Depression

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I might take up smoking again. I quit 9 months ago and the entire time I've never had the urge to smoke, but somehow I think it could make me feel just a little better than I do now. It was something that kept me occupied in lonely times, something I could always rely on no matter what. Whenever I felt blue there was no one to cheer me up, but my cigarette was always there.

It's a really tough decision because I got entirely rid of my addiction. I really have no urge for nicotine right now. If I did I couldn't have quit for 9 months with all the shit that's been going on in my life. I'm just looking for something. It would be pot or benzos/barbiturates if I had the social skills to acquire some, but I don't.
 
Wilsongt said:
Just noticed I have bruises on my chest... Nice...
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Are you OK right now?

GasProblem said:
Studies are getting me down. Started a criminal law master last year, but quit because I couldn't focus because of my coming out. Started again in september, but I think I'm coming to the conclusion that criminal law just isn't my thing. It's not the path I want to take with my life. Too depressing and morally difficult. I think the emphasis on dispute resolution in civil law suits me more and in the end will be the better decision.

I can't quit again though. Such a waste of money and time, I'd be dissapointed in myself and my parents will be pissed as well. I want to try to finish this master then start a civil law master next september. Studying isn't going well though. Have an exam on tuesday, and still so much to read, but everytime I read something my eyes just glaze over. Can't store anything I read. It's like there's a fog in my brain. It's a retry though, so if I don't pass this exam I have to do it again next year if I want to pass my criminal law master. And I do. But I feel unmotivated, bored, annoyed. What I want and how I feel clash and it's bugging me.

Isn't really going that well besides my study either. Can't find a job on the sides. My self-esteem is pretty low wich makes me unable to get to a spot where I feel comfortable in the 'gay world'. Annoying small medical problems as well wich I'm a bit ashamed of that aren't doing my self-esteem any good. Really want to move out of my parents house, share a house with a couple of people, stand on my own two feet. Need money for that though.

Having someone who gives you a hug, a kiss and tells you it's all going to be fine would go such a long way. Or just someone to talk to when you feel shit instead of having those conversations with yourself. I do have friends, well, yeah. Met them in a coming out group. But they all have groups of friends they've known longer then me. It's stupid, but I feel like they're their A-friends, and I'm a B-friend. And never had a real personal conversation with any of them, besides telling my coming out story. So suddenly talking about my feelings with them would be weird.

What I want is to go away for a couple of days, collect my thoughts and have a really long, personal conversation with someone, then tackle everything one by one.

And this thread is getting me down as well. :( . We need a puppy + kittens + happy music thread.
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Pardon my ignorance, but even if you do decide to go through with the law degree, isn't that flexible enough to find other careers?

I do feel your pain on the studying part least to say. When I was studying for my finals a few weeks ago, nothing would retain in my head and my eyes also glazed over and just went blank. I do recommended at least not straining yourself out if you're not already doing so. Also I might add to find some sort of "white noise" to prevent distractions and focus your attention on the studying at hand (such as nature tracks).

I know it's not the same thing as having a friend face to face, but I don't mind talking to you or anyone on this thread if need be. You are free to PM if you want to by all means.
 
D-Pad said:
Only my parents who assure me that they are proud of me, don't worry, you're doing fine etc., every time. They haven't been in my shoes though. I don't bring it up anymore, and tell them I'm fine every time they ask, because I don't feel like getting into it, and I don't want to bring it up now because I don't want to ruin their holiday spirit.

Last night I looked for a professional around me but I don't know how much they can cost yet.
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Don't bottle things up, it could only make it worse. And I am pretty sure there are resources on campus that are free or nearly so? Could someone more knowing about the process help me out?

Lich_King said:
The last hope left in my life is not waking up next morning. I don't have anything to look forward to. Every week is just job (which I've been going to for 2 months and still hasn't gotten paid even once yet), but what do I look forward to during the week? Horrible weekends which I will spend alone? Then during the weekend I look forward to going to job, where everyone just told me they initially thought I was the shooter in CT, because I'm "sad and quiet". I don't know what to do anymore.
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What an awful thing to say :( I am sorry that happened to you.

Oomikami said:
I give up. Just going to let myself blow away slowly in the wind.
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No you aren't allowed.

Oomikami said:
Also isn't there a depression GAF chat now? (Assuming today's saturday instead of sunday like I last thought.)
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I'll be in there when dinner/bedtime is over!

Wilsongt said:
Just noticed I have bruises on my chest... Nice...
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:(
 
so this pretty girl is ok with me being depressed, is into the same things I am, and we are going out.

unfortunately I still feel totally dead and it would probably be wise to let her go and just fade back into the background
 
Uchip said:
so this pretty girl is ok with me being depressed, is into the same things I am, and we are going out.

unfortunately I still feel totally dead and it would probably be wise to let her go and just fade back into the background
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You need to decide on something that you can develop a passion over with her. I know it sounds strange, but try to give off enthusiasm even if it feels fake. You probably just need to make positive behavior a norm in your life again. Covering up your emotions is not good, but I'm talking about over-coming the slump.

Probably should make use of every opportunity to make that relation blossom into something better. I struggle with taking interest in things, but Its much easier if you can share interest with people.
 
Oomikami said:
Are you OK right now?



Pardon my ignorance, but even if you do decide to go through with the law degree, isn't that flexible enough to find other careers?

I do feel your pain on the studying part least to say. When I was studying for my finals a few weeks ago, nothing would retain in my head and my eyes also glazed over and just went blank. I do recommended at least not straining yourself out if you're not already doing so. Also I might add to find some sort of "white noise" to prevent distractions and focus your attention on the studying at hand (such as nature tracks).

I know it's not the same thing as having a friend face to face, but I don't mind talking to you or anyone on this thread if need be. You are free to PM if you want to by all means.
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I'm okay... Just in pain as always...
 
injurai said:
You need to decide on something that you can develop a passion over with her. I know it sounds strange, but try to give off enthusiasm even if it feels fake. You probably just need to make positive behavior a norm in your life again. Covering up your emotions is not good, but I'm talking about over-coming the slump.

Probably should make use of every opportunity to make that relation blossom into something better. I struggle with taking interest in things, but Its much easier if you can share interest with people.
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I used to have a crush on her which makes this harder
I just dont feel anything, and cant

my reaction to news stories about kids being shot: dont care
my reaction to the girl I liked finally noticing me: oh, ok
my reaction to family members and friends dying: dont care

is there really any reason to continue? im just a dangerous, empty person beyond any kind of help
 
RatskyWatsky said:
fuuuuu

I thought today was Friday! Ugh I'm the worst chat setter upper ever. >:(
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You're not the only one. I was getting on so bad mood i decided it had to be Friday, as i seem to be having my emotional lows on Friday nights (a bad habit, i'm awake 4AM... usually on Friday nights, ATM as well).

Funny. I could make a chart of emotional state (as i feel it), the bottom would be Friday night, the high would be probably either Saturday or Sunday day. Monday's pretty bad, mid-week is usually pretty good.
 
Uchip said:
I used to have a crush on her which makes this harder
I just dont feel anything, and cant

my reaction to news stories about kids being shot: dont care
my reaction to the girl I liked finally noticing me: oh, ok
my reaction to family members and friends dying: dont care

is there really any reason to continue? im just a dangerous, empty person beyond any kind of help
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I've struggled with with depression and motivation myself. And I am nowhere out of it, in fact I believe I will be getting into the worst part of it over the next couple years.

Your depression like most others is probably habitual in nature and you are going to have to break it somewhere. I don't want to make too many assumptions about you, but would you be willing to create a plan for yourself that overcome your current slump?
 
injurai said:
I've struggled with with depression and motivation myself. And I am nowhere out of it, in fact I believe I will be getting into the worst part of it over the next couple years.

Your depression like most others is probably habitual in nature and you are going to have to break it somewhere. I don't want to make too many assumptions about you, but would you be willing to create a plan for yourself that overcome your current slump?
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nope
ive been through years of attempting to fix it
 
Uchip said:
maybe
just dont see any plans being things i havent tried
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I'll speak for myself when I say this. But for me, its always the instant gratifications that I indulge in that bring on my spouts of depression.

It's so easy for me to relax and feel comfortable by going online and ignoring the rest of the world for a bit. But then it comes back to bite me.

Putting myself through forced boredom forces me to fill my time with productive things, or do actually be creative in my lifes pursuits. I find myself getting interested in things that curb that boredom, when I otherwise wouldn't have. I would seriously recommend forcing yourself to be extremely bored and resist turning towards any sort of game, forum, movie, book, etc. that could be an easy stimulus for your brain.
 
Corky said:
How do you guys cope with the fact that it can very realistically go worse? "It" as in your life/situation, and by go "worse" I mean stuff like getting cancer for example. The mere thought scares the shit out of me, I'm straddling a thin line with my life and I'm for the most part physically healthy. If I would be diagnosed with something terrible I'd probably just lay down and die considering the total lack of will and power to fight anything like that.
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I just don't think about it. I worry a lot about my family, but when it comes to me, I just don't care.

If I had a choice in the matter, I'd take cancer over one of my family members getting it. At least you care about your well-being.

Uchip said:
so this pretty girl is ok with me being depressed, is into the same things I am, and we are going out.

unfortunately I still feel totally dead and it would probably be wise to let her go and just fade back into the background
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Force yourself to give it a shot. Humor yourself. If you feel something, great, if not, you're right back where you were.
 
Well, as long as everyone's annoying everyone~! (Also, I don't mind if I annoy people.. NOT ANYMORE!)
D'aaaw... we're so nice.

Hey, chat's back~! Yaaaay~
 
This is going to sound really strange, but for the past year or so I feel depressed when I smoke pot. Now i've smoked for years without feeling like this. But now almost every time I smoke I start feeling extremely self conscious and I can't stop thinking how much I suck. I feel like I have absolutely no self worth as a person. I still have good times smoking with my friends and such but these feelings can be triggered at a moments notice, and it's usually caused by something minor. And then it snowballs. Does anyone have an idea as to why this is happening?
 
ShaneDude said:
This is going to sound really strange, but for the past year or so I feel depressed when I smoke pot. Now i've smoked for years without feeling like this. But now almost every time I smoke I start feeling extremely self conscious and I can't stop thinking how much I suck. I feel like I have absolutely no self worth as a person. I still have good times smoking with my friends and such but these feelings can be triggered at a moments notice, and it's usually caused by something minor. And then it snowballs. Does anyone have an idea as to why this is happening?
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i smoked pot daily for a very long time, then one day it made me start feeling shitty and anxious.. it's pretty common. best bet: stop smoking.
 
injurai said:
Putting myself through forced boredom forces me to fill my time with productive things, or do actually be creative in my lifes pursuits. I find myself getting interested in things that curb that boredom, when I otherwise wouldn't have. I would seriously recommend forcing yourself to be extremely bored and resist turning towards any sort of game, forum, movie, book, etc. that could be an easy stimulus for your brain.
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Honestly though, what the heck is there to do other than consuming some sort of media? Every time I try to wean myself away from the internet I run out of activities and always fall back to watching a TV show, or reading another forum because I blocked NeoGAF.

It's 8pm on a Sunday night, and that's my predicament. God knows what normal people are doing.
 
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