-
Hey, guest user. Hope you're enjoying NeoGAF! Have you considered registering for an account? Come join us and add your take to the daily discourse.
Girl problem; need advice.
- Thread starter DanteGhost
- Start date
It seems you really want your marriage to work from what you are saying. Since you are couple therapy I think it's time to be honest with your wife about Anna. You don't have to say things like I was attracted to her or anything, but that you wanna be just friends with Anna, but you are afraid that this girl is trying to take advantage of you and you wanna be there for your wife and ask for help. I believe your wife will understand and feel closer to you knowing that you want only her and need her for help to keep another woman from ruining your marriage. I'd also bring it up to your marriage counselor and talk about options of what you can do with Anna.
Sho_Nuff82
Member
Nope. There is no future with Anna as part of the equation. This is a fairy tale.
Seriously, if you tell your wife that you went to another woman's home to do drugs, and that you want to continue seeing this person, your marriage will end.
Dude, you've already been emotionally cheating with Anna this whole time. I'm sure it's been quite the rush. But your wife deserves a whole husband. If you want her and only her, then cut contact with Anna completely.
Whether you tell your wife or not is up to you. Some women would rather not know; others would be forgiving. But if you can't get over the guilt, don't put that on her. You fucked up.
Whether you tell your wife or not is up to you. Some women would rather not know; others would be forgiving. But if you can't get over the guilt, don't put that on her. You fucked up.
Mammoth Jones
Member
Yea. Anything other than this will end your marriage. Can't have it both ways. Make your choice and live with it.
always crazy bacon
Banned
If you're going to do the time, you might as well have done the crime.
Camel Master
Member
For such a progressive forum there's awful lot of people accepting that the man gets away with emotional cheating without telling his dear wife who deserves to know. Let her be the judge with all the facts laid out, nothing more. Especially if you are doing counseling, whats the point if you dont even bring the crucial stuff like this one clearly is.
Also, since trust needs to be a thing in marriage, you shouldn't make assumptions that she would judge you unfairly.
Also, since trust needs to be a thing in marriage, you shouldn't make assumptions that she would judge you unfairly.
always crazy bacon
Banned
Does not sound like you've been married.
Lol nothing about being a progressive means you have to be a dumbass.
It's not about getting away with anything, its about making his relationship work going forward.
After you've been to counseling with your wife, telling her hey, I've been cheating on you, a good future relationship does not make.
Perhaps the relationship should end, but dropping that bomb will definitely make it so.
Messofanego
Banned
Lose everything and make a new life with Anna, but then she gets tired of you making her commit, and she runs away. Happy ending.
Do not listen to this person.
This is some fucking bullshit right here. You know who is ruining his fucking marriage? OP
Him and Him alone. Anna didn't sign up for marriage, she didn't make a fucking commitment to his wife.
OP chooses to go hang out and get drunk with Anna and spend time in her room.
Anna isn't ruining shit, get the fuck out with that.
Secret Fawful
Member
So, sigh, if this is happening your marriage is on life support. You say you felt Anna betrayed you but you still stayed friends and you still ended up alone with her in a compromising situation. Counseling and a month of a good marriage after months of a bad one isn't helping you enough nor would it have saved you if you fucked Anna. You're trying to hold on to something that deep down I don't think you even want. Cut Anna out, but think hard and honestly about how much you really want your marriage, because I don't believe you want it at all.
hurricanes
Member
OP it is more than clear that you are not looking for advice to save your marriage, you are looking for excuses and biased conformation to lie/hid thing from your wife so you don't have to face consequences.
To all posters who advocate "don't tell your wife", would you want to know if you are in her shoes? If yes, you are a massive coward and hypocrite, just like op.
To all posters who advocate "don't tell your wife", would you want to know if you are in her shoes? If yes, you are a massive coward and hypocrite, just like op.
lachesis
Member
Emotional cheating - in legal terms, emotional affair is just as destructive as physical affair - and that's coming from my personal experience that I'm going through. (I found out that wife had EA with her ex, and I am in the middle of divorce - not just because of EA, but once the love is gone, it just didn't come back for her.)
If OP believes in marriage and honor the vows that each made to each other, he should really cut off this Anna person entirely. Otherwise, just divorce and live to be single before it's too late to salvage the marriage.
Telling the other person what happened really depends on the other person. I personally wouldn't tell her, but always feel guilt. If OP would confess, I would suggest counseling immediately as long as OP and OP's wife is willing to make the marriage work. Either one of them has no intention of salvaging the marriage - there's little chance of saving it.
If OP believes in marriage and honor the vows that each made to each other, he should really cut off this Anna person entirely. Otherwise, just divorce and live to be single before it's too late to salvage the marriage.
Telling the other person what happened really depends on the other person. I personally wouldn't tell her, but always feel guilt. If OP would confess, I would suggest counseling immediately as long as OP and OP's wife is willing to make the marriage work. Either one of them has no intention of salvaging the marriage - there's little chance of saving it.
Mammoth Jones
Member
Yea cause progressives don't cheat on their spouses...
Obviously the correct answer is to not get into these situations to begin with. But since we don't have a time machine we can only go by where OP is now.
If you want to salvage the marriage and REALLY want to be with your wife then I wouldn't inform her how close to cheating you got. I'd cut my losses with side girl and focus exclusively on the marriage.
StanleyStutters
Member
OP you definitely fucked up, but you haven't passed the point of no return yet. Cut this chick out of your life. I imagine you'd be pretty pissed at your wife if she had a "friend" from work that wanted to fuck her. She then proceeded to get shitfaced with this person and go hang out in a bedroom alone with them, high. You and Anna have already gone too far for you guys to be friends now. At some point she's going to make a move and you're going to give in. Cut ties now if you want to stay married.
The only reason I'm parotting what others said is because he didn't physically cheat. He didn't kiss her or have sex or anything of that nature. Dude definitely emotionally cheated, but that's something that you can easily move past without hurting anyone.
Had he kissed, fondled, had sex with, or just touched another woman in a way that wouldn't be ok, THEN that's when you tell your SO and get the divorce papers ready. Even if your SO wanted to work past this, they wouldn't fully trust you ever again.
Don't lie to your wife
You're part of the problem since you keep going back to this woman
Stop hanging around people that are thirsting for you when you're in a closed relationship and aren't respecting you or your relationship by intentionally setting up seduction scenarios. Some people don't know boundaries, and you need to set up one around your marriage. You can have friends, but if you feel you're emotionally straying then you need to cut them out
tbf there's also a group of people that are only interested in homewrecking/being the side piece / conquering someone else's partner. Once they get you they've "won" and they'll move on. Then you just end up double dumped
You're part of the problem since you keep going back to this woman
Stop hanging around people that are thirsting for you when you're in a closed relationship and aren't respecting you or your relationship by intentionally setting up seduction scenarios. Some people don't know boundaries, and you need to set up one around your marriage. You can have friends, but if you feel you're emotionally straying then you need to cut them out
tbf there's also a group of people that are only interested in homewrecking/being the side piece / conquering someone else's partner. Once they get you they've "won" and they'll move on. Then you just end up double dumped
UnemployedVillain
Member
I'm not sure how much I believe in emotional cheating. What OP described is conflicted feelings, but reading what he did, nothing in there is anything wrong that he actually did. I think when things become physical it crosses a line, but what you've described is akin to two close friends, male and female, hanging out, who might have somewhat of an attraction to one another. I wouldn't call that in itself cheating and it doesn't sound like you guys were doing any sort of intense flirting.
In terms of what to do I probably wouldn't tell your wife. Even if you explain that nothing actually happened, the perception of guilt might make her more suspicious than the situation seems to warrant. You seem like you've solved most of the issue by going sober. I'd probably just reiterate to this girl you're HAPPILY married and nothing will happen. If she's an adult and respects that, she won't try and push you further
In terms of what to do I probably wouldn't tell your wife. Even if you explain that nothing actually happened, the perception of guilt might make her more suspicious than the situation seems to warrant. You seem like you've solved most of the issue by going sober. I'd probably just reiterate to this girl you're HAPPILY married and nothing will happen. If she's an adult and respects that, she won't try and push you further
RumbleHumble
Banned
THIS X 1,000,000.
RumbleHumble
Banned
But seriously, tell your wife. Being upfront is ALWAYS better than someone else (like Anna) letting her know down the line. Meanwhile if you can't cut Anna out of your life, never hang with her when she tells you she's "lonely" or looking for company. It's a bad sign.
Lastly, maybe go back to marriage counseling! It helped once, maybe it can help again!
Lastly, maybe go back to marriage counseling! It helped once, maybe it can help again!
RageWaffles
Member
Cut Anna out of your life. Let her know why, if you want, then never respond to her texts or anything ever again. Ever.
Tell your wife what was going on. (It's far better that she hear about it from you, rather than risking her hearing about it from Anna.) Emphasize how important she is and how much you value your relationship (assuming she is and you do).
Tell your wife what was going on. (It's far better that she hear about it from you, rather than risking her hearing about it from Anna.) Emphasize how important she is and how much you value your relationship (assuming she is and you do).
As a married man, if you didn't touch Anna, don't say shit, especially if your marriage was on shaky ground to begin with. If you want to tell her anything, tell her you have a substance abuse problem that you want to take care of and you need her help.