Messofanego
Banned
Reading it again, yeah she sounds manipulative when she already knows he's married.
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Girl problem; need advice.
- Thread starter DanteGhost
- Start date
Mediking
Member
Anna likes OP.
Deep down, OP likes the attention.
Begins to feel guilty.
Anna now wants to have sex with OP.
OP's heart goes into overdrive and becomes full of guilt.
OP should leave Anna alone and introduce her to me.
I mean... uh...
Just leave Anna alone.
blazeuk
Member
The important part of your original post is that you said that you've been fighting alcoholism for years and you believe Anna also has a drinking problem, it's simply not a healthy mix, you need to stop seeing Anna for your own sake because you'll just continue to encourage each other and it won't end well.
lostinblue
Banned
I think that's a mean thing to say.
She's probably stuck in work limbo (works too much/can't meet enough guys outside it) and OP gave her mixed signals from the beginning - I'm not talking about hiding the fact he was married, I'm talking about emotionally available-ness, to which he admitted as much. At some point during this story I don't think he had a marriage going, just not closure to say there wasn't one - if he did, he would.
There's human connection between the two of them and there was something more before even if nothing happened.
I don't see that as manipulative and she actually didn't do anything.
I have a similar situation at work, girl with long term boyfriend clicks with me, I do flirt with her and I don't really acknowledge the guy, but I won't go further than that. Thing that puzzles me, is that she hasn't given me a cold shoulder for doing it.
Anyway I think their relation is solid, just turned into routine/boring. She's not about to leave him or I'd have a mess in my hands.
I don't think she actually does have a drinking problem.
She drinks, that's a problem hanging out with OP as he quit drinking.
Billy_Pilgrim
Member
Either stay with your wife and put some boundaries between you and temptress or throw away stability for the weed smoking homewrecker.
lostinblue
Banned
She's always a potential time bomb given chance because she decided OP is go. But she's probably manageable.
I wouldn't really go for a sit down over it, but some things to consider.
1. What makes you bangable for her is the emotional connection and prior tension, unfulfilled. But mostly emotional connection. If she wanted some random dude she would go on a dance floor in a bikini.
2. She wants you to stay around, and the intimacy you get with someone after you had sex (cultural thing); for her that's the only thing missing, which is why, in her mindset having sex with you is an easy decision, you don't have to stick around for more - having sex with someone committed is a strangely easy decision - everyone is afraid of commitment, but you're committed so when the other part accepts that they're not expecting you to priorize them and be boyfriend material. Of course, I'm not telling you to go for it (don't!).
3. Above all that, you're an escape from her life/reality. And she assumes (if you go for it) you also want/need that escape too. She wants to be herself, she probably doesn't feel that she is her own person or in control in her everyday life. She's basically being most of all a friend for you, even if she doesn't know how and it gets really mixed. If anything happens it's via consent (contrary to other people said I don't she's being manipulative), she wants to be there for you, but I don't think she's in love (apart from a slight crush) nor is she thinking long term. Smoking a joint and having sex is not long term, she's not taking you for dinner at a fancy place, nor are you. You probably lowered her expectations and she's ok with it.
As for what you should do, hell if I know. She seems like a sweet girl, you can insist on being just friends and brush aside her advances (I wouldn't talk about them, just ignore them, after a few of those she'll realize you're not interested). But you have to be in control. Of course, you're still playing with fire. Friendship is an interesting prospect though, but you have to draw lines of what you won't do. Like going up to her chambers (I like chambers better than "room"). I'd probably go with this from now on, you can get together for drinks, you can be together with other friends (almost preferable - you can be the guy that organizes it, invites her and invites other people too, to her surprise), but you don't want to be alone with her in a privacy setting. Also bear in mind that, switching places a lot like, coffee, dinner, some bar, someone's home, might be an afternoon that went into the night but for her that's 4 places she's been in, seems like an awful time and eases up people. If you want to close up on someone change a lot. If you want to have coffee with her, have coffee and then fuck off somewhere else. Don't encore, you'll just end in her chambers.
Irishmantis
Member
If you having girl problems I feel bad for you son, I got 99 problems and a chick ain't one.... unfortunately
Jokes aside, speaking from experience this thing can bite you in the ass somewhere down the road.
So I suggest telling her a let's say less blunt version of the truth, turn multiple times at the bar to 1 time and things like that
If you feel it 100% won't come back on you, then do not tell her
Jokes aside, speaking from experience this thing can bite you in the ass somewhere down the road.
So I suggest telling her a let's say less blunt version of the truth, turn multiple times at the bar to 1 time and things like that
If you feel it 100% won't come back on you, then do not tell her
Night.Ninja
Banned
Don't tell your wife that's a very stupid thing to do
always crazy bacon
Banned
Don't tell your wife, you already passed the test.
Adam Sadler
Member
Just leave Anna alone fam. I get you probably feel that you could keep it at a friendship level while rejecting her but leave her be because she will catch you at the lowest and take advantage of you
always crazy bacon
Banned
If a random poster with THAT tag does not believe you, then there's no chance your wife will either.
ClosingADoor
Member
Don't hang out with Anna alone anymore. Don't tell your wife if nothing happened and focus on having fun with her instead of with other girls.
rocketskates
Member
Anna's probably down for a 3some so you just need to ask your wife now.
always crazy bacon
Banned
It does not work that way, but another.
perfectchaos007
Member
Bottom line is you didn't kiss of have sex with the girl so you didn't do anything wrong. Sure you began to have feelings for her but you're putting a stop to it before it crossed the line. No need to tell your wife about this.
GoldenCrow
Member
Do not tell your wife. There is no good outcome from that, even if it is only used as something further down the line.
You don't have to stop being friends with Anna either especially as you know where you stand with her but for fuck sake stop going to her house/apartment. Only meet in public places and stop meeting her in bars.
If you are lying to your wife about who you are going to meet or who you have been with then you need to stop it altogether because your knowingly being deceitful and trying to hide things from her.
You don't have to stop being friends with Anna either especially as you know where you stand with her but for fuck sake stop going to her house/apartment. Only meet in public places and stop meeting her in bars.
If you are lying to your wife about who you are going to meet or who you have been with then you need to stop it altogether because your knowingly being deceitful and trying to hide things from her.
Herr Schwarz
Banned
Didn't know Mike Pence had a gaf account
Basically this and dude knock it off.
lostinblue
Banned
That's part of what's wrong with society though. One thing is being faithful, emotionally faithful too, other is... total neglect of everything else, making your existance quite unbalanced. You shouldn't have only one female in your life, only one love interest I totally get.
I have plenty female friends, but nothing ever happened with them, or will. And if a girl I'm interested in can't deal with that, well... That's not changing.
If I did have had something with either of them at some point though, she'd have a point and I've have to cut back - I'm never actively trying to meet up with any ex for instance. I dislike limbo, I don't want to be there just because there's nothing better for the time being.
I do friendzone girls - they're not plan B, they're plan NEVER - everybody should and I don't get "nice guys" other than they might be desperate.
Fact is if you know most girls as friends and they bug you in the middle of the night because insecurities, two things will happen, you realize a lot of shit that you'll deal with in the future when it comes to girls because it's a pattern (and this will help you) and, in regards to these female friends you'll totally redflag them as far as dating goes. And that's a beautiful thing. I'm not trying to get in their pants, I don't need them for that. And I'm sure they don't need me for that either.
You need guy friends, female friends, family, everything you can as far as stability and capable of insight, on top of a relationship. It's a balancing act.
CrudeDiatribe
Member
Agree with this 100%.
There was a period in which I was meeting new and exciting and attractive women left right and centre. I felt a connection with a few of them and was terrified I was going to cheat; I told my partner about all of them, it kept me from doing anything stupid. Some I'm still friends with and others I'm not (there was nothing beyond superficial attraction).
OP, if you can stop seeing Anna without telling your wife, go for it. I don't (or didn't) have that much self control.
Sho_Nuff82
Member
Do not meet up with single not-your-wife women to do drugs at their apartment alone. Stop that. Take your wife out to a nice dinner and go for a walk instead.
You've been "good", only in so far as Anna doesn't have the balls to make a move and has spared you the emotional guilt of having fully cheated on your wife. If you're smart, you'll get out of this "friendship" while you can, because sooner or later she will lose her inhibitions, you'll blame the sauce, and then you'll be looking at an at fault divorce where your bright side is a fellow alcoholic.
You may indeed need intervention for your drinking, but don't blame it for your shitty behavior. Does your wife know this person exists? Does she hang out with y'all as a couple? Are you sneaking texts to her while y'all are laying in bed together?
Be honest, if she was a friend, you know the answers to those questions would be different.
You've been "good", only in so far as Anna doesn't have the balls to make a move and has spared you the emotional guilt of having fully cheated on your wife. If you're smart, you'll get out of this "friendship" while you can, because sooner or later she will lose her inhibitions, you'll blame the sauce, and then you'll be looking at an at fault divorce where your bright side is a fellow alcoholic.
You may indeed need intervention for your drinking, but don't blame it for your shitty behavior. Does your wife know this person exists? Does she hang out with y'all as a couple? Are you sneaking texts to her while y'all are laying in bed together?
Be honest, if she was a friend, you know the answers to those questions would be different.
///PATRIOT
Banned
Don't let your wife learn your wife Account.
Uhm you still messed up. In my opinion emotional cheating is as bad as physical. Cut her off. A married man hanging out with a single woman in her own bedroom? C'mon man.
Spaced Harrier
Member
Send Anna my way.
Hickbilly Deluxe
Banned
Tell your wife OP. Tell her everything. That way we can look forward to the divorce thread in a few months.
So, you know "know how you behave while under the influence", but go out of your way to drink while alone with another woman. Then after "quitting" alcohol, you still end up drinking and then weed at her place?
1) If I ever found out about anything like this in any other way that my SO proactively coming clean, it would be an instant divorce.
2) Marriage counseling ++++
3) You can try to hide all this to avoid the harships. But who knows what kind of person Anna is. She can really ruin your marriage if she reaches out to your wife and words it slightly differently
4) You are absolutely an emotional cheater. No "I feel like I am" BS
1) If I ever found out about anything like this in any other way that my SO proactively coming clean, it would be an instant divorce.
2) Marriage counseling ++++
3) You can try to hide all this to avoid the harships. But who knows what kind of person Anna is. She can really ruin your marriage if she reaches out to your wife and words it slightly differently
4) You are absolutely an emotional cheater. No "I feel like I am" BS
shawnbuddy
Member
I think maybe you're still a little bit in love with Booze, too. You use fellow-alcoholic Anna as an excuse to drink. That alone makes it toxic, and you should cut her out of your life.
Astral Dog
Member
If your marriage is already in trouble then maybe you need to think TWICE before telling her, and who knows wich one of the two you will end up with
Camel Master
Member
Tell your wife, calmly and rationally the facts. It's this toxic notion that women can't give good, calm and rational respone in a situation under pressure. She deserves to know and you benefit from opening your emotions & freeing yourself from guilt.
For Anna, your relationship with her depends solely on what your wife feels about it after you tell her.
For Anna, your relationship with her depends solely on what your wife feels about it after you tell her.
Mammoth Jones
Member
Yup. Can't be friends with everyone dude. Does Anna have the best interest of you and your wife in her mind? Or she just want you to beat it up?
Do you want to be with your wife? If so stop. hanging. out. with. single. women.
You need to focus on healing your marriage. Dead those extracurricular friendships until you do so. I'm not saying "you can't be friends with other women" on some bullshit "a man can't control hisself" type shit. I'm just saying for right now you need to focus on one relationship in your life: your spouse.
Cant be friends with Anna dude. Not if you want your wife. I wouldn't tell her shit. But I'd stop allowing myself to be in certain situations for sure.
Naaaaaaaah.
If he really wants to be with his wife, way better off getting rid of Anna completely and taking that shit to the grave. Things will always be different if he tells her, no matter what he does. You don't get that shit back.
Better off not knowing some things in life.
What he did was relatively harmless bullshit and stupid, but if he ends it and never starts it again... eeeh.
Clearly can't have both in his life.
yukianderson
Member
Just be sure if you're not going tell your wife that she will never find out or it be over if she find out from someone else and you never told her. Cut Anna out of your life for good.
If you really didn't do anything sexual I wouldn't tell your wife. If my fiancé told me a similar story I'd struggle to believe nothing sexual happened in all that time. I think most people would.
You're doing the right thing by giving up booze and going to counselling, I'd say just chalk this up as experience. Cut things off with Anna and focus on your marriage.
You're doing the right thing by giving up booze and going to counselling, I'd say just chalk this up as experience. Cut things off with Anna and focus on your marriage.
100% this. Nothing happened (yet). Cut this other lady out of your life before something DOES happen.
If you do tell your wife, might as well fuck Anna.
Cause "I regularly get drunk and high with a girl in her bedroom" is the same as fucking.
So if you are going to pick up all your "I fucked another woman" baggage and deliver it to your wife, you may as well have actually fucked another woman.
Cause "I regularly get drunk and high with a girl in her bedroom" is the same as fucking.
So if you are going to pick up all your "I fucked another woman" baggage and deliver it to your wife, you may as well have actually fucked another woman.
ScatheZombie
Member
When you have to hide the details of your 'friendships' from your SO because you know the things you do/talk about with your 'friends' would make them uncomfortable/upset.
When you put in more time/effort/emotion into a 'friendship' than you do your actual relationship.
You're cheating but you haven't fucked... yet.
You can't control yourself. I'm not buying your being naive excuse or that you were thinking of her as a friend. You broke 3 months of sobriety after turning your marriage around after previous incidents of falling off the wagon for this woman ALL because she texted you at 8 saying she was lonely and in need of company. What the fuck dude. I don't blame Anna for thinking that you were down for this cheating bullshit. Why would this be on her? You can't help yourself and was sending literally every wrong single.
Mammoth Jones
Member
This too. Own your unwillingness to set boundaries and standards for yourself.
TimeEffect
Member
Who hangs out like this as a married person?
And dont lead her on, she'll get mad and it could blow up
Keep the distance and dont explain anything to Anna, let it fade away and hope for the best
And dont lead her on, she'll get mad and it could blow up
Keep the distance and dont explain anything to Anna, let it fade away and hope for the best
Yea OP blaming Anna for being "manipulative." Nah dude, you want this girl and have wanted her for a while. No one whose happily married gets blazed and drunk with a single woman this often and in these kinds of intimate settings.
Pretty sure Anna will harass you if you cut it off so be prepared for that.
You should not tell your wife, but not because she's going to "give you shit" and "make you pay for it" (although that may be true).
The whole reason you want to "come clean" to your wife is to absolve yourself of the guilt you feel because YOU KNOW YOU FUCKED UP.
By confessing to your wife your indiscretions you are absolving yourself of your guilt (which makes you feel better) while dumping her with a bunch of shit that's going to make her feel like crap about herself, about you, and about your marriage.
Just shut your fucking mouth and never see Anna again. You know you are playing with fire here. It doesn't matter if you don't "want" to fuck her it's going to happen if you keep seeing her.
BTW you are not hanging out with Anna, you are going out on dates with her. Stop lying to yourself.
The whole reason you want to "come clean" to your wife is to absolve yourself of the guilt you feel because YOU KNOW YOU FUCKED UP.
By confessing to your wife your indiscretions you are absolving yourself of your guilt (which makes you feel better) while dumping her with a bunch of shit that's going to make her feel like crap about herself, about you, and about your marriage.
Just shut your fucking mouth and never see Anna again. You know you are playing with fire here. It doesn't matter if you don't "want" to fuck her it's going to happen if you keep seeing her.
BTW you are not hanging out with Anna, you are going out on dates with her. Stop lying to yourself.
She was never really your friend in the traditional sense and always wanted you to fuck her.
She doesn't care about your marriage as much as you think, because she doesn't seem to respect those bounders (neither do you?).
The moment you told her you were "happily married," I don't think she should still have been inviting you over for drinks and shit. Or at least without your wife knowing.
I think part of you wanted her this entire time. I don't think you're this naive to not think this. You could have easily said no and decline all of her advances.
She doesn't care about your marriage as much as you think, because she doesn't seem to respect those bounders (neither do you?).
The moment you told her you were "happily married," I don't think she should still have been inviting you over for drinks and shit. Or at least without your wife knowing.
I think part of you wanted her this entire time. I don't think you're this naive to not think this. You could have easily said no and decline all of her advances.
perfectchaos007
Member
Well I guess the only positive thing that could happen if you tell your wife is if she flips out and leaves you, then you can be happily ever after with Anna
WAR recon zero
Banned
Cut anna from your life. Remove contacts and block her.
Trust me. Having a strong attraction around marriage is recipe for chaos
Trust me. Having a strong attraction around marriage is recipe for chaos
Sho_Nuff82
Member
And FFS do not tell your wife. Just dead the whole situation and move on. Next time Anna hits you up just ignore that shit.