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[DanteGhost]

First, I should start by saying that I feel embarrassed and ashamed that I've put myself in this situation. It should also be known that I've been fighting alcoholism for the last 10 years, as it plays a role in this whole mess. Lets start:

I (29) met this girl(26) at work last year( lets call her Anna) when I started working a new job (which I no longer work at). We started talking a lot, and is obvious that we click. Thing is I'm married (been married 3 years, together 9 no kids), and becoming aware that she was flirting with me, I let Anna know that I'm happily married. Few weeks after knowing each other, she invites me out and being the naive moron that I'm agree. We start drinking (heavily) and I end up needing to take an Uber to get home as I get shitfaced. Next morning Anna tells me that I've told her while drunk that I'm really attracted at her, but also assures me that I didn't do or said anything inappropriate. I remember nothing of the situation, but I believe her as I know how I behave while under the influence. This happens one more time, in pretty much the same circumstances. I begin to question my marriage, and decide to stop my friendship with Anna in order to focus on my marriage, which at this point is a mess as I've become distant from my wife. Anna and I become really distant for a couple of months, but my marriage is in shambles all this time, mostly due to the stress at my job.

Months later, I get close to Anna again, one thing leads to another and I end up at her apartment in two occasions drinking with her. I should make it clear that I DID NOT have sex with her or kiss her for that matter in those two occasions, but I definitely feel that I've cheated on my wife emotionally. At this point I feel betrayed by myself and by Anna (I felt she took advantage of the situation) and is one of the reasons I decide leave the job, as it is clear we both can't keep our distance.

During the 4 months before I leave this job (that whole time applying to new places, leaving until I finally get a new job), I quit alcohol (3 months) and I no longer feel attracted to this girl, but during that time me an Anna become actual friends as we do have many things in common. I no longer feel attracted to her as I realized during all this mess that she might have a bigger alcohol problem than me. During the last month my marriage has been great, as my wife and me decided to go to couple counseling. I kept talking to Anna but emotionally the attraction is not there on my part, and I felt she was no longer having feelings for me...until yesterday.

She texted me around 8 saying that she is at a bar feeling alone and in need of company. I decide to meet with her as I still see her as a friend. I take her to her place after a couple of drinks. We end up smoking weed in her room. I know all this sounds bad, but during all this experience I felt I was chilling with a friend. Nothing sexual happened, but today I realized that she totally wanted to fuck yesterday, but I missed all hints (constantly making physical contact to closing her room door for privacy).

I need outside perspective in all of these. Should I tell my wife? Should I expect her to ask for a divorce if I tell her? To be honest our marriage has been great during these last month, but it's also clear that I've been behaving immaturely. I'm just in dire need of outside perspective.

 

[QuantumSquid]

Make it abundantly clear to Anna that you are an honest, loyal person who has no interest in cheating.

If she keeps trying to make moves after that, get her out of your life.

 

[spiderman123]

Don't cheat. Let your wife know. Bc if she finds out, it gonna be even worst for you.

 

[jwk94]

Sounds like you might be in a pickle, OP. So, I'm gonna ask you a few questions:

1) Does you wife know Anna exists? If not, do you feel like you've been hiding her existance? If so, I do think you should stay away from Anna.

2) Not a question, but congrats on kicking alcohol. I know a lot of people have that problem, so hearing you've quick makes me happy.

3) You probably shouldn't be around alcohol. Does Anna drink a lot?

4) If your wife knows about Anna, why not try getting her help? I mean, still get her help if she has a problem, but it'd be easier if your wife knew too.

5) If you feel like you're emotionally cheating on your wife, where do you think you should go from here?

6) Do you want to have sex with Anna? The fact that you pointed out how you realized Anna wanted to have sex kinda indicates that you do or I don't think you would've brought it up.

7) If the situation arose, would you have sex with Anna? If so, I DEFINITELY think you should stop seeing her.

Hopefully I don't come across as harsh. If I do, I'm sorry.

 

[danthefan]

Good that you didn't do anything intimate but dude you're married.

You have to stop hanging out on your own with single girls who flirt with you in their apartments. I'm sure you know this.

Just break off contact with this Anna person and move on imo.

 

[hurricanes]

Tell you wife before she finds out herself. And cut Anna out of your life.

 

[shintoki]

It's not your job to fix Anna. Let Elsa do it. You can not have a friendship is one of you is looking for something more.

Really though, it's a simple question. If you have to think about telling your wife or not, you'd done probably fucked up already

 

[spiderman123]

Tell you wife before she finds out herself. And cut Anna out of your life.

As a married man, THIS IS THE BEST ADVICE. Trust me, if I didn't tell me wife about something like this, she would think that I am purposefully deceitful and there are more skeletons in the closet.

 

[Twilight Gap]

let it go

 

[lightskintwin]

Tell you wife before she finds out herself. And cut Anna out of your life.

Don't tell your wife and cut Anna out of your life. #BARS

 

[DanteGhost]

Sounds like you might be in a pickle, OP. So, I'm gonna ask you a few questions:

1) Does you wife know Anna exists? If not, do you feel like you've been hiding her existance? If so, I do think you should stay away from Anna.

2) Not a question, but congrats on kicking alcohol. I know a lot of people have that problem, so hearing you've quick makes me happy.

3) You probably shouldn't be around alcohol. Does Anna drink a lot?

4) If your wife knows about Anna, why not try getting her help? I mean, still get her help if she has a problem, but it'd be easier if your wife knew too.

5) If you feel like you're emotionally cheating on your wife, where do you think you should go from here?

6) Do you want to have sex with Anna? The fact that you pointed out how you realized Anna wanted to have sex kinda indicates that you do or I don't think you would've brought it up.

7) If the situation arose, would you have sex with Anna? If so, I DEFINITELY think you should stop seeing her.

Hopefully I don't come across as harsh. If I do, I'm sorry.

1) Yes(social media), but she has no idea we are close friends. They do not know each other.
2) Thank you!
3) Yes, less now than before.
4) I rather not.
5) Its clear to me that I might have been trying to sabotage my marriage, but is hard for me to understand the reason why, as I love my wife.
6) I think she is attractive, I do not want to have sex with her.
7) I honestly don't know, but I do know that I should keep my distance.

 

[jwk94]

Don't tell your wife and cut Anna out of your life. #BARS

Don't tell your wife and watch someone get 20 to life.

 

[DeviantBoi]

If nothing happened, don't tell your wife.

Just cut Anna from your life and move on.

I know it feels like telling your wife is the right thing to do, but it's not. You don't know how she's going to take it. You might end up regretting it.

 

[George Washington]

If nothing happened, don't tell your wife.

Just cut Anna from your life and move on.

I know it feels like telling your wife is the right thing to do, but it's not. You don't know how she's going to take it. You might end up regretting it.

This.

 

[lightskintwin]

If nothing happened, don't tell your wife.

Just cut Anna from your life and move on.

I know it feels like telling your wife is the right thing to do, but it's not. You don't know how she's going to take it. You might end up regretting it.

This man knows. Save yourself the headache.

 

[Lace]

She's not your friend, she's a danger to your marriage. Make your wife aware of her (I'll leave the details up to you) and be straight with Anna that friendship just isn't a possibility. If you love your wife who cares about Anna's wants?

 

[Zeouterlimits]

You do need to put a hard stop to your friendship with Anna it seems, sorry.
It's not good for her to be around you if you're not reciprocating either.

Telling your wife is the right thing to do, but honestly, I don't know know what you'd say at this point.
You could be selective, but that'd involve a lot of white lies or lies by admission.

Good on you for sticking with your marriage and working through it.

 

[DanteGhost]

If nothing happened, don't tell your wife.

Just cut Anna from your life and move on.

I know it feels like telling your wife is the right thing to do, but it's not. You don't know how she's going to take it. You might end up regretting it.

That's how I feel she might take it, but I've been honest all the relationship until this point. I'm just scared shitless that she will dump me. If it was a reverse situation I would leave, as it would be hard for me to believe that nothing sexual happened even if it was the truth. Specially over the course of a year.

 

[Herr Schwarz]

Don't tell your wife you insane mother fucker.

Man the torture my gal would put me through.

Permanent moral high ground. You'll be in a forever state of grovelling and you didn't even get laid.

Fuuuuck that. You're allowed to have friends!

 

[lightskintwin]

That's how I feel she might take it, but I've been honest all the relationship until this point. I'm just scared shitless that she will dump me. If it was a reverse situation I would leave, as it would be hard for me to believe that nothing sexual happened even if it was the truth. Specially over the course of a year.

I use to tell my friends if you're hanging out with another woman like that, you might as well have sex, because if your wife/girlfriend finds out; she's going to assume you fucked her anyway, and won't believe you when you tell her the truth.

Do not tell her.

 

[shintoki]

If nothing happened, don't tell your wife.

Just cut Anna from your life and move on.

I know it feels like telling your wife is the right thing to do, but it's not. You don't know how she's going to take it. You might end up regretting it.

You can tell your wife, without saying, "Hey, this chick wanted to fuck me". Something like the girl needed a ride home after getting drunk again or she seems like too much of a drunk. If the two know each other thru facebook, never know what the one might do. So mention it, just incase, but no reason to go into the details. It was simply you taking a friend home at the time who has problems. Should said girl decide to fuck with the marriage, it's not a complete blindside to the wife then, who will instantly think you cheated.

 

[DanteGhost]

Don't tell your wife you insane mother fucker.

Man the torture my gal would put me through.

Permanent moral high ground. You'll be in a forever state of grovelling and you didn't even get laid.

Fuuuuck that. You're allowed to have friends!

Yeah, after reading a couple of comments I rather not tell her. It seems I didn't fuck as bad as I thought. For fuck sake I have not been able to sleep thinking about this.

 

[jwk94]

Don't tell your wife you insane mother fucker.

Man the torture my gal would put me through.

Permanent moral high ground. You'll be in a forever state of grovelling and you didn't even get laid.

Fuuuuck that. You're allowed to have friends!

This friend wants to fuck him even though she knows he has a wife. Nobody should want a friend who would pull some grimey stuff like that.

1) Yes(social media), but she has no idea we are close friends. They do not know each other.
2) Thank you!
3) Yes, less now than before.
4) I rather not.
5) Its clear to me that I might have been trying to sabotage my marriage, but is hard for me to understand the reason why, as I love my wife.
6) I think she is attractive, I do not want to have sex with her.
7) I honestly don't know, but I do know that I should keep my distance.

Alright, I say don't tell your wife. As others have said, it would cause a massive headache and she probably wouldn't trust that nothing happened. I would also cut Anna out of your life. She's a danger to your marriage. Just, make sure she's not someone who would do something drastic with herself if you cut her off.

 

[jb1234]

If Anna has feelings for you, you'd be doing her a favor by saying goodbye. And even if she doesn't, you need to anyway for the sake of your marriage.

 

[jwk94]

Yeah, after reading a couple of comments I rather not tell her. It seems I didn't fuck as bad as I thought. For fuck sake I have not been able to sleep thinking about this.

You didn't fuck period lol.

Lemme be clear real quick, though. Having a friend of the opposite sex is all fine and dandy. Not telling your SO that ya'll are close friends, especially when there's a clear attraction between the two of you, guys isn't.

Your biggest mistake was not being upfront about the friendship from the very start. Had you done this, navigating this mess would've been a lot easier.

 

[Sunster]

Don't tell your wife and cut Anna out of your life. #BARS

this

and lol you did not go to a bar with a single woman who you know is into and said she felt alone, thinking it was as friends. gtfoh

 

[ghostofsparta]

don't tell your wife

cut ties with Anna

seriously stop hanging out with Anna

 

[Ryaaan14]

There's ALWAYS going to be an Anna. The problem is with your marriage. I know u are doing counseling but it seems obvious u want something new and fresh. This is gonna keep happening.

 

[meow]

You should cut Anna out of your life. She clearly doesn't respect boundaries and you clearly can't fully control yourself. Only don't tell your wife if you're mostly sure Anna isn't the type to go spill it herself because it's probably way worse if your wife hears from anyone other than you.

 

[MrMatt555]

Are you Anna's only friend, OP? If not, why she always going to you, the married guy.

 

[Herr Schwarz]

Yeah, after reading a couple of comments I rather not tell her. It seems I didn't fuck as bad as I thought. For fuck sake I have not been able to sleep thinking about this.

Yeah man you're over thinking it to a huge amount. You didn't even see her boobs.

Strip clubs would be more of a cheat!

I mean yeah you got close to her for a bit, but nothing happened! The only thing talking about her would do would create hell fire.

Shit just mention to your wife she's been a friend to you during hard times in a nonchalant manner or somesuch.

All the guilt for none of the pussy!

 

[Flying Toaster]

You are married... seriously what the bloody hell are you doing You seem unhappy in your marriage and so you have Anna right now. If you cut her out of your life you are going to have another version of Anna down the road. Cut Anna out and fix your marriage. Or cut Anna out and end your marriage and find a different person to have a healthy relationship with.

Don't tell your wife. This shit will blow up in your face so badly it is not even funny. You might not think so now but what if in the future your wife ends up using this situation as an excuse for her own Anna situation.

 

[Zero315]

1) Yes(social media), but she has no idea we are close friends. They do not know each other.

So what does your wife think you're doing while you're out getting drunk with Anna and hanging out in her bedroom?

Either way, stop hanging out with Anna, and definitely stop going back to her place.

 

[Transhuman]

I've never heard of a relationship problem on gaf that couldn't be solved by showing your SO the thread.

 

[brawly]

What the fuck are you doing getting drunk and high with another girl while your wife is at home. It ain't no friendship bullshit.

 

[Messofanego]

This Anna girl needs friends and help on her alcoholism, stat. You can't be her emotional crutch. No more hanging out at her place. Just stay as friends. But if she makes the moves again, it's clear she can't remain just friends with you, so you got to cut her out.

 

[danthefan]

This Anna girl needs friends and help on her alcoholism, stat. You can't be her emotional crutch. No more hanging out at her place. Just stay as friends. But if she makes the moves again, it's clear she can't remain just friends with you, so you got to cut her out.

Eh, no, do not stay as friends. The OP needs Anna out of his life.

 

[davepoobond]

She doesn't sound like a friend at all...

 

[13ruce]

Don't tell your wife. Say to Anna that you have a happy marriage and will stay friends only if Anna is not fine with that, well then you kick her out of your life.

If you stay friends and she still tries the same or not work on her alcohol problem abandon immediately.

 

[Yoshimitsu126]

Yeah, tell her to build a snowman with someone else cause your love isn't an open door. Don't let this storm rage on. Her loneliness shouldn't bother you anyway.

 

[Replicant]

Attraction and flirtation do happens between friends. The issue is whether or not you'll act on it. You need to not be with Anna on your own as you seem to be somewhat attracted to her.

I don't see the point in telling your wife though. You'll make her sad for nothing.

Let it go.

 

[Blackpuppy]

This Anna is bad news. I know feelings are feelings because we can't control them etc etc etc, but take an objective look at this: she's flirting with you knowing that you're a married man. There is no good to come out of this if you two keep playing this dance. None! Even of you do consummate this tension what do you say next? Imagine what would be running through your head while you hold this other woman post-coitus and you glance at your wedding ring. What do you say to your wife when you walk through the door?

I wouldn't worry about the "emotional" cheating. I think it's normal to doubt and innocently flirt and think of all the "what ifs": we're human after all. But at the end of the day we should say to ourselves: I don't want to lose my spouse so fuck that!

Cut her out of your life.

 

[Mediking]

Emotionally cheating.... we need to define what this means.

 

[Grassy]

Absolutely DO NOT tell your wife you've been hanging with a woman you work with and getting drunk and smoking bongs. You'll never hear the end of it if she decides to stick with your dumb ass.

 

[Yoshimitsu126]

Emotionally cheating.... we need to define what this means.

Your side chick or side dick that doesn't get any actuons.

 

[Ryaaan14]

I've never heard of a relationship problem on gaf that couldn't be solved by showing your SO the thread.

The fuckin thing was typed out like she was watching over his shoulder. Look how many times he says he didn't have feelings for Anna. Like who are u tryna convince bruh

 

[Night.Ninja]

How sexy is Anna ?

When was the last tIme you had sex?

 

[Mediking]

Your side chick or side dick that doesn't get any actuons.

??? I'm friends with married women and women who have boyfriends. We have good conversations and stuff but nothing physical. Maybe a hug at the very most.

So when does it become emotionally cheating...?

 

[Mohonky]

Emotionally cheating.... we need to define what this means.

Would you do something with someone else or behave in such a way if you knew your partner was there?

If no, its because you know you have done something that they would consider inappropriate.

 

[Mediking]

Would you do something with someone else or behave in such a way if you knew your partner was there?

If no, its because you know you have done something that they would consider inappropriate.

Ahhhh... lol I'm dumb. I understand.

Its just emotionally cheating sounds like very personal conversations and stuff.