Depression
- Thread starter Jea Song
- Start date
- Status
I am beginning to feel like I have no meaning in life, that my existence is pointless, that I am doing more harm than good.. Ever since I was a young boy I've had big plans to study hard, have good relationships with my friends and be the best I can be. However for the past 3 years of my high school career I've only been getting worse.. This past year especially was the worst year period. My life feels so pointless, I feel like I'm a waste of space and that I have nothing to offer the world.
Sometimes I wonder why I was born, my mother said I wasn't planned and because of a dream that she had, she decided to keep me. Now that I'm here I wonder what was the meaning behind that? Why was I brought into a world with so much pain and suffering? Why does it feel like my life itself is getting worse and worse? For the past 2 and a half years I've been deeply in love with a girl, but she has a boyfriend, after being depressed about it for years I finally got over it but now I wonder about who I really am and what I'm doing with my life.. I feel like everything's gone downhill ever since I started high school. I feel as if my life has no meaning what so ever, my marks have been getting worse and worse, my social life is falling apart and my health isn't getting better, lately I've been feeling sick and having chest pains, although I am aware that I am eating unhealthy a lot lately I feel like I can't stop. I feel like it's the only good thing going on in my life.
I feel like my life is a big waste of space, I have no potential and I'm doing more harm than good, my cousins goldfish that I've been taking care of for about 4 months passed away, its 8 years old and I feel like it was because I haven't changed the water for a month.. I cried a lot today and thought about how my life isn't doing anyone any good. I've thought about suicide multiple times but then I think about the wonders of life and how the beauty of it keeps me going, how the human life experience is so fascinating how we all try to find the answers to life's most mind boggling questions. Although school is about a month away I feel like there's no point in going because based on this previous year, things feel like their only going to get worse and that I should just end it all before it starts.. For the past year and a half this question has been bothering me. What is the purpose of my life? Ever since this question came to mind I have seen no signs pointing to a possible answer..
Sometimes I wonder why I was born, my mother said I wasn't planned and because of a dream that she had, she decided to keep me. Now that I'm here I wonder what was the meaning behind that? Why was I brought into a world with so much pain and suffering? Why does it feel like my life itself is getting worse and worse? For the past 2 and a half years I've been deeply in love with a girl, but she has a boyfriend, after being depressed about it for years I finally got over it but now I wonder about who I really am and what I'm doing with my life.. I feel like everything's gone downhill ever since I started high school. I feel as if my life has no meaning what so ever, my marks have been getting worse and worse, my social life is falling apart and my health isn't getting better, lately I've been feeling sick and having chest pains, although I am aware that I am eating unhealthy a lot lately I feel like I can't stop. I feel like it's the only good thing going on in my life.
I feel like my life is a big waste of space, I have no potential and I'm doing more harm than good, my cousins goldfish that I've been taking care of for about 4 months passed away, its 8 years old and I feel like it was because I haven't changed the water for a month.. I cried a lot today and thought about how my life isn't doing anyone any good. I've thought about suicide multiple times but then I think about the wonders of life and how the beauty of it keeps me going, how the human life experience is so fascinating how we all try to find the answers to life's most mind boggling questions. Although school is about a month away I feel like there's no point in going because based on this previous year, things feel like their only going to get worse and that I should just end it all before it starts.. For the past year and a half this question has been bothering me. What is the purpose of my life? Ever since this question came to mind I have seen no signs pointing to a possible answer..
I'm pretty much in the same spot. I know there was no way I was a planned kid but my parents have never said anything about it. I've been out of high school for about 5 years and haven't really done much. I've been pretty much depressed since high school but I won't tell anyone because I don't trust anyone. I thought having a girlfriend would help and I finally have someone awesome and i'm pretty bipolar about it. I'm happy one minute and Pissed the other. I saw her a while ago and after she left i decided to go hang out in a bar by myself.
Metroid Hunter
Banned
Even though you weren't planned, your parents decided to keep you and that should mean something right? You are loved, but you seem confused. Since you mention high school, I'll assume you're still in it; have you considered talking to a counselor or an anonymous helpline?
Try the Kids Help Phone Line and they'll listen to you. Sometimes talking gets things off your chest and makes you feel better.
You present a pretty good story for depression. Shoot me a PM and I can do some simple screening tests that have good literature support. We can talk about specific symptoms and stuff too, if you're curious.
TheyTookOurJobs
Member
I've been reading Feeling Good and taking his checklist test and have been doing pretty good lately. I still sleep until 11am or 2pm but I'm getting much better and my anxiety and fear have almost gone away. My therapist also tells me to confront my negative thoughts and substitute it with a realistic, positive thought.
My best friend and I had plans but he ditched me last second. I guess I deserve it because I actually ditched someone else to chill with him lol.
My other friend went mini golfing with some people I don't know already and I don't have a car so I can't meet up with him.
My another friend also doesn't have a car so he's a no go.
Another friend is at his Aunt's.
My other friend is at a concert.
SO BASICALLY... I have nothing to do on one of the last Saturday nights of the Summer.
What a shot night.
My other friend went mini golfing with some people I don't know already and I don't have a car so I can't meet up with him.
My another friend also doesn't have a car so he's a no go.
Another friend is at his Aunt's.
My other friend is at a concert.
SO BASICALLY... I have nothing to do on one of the last Saturday nights of the Summer.
What a shot night.
The Hermit
Member
In exactly one month I am going to kill myself... Sorry Gaf 
In exactly one month I am going to kill myself... Sorry Gaf
What would convince you not to?
PM me if you want to talk - I'm not going to be all judgmental. I just want to know what's going on and if there's anything that I can do to help.
It is so hard to grow up these days for young people like you. The pressure coming from everywhere. Please try not to be too overwhelmed by it. There DEFINITELY IS A SPACE for you. Please don't be too hard on yourself. For lack of better words, I will use a, of all things, sports metaphor, you are judging yourself after the first minutes of a "game". There is plenty of time where you WILL find you calling. I am sure of it even though I don't know you.
I implore you, if you find these feelings are getting the better of you, to try to find professional help. The internet only gets you so far.
Be well, my friend
.In exactly one month I am going to kill myself... Sorry Gaf
Baiano, you have Serj as your avatar. What a great singer he is. Just imagine, you would miss his future albums. Maybe a proper SOAD get-together? I love this crazy mother...
I guess what I mean in my weak words is, please, don't be so definite about it. I am not claiming I know how you feel. Truth is, I don't. I don't even bleedin' know you. But it is so sad to hear these kind of statements from a 19 (?) year old. I just want to give you a internet hug and tell you, please don't give up. Who knows what's up tomorrow? We might need you? Hell, we need you. We do.
Yours,
Wray
In exactly one month I am going to kill myself... Sorry Gaf
Is there something going on I don't know about?
CitizenCope
Member
Wow you rock!
I noticed you said you were in school still
If you have not yet experienced the exquisite thrill of the interior of a vagina
Then this is worth the continuance of your life
Consider it a quest
like King Arthur had his grail
and even if you already have
go get a different one
Tooooooo many windows, so sorry...
TheApatheticOne
Member
I hit the midlife wall finally I feel.
Ive been separated from my wife for two years now. Im 31, 32 in October. Im living with my mom, who is a cat lady and the cats drive me nuts. I worked for a health insurance agency for the past 5 years, ending with making $14.28 an hour. Even with OT, nothing money.
So I get an opportunity to work at an automotive plant, the type of job where you HAVE to know someone on the inside with some pull just to get an opportunity to apply. Well, this place hasnt hired for 10 years. (out of all the things Im down about, this will primarily be a new job rant) So while not my dream job, Im being told $18 to start and mid to high $20's after 3 years. Im absolutely not opposed to hard work, and to go from making "job" money to "career" money, I make the leap.
Well, turns out after contract negotiations since the last time this place hired, its less "new hire friendly" than everyone thought. Most people have been there 15-30+ years, so all of us new hires were getting info from family who was ill-informed and not up to date on what new employees get to start off with.
Instead of $18-$20, everyone got $15.78.
Instead of ending up at $25-$30 after 3 years, everyone will end up at $19 something after 5, and thats the cap unless it changes.
So looking at this as a trade, I thought I was trading a job for a career, something where I could look into buying a house at some point, move out on my own. The trade I actually made was (modeled like a sports trade):
I gave up:
- Not working evenings or weekends
- Incredible schedule flexibility (no issue if I needed to come in 2 hours late, or leave early. could have the next day off as long as I asked for it the day before)
- Almost a months worth of PTO
What I got:
- Being on-call like a doctor. First 90 days, they call, I go in. Like last week, when I was off for shut-down, and then ended up working 11pm to 7 am at the last minute for the entire week.
- Work evenings, work weekends
- Work in 100+ degree conditions
- Zero schedule flexibility
For a frickin' $1.50 more. I wasnt thrilled about my old job, but if I could trade back, I would in a heartbeat. I thought I was making a move where I could actually start making money. Not crazy money, just enough to live modestly and not be terribly worried about bills. What I got is pretty much what I was making before, but the job sucks 1000s worse.
For the past 5 years Ive increasingly felt that if one thing could go my way or not, Ive hit a crazy losing streak. This job was going to be my "FINALLY!!!" moment. And its not. The level of deflation is staggering. I have no connections anywhere good, and considering getting hired into places is 95% who you know, I feel pretty fucked at this point.
Ive been separated from my wife for two years now. Im 31, 32 in October. Im living with my mom, who is a cat lady and the cats drive me nuts. I worked for a health insurance agency for the past 5 years, ending with making $14.28 an hour. Even with OT, nothing money.
So I get an opportunity to work at an automotive plant, the type of job where you HAVE to know someone on the inside with some pull just to get an opportunity to apply. Well, this place hasnt hired for 10 years. (out of all the things Im down about, this will primarily be a new job rant) So while not my dream job, Im being told $18 to start and mid to high $20's after 3 years. Im absolutely not opposed to hard work, and to go from making "job" money to "career" money, I make the leap.
Well, turns out after contract negotiations since the last time this place hired, its less "new hire friendly" than everyone thought. Most people have been there 15-30+ years, so all of us new hires were getting info from family who was ill-informed and not up to date on what new employees get to start off with.
Instead of $18-$20, everyone got $15.78.
Instead of ending up at $25-$30 after 3 years, everyone will end up at $19 something after 5, and thats the cap unless it changes.
So looking at this as a trade, I thought I was trading a job for a career, something where I could look into buying a house at some point, move out on my own. The trade I actually made was (modeled like a sports trade):
I gave up:
- Not working evenings or weekends
- Incredible schedule flexibility (no issue if I needed to come in 2 hours late, or leave early. could have the next day off as long as I asked for it the day before)
- Almost a months worth of PTO
What I got:
- Being on-call like a doctor. First 90 days, they call, I go in. Like last week, when I was off for shut-down, and then ended up working 11pm to 7 am at the last minute for the entire week.
- Work evenings, work weekends
- Work in 100+ degree conditions
- Zero schedule flexibility
For a frickin' $1.50 more. I wasnt thrilled about my old job, but if I could trade back, I would in a heartbeat. I thought I was making a move where I could actually start making money. Not crazy money, just enough to live modestly and not be terribly worried about bills. What I got is pretty much what I was making before, but the job sucks 1000s worse.
For the past 5 years Ive increasingly felt that if one thing could go my way or not, Ive hit a crazy losing streak. This job was going to be my "FINALLY!!!" moment. And its not. The level of deflation is staggering. I have no connections anywhere good, and considering getting hired into places is 95% who you know, I feel pretty fucked at this point.
RatskyWatsky
Hunky Nostradamus
I need to find a job that pays me tons of money for doing nothing.
I think Mitt Romney wrote a book...
I think I know how you feel I am stuck in a dead end job myself with no means of advancement with low pay living paycheck to paycheck. I hate it here. What burns is that a coworker got fired from here years ago and she ended up with a better position pay and a flexible schedule. Ugh. Then there is my sister who is a senior project manager for the state who thinks why can't I get a good paying job. when I think about my job and position I just end up regretting my choices in life and how college was a waste. I don't see why I just don't shoot myself in the end.
Some people are just lucky in finding a good job I guess you and I are not one of them.
I think maybe my destiny is to die. I have nothing to live for and thinking about it now I'd rather be dead and keep feeling this way.
ClassyPenguin
Banned
Patent writer for apple? Yo go about describing stuff then you hand it to the lawyer.
jubei.. i'm only going to talk directly to you this one time. this is it.
your life has been hard. you have that in common with a SHIT TON of people. me, my brother, my sister, a ton of people. i can't speak for them, but i've been in spots where i was fucked all up with depression and anxiety and didn't know what to do. didn't know where to go, didn't know if i should live. my heart and soul were destroyed. i didn't really care about my existence. certain people did. my mom, my abusive dad. i let them know that i was fucked up. various things happened after that..but that's the first step. let somebody know. just do that. somebody in your real life. not gaf.
this might not help you at all, but during those times, i always thought about my mother. she wanted the best for me. she couldn't give it. she lives with a piece of shit husband forever. i'm the product of that. i came from her. imagine your mothers feelings if you killed yourself. she made you, and you gave up on that gift. life is hard, but it is a gift. it may be confusing, it may be painful, perplexing.. but you've GOT IT, and you have to hold on to it. you can't give up.
you've been talking this nonsense for years on gaf. i don't believe that you're alone. i don't believe that help isn't available to you. just look around for a second man.. please.
there will always be people who are better off than you. people with more money, more beauty, whatever. you can't spend your time looking at them and thinking "why isn't that me?". that shit is madness. you can only look after yourself man. and if you do that, things will fall into place.
The whole I just need this one thing to go my thinking is faulty. Whether something goes your way or not doesn't matter too much, you've always got the next day to strive for something else. You got a shitty job now, well the answer is to look for a new one. How many jobs are you applying for in the average week now?
The Hermit
Member
In exactly one month I am going to kill myself... Sorry Gaf
I can't believe I've posted that!!
Sorry to worry you guys, especially Bagels and Wrayfield, I was very drunk, dumped by 2 girls and depressed all in 1 day... That post was mostly the alchool talking.
Never, EVER get drunk by yourself... It ends in tears and selfdestructive behaviour.
I am fine now
N
NinjaFridge
Unconfirmed Member
I can't believe I've posted that!!
Sorry to worry you guys, especially Bagels and Wrayfield, I was very drunk, dumped by 2 girls and depressed all in 1 day... That post was mostly the alchool talking.
Never, EVER get drunk by yourself... It ends in tears and selfdestructive behaviour.
I am fine now
Good to hear.
I can't believe I've posted that!!
Sorry to worry you guys, especially Bagels and Wrayfield, I was very drunk, dumped by 2 girls and depressed all in 1 day... That post was mostly the alchool talking.
Never, EVER get drunk by yourself... It ends in tears and selfdestructive behaviour.
I am fine now
Glad to hear it!
Dumped by two girls in one day...? Is this a Betty/Veronica thing? Is that reference really dated? It sounds like a good story, at any rate!
Obligatory advertisement for the Depression-GAF skype chat. Most people have not revealed their GAF names, so it's super-double anonymous.
Talk to RatskyWatsky to join. Thanks to him for setting it up!
Lumpy Onion
Member
I can't believe I've posted that!!
Sorry to worry you guys, especially Bagels and Wrayfield, I was very drunk, dumped by 2 girls and depressed all in 1 day... That post was mostly the alchool talking.
Never, EVER get drunk by yourself... It ends in tears and selfdestructive behaviour.
I am fine now
That's a relief. And yeah, drinking alone can do that to you sometimes. Iv'e been there before.
+1 to the club.
My biggest issue is that I don't even feel very sad anymore. I just feel this... unbearable apathy towards almost everything. I've been on medication for some time now and it's been helping a bit. I think about suicide every other day but I'm not entirely sure I'd have the balls to do it. It brings me comfort, though. Knowing I can end all of this if I want to.
My biggest issue is that I don't even feel very sad anymore. I just feel this... unbearable apathy towards almost everything. I've been on medication for some time now and it's been helping a bit. I think about suicide every other day but I'm not entirely sure I'd have the balls to do it. It brings me comfort, though. Knowing I can end all of this if I want to.
For those of you who suffer depression, how do you view suicide? I don't feel rash, nor erratic, nor do I feel like there's some sort of hyperbolic doom which only I am subjected to. It's just that when evaluating my life, thinking about my future, and the different routes my life could take, suicide seems the rational answer. I'm not afraid of death, in fact I actually look forward to it, I can't wait for my life to just end. To be finnished. This isn't a suicide post though, because I would never do it for two reasons:
1. I know my parents care about me, and I don't want them to suffer.
2. My problems are a result of my choices. I don't want people thinking my suicide could be traced to bad parenting.
I was just wondering how those with depression feel about suicide.
Yeah, it's a nice feeling. It's nice having the power to end things when you just feel so powerless.
1. I know my parents care about me, and I don't want them to suffer.
2. My problems are a result of my choices. I don't want people thinking my suicide could be traced to bad parenting.
I was just wondering how those with depression feel about suicide.
Yeah, it's a nice feeling. It's nice having the power to end things when you just feel so powerless.
My life isn't a gift it's a curse. If it was a gift i would give it back. I would be grateful if I died in my sleep tonight. Unfortunately I will wake up and start another shitty day all over again. One day I am just going to jump infront of a train. I'm tired of this life and of these feelings I have. I wish I can numb my thoughts and feelings but I cannot. Thinking about stuff in my life makes me want to shoot myself in the head more than likely I'll probably over dose on something or stab myself. I'm a broken person and cannot be fixed. I never wanted this life or feelings. It's hard to want to be with someone only to be so horrible looking that no one wants you. I'm going to die soon. I know it.
There is no future least not for me. I could hope for a better tomorrow but I know it won't come. Didn't come when I hoped for it 5 years ago. I hate my family so I don't care how they feel. If I write a suicide note or will it will be how much I hate them and it would be a never ending hate.
I wonder how awesome it would be to stop feeling and thinking. Not to worry about tomorrow or loneliness. Some said here I am not ready for a relationship and probably never will so why not just kill myself now than have any hope in my heart. If I could cut it out with a knife I would. Better to end it all than to hope for nothing.
My birthday is next month. If I had a wish i would rather not live to see it.
I hate the futility of the system. And everyone gets roped into it some point. The system where you get a job, get stuck in, but can't leave because you have to have a job to live. So people just get stuck in this stasis of shitty supervisors who are stuck in the same system, but just a step above. Then, before you know it, you're middle aged, balding, getting fat, and now you're so deep in you can't get out even if you try.
Except now, you get sucked in even sooner and there is nothing you can do about it. You can't tune in and drop out. If you do, you're going to be out on the streets. Your life will amount to nothing. And even within the system, the odds of your life being one that amounts to anything is astronomical.
What if you have no aspirations? Not everyone can put up with all the bullshit. You can't even live off the grid, at least not in America. There was a guy near me who owned his own land and decided he would live in a camper with no water or electricity on his property at all. On his own land. And he was fined, refused to pay the fines because he felt he had the right to do with his land what he wanted, and then ended up being arrested. Because he didn't want to be a part of the system anymore. He wasn't building bombs, he wasn't going to militia meetings, he wasn't growing or selling drugs. He just wanted to live on his little plot of land the way he wanted. And he ended up in jail for it. He didn't want to deal with the bullshit that everyone deals with, but won't acknowledge, with work. That made him a criminal in the eyes of the system.
I'm half the age of that guy and I can't drop out of the system. All I want out of life is to be left alone by everyone and everything. But it is impossible and I can't be happy being chained to a system that I had no choice in entering or leaving. Everything feels empty and pointless. And I think everyone knows this somewhere in the back of their heads, even if they won't confront it.
Except now, you get sucked in even sooner and there is nothing you can do about it. You can't tune in and drop out. If you do, you're going to be out on the streets. Your life will amount to nothing. And even within the system, the odds of your life being one that amounts to anything is astronomical.
What if you have no aspirations? Not everyone can put up with all the bullshit. You can't even live off the grid, at least not in America. There was a guy near me who owned his own land and decided he would live in a camper with no water or electricity on his property at all. On his own land. And he was fined, refused to pay the fines because he felt he had the right to do with his land what he wanted, and then ended up being arrested. Because he didn't want to be a part of the system anymore. He wasn't building bombs, he wasn't going to militia meetings, he wasn't growing or selling drugs. He just wanted to live on his little plot of land the way he wanted. And he ended up in jail for it. He didn't want to deal with the bullshit that everyone deals with, but won't acknowledge, with work. That made him a criminal in the eyes of the system.
I'm half the age of that guy and I can't drop out of the system. All I want out of life is to be left alone by everyone and everything. But it is impossible and I can't be happy being chained to a system that I had no choice in entering or leaving. Everything feels empty and pointless. And I think everyone knows this somewhere in the back of their heads, even if they won't confront it.
The system is a means to an end. It will only gobble you up if you you let it. Find what you enjoy in life and do it. But find things that fulfill YOU, and never look to anyone but yourself to get there. Ask others for help, but never rely. You will only end up disappointing yourself eventually, no matter how amazing they are.
Start a new sport, take photos, cook or bake, make art (music, movies, paintings), read. None of these things are particularly expensive and if you have time to post here, you have time to do one of them. And any of them would be fulfilling.
Never be passive. Always be active. Live for yourself (unless you have kids). Do all that and you will be happy.
Neojubei, stop. How's moving out going?
Start a new sport, take photos, cook or bake, make art (music, movies, paintings), read. None of these things are particularly expensive and if you have time to post here, you have time to do one of them. And any of them would be fulfilling.
Never be passive. Always be active. Live for yourself (unless you have kids). Do all that and you will be happy.
Neojubei, stop. How's moving out going?
the skype chat wasnt very friendly.
Visualante2
Member
Strobogo you're jumping to a lot of conclusions. Just because you have a dayjob doesn't mean that you have to be fat and balding. There are plenty of opportunities in life to eat healthily and exercise. I will agree some jobs are more stressful, some have even been shown to increase risk of heart failure (shift work) but they're not A->B consequences at all.
You mention lack of aspirations, but in this example it seems like the aspiration is to live a healthy life? That story is disappointing but there may be more to it than just "the system didn't want him off the grid". If you research it perhaps that kind of lifestyle is achievable. Perhaps you could even turn it into a job? I've known people who work as grounds keepers for National Parks in the middle of nowhere, they have a good paying outdoor job, have a shack to themselves for 6 months at a time with satellite internet and it's quite close to being off the grid.
There's nothing wrong with wanting something different from life at all. But try not to look at things with such a deterministic point of view.
You mention lack of aspirations, but in this example it seems like the aspiration is to live a healthy life? That story is disappointing but there may be more to it than just "the system didn't want him off the grid". If you research it perhaps that kind of lifestyle is achievable. Perhaps you could even turn it into a job? I've known people who work as grounds keepers for National Parks in the middle of nowhere, they have a good paying outdoor job, have a shack to themselves for 6 months at a time with satellite internet and it's quite close to being off the grid.
There's nothing wrong with wanting something different from life at all. But try not to look at things with such a deterministic point of view.
I have a lot of hobbies. Including making music. But they don't fill the void that the system creates. Even when I try to parlay them into what I do with in it. It just saps the enjoyment right out of them for me. There isn't the "perfect" job for everyone. I think there are a lot of people that no job is good for them, but the only option is to be stuck in them or else you're totally fucked. Life for these people is terrible because they don't fit into the spot they are forced into. And they're never going to. You only get out of it when you die.
No, my issue has nothing to do with healthy lifestyle. Getting fat and bald was just an example of being stuck in something for so long that your body is breaking down before you even realize you're stuck. You wake up one day and your life is half over and you can't fight it.
half a moon
Banned
Really? Been trying to make a new account to join but the creation page isn't loading.
RatskyWatsky
Hunky Nostradamus
I'm not sure why that's the case. The same rules and etiquette that apply to posting on GAF should also apply to the chat.
Exactly. If someone is being an ass, let someone like RatsyWatsky know. There are certainly people in there who want to help. Don't let a few people spoil it for you.
Surface of Me
I'm not an NPC. And neither are we.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=qZxRpO-GLRk&feature=youtu.be
It was probably me that scared you away, I'm sorry. =( The things I type sound more harsh than I intend them to be.
spacerumsfield
Banned
Just watch the film Antichrist and the depression will wane. It's a heartwarming film that ought to aid you in your mental recovery!
Don't listen to this guy, he's not funny. Watch Amelie.
You're a cruel person.
- Status