I've been compiling a list of all the bad, wrong, or just plain idiotic things about The Lost World and Jurassic Park 3.
The Lost World
-British family in the intro, completely awful, everything about them
-Sorna not having any protection around it despite KNOWING there are dinosaurs on it
-British mom screaming which cuts to the Malcolm yawn on the subway train
-Hammond's character completely ignoring the arc he got in the first film
-Hammond shipping off people to the island to study them WHY? MY GOD JUST LET THEM FLOURISH, you don't care anymore, John, based on your arc in the previous film!
-Kelly
-Sarah and everyone else thinking they'll never encounter anything DANGEROUS
-Sarah petting the baby Stego
-Kelly makes dinner, doesn't know there are dinos on the island so it's not really her fault but still, Kelly
-they decide to release the dinos from the cages because surely nothing bad could happen there
-hunters use baby rex to lure mom and dad, VINCE VAUGHN DECIDES IT BEST TO TAKE THE SCREAMING BABY REX BACK TO THE FUCKING TRAILER WHICH IS BY A CLIFF NO LESS
-Sarah asks Nick to spit his gum into her hand so she can somehow plug a wound with it
-he instead just spits in her hand because he's a stupid jackass
-they ignore the satellite phone because they're tending to a wounded infant Rex
-characters are dangling in the dangling trailer, Eddie asks what they need and they start rattling off fast food decisions because that's what I would do if I were in that situation
-massive group of characters talk and argue loudly in a dark jungle full of dinosaurs, even get into a fist fight
-Peter Stormare just has to go pee but manages to separate himself by what felt like 12 miles from the group
-then gets eaten by compies
-they camp for the night, decide to leave clothing DRENCHED in baby rex blood dangling inside the damn tent
-seasoned paleontologist has a snake fall on him which he takes care of by dancing out of the cave and into the mouth of the Rex
-token black guy screaming comically as a raptor pounces his ass
-Kelly kicks a raptor out of a window via gymnastics, does a badass pose that lasts for like 10 seconds, even John Williams decides to join in on the stupidity with DUN DUN DUNNN DUNNN
-ship crew being killed off despite the animals still being quarantined
-multi-ton Rex stomping down neighborhood, nobody notices
-Rex drinking out of pool because lol
-kid seeing Rex, looks scared but then casually yawns and almost sleepwalks his way to his parent's room
-mom and dad start griping about the kid making stuff up because of the fish tank light
-Rex looking up into the window with the dog house dangling out of its mouth which leads to
-mom and dad screaming in the most slapstick fashion
-Kelly
-Rex attacks gas station because its a familiar, recognizable chain
-sophisticated rich dude goes exploring into the ship looking for the baby rex to... I don't know
-the closing shot features multiple rexes and herbivores like Stegos because they used to chill like that
- "got any kids?" Grant asks in the first one. "Hell yeah, three, I love kids!" has one kid in The Lost World, which is
-Kelly
Jurassic Park 3
-RESTRICTED
-plot adds zilch to anything
-let's go flying over Sorna with a dingy parasail
-something attacks the boat while the boat is in the fog, how convenient
-why is Ellie married to this other douche NO NO NO
-why does Ellie have a kid that isn't Grant's too NOOOOPE
-Dern's acting in her one scene is atrocious
-Paul and Amanda are clearly full of shit in the bar scene, Grant is stupid and believes them
-Grant gets on plane going to Isla Sorna full of shady people
-dat raptor dream... "ALAN!"
-"how do you know the Kirby's?" "Oh, uh, through our church!" NO BULLSHIT DETECTED
-Amanda starts yelling for Eric THROUGH A MEGAPHONE ON AN ISLAND FULL OF DINOSAURS
-they decide to correct her, she still does it because she is THAT fucking retarded
-which leads to the Spinosaurus being all like the fuck is that, which immediately gets their plane crashed
-Grant sniffs eggs and immediately comes to the conclusion that they're RAPTOR eggs
-Amanda screaming at Ben's skeleton in a jungle full of dinosaurs
-Billy steals eggs because stupidity
-that shitty Tricycloplots joke
-that shitty Four Seasons joke
-Amanda thinks the phone in the incubation building could still have service
-Billy kicks in a vending machine for some snacks, making as much noise as possible
-Amanda clearly sees a fucking raptor head through one of the incubation tubes and stares at it like its a diamond ring because that's probably what she's thinking about
-raptors take Udesky hostage and use him as bait... which leads to Amanda being baited because they're legit more intelligent
-"You hear that!? COMPIES!" *opens safety hatch to watch compies I guess*
-Eric hears Kirby's Paint and Tile Plus phone jingle and starts to follow it without thinking about why his parents would have the phone volume cranked up that high
-they all reunite at the fence, only to find out that the Spino is yards away from them because it has a somehow ringing phone in its stomach and they can somehow hear it
-Spino crashes through fence, but the doors leading to the Pteranodon observatory stump it and it gives up
-Billy is attacked by the pteranodons which leads him upstream as the rest of the characters head in the opposite river direction (this is important for later, as it is multi-part stupidity)
-they dig for the phone in massive piles of spino shit and sure as shit find it in operable condition
-they get attacked on the boat, Grant manages to get a call to Ellie but her stupid kid is watching Barney because irony
-she hears "Site balrlrbalhh blarrh RIVER" and manages to decipher exactly where he is
-the movie stops so that Paul can tell us about this one time he went fishing
-won't even get into that final raptor scene
-man on beach with megaphone somehow gets to the beach before all the crafts reach the beach; in fact we see them all pull up
-the clever "THAT IS A BAD IDEA" joke makes a reprise
-Billy is somehow on the boat, before it got to the island, already being treated, besides being chased in the opposite direction the others went in by the pteranodons
-he was seriously injured so it can't be justified with "maybe he made his way in their direction over time"
-that shitty Oklahoma joke
-which makes Eric giggle and Grant with a OH YOU GUYS... smirk puts on his hat
-pteranodons, now free from the island, dangerous, fly away, nobody gives a fuck
-super abrupt ending
...and there's no telling what I'm forgetting/leaving out. Ball's in your court, Trevorrow.
-Kelly