Depression
- Thread starter Jea Song
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how long have you tried rogaine? any real hair loss treatment can take months before you see results.I NEED SCISSORS said:
And I totally know where you're coming from as far as feeling like you're missing out on your youth while all your peers are having the time of their lives. Maybe you need to do something drastic to shake things up, I dunno. You have loads of time though. Best advice I can give is if your life is in a rut, don't sit in it for too long hoping things will change for you. Most of the time they don't.
I NEED SCISSORS
Banned
demon said:
I've been on/off for a few years now. My first shot was at 17: I tried it for a few months but saw no results except for a few small hairs, so I stopped (what I would kill to go back in time and keep using it). I restarted again 3 months ago and am almost through my last bottle of a four pack. I was originally optimistic because I read that your hair will get worse at first, and then after a few months get better, but apart from the return of some very small hairs I am seeing no noticeable/desirable regrowth. I may as well keep using it, but am not hopeful... so it sadly continues to be something that gets me down..
Scarecrow
Member
I feel down all the time. I'm in my mid twenties, no ambition or dreams. Finished college with a worthless degree in history. I barely get to see the few friends I have with my work schedule, which keeps me out late at night. I really have no idea what to do. I feel like I'm just living for the next piece of entertainment that distracts me from my life, which makes me angry because I have nothing to complain about otherwise.
I never knew there was a depression thread on GAF. Here's my confession:
Depression is something I'm pretty familiar with. I've suffered from it since I was 6, so for 15 years of my life. As you may be able to guess, I had a certain traumatic event happen to me, and while I've managed to deal with that event and grow past it, my depression has persisted. I've been in and out of therapy and all that kind of thing, but nothing's ever really helped. I started taking meds for the first time in my life last summer, and they seemed to work at first--for once in my life I didn't suffer from daily thoughts of suicide--but after a while I fell back in to the same pit I've always been in(and I was on 3 different meds) so I decided to cut them cold turkey a few weeks ago.
I've been told by both my doctor and by my psychiatrist that I'm likely to be one of those cases that suffers from depression for the rest of their life, which doesn't make me feel very hopeful, haha.
Depression is something I'm pretty familiar with. I've suffered from it since I was 6, so for 15 years of my life. As you may be able to guess, I had a certain traumatic event happen to me, and while I've managed to deal with that event and grow past it, my depression has persisted. I've been in and out of therapy and all that kind of thing, but nothing's ever really helped. I started taking meds for the first time in my life last summer, and they seemed to work at first--for once in my life I didn't suffer from daily thoughts of suicide--but after a while I fell back in to the same pit I've always been in(and I was on 3 different meds) so I decided to cut them cold turkey a few weeks ago.
I've been told by both my doctor and by my psychiatrist that I'm likely to be one of those cases that suffers from depression for the rest of their life, which doesn't make me feel very hopeful, haha.
Hey guys.
I urge anyone who feels like they are depressed to see someone or talk to a close family relative or friend. A family friend killed himself recently due to depression. My uncle suffers from depression, he is being treated, and urged this family friend to seek assistance or treatment.
Even if you are not sure, please go speak to someone. There is always help.
I urge anyone who feels like they are depressed to see someone or talk to a close family relative or friend. A family friend killed himself recently due to depression. My uncle suffers from depression, he is being treated, and urged this family friend to seek assistance or treatment.
Even if you are not sure, please go speak to someone. There is always help.
I don't fell comfortable talking about any of this with people I know because 1) I feel like an absolute dick for feeling this way, and 2) it's hard to articulate. So bare with me here.
Basically, I've been struggling with depression my whole life. Since I can remember, I've been dealing with feeling completely miserable and hating myself to the point where I have to actively try to be happy at times. I have talked to my parents, doctors, therapists, ministers, friends, and just about anyone who would listen. I've read books, and advice columns. I've seriously considered suicide since I was 14. Eventually, I finally decided I wanted to live and gave up the idea of killing myself. I also gave up being sad.
Though now, I'm just angry all the time. I feel like I hate myself and everyone around me. I don't trust people. I just can't let go of the past. Everyday I went to school and got picked on, everyday afternoon I got beaten up, every time my family ignored my need for affection or otherwise hurt me. It's all that sticks with me. I can't remember the fun, happy times of my youth. All I remember is the hurt. It's left me absolutely terrified of people. Everyday I struggle just to make it through basic person-on-person interaction. I put up a front and try to pretend that I see myself as someone worthwhile or important but it's all a facade. Really, I spend everyday just sort of beating myself up over every "failure" or anything I view as a misstep. I do things like pretend I'm broken up about petty things like not having a girlfriend, when the truth is I couldn't give a shit either way. What I really want is someone I feel completely comfortable with. That I don't have to keep up the facade or hide parts of myself from. Though given my social anxiety and general mistrust of others, I fear I'll never find someone like that.
I try to talk to people about this nowadays, and it just serves to make me angrier and more frustrated. Everyone either tells me to "be confident" and "stop complaining and try to change", and I'm just like "well what the fuck do you think I'm trying to do jackass? What do you think I've been trying to do for the last 14 or so years?" Believe me, if there were some confidence button in my head I could turn on and be good, I'd, well, be good. It's just...It feels like I'm incapable of self confidence. My whole life I've conditioned myself to see myself through the eyes of others, and often times, people never let me see the very best of myself. Even the things I try to have pride in and people tell me are good are issues (oh that Reigun is a nice guy, but he's just way too nice). I don't understand what it means to have inner strength or an identity outside of what others tell you you are. I just go along with what other people want from me and hope that they'll keep me around as long as I remain convenient.
I have almost no motivation to succeed. I just do enough that I can get by and make others happy. The downside is that I'm usually left alone because people find me uninteresting. Then I look at my friends who have a much easier time dealing with people and being noticed and relating to each other, and it hurts. I feel like I'm on the outskirts, almost like I'm watching a really great play at times when I'm with them. I see them have their ups and downs and go through trials and tribulations and I try my best to relate, but I just can't. I feel like I'm a little kid around them. I don't know if that's because of how they treat me or just how my personal insecurities, but I never feel like I'm their equal. And it enrages me to the point that I just want to say "fuck it" and not bother trying to have friends.
I'm terrified of being alone, but I can't reach out to others in any meaningful way. People like to talk to interesting people, and I'm neither talkative (as everyone tells me aloud) nor interesting (as everyone tells me through actions).
And the part that makes me angriest is that all of this is so fucking stupid. I shouldn't feel this way. I have friends, a job, I'm in college. I have things going for me. But, for some reason, I just can't escape this sadness. This emptiness. This loneliness. This anger and hatred. And it's just so stupid. Sometimes, I wonder if there is something inside of me that's broken and making it so I'm incapable of feeling anything positive about myself or my little corner of the world. I know this probably isn't true, and I'm just being dumb, but still. And like I said, I don't want to talk to anyone, so I just bury everything inside. I figure "It's my fight. I should be the one to handle it. No point in dragging others into my shit." I'm good about faking it, but some days, it comes out and I basically shut down and walk around with a permanent scowl. This has resulted in me gaining a reputation for being "standoffish", which is yet another thing that makes people want nothing to do with me. It's all so frustrating. I'm not going to kill myself because I want to live. The problem is...living scares the shit out of me.
Anyway, if you read this far, thanks for reading. I'm not looking for anything in particular here. Just needed to get this off my chest and vent a little.
Basically, I've been struggling with depression my whole life. Since I can remember, I've been dealing with feeling completely miserable and hating myself to the point where I have to actively try to be happy at times. I have talked to my parents, doctors, therapists, ministers, friends, and just about anyone who would listen. I've read books, and advice columns. I've seriously considered suicide since I was 14. Eventually, I finally decided I wanted to live and gave up the idea of killing myself. I also gave up being sad.
Though now, I'm just angry all the time. I feel like I hate myself and everyone around me. I don't trust people. I just can't let go of the past. Everyday I went to school and got picked on, everyday afternoon I got beaten up, every time my family ignored my need for affection or otherwise hurt me. It's all that sticks with me. I can't remember the fun, happy times of my youth. All I remember is the hurt. It's left me absolutely terrified of people. Everyday I struggle just to make it through basic person-on-person interaction. I put up a front and try to pretend that I see myself as someone worthwhile or important but it's all a facade. Really, I spend everyday just sort of beating myself up over every "failure" or anything I view as a misstep. I do things like pretend I'm broken up about petty things like not having a girlfriend, when the truth is I couldn't give a shit either way. What I really want is someone I feel completely comfortable with. That I don't have to keep up the facade or hide parts of myself from. Though given my social anxiety and general mistrust of others, I fear I'll never find someone like that.
I try to talk to people about this nowadays, and it just serves to make me angrier and more frustrated. Everyone either tells me to "be confident" and "stop complaining and try to change", and I'm just like "well what the fuck do you think I'm trying to do jackass? What do you think I've been trying to do for the last 14 or so years?" Believe me, if there were some confidence button in my head I could turn on and be good, I'd, well, be good. It's just...It feels like I'm incapable of self confidence. My whole life I've conditioned myself to see myself through the eyes of others, and often times, people never let me see the very best of myself. Even the things I try to have pride in and people tell me are good are issues (oh that Reigun is a nice guy, but he's just way too nice). I don't understand what it means to have inner strength or an identity outside of what others tell you you are. I just go along with what other people want from me and hope that they'll keep me around as long as I remain convenient.
I have almost no motivation to succeed. I just do enough that I can get by and make others happy. The downside is that I'm usually left alone because people find me uninteresting. Then I look at my friends who have a much easier time dealing with people and being noticed and relating to each other, and it hurts. I feel like I'm on the outskirts, almost like I'm watching a really great play at times when I'm with them. I see them have their ups and downs and go through trials and tribulations and I try my best to relate, but I just can't. I feel like I'm a little kid around them. I don't know if that's because of how they treat me or just how my personal insecurities, but I never feel like I'm their equal. And it enrages me to the point that I just want to say "fuck it" and not bother trying to have friends.
I'm terrified of being alone, but I can't reach out to others in any meaningful way. People like to talk to interesting people, and I'm neither talkative (as everyone tells me aloud) nor interesting (as everyone tells me through actions).
And the part that makes me angriest is that all of this is so fucking stupid. I shouldn't feel this way. I have friends, a job, I'm in college. I have things going for me. But, for some reason, I just can't escape this sadness. This emptiness. This loneliness. This anger and hatred. And it's just so stupid. Sometimes, I wonder if there is something inside of me that's broken and making it so I'm incapable of feeling anything positive about myself or my little corner of the world. I know this probably isn't true, and I'm just being dumb, but still. And like I said, I don't want to talk to anyone, so I just bury everything inside. I figure "It's my fight. I should be the one to handle it. No point in dragging others into my shit." I'm good about faking it, but some days, it comes out and I basically shut down and walk around with a permanent scowl. This has resulted in me gaining a reputation for being "standoffish", which is yet another thing that makes people want nothing to do with me. It's all so frustrating. I'm not going to kill myself because I want to live. The problem is...living scares the shit out of me.
Anyway, if you read this far, thanks for reading. I'm not looking for anything in particular here. Just needed to get this off my chest and vent a little.
ClassyPenguin
Banned
"What's wrong?"
"How are you feeling today?"
I can't ever answer those questions truthfully to anyone other than my therapist. And that's some sad shit.
"How are you feeling today?"
I can't ever answer those questions truthfully to anyone other than my therapist. And that's some sad shit.
It's the same with me. How can I carry on normal conversation and interactions when you feel like this? But then, you can't really be honest for the social stigma, or even not being taken seriously.ReiGun said:
doitlive said:
Same here. Even when a friend asks you that knowing how you're feeling, it's usually just to look caring, because really, they don't want to hear it. It's so much easier to put on the facade of being okay than having to deal with the frustrations of trying to talk to some one really doesn't understand. Even if there intentions are completely pure.
ReiGun said:
I think your post just proved you wrong. You're obviously intelligent. You obviously have a lot on your mind. Seems like it's just stuff you feel no one wants to hear or will listen to, and letting it out'll make it apparent that you're inferior. It's a shame you don't have anyone you can be yourself around. I'm glad you want to live though.
Something about me: Until I was almost 20 I had no self-confidence whatsoever. I was so beaten down by everyone including my own parents that a lot of your post resonated with me. I felt a lot of anger and resentment, had trust issues and came across as standoffish. Eventually I met a certain person, who told me certain things quite often and for the first hundred times I couldn't even feign confidence or belief. Eventually I'd smirk when they'd say it, and later it felt good inside and maybe I actually believed it. They were the first person I felt I could
That person eventually hurt me badly as well, but they imparted a lot that made it worthwhile. I'm not sure I believe that you have to like yourself first; in my case I had to truly feel someone else did to get things rolling. I still have a fear of driving, anxiety disorder and can't do a lot of everyday things. In spite of that I'm not that insecure. I don't really know what my point is besides that, just felt like responding cuz your post was interesting.
Necromanti
Member
Ah, depression. I wouldn't really have any advice on that topic (especially after mine seems to have "magically" disappeared). Once you move trudge through that dark haze, though, it almost seems surreal that you could feel such things so strongly. Despite that hopelessness and feeling that it cannot possible get any better, it can. And it does.
Is procrastination a big problem for most of you who had struggled/are struggling with depression? It usually is, though, isn't it? Even now, I seem to procrastinate everything, not matter how large or small. I can procrastinate picking up a piece of paper off the floor for a month. Not sure why.
I think I may have minor OCD tendencies and general anxiety, but nothing super detrimental. I keep meaning to schedule an appointment with my school's counselor, but hey, I keep procrastinating that too! ;p
Is procrastination a big problem for most of you who had struggled/are struggling with depression? It usually is, though, isn't it? Even now, I seem to procrastinate everything, not matter how large or small. I can procrastinate picking up a piece of paper off the floor for a month. Not sure why.
I think I may have minor OCD tendencies and general anxiety, but nothing super detrimental. I keep meaning to schedule an appointment with my school's counselor, but hey, I keep procrastinating that too! ;p
Thanks, and you're right. I do think I avoid telling people my problems because I don't want to confirm for them or myself how weak I really am/feel. When people ask, I tell them but only out of fear of burning bridges. When I tell my friends things like I feel empty inside or I worry if I can love anyone or how I have trouble remembering the happy moments of my life, they just kinda shrug and say "we all feel like that sometimes." It sucks cause I wish I had that sort of strength, or even just the ability to shrug it off. So I try to fake it.xelios said:
And your earlier post about how you feel something was taken from you struck me. I really believe that's what it is. There is some part of me I gave to the world, and now I have no idea how to get it back.
ReiGun said:
I feel this way too. Sometimes I wonder if maybe one day it'll magically come back, and I'll feel fantastic. I doubt that'd be the case though. Finding whatever we lost I think could potentially be the toughest battle of our lives, and we'll have to work our asses off to find it.
I just watched a House episode and something very small had a big impact on me:
"Unhappy people do reckless things"
I'm doing a lot of stupid shit in my life right now. Shit thats gonna possibly ruin a lot of opportunities in my life. But I dont care. I'm just desperately trying to do whatever it takes to keep myself semi-happy throughout this. Its bad in the long-term, but the repurcussions of trying to do the 'right thing' in the short-term could really be worse.
Life really sucks sometimes. People have it worse than me, but it doesn't change the way I feel. Its funny, cuz I can go on fits of exercise and dieting and feel great, but the second life dumps a bomb on me(which happens a lot), I revert back to my 'not caring' state.
Fuck. Like really, FUCK. I'm incredibly unhappy.
"Unhappy people do reckless things"
I'm doing a lot of stupid shit in my life right now. Shit thats gonna possibly ruin a lot of opportunities in my life. But I dont care. I'm just desperately trying to do whatever it takes to keep myself semi-happy throughout this. Its bad in the long-term, but the repurcussions of trying to do the 'right thing' in the short-term could really be worse.
Life really sucks sometimes. People have it worse than me, but it doesn't change the way I feel. Its funny, cuz I can go on fits of exercise and dieting and feel great, but the second life dumps a bomb on me(which happens a lot), I revert back to my 'not caring' state.
Fuck. Like really, FUCK. I'm incredibly unhappy.
scar tissue
Banned
sums up my feelings perfectlyZekes! said:
it's such a drag constantly maintaining the facade that everything is great and all
scar tissue
Banned
As someone who is suffering from social anxiety and depression, and has basically been alone for all his life, i can tell you that you don't even know how lucky you are to be in a relationship of 9 yearsxelios said:
Don't do anything short-sighted because of a day or two of depression
I know how this shit feels, you just have to sit through it and have faith that everything will be better in a few days
I was like most of you until I just got fed up with the feeling, and decided to just say "Fuck it" and did whatever I wanted.
For some reason, even though carelessness scares the daylights out of me, it cheered me up in the end.
I used to have extreme depression about my future, and hell I still do everytime I think about the amount of money i'm going to owe in loans once I finish getting my Masters degree. It's so bad sometimes, and occasionally i'll suffer anxiety attacks just thinking about the money.
I tell myself that others are going through it, and a lot more people have it worse off than I do. I have an assistantship, and I should be happy to even be getting that.
For some reason, even though carelessness scares the daylights out of me, it cheered me up in the end.
I used to have extreme depression about my future, and hell I still do everytime I think about the amount of money i'm going to owe in loans once I finish getting my Masters degree. It's so bad sometimes, and occasionally i'll suffer anxiety attacks just thinking about the money.
I tell myself that others are going through it, and a lot more people have it worse off than I do. I have an assistantship, and I should be happy to even be getting that.
scar tissue
Banned
the 'i don't give a fuck' attitude really helps a lot for uni/work/sports, but it doesn't help at all in the being-forever-alone departmentThoraxes said:
tagquoteKentpaul said:
that really isn't the proper way to do it, get some professional help dude
Mine started about 2 years ago due to post-concussive syndrome and PTSD stemming from a severe car wreck. I got on and then off medication but I've had about two or three day-long episodes this year...
I have a good life and a good support sytem along with a job that's pushing towards what I want to do in life. Regardless, I spent Thursday indulging in related health problems and feeling down. The imbalance was vivid to a point at which I saw such hopelessness in a way I hadn't before. There was no reason for these feelings, it just hit me really, really hard.
I have a good life and a good support sytem along with a job that's pushing towards what I want to do in life. Regardless, I spent Thursday indulging in related health problems and feeling down. The imbalance was vivid to a point at which I saw such hopelessness in a way I hadn't before. There was no reason for these feelings, it just hit me really, really hard.
What is strange in my case is that I go in and out. Almost on a weekly basis. I would not say I am depressed in the general sense, as in an overall feeling. Its almost like I exacerbate negative things that are happening to me and things that I fail to do. My only saving grace is that I have come to realization (just recently) is that I am not always the one who is failing, others are failing me, causing me strife. While I can beat myself up over what I have failed to do, it helps realize that life is a two way street and that you can only do so much to control other peoples actions.
tearsofash
Member
I have depression. Stopped taking medicines in 2005. It was rough at first, but I can usually will myself out of my depression even though I realize I'm chemically at a disadvantage. I know that the way I feel is unnatural so I try my hardest to not let it bother me anymore.
Doesn't always help, but it's a start.
Doesn't always help, but it's a start.
This thread is succeeding in making me more depressed.
There are many things wrong with my life, and I like to think that if these problems were fixed I'd be a happy person for the first time in my life. But here is a whole thread of people who are all in their own unique situation, many having some and some having all of what I think is missing in my life, and you're still depressed!
No such thing as an "easy" fix, huh?
There are many things wrong with my life, and I like to think that if these problems were fixed I'd be a happy person for the first time in my life. But here is a whole thread of people who are all in their own unique situation, many having some and some having all of what I think is missing in my life, and you're still depressed!
No such thing as an "easy" fix, huh?
tearsofash
Member
There is no panacea for this shit dude, you just gotta do your best.
Where's my goat?
Member
Raiden said:
You have to put yourself in the place of the depressed person. Clinical depression is something that I wouldn't wish on anyone, having gone through it and then a milder form of depression to this day. It comes on seemingly without reason and all of a sudden, and very few people have any idea what is happening to them when it first strikes.
The fact is that it's a mental illness, and for the depressed it's not always a matter of sucking up your problems and moving on; in a depressed person's mind, suicide is not merely option, it is a very rational one. As a matter of fact, the last time that I felt fully in control of my life and, funny enough my happiest, was when I decided I would end it. I think this change in mind state allowed me to get slightly better and out of the suicidal range.
I'll give some advice to people that are experiencing depression. It's something that I go back to when things get really bad, though I haven't felt the need for some time now. I'm not claiming it works for everyone, but it did seem to help me the most. It's going to sound foolish, especially for those not religious, but hear me out.
I was about 15-16 when I first experienced clinical depression. Being young and stupid, I had no thought to find help because I honestly didn't know what was happening. I would have intrusive thoughts of hopelessness and sadness the entire day, leaving sleep as the only time I was free.
Now, this went on for awhile before I became truly desperate and fell back onto my fading Catholic religion. It was at the depths of my hopelessness that I began praying the Rosary everyday. It took about a week or two before the intrusive thoughts all but disappeared. This wasn't a panacea, as I still felt down a lot of the time, but it allowed me to get back to functioning as a human being again.
Okay, I want to be clear that I do not believe Jesus saved me, as the experience did not see my return to the Catholic Church. Rather, I think it was the nature of the Rosary, a sort of mantra based meditation, that somehow allowed my brain to reboot itself and put an end to the intrusive thoughts; focusing on something for the half-hour or so required allowed me to block everything else, giving me the first real sense of peace that I hadn't had for a long time.
Again, this worked for me, but I hope that it might help someone. Mindfulness meditation is also apparently very good for some people, having entire therapy regiments built around it in the form of Acceptance and commitment therapy for example. I think this form of meditation might best be used for anxiety, but I have little experience with it.
The sad truth is that there isn't one thing that can save you. Exercise, meditation, and therapy are great and in combinations necessary, but it's my opinion that a person really needs a passion, or a reason for living. This is probably the hardest thing to obtain for most people, depressed or not.
Been depressed for the past ten years. Which lead to social anxiety as well. Hell, I might even have Assburgers. The last five years though is when thoughts of suicide were frequent. A family that doesn't give shit and most of my friends disappeared because I was unpleasant to be around and I just started not wanting to put them through that. I have this shield around me and no one can get close and if they do, I close them off. Stupid game of tug o war where I want close relationships but then shut them down.
I've come to the point and accepted that I will have to live with the rest of my life having to feel like this or be heavily medicated. That I will probably be alone. When I was younger, I would even tell myself you probably won't live to see 35. I don't feel that way anymore because I want to see how this world is when I'm like 90. That and maybe they'll come up with a cure for this shit. I suspect very few know I feel this way though. I do a good job putting on a front and acting like everything is fine. Dunno why I keep doing it.
I've come to the point and accepted that I will have to live with the rest of my life having to feel like this or be heavily medicated. That I will probably be alone. When I was younger, I would even tell myself you probably won't live to see 35. I don't feel that way anymore because I want to see how this world is when I'm like 90. That and maybe they'll come up with a cure for this shit. I suspect very few know I feel this way though. I do a good job putting on a front and acting like everything is fine. Dunno why I keep doing it.
Escape Goat
Member
desa said:
Whoa whoa, don't give up yet!! I know its impossible to see any of it getting better, but it can and it will if you want it to.
Believe me, the person you are now is NOT the person you really are. Before I received treatment I felt very much like you. I surrendered my ambition, my goals in life and I let it keep me down.
But medication is only a tool in correcting whats "broken" in your brain. Medication can be TEMPORARY solution while you engage in CBT (talk therapy) to identify and change the thought processes driving your depression. I'm sad to see you've given up so early without exploring the options.
Having been where you, and a lot of other GAFers, have been hits pretty close to home for me. I hate seeing people give up on their lives because they are afraid of the stigma of being medicated or receiving counseling. Who knows what happens when we die but theres so much to experience on this earth, so many people to know, to love and to be loved by them.
You can change and you can start living life instead of simply existing. It all begins with you making the choice of which you want to do.
Lately I've decided to say screw it to everything, Self-pity, feeling bad about my chances, feeling bad for missing out on all the awesome stuff everyone else was experiencing. I discovered I actually did want those things, and despite the fact that I'm now 30 and have about 15 years of catching up to do in a lot of different ways, I'm going to fucking do it. When I realized how much I wanted those things, I could just feel myself change.
I'm exercising every morning, I've cut my caloric intake by about half, and I'm doing a bunch of other non-fitness related things to improve myself.
My problem has been low self-esteem, but there were real physical reasons for that. I finally decided I'd let it slide for long enough.
I've decided that I will achieve every single one of my dreams and I will work every day for those goals. I will suffer any and all hardship as long as it leads to my destination (I know this now).
I don't care who you are or what your problem is or how many problems you have, hell I wouldn't want to tell NeoGAF half of them. You fucking think about what you want out of life, EVERYTHING you want and you say to yourself you will fucking have all those things no matter what and then you change today and never look back.
Oh, and I'm already feeling empowered and much better about myself, despite the short-term lack of physical metamorphosis. I actually feel like someone else has inherited my body and mind and that person is going to spend every moment getting it all to where he wants it.
I'm exercising every morning, I've cut my caloric intake by about half, and I'm doing a bunch of other non-fitness related things to improve myself.
My problem has been low self-esteem, but there were real physical reasons for that. I finally decided I'd let it slide for long enough.
I've decided that I will achieve every single one of my dreams and I will work every day for those goals. I will suffer any and all hardship as long as it leads to my destination (I know this now).
I don't care who you are or what your problem is or how many problems you have, hell I wouldn't want to tell NeoGAF half of them. You fucking think about what you want out of life, EVERYTHING you want and you say to yourself you will fucking have all those things no matter what and then you change today and never look back.
Oh, and I'm already feeling empowered and much better about myself, despite the short-term lack of physical metamorphosis. I actually feel like someone else has inherited my body and mind and that person is going to spend every moment getting it all to where he wants it.
Escape Goat
Member
Uchip said:
the fact you're posting here shows you don't want to continue like you are. It can be soooo much better if you just take responsibility for your well being.
Escape Goat
Member
Uchip said:
You're trying to mimic healthy behavior without actually treating the cause. The problem is in your brain, most likely chemical. It could be cognitive (thoughts) or a mix. Without proper treatment you're going to be stuck where you are now forever.
revolverjgw
Member
I don't want to self-diagnose myself, but perhaps I am depressed. I'm 28 now. My life isn't bad, at all. I've had all the opportunity and ability in the world to succeed, and despite screwing myself over with poor decisions (going to university for two years for a useless degree stands out), and being screwed over by poor health (a chronic disease that greatly complicates holding a job, in an environment where it's hard to find and hold a good even without my problem), my prospects are by no means hopeless. I know I can pull myself out of it if I make an effort and there are tons of people that are willing to help, but it's like I just don't want to. I can see light at the end of the tunnel and I feel fortunate to be in a position to do so, but it means nothing to me.
I'm not working near as hard at is as I should, but I also haven't just given up. I've tried to find something to give my life meaning and direction. Last year I went back to school for IT, thinking perhaps I'd take a deeper interest in it, and I did very well... and then didn't go back, even though it wouldn't have cost me a cent. It's hard to explain why. The experience felt hollow. I felt no sense of satisfaction or progression in doing well in my studies. I met good people I had things in common with but had no interest in connecting with them and usually tried to make an excuse to avoid having to hang out with them on campus. Social anxiety has long been a problem for me, but I've never really wanted to anything about it... I enjoy being alone so much that even when I do ingratiate myself with someone, it always feels like a burden rather than a pleasure.
I only went back to school to please my family, who helped pay for it. When it came time to make the decision to return, I couldn't do it. I feel guilt about squandering my opportunity so pointlessly, but I just feel so spent and hopeless. The thought of another year working hard yet feeling totally empty was so hard to cope with. I'd look ahead to graduating with all these happy, smiling people, how proud my mom would have been that I was able to drag myself out of my doldrums, but all I can do is imagine how miserable I'd be there and the front I'd have to put on, as hopeless as ever. It's so painful to think of, the moment I'd be working towards, all my hopelessness encapsulated in one "proud" moment I'd have to fake my way through... just high school graduation all over again.
I constantly project ahead and evaluate possible futures, put myself in the shoes of others, do their lives appeal to me... none of them do. I have no ambition, you could guarantee me a degree and a six-figure job and I'd just wonder why I would even want that... having good money to spend, the thought of having a family, trying to think of an occupation or lifestyle that would make my life meaningful... none of these seem to be motivating factors for me. I just feel a crushing blackness when I look ahead. As my unsustainable and meandering existence continues, escalating unhappiness.
I feel guilty because there's nothing stopping me from being "successful", and currently I'm pretty happy on a day-to-day basis. I have a comfortable life... I exercise often, government pays for my ridiculous array of medications that would totally break me if I had to pay for them, I have no vices, and on my own time I never get bored. Now if only I could find a way to parlay my passions into a career that could make me happy. Last year was my big attempt and it stalled, but I know I have to try to find the will to keep trying.
I have no social life, which I know I should do something about... maybe it's the root of all my problems... I feel a need but never feel a desire. Sometimes I really wish I was as unhappy being alone as everybody else around me seems to be. Any time I try to go outside my comfort zone, boredom and annoyance seem to be the dominant feeling, rather than challenge. Companionship, pussy, all I feel is towards that is... whatever. I should try to do something about that, but I'm too anxious and unhappy about too many other things, I can't imagine being a healthy relationship right now even if I wanted one.
I don't know what's wrong with me. Depression, mental illness, just some irrational existential crisis that's dragging on too long, exacerbated by my clumsy and abortive attempts to fight it. I'm considering talking to my doctor to get my head sorted out, I might be willing to try medication if it comes to that. Regardless, I'm just throwing this long-winded post out there to vent. I have no advice for anyone and while I'd appreciate advice, I'm not counting on any. Maybe somebody can identify with some of my feelings, it's usually good to know there's other people out there like you.
I'm not working near as hard at is as I should, but I also haven't just given up. I've tried to find something to give my life meaning and direction. Last year I went back to school for IT, thinking perhaps I'd take a deeper interest in it, and I did very well... and then didn't go back, even though it wouldn't have cost me a cent. It's hard to explain why. The experience felt hollow. I felt no sense of satisfaction or progression in doing well in my studies. I met good people I had things in common with but had no interest in connecting with them and usually tried to make an excuse to avoid having to hang out with them on campus. Social anxiety has long been a problem for me, but I've never really wanted to anything about it... I enjoy being alone so much that even when I do ingratiate myself with someone, it always feels like a burden rather than a pleasure.
I only went back to school to please my family, who helped pay for it. When it came time to make the decision to return, I couldn't do it. I feel guilt about squandering my opportunity so pointlessly, but I just feel so spent and hopeless. The thought of another year working hard yet feeling totally empty was so hard to cope with. I'd look ahead to graduating with all these happy, smiling people, how proud my mom would have been that I was able to drag myself out of my doldrums, but all I can do is imagine how miserable I'd be there and the front I'd have to put on, as hopeless as ever. It's so painful to think of, the moment I'd be working towards, all my hopelessness encapsulated in one "proud" moment I'd have to fake my way through... just high school graduation all over again.
I constantly project ahead and evaluate possible futures, put myself in the shoes of others, do their lives appeal to me... none of them do. I have no ambition, you could guarantee me a degree and a six-figure job and I'd just wonder why I would even want that... having good money to spend, the thought of having a family, trying to think of an occupation or lifestyle that would make my life meaningful... none of these seem to be motivating factors for me. I just feel a crushing blackness when I look ahead. As my unsustainable and meandering existence continues, escalating unhappiness.
I feel guilty because there's nothing stopping me from being "successful", and currently I'm pretty happy on a day-to-day basis. I have a comfortable life... I exercise often, government pays for my ridiculous array of medications that would totally break me if I had to pay for them, I have no vices, and on my own time I never get bored. Now if only I could find a way to parlay my passions into a career that could make me happy. Last year was my big attempt and it stalled, but I know I have to try to find the will to keep trying.
I have no social life, which I know I should do something about... maybe it's the root of all my problems... I feel a need but never feel a desire. Sometimes I really wish I was as unhappy being alone as everybody else around me seems to be. Any time I try to go outside my comfort zone, boredom and annoyance seem to be the dominant feeling, rather than challenge. Companionship, pussy, all I feel is towards that is... whatever. I should try to do something about that, but I'm too anxious and unhappy about too many other things, I can't imagine being a healthy relationship right now even if I wanted one.
I don't know what's wrong with me. Depression, mental illness, just some irrational existential crisis that's dragging on too long, exacerbated by my clumsy and abortive attempts to fight it. I'm considering talking to my doctor to get my head sorted out, I might be willing to try medication if it comes to that. Regardless, I'm just throwing this long-winded post out there to vent. I have no advice for anyone and while I'd appreciate advice, I'm not counting on any. Maybe somebody can identify with some of my feelings, it's usually good to know there's other people out there like you.
I used to be very depressed and anxious...I had a lot of traumatic experiences during my childhood which I can't even write about. Experiences that caused me to believe I was all alone and not loved by anyone. Lots of medication and therapy, but it never really made me feel like anything changed from the inside.
But my depression was pretty much eradicated when I became a Christian and believed I was treasured by a Creator. But I guess that's my story.
But my depression was pretty much eradicated when I became a Christian and believed I was treasured by a Creator. But I guess that's my story.
Fusion Pizza
Member
My father passed away when I was 8 from a massive stroke, the only way I knew how to deal with it at the time was to completley withdraw emotionally, from 8-13 I immersed myself into video games and the internet,(and got REALLY fat) did jack shit at school but I aced every test and often would correct teachers on math errors, scientific method etc.
High school comes around and I had gotten back to being more or less emotionally stable except for the usual teenage hormonal stuff, I went through a massive growth spurt and went from 5'5 to 6'2 in a summer, also grew a full beard, I was naturally drawn to football as my Dad had played in HS as well. Sophmore year I injured my neck weight lifting and I could never play football again, this combined with the fact that I had never properly grieved for my father, just shoved it all down into a deep dark place sent me into a massive depression that took me the better part of a year to get out of, during this year I didn't go to school, I did all my courses at home through this program that my mom found beacuse she worked at a bunch of hospitals in our home town when she was younger, junior year I came back to HS and was pretty much treated like an outcast, none of my friends on the football team would talk to me, as a result of this I fell into a pretty bad crowd, being able to buy alcohol when your in HS doesnt lead to the best of situations. by the time the summer after junior year had come, I ran away from home, partied all summer, crashed at all my friends places, then finnally got homesick and went home,
About a week after being home my mom asked me if wanted to go somewhere to think, having partaken in Lady Mary Jane in copious amounts, I was recpetive to the idea of getting away from everyone to think, lo and behold I was sent to a place called sage walk, sort of like Outward Bound, except they don't have to give you back to your parents at the end if you don't complete the program, 60lb packs, ten mile hikes, cooking your own food, making your own shelters, it was survival theraphy 101, to say the least I initially felt betrayed and cheated, but detoxing out in the Oregon wilderness allowed me to finnaly grieve for my father. I emerged from that program a better person, and I discovered I have some natural leadership abilities. Also doesn't hurt that you can drop me in the woods with a knife and I'll have dinner, a fire and a shelter going by nightfall.
Besides sharing my story, I just want anyone on GAF who is going through depression to know, it gets better, the meds can help, but as others have said before in this thread, they are a tool, not a cure. If you are going to conqueror your depression it must come from within.
High school comes around and I had gotten back to being more or less emotionally stable except for the usual teenage hormonal stuff, I went through a massive growth spurt and went from 5'5 to 6'2 in a summer, also grew a full beard, I was naturally drawn to football as my Dad had played in HS as well. Sophmore year I injured my neck weight lifting and I could never play football again, this combined with the fact that I had never properly grieved for my father, just shoved it all down into a deep dark place sent me into a massive depression that took me the better part of a year to get out of, during this year I didn't go to school, I did all my courses at home through this program that my mom found beacuse she worked at a bunch of hospitals in our home town when she was younger, junior year I came back to HS and was pretty much treated like an outcast, none of my friends on the football team would talk to me, as a result of this I fell into a pretty bad crowd, being able to buy alcohol when your in HS doesnt lead to the best of situations. by the time the summer after junior year had come, I ran away from home, partied all summer, crashed at all my friends places, then finnally got homesick and went home,
About a week after being home my mom asked me if wanted to go somewhere to think, having partaken in Lady Mary Jane in copious amounts, I was recpetive to the idea of getting away from everyone to think, lo and behold I was sent to a place called sage walk, sort of like Outward Bound, except they don't have to give you back to your parents at the end if you don't complete the program, 60lb packs, ten mile hikes, cooking your own food, making your own shelters, it was survival theraphy 101, to say the least I initially felt betrayed and cheated, but detoxing out in the Oregon wilderness allowed me to finnaly grieve for my father. I emerged from that program a better person, and I discovered I have some natural leadership abilities. Also doesn't hurt that you can drop me in the woods with a knife and I'll have dinner, a fire and a shelter going by nightfall.
Besides sharing my story, I just want anyone on GAF who is going through depression to know, it gets better, the meds can help, but as others have said before in this thread, they are a tool, not a cure. If you are going to conqueror your depression it must come from within.
Misery loves company, I feel I should share my story since so many of you have been brave enough to do so.
Lots of things wrong with me. First off when I was in high school I had terrible acne, I tried everything and nothing worked it only made things worse, I did accutane and I believe I'm still feeling the side effects today. I am now 30 years old and suffer with acne rosacea, if you think you have low self esteem, try being 30 and waking up with acne on your face. I have good and bad days, some months my face is decent and other times its terrible, mostly my face is red with acne scars. I have also paid a fortune to try to correct this problem but nothing seems to work, my mom even helped pay for laser surgery and that didn't do anything either and I feel like complete shit for wasting her hard earned money.
I also suffer with anxiety and depression. I mostly suffer with obsessive thinking, no matter how hard I try, some thoughts keep coming back especially when my anxiety is at an all time high. What I obsess about is...you guessed it a girl. When I worked at a place I was practically in love with her, of course she did not feel the same way, I did everything, gave her flowers and went out with her but it was very obvious it wasn't working out, my anxiety had something to do with it. I was so afraid to talk to her about our problems at the time because of my anxiety that I ended up obsessing over what I would have said to her over and over again even to this day. Things got so bad we ignored each other at work which made me feel like shit, but I was so angry and bitter and stubborn and felt so betrayed that I did nothing about it. I just found out last week she got engaged which made my anxiety sky rocket and my depression hit me.
The incident at that job took such a huge toll on me that I was eager to get out, I graduated unviversity with no direction in life which further fueled my depression and anxiety coupled with the problems with the girl I was a pretty much a goner. I decided to be become a teacher so I volunteered at schools and got a job as an education assistant at a school. This caused me great anxiety as it was a very stressful job plus I was throwing myself into something totatlly new. I managed to make it through the year making some pretty decent money. I ended up getting in teachers college, one of the hardest colleges in Canada which massively boosted my self esteem.
2 months into the program I was hit with the hardest depression and anxiety I have ever felt in my life, it was like the combination of all the problems in my life just exploded where I could not even get out of bed. I tried to commit suicide a few times. I had to leave the program (obviously) My professor at the time knew something was wrong and contacted the head office and asked me to come in and speak to them at the main university. They allowed me to stay in the program with some extra provisions. I was able to finish the program and get my degree. This was about 3 years ago. The experience still effects me to this day and most likely changed my life forever.
After teachers college I had to find a job which caused me to get massive anxiety. I had a job interview at a place where coincidentally the girl I was obsessing over in the past worked at. The interview went TERRIBLE. I was so nervous and scared that when I went home afterward I began to vomit and dry heave. I felt like shit because I just wasn't smart enough to do it. I got a brief job as a supply education assistant but I hated that as well, they call you at 6:30 in the morning and tell you what school you need to be at. With my anxiety that didn't sit too well with me. Almost everyday was like the first day of your first job, way too much anxiety. I stopped doing it shortly afterward.
I haven't done anything since then and it causes me great anxiety because everybody I know has moved on with their lives in positive directions. I do see a therapist but it doesn't help much, he wants me on meds which I'm against because I've been on them before and they did nothing for me.
I'm thinking of going back to my old retail job at the age of 30 which is fucking embarrassing and I'm so afraid of old co workers finding out that they will just laugh at me for being such a loser.
Thanks for listening.
Lots of things wrong with me. First off when I was in high school I had terrible acne, I tried everything and nothing worked it only made things worse, I did accutane and I believe I'm still feeling the side effects today. I am now 30 years old and suffer with acne rosacea, if you think you have low self esteem, try being 30 and waking up with acne on your face. I have good and bad days, some months my face is decent and other times its terrible, mostly my face is red with acne scars. I have also paid a fortune to try to correct this problem but nothing seems to work, my mom even helped pay for laser surgery and that didn't do anything either and I feel like complete shit for wasting her hard earned money.
I also suffer with anxiety and depression. I mostly suffer with obsessive thinking, no matter how hard I try, some thoughts keep coming back especially when my anxiety is at an all time high. What I obsess about is...you guessed it a girl. When I worked at a place I was practically in love with her, of course she did not feel the same way, I did everything, gave her flowers and went out with her but it was very obvious it wasn't working out, my anxiety had something to do with it. I was so afraid to talk to her about our problems at the time because of my anxiety that I ended up obsessing over what I would have said to her over and over again even to this day. Things got so bad we ignored each other at work which made me feel like shit, but I was so angry and bitter and stubborn and felt so betrayed that I did nothing about it. I just found out last week she got engaged which made my anxiety sky rocket and my depression hit me.
The incident at that job took such a huge toll on me that I was eager to get out, I graduated unviversity with no direction in life which further fueled my depression and anxiety coupled with the problems with the girl I was a pretty much a goner. I decided to be become a teacher so I volunteered at schools and got a job as an education assistant at a school. This caused me great anxiety as it was a very stressful job plus I was throwing myself into something totatlly new. I managed to make it through the year making some pretty decent money. I ended up getting in teachers college, one of the hardest colleges in Canada which massively boosted my self esteem.
2 months into the program I was hit with the hardest depression and anxiety I have ever felt in my life, it was like the combination of all the problems in my life just exploded where I could not even get out of bed. I tried to commit suicide a few times. I had to leave the program (obviously) My professor at the time knew something was wrong and contacted the head office and asked me to come in and speak to them at the main university. They allowed me to stay in the program with some extra provisions. I was able to finish the program and get my degree. This was about 3 years ago. The experience still effects me to this day and most likely changed my life forever.
After teachers college I had to find a job which caused me to get massive anxiety. I had a job interview at a place where coincidentally the girl I was obsessing over in the past worked at. The interview went TERRIBLE. I was so nervous and scared that when I went home afterward I began to vomit and dry heave. I felt like shit because I just wasn't smart enough to do it. I got a brief job as a supply education assistant but I hated that as well, they call you at 6:30 in the morning and tell you what school you need to be at. With my anxiety that didn't sit too well with me. Almost everyday was like the first day of your first job, way too much anxiety. I stopped doing it shortly afterward.
I haven't done anything since then and it causes me great anxiety because everybody I know has moved on with their lives in positive directions. I do see a therapist but it doesn't help much, he wants me on meds which I'm against because I've been on them before and they did nothing for me.
I'm thinking of going back to my old retail job at the age of 30 which is fucking embarrassing and I'm so afraid of old co workers finding out that they will just laugh at me for being such a loser.
Thanks for listening.
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