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How Long Could You Stay In Love-Less Marriage?

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BojTrek

Banned
I have been married for 3 years and have a 1 year old daughter...

My wife shows me no love or affection... this is not nothing new, this was prior to our baby.

What sucks, our daughter is unbelievable, she is perfect... but I get no love from my wife...

I have been thinking about divorce for 2 weeks... I am miserable...

It stems back to her father showing no love to her mother...

A peck on the cheek is all we give each other at night and in the morning... great!

It is not fair for my daughter to grow up in a divorced family. She does not deserve that!

So, where do I turn? A marriage specialist? A girlfriend?
 

DarienA

The black man everyone at Activision can agree on
My wife shows my no love or affection... this is not nothing new, this was prior to our baby.

...not being funny... but if the above is the case... how did you two have a child together?
 

Mama Smurf

My penis is still intact.
Plenty of kids grow up fine in a divorced marriage, I know some and I'm sure there are people here from that situation.

Of course, plenty of people don't grow up fine, it all depends on the situation. That's true for people growing up with married parents too though, especially if the marriage is loveless. The kid will pick up on it, that's for sure.

While I'm not going to tell you one way or the other what to do, if you find you really can't sort it out with your wife, I'm not sure you should stay together. After all, do you want your daughter to grow up like her mother?
 

DarienA

The black man everyone at Activision can agree on
BojTrek said:
Enough bitchin' on how you are not getting any... finally works...

My father never showed any affection to my mother while I was growing up(that I saw). My father is a very distant person. However I do have 2 younger sisters(we are all about 6-7 yrs apart) so take that for what it is worth. Now that the 3 of us are all grown up and moved out, he announced to my mother one day that he was leaving. To make a long story short we moved her down with us. (She's staying with my sisters) and he lives, where he lives. My mom is now the happiest I've seen her in years. I personally think it's better to separate than live together for X number of years unhappy.

As long as once you both separate you both continue to show the child the love and affection they deserve I don't see the problem with going that route, especially if you are both unhappy in the current situation.
 

DaCocoBrova

Finally bought a new PSP, but then pushed the demon onto someone else. Jesus.
Do you talk?

Not to sound cliche-ish, but communication will solve most things.

Tell her your concerns.

How do you feel about her? Are you attracted to her? Is she to you?

How much time do you two spend w/ one another (no kid)?
 

Doth Togo

Member
Go to marriage counseling. It's not expensive, a lot of people do it and it works. Call your doctor and ask if he can recommend a specialist. Most major insurance carriers cover a large percentage of the cost, if not all of it.

Good luck.

:beer
 

DaCocoBrova

Finally bought a new PSP, but then pushed the demon onto someone else. Jesus.
I've never been married, but look forward to doing it (right). Sudden changes in the other person is one of the things that scares me most though, since it's something that you have no real control over.

IIRC you're faithful to her, even when given the opportunity to do otherwise. Do what you need to do in order to salvage this if you love her.

Divorce = quitting

Unless she's strung out on something, a raging nympho or something extreme like that, you should not even contemplate getting a divorce. But if you do go that route, do so before the child knows what's going on.
 

Zilch

Banned
DaCocoBrova said:
I've never been married, but look forward to doing it (right). Sudden changes in the other person is one of the things that scares me most though, since it's something that you have no real control over.

IIRC you're faithful to her, even when given the opportunity to do otherwise. Do what you need to do in order to salvage this if you love her.

Divorce = quitting

Unless she's strung out on something, a raging nympho or something extreme like that, you should not even contemplate getting a divorce. But if you do go that route, do so before the child knows what's going on.

I endorse this post.
 

Mama Smurf

My penis is still intact.
Wait now, some people do indeed get divorced far too quickly, but generally it's not quitting. She doesn't have to be some extreme case for him to get divorced. If there's no love between them, it may well be better for both them and the child if they split up.
 

shuri

Banned
BojTrek said:
My wife shows me no love or affection... this is not nothing new, this was prior to our baby.

6b.jpg

Dr Phil turns toward the audience and ask "...Then why did the fuck did you get married in the first place?"
 
Doth Togo said:
Go to marriage counseling. It's not expensive, a lot of people do it and it works. Call your doctor and ask if he can recommend a specialist. Most major insurance carriers cover a large percentage of the cost, if not all of it.

Good luck.

:beer

This is your best chance, and I would start ASAP. Especially if you're thinking about divorce already. I wouldn't try and work things out on your own. There are too many emotions involved, and it could make her resent you.

Good luck.
 

BojTrek

Banned
No I have to work on it... we just have no affection toward each other. I don't show because I never get it. So why keep trying..

We went to a counselor a while back but stopped because things were cool... and they still are cool...

We are like friends, I told her that last night... we just show no love... not fun!
 

DSN2K

Member
If your going to leave, do it now before your daughter is old enough to hate you.


my advice tell her how you feel, and I mean all of it.
 

Tritroid

Member
BojTrek said:
I should wear a mask in bed of her best friend... maybe?
No. But perhaps you should look into the actual relationship between her and this 'best friend'.

Then contact Cheaters so we can all watch the drama unfold.
 

DCX

DCX
DSN2K said:
If your going to leave, do it now before your daughter is old enough to hate you.


my advice tell her how you feel, and I mean all of it.
That's what i did...almost the same situation. I resented my mother for staying with dad because i didn't she the love, they didn't belong together and even though i grew up fine i also set guidelines for myself for whenever i got married that i would never do what they did and i didn't i bailed after two and a half year...i have been gone since Jan and even though it's been hard money wise, i KNOW i made the right decision...my daughter is going to be two in Nov and she is very happy and uneffected...so far, we have split/joint custody and everything is going good. I could have seen myself staying because of many reasons except the most important one...LOVE. I didn't have it, she didn't show it...done deal.

I'm not telling you to leave, but if you know in your heart of hearts that this cannot be fixed ( from the heart not some false sense of change...i didn't bring things to her attention because i know she would "try" to change but it's not genuine...chnage should always come within...) then you have to do what's best for you and your daughter's future.


DCX
 

Saturnman

Banned
BojTrek said:
I have been married for 3 years and have a 1 year old daughter...

My wife shows me no love or affection... this is not nothing new, this was prior to our baby.

What sucks, our daughter is unbelievable, she is perfect... but I get no love from my wife...

I have been thinking about divorce for 2 weeks... I am miserable...

It stems back to her father showing no love to her mother...

A peck on the cheek is all we give each other at night and in the morning... great!

It is not fair for my daughter to grow up in a divorced family. She does not deserve that!

So, where do I turn? A marriage specialist? A girlfriend?

Slightly OT...

Bojtrek, aren't you the same poster with the weird cop friend?

An update on that story would be cool too. :D
 

open_mouth_

insert_foot_
Before you divorce, try everything you can to try to make it work because you must've been attracted to her at one point and had some kind of love (even if it was weak) to have married her and had a child. Try to rekindle the passion and make her want you more. I dunno, try taking her out some place nice or doing something especially romantic. Dress nicely and treat her like your queen. If that still doesn't work, then sure, you may be in trouble.

but at least try it first. Don't just give up... for your sake, your wife's sake, and your daughter's sake. Having two loving parents is immensely important for a child's development, imo.
 
BojTrek said:
It is not fair for my daughter to grow up in a divorced family. She does not deserve that!
As a child of parents who finally divorced (when I was 20), and where there are many many happy step-parents and -children in my extended family, I've got to say I think divorce is overdemonized. What was more awkward for me was the way my parents would go through warm and cool cycles for as long as I could remember. I've gained a lot in the process, too. I've now got a new little half-brother and a step-brother.
 

DCX

DCX
JoshuaJSlone said:
As a child of parents who finally divorced (when I was 20), and where there are many many happy step-parents and -children in my extended family, I've got to say I think divorce is overdemonized. What was more awkward for me was the way my parents would go through warm and cool cycles for as long as I could remember. I've gained a lot in the process, too. I've now got a new little half-brother and a step-brother.
Amen to that...

DCX
 

SKluck

Banned
Whatever you do, do it now. Don't let it drag out. Either split, or work on it. If you just try to ignore it and live together, it will just get worse, and as the kid grows up, she will detect that and it won't be entirely healthy for her.
 

Dan

No longer boycotting the Wolfenstein franchise
I don't have personal experiences with divorce, but I have cousins and close friends who have, and from what I've seen it's the children who either grow up around a poor marriage or a delayed divorce that have many more problems than the ones with parents who divorced earlier on. Any kind of a happy and stable environment is going to be better than one that's on the rocks, regardless of the number of parents or legal guardians involved.

That's not to say you should just up and get out though. I'm just saying, if you reach the point where you don't think it can get better, don't stay in it just for the sake of your child, as that's not actually what's best, from my observations.
 

DarienA

The black man everyone at Activision can agree on
JoshuaJSlone said:
As a child of parents who finally divorced (when I was 20), and where there are many many happy step-parents and -children in my extended family, I've got to say I think divorce is overdemonized. What was more awkward for me was the way my parents would go through warm and cool cycles for as long as I could remember. I've gained a lot in the process, too. I've now got a new little half-brother and a step-brother.

Amen, I'd rather the two people split and potentially find someone else to be happy with, than to be miserable and perhaps subconsciously pass those issues of unhappyness and potentially resentment down to the children.
 
This is why marriage scares me and makes me think that the world would be a better place if it followed nature's cycle. Biologically we're not meant to be with the same mate for our entire life, we're supposed to seek out new mates to spread our seed, right? It should be like car ownership. You buy a car, drive it for a few years (YMMV applies beautifully here), then trade it in for a new model (or maybe a used model that's really dependable). The world would probably be a much happier place.
 

mrmyth

Member
SKluck said:
Whatever you do, do it now. Don't let it drag out. Either split, or work on it. If you just try to ignore it and live together, it will just get worse, and as the kid grows up, she will detect that and it won't be entirely healthy for her.


A-fucking-men. My pops was a deadbeat who wandered in between two families for quite a while. I wished multiple times my mother would just wake the fuck up and cut that shit short. We could all see he was an ass, but she kept giving him chances.


All you people who are recommending he try and save the marriage, I think you're missing out on a very important point. You think you're saving the kid, but the kid will grow up watching her parents just be friends and not in love. She'll come to view it as normal and end up doing the same in her relationships. The wife has already continued the cycle of her upbringing. The point of parenting is to do better than your parents did. If you two need to be apart to be happy, well-adjusted adults, then so be it. That's what your daughter needs to see, not a cordial friendship.


And Demon, that post is spoken like a man who has no children. Even if you are capable of bouncing around women like a caveman, which a lot of people are, its infinitely harder to leave children behind.
 
me and the pc have lived together for so many years now. I rarely receive any love from her but dammit i just can't say no to her.

Curse my internet addiction.

tbh why the hell are u asking GAF?!? But if u are unhappy and have been that way from what looks like 4ever mayb its time to divorce
 

Saturnman

Banned
mrmyth said:
All you people who are recommending he try and save the marriage, I think you're missing out on a very important point. You think you're saving the kid, but the kid will grow up watching her parents just be friends and not in love. She'll come to view it as normal and end up doing the same in her relationships. The wife has already continued the cycle of her upbringing. The point of parenting is to do better than your parents did. If you two need to be apart to be happy, well-adjusted adults, then so be it. That's what your daughter needs to see, not a cordial friendship.

They're recommending that he tries at least. He seems to still love her, she doesn't hate him and a young child is in the picture on top of that. It's worth saving if there's decent hope. If it doesn't work than he can consider divorce. Is it really unreasonable?
 

darscot

Member
Get a mistress and never let your family know about it. It happens when you have kids, its completely normal. Don't be so damn selfish why ruin your wife and daughters life because your not getting enough attention.
 
mrmyth said:
And Demon, that post is spoken like a man who has no children. Even if you are capable of bouncing around women like a caveman, which a lot of people are, its infinitely harder to leave children behind.

Yea, I'll concede that. But that's another issue that people abuse--having children. It's like so many people just have a kid because that's the thing to do, and end up neglecting (or in the worst cases leaving behind) the child. Many don't understand the sacrifices necessary to raise a child, and still continue to try to live their single lifestyle when they have children.
 

Mama Smurf

My penis is still intact.
DJ Demon J said:
This is why marriage scares me and makes me think that the world would be a better place if it followed nature's cycle. Biologically we're not meant to be with the same mate for our entire life, we're supposed to seek out new mates to spread our seed, right? It should be like car ownership. You buy a car, drive it for a few years (YMMV applies beautifully here), then trade it in for a new model (or maybe a used model that's really dependable). The world would probably be a much happier place.

There are animals who find a mate for life too you know.

If you stayed together and were unhappy, you'd likely try and hide the unhappiness from your daughter. It probably wouldn't work though. There was a documentary on the BBC not that long ago about the development of children (we have lots of them I'm not sure which one it was. Child Of Our Time probably). They see how different children react to things, and at one point this little girl (5 maybe) was feeling sad, but wouldn't admit it and out of nowhere said, "You're supposed to hide it when you're sad". Unsurprisingly, her parents were unhappy in their marriage, but trying to make it work for their daughter.

It was really sad to see a girl of 5 hiding her feelings because that's what she's picked up from her parents. Just don't let that happen with you.
 

SKluck

Banned
I think everyone should be sterilized, but not before getting a couple eggs/sperm from them.

They have to take a test, and when they do they get access to their eggs or sperm to create a child, artificial insemination of someone's own eggs into her own body.

Though STDs would probably spread like wildfire because people no longer worry about pregnancy.

No one is suggesting to stay together just for the kid. Find out what the problem is, why did they get married in the first place? Convenience? Was there never any love to begin with? In that case, there is nothing even salvageable. But if there ever was love, then its not impossible to "rekindle the flame".

Regardless, continuing on this path is going to fuck your kid up, and you don't want that. She needs to see a happy family, whether that is with her dad and stepmom, or mom and stepdad. Not to say she wouldn't turn out perfectly fine with single parents, but the highest potential is with a healthy nuclear family.
 

mrmyth

Member
DJ Demon J said:
Yea, I'll concede that. But that's another issue that people abuse--having children. It's like so many people just have a kid because that's the thing to do, and end up neglecting (or in the worst cases leaving behind) the child. Many don't understand the sacrifices necessary to raise a child, and still continue to try to live their single lifestyle when they have children.


My daughter wasn't planned. (Or, in the lingo of the times she born, I got 'caught up'.) My son was a carefully calculated decision.
My daughter has a different mother, one who thought she had a ball-n-chain on me once the baby got here. I moved on because it wasn't a relationship, it was me being leeched. She's since found a sheltered college student, had one baby, made marriage plans that his parents talked him out of, got pregnant again, and finally coerced him into getting married in a civil ceremony in a jewelry store with 50 other couples. She's pregnant yet again, my daughter tells me. That marriage is doomed to fail once he grows a set, and those kids are screwed. I've been busily instilling the notion in my daughter that she doesn't have to have children just to combat what she sees her mother do. So I have firsthand experience with baby factories, and yet I still think marriage is a good idea. Like all ideas, though, its lovely when it works, and crappy when it doesn't.
 

darscot

Member
The only reason people have unwanted or surprise children is because their stupid. Something like 90% of women say their first child was planned and only 10% of men feel the same way. What does that tell you? Weak men piss me off. You pick your wife based on being a mother to your children not a wife to you. It makes me sick hearing all these men snivel that there wife doesn't give them enough attention.
 
An unplanned child in a marriage is fine, as long as you're a man and pony up to your responsibilities and make the necessary sacrifices. It's just a mindset change that many people in this world aren't prepared for; some learn to deal with it, others never will. That mindset is: once you get married, and later have a child, life is not about just you anymore. It sounds simple, but many people deep down still continue to think about #1 above all else.
 
If you do decide to go the divorce route you want to protect your finances as much as possible. The thought of loss makes people do things you wouldn't suspect. While this doesn't apply to you specifically you want to take some of the things you can out of this

DY: Joel, you are The Man on the credit card discussion board. How did you get so smart about this stuff?

JC: Well... first, I don't consider myself an expert on credit cards or consumer credit. My chosen field of expertise is computer programming; but I've always had an interest in law and finance. But a personal financial crisis helped focus some of that interest toward my own personal finances.

My employer sent me to Santa Barbara, Calif. for a few months in 1990 to work on a project. With my wife's assistance, we had managed to max out all of our credit cards (about $10,000 to $12,000), and we were living paycheck to paycheck. The weekend before I left, my wife asked if she could start a new diet program. I told her we could think about it after I got back in a few months.

The next weekend all the bills I had written bounced and our joint checking account had been cleaned out by a sizable check to Jenny Craig. I was left stranded in Santa Barbara without any money for living expenses and no way to cover those bounced checks. That experience started a long search for a way to get a handle on our finances.

That event inspired me to look for ways to isolate the damage done to our finances and protect our assets and my credit from her mistakes.

DY: Sadly, at its core, that's a very common scenario.

JC: You have to understand that dealing with these issues can be a double-edged sword. It can go a long way to protecting your sanity; but it can also appear as a sign of distrust between you and your spouse.

In general only the more responsible spouse really has anything to worry about; but when a relationship is young, it's difficult to know which of you that's going to be. For that reason, everyone should take a defensive position with his or her finances. Familiarize yourself with the debt-collection laws available in your state of residence. It can be especially helpful because if things go seriously wrong with your spouse's finances, you need to know what rights you have to protect yourself and your assets.

DY: What should couples who have wildly different credit scores (and ideas about managing money, for that matter), do to, as you say, isolate the damage as well as work toward improving their credit situation?

JC: First, your credit report is entirely your own, so keep it that way. It may sound harsh, but whenever possible, don't allow your spouse to hold joint liability accounts with you. This may even include your home if you can afford it on just one income. Even if you don't suspect your spouse of bad financial management, it's probably best to keep debts separate so your credit won't become impaired if a problem arises.

Also, don't add each other as "authorized users" to your accounts. That way, one person's mistakes don't show up as the other's mistakes as well.

If you live in a community property state like Texas where I live, everything you own is also your spouse's, even the property solely titled in your name. (There are exceptions to this rule, such as anything given as a gift or inheritance and property obtained before marriage if not commingled.)

If you live in a community property state, your assets are exposed to satisfy a spouse's obligations; but your credit rating is not. That means my spouse's creditors can sue my spouse, but not me. They can seize our assets, but not my income, and just as importantly, they cannot (legally) affect my credit rating no matter how that turns out. The downside to this is that not all creditors and not all collection agencies understand this and sometimes the confrontations can get nasty.

DY: What about mismatched couples -- credit-wise, at least -- who want to show their "togetherness" financially?

JC: It is possible to jointly own property with a spouse that's financially irresponsible -- as long as you can trust them not to borrow against that property without your knowledge. In fact, it can be desirable for estate planning purposes. Joint ownership with rights of survivorship is a very useful means of ensuring that a piece of real estate or a bank account passes automatically to your spouse when you die.

In just about every state, such ownership avoids probate court because your share in the asset terminates when you do.

DY: Let's talk about credit reports. Lately people have gotten a lot smarter about FICO scores and the lot. But there's still some confusion. What are some of the big misconceptions you encounter on the discussion boards?

JC: People seem to think that credit scores know something about your income. They don't. The only times your income gets updated on your report is when you add that information or when your lender does -- and your lender rarely does. Because the information isn't timely, credit scores cannot rely on income when trying to determine creditworthiness. Besides, your income probably isn't a very good measure of whether or not you're a deadbeat.

Most people that know anything about the system at all understand that not all credit bureaus have the same information; but most people don't understand that not all credit scores use the same formula. Each credit bureau offers their own version of a credit score -- of which FICO is just one -- and they also may offer legacy-scoring models to various lenders. To complicate matters further, if you order a 3-in-1 credit report with scores, you'll get scores calculated by whatever scoring model is used by the credit bureau that owns the company that's selling you the 3-in-1 report. That score may differ from the scores you would get if you ordered your reports separately.

Finally, people dwell too much on just a couple of points on a credit score. A couple of points is not usually that important. As long as you have a score that's high enough to get you the best rate or a targeted rate, additional points on your score buy you nothing else -- and that's the entire point of knowing and trying to manage your score.

DY: Another thing people are surprised to learn is how many entities are using the credit scoring system to base all sorts of business decisions -- like insurance premiums or even employment.

JC: Yes. Everyone seems to be checking your credit these days. My state has been debating this issue with insurance for several years now and only recently came up with guidelines on how your credit history can be used in relation to your insurance premiums. Basically, the only item they excluded is obligations involving medical providers, though I'm not sure how they can tell that from your credit report.

This isn't all bad though. My own homeowner's insurance renewal premiums went down almost $300 this year because this is the first year my insurance company has considered my good credit score.

DY: Since individuals don't have access to the credit scoring system every different business employs, I've come to the conclusion that it's really not the score that matters so much as the underlying information that is used to calculate it. People would be better served by confirming the individual entries on their credit report card.

JC: As many people know, credit reports are often full of mistakes or outright lies. What many people don't understand is that creditors aren't obligated to say anything at all on your credit report. This can be a huge negotiating asset or a huge liability, depending on whether or not you're trying to build credit or to rebuild it.

DY: Really, how often do you think people should investigate their credit situation -- order their credit reports/scores? The industry says once a year. The media writing stories about identity theft and the like make you think that we should check it right now because everyone is out to get you. I think the industry scare tactics are a way to drum up business. But I'm a big conspiracy theorist.

JC: Gosh, that's a tough one. If they were free and available online, I'd say twice a month. But once a year should be frequent enough to catch most mistakes before they cost you a lot of money. Of course, if you own your home outright and are independently wealthy, retired, and never plan to owe anyone again, you can probably afford to ignore your credit report altogether. Even if someone tries to steal your identity, they'd have to sue you to really make it your problem.

As for the industry scare tactics, you're probably right -- they're overblown. But you also probably don't want to hear my theory on why the entire industry is based on a fundamentally criminal premise....

DY: Oh, yes I do! But let's take this offline so I can turn it into another column.

All the "Who shot JFK?" stuff aside, a lot of Fool readers are like me -- in credit La La Land. I have a fine credit score (which I plan to reveal publicly very soon) and no immediate plans to switch credit cards, borrow money for a home, or get a new job. What should someone like me be doing credit-wise?

JC: Nothing. Pay your bills on time, pay off your debts as fast as you realistically can, and check your credit report periodically for mistakes.

It's not rocket science. Most people have good credit precisely because they're not doing anything wrong. It's the occasional stupid mistake or misconceptions that usually cost people money.

DY: You see the very best and the very tragic on the Credit Discussion board. Name names. Tell me what you find inspirational on that board.

JC: Oh gosh. Confession time, eh? The board is really big on what we call Happy Dances. Many of the board members are trying to recover from bad habits and deep debt and seeing others celebrate their successes inspires them to continue with their plans.

I've been there, too -- had a lot of debt and worked my way out of it. But what inspires me the most are stories about someone leveraging the system or using the system knowledgeably to their advantage. Because of that, I have to say the most inspirational person to me on the Consumer Credit board has probably been xraymd. Her apparently analytical understanding and creative use of credit has been nothing short of impressive to me.
 

Willco

Hollywood Square
My mom is on her third marriage. My father is still enjoying his second marriage. My half-brother looks nothing like me and my half-sister is black. I know a thing or two about divorces and some of the advice in this thread is retarded.

For those who don't know, if you're in a bad marriage, a lot of couples think that having a baby will enhance their marriage or make it all better. That "it" (that special thing that was missing) is something that can easily be conceived.

Continuing the marriage, one that seems to be without love anymore, is not going to hurt or "fuck up the kid" as so many dolts in this thread have suggested. Bad marriages don't necessarily equate to bad environments unless you guys are constantly arguing and/or violent, and if that's the case I'd suggest you terminate your relationship with your wife. If every couple were to split up after differences or any kind of emotional problem, I'd gather we'd have a divorce rate of 200%.

A lot of kids use divorce as a crutch to lean on for being stupid, socially dysfunctional or emotionally weird. We've created a whole generation of dumb kids who watch Dr. Phil and feel their entitled to their own mini-life crisis because their parents couldn't work it out. And again, unless your parents are violent drunks or dicks that don't love you, if you act like this -- you are a retard. A way to prevent this? Don't let you or your wife's problems get in the way of doing routine parental crap, like going to school rehearsals, games and stuff like that.

Regardless of any marital situation, good parents should always love their child and nothing should (and probably will after reading your first post) stop that. I wish you the best of luck on whatever avenue you pursue, be it therapy or divorce. If it's the latter, then I think that's a carefully made decision you've got to make, because it's your life and only you can decide how to live your life. Sure, your kid is dependent on your well-being, but that doesn't mean you have to be miserable and the likelihood of there being some kind or parental hiccup due to intimacy/emotional problems increases the longer your marital problems ensue.
 

SKluck

Banned
If a child lives with a family where there is no love between the parents, he or she will not not how to facilitate a healthy and/or loving relationship with another person (or spouse). It's likely they will develop a very warped version of what a relationship should be.

I'm not speaking in absolutes, there are none. I can only speak from my own experience and MOST LIKELY scenarios. God knows I was fucked up for a long while.
 
Whatever you do my advice to you is to do the right thing.

My parents divorced when i was 6 my dad then disappeared and i didn't hear from him again until early last year. Last time i saw him was in the 80s so i don't really know the guy, but he's my dad i guess.

My teenage years were the most painful years of my life, i went through 3 step dads... they gave me hell and i gave them hell....:D

When i think about it my life was fucked during the divorce.

Whetever you do, make sure your little girl comes first and doesn't end up like i did or most of the kids out there who went through painful times during their parents divorce.
 

Mama Smurf

My penis is still intact.
My parents are married and don't seem happy. I feel it's fucked me up some. Not badly, but I've never been in love, find it hard to be close to people etc.

So guess what? People have different opinions, all of which can be sound. Doesn't make them dolts, you twat ;)
 

dem

Member
Thank god I have the best parents ever. I don't think I've ever even seen them fight before.


translation: HA HA
 

Mama Smurf

My penis is still intact.
Spelling? Let's think.

The only reason people have unwanted or surprise children is because their stupid.

Yes. Rape and contraceptive failure never happen.

You pick your wife based on being a mother to your children not a wife to you.

...

Get a mistress and never let your family know about it. It happens when you have kids, its completely normal.

...I don't even know how to respond to these!
 

darscot

Member
First if you want to raise a child of rape thats your choice. I belief in a womens right to choose. If you can't operate a condom sorry but that qualifies you as stupid in my book. Also the morning after pill for those that couldn't manage the condom.

As long as your wife is a good mother she is a great wife. That's my opinion. Not being your love slave is not grounds for divorce.

The last statement is really two that seem to have combined. I don't have a problem if a man needs to go get some, outside of marriage as long as he dosen't hurt his family. You get caught and ruin your wife and childrens life your an idiot.

The it happens when you have kids is a refernce to the halt of a relationship with your wife as both of you have to form the strongest most difficult relationship with your child. So you get the back seat get used to it.

Also you will notice that Idiot is spelled Idot in my tag. This is reference to my poor spelling. If your going to try and use it at least understand it. I have edited this post multiple times and the spelling and grammer are still probable wrong, that's what makes me the Idot member. Get it?
 

bishoptl

Banstick Emeritus
Hey man, I wanted to sit down and think hard about an answer before posting, so bear with me.

I don't know your situation - by that I mean that I'm only hearing your side and not hers. That said, I'll echo a piece of advice that others have already said - no matter what decision you and your wife come to in regards to your marriage, ensure that no matter what, both of you put your daughter's welfare and happiness first. That means no badmouthing the other parent in front of her - even when you really really want to. Always letting her know that even though her mom and dad don't live together, it does not mean that either of you love her one iota less. Kids are like sponges - they'll pick up on the disharmony and lack of affection in a household no matter how you may try to hide it, and that is not doing her any favoursk, not now nor in the long run when she wants to establish her own relationships. She'll use the two of you as a template, and it's up to you to decide what sort of example you want to set with her. Divorce isn't necessarily quitting, if the emotion isn't there and more importantly, it isn't coming back.

I went through an insanely rough patch last summer, to the point where I had to separate myself from my gf before I lost my mind. Having an unexpected child and relationship is a huge responsibility, and getting my head around that last aspect - my life is no longer just my own, but part of something bigger - scared the living shit out of me. It wasn't until I sat down on my own and finally made peace with the new direction in my life that I realized what I really wanted. It sounds funny, but it was like a dam breaking in my head, and everything good came rushing through...because I finally made the decision for myself as opposed to feeling like I was pushed into things beyond my control. Sure, we have our ups and downs like every other couple, but my frame of reference is so different from where it once was, I've got a solid foundation with her to work with. It's a good feeling, but I had to fight with myself to get to this point.

It sounds like you both need different things - and it's possible that with counselling and a real willingness to work on both sides, you can salvage this with her and work things through. If you give it an honest effort and it's not working, though, you owe it to everyone involved - your daughter, your wife, and yourself - to transition into a place where you can demonstrate your love for your little one while providing the freedom for both of you to find that relationship you really need.

Best of luck. I mean that.
 

Mama Smurf

My penis is still intact.
First if you want to raise a child of rape thats your choice. I belief in a womens right to choose.

But if you're raped and don't agree with abortion, you're screwed. Some women don't see that they're pregnant for a long time too (I don't know how that works exactly, just that they don't).

If you can't operate a condom sorry but that qualifies you as stupid in my book. Also the morning after pill for those that couldn't manage the condom.

Do you have any idea what you're on about? Condoms aren't full proof. Hell, condoms and the woman being on the pill at the same time isn't full proof. And how many girls take the morning after pill if they used contraception?

As long as your wife is a good mother she is a great wife. That's my opinion. Not being your your love slave is not grounds for divorce.

Bloody hell, do you think those are the choices? I would never, ever get married to a woman just because I think she would be a good mother. And as I want kids, I wouldn;t marry a woman just because she'd be a good wife. I'd marry someone who I think would be both. And even if you did pick a wife because you think she'd be good to your children, it doesn't mean she would be.

The last statement is really two that seem to have combined. I don't have a problem if a man needs to go get some, outside of marriage as long as he dosen't hurt his family. You get caught and ruin your wife and childrens life your an idiot.

Are you joking? Even if I didn't find it morally disgusting, how could you possibly guarantee that you'd never get caught?

Also you will notice that Idiot is spelled Idot in my tag. This is reference to my poor spelling. If your going to try and use it at least understand it.

I know what it's in reference to, I remember the thread, but as I find you to be an idiot and your tag is Idot Member, it seemed appropriate to use it.
 
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