What's your
elevator sales pitch? Tim Schafer of Double Fine was able to ask "When was the last time you played an adventure game like I used to make?" Jobbs asked "Has there been any game to scratch the Metroid itch since, well, the last 2D Metroid?"
Yours says "Rolan's Quest brings back what you love about Zelda". Back? From where? What I love about Zelda is still in recent Zelda titles like Twilight Princess, Skyward Sword and A Link Between Worlds, but it's also been taken and adapted to make every kind of game from Fable to Darksiders. What I love about Zelda is that it got the train rolling for adventure games, but now that's one of the widest genres there is. So you're going to have to be more specific than that.
Don't front load the viewer with back story and monologue, especially if it's not expertly written. You can compress most of the first four paragraphs to "In a world where people gain strange and magical powers from the shattered remnants of a divine obelisk, one crystalline fragment held a mysterious power greater than all of the others." It gets the point across, gives people a taste of the world they'll be in, and lets you get to some of the more important details quicker.
Some of the text is hard to take seriously, as well. "It was called Enhance. Nobody knew what it did." They seem to know that it enhances stuff, so what isn't known? "He was a good man, a general." You can't casually state someone is a military leader after calling them good as not everyone is pro-military. A better way of phrasing such a thing would be like "He was a great general who had served the land faithfully." A text editor to help pick up inconsistencies like this is a must, especially if your game is going to have a lot of text.
Make the art consistent. In the characters part, I see two renderings of Rolan, but they're of vastly different art style.
Shovel Knight was able to get away with having two very different art styles on its page because it was clear that some of it was simply promotional material and the rest was in-game art or simulating the aesthetic of the in-game artwork. Such a distinction is not easily made with the artwork you have on your page.
I'll admit that my curiosity has been piqued after reading through the text on your page, but mostly for the wrong reasons. I have questions like how was a smith trained by an old man (Rolan's grandfather), and who taught him to fight? Smithing and forging is a profession for strong people who can operate heavy tools and machinery while wearing heavy protection to fend off very high heats, which isn't usually something a grandfather figure is adept at. Rolan lives in a small town, so it's seems likely that his father was one of few smiths, possibly the only one, so it doesn't seem like there would be anyone to teach Rolan. Who was Rolan making that fancy, gold-inlaid sword for? He should be feeling honored just to look a blade that elaborate!
I realize I'm over-analyzing, but that's because I feel like the truth is a far more sobering "he has a cool-looking sword because cool stuff looks cool and he comes from a small hometown because that's humbling and all the cool heroes do." If other people are getting the same impression that I am, then the game just comes across as a generic adventure RPG. You don't want people to think that. You want them to see why it's different, why it's better, why it's something they haven't seen before or haven't seen in a long time.
Recap:
- What's your elevator pitch?
- Don't bog down with details.
- Check text and make sure your world makes sense.
- Have art be consistent or explain the different styles.