Depression

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I've been getting more and more depressed lately. I recently hit 30 and I was hoping the feeling of "holy fuck I'm old now" would go away after a few months but it's only gotten worse. Other people my age have families and careers, and I'm making less than 13 bucks an hour answering phonecalls, have never had one real accomplishment that meant anything to me, never been on a date, never had a real social life or a group of friends, never been to a party, .....well the list goes on. I'm constantly obsessing over having missed out on my youth, and I can't move on from it. I feel like I've missed out on the process and experience of becoming an adult, and it's left me with something missing deep at my core. And I feel it missing whenever I'm faced with something I want out of life but can't have- a new job I would have to interview for, being in a group of people in a social setting and wanting to make friends, a girl I want to talk to, whatever. I just don't have the self-esteem, self-confidence or experience.

And now that I'm 30 I have people (mostly family, not like I have a lot of people in my life) breathing down my neck about what I should be doing now that I'm 30, making comments and cracking jokes about being an old man or "too old" for this or that, and the reality of being too old to make up for everything I missed out on is really setting in. Everything just feels more hopeless now than it ever has been. I have no confidence in myself to succeed at anything, I can't even picture myself being successful. I feel like I've given up any real hope that life will get better, that I'll somehow get my life on track and have a sense of normalcy with things like a social life, group of friends, dating life, sex, a job that doesn't make me wish I'd just died in my sleep every morning I wake up. I've never been suicidal, but lately I've found myself fantasizing about it more, and if you asked me if I thought it's possible I'd kill myself before I'm 40 if nothing in my life changes, I honestly don't know. I'm just tired of the passing years leaving me with nothing but regrets instead of interesting stories and meaningful accomplishments, and I'm tired of being disappointed with life. I'm fucking miserable, and I hate myself. Sometimes it seems so surreal to think that my life has really turned out this badly, that I actually made it to 30 without ever having gone on a goddamn date. What the fuck did I ever do to deserve this? Where did I fuck up so badly? I'm just sick of being me. I guess this isn't really going anywhere, I just needed to rant. Went to bed and woke up feeling particularly miserable with myself.

You sound like me. I'm in the same situation.


No, just no.
I used to think that way too, but after about a year with facebook I've come to an interesting conclusion: most people just add everyone they talk to for more than 2 minutes. I've often met people while being with friends, never seeing them again, and 2 weeks later I notice the others have all added those guys I'd already almost forgotten about.
I feel like I'm the only one not adding every random retard I meet.

Seriously, people with over 50 friends on facebook either spend lots of time abroad, are some kind of minor celebrity (e.g. play in a band) or just add anyone they talk to.
And the status updates,... are specifically geared towards making the person look good. Only an attention-whore would post stuff like 'my life sucks' or 'so depressed :('

Edit: Look, no-one can guarantee that things will get better. I'll flat out tell you that maybe they won't.
But if you try, there is a good chance they will. I was at rock bottom less than a year ago. I had 3 "friends", and none of them lived in my immediate vicinity. I'd trudge to university, feel like a total alien, trudge home and watch TV. I suffered from depression and social anxiety all the time. I was on a shitload of medications. But somewhere along the line I resumed fighting. I did stuff I always wanted to do, even though I knew the road there was going to be hard. I don't want to get too specific but if some of that shit had gone wrong I might've killed myself because the emotional trauma would've been too much.
Now you might say that I got lucky, and someone else might not, and that's right. But in order to get lucky, I had to take a shot. And not just one shot - I took a lot of shots. Most didn't work out, but one or two did. And here I am now. My life is still fucked up in some aspects, but all in all, I'm rather content. I still suffer from SA occasionally, and once in a while depression comes back.
But I don't take any medication anymore and I know that people out there care for me and believe in me, even though they are not obligated to due to blood relations. Yeah, people not related to me believing in me actually was a novel concept to me. That's how fucked up my social life was.

Fellow SA sufferers often tell me how I'm so harsh to myself and how they could never do that, but the truth is: I'm not a particularly brave or even diligent man. I'm lazy as fuck and half of the time I can't muster up the courage or motivation to do anything.
But I never cancel a plan just because I didn't couldn't do it the first time. I postpone it and try again later.
And that, I believe, is the secret to my success: think long-term, find out what you have to do and do it by any means possible.

It does not get better. I'm not going to spend another half of my shitty life looking for a therapist and hope things get better by the time that happens I will be in my 50s with nothing and no one. At least when i am dead i dont have to deal with anything or anyone or hope for anything that does not exist.
 
Can I come visit sometime :(?
Of course you can! Anyone can come and visit me whenever they want. I love meeting new people. Just let me know when you're in Los Angeles.

Caveat: I'm not much a drinker, so I'd be more down for jumping around on trampolines or something at Sky High Sports or chilling at CityWalk than just going to a bar. Unless the bar is the The Edison, which is the coolest bar ever.
 
Depression sucks, but I try to think of it like this.

Things might get better if you choose to live. They definitely won't get better if you are dead. They will just cease.


I'm tired of the bullshit of things getting better. I used to think that in junior high, then in high school, then in college and its been one thing that i have been holding on to and it has not gotten better. if i could i would go back in time to myself in junior high and totally kill that so he won't grow up to be me.
 
I'm 26 now, gonna be 27 in Feb.

I'm feeling old, I'm getting bald, and I've been single for 2 years. I've been really depressed, new year's sucked, I don't know what to do with my life. I don't like to go out, meet new people, I don't like to exercise... I'm just a boring person I think.
 
I'm tired of the bullshit of things getting better. I used to think that in junior high, then in high school, then in college and its been one thing that i have been holding on to and it has not gotten better. if i could i would go back in time to myself in junior high and totally kill that so he won't grow up to be me.

I didn't really say that, man.

Please, don't give up. I'm not in this thread very often, but I am sure you have heard all the advice there is. The only thing I will tell you is to keep getting professional help.
 
Of course you can! Anyone can come and visit me whenever they want. I love meeting new people. Just let me know when you're in Los Angeles.

Caveat: I'm not much a drinker, so I'd be more down for jumping around on trampolines or something at Sky High Sports or chilling at CityWalk than just going to a bar. Unless the bar is the The Edison, which is the coolest bar ever.

Me neither :D, someday youll have a pm in your inbox :3.... someday
 
I'm 26 now, gonna be 27 in Feb.

I'm feeling old, I'm getting bald, and I've been single for 2 years. I've been really depressed, new year's sucked, I don't know what to do with my life. I don't like to go out, meet new people, I don't like to exercise... I'm just a boring person I think.

You seem to know what to fix, begin with the exercise and the rest will follow automatically :)
 
I'm back in one of those "what's the point of being alive" moods, which sucks. Not that I ever get suicidal or anything—I mean, I get to the "it'd be fine if I was dead" phase, but never to where I actually consider doing it—but at these points I have to work really, really hard to keep from falling back into super-huge depressions.

I think what's caused it lately is that I've hit the point where I'm really tired of not having friends here in LA. Typically I'm the type of person who enjoys doing my own thing and whatnot, but even I need that contact with other human beings on that level. I've been out here three years now, and haven't found one single person who I can connect with on any kind of real friendship level. (Having a job where I work from home for all three of those years is a huge part of the problem I'm sure.) I've tried to go out and make a few attempts here and there—tried a Meetup group, hit a few local shops that specialize in stuff I'm into—but no go on any of it. Of course, it's always been tough for me to get past that first step in making good friends anyhow, so yeah.

So that combined with my ever-present reason to be frustrated at life has really put me in a foul mood as of late. I had a week off for the holidays, and basically spent it doing absolutely nothing because there wasn't a single thing I could find that seems worth doing to me. Ugh.
 
I'm back in one of those "what's the point of being alive" moods, which sucks. Not that I ever get suicidal or anything—I mean, I get to the "it'd be fine if I was dead" phase, but never to where I actually consider doing it—but at these points I have to work really, really hard to keep from falling back into super-huge depressions.

I think what's caused it lately is that I've hit the point where I'm really tired of not having friends here in LA. Typically I'm the type of person who enjoys doing my own thing and whatnot, but even I need that contact with other human beings on that level. I've been out here three years now, and haven't found one single person who I can connect with on any kind of real friendship level. (Having a job where I work from home for all three of those years is a huge part of the problem I'm sure.) I've tried to go out and make a few attempts here and there—tried a Meetup group, hit a few local shops that specialize in stuff I'm into—but no go on any of it. Of course, it's always been tough for me to get past that first step in making good friends anyhow, so yeah.

So that combined with my ever-present reason to be frustrated at life has really put me in a foul mood as of late. I had a week off for the holidays, and basically spent it doing absolutely nothing because there wasn't a single thing I could find that seems worth doing to me. Ugh.
Bro that is a feel I very much know. It's funny, for how often I'm called anti-social, life does sometimes just feel meaningless when you have no one to share it with. Even the little things like watching a movie or going out to eat.
 
I'm tired of the bullshit of things getting better. I used to think that in junior high, then in high school, then in college and its been one thing that i have been holding on to and it has not gotten better. if i could i would go back in time to myself in junior high and totally kill that so he won't grow up to be me.
Neo seems to literally be the closest person in this thread to suicide, so I direct these comments at him.

My only direct experience with a close friend with a mental disease was actually anorexia, not straight depression...though certainly, they were closely linked. She was a beautiful Korean girl when I met her, but just barely over a year later, I could hardly stand to look at her. I don't want to link directly to any disturbing images, but she was similar to those Ethopian children you see on the internet: almost literally nothing but skin and bones. It was like a horrible Disney movie come to life.

I asked her why she did that to herself, and of course, the answer was that "she felt fat". But I was curious: I knew this girl was logically very intelligent (I.Q. certainly above 130), so I asked her if there were a part of her that understood, logically, rationally, away from the emotional centers of her brain, that her current appearance was attractive to almost literally no one. She thought about it for awhile and answered yes, but that it didn't matter: her own revulsion at any sort of fat on her body when she looked in the mirror overrode those thoughts with significant force.

This, to me, is the definition of a mental disease: when a part of one's brain, for whatever reason, is able to literally override the parts that speak rationality. Your brain *is* doing this...your own depression is masking (and in some cases, even preventing) the ability of your brain to envision any future in which things are better. And, because that future is closed off to you, you, of course, take no action to reach or strive for it...simply because, to you, it doesn't exist. There is no better future. There is no better path.

Probability dictates that there is a chance that, you're correct, your future won't get any better. But based on posts I've read, it seems...unlikely, considering how bad things are at the moment. But you have to understand that your mind is almost literally lying to you, and you can't trust it. And it must be a horrifying feeling, to not be able to trust your own mind, but if you can find someone *else* out there who you think you can trust, put your faith in them.

The Game Theory square on this one is simple: killing yourself is an expected gain of zero. Continuing to live, based on your current position, is an expected positive gain. Trust the math. Trust someone else. Because things can get better, and you're sitting there shaking your head "no they can't", right now at your computer screen, but that's the currently messed up part of your brain making you do that.

As a follow-up, my Korean friend is doing much better now. She actually works with a suicide prevention group in Tampa Bay, Florida, and she's added about twenty pounds to her frame from her worst point. Still uncomfortably skinny, probably, but far better than she was.
 
I tried twice, I absolutely hate exercising, man. Can't stand. :/

I'm thinking of buying a bike. But I'm already afraid of being robbed =/

What about it do you not like? Try finding a sport that you like, or something. Listen to something (music, podcasts) while exercising? I find it being much more enjoyable when listening to a podcast I like.

Even simple exercises like pushups, situps, where you don't need equipment or gym membership that you can benefit from.

One thing I know for sure is that physical activity will help you feel at least a little better.
 
It does not get better. I'm not going to spend another half of my shitty life looking for a therapist and hope things get better by the time that happens I will be in my 50s with nothing and no one. At least when i am dead i dont have to deal with anything or anyone or hope for anything that does not exist.
It doesn't take that long. If you give everything you've got (and also get lucky, I'll admit that's also necessary), you could be in a much better situation in one or two years. Maybe less.
Finding a good therapist took me a year. But all the while, even with sub-par therapists, things got better because I didn't solely rely on therapy.
I'm repeating myself at this point: do shit you always wanted to do, try meeting new people, find out who you are...

Look: if you want to kill yourself anyway, why not give everything you've got first?
You can still kill yourself if it doesn't work out. Death isn't going anywhere.
Please give life one more chance.
 
Don't know if anyone will read this, it's not very structured. But anyway:

I have to study for finals now (I'm studying applied informatics) but I realized that it's not really something for me. I would love to do something else. Language stuff/journalism. The thing is, if I have an informatics degree I'll get a job without even breaking a sweat. The other degrees aren't really that "asked for'. My sister has a journalism degree but it's so hard to get there.

It's just so hard to start studying. I'm lazy as fuck, but I don't want to disappoint my parents. (Again)

Don't really want to talk about other 'feelings' I have. Just that I'm more or less depressed. Fucked up weather outside, not sure what to do with a girl that I'm fooling around with, unable to study, having hurt a lot of people lately (mostly girls). I just don't know what to do with my thoughts and feelings... Some days I'll be all right, but other days I'm just a fucking mess.
 
I tried twice, I absolutely hate exercising, man. Can't stand. :/

I'm thinking of buying a bike. But I'm already afraid of being robbed =/

take up martial arts or boxing
do pressups when you die in videogames
buying a bike is a good idea since its the most fun way of excercising
taking up dancing will do more than just keep you fit
 
take up martial arts or boxing
do pressups when you die in videogames
buying a bike is a good idea since its the most fun way of excercising
taking up dancing will do more than just keep you fit

Yeah I'm gonna try something. I got a serious stress crisis some time ago, my psychiatrist wanted me to leave my job. Unfortunately, I couldn't afford to do that. But I'll work less now, so I'll have more time for myself (I had NO TIME last semester). On the other hand, this is also my last semester at college, so I'll be screwed with the course completion assignment =/
 
I generally don't like sharing things, but I attempted suicide last week. Needless to say, it didn't work. I never felt so satisfied and free when I finally realized that everything is pointless.
 
I'm going to try and make some changes and see if that improves my life, hopefully i can stick with them. Either this month or next i am going to try and another job and get out of call centers. This is one of the main troubles in my life. Its like I am working just to pay bills and each day my soul just dies. As much as I put into work I get less out and treated like crap. Seems like people who show up late and lack off on personal calls get lenient schedules while people like me that actually show up on time and does work have the shittiest schedule of the week. F-me, I already have a Bachelor's Degree why am I still at this damn place. I've been tagging potential jobs on my iphone at lunch today. I just have anxiety with doing my resume and interviews.
 
I generally don't like sharing things, but I attempted suicide last week. Needless to say, it didn't work. I never felt so satisfied and free when I finally realized that everything is pointless.

I'm sorry to hear that you tried to kill yourself, but I'm glad you're still alive. Where are you right now?
 
I generally don't like sharing things, but I attempted suicide last week. Needless to say, it didn't work. I never felt so satisfied and free when I finally realized that everything is pointless.

you didnt get any criminal charges or put in a hospital?
interesting
 
criminal charges? what? is attempting suicide seriously a crime in the US?

Yes. And yes, it is silly. We have a bad habit of telling people what they can and can't do with their existence and life here.

Edit: I think it may depend on the state on whether or not you can be charged.
 
Yes. And yes, it is silly. We have a bad habit of telling people what they can and can't do with their existence and life here.

Edit: I think it may depend on the state on whether or not you can be charged.
Next logical step: death penalty for attempting suicide.

Wow, and I thought the EU was a bad 'nanny state'. Shit is ridiculous.
 
It's been really hard this past year. My life seems to have stalled since the beginning of last year. I've had all of these hopes of becoming something great, and I have all of these great attributes that make me a great guy, but for so long I've lead myself to believe that I'm not worth anything and that I don't deserve anything. My depression has ruined so many great things in my life and I have no idea how to change it.

It ruined the greatest thing to ever happen to my life. My ex-girlfriend went from saying "I've been falling so hard for you since then, and that will never ever stop. I'm so in love with you" and "I will never get sick of you." To her basically saying that she doesn't want to be around me anymore. She gave me so many times to shape up, and I honestly didn't know what to do to make myself better. Now I know that it was my depression and I hate myself everyday that I had to find out now.

I have been going to counseling, blogging about how I feel, and going to the gym more than 4 days a week to keep me happy, but everyday I find myself hating myself to the point of punching something or sometimes someone. Each day I keep thinking about how many people would come to my funeral and how people would react to my death. Yesterday I started to really think about suicide.

All of these ideas subside the moment I head to the gym, but man it's getting to the point where I don't know where else I can go. I make the same mistakes over and over again and I lost the person I wanted to spend the rest of my life with. I regret so much and hate myself everyday for everything I've done wrong.

I'm a strong person, I know I would never commit suicide, but these ideas are scaring me GAF, what in the hell can I do to make me genuinely happy again for the first time in over a year?
 


In all seriousness, I just want to chime in with my input and life experiences.. High school sucked for me, and so did the end of junior high. I wasn't really a friend to anyone, despite knowing everyone. Stuff just generally sucked. I became home schooled later on, after a 6 month 'vacation' of hell in Egypt, which was not a fun experience.

Anyway, long story short, at 16 I wake up to a slamming door and an FBI/NSA guy with a gun in to my face. Yells step aside etc etc and proceeds to yell out the names of my family (mother, father, sister). They all get taken away, and i'm left with my nephew who just turned one year old. I've never change his diaper, never fed him, bathed him or put him to sleep. I'm just left in the house alone with him. I break down, don't know what to do, and it's just horrible. I make my way and take care of myself and the baby by all means necessary. Electricity of the house cut off eventually, food supplies were low and friends were scarce. Those friends that I did know, even close family friends who I had known for many years, showed their true colors.

I eventually made my way, which is a long story, and got help. I didn't want to go into CPS because I knew me and my nephew would get split. I also couldn't contact my family as they were in downtown houston and there were no means for me to get there or know where they would be exactly. This went on for half a year, me on my own, 16, raising this baby alone. It was the most horrible time of my life. No freedom, no guarantee of a future, no nothing. Not knowing what's coming around the corner or what the future holds is dreadful. There were times where I honestly contemplated suicide , putting the kid up for adoption somehow, and so on. I probably would have if it weren't for my baby nephew though, I just morally had to stay in this mode where I took care of him. I lost 15-20 pounds in this time period, because I was going days sometimes without eating to feed the baby.

In the end it worked out, I met good people and made some fine friends, and I was reunited with my family. This was at the very end, and it came suddenly at a low point for me.

I guess my point in all this, is that when you are truly free and have options, I just don't see how you can complain about life. Everything sucks sometimes, but really embrace how good you have it, how free you are to do whatever you want, explore, meet people, live love learn etc.

I know it may not be that simple, but every day I fall asleep I spiral into the world that I was in for those 6 months or so, and I get nauseous and depressed, but then I open my eyes are realize everything is fine now and i'm free, with endless possibilities ahead of me and an anchor on life.

Just my input, hope it helps and I hope I didn't offend anyone.
 
I'm going to try and make some changes and see if that improves my life, hopefully i can stick with them. Either this month or next i am going to try and another job and get out of call centers. This is one of the main troubles in my life. Its like I am working just to pay bills and each day my soul just dies. As much as I put into work I get less out and treated like crap. Seems like people who show up late and lack off on personal calls get lenient schedules while people like me that actually show up on time and does work have the shittiest schedule of the week. F-me, I already have a Bachelor's Degree why am I still at this damn place. I've been tagging potential jobs on my iphone at lunch today. I just have anxiety with doing my resume and interviews.

Sounds to me like you're "Keeping up with the Joneses"...

You have to change the way you view or see a successful life being lived...

A new job with more money isn't really going to make you happy and if it does it will only be temporary at best as you'll just want more money and a better job soon enough. It's just a vicious cycle of social mobility...

I've read your posts on this page and you sound very much like me during and after the period I left university. I was really depressed and suffered with anxiety and was prescribed beta blockers. I was in a really bad place had thoughts of suicide as I kept comparing myself to my peers and family and friends had all these expectations of me etc and on top of that I did soul destroying jobs.

Anyways I went through alot of therapy during this period but talking or taking medication was not helping me in the least and one day I just happened to pick up this book which really helped me put things into perspective why I felt the way I did.

You have to move away from what you are currently chasing and realise that even if you do get what you are chasing you won't be happy...you have to instead re-define what you want based on what you genuinely feel...you have to ask yourself is what you are doing what you want? or what is expected on you?

Just my opinion...
 
It's been really hard this past year. My life seems to have stalled since the beginning of last year. I've had all of these hopes of becoming something great, and I have all of these great attributes that make me a great guy, but for so long I've lead myself to believe that I'm not worth anything and that I don't deserve anything. My depression has ruined so many great things in my life and I have no idea how to change it.

It ruined the greatest thing to ever happen to my life. My ex-girlfriend went from saying "I've been falling so hard for you since then, and that will never ever stop. I'm so in love with you" and "I will never get sick of you." To her basically saying that she doesn't want to be around me anymore. She gave me so many times to shape up, and I honestly didn't know what to do to make myself better. Now I know that it was my depression and I hate myself everyday that I had to find out now.

I have been going to counseling, blogging about how I feel, and going to the gym more than 4 days a week to keep me happy, but everyday I find myself hating myself to the point of punching something or sometimes someone. Each day I keep thinking about how many people would come to my funeral and how people would react to my death. Yesterday I started to really think about suicide.

All of these ideas subside the moment I head to the gym, but man it's getting to the point where I don't know where else I can go. I make the same mistakes over and over again and I lost the person I wanted to spend the rest of my life with. I regret so much and hate myself everyday for everything I've done wrong.

I'm a strong person, I know I would never commit suicide, but these ideas are scaring me GAF, what in the hell can I do to make me genuinely happy again for the first time in over a year?

When you feel like you're trapped in a corner it's difficult to see a way out. Obviously you have some serious self-image issues - something that forcing yourself to attend the gym isn't going to fix. It sounds like you need to find a better therapist who can truly breach the low-level foundations for your unhappiness. It seems like a frustrating set back but (as I said above) the second you find yourself with someone you can trust - someone who can tell you they'll help you get better and you believe them - you'll breathe a huge sigh of relief.

I had been getting progressively less functional and more miserable for quite a period of time until the summer when I thankfully got in with a great doctor (combination psych + therapist, which I recommend). I was finally able to let go and work on my life appointment to appointment rather than get paralyzed by my larger-scale fears and problems.

Best of luck to you. And (again, as I said above) feel free to PM me if you want to arrange some communication and talk about it.
 
When you feel like you're trapped in a corner it's difficult to see a way out. Obviously you have some serious self-image issues - something that forcing yourself to attend the gym isn't going to fix. It sounds like you need to find a better therapist who can truly breach the low-level foundations for your unhappiness. It seems like a frustrating set back but (as I said above) the second you find yourself with someone you can trust - someone who can tell you they'll help you get better and you believe them - you'll breathe a huge sigh of relief.

I had been getting progressively less functional and more miserable for quite a period of time until the summer when I thankfully got in with a great doctor (combination psych + therapist, which I recommend). I was finally able to let go and work on my life appointment to appointment rather than get paralyzed by my larger-scale fears and problems.

Best of luck to you. And (again, as I said above) feel free to PM me if you want to arrange some communication and talk about it.


The gym helps. I used to be a really good soccer player before my all of my injuries and concussions and it makes me feel good about myself. Having said that, I now know I've been pretty depressed for a while and haven't sought help for a long time. I would hold things in and then have them explode out after a very stressful day or when I got blackout drunk.

Going to the gym, running, blogging, and counseling have helped me learn how to cope with these things better, but beyond that I'm still really unhappy. Everyday I think about negative things I've done or had done to me. I regret what I could have done, or should have done. I know I'm a great guy, but it takes me telling myself atleast 10x a day that I am worth people's time.

When I look back at my life I've been depressed for a good part of my teens, and now into my early twenties. It's gotten progressively worse and I'm starting to really think about anti-depressants. I just want something that will make me feel better about myself as I go through a more intensive therapy process, because obviously individual counseling from a part-time counselor at the local crisis center is not doing much for me.
 
Anyway, long story short, at 16 I wake up to a slamming door and an FBI/NSA guy with a gun in to my face. Yells step aside etc etc and proceeds to yell out the names of my family (mother, father, sister). They all get taken away, and i'm left with my nephew who just turned one year old.
I'm sorry that this happened, but you can't just summarize it this way. What happened?
 
The gym helps. I used to be a really good soccer player before my all of my injuries and concussions and it makes me feel good about myself. Having said that, I now know I've been pretty depressed for a while and haven't sought help for a long time. I would hold things in and then have them explode out after a very stressful day or when I got blackout drunk.

Going to the gym, running, blogging, and counseling have helped me learn how to cope with these things better, but beyond that I'm still really unhappy. Everyday I think about negative things I've done or had done to me. I regret what I could have done, or should have done. I know I'm a great guy, but it takes me telling myself atleast 10x a day that I am worth people's time.

When I look back at my life I've been depressed for a good part of my teens, and now into my early twenties. It's gotten progressively worse and I'm starting to really think about anti-depressants. I just want something that will make me feel better about myself as I go through a more intensive therapy process, because obviously individual counseling from a part-time counselor at the local crisis center is not doing much for me.

Find a combination psychiatrist/therapist if you can. Ideally someone who isn't quick on the trigger with medications. Be very upfront with what you want and expect from your treatment and don't be afraid to leave them if they aren't doing anything for you.

Your issues seem to ride above what actually goes on in your life; you're unable or afraid to let go of the past and past failures, which is damaging your current function, thus further feeding the cycle. It's this that makes me feel like you need some in depth analysis (and perhaps anti-depressants - they're not a solution, but often a helpful tool) to identify the underlying currents, something beyond what crisis counseling can provide.

What you want to avoid with therapy/counseling is someone who just listens to you talk and tells you things you already know about yourself. Find someone who can connect the dots in ways you aren't quite able to. Even good friends can be helpful in this way - if you find someone close to open up to often they can add it up in a way that requires a third person perspective.
 
I'm sorry that this happened, but you can't just summarize it this way. What happened?
I really came out of the damn blue. They were supposedly involved in some organized crime regarding false checks or some scheme of sorts, which is insane. It really did take me as surprise.

Especially as an average family, born and raised in the US with my parents being citizens who came to the US more than twenty years ago, etc.
 
She gave me so many times to shape up, and I honestly didn't know what to do to make myself better. Now I know that it was my depression and I hate myself everyday that I had to find out now.

It's not your fault. You honestly didn't know what to do so it is not your fault. Stop blaming yourself, stop feeling guilty, stop hating yourself. You were just unlucky to have depression, so sure be a bit disappointed as in I bought a lottery ticket and didn't win, that's a shame disappointed but don't beat yourself up over it. At least you had a girlfriend and had some good times. And now you are free and have another chance to find someone else to be with. And this time you'll be wiser and have a better shot at succeeding.

All of these ideas subside the moment I head to the gym...
...I have all of these great attributes that make me a great guy...
I'm a strong person...
The gym helps. I used to be a really good soccer player before my all of my injuries and concussions and it makes me feel good about myself.
Going to the gym, running, blogging, and counseling have helped me learn how to cope with these things better
I know I'm a great guy...

Doesn't sound too bleak to me, seems you've got something to work with and build upon.
 
I definitely can relate. 2011 was the worst year of my life. I split and have been separated from my wife since the end of December in 2010. She cheated on me, and that was that. It was a huge mistake on her part, she truly is sorry for what happened, and we had a lot of stuff going on, but that was a game ender.

My work has been probably the most fierce force of my depression. While Im definitely upset about my marriage falling apart, at least I dont have to show up from 5:30 am to 5:00 pm to my marriage 5 days a week. Without going into specifics that are hard to really translate how bad things have gotten, Ill keep it brief.

My work group here was a group of 9. I work for a major health insurance company. In 2010, 1 left for a new job. Then another had a baby and didnt return. Then another moved. Then another got a new job. So we went from 9 people to 5, but the work load didnt decrease, it increased. To this day, January 2012, we still are only up to 7 people. We are being really abused here. After being here 5 years, this job has changed dramatically in the past year and a half. We are doing a really insane amount of more work, with less people, and come to find out that while everyone else is getting additional compensation, we are not. We've brought it up twice, once last July, once in October, and nothing has been done.

Im 31 and feel I dont have a career. My job which showed promise 5 years ago is now terrible and drives me crazy. I hate it. Im not even making 14 an hour and there is no opportunity for growth. But I dont have any networking skills. So if I left.... I dont know where I would go to even make the tiny amount I make now. Hell, even to get into this shit hole I had to have someone from the inside pulling me in. The "be thankful you have a job" doesnt cut it at all for me.

Also, in the beginning of 2010, I was at 350 lbs. Yeah, I know. A lot of people are blown away by it because while Im a big guy, I dont look 350 lbs. big. During 2010, I lost a lot of it and dropped down to 270. Due to the situation at home and at work, Ive gained most of it back, 340.

And thats all on me, I know. But I just never feel like doing anything. Like, Ill buy a movie, book, or game, and get home and just... not to anything, go to bed early.

So in summary; in 2011, I lost my wife, have a job that that I hate, not dislike, and it gets worse by the day (and even as I type this as it would work out), live with my mother due to not making enough to live and pay for everything on my own, haven't even been on a date in a year, gained back a ton of weight, and feel so depressed that its hard to do anything on most days, and in 2012, I REALLY need something to change. Bad.
 
I definitely can relate. 2011 was the worst year of my life. I split and have been separated from my wife since the end of December in 2010. She cheated on me, and that was that. It was a huge mistake on her part, she truly is sorry for what happened, and we had a lot of stuff going on, but that was a game ender.

My work has been probably the most fierce force of my depression. While Im definitely upset about my marriage falling apart, at least I dont have to show up from 5:30 am to 5:00 pm to my marriage 5 days a week. Without going into specifics that are hard to really translate how bad things have gotten, Ill keep it brief.

My work group here was a group of 9. I work for a major health insurance company. In 2010, 1 left for a new job. Then another had a baby and didnt return. Then another moved. Then another got a new job. So we went from 9 people to 5, but the work load didnt decrease, it increased. To this day, January 2012, we still are only up to 7 people. We are being really abused here. After being here 5 years, this job has changed dramatically in the past year and a half. We are doing a really insane amount of more work, with less people, and come to find out that while everyone else is getting additional compensation, we are not. We've brought it up twice, once last July, once in October, and nothing has been done.

Im 31 and feel I dont have a career. My job which showed promise 5 years ago is now terrible and drives me crazy. I hate it. Im not even making 14 an hour and there is no opportunity for growth. But I dont have any networking skills. So if I left.... I dont know where I would go to even make the tiny amount I make now. Hell, even to get into this shit hole I had to have someone from the inside pulling me in. The "be thankful you have a job" doesnt cut it at all for me.

Also, in the beginning of 2010, I was at 350 lbs. Yeah, I know. A lot of people are blown away by it because while Im a big guy, I dont look 350 lbs. big. During 2010, I lost a lot of it and dropped down to 270. Due to the situation at home and at work, Ive gained most of it back, 340.

And thats all on me, I know. But I just never feel like doing anything. Like, Ill buy a movie, book, or game, and get home and just... not to anything, go to bed early.

So in summary; in 2011, I lost my wife, have a job that that I hate, not dislike, and it gets worse by the day (and even as I type this as it would work out), live with my mother due to not making enough to live and pay for everything on my own, haven't even been on a date in a year, gained back a ton of weight, and feel so depressed that its hard to do anything on most days, and in 2012, I REALLY need something to change. Bad.

I am in almost the same situation, living at home, fat with no prospects and not sure how to change my life. I'm thinking of a few things right now that i will talk over with a friend. I think you and I should make some sort of change to get us out of this rut.

Just watched this youtube video of this cute guy who just moved to london and everything and I am thinking this is some type of change i and maybe you might need. not moving to london but doing something or moving that can motivate you to feel better about yourself.
 


In all seriousness, I just want to chime in with my input and life experiences.. High school sucked for me, and so did the end of junior high. I wasn't really a friend to anyone, despite knowing everyone. Stuff just generally sucked. I became home schooled later on, after a 6 month 'vacation' of hell in Egypt, which was not a fun experience.

Anyway, long story short, at 16 I wake up to a slamming door and an FBI/NSA guy with a gun in to my face. Yells step aside etc etc and proceeds to yell out the names of my family (mother, father, sister). They all get taken away, and i'm left with my nephew who just turned one year old. I've never change his diaper, never fed him, bathed him or put him to sleep. I'm just left in the house alone with him. I break down, don't know what to do, and it's just horrible. I make my way and take care of myself and the baby by all means necessary. Electricity of the house cut off eventually, food supplies were low and friends were scarce. Those friends that I did know, even close family friends who I had known for many years, showed their true colors.

I eventually made my way, which is a long story, and got help. I didn't want to go into CPS because I knew me and my nephew would get split. I also couldn't contact my family as they were in downtown houston and there were no means for me to get there or know where they would be exactly. This went on for half a year, me on my own, 16, raising this baby alone. It was the most horrible time of my life. No freedom, no guarantee of a future, no nothing. Not knowing what's coming around the corner or what the future holds is dreadful. There were times where I honestly contemplated suicide , putting the kid up for adoption somehow, and so on. I probably would have if it weren't for my baby nephew though, I just morally had to stay in this mode where I took care of him. I lost 15-20 pounds in this time period, because I was going days sometimes without eating to feed the baby.

In the end it worked out, I met good people and made some fine friends, and I was reunited with my family. This was at the very end, and it came suddenly at a low point for me.

I guess my point in all this, is that when you are truly free and have options, I just don't see how you can complain about life. Everything sucks sometimes, but really embrace how good you have it, how free you are to do whatever you want, explore, meet people, live love learn etc.

I know it may not be that simple, but every day I fall asleep I spiral into the world that I was in for those 6 months or so, and I get nauseous and depressed, but then I open my eyes are realize everything is fine now and i'm free, with endless possibilities ahead of me and an anchor on life.

Just my input, hope it helps and I hope I didn't offend anyone.

Neojubei should be feeling ashamed of their self after reading this.
 
implying that someone is suffering more than you are so you should be happy
only the worst kind of twisted logic
Well, whatever. I was just trying to share a bit of my life and how it turned me around and how it could help someone else, but if even that doesn't help and is found 'twistidely' offensive then i'll just gtfo now.

sheesh..
 
Well, whatever. I was just trying to share a bit of my life and how it turned me around and how it could help someone else, but if even that doesn't help and is found 'twistidely' offensive then i'll just gtfo now.

sheesh..

im not sure why you are quoting me
 
Well, whatever. I was just trying to share a bit of my life and how it turned me around and how it could help someone else, but if even that doesn't help and is found 'twistidely' offensive then i'll just gtfo now.

sheesh..

Um, you should double check who was being addressed and why.

sheesh...


what are you talking about? I hope you don't ever have to feel how i am feeling right now.

Don't listen to the sputtering of that asshole.
 
Um, you should double check who was being addressed and why.

sheesh...
Sorry, thought it was being addressed towards me since that's who he (drealm) quoted.

Anyway, neojubei, I don't know what the right or wrong things are to say in order to help you, but sometimes has its ways of surprising us and I do hope your life takes a turn for the better, whatever that may be.
 
Don't listen to the sputtering of that asshole.

Im an asshole?

If she has the resources and time to sit on the internet and complain about shit then she sure as shit can make something better with her life.

I used to have a negative attitude, during my teenager years(16-20). Im 21 now but I have turned it around. You know how I did it? I put some fucking effort in. You make your own luck. Period.

In the last 6 months I have acquired a job(unemployed for 2 and a half years) my first car. 5 new hobbies(tennis, badminton, football, cooking lessons and joggers club) all of which I do once a week. I put the fucking effort in to turn my life around. I stop sitting at the computer thinking of what I could be and went out and did it despite the obstacles.

6 months ago I had none of this. You have no idea how good it feels to turn your life around, but it sure as hell didnt happen over night. It all happened gradually bit by bit and each time I made progress was a personal achievement.
 
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