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[Keri]

Are you intelligent enough not to hit a 6'1 210lb man over the head repeatedly with a telephone? I'd never lay my hands on any human being without being physically attacked first. The thought not only angers and sickens me, but it pisses me off that I know that the way you see me, is how so many others do and that if this expungement doesn't go through I'll never get past this.

Eh....the fact that you are 6'1" and 210 lbs. doesn't really make your situation better. It makes you sound scarier and suggests, to me, that you probably really hurt your ex-girlfriend. The fact that you haven't done anything else for 7 years, helps. But, yes, there are a lot of people who are still going to find you scary and risky.

Personally, though, I do hope you find employment somewhere. I'm just saying I understand the hesitation. Ideally, you'll find somewhere that wants and feels comfortable with you.

 

[Telephoto999]

I need to see you acknowledge the fact that responding to violence with violence is a far cry different from simply initiating the violence himself.

She hit him, he responded in kind. There's nothing "scary" about that except for the absurd idea that women should get special treatment when they get physical with someone.

I wish I had more restraint in this situation. It was a combination of the fact it wasn't the first time she had done this, coupled with the deception and lying that she had been seeing someone else, and on top of that she was kicking me out of her apartment in the middle of the night because this guy was coming over. It was a cocktail of bad brew and it exploded for us both that night. I got in trouble, she didn't. She went on to have a great life, is now married with a great high ranking job, I'm where you see me now. I hate that the details of what happened have become the focus, instead of the fact it's not just about me... there's hundreds of thousands just like me all over this country in the same situation that are either stuck in a low end dead job or can't find work at all doing anything they enjoy or aspire to do.

 

[Shao Kahn on the Lawn]

It really shouldn't be about the details. I'm just getting sick of seeing you characterized as "scary" for having the audacity to defend yourself from assault and battery.

I guess that makes me a big, scary guy too.

 

[empty vessel]

It's also reasonable to assume that you don't know the backgrounds of everyone you have ever worked with unless you are the actual HR manager. You may have worked with people far more dangerous and scarier than the op in the past and been completely oblivious, especially if they're someone who did have the chance to clean their records or were never caught.

Domestic violence being as common as it is, i would assume she's worked with many men who have hit women. Some were probably even her bosses. Which is not to dismiss concerns about working with violent men, just that having a special fear of the OP in particular is probably unwarranted.

 

[Piecake]

I wish I had more restraint in this situation. It was a combination of the fact it wasn't the first time she had done this, coupled with the deception and lying that she had been seeing someone else, and on top of that she was kicking me out of her apartment in the middle of the night because this guy was coming over. It was a cocktail of bad brew and it exploded for us both that night. I got in trouble, she didn't. She went on to have a great life, is now married with a great high ranking job, I'm where you see me now. I hate that the details of what happened have become the focus, instead of the fact it's not just about me... there's hundreds of thousands just like me all over this country in the same situation that are either stuck in a low end dead job or can't find work at all doing anything they enjoy or aspire to do.

Youre big and scary though so go away and live in poverty so that I doubt feel frightened.

 

[Sorian]

Eh....the fact that you are 6'1" and 210 lbs. doesn't really make your situation better. It makes you sound scarier and suggests, to me, that you probably really hurt your ex-girlfriend. The fact that you haven't done anything else for 7 years, helps. But, yes, there are a lot of people who are still going to find you scary and risky.

Personally, though, I do hope you find employment somewhere. I'm just saying I understand the hesitation. Ideally, you'll find somewhere that wants and feels comfortable with you.

And this here is just straight up illegal but its not like anyone can ever prove that was why they werent hired.

 

[Carnby]

This shit does not matter in the least.

Ignorance never settles a question.

 

[Telephoto999]

Domestic violence being as common as it is, i would assume she's worked with many men who have hit women. Some were probably even her bosses. Which is not to dismiss concerns about working with violent men, just that having a special fear of the OP in particular is probably unwarranted.

Sadly it's very common. I've been around so many situations of what I consider "real" domestic violence. A few years back when I was working with my dads construction company finishing a basement literally at 6 o clock every night this womans husband would come home and start yelling demands, kicking doors and threatening her the moment he came home. Twice she pulled us off the job to help her patch holes in the wall this man had left. This went on for 2-3 weeks of us working there and although he never got physical with her, we all knew it was something common in the home. This person was a high ranking partner attorney with a big law firm in Atlanta.

 

[Sorian]

Ignorance never settles a question.

Neither does digging up the past when its all been settled. Get out of here with that nonsense.

 

[Keri]

Domestic violence being as common as it is, i would assume she's worked with many men who have hit women. Some were probably even her bosses. Which is not to dismiss concerns about working with violent men, just that having a special fear of the OP in particular is probably unwarranted.

I appreciate that you made an effort in your post, not to dismiss concerns about working with violent men, but your post is otherwise pretty depressing: Domestic violence is super common, so really, women are always surrounded by potentially dangerous and violent men!

...yay?!?

 

[Sorian]

I appreciate that you made an effort in your post, not to dismiss concerns about working with violent men, but your post is otherwise pretty depressing: Domestic violence is super common, so really, women are always surrounded by potentially dangerous and violent men!

...yay?!?

It's the world we live in, closing off opportunities for no reason is partly to blame for it though. The average person in OP's shoes probably would have turned to crime, for real this time, because of all of these door's being closed for no reason other than ignorance.

Also, insert that statistic here about how many times you will walk by a serial killer during your lifetime.

 

[Telephoto999]

I appreciate that you made an effort in your post, not to dismiss concerns about working with violent men, but your post is otherwise pretty depressing: Domestic violence is super common, so really, women are always surrounded by potentially dangerous and violent men!

...yay?!?

I just can't understand your logic at all. How do you think a private instance between lovers behind closed doors would ever have any possibility of playing out between us if we were coworkers? Because I retaliated against her I'd be more willing to randomly swing at you on the job? That just doesn't compute with me.

 

[Piecake]

I appreciate that you made an effort in your post, not to dismiss concerns about working with violent men, but your post is otherwise pretty depressing: Domestic violence is super common, so really, women are always surrounded by potentially dangerous and violent men!

...yay?!?

Another conclusion that you can reach is that you shouldn't be afraid because you do not have a deep personal relationship with co-workers and basically all violent crime happens between disagreements over feelings or money.

No one is going to hit you over the head at work because they just felt like it. I still find it mind-boggling that you still have yet to mention that his GF was the one who started it and beat him with a phone. Talk about a double standard.

 

[Sorian]

Another conclusion that you can reach is that you shouldn't be afraid because you do not have a deep personal relationship with co-workers and basically all violent crime happens between disagreements over feelings or money.

No one is going to hit you over the head at work because they just felt like it. I still find it mind-boggling that you still have yet to mention that his GF was the one who started it and beat him with a phone. Talk about a double standard.

I hate to assume, so I won't on this person in particular, just point out a general sentiment among people. TV and movies, especially your CSI type drall puts more emphasis on the random crime as opposed to the ones involving feelings or money (the majority), they've become better lately from what I've noticed but the sentiment has still creeped in to the general populace and I feel like that is partly to blame for people actually thinking someone is just going to randomly knock them out at work when the odds are so low.

 

[Surface of Me]

I was worried my drug offense would do this to me, but it was deferred, haven't expunged it though. I've been hired since then though. Still can't join the Armed Forces, although that might be for the better. Dunno about firearms.

 

[Jenov]

Are you intelligent enough not to hit a 6'1 210lb man over the head repeatedly with a telephone? I'd never lay my hands on any human being without being physically attacked first. The thought not only angers and sickens me, but it pisses me off that I know that the way you see me, is how so many others do and that if this expungement doesn't go through I'll never get past this. For reference, I've had multiple long term relationships since then, all who were very aware of my past and not only loved and accepted me for it but tried helping me through what I am going through now. Not any of them ever felt in any danger nor fear because that's not the person that I am.

Just curious, but did your ex suffer any serious injuries? Black eyes, cuts? Did she have to go to a doctor? Just odd that the DA would press charges without documented injury to the woman.

 

[Saganator]

I feel for you OP. I was stupid when I was 20 and in college and got a DUI. Was doing really well, on a path to a CS degree. Everything changed after that one dumb night. After losing my license, had to move back home and continue school while living there. That was going well and then shit hits the fan, my parent's lose their house and move to a tiny apartment, so I'm forced to find my own place and get a job to pay for it. Took a "break" from school... and 10 years later I'm still with out a degree. I'm just now getting to a point in life where I can realistically go back part time and finish, but now that I'm 30, I question whether or not its too late for my CS degree. I'll be like 34-35 by the time I finish.

My situation is not as bleak as yours OP, but I definitely understand how one dumb decision can totally throw your life down another path. Just gotta keep truckin man. Might be time to consider getting out of the IT biz, too.

 

[soul creator]

Perfect summation of the American permanent underclass system.

The OP's story is the new Jim Crow working as designed. (I mean, I guess he might be white, but the design includes some lossage.)

I just wanted to reply to this (and agree), because it's a perfect example of how systems of racial/class/gender/etc. discrimination also can end up hurting even people who aren't part of the discriminated against group

 

[fritolay]

Things like this really are crazy. If you every go through the state of OK, don't piss in the woods.

 

[Keri]

I just can't understand your logic at all. How do you think a private instance between lovers behind closed doors would ever have any possibility of playing out between us if we were coworkers? Because I retaliated against her I'd be more willing to randomly swing at you on the job? That just doesn't compute with me.

You retaliated because you were angry. You are 6'1" and 210 lbs. and this past incident indicates that you might react physically if you're really upset. That makes you sound scary and possibly dangerous. You will get angry at work. You will work with people that will frustrate you and who might be as childish and terrible as your ex-girlfriend. They won't make you angry in the same ways, but they will make you angry.

Listen, think of that man you were describing above. Would you understand if someone didn't want to work with him? Well, no one knows what the difference is between you and him. They're seeing the same kind of conviction. If you want genuine advice, if you can't get your conviction expunged, then I would recommend bringing it up during the interview and explaining: (1) that it was a minor incident (if it was?); and (2) you regret it and have learned from it. People just want to know that you're different from that guy you described before.

It's the world we live in, closing off opportunities for no reason is partly to blame for it though. The average person in OP's shoes probably would have turned to crime, for real this time, because of all of these door's being closed for no reason other than ignorance.

You realize that within this post you've equated a woman's fear for her safety with "no reason" and, also, suggested that hitting a woman is a non-real crime? You...are not the best at wording things.

 

[Sorian]

Just curious, but did your ex suffer any serious injuries? Black eyes, cuts? Did she have to go to a doctor? Just odd that the DA would press charges without documented injury to the woman.

If the quote from OP's lawyer was true then it doesn't surprise me in the least. Someone with a superiority complex in a position in Georgia? Unheard of! .....

Edit: I really shouldn't call out Georgia specifically there, that problem plagues most law enforcement and political seats in the US.

You realize that within this post you've equated a woman's fear for her safety with "no reason" and, also, suggested that hitting a woman is a non-real crime? You...are not the best at wording things.

Something that any person capable of higher thinking would classify as self-defense? Yes, that is a non-real crime. I worded it that way on purpose.

 

[Keri]

Something that any person capable of higher thinking would classify as self-defense? Yes, that is a non-real crime. I worded it that way on purpose.

How can you be so sure, when you don't even know the details? It sounds like those details you said don't matter at all, would be pretty relevant to determining whether the OP acted reasonably in self-defense. Didn't the OP admit earlier that the reason the D.A. charged him, was because the D.A. found his response to be excessive and beyond what was necessary for self-defense.

 

[Sorian]

How can you be so sure, when you don't even know the details? It sounds like those details you said don't matter at all, would be pretty relevant to determining whether the OP acted reasonably in self-defense. Didn't the OP admit earlier that the reason the D.A. charged him, was because the D.A. found his response to be excessive and beyond what was necessary for self-defense.

She hit him with a tool, he hit her with fist/open hand. The fist/open hand is less force than using a blunt object and the OP has already said that the reasoning was because he was male and she was female. It's still self-defense but since the DA probably has a personal vendetta on shit like this, he can just claim what he'd like and I'm not going to start to pretend that the south is the shining land of the just.

Overall, no I can't be sure because we just have OP's side of events but he isn't going to switch it up just because you felt like asking again and, as I said, this doesn't matter in the least, because the real problem here is people are not getting jobs for bullshit excuses.

Edit: And seriously, in regards to the post below, drop the act Keri. You are, blatently, refusing to acknowledge that he was hit first and that person faced no reprecussions.

 

[cdkee]

How can you be so sure, when you don't even know the details? It sounds like those details you said don't matter at all, would be pretty relevant to determining whether the OP acted reasonably in self-defense. Didn't the OP admit earlier that the reason the D.A. charged him, was because the D.A. found his response to be excessive and beyond what was necessary for self-defense.

You're still completely missing the point that his ex hit him over the head with a telephone and got off with no charges. How is that fair?

 

[Northeastmonk]

Why not send the governor your post? Have a state spokesperson send the judge a letter. Maybe he knows them. It's always good to contact your state senator and/or governor. I'm pretty sure someone knows someone down there.

Plus there are phone numbers, e-mail addresses, and campaign websites you can use/visit.

 

[Fantasmo]

Sorry to hear about your situation Thacker. I also know what one mistake can lead to (me, DUI) and its not cool or fair, especially when you know in your heart that it was one overwhelming situation that got the best of you, that you're not that kind of person otherwise, and you'd never do it again.

People in general tend to be very condemning, they're loving to see you suffer for the rest of your life. Keep reminding yourself the people responding to you that way are in a way ill themselves. You paid your dues, you wouldn't do it again, yet they poke and prod and really really really really want to see you fall again forever and yet act like they aren't part of your problem. Ignore those people entirely and keep trying.

Good luck!

 

[HalfBakedProphet]

I wish I had more restraint in this situation. It was a combination of the fact it wasn't the first time she had done this, coupled with the deception and lying that she had been seeing someone else, and on top of that she was kicking me out of her apartment in the middle of the night because this guy was coming over.

so you were still involved with someone who had physically abused you in the past? That's all on you, man. Then you refused to leave her premises when she asked you too. Followed up by your retaliation (I saw your post earlier today before the edit, I'd argue it was excessive).

You absolutely deserve to make a living and have career, I hope you can land a job. That said, I think you made several bad choices to land you in your situation which is important for you to realize.

 

[ConradCervantes]

You're still completely missing the point that his ex hit him over the head with a telephone and got off with no charges. How is that fair?

She was a poor widdle girl, he is a big buff manbeast who's apparently a ticking time bomb if anyone at any future job pisses him off.

 

[Sorian]

so you were still involved with someone who had physically abused you in the past? That's all on you, man. Then you refused to leave her premises when she asked you too. Followed up by your retaliation (I saw your post earlier today before the edit, I'd argue it was excessive).

You absolutely deserve to make a living and have career, I hope you can land a job. That said, I think you made several bad choices to land you in your situation which is important for you to realize.

Holy fuck, I'm assuming the rape victim deserved it to because of what theywere wearing right? Someone couldn't leave an abusive relationship and they were at fault?

 

[HalfBakedProphet]

Holy fuck, I'm assuming the rape victim deserved it to because of what theywere wearing right? Someone couldn't leave an abusive relationship and they were at fault?

wow. He said they weren't together anymore, but still choose to stay at her place. To compare him to a battered wife or rape victim is insane.

 

[Telephoto999]

so you were still involved with someone who had physically abused you in the past? That's all on you, man. Then you refused to leave her premises when she asked you too. Followed up by your retaliation (I saw your post earlier today before the edit, I'd argue it was excessive).

You absolutely deserve to make a living and have career, I hope you can land a job. That said, I think you made several bad choices to land you in your situation which is important for you to realize.

Low self esteem coupled with it being the first girl I ever really loved and felt it in return. I was overweight, didn't think I deserved better and was willing to settle and stay with whatever I could get. It was a much sadder time in my life compared to even now. I fucked up. I fucked up bad. I had no idea it would have this kind of effect on my life.

Ironically, it's having an effect on not only my professional life but also my personal life. I've had healthy relationships since that one, but finding a good girl to date and form a life with at 27 when you are totally unemployable is also very hard as every year that goes by the pool of women who are looking want stability and a future. Neither I can offer to anyone at the moment.

 

[Sorian]

wow. He said they weren't together anymore, but still choose to stay at her place. To compare him to a battered wife or rape victim is insane.

Correct me if I'm wrong, because I can only see what it says now, not past edits. This was a guy that was woken up in the middle of the night to news that he was being cheaten on and that he had to leave at that moment. It's comparing apples to oranges but I think thats a pretty big issue.

 

[Telephoto999]

Also, to everyone in this thread thank you so much for your support. Whether you agree, disagree, feel compassion or think I deserve everything I've gotten it's helped so much to vent and open this back up. I've had this bottled up for years but talking and sharing it today has actually made my day brighter.

Thank you.

 

[I'm an expert]

Low self esteem coupled with it being the first girl I ever really loved and felt it in return. I was overweight, didn't think I deserved better and was willing to settle and stay with whatever I could get. It was a much sadder time in my life compared to even now. I fucked up. I fucked up bad. I had no idea it would have this kind of effect on my life.

Ironically, it's having an effect on not only my professional life but also my personal life. I've had healthy relationships since that one, but finding a good girl to date and form a life with at 27 when you are totally unemployable is also very hard as every year that goes by the pool of women who are looking want stability and a future. Neither I can offer to anyone at the moment.

To be fair though, it seems you were a bit stubborn with the situation. You might have wanted to try a different career path or location much earlier than 7 years later.

 

[Telephoto999]

Correct me if I'm wrong, because I can only see what it says now, not past edits. This was a guy that was woken up in the middle of the night to news that he was being cheaten on and that he had to leave at that moment. It's comparing apples to oranges but I think thats a pretty big issue.

I don't consider it cheating as we had formally split up, but I was under the assumption I was still the only man in her life.. yes.

 

[Keri]

You're still completely missing the point that his ex hit him over the head with a telephone and got off with no charges. How is that fair?

I haven't missed that point. I asked for more details earlier, to try to figure this out. If the girlfriend was more significantly injured, then it makes more sense that the OP was charged when she wasn't.

 

[HalfBakedProphet]

Low self esteem coupled with it being the first girl I ever really loved and felt it in return. I was overweight, didn't think I deserved better and was willing to settle and stay with whatever I could get. It was a much sadder time in my life compared to even now. I fucked up. I fucked up bad. I had no idea it would have this kind of effect on my life.

Ironically, it's having an effect on not only my professional life but also my personal life. I've had healthy relationships since that one, but finding a good girl to date and form a life with at 27 when you are totally unemployable is also very hard as every year that goes by the pool of women who are looking want stability and a future. Neither I can offer to anyone at the moment.

I was just pointing out how its important to see how your actions affected the situation too, which you have. like I said, you absolutely deserve to have a career. Best of luck, man.

 

[Telephoto999]

To be fair though, it seems you were a bit stubborn with the situation. You might have wanted to try a different career path or location much earlier than 7 years later.

Sorry, but changing states is not going to help. This appears on national background checks because Georgia does not seal these records compared to 90% of the other states in the country.

I don't understand how changing careers is going to help, as my crime wasn't related in anyway shape or form to the career I had or was going to have. The same problem will still be there.

 

[Sorian]

I don't consider it cheating as we had formally split up, but I was under the assumption I was still the only man in her life.. yes.

Mk, so not as bad then at all but still completely wrong to say that it's on you for sticking around someone that abused you, that shit goes deep into the mind and you can't put that back onto someone when they can't figure out what to do otherwise. Still big victim blaming in my book.

 

[Keysersoze]

I wish I had more restraint in this situation. It was a combination of the fact it wasn't the first time she had done this, coupled with the deception and lying that she had been seeing someone else, and on top of that she was kicking me out of her apartment in the middle of the night because this guy was coming over. It was a cocktail of bad brew and it exploded for us both that night. I got in trouble, she didn't. She went on to have a great life, is now married with a great high ranking job, I'm where you see me now. I hate that the details of what happened have become the focus, instead of the fact it's not just about me... there's hundreds of thousands just like me all over this country in the same situation that are either stuck in a low end dead job or can't find work at all doing anything they enjoy or aspire to do.

What does this matter? she was your ex at the point and you had no right to get all pissy she asked you to leave so she could have private time with her bf. Also OP how big was your gf at this point? your 6'1 and 210 lbs. she might be been intimated when you started saying no you're not leaving.

 

[Carnby]

Neither does digging up the past when its all been settled.

Yes it does.

Btw, I saw the gory details of the Op's crime when he posted it for a minute. She could easily broken a bone or worse.

 

[I'm an expert]

Sorry, but changing states is not going to help. This appears on national background checks because Georgia does not seal these records compared to 90% of the other states in the country.

I don't understand how changing careers is going to help, as my crime wasn't related in anyway shape or form to the career I had or was going to have. The same problem will still be there.

I mean maybe taking a job that, though you may not have wanted to do, would have given you that sense of stability and self-confidence. Even if it was retail. It seems obvious that the industry you keep applying to, and staying current with certs, is not being receptive. From what you said, you never actually had a career since yo never held an it job since the incident at 19? The location.. I dunno.. all I have are anecdotes as I've never been an hr manager.

 

[Telephoto999]

What does this matter? she was your ex at the point and you had no right to get all pissy she asked you to leave so she could have private time with her bf. Also OP how big was your gf at this point? your 6'1 and 210 lbs. she might be been intimated when you started saying no you're not leaving.

Really?

Like... really?

 

[HalfBakedProphet]

Correct me if I'm wrong, because I can only see what it says now, not past edits. This was a guy that was woken up in the middle of the night to news that he was being cheaten on and that he had to leave at that moment. It's comparing apples to oranges but I think thats a pretty big issue.

they werent together anymore. you took this situation and compared my position here to defending rapists. Why you took it to such an extreme comparison to confuse the issue, who the fuck knows.

 

[Telephoto999]

I mean maybe taking a job that, though you may not have wanted to do, would have given you that sense of stability and self-confidence. Even if it was retail. It seems obvious that the industry you keep applying to, and staying current with certs, is not being receptive. From what you said, you never actually had a career since yo never held an it job since the incident at 19? The location.. I dunno.. all I have are anecdotes as I've never been an hr manager.

Not to be defensive... but by changing careers you mean making 1/5th my earning potential and working dead end jobs the rest of my life for near minimum wage because they are the only ones that won't view my past and exclude me from their companies?

 

[Keysersoze]

Really?

Like... really?

Yeah, Really.

 

[I'm an expert]

Not to be defensive... but by changing careers you mean making 1/5th my earning potential and working dead end jobs the rest of my life for near minimum wage because they are the only ones that won't view my past and exclude me from their companies?

I'm not at all attacking, but how's the alternative been? Being unemployed and depressed? Are you just going to spend the next 7 years doing the same thing, praying you hit the jackpot?

 

[ConradCervantes]

Yeah, Really.

it's embarrassing reading the things you say.

 

[Telephoto999]

Yeah, Really.

My ex was 5'8 200lbs at the time this occurred. She was not afraid of me, she had put her hands on me multiple times before and had begged me to hit her previously. I'm sure many in this thread have heard the famous words "then hit me motherfucker" because I heard it from her on multiple occasions. It was a sick, toxic relationship that I needed out of much, much sooner. She was not afraid nor scared by the fact that I wouldn't leave, she was afraid her new man was going to see her still sleeping with her ex and drop her and thats exactly why I planned to stay. She struck me because I told her what a whore I thought she was for still dragging me on while seeing this new guy among some other very hateful persona things. I had every right to get "pissy" at the situation, because this girl drug me along for months after our initial breakup because I gave her all the power in the relationship.

I fucked up. I get it. I've learned from it. It was a 7 years ago. I want past this.

 

[HiResDes]

I'm just happy that we're having this discussion, law enforcement has never really been just IMO, and our conceptions of crimes and morality always become so twisted and exaggerated that it becomes difficult to assign punishments that accurately fit. Great thread nonetheless, I mostly sympathize with the OP, but I think the scarcity of the job market is as much to blame as the judicial system.