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[Darkmakaimura]

I'm extremely on edge in the past few days have been a nightmare. My father's health is deteriorating and I can't even get him to sit up and have a normal meal in his bed or even a cup of coffee.

He's urinating and shiting all over himself. The dog has diarrhea and is also shitting all over the place to top things off and to add insult to injury.

I can barely understand my father now.

He's in in home hospice but they only have a CNA here once a day for 1 hour and beyond that they cannot help. I am above and beyond my limit at this point. I only have one place to live and it is here with my dad so if he goes into a home I'm fucked but at the same time I'm finding it almost impossible to take care of him for the last week.

All the cleaning all the messes and all the moanings and groanings and barely understanding words.

Right now I just want him to have a cup of coffee. I didn't force it on them. I asked him if he wanted one and he said yes and that was a half hour ago and it's taking more than a half hour to try to get him up just to have coffee.

There's a lot more to it and a lot more than just that what happened over the past four or five days and it's stressing me out.

 

[Darkmakaimura]

I told him I can't just sit there and wait as he lies in bed while I try to help him with a cup of coffee. I had to take the coffee away and put him back into bed all the way and cover him up.

He's talking about ceremonies of which I have no idea what he's referring to. I know he's on liquid morphine so I'm wondering if he's getting a little whacked out due to that or if his mind is finally just deteriorating.

This is frustrating and frightening to say the least.

 

[Insane Metal]

I'm sorry to hear what you're going through. But think of how bad this situation is for him as well. I bet he's not happy about it either. I know it's not easy but try to take care of your old man. I mean he's on morphine so he's probably suffering a lot.

 

[bitbydeath]

Make sure you get out on your own for walks each day to clear your head. It will help declutter your brain and reduce stress.

Hang in there.

 

[Darkmakaimura]

I'm sorry to hear what you're going through. But think of how bad this situation is for him as well. I bet he's not happy about it either. I know it's not easy but try to take care of your old man. I mean he's on morphine so he's probably suffering a lot.

Of course. I'm not selfish and I absolutely and 100% do. I'm actually trying to help him. I asked him if he wanted a cup of coffee not the other way around because I know he likes coffee around this time. I have done nothing but try to help him out in many circumstances and I'm sorry to get into TMI but just yesterday I had to clean him up completely. That means wiping his ass, picking up his poop and cleaning up his pee because he couldn't make it to the toilet in time.

I'm obviously not ashamed to mention this because he is old and disabled and what else am I going to be able to do.

I cannot leave this house for more than a few hours at a time and it's usually to do shopping.

And thanks, I lost my best friend over an unrelated situation. I don't even know why he doesn't want to hang out with me anymore but he just decided I'm not worth his time or effort anymore. Probably because he thinks I don't have a job which is hilarious since I care take from my father which is about as a big of a job as one can have.. meanwhile, this bum of a friend of mine subleases his apartment and that's his job. He barely works 12 hours a month.

And his girlfriend, who pretty much supports him, does palm readings over the phone and internet. That's her fucking job.

The last two or three years have been a fucking nightmare for me and I've been nothing but completely lonely and paranoid and scared and anxious and depressed.

 

[12Goblins]

are you not able to send him to a hospice house? I work in health care and I know the stresses of caregiving for someone like your father are too complicated and overwhelming for one person

 

[blastprocessor]

In the UK we had to send Dad to hospice care. Nurses took care of him during his time there. It just came to the point we couldn't help him at home as he'd got to a point, he couldn't move himself. Morphine can have some unfortunate side effects depending on the dose, where some of the things being said don't make sense, especially if they are terminal and imminent. Strength to you, l know it's a difficult time.

 

[RoadHazard]

Sorry to hear about your situation. You're very strong to be handling it as well as your are. Don't know what else to say except keep fighting, you're being extremely selfless.

 

[Northeastmonk]

What does his will say? Did he have some advance directive? Could you speak to a doctor and have him put in in-patient hospice? You can’t be pushed passed your limits. Maybe speak these concerns to someone. It sounds like you need to focus on getting on your feet for the inevitable. I’ve done my will and I have life insurance for my family. It’s hard. I have dealt with sick grandparents who lived with us as a kid.

 

[Darkmakaimura]

are you not able to send him to a hospice house? I work in health care and I know the stresses of caregiving for someone like your father are too complicated and overwhelming for one person

I only have one place to live and it is here with my dad so if he goes into a home I'm fucked but at the same time I'm finding it almost impossible to take care of him for the last week.

 

[Celcius]

Sorry to hear you're going through that OP. My parents are in their 60's and sometimes I wonder what I'm going to do when they get to that point.

 

[JBat]

Sorry to hear you're going through this. My dad passed last year from cancer and hospice was a God send. Those people have my utmost respect for the care they gave him. Especially their compassion during COVID. I know it's fucking expensive but hospice house might be worth looking into if it's at all possible. It would have been impossible for any one member of my family to give him the care he needed toward the end. I hope you and your dad find peace.

 

[SEGA_2012]

Sorry to hear about your situation.
I hope things get better for you .

 

[SirTerry-T]

Sorry to hear this mate, are there no extended family members who can offer you some help and respite? Friends of your Father or neighbours?

Any local charity organisations or your country's equivalent of the U.K's McMillan cancer support (if that's his illness) or Dementia support groups that can help ?

 

[Darkmakaimura]

It just happened.

He fell on the bathroom floor and I had to call 911.

 

[John Marston]

When my mom was diagnosed with dementia I had a great support system which helped me choose a proper nursing home for her.
They are professionals who treated my mom with love & respect until the end.

As much as you care at this point you are not equipped to care for your father. You will also burn yourself out.

Get some outside help ASAP.

 

[Ash Sparrow]

Sorry to hear this. Respect for hanging in there and caring. Sends prayers.

 

[Skyfox]

Maybe he was asking for Last Rites when talking about ceremonies.

Keep us updated and maybe share your location in case anyone familiar here can advise on local or national organisations that can help you.

My own parents and in laws have this coming soon and I have no clue because no one seems to talk about the realities.

 

[SafeOrAlone]

Dude, that sounds like a nightmare, frankly. I don’t look forward to my father’s health deteriorating. I wish I could offer more than my sympathies.

I really feel for you and your dad right now.

 

[AJUMP23]

When my mom was going through Alzheimer's I hired a company called Home Instead to come in and help her out with meals and shopping. They did a good job. I don't know what your financial situation is. But it allowed her to live at home,

At the time it cost me about $25 an hour for their help.

 

[Madflavor]

Please let us know how you're doing, I'm sure last night got a lot tougher after his fall. Please hang in there. You're going through a really tough time right now, but please keep reminding yourself that this challenging time of your life is temporary, and it will get better. Just take things one day at time, be strong when necessary, but also allow time for yourself. I went through my own trauma in the past year and believe me, taking some time for yourself to destress and relax is incredibly important. You can't carry all that weight constantly.

I don't know your dad, but if he loves you, then I'm sure if he was clear of mind he would want you to take care of yourself.

 

[12Goblins]

"I only have one place to live and it is here with my dad so if he goes into a home I'm fucked but at the same time I'm finding it almost impossible to take care of him for the last week."

Wym you are fucked if he goes into a home?

 

[dem]

You can't handle him anymore. There is no shame in that. He needs proper care.
You need to hire someone, or move him into a care home.

Don't take care of him just cause you need a place to live. You will figure that out.

 

[Darkmakaimura]

So the CNA woke me up at 7:00 a.m. this morning. I'm not sure if he's saying this out of confusion but it sounds like he fell a second time and I did not hear it while I was asleep and listening to white noise.

Then again he's so out of it he could be mistaken for when he fell the first time and I called 911 to get him into bed. He's already skipped a couple doses of medications it seems.

There's a regular nurse coming over today too to check everything over.

But if the last four or five days continue the way they are I'm going to be very lost in what to do and I'm going to at least need a lot of help from someone which is seemingly not possible.

 

[DKPOWPOW]

My friend, I know this is a difficult situation. I have been there. And it's a difficult decision to make, when you are not able to safely care for a loved one.

But it's a decision made for the benefit of that family member, and not yourself. I'm not sure what country you are in, but I know in USA you have a choice regarding hospice.

If the care provider is not helping enough you should have options to switch, or find a home for him to continue hospice. You can speak with the health insurance he has and see what other alternatives you have.

If that does not work and you are left no other options, you can take him off hospice. Send him to the hospital afterwards. The doctor will likely call you regarding hospice while he is in the ER. Then you can work with a social worker at the hospital to resume hospice and find a better situation for the both of you.

It seems you have to make a decision not just for him but yourself. And as father myself I know I would not want my son in harm's way just so he can take of me while I am dying. I would want him around obviously, when he can. But most of all I would him to be okay, and be able to take care of himself first and foremost.

I think you need to put yourself in a situation where you can survive, and still be there for your dad. I am sure you can find a way, but you need a little time to yourself to figure this out.

It's a very stressful situation, and it's easy to be blinded by everything that's going on. Take it easy on yourself, you are doing the best you can.

 

[Trunx81]

After 7 years with a child that doesn’t talk, still shits itself and needs attention 24/7, I know how tired one is feeling after this kind of “job”. If you can’t do it anymore, seek help. There always is!

 

[Darkmakaimura]

I appreciate all the advice and thank you very much for responding. Again, I hope this is short-lived and this is just a phase. This has happened before with him.

Right now I'm still waiting for the nurse to show up to see what she is going to do or what she recommends.

 

[AlteredForms]

Damn son, I don't want to come across as insensitive, but that's your father. Assuming he was a good one, he brought you into this world and raised you, now it's time to return the love and favour. Get some family support and share the work with a sibling or something.

 

[Ozzy Onya A2Z]

Darkmakaimura

Hang in there. Tough times, just remember you are going up and down yourself. Let go as quick as things frustrate you. Just do without thinking for now and every couple of hours take time out for yourself. Reach out to any family, government, local people, hospitals, ask a neighbour to keep an ear out etc. Whatever avenues you can find some small wins with friendly and professional assistance, it doesn't all have to be from one place or person or at the same time. Also, if you deal with public service departments I recommend calling or visiting at different times to get different staff to hear your calls for assistance; many react or have different authority levels to help you out more or less.

You're doing your father and family proud. I get the need to vent in a thread away from your home and current family events. Vent away mate, zero judgement here. Just keep at getting assistance and looking after things but you need to communicate with your local services often.

Also get out and walk in nature for a bit. Stretch, breathe and just stroll for 20-30minutes. You'll feel renewed and reset after a cool drink post walk. If there is a window of sun your living space open a window and breath enjoying the sun for 10 minutes. The sun makes you happy, enjoy it daily for a few minutes at least. It will surprise you.

EDIT: Also, morphine can send people really out of this world. The last time I was in hospital I really had out of body type loss of self and mind with morphine and had the nurses change to an alternative, it was over 15+ years ago but I think it was Pethidine or Methodone, something like that. It didn't send me off the charts out of my mind but sorted the pain side fine still. Perhaps that sort of assistance from medical calls or visits will help your dad's presence of mind/self.

 

[EverydayBeast]

Life is about growing old. There’s big money in the aging process with people trying to live forever but that isn’t reality.

 

[AlteredForms]

Life is about growing old. There’s big money in the aging process with people trying to live forever but that isn’t reality.

Yet...

I'm not sure what to make of this whole immortality thing and whether we'll reach it one day.

 

[Darkmakaimura]

This is getting worse and worse.

My father has always been very stubborn and refuses to listen to people.

Today he had a nurse put a cathadar (?) On so he does not have to try and stand up to urinate and he's wearing an adult diaper.

Instructions from all the nurses specifically tell him to stay in bed and not to sit up or even stand up. Especially stand up.

So what does he keep asking me every 2 minutes to do? He asked me to sit him up and sometimes to stand up. Apparently it's because he's in pain or whatever or he has to take a pee or poo but again, when he has to pee he only has to do it and the cathadar.

I'm extremely frustrated. I'm extremely extremely frustrated and I'm alone. I have nobody around me. I have no more friends. All my family lives far away and I barely have any family left so I just don't know what to do.

I am terribly exhausted, both physically and mentally.

 

[RoadHazard]

This is getting worse and worse.

My father has always been very stubborn and refuses to listen to people.

Today he had a nurse put a cathadar (?) On so he does not have to try and stand up to urinate and he's wearing an adult diaper.

Instructions from all the nurses specifically tell him to stay in bed and not to sit up or even stand up. Especially stand up.

So what does he keep asking me every 2 minutes to do? He asked me to sit him up and sometimes to stand up. Apparently it's because he's in pain or whatever or he has to take a pee or poo but again, when he has to pee he only has to do it and the cathadar.

I'm extremely frustrated. I'm extremely extremely frustrated and I'm alone. I have nobody around me. I have no more friends. All my family lives far away and I barely have any family left so I just don't know what to do.

I am terribly exhausted, both physically and mentally.

You have friends here. I know that doesn't really mean much in your current situation and none of us actually know you, but we are here for you to at least get this stuff off your chest.

 

[Darkmakaimura]

You have friends here. I know that doesn't really mean much in your current situation and none of us actually know you, but we are here for you to at least get this stuff off your chest.

Thank you.

Mostly when I bitch and moan, it's about myself. And I've been trying to avoid doing that but this is not about me. Well it is and it isn't. This is a serious situation and I'm very worried and frustrated. I can't handle this especially alone. Especially being physically alone but apparently the nurses are going to be here on a daily basis now at least for the time being because I think they see the writing on the wall.

Of course if he does pass away, this will be about me in a sense I might not have a place to live.

 

[RoadHazard]

Thank you.

Mostly when I bitch and moan, it's about myself. And I've been trying to avoid doing that but this is not about me. Well it is and it isn't. This is a serious situation and I'm very worried and frustrated. I can't handle this especially alone. Especially being physically alone but apparently the nurses are going to be here on a daily basis now at least for the time being because I think they see the writing on the wall.

Of course if he does pass away, this will be about me in a sense I might not have a place to live.

Nurses being there daily sounds good at least, should take some of the weight of your shoulders right?

The rest you'll figure out when you need to. What is the housing arrangement, will they just throw you out once he's not there anymore?

 

[Darkmakaimura]

Nurses being there daily sounds good at least, should take some of the weight of your shoulders right?

The rest you'll figure out when you need to. What is the housing arrangement, will they just throw you out once he's not there anymore?

More than likely because it's a 55 and older housing I live in and since I'm not 55 but I'm taking care of a 50 person who is well over 55, they'll be most likely no issue kicking me out. I've seen them kick out widows.

 

[RoadHazard]

More than likely because it's a 55 and older housing I live in and since I'm not 55 but I'm taking care of a 50 person who is well over 55, they'll be most likely no issue kicking me out. I've seen them kick out widows.

Alright, but surely they won't just do it on the day. You'll find somewhere to live.

 

[Rendered Tangent]

I'm extremely on edge in the past few days have been a nightmare. My father's health is deteriorating and I can't even get him to sit up and have a normal meal in his bed or even a cup of coffee.

He's urinating and shiting all over himself. The dog has diarrhea and is also shitting all over the place to top things off and to add insult to injury.

I can barely understand my father now.

He's in in home hospice but they only have a CNA here once a day for 1 hour and beyond that they cannot help. I am above and beyond my limit at this point. I only have one place to live and it is here with my dad so if he goes into a home I'm fucked but at the same time I'm finding it almost impossible to take care of him for the last week.

All the cleaning all the messes and all the moanings and groanings and barely understanding words.

Right now I just want him to have a cup of coffee. I didn't force it on them. I asked him if he wanted one and he said yes and that was a half hour ago and it's taking more than a half hour to try to get him up just to have coffee.

There's a lot more to it and a lot more than just that what happened over the past four or five days and it's stressing me out.

I can only imagine how exhausting and upsetting this all is, my friend.

As difficult as it is, you have to find the strength somehow.

Dad needs you.

 

[Ozzy Onya A2Z]

This is getting worse and worse.

My father has always been very stubborn and refuses to listen to people.

Today he had a nurse put a cathadar (?) On so he does not have to try and stand up to urinate and he's wearing an adult diaper.

Instructions from all the nurses specifically tell him to stay in bed and not to sit up or even stand up. Especially stand up.

So what does he keep asking me every 2 minutes to do? He asked me to sit him up and sometimes to stand up. Apparently it's because he's in pain or whatever or he has to take a pee or poo but again, when he has to pee he only has to do it and the cathadar.

I'm extremely frustrated. I'm extremely extremely frustrated and I'm alone. I have nobody around me. I have no more friends. All my family lives far away and I barely have any family left so I just don't know what to do.

I am terribly exhausted, both physically and mentally.

If you PM me your state, country mate I'm happy to spend my time researching what services you may be able to tap into for help.

Have you looked at local volunteer services and maybe booking a few hours they can help out?

Is it possible to move to other family, are they willing to help at all? Can they take dad for a short while e.g. visit you for a night so you can get out or you drop dad off to them for a week etc? Can you get on a wait list or afford am advanced chair/bed that assists sitting up or lying down?

My dad is also a stubborn mule, in years to come you'll look back at those events very differently and more as fond stories once time lets you forget the hard work and frustration.

 

[Darkmakaimura]

If you PM me your state, country mate I'm happy to spend my time researching what services you may be able to tap into for help.

Have you looked at local volunteer services and maybe booking a few hours they can help out?

Is it possible to move to other family, are they willing to help at all? Can they take dad for a short while e.g. visit you for a night so you can get out or you drop dad off to them for a week etc? Can you get on a wait list or afford am advanced chair/bed that assists sitting up or lying down?

My dad is also a stubborn mule, in years to come you'll look back at those events very differently and more as fond stories once time lets you forget the hard work and frustration.

I may have help from my dad's favorite brother aka my uncle. I'm not sure what's going to happen after that. We're hoping they let me stay here a while and this over 55 park. They've made exceptions before for some people and hopefully they make one for me.

And it can't be said enough, what are your religious or not, G-d bless all of you who are responding caringly and kindly.

 

[Ozzy Onya A2Z]

I may have help from my dad's favorite brother aka my uncle. I'm not sure what's going to happen after that. We're hoping they let me stay here a while and this over 55 park. They've made exceptions before for some people and hopefully they make one for me.

And it can't be said enough, what are your religious or not, G-d bless all of you who are responding caringly and kindly.

100% mate, doesn't matter what race or faith etc. Family is family. Very happy to hear at least there is some family support for you and your father. Best wishes.

 

[DeafTourette]

*hugs bruv*

 

[Darkmakaimura]

*hugs bruv*

Wow, we're almost always on opposing sides so it's comforting to see you offering hugs.

G-d bless you too, DeafTourette.

 

[DeafTourette]

Wow, we're almost always on opposing sides so it's comforting to see you offering hugs.

G-d bless you too, DeafTourette.

You've never called me out of my name, you've never insulted me or anything... You've always been respectful and honorable in our disagreements (based on my memory). We are GAF Bruvs. I have only had good thoughts towards you.

 

[Bitmap Frogs]

I’m sorry to hear that.

All I can say, be sure to take some time for yourself to clear your head…

 

[Evil Calvin]

Hope all goes well. It's tough. I had my mom and dad pass in 2020 (divorced). My dad was sent home to be in hospice. He had gotten dementia bad the previous 6 months (likely due to Parkinson's medicine they gave him). But he refused his dialysis, had diabetes, busted his foot open and wouldn't heal (bad diabetes circulation)....so he went home to die. Hospice nurse was there a few hours a day but they gave him morphine and he passed a couple days later. It sucked....but he had LOTS of issues and he didn't even know who I was anymore. So I'm glad it was quick. It wasn't who my dad was, and was glad it was relatively quick. For him....and for me.

So, it's not about being selfish. Sometimes....it's just time.

 

[Darkmakaimura]

The nurse only gave him a couple of days so needless to say I'm tearing up right now.

 

[LordOfChaos]

Sorry to hear all that, hoping for brighter times ahead for you. It's sad what we all come to in the end. My mom was diagnosed with glioblastoma right when that first wave of covid was hitting here and everything was getting locked down. Even among brain cancers, that's about the worst one. So it's been a shitty collaboration dealing with all that and trying to keep her safe from covid idiots at the same time and the hospital delaying everything and not allowing anyone in with her. Her mind is quite weakened, short term memory is just about shot, she can ask you something then 5 seconds later ask again because she doesn't remember asking or you remembering. She went through all the types of chemo they had and avastin which is non-chemo, eventually they all failed and it kept progressing. Seems too young, doesn't seem fair, but there's no such thing I suppose.

We're all in this together.

 

[Darkmakaimura]

Sorry to hear all that, hoping for brighter times ahead for you. It's sad what we all come to in the end. My mom was diagnosed with glioblastoma right when that first wave of covid was hitting here and everything was getting locked down. Even among brain cancers, that's about the worst one. So it's been a shitty collaboration dealing with all that and trying to keep her safe from covid idiots at the same time and the hospital delaying everything and not allowing anyone in with her. Her mind is quite weakened, short term memory is just about shot, she can ask you something then 5 seconds later ask again because she doesn't remember asking or you remembering. She went through all the types of chemo they had and avastin which is non-chemo, eventually they all failed and it kept progressing. Seems too young, doesn't seem fair, but there's no such thing I suppose.

We're all in this together.

I'm so sorry. I lost my mom from cancer when I was in my early twenties. So I've been without a mother for a very long time and my dad was married to my mom for 36 years or so.

Everything really hit me hard today. But after the nurse told me he may only have a couple days left, that hit me really hard. I've been crying for about a good 45 minutes now.

 

[Darkmakaimura]

Thank you and G-d bless you all for your replies and sticking it out with me.

I just called my psychiatrist and she's going to give me a call back tomorrow with some advice I guess. I'm not exactly sure what but I'm not able to sleep or eat and he is completely unaware. It was time for his pills and I could not wake him up despite the fact he still breathing.

I'm so fucking scared right now and this is just the beginning. I have nobody here in this city or even the state who can really help me. All my family is scattered everywhere and they see me as a black sheep anyhow.