Jokes Thread.

and 3 others

and 3 others

Banned
I love a good joke, I tell probably 20 a day, often to varying degrees of disgust. Share yours, and help me assail my co-workers. I'll get us started.

Did you know the 9/11 victims were really fast readers? Yeah, they went through 80 stories in 7 seconds.
 
BQXQJzWCQAAIU-y.jpg


"Guy comes home with a bouquet of flowers for his wife. I guess I'll have to spread my legs now, she says. Why? he asks. Don't you have a vase?"

AGLHPI6IZ4YRQATZX7FYUW4BOU.jpg


The doctor tells the Chinaman, "you have a cataract"

The Chinaman says, "no, I have a Rincoln Continental"
 
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A man comes running into his house with a sheep under his arm, kicks the bedroom door open and says "this is the fat pig I fuck when you have a headache" His wife, replies, That's a sheep, not a pig. Man says "I wasn't talking to you!"
 
MudoSkills said:
I got so drunk last night I blew chunks.
That's not so bad, we've all been there.
No, Chunks is my dog.
Click to expand...
Haha, that's good.
Reminds me of a variation.
I blew a speaker in my car yesterday.
Yeah, he was a motivational speaker, left a funny taste in my mouth, but I feel much more positive.
 


I'm laughing like an idiot at the microwave joke in here, pretty fucking dark, but damn : D
 
Black comedy, love it.

Oh shit...I am cancelled aren't I.

By far the fastest and darkest joke I heard was when the Challenger space shuttle blew up; what does NASA stand for? Need another 7 astronauts. It was like 1 hour after the event I heard that joke.
 
What's black and screams?
Stevie wonder answering the iron.

HOw do you make a hormone?
Don't pay her.

What's green and red and crawls up a woman's leg?
A homesick abortion

How did Diana, Princess of Wales know that Dodi Al fayed had dandruff?
She found his head and shoulders in the glove compartment.

WWhat's the difference between a pizza and a jew?
A pizza doesn't scream when you put it in the oven

this is a Bait thread and now I'm banned
 
Plugging my jokes thread because why not

www.neogaf.com

Did you hear the one about...?

My dad and I were bemoaning the fact that people don't really tell jokes in public conversation anymore. You share memes, but when was the last time someone told you a real knee-slapper? Gimme your best, I don't care if it's a bit from a stand up comic, a filthy limerick, or a shameful pun...
www.neogaf.com www.neogaf.com
 
Why are Pakistan terrible at football (soccer)?
because every time time they get a corner they put a shop on it.

How do you know Michael Barry more has no ashtrays in his house?
He throws all his fags in the pool (fag is a play on words because it's a colloquialism for cigarette)
 
Man walks into a pharmacy and asks the clerk "hey I need condoms for my 12 year old daughter." Clerk asks, your 12 year old daughter is sexually active? Dad responds: "Nah, she just lays there like her mother".
 
What do you call a man with a bird of prey on each shoulder that does the vacuum cleaning with the lights out?

Hawk Kestrel Man Hoovers In The Dark
 
What do you call a flid in the sea? Bob

What do you call a flid in a packet of crisp? Rustle.

What do you call a man with a spade on his head? Doug

What do you call a man with a seagull on his head? Cliff

What do you call a Pakistani builder? Ahmed ashed (a med a shed)

What do you call an Indian karaoke star? Gerrupto Singh

What do you call a Pakistani stood between two buildings? Ali

What do you call an invisible Pakistani? Amere

I don't know how well they translate with accents, it works with northern English🤷‍♂️
 
After reading the Piracy thread reminded me of an old joke.
A pirate walks into a bar with a steering wheel around his crotch. Bartender says "You know you got a steering wheel around your dick?" Pirate responds "Gyar, it be driving me nuts!"
 
What do you say to your girlfriend when she walks in with two black eyes?

Nothing, you told her twice already.
 
triplestation said:
BQXQJzWCQAAIU-y.jpg


"Guy comes home with a bouquet of flowers for his wife. I guess I'll have to spread my legs now, she says. Why? he asks. Don't you have a vase?"

AGLHPI6IZ4YRQATZX7FYUW4BOU.jpg


The doctor tells the Chinaman, "you have a cataract"

The Chinaman says, "no, I have a Rincoln Continental"
Click to expand...

Have you heard about the Chinese Godfather?
He made them an offer they couldn't understand.
 
I don't know how to traduce italian jokes without them loosing their comical effect...

A guy enter in a cafe...splash.

(In italy cafe is how we call both the coffee beverage and the place where they sell it)
 
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Some more light-hearted ones.
In Sweden we tell jokes about Norwegians, which (in our jokes) are considered very stupid.

Why do Norwegians crawl in the supermarket?

They are looking for low prices

Why do Norwegians leave the toilet door open?

They don't want someone to peek through the keyhole

What do you do if a Norwegian throws a hand grenade at you?

Pull the pin and throw it back

And one more fitting of the tensions in the US:

What do you call a black worker?

Whatever his name is you racist
 
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