you, if you ever need to talk, I'm around pretty much always.

Many, many thanks to Nova for being so open and honest in dealing with such a difficult topic. I could not respect her more.
Click to expand...

Bump for the new page! ;)
 
RionaaM said:
This, so much this. Music can be both a strong depressive, or an effective uplifter. You just need to find something that fits with the mood you're in at the moment.

It's amazing how music can affect you, really.



They are helpful, yes. The interview with Nova showed me that people can go on despite having suffered through horrible things. The fact that she hasn't given up makes me feel ashamed of myself, for feeling depressed for stupid things that I can't even begin to compare with everything she went through. Her phrase, "Please, this life is worth so much, look at what I've struggled through, you can get through this!", is so true, and something I'll probably remember forever.

I praised you on the previous page, isn't that enough? :(

Big thanks to you and the interviewees for this interviews, once again!
Click to expand...

You stopped well short of worshiping me and proclaiming me a PSYCHIATRY GOD. Is that too much to ask?
 
RionaaM said:
They are helpful, yes. The interview with Nova showed me that people can go on despite having suffered through horrible things. The fact that she hasn't given up makes me feel ashamed of myself, for feeling depressed for stupid things that I can't even begin to compare with everything she went through. Her phrase, "Please, this life is worth so much, look at what I've struggled through, you can get through this!", is so true, and something I'll probably remember forever.

I praised you on the previous page, isn't that enough? :(

Big thanks to you and the interviewees for this interviews, once again!
Click to expand...

I don't think it's a matter of you can stop being depressed because someone else experienced something far worse than you.
(From experience it never works like this, at all).
It's not a matter of "one-upping" on terms if you should be depressed because someone experienced something worse than you.
Not to say you should go back to being depressed, but just saying.

My point is don't feel ashamed because your problems you deem are stupid things, they are big deal to you alone(and perhaps your loved ones), and even that should be enough.

You're welcome! I hope they helped people somehow.

Bagels said:
You stopped well short of worshiping me and proclaiming me a PSYCHIATRY GOD. Is that too much to ask?
Click to expand...

...You haven't slept lately have you? D:
 
Oomikami said:
I don't think it's a matter of you can stop being depressed because someone else experienced something far worse than you.
(From experience it never works like this, at all).
It's not a matter of "one-upping" on terms if you should be depressed because someone experienced something worse than you.
Not to say you should go back to being depressed, but just saying.

My point is don't feel ashamed because your problems you deem are stupid things, they are big deal to you alone(and perhaps your loved ones), and even that should be enough.

You're welcome! I hope they helped people somehow.
Click to expand...
But I feel like my problems deserve to be laughed at, they're totally insignificant. I mean, I haven't been sexually, verbally or physically abused, nor have a dysfunctional family. I have some friends, though I don't see them often. I don't have a reason to feel this way, apart from being forever alone and rarely going out of my home, if it weren't for work (I even dropped all of this year's subjects at the university). I can't explain my total lack of motivation for everything. In fact, knowing that I'm feeling down for nothing makes me feel more depressed, as contradictory as it may sound.

The only thing I'm looking forward to in my life is buying a sax and learning to play it. But given my current experience with the bass (which I bought a couple of months ago) I know I'll be excited for a while, then realise I completely suck at it and will never get any better, and resort to play it once every 2 weeks at most, and only if I'm in the right mood.
 
RionaaM said:
But I feel like my problems deserve to be laughed at, they're totally insignificant. I mean, I haven't been sexually, verbally or physically abused, nor have a dysfunctional family. I have some friends, though I don't see them often. I don't have a reason to feel this way, apart from being forever alone and rarely going out of my home, if it weren't for work (I even dropped all of this year's subjects at the university). I can't explain my total lack of motivation for everything. In fact, knowing that I'm feeling down for nothing makes me feel more depressed, as contradictory as it may sound.

The only thing I'm looking forward to in my life is buying a sax and learning to play it. But given my current experience with the bass (which I bought a couple of months ago) I know I'll be excited for a while, then realise I completely suck at it and will never get any better, and resort to play it once every 2 weeks at most, and only if I'm in the right mood.
Click to expand...

You have depression, that is enough to make most problems serious, whether you think it is or not.
If you feel you don't want to go out of the house often and are forever alone, that's because of depression.
(I know the feeling of dropping majority of subjects at university because of depression...Did that sophmore year because I literally needed time off to recover).
There's nothing to laugh about it.

Putting at it in another angle, if you do think it's something to laugh about, you're only hurting yourself and ignoring the problem at hand.
Recalling from my interview, I thought everything I did in high school was just nothing to worry about.
I melted down just from the fact I was being controlled by my parents.
Most adults at the time would think, "Get over it, it'll be better when you're older".
That's not the problem.
If I just ignored it, it just assures me that this is what my life will be like, trapped and out of control of my own life.
Therefore having feelings of insecurity and feeling unable to do anything (which to this day I fight against...)
Even if you think that's not the case, depression doesn't need a reason to feel down often.
You'll feel down no matter what happens sometimes.
Just this Monday, I literally had no problems that day and life was fantastic.
I still got depressed for no reason and I started to melt down.
That's just what depression does.

I had exact same experience when I picked up the ocarina, I was excited for a few months, but boy do I suck.
It sounds like a horrible whistle whenever I play...
Still, depression will make you feel you have no interest in anything.
Isn't there something that made you want to pick up the bass?
Rediscover that reason, and start playing an old song you used to play.

...Sorry I think I went overboard, but I hope you understand what I mean.
 
RionaaM said:
But I feel like my problems deserve to be laughed at, they're totally insignificant. I mean, I haven't been sexually, verbally or physically abused, nor have a dysfunctional family. I have some friends, though I don't see them often. I don't have a reason to feel this way, apart from being forever alone and rarely going out of my home, if it weren't for work (I even dropped all of this year's subjects at the university). I can't explain my total lack of motivation for everything. In fact, knowing that I'm feeling down for nothing makes me feel more depressed, as contradictory as it may sound.

The only thing I'm looking forward to in my life is buying a sax and learning to play it. But given my current experience with the bass (which I bought a couple of months ago) I know I'll be excited for a while, then realise I completely suck at it and will never get any better, and resort to play it once every 2 weeks at most, and only if I'm in the right mood.
Click to expand...

No one's problems deserve scorn or to be laughed out. It doesn't matter if you didn't have a horrible life, you FEEL horrible. No one's depression is more valid than anyone elses. You don't feel down for nothing, you feel down because you are depressed. Please try to take HOPE from other peoples stories, but don't feel bad if you aren't as bad off as they are; I think the whole point of this project is to show that people of all sorts can have horrible depression, and that they can rise above it.
 
So my government teacher is being nice and letting me take the test I missed, hell yeah. Just need to talk my English teacher about my essay now. The few days before today were really terrible, I was just so unmotivated and wallowing down, I even called into work. I feel a lot better now though. :)
 
Oomikami said:
You have depression, that is enough to make most problems serious, whether you think it is or not.
If you feel you don't want to go out of the house often and are forever alone, that's because of depression.
(I know the feeling of dropping majority of subjects at university because of depression...Did that sophmore year because I literally needed time off to recover).
There's nothing to laugh about it.

Putting at it in another angle, if you do think it's something to laugh about, you're only hurting yourself and ignoring the problem at hand.
Recalling from my interview, I thought everything I did in high school was just nothing to worry about.
I melted down just from the fact I was being controlled by my parents.
Most adults at the time would think, "Get over it, it'll be better when you're older".
That's not the problem.
If I just ignored it, it just assures me that this is what my life will be like, trapped and out of control of my own life.
Therefore having feelings of insecurity and feeling unable to do anything (which to this day I fight against...)
Even if you think that's not the case, depression doesn't need a reason to feel down often.
You'll feel down no matter what happens sometimes.
Just this Monday, I literally had no problems that day and life was fantastic.
I still got depressed for no reason and I started to melt down.
That's just what depression does.

I had exact same experience when I picked up the ocarina, I was excited for a few months, but boy do I suck.
It sounds like a horrible whistle whenever I play...
Still, depression will make you feel you have no interest in anything.
Isn't there something that made you want to pick up the bass?
Rediscover that reason, and start playing an old song you used to play.

...Sorry I think I went overboard, but I hope you understand what I mean.
Click to expand...
The bolded part is exactly what I feel. I'm sure that I'm doomed to always be like this, and that scares me.

Actually, I'm not forever alone because of the depression, it's the other way round. I'm depressed due to my loneliness. Same with not going out of home often. And it's a vicious circle, me feeling this way made me grow apart from some people, and stopped having contact with them at all, which in turn drags me down deeper. And I know that as long as I feel like this, I'll never be with someone, because who could want to be with someone like me? I certainly wouldn't.

Yeah, it's horrible when you feel down out of the blue. Something you hear, or see, or think, or maybe nothing at all, and your average day turns to bad.

Ocarina? Let me guess, you tried playing Saria's Song or Zelda's Lullaby, right?
I think the reason I picked up the bass was due to a friend convincing me to, actually. I wanted to play sax since I was... 14 I think? and started listening to a couple of bands that used it in some of their songs. And a friend who plays guitar told me he could do with a bassist, so he could have someone to play with. And that someone ended up being me, once I started working earlier this year and saved enough money to buy one. I like and enjoy playing it, but it doesn't mean that I'm good at it, and I somehow manage to screw up even the easiest songs. But you're right, I should practice more, it's not like I have something better to do with my time, but the fact that I don't see myself improving demotivates me a lot.

Thanks a lot for the reply, and for reading my stupid comments and stuff.



Fiction said:
No one's problems deserve scorn or to be laughed out. It doesn't matter if you didn't have a horrible life, you FEEL horrible. No one's depression is more valid than anyone elses. You don't feel down for nothing, you feel down because you are depressed. Please try to take HOPE from other peoples stories, but don't feel bad if you aren't as bad off as they are; I think the whole point of this project is to show that people of all sorts can have horrible depression, and that they can rise above it.
Click to expand...
I get what you're saying, but knowing that some people got through much, MUCH worse things while I can't deal with my little problems makes me feel worthless and useless.
 
RionaaM said:
The bolded part is exactly what I feel. I'm sure that I'm doomed to always be like this, and that scares me.

Actually, I'm not forever alone because of the depression, it's the other way round. I'm depressed due to my loneliness. Same with not going out of home often. And it's a vicious circle, me feeling this way made me grow apart from some people, and stopped having contact with them at all, which in turn drags me down deeper. And I know that as long as I feel like this, I'll never be with someone, because who could want to be with someone like me? I certainly wouldn't.

Yeah, it's horrible when you feel down out of the blue. Something you hear, or see, or think, or maybe nothing at all, and your average day turns to bad.

Ocarina? Let me guess, you tried playing Saria's Song or Zelda's Lullaby, right?
I think the reason I picked up the bass was due to a friend convincing me to, actually. I wanted to play sax since I was... 14 I think? and started listening to a couple of bands that used it in some of their songs. And a friend who plays guitar told me he could do with a bassist, so he could have someone to play with. And that someone ended up being me, once I started working earlier this year and saved enough money to buy one. I like and enjoy playing it, but it doesn't mean that I'm good at it, and I somehow manage to screw up even the easiest songs. But you're right, I should practice more, it's not like I have something better to do with my time, but the fact that I don't see myself improving demotivates me a lot.

Thanks a lot for the reply, and for reading my stupid comments and stuff.




I get what you're saying, but knowing that some people got through much, MUCH worse things while I can't deal with my little problems makes me feel worthless and useless.
Click to expand...


No problem is little. It's very likely that your depression stems from a chemical imbalance in your brain. It's an illness, but it's not a weakness. You are tough as SHIT for struggling through when your brain keeps trying to convince you that everything is meaningless. You are outsmarting your damned brain, after all.

Please don't let other people's stories get you down. There is likely folks out there that have the perfect life that are struggling with depression that would look at your story and feel the same way. But everyone's stories are important, and meaningful.
 
Really, really well said Oomikami and Fiction. People have such a tough time with depression because it's not a rational illness. You don't necessarily feel bad in direct proportion to how bad things really are. But your brain goes ahead and maxes out the awful feelings anyway. I used to tell people I woke up every day and my best friend had just died - that's what I felt like. Then of course my best friend did die and it felt awful, but at least it made sense! When your feelings don't match what's going on, it really does make you go crazy.

There's a weird paradox you have to live with when your disease is one of irrationality. You can read Nova's story and draw strength and inspiration from how she has survived and made a fulfilling life for herself. She deserves all the respect in the world. At the same time, you can acknowledge that she has survived far worse than you have (for someone like me, anyway. I'm not saying others in this thread haven't been through some shit. You know what I mean!) but you CANNOT fall into the trap of feeling worse about yourself because on some objective level your problems aren't as bad as someone else's. This is what every moron without depression will tell you - "Cheer up! What do you have to be depressed about?" The correct response is, of course, "you're right. It's like, what do all these sick people have to have cancer about? They should feel better!"

You're depressed. You have a disease, an illness, no less real than cancer or diabetes or anything else. Your disease attacks your brain and mind and makes you feel sad and slow and tired and all the rest.

These interviews are meant to show that we're not alone. You can and will make it through even truly terrible things. People have different ways to cope and I hope that people will read what others have done and are doing and find some new things that help.


Oomikami did sort of an impromptu interview with me last night (I feel like someone should interview me - maybe I'll take questions via PM and have one of my past interviewees interview me? - if for no other reason than people apparently think I'm super old. Also, as I like to tell people, I'm fucking fascinating.) she got to hear about the handful of truly awful events in my life. But really, my story is one of a middle class kid who grew up in a wonderful
town, got to travel to cool places, has an amazing, loving family, always had great friends, fell in love and have a wonderful family of my own, kicked ass in college and basically got to decide what I most wanted to do with my life, am studying medicine, which is one of many passions, and have heard all kinds of nice things for trying my best to help people in this thread (and in my "real" life). I live a dream life, I really do. But here's the thing - I can type all this because I took a leave of absence from school starting on Monday because the depression was coming back and I couldn't manage it AND keep doing my rotation. As much as I know about depression and as many depressed people as I have talked to (and I'm grateful for all of you who share your struggles with me. It's not a bother, it's a privilege and it's a form of therapy for me) I still need to remind myself that I can have a fairly happy life and still be depressed as fuck. You can eat nothing but the finest organic produce your whole life, run marathons, and drop dead of a heart attack at 35, you know?
 
I'm sitting outside a restaurant waiting for a singles meetup group that starts in about ten minutes.

I am extremely nervous. Almost considering not even going in.

So I expect I'll either be particularly depressed tonight if it goes poorly, or particularly jovial if it goes well.
 
KevinCow said:
I'm sitting outside a restaurant waiting for a singles meetup group that starts in about ten minutes.

I am extremely nervous. Almost considering not even going in.

So I expect I'll either be particularly depressed tonight if it goes poorly, or particularly jovial if it goes well.
Click to expand...

Go in and have a blast. Even if you don't find someone to date, you'll be hanging out with folks. That's always a plus. And if you don't go in you'll beat yourself up about it.
 
Surface of Me said:
So my government teacher is being nice and letting me take the test I missed, hell yeah. Just need to talk my English teacher about my essay now. The few days before today were really terrible, I was just so unmotivated and wallowing down, I even called into work. I feel a lot better now though. :)
Click to expand...

I remember there was a quote by someone (I forget at the moment) that human matters are never concrete or everlasting. The point is that you should know that the bad will eventually come to pass and give way to the good. What's more, you shouldn't be so sad that the good passes away because that's natural (you wouldn't even enjoy the good if you didn't have bad in your life) and also the fact that you're sad about its passing means it was indeed good.

KevinCow said:
I'm sitting outside a restaurant waiting for a singles meetup group that starts in about ten minutes.

I am extremely nervous. Almost considering not even going in.

So I expect I'll either be particularly depressed tonight if it goes poorly, or particularly jovial if it goes well.
Click to expand...

You should be jovial if you get a chick or not because you're putting yourself out there and choosing to put forth an effort :)
 
KevinCow said:
I'm sitting outside a restaurant waiting for a singles meetup group that starts in about ten minutes.

I am extremely nervous. Almost considering not even going in.

So I expect I'll either be particularly depressed tonight if it goes poorly, or particularly jovial if it goes well.
Click to expand...

Knock 'em dead! The important thing is just getting out there. That's the hard part.
 
Hm... I get the impression that my therapist isn't sure how to continue with me. :( I can't give up because otherwise I'm dooming myself to a life time of misery.

I just don't think there's a way to feel good about how I look. I'm kind of hoping for "when I look in the mirror, I don't cringe/want to cry/want to punch myself in the face". I think that's about as good as I can hope for.

And I'm just done with thinking about dating. I could never trust a guy enough to be in a healthy relationship, and the thought of me+sex is just too disgusting to me. So...that is just off the table.

Hm... These thoughts are sad... :(
 
Went out, got high, did sheesha, got sick and threw up (the fucking smell, I couldn't take it), got paranoid (which means I got anxious and almost cried), watched other people smoke some more, came home. Now I feel sick again.
Terrible Halloween to go along with a terrible day (more on that later).

I hate how I choose to self-medicate, and I hate myself for it. I want to die.
 
Leeness said:
Hm... I get the impression that my therapist isn't sure how to continue with me. :( I can't give up because otherwise I'm dooming myself to a life time of misery.

I just don't think there's a way to feel good about how I look. I'm kind of hoping for "when I look in the mirror, I don't cringe/want to cry/want to punch myself in the face". I think that's about as good as I can hope for.

And I'm just done with thinking about dating. I could never trust a guy enough to be in a healthy relationship, and the thought of me+sex is just too disgusting to me. So...that is just off the table.

Hm... These thoughts are sad... :(
Click to expand...

The sad truth is almost no one really likes how they look - even the incredibly handsome, like me - and if they do, they're generally assholes.

Therapists can hit a brick wall. There are always others. Having an open discussion with your therapist - "I'm not sure we're making progress" - can be a good thing.

Trying to plan ahead for dating is like...I dunno, trying to plan ahead for a car wreck. You can think, "okay, it'll go like this, and then I'll do this and this..." but once it starts, all bets are off. It's shit advice, but try not to stress out about it.
 
Leeness said:
Hm... I get the impression that my therapist isn't sure how to continue with me. :( I can't give up because otherwise I'm dooming myself to a life time of misery.

I just don't think there's a way to feel good about how I look. I'm kind of hoping for "when I look in the mirror, I don't cringe/want to cry/want to punch myself in the face". I think that's about as good as I can hope for.

And I'm just done with thinking about dating. I could never trust a guy enough to be in a healthy relationship, and the thought of me+sex is just too disgusting to me. So...that is just off the table.

Hm... These thoughts are sad... :(
Click to expand...

Hey, being asexual is a completely valid life choice. If you aren't ready for sex, you don't have to have it. And yes, like Bagels said, everyone has self esteem issues. I hate the way I look unless I put hours into it, and I am seriously too lazy to ever do that.


Windam said:
Went out, got high, did sheesha, got sick and threw up (the fucking smell, I couldn't take it), got paranoid (which means I got anxious and almost cried), watched other people smoke some more, came home. Now I feel sick again.
Terrible Halloween to go along with a terrible day (more on that later).

I hate how I choose to self-medicate, and I hate myself for it. I want to die.
Click to expand...

I am all hilariously naive and don't know what sheesha is, but it doesn't sound good. :( I hope you feel better soon. Maybe curl up in a dark room and try to sleep it off?
 
Bagels said:
The sad truth is almost no one really likes how they look - even the incredibly handsome, like me - and if they do, they're generally assholes.

Therapists can hit a brick wall. There are always others. Having an open discussion with your therapist - "I'm not sure we're making progress" - can be a good thing.

Trying to plan ahead for dating is like...I dunno, trying to plan ahead for a car wreck. You can think, "okay, it'll go like this, and then I'll do this and this..." but once it starts, all bets are off. It's shit advice, but try not to stress out about it.
Click to expand...

I dunno if I can make progress... lol. That's the thing. I just don't think there's a way for me to be happy with how I look. So...my goal is simply not wanting to break a mirror every time I look into it.

And I like her and think she can maybe help me. We just don't know how. :(

Fiction said:
Hey, being asexual is a completely valid life choice. If you aren't ready for sex, you don't have to have it. And yes, like Bagels said, everyone has self esteem issues. I hate the way I look unless I put hours into it, and I am seriously too lazy to ever do that.
Click to expand...

That's not it, though... I'd like to have sex...if I wasn't so ugly and the thought of it was disgusting. :/ I'd feel like a horrible human being if I could manage to trick a guy into wanting to sleep with me. haha... And even if I did, just the thought of me having sex disgusts me. Like... if I was someone else? It'd be cool, I wouldn't be so ugly, the thought of it wouldn't make me nauseous.
 
Fiction said:
Hey, being asexual is a completely valid life choice. If you aren't ready for sex, you don't have to have it. And yes, like Bagels said, everyone has self esteem issues. I hate the way I look unless I put hours into it, and I am seriously too lazy to ever do that.
Click to expand...

And look at that picture of Fiction in her avatar! Those cheekbones!


I don't know what sheesha is either. I am so out of touch with drug culture, which I guess is actually a good thing...
 
I'm depressed but it's way better than the general anxiety disorder and panic attacks it used to be. My life was/is astoundingly fucked up anyway so it's a miracle I'm a stable person.
 
Leeness said:
I dunno if I can make progress... lol. That's the thing. I just don't think there's a way for me to be happy with how I look. So...my goal is simply not wanting to break a mirror every time I look into it.

And I like her and think she can maybe help me. We just don't know how. :(



That's not it, though... I'd like to have sex...if I wasn't so ugly and the thought of it was disgusting. :/ I'd feel like a horrible human being if I could manage to trick a guy into wanting to sleep with me. haha... And even if I did, just the thought of me having sex disgusts me. Like... if I was someone else? It'd be cool, I wouldn't be so ugly, the thought of it wouldn't make me nauseous.
Click to expand...


Have you talked to your doctor about the possibility of having dysmorphia? I am not sure what the treatment options for it would be, but it really seems like that could be the case in this instance.
 
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