I'm new be nice
Member
Hey guys, this is a pretty weird thread for me to be making, and it may not be entirely appropriate, but i've recently gone through something and i'm slowly trying to work it out in my head. I guess in some strange way I feel like writing about it and trying to explain my feelings to other people might help me process what happened and how it has affected me in the long term.
I can't say what happened to me was exactly dramatic, it wasn't like some horrific scene from a movie, but it was a subtle betrayal of my trust and a complete disregard for the social contract, and was an entirely dehumanizing experience.
Last Saturday I met up with a guy through Grindr, something i've done a few times in the past I will admit, and I prepared to meet him at his home. He asked me if I had sex without a Condom, and I gave a clear statement: "No. I only do that with people I trust and am dating". "Okay" he says. So I head over there and I watch him put it on after asking him again to wear one. He turns off the lights and we get started. At some point he decided to take it off. I wasn't able to see this, as my back was turned away from him, and he continued.
After it was done I had realized what had happened, and I was absolutely horrified.
He seemed to act bewildered, and he played dumb. I asked him what the hell he was thinking. "I told you No on Grindr." "I told you to put it on and I watched you do it." "Was I supposed to watch the entire time to see if you'd take it off in a dark room while my back is turned?"
"No" he says. "I've completely betrayed your trust, I wasn't thinking straight, you have every right... ect".
At this point i'm completely scared, bewildered, and disgusted in myself.
I went through so many emotions and thoughts. "Is it that big a deal"? "I used to have sex like that all the time when I was younger and nothing ever came of it." "Was I not clear enough to him?" "Maybe he just lost himself to the moment." "Maybe it's my fault for putting myself into that situation."
I'd go back and forth between trying to understand his side of it and being so completely angry at him several times throughout the day. Finally I generally settled at anger. I called an Assault Line, I asked them what I could do about this. I absolutely refused to let him get away with it. I asked if having his recorded voice admitting to it would allow me to press charges. "No, because you could be holding a gun to his head to make him say it."
Ultimately, despite KNOWING without a doubt that he did this to me, i'm completely powerless to do anything about it. He gets to get away with it, and I have to sit here for the next 7 weeks and wonder if i'm okay, all while learning a new job and trying to establish a relationship with my new coworkers.
It's different as a man. I'm physically powerful, i'm in good shape. I know where he is. I could go over there and do something about this.
But would that make me any better than him? With tears in my eyes as I type this, would that make anything better? No.
He took something away from me that night, but it won't be my humanity. I refuse to allow him to pull me down to his level. I'm better than him. Our entire society was built on us being better than that.
This whole thing has given me a new perspective. To be honest I already had some inkling of it before, I've seen the way my interactions with my coworkers change when I tell them i'm gay. I'm not exactly effeminate, but I am very gentle by nature, and I suspect when people know this they tend to think of me differently, listen to the things I say a little less, require a little more coaxing to be convinced of what i'm saying. Sometimes I think that's how it might be for women, that people tend to just take them a little less seriously. And when I think about something like the #MeToo movement, it starts to make a lot more sense to me.
The fact is we're at a complete disadvantage here. If anybody does something to us we basically can't do ANYTHING about it. If I retaliate now i'll be charged with assault. The only thing I can do is get my life in order and try to move on, and to nurse the wound both internally and potentially externally (so far I seem to be okay...).
I still don't think it's the right way to fix things, it's too rife for abuse, but holy fuck do I understand where it's coming from.
I guess all I ask is that you try to keep this in mind when somebody speaks up about being abused, because there's nothing I can do about this. I feel like I could write that a thousand times. There's nothing I can do about this.
other than to move on as best I can, and again with tears, learn to trust again.
Thank you for your time.
I can't say what happened to me was exactly dramatic, it wasn't like some horrific scene from a movie, but it was a subtle betrayal of my trust and a complete disregard for the social contract, and was an entirely dehumanizing experience.
Last Saturday I met up with a guy through Grindr, something i've done a few times in the past I will admit, and I prepared to meet him at his home. He asked me if I had sex without a Condom, and I gave a clear statement: "No. I only do that with people I trust and am dating". "Okay" he says. So I head over there and I watch him put it on after asking him again to wear one. He turns off the lights and we get started. At some point he decided to take it off. I wasn't able to see this, as my back was turned away from him, and he continued.
After it was done I had realized what had happened, and I was absolutely horrified.
He seemed to act bewildered, and he played dumb. I asked him what the hell he was thinking. "I told you No on Grindr." "I told you to put it on and I watched you do it." "Was I supposed to watch the entire time to see if you'd take it off in a dark room while my back is turned?"
"No" he says. "I've completely betrayed your trust, I wasn't thinking straight, you have every right... ect".
At this point i'm completely scared, bewildered, and disgusted in myself.
I went through so many emotions and thoughts. "Is it that big a deal"? "I used to have sex like that all the time when I was younger and nothing ever came of it." "Was I not clear enough to him?" "Maybe he just lost himself to the moment." "Maybe it's my fault for putting myself into that situation."
I'd go back and forth between trying to understand his side of it and being so completely angry at him several times throughout the day. Finally I generally settled at anger. I called an Assault Line, I asked them what I could do about this. I absolutely refused to let him get away with it. I asked if having his recorded voice admitting to it would allow me to press charges. "No, because you could be holding a gun to his head to make him say it."
Ultimately, despite KNOWING without a doubt that he did this to me, i'm completely powerless to do anything about it. He gets to get away with it, and I have to sit here for the next 7 weeks and wonder if i'm okay, all while learning a new job and trying to establish a relationship with my new coworkers.
It's different as a man. I'm physically powerful, i'm in good shape. I know where he is. I could go over there and do something about this.
But would that make me any better than him? With tears in my eyes as I type this, would that make anything better? No.
He took something away from me that night, but it won't be my humanity. I refuse to allow him to pull me down to his level. I'm better than him. Our entire society was built on us being better than that.
This whole thing has given me a new perspective. To be honest I already had some inkling of it before, I've seen the way my interactions with my coworkers change when I tell them i'm gay. I'm not exactly effeminate, but I am very gentle by nature, and I suspect when people know this they tend to think of me differently, listen to the things I say a little less, require a little more coaxing to be convinced of what i'm saying. Sometimes I think that's how it might be for women, that people tend to just take them a little less seriously. And when I think about something like the #MeToo movement, it starts to make a lot more sense to me.
The fact is we're at a complete disadvantage here. If anybody does something to us we basically can't do ANYTHING about it. If I retaliate now i'll be charged with assault. The only thing I can do is get my life in order and try to move on, and to nurse the wound both internally and potentially externally (so far I seem to be okay...).
I still don't think it's the right way to fix things, it's too rife for abuse, but holy fuck do I understand where it's coming from.
I guess all I ask is that you try to keep this in mind when somebody speaks up about being abused, because there's nothing I can do about this. I feel like I could write that a thousand times. There's nothing I can do about this.
other than to move on as best I can, and again with tears, learn to trust again.
Thank you for your time.
