Depression

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xelios said:
Holy shit. I'm so gonna keep complaining until I'm off this one or at least at a dose where I'm not desperate enough to eat out of the garbage. Even 25mg puts me to sleep (I have insomnia for years) but she claims I'm on more for my mood, which I understand. I guess to prevent hypomania. But seriously, you have to weigh the side effects with the benefits.
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Since it might interest you, atypicals don't work in a very strait-forward, dose-dependant way. Higher dosages aren't just stronger, they are entirely different drugs with entirely different effects.

Seroquel is a great example of this, when the guys at AstraZeneca were developing quetiapine, they were targeting schizophrenia and BPD-mania and settled on a molecule that's promiscuous, meaning it has affinity for several noteworthy receptors. The molecule, by design, hits H1 (histamine) very hard; it's a good target given the coupling between mania, activation and insomnia. It has 40X the affinity for H1 than D2/D1, the dopamine receptors which are the ultimate target of neuroleptics and the basis of treating psychosis. So, imagine if there is 1 dopamine receptor and 1 histamine receptor sitting around and in pops one molecule of Seroquel, where will it go? Turns out, it's 40X more likely to be in the histamine one, making you sleepy. To have an effect on dopamine, you basically, need to fill the higher affinity pool of receptors until there is enough free Seroquel to bind (probabilistically) to the lower affinity one.

In fact, before the molecule can influence dopaminergic signaling to an appreciable extent (between 60 and 80% occupancy), they need to occupy not only the histamine receptors, but then a1-adrenergic (dizziness, weight gain), then 5-HT/Serotonin (mood-ish), and finally D2/D1/etc...

So, that's why 25mg of quetiapine will put you to sleep, but 800mg will not kill you. From 25 to 50mg is a big jump in sedation, but going to 400 to 800 isn't since you've already saturated your histamine receptors and have moved to occupying a1 and then 5HT and finally D1/D2/Dx with the circulating drug. And actually, many become less sleepy due to activating effects downstream of the lower affinity receptors. Here's the question to be completed at home is: if your molecule of quetiapine is bound to H1 and not a dopamine receptor, is the drug really acting as an antipsychotic?

The take home is that saying your p-doc had you on Seroquel and it didn't work means nothing. The real question is at what dosage?

In terms of using it as an antidepressant adjunct, the AstraZeneca reps and researchers (in no specific order) claim it's due to inhibiting the norepinephrine transporter. IMHO, the jury is still out on that one as occupancy of NET is quite low at the 150 and 300mg levels they submitted to the FDA. Yet, AstraZeneca has data showing it's useful down to 50mg. And at only 25mg, you're popping the finest anti-histamine around! Sleep up!
 
BigSicily said:
The take home is that saying your p-doc had you on Seroquel and it didn't work means nothing. The real question is at what dosage?
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Thanks for all the information, that was interesting. It does work. For my insomnia at 25mg and my mood at 200mg, so what you said makes sense. That's the most I've ever been on and I don't know where the border is, or if more would work better (I'm on 150 now btw, just was saying that it only takes 25 for sleep).

Haven't been on the higher dose long enough to know anything except that it makes me less anxious, less irritable and have less mood changes within a single day. I've been noticeably more level the past couple weeks, of course now I'm also having to be more self-aware.

My Lamictal is not really at a therapeutic dose yet, but the Dr. and I both seem to be counting on that to come to the rescue quite a bit. I thought I had far more depressive episodes than hypomanic, but she seems to disagree; I'm only good at noticing when I'm depressed apparently and my borderline personality disorder/PTSD kinda blurs the lines, too. She thinks a lot of the anger/irritation comes from there because it seems to be persistent throughout my episodes and is far more easily stirred by males. I'm also high risk when it comes to impulsive behavior.
 
tearsofash said:
I've been doing Lesser Banishing Ritual of the Pentagram and the Middle Pillar for a week now. They do a decent job, but they don't help with my anxiety, extreme agitation, or panic attacks. Thankfully I went to the doctors today and got anti-convulsants to take care of that.
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lol

Yeah not sure if he was being facetious or not but I've definitely exhausted all those chakra-ish paths.

Another behavior I wanted to touch on is I often write things (on GAF but other places too) I later go back and can't recognize it was written by me, it doesn't seem like my personality or I feel like I have to rationalize my reason for writing it now when I didn't then. I do the same with things I've said to someone and they bring it up at a later time and I'm like, "I said that?" Then I'll try to rationalize it in the here and the now when I have no idea why I would have said it in the first place.

One example is going back and deleting long, detailed posts I made when I was really down (even in this thread) because they seem embarrassing or TMI when I'm not.
 
I didn't click the chakra links because i'm on my phone, but all my mom's pranic healing stuff says it is not a replacement for modern medicine, it just assists it.
 
Op make a check list:

-Do you have your health.
-Are your loved ones dead or suffering?
-Did some terrible injustice happen?
-do you have insurmountable debt?
-did you do something heinous?

If no to all, why kill yourself, you are more fortunate than like 70 percent of people out there.

Regular sleep pattern ,steady diet, sunlight and exercise go a long way to fighting depression btw, more than any pill ever will unless you are at the point where you have to block stuff out.

That alternative medicine nonsense will help even less, unless you are incredibly naive and get some class A placebo effect.
 
It's been close to two years since I needed to post in this thread, but recently I'm being hit with those familiar thoughts and emotions and urges again... There have been some shifts in my routines and rhythms and also in the life of someone I care very deeply for, and change is something I've always been terrible at dealing with. It feels like everything I've worked towards and am trying to hold on to is slipping away, that I'm never going to be "good enough." I find myself on the verge of tears numerous times throughout the day, binge eating for relief (which, of course, just make it worse) and angrily lashing out at whatever hard surface happens to be nearby because physically expressing frustration is easier than trying to comprehend why virtually nothing has ever gone right in my life.

It's an odd realization being able to put yourself outside of all of this and see how illogical and foolish the behavior is, and yet not have the strength or willpower to stop. I thought after the last year, having gone through some therapy and being in a better overall frame of mind, that perhaps this bullshit might've been behind me once and for all, but that obviously was shortsighted and embarrassingly optimistic.
 
Cubsfan23 said:
you don't need pills. Balance your chakras.

http://iso-tones.com/ChakraMeditation.mp3

http://iso-tones.com/ChakraBalancing.mp3
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Ugh...

I don't mean to be rude, but chakra is bunk. Granted, if you believe it will work it may do so for mild depression. After all, sugar pills have been found to be just as effective as antidepressants for mild depression.

I just wouldn't say "you don't need pills" to someone with moderate to severe depression. Or at the very least don't say "you don't need pills" and give them something that amounts to snake oil.


SneakyStephan said:
Op make a check list:

-Do you have your health.
-Are your loved ones dead or suffering?
-Did some terrible injustice happen?
-do you have insurmountable debt?
-did you do something heinous?

If no to all, why kill yourself, you are more fortunate than like 70 percent of people out there
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Not sure if I actually have clinical depression, but there are times when I've certainly felt "depressed" and thinking rationally doesn't do the trick. In fact it makes it even worse for me. I think about how objectively great my life is, and yet I'm not happy. It only serves to make my feel like I don't deserve to be alive.
 
I was clinically depressed about 3 years ago. Consumed me. I had no energy, was always apathetic, and was self- depreciating.

Eventually, I got into matial arts, and as time went on, I just sort of phased out. When you reach a certain stage in any martial art, where sets become larger and more repetitive, you learn to zone out and go into more of a blank trance; that is of course, if you want to finish the sets. Seriously, once you get to a certain limit, it will be near impossible to think, and train, so depression should slowly fade.

I'm not trying to say anything, but just saying from personal experience, I've done that training ever since for a standard of 4 hours a day, and somewhere along the line, I lost some basic emotions or cues, such as when to laugh, get angry etc. Only for a little while though, but that may have been only for me.

You should consider going into martial arts, or even a competitive sport if you like interaction.
 
Nix said:
I was clinically depressed about 3 years ago. Consumed me. I had no energy, was always apathetic, and was self- depreciating.
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This is exactly how I am. I sleep for 12 hours a day, I never leave the house unless it's for work, I purposely work in a factory with no windows so that I don't have to see anyone else.

I have not been in a relationship for over 5 years because I don't think I'm good enough for anyone and I'd give anything a day as someone else so I could see myself how others see me and see WTF the problem is with me. I haven't had a friend or really spoken to anyone since I left school 9 years ago :/ this shit is enough to drive a person insane.

BTW Nix, sorry for quoting the least important part of your post.
 
I've been dealing with depression for 2 years now and it almost messed up my whole 'career'. I was in a university in the us and I lost my scholarship, so my company transferred me a university in saudi arabia. It's good that I'm still sponsored by this company, but for me, living in saudi is very very difficult. Everything is depressing here and I'm trying not to fuck up the second chance this company gave me.

I'm off meds since I didn't think they were helping at all. And I think I'm starting to lose some friends with my 'controversial' religion debates, I really need to keep my mouth shut. I'm thinking of immigrating to another country but I'm on contract with my company right now, so I dunno if I can take 7 more years of this :/ and I've had way too many suicidal thoughts lately, it's scaring me.

EDIT: Plus, I have had acne for almost a year now and it's only getting worse and I've gained a lot of weight.
 
anyone take seroquel XR 200mg? I cut in half to take it and still feel bloody sleepy. Its been 3 months taking this for bipolar disorder (or borderline, whatever) and its like I am stoned. I also take valdoxan 25mg.
goddamn medications.
 
I just take the normal Seroquel but I know XR type medications can release wrong/instantly instead of over time like they're supposed to if you cut them. Did your psychiatrist tell you to do that? Have you told him/her that it's making you a zombie? They should lower the dose if it's affecting you that badly. I only take mine (150mg) at bedtime, anyway.
 
I take in bedtime too, but this Seroquel XR 200mg without cutting in half makes me sleep 14h at minimal. In half its less sedating. The doc told me to take seroquel normal 150mg but the normal one have a effect like half a day. At night I am depressed again, with not happens with the XR. I am gonna ask to take 150mg or 100mg of the XR, until them I will take this box here that I still have of the 200mg in half.
 
Hmm yeah that's odd, because the effects of an extended release pill which has been cut should not last an entire day either.

It's a good idea to ask them to lower your dose because XR, CR, etc. are not meant to be cut; it shortens their effect.

200mg of Seroquel made me sleep about 12 hours also, one of the reasons I asked for a lower dose.

Bomber Bob said:
I was depressed every single day until I stared jogging every single day.

That shit put me up
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Exercise does make you feel better. I did P90x for a long time, and do parts of it from memory and improv stuff now and it makes me feel better about myself. It certainly won't cure the depressive episodes of bipolar, major depressive disorder etc. though.
 
strange that with the normal one the doc asked to be taked its one pill 100mg and one pill 50 mg (100mg cut in half)
yes I know that can't be cut in half but what to do. the chick that its my doc do not respond emails or cel and I have to wait until the next appointment
 
I have a problem with depression i suppose. Generally im happy, but the more i think, the less i care.

ive come to the realization that nothing matters, right? Like in the grand scheme of things, i dont matter. Not only do i not matter, but humans dont matter, our planet doesnt matter, tomorrow the world could be wiped out, and would it matter? A massive loss of life, it would be terrible, but would it matter? I mean.. nothing matters really. Over the course of human civilization, weve developed some pretty cool shit, but its all so fickle..And weve never learned anything more about our existence.. In the universal scale i mean..we know nothing..Which is kinda cool if you think about it.. but i dont feel like were ever going to learn anything either, not at this rate...at this rate i think its highly more likely well be wiped out before we are discovering the universe.

I also dont give a fuck about buying shit. Ive come to the realization that very rarely does something i buy give me true joy and happiness for very long. And most expensive things, things you need a college degree to buy are just bullshit to make yourself feel superior..

So i dont give a fuck about money besides basic living, so that destroys any motivation i can have to trying to get a better job...because i dont give a fuck about the money.. Which sucks because if youre not a rich asshole, youre a poor pathetic person in this country.

EEEEH i could go on..for a while... but im feeling bad because i dont want to depress already depressed people.. But it does help to get some out of it out. I think.
 
Depression is at it's all time high for me..I do what I can to keep myself steady (Walking around, keeping myself busy, playing games or just anything that makes me happy) but nothing seems to work anymore. Iv never worked a day in my life because i never finished High school so it's been a struggle to get anything so i decided to go back to school (Im 25 btw) and i went for a year studying for my GED and i get to my finals and i pass everything but math by 1 fucking point!! So i failed and i cant see school again for quite sometime cause it's hard to find good programs in NYC so i don't have that or a job to occupy me. I can't be in my house cause being alone for too long drives me crazy.

Plus all i keep thinking about is my ex and how i can't be with her and how much i still love her and think about her everyday..It's been about a year now and since we broke up but, the pain doesn't fade..This keeps me up at night along with all the other stresses like my mom and ect. Sometimes i just want to die but then i think about everyone else and how it wouldn't be fair to leave them like that plus i do love my life...It's just so freaking hard when i can't find a job because i dropped out when i was younger...I regret it..It does help to get some of this out abit cause i feel like i have no one to talk to about how i feel anymore..
 
Cosmic Bus said:
It's been close to two years since I needed to post in this thread, but recently I'm being hit with those familiar thoughts and emotions and urges again... There have been some shifts in my routines and rhythms and also in the life of someone I care very deeply for, and change is something I've always been terrible at dealing with. It feels like everything I've worked towards and am trying to hold on to is slipping away, that I'm never going to be "good enough." I find myself on the verge of tears numerous times throughout the day, binge eating for relief (which, of course, just make it worse) and angrily lashing out at whatever hard surface happens to be nearby because physically expressing frustration is easier than trying to comprehend why virtually nothing has ever gone right in my life.

It's an odd realization being able to put yourself outside of all of this and see how illogical and foolish the behavior is, and yet not have the strength or willpower to stop. I thought after the last year, having gone through some therapy and being in a better overall frame of mind, that perhaps this bullshit might've been behind me once and for all, but that obviously was shortsighted and embarrassingly optimistic.
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I've always enjoyed seeing your bread and other culinary creations in the IronGAF thread, I'm very sorry to hear that those thoughts and emotions that contribute to your depression have returned . As a sufferer of depression for many years, I feel they never go away. They just lay dormant in the darkness, ready to surface when you're at your most vulnerable. It sounds like we use similar methods to try and cope with them. Just last week I caught myself punching the stairwell wall at work. And for at least the past month, I was making midnight runs to Jack in the Box or In n Out after I had already had dinner. But punching walls and scarfing down a thousand calories in one sitting only provides me temporary reprieve.

Do you have friends you can talk to or access to professional help? It sounds like you're overwhelmed by your current circumstances, it might help if you had someone you trusted who could talk you through them and help you make sense of them, or at the very least, help you manage them mentally. When I was going through a particularly difficult time where I didn't know how I was going to take care of my mom and her health issues, all the anxiety and darkness associated with my lingering depression came back. I had reverted to old habits of binge eating, I wasn't motivated at work, and all I wanted to do all day was stay in bed. But I had a good friend who talked to me and always helped break down my current situation until it didn't seem as bad. He helped me take small steps to turn my world right-side up again. I hope you can do the same.
 
Ah, I meant to reply to this last night...

PartlyCloudlike said:
As a sufferer of depression for many years, I feel they never go away. They just lay dormant in the darkness, ready to surface when you're at your most vulnerable.

Do you have friends you can talk to or access to professional help? It sounds like you're overwhelmed by your current circumstances, it might help if you had someone you trusted who could talk you through them and help you make sense of them, or at the very least, help you manage them mentally.
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The first part is quite true. Even in good stretches I can occasionally feel it start to tug at me, but I've gotten better at shoving those thoughts down under positive (or at least more sensible) ones. Still, all it takes is a particularly rough couple of days, a big disappointment, or as in this case, a disruption of my usual routines and suddenly my mind starts going into pessimism overdrive.

I stopped therapy last fall after my counselor said he didn't think I needed to be going any more, and that seems to have been mostly correct. But for those times where my mood nosedives, I don't have anyone physically here to talk with, so this is where the previously mentioned friend comes in: we've been each other's rock for more than two years now, talking online nearly every night, and have helped each other through some really difficult stuff. It's an interesting symbiosis we've got; there's never been a time when we're both depressed, so he's always been ready to help when I need it most, and vice versa.

This most recent patch of depression is blowing over already, thankfully. It's likely to return again towards the fall when there's some more big changes in my future, but I'll deal with that as it comes.
 
Ready to fucking cash it in, but fully aware that I can't, lest I fuck up everyone else's lives for a time. I can't fathom how people can care that much about someone I find so loathesome, but I'm dealing with it. To a point. I see my psychiatrist tomorrow again and I'm going to write everything out beforehand in hopes that it will better express my desperation when my facade is composed because I can't fall about and put myself back together in a 15 minute appointment.
 
Interesting seeing my posts from 2 years ago on the first page when I thought I could handle it. I've been dealing with this for 10 years and no medication, but it's time to get help. I'm at about an 8 on my own personal 10 point imminent death scale (there is no 10) which has never happened, and I'm getting scared.

My insurance company referred me to a psychiatric medical group here in town so I gave them a call. I got an answering service and they took my number and said they'd call back, and then never called back. What the fuck kind of monsters would do that? Easily the most difficult phone call I've ever had to make in my life, I'm at my most vulnerable, I've admitted to myself that I'm weak and pathetic and I need help, it's taken all my courage, and.... yeah we'll get back to you. Fuck off.

So anyway I found someone else in the next town over, appointment tomorrow. Medication worked wonders last time, I have hope that it'll do that trick again. Just need to knock the chemicals straight for a little while I think. Hoping they've made some advancements in side effect reduction, last time I got fat and my dick stopped working.
 
Borgnine said:
Interesting seeing my posts from 2 years ago on the first page when I thought I could handle it. I've been dealing with this for 10 years and no medication, but it's time to get help. I'm at about an 8 on my own personal 10 point imminent death scale (there is no 10) which has never happened, and I'm getting scared.

My insurance company referred me to a psychiatric medical group here in town so I gave them a call. I got an answering service and they took my number and said they'd call back, and then never called back. What the fuck kind of monsters would do that? Easily the most difficult phone call I've ever had to make in my life, I'm at my most vulnerable, I've admitted to myself that I'm weak and pathetic and I need help, it's taken all my courage, and.... yeah we'll get back to you. Fuck off.

So anyway I found someone else in the next town over, appointment tomorrow. Medication worked wonders last time, I have hope that it'll do that trick again. Just need to knock the chemicals straight for a little while I think. Hoping they've made some advancements in side effect reduction, last time I got fat and my dick stopped working.
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Not sure what you were on but the stuff I'm on gave me dry mouth and nausea for the first 2 weeks or so, and then after that I was mostly okay. Although I do have the sexual side effects as well but they seem to come and go (har har). Erections aren't a problem, its the next step after but I had issues in that department before the medication, so eh.
 
Valhalla said:
I have a problem with depression i suppose. Generally im happy, but the more i think, the less i care.

ive come to the realization that nothing matters, right? Like in the grand scheme of things, i dont matter. Not only do i not matter, but humans dont matter, our planet doesnt matter, tomorrow the world could be wiped out, and would it matter? A massive loss of life, it would be terrible, but would it matter? I mean.. nothing matters really. Over the course of human civilization, weve developed some pretty cool shit, but its all so fickle..And weve never learned anything more about our existence.. In the universal scale i mean..we know nothing..Which is kinda cool if you think about it.. but i dont feel like were ever going to learn anything either, not at this rate...at this rate i think its highly more likely well be wiped out before we are discovering the universe.

I also dont give a fuck about buying shit. Ive come to the realization that very rarely does something i buy give me true joy and happiness for very long. And most expensive things, things you need a college degree to buy are just bullshit to make yourself feel superior..

So i dont give a fuck about money besides basic living, so that destroys any motivation i can have to trying to get a better job...because i dont give a fuck about the money.. Which sucks because if youre not a rich asshole, youre a poor pathetic person in this country.

EEEEH i could go on..for a while... but im feeling bad because i dont want to depress already depressed people.. But it does help to get some out of it out. I think.
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A big dito from me. :( I think I´ve been experience a depression for a long time now, but I don´t see how I can talk to anyone about it. I usually hear people say that "if you think you have a depression, you actually don´t have one". So that´s that. Meh.

But, yeah, I´m also such an idiot that is looking for a deeper meaning, searching for a meaningful life. But whatever kind of education or job I think of, I imagine how doing that job would matter in the greater picture and come to the conclusion that it doesn´t. It´s all about making money for buying stuff you don´t need. Sigh.
 
I have been depressed for quite some time, and as of today it has just gotten worse.

A little back story: two years ago I move back to NYC after living conditions between me, my mother and her husband worsen. I also had two full time jobs and school which killed me, so I was not in the correct environment for any type of success.

Forward to today and I am back in NJ only because I got a great career opportunity with a bank and school to be paid for by them, but my mother (whom I should also describe as a sociopath and bipolar) won't allow me to live with her because according to her, I am a "fuck up, irresponsible person who will never graduate college," despite my many efforts to try and get to school for little to no cost, and my greater attempts at solidifying a solid career position (all of which have worked out so far, but she says I'm a fuck up).

So after coming back to NJ a month ago, my mother has kicked me out for no apparent reason other than talking with my friend at 11:00pm on a Saturday as he slept over my place, and after living for a month with my gf, she has also managed to take away the car from me (one which I pay for but have fallen behind a payment due to the circumstances), while also saying I am irresponsible, don't care about work, school, or life, but just took the last thing I needed to either even go to work or school.

So now I have an issue: do I move back to Manhattan with my father, or do I find a place to live in the next month? My gf is moving to Florida in two months, an I only just started the job at Bank of America over a month ago, so I don't know if I can get a transfer. I am so pressed for time and depressed with this emote situation, I don't know what to do.

If I stay, I have to worry about finding a car and place to live in the next month and a half, but if I leave for NYC, I have to worry about getting a transfer to a Manhattan branch a month and a half after starting.

I hate my damn life. If anyone also knows anything about Bank of America or banks, may I please be informed as to how long how I would need for a transfer? And if not under typical circumstances, under such a circumstance as mine?
 
I guess it has come down to non-medication options. I'm getting an evaluation with an ECT specialized psychiatrist and trying to get my insurance to help cover TMS instead because it has basically the same effects but without the cognitive side effects. I'm glad this might actually work, but it's fucking terrifying, nonetheless.
 
I´m pretty much near-suicidal now. Had my second appointment with a doctor (expert in his field) and the result is almost clear that I cannot be operated on as I thought. It´s nothing that would physically kill me, no, but I guess that now I´ll remain a bitter, lonely person for the rest of my life that people will always point at and whisper "lol, look at this guy´s funny legs". I went to the doctor from my own will, finally tackling this base problem of mine, fully willing to undertake any kind of difficult operation. And then the result is, that my problem area is not in the usual bone area (around the knee), but rather higher up near the pelvis. Oh great. Fucking A great. I should be used by now to my typical bad luck, but somehow I thought that willingly accepting a difficult operation would get me luck for one. Guess not.
 
I'll definitely keep you in my thoughts fragilebroken and hope it works out for you either way.

Sennorin, sorry to hear that, but not everyone is gonna point and whisper at you for that. There's a guy who works the night shift at a local Wal-Mart here that has some problem with his legs and kinda hobbles, but I think he's cute and he's always nice. Never thought much about it. You won't always be lonely, and hopefully not bitter. If you feel really suicidal I hope you get some kind of help for that. Best of luck to you.

I'm feeling a lot better. Still doing my IOP every week day and my mood has stabilized greatly. No more real bad days so far since the bipolar diagnosis and the new meds. Also since they lowered my Seroquel my appetite hasn't been so voracious and I'm hovering at only 5 lbs or so above my normal weight.
 
My pdoc thinks I would benefit more from ECT than TMS. I just realized it's late enough in the day that I could/should call to make my ECT evaluation appointment with the recommended psychiatrist. A) I hate the phone. B) I hate making appointments/cold-calling. C) I'm flat-out scared of being electrocuted, regardless of ultimate benefit and proper current methods.
 
fragilebroken said:
My pdoc thinks I would benefit more from ECT than TMS. I just realized it's late enough in the day that I could/should call to make my ECT evaluation appointment with the recommended psychiatrist. A) I hate the phone. B) I hate making appointments/cold-calling. C) I'm flat-out scared of being electrocuted, regardless of ultimate benefit and proper current methods.
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You sound like me, I hate the phone too. I hope everything goes well for you.

I am also bipolar and after being on abilify for about 3 years I have decided I don't want to be anymore. I went and talked to my psychiatrist on Monday and he didn't object but he told me he wasn't sure how I would be because I've been on it for so long which makes me a little nervous.

I don't want to be on any antipsychotic again if I don't have to be. I feel like my IQ has dropped since going on all these medications 4 years ago when I had my manic episode. I have to read over everything I write or type because I will think I'm writing one word but write a completely different one. Not to mention I've started to shake a little.

So I've been taking half of my dose since monday and I'm feeling fine so far. I just hope it stays that way.
 
I guess I'll share my story, I'm sure I'm not alone. I have a lovely mix of severe depression, specifically body dysmorphic disorder, and social anxiety. For those of you who don't know what BDD is:

I hate how I look. Every part of me disgusts me. I'm 175 and fairly muscular, but every slight imperfection consumes my thoughts. I'm genetically predisposed to not have a six pack, just a flat stomach, and that freaks me the fuck out. I worry about eating too much and gaining weight, because I used to be 130 and a fucking skeleton, so my diet for weeks will be just a protein shake a day. Then, I freak out because I'm not eating enough, because I don't want to look like a fucking skeleton, so I'll gorge on food.

I worry about how I look so much that anytime I get around a mirror I freak and have to make sure nothing is wrong. I think about suicide almost daily and have since I was 16. Plus, my social anxiety is so bad that speaking up during office meetings makes me go into slight fits where I can't eat and feel tense for hours. The only way I function in most places with strangers is through alcohol. I even get tense when going to the gym, so I have to go at 1am to avoid as many people as possible. Fuckin sucks.

Luckily I have a supportive girlfriend, but it's still fucking difficult. I've trained myself over years to keep this shit inside and not let it show, because I'd probably scare people. I force myself to do anything, becuase staying alone at home with liquor isn't exactly a smart thing for anybody to do. The worst part is my job, supervising in a call center, means I interact with tons of employees every day and have to keep my cool about every little thing. Gooooood timeees.
 
My regular doctor (Normal doc, one you see for average sickness and stuff) recommended I go see a specialist friend of his. This was about a week ago. I still have yet to make the call because Im stupid nervous about it for some reason.

Also ran out of my anti-depressant, haven't taken it in a few days so my head feels a little weird at times. Other than that part though I feel alright though. (Doc said I'd be fine if I go see the specialist soon... it's just a matter of actually going and doing that).

Feels kind of good to be able to talk about it on here. I love my friends don't get me wrong, but I don't like talking to them about my depression in the first place because I always feel like I'm just complaining, and I don't think they're really sure how to react to it either.

Plywood said:
Being unmotivated atm is very soul crushing and depressing.

Fuck.
Click to expand...

I know exactly how you feel.
 
I am equal parts pining and terrified to be unmedicated, and over the past few months we've been messing with meds due to approaching instability. I know there's a bounce-back effect when you come off psych meds, but the last couple months I've been less medicated than I can remember recently and I've felt horrid in every possible way. That's pretty much purged me of the med-free notion for now.

I don't blame you for trying to abandon Abilify; it's the only one I could tolerate for an extended period (almost 6 years) and when I came off it I realized the main side effect was decreased libido. I agree that meds can mess with thought-processes; Lamictal robbed me of a large portion of my random access vocabulary that I still have not entirely recovered. I've just learned to talk around the word I want and hope someone fills in the blank. This is a long-winded response to say Good Luck, basically. I wouldn't wish my life upon anyone.

It's a bitter-sweet comfort to know there are people who can relate; it sucks that other people feel similarly horrid, but it helps to know you're not alone. I have body issues I've more-or-less given up on and just try to ignore how atrocious I feel I look when I'm around anyone else. I'm stuck in "why bother trying, I'm hideous no matter what?!" land.
 
Going to a psychologist tomorrow, who will almost certainly change my meds. Currently on a little Lexapro to smooth out some of the anxiety and depression, but it's not really doing the trick. I'm going through a divorce and having a difficult time staying away from suicidal ideation. Last time I did anything stronger than Lexapro I wound up feeling dazed and confused, and it derailed my ability to manage my depression and anxiety via CBT.

So, yeah.
 
Here's a quote from a different part of the same site that was just posted:

To those of you who have read Revelations well enough to know the prediction of some pretty weird monsters, this technology will probably be what does it.
Click to expand...

That same also links to infowars. There's also an article written on this site about how the H1N1 vaccine was a bad thing.

The H1N1 vaccination program, when put into the same frame as the engineered virus to go with it, appears to be a clear effort to divide humanity into two groups; those who have lost their intellect, health and sexuality via a tainted vaccination, and those who have not and are therefore superior.
Click to expand...

So, not exactly sure how trustworthy anything from that page is regarding medicine.

EDIT: Here's another nice little bit.

It can now be reasoned that it is no longer safe to take ANY vaccination for any reason; please, do not let them get your children.
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I have this thread bookmarked since it has a lot of good advices...

Still, I am feeling quite depressed today. I really like someone but its not reciprocate... not in the slightest.
Usually I don't give a shit, but this time I am feeling soo bad :(
 
Gaylord Sweetwood said:
My only advice aside from talking to someone is to stay AWAY from medications, especially Paxil. That stuff will screw you up in the long term.

An overview with a follow-up coming later this month: http://www.jimstonefreelance.com/antidepressants.html
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Take that shit to the conspiracy thread. You just seriously posted an article by a guy who is a "freelance journalist" who investigates HAARP, thinks the electrical grid is being dismantled as an act of oppression, claims the Fukushima reactor was sabotaged, and believes vaccines are mutating children. Seriously, get the fuck out of here.
 
besada said:
Take that shit to the conspiracy thread. You just seriously posted an article by a guy who is a "freelance journalist" who investigates HAARP, thinks the electrical grid is being dismantled as an act of oppression, claims the Fukushima reactor was sabotaged, and believes vaccines are mutating children. Seriously, get the fuck out of here.
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Yeah, the whole "anti-depressants are bad for you" bullshit needs to stop.

It ignores the millions of people, like my mom, aunt, one of my exes, and grandfather, who have been on medication, got off it, and are better for taking the pills.
 
Has anyone ever been on Neurontin (Gabapentin) or Buspirone before? Recently started taking both of these. Doctor thinks they might help me feel more stable and upright more than the traditional anti-depressants I've been taking for the past decade. Same as everyone else, have trouble enjoying things and especially having motivation to keep up with my daily commitments (I miss my classes all the time for no reason).

Buspirone has definitely wiped out a lot of my anxiety but I'm not noticing much of a difference from the Gabapentin so far. I feel a bit more dissociated from my day to day life but I think that might be just because I'm taking 3 different psychoactive medications right now. Hopefully removing the Cymbalta next week will finally give me the effect I'm looking for (good riddance, fuck SSRIs)...

Does anyone have any experience to lend?

I'm glad there's a depressed community here on GAF. I'm going to scan this thread when I have time to see whether I can lend a hand to anyone.
 
Baiano19 said:
I have this thread bookmarked since it has a lot of good advices...

Still, I am feeling quite depressed today. I really like someone but its not reciprocate... not in the slightest.
Usually I don't give a shit, but this time I am feeling soo bad :(
Click to expand...
That's a hard place to be. But you have to realize that someone not being romantically interested is not a reflection upon your quality as a person - love and attraction simply don't work that logically.
 
Baiano19 said:
I have this thread bookmarked since it has a lot of good advices...

Still, I am feeling quite depressed today. I really like someone but its not reciprocate... not in the slightest.
Usually I don't give a shit, but this time I am feeling soo bad :(
Click to expand...

How old are you?

Honestly this is one of those things that you'll get better at handling with more experience. I remember it bugging me a lot as a teenager etc but after I got to college and actually went through a relationship it became easier to deal with. Knowing that someone else has been into me as much as I was into them and I didn't have to be anyone but myself to get them interested makes dealing with this kind of rejection easier. I know at some point I'll find someone else who is interested in me, for me.

The best advice I can give is just find other things to occupy your time. One of the first books I read that really helped me with depression talked a lot about stopping self critical thoughts, and a good way to do this is to just be active and do stuff that reinforces your sense of self positively.
 
My experience with Buspar (which I think is the brand name for one med you mentioned) is limited to an ex taking it while I was with him. It helped his anxiety, but he wasn't ready to trade that for a complete lack of sex due to ED. It's definitely a good preventative anxiolytic if you don't have horrid side effects and SSRIs aren't doing enough. Sorry I don't have info on the other.

The thing you have to keep in mind with head meds is that they effect everyone a little bit differently and what works for some will give others hell, so always give it a chance.
 
Thanks for the insight. Interestingly, Buspar hasn't given me any sexual side effects while SSRIs at higher doses absolutely destroyed my ability to even hold an erection.

I'm just looking for insight because I'm nervous about my treatment right now...I go back to school in 6 weeks and am not feeling much happier than I began the summer as of yet (though I'm much less anxious...).
 
My pdoc thinks I'm bi-polar and that the Lexapro, while helping with some of the anxiety symptoms has also been making everything else worse. So I'm going on Trileptal. Anyone here take it?
 
besada said:
My pdoc thinks I'm bi-polar and that the Lexapro, while helping with some of the anxiety symptoms has also been making everything else worse. So I'm going on Trileptal. Anyone here take it?
Click to expand...

I take it.

But oddly enough, not for my bipolar.

I take it because I suffer from Trigeminal Neuralgia and it's probably my favorite drug in the world because it made the pain I get go from like the worst thing I've ever felt in my life to a headache. It saved my life, I was in so much pain that being dead seemed like a much better option.

I can't really tell you how it works for my bipolar because I'm also on lithium and I believe they both work as mood stabilizers.

One thing I can say though is it will probably make you tired but with me, it's pretty much gone away since I started it and I think I'm on the maximum you can take.

That's the only side effect I've gotten that I know of.
 
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