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[Teza]

What do you think about getting married? Yes? No? Maybe?

Just to be clear, I'm referring to the question whether you can see yourself getting married and why, as opposed to the social/cultural/political value of the institution (though the latter may feed into the former).


I've been thinking about it on and off for the last few months. Prompted by my girlfriend, actually - even though she's already aware of my views. Well, my old views. I've been frank enough to tell her that I never intend to get married (to any person). Leaving aside all the material incentives, I don't know why I'd need a marital contract to prove my love, or to help me should that love begin to falter.

But now I'm less sure of myself. Sure enough to remain deeply, deeply sceptical of marriage ... but not enough for it to warrant permanent exclusion in my mind.


Anyway, what do you lot think? Any married types here? Did any of you share my scepticism before the moment of surrender?

Incidentally (and perhaps relatedly), I've never seriously considered having children, although on first impression the prospect of being a father - with all the mountains of responsibility that that entails - terrifies me. I'm not sure how (or even if) this has affected my position on marriage.

 

[goomba]

Marriage is just a peice of paper to me thesedays, it used to be the way for many guys to get into their girls pants, not required most of the time thesedays.

Id rather have a civil union (newly introduced to NZ), gives you the same rights as marriage, without the religious connotations. And could throw an awesome party instead of a boring , traditional church wedding.

 

[Tommie Hu$tle]

This seems like a trap.

 

[Days like these...]

There are 2 things you can be in life... Happy or Married

 

[dem]

If theres one thing Ive learned from listening to Howard Stern its this..



Get a video taped prenup.
Don't have any money you say? Well imagine life with even less!

 

[TAJ]

Marriage is just a business arrangement, one that almost always works out best for the female. Being that I'm male, pencil me in for never.

 

[Zilch]

Yes, I plan on getting married.

 

[pnjtony]

My girlfriend and I are getting married. We're waiting a couple more years till she's done with her Master's program though. You get more financial aid when you're a single mother rather than a married mother

 

[Ignatz Mouse]

Cool, then I am both!

Seriously, I've been married for 10 years and am very happy. But if I had married the first girl I had the urge too (thank god we were too young and in college and didn;t relly consider it) I'd be miserable now.

Marriage isn't to prove anthing, it's more like a public promise. If you think about it that way, instead of something you're just suposed to do, it's pretty cool.

 

[Truelize]

I'm the minority here I guess. But I believe in the sanctity of marriage still.

I've been married for almost 7 years now. Been with my wife for just a bit over 8. And I'm very grateful that I did what I had to to convince her I was a good guy. :lol

 

[Days like these...]

How long before Olimario gets in here professing his undying love for juile anne von dutch lemurnator and how they are getting married and living happily ever after?

 

[maharg]

I'm married, no complaints here. As far as I and my wife are concerned, it's just a piece of paper that declares to the government that yes, we are in a long term relationship, and that we want what comes with that for us. Our marriage is decidedly non-traditional in many ways.

And getting married doesn't mean anything for what your ceremony is like. Mine was done by a Justice in her parents' back yard with about 20 people invited and attending.

 

[Days like these...]

Our marriage is decidedly non-traditional in many ways.

So.... uh you guys swing huh?

 

[Kuro Madoushi]

How long before Olimario gets in here professing his undying love for juile anne von dutch lemurnator and how they are getting married and living happily ever after?

:lol :lol :lol

Olimario = GAF whipping boy

So many threads take a swipe at him

Anyways, IMO I agree with your ideas on marriage, but think about it this way:

You say you don't need a piece of paper to declare your love for someone

That's great, but getting it isn't going to hurt anyone now will it?

 

[GamerDiva]

Marriages are sooooooooo 1940s :lol :lol :lol

 

[karasu]

Personally I love the idea of Marriage. Two people committed to building something together and looking out for each other for the rest of their lives is a beautiful thing.

 

[TAJ]

>>>As far as I and my wife are concerned, it's just a piece of paper that declares to the government that yes, we are in a long term relationship, and that we want what comes with that for us.<<<

Unless you have an iron-clad prenup, it tells the government a few other things, too...
It also tends to suggest to the couple that they can feel free to stop putting any effort into the relationship, and especially into keeping themselves desirable.

 

[SuperPac]

Yes, I see myself getting married at some point. Now that I'm a little bit older and I've moved around the country a few times and away from my family it'd be nice to...ya know...make that "connection" with someone and start a family of my own. That's for when I meet the right woman. I ain't in a hurry, but it'll happen eventually.

 

[Teza]

Marriage is just a peice of paper to me thesedays, it used to be the way for many guys to get into their girls pants, not required most of the time thesedays.

Id rather have a civil union (newly introduced to NZ), gives you the same rights as marriage, without the religious connotations. And could throw an awesome party instead of a boring , traditional church wedding.

Well, you don't have to have a religious ceremony. You can have a civil marriage at a register office (at least in England and Wales).

Cool, then I am both!

Seriously, I've been married for 10 years and am very happy. But if I had married the first girl I had the urge too (thank god we were too young and in college and didn;t relly consider it) I'd be miserable now.

Marriage isn't to prove anthing, it's more like a public promise. If you think about it that way, instead of something you're just suposed to do, it's pretty cool.

Is it better for a relationship that there be a 'public promise' - and if so, why?

I'm married, no complaints here. As far as I and my wife are concerned, it's just a piece of paper that declares to the government that yes, we are in a long term relationship, and that we want what comes with that for us. Our marriage is decidedly non-traditional in many ways.

Ok, so you undertook to marry for the material benefits?

I'm not saying that's 'wrong'; I just want to see how different married couples explain their decision.

 

[Teza]

And did any of you share my scepticism before you were married?

 

[Ignatz Mouse]

Is it better for a relationship that there be a 'public promise' - and if so, why?

Yeah. Think of it this way-- if everyone in your community knows you are committed, it makes it a little easier to get through tought times when you might want to pack it in and quit. The point of the wedding is generally to let everyone around you know that you're committed, and as a result they have some responsibility to help you two when things get tough.

 

[GamerDiva]

I got into a heated argument with a local priest about this topic just the other night in a pub. He felt that I shouldn't be dating more than one guy at a time and that instead, I should be dating only one guy and get married to him. Ya right. At 19??!! :lol :lol :lol

 

[maharg]

Unless you have an iron-clad prenup, it tells the government a few other things, too...
It also tends to suggest to the couple that they can feel free to stop putting any effort into the relationship, and especially into keeping themselves desirable.

That's not the fault of the marriage agreement, that's the fault of stupid people doing stupid things.

Ok, so you undertook to marry for the material benefits?

Eh, not quite. It also made our position official and established. We could have left it at being commonlaw married, but it made more sense to solidify our position. Ambiguity is undesirable.

As for skepticism, I never felt very skeptical about it. But I also never elevated it to something it wasn't. It was never a religious thing to me, and to some degree I don't even think of it as necessarily a lifetime commitment -- only a long term and indefinitely lengthed one. I intend to be with my wife as long as we're both alive, but I can't guarantee that, and neither can she. We can only do our best for each other.

I think a lot of the extremely virulantly negative attitudes you see about marriage come from the concept falling from some impossible high and noble view of marriage. If you keep a realistic view of what it means I don't see how you can say it's as horrible as some people do.

 

[Ignatz Mouse]

And did any of you share my scepticism before you were married?

Not to the same degree. I always thought i'd get married, but the importance was lost on me until much later in life. Some aspects i didn't really "get" until after I was married.

 

[Deleted member 1235]

I would do it if that's what the girl I wanted to be with forever wanted. I could also go my whole life without doing it. A prenup will happen though. protect yourself.

 

[fart]

I got into a heated argument with a local priest about this topic just the other night in a pub.

a heated argument with a local priest about this topic just the other night in a pub.

with a local priest about this topic just the other night in a pub.

with a local priest ... in a pub.

...

 

[Deleted member 1235]

I got into a heated argument with a local priest about this topic just the other night in a pub. He felt that I shouldn't be dating more than one guy at a time and that instead, I should be dating only one guy and get married to him. Ya right. At 19??!! :lol :lol :lol

I'm having trouble with the priest in the pub.

 

[fart]

maybe he was a rapist pretending to be a man of the cloth.

 

[TAJ]

>>>>Unless you have an iron-clad prenup, it tells the government a few other things, too...
It also tends to suggest to the couple that they can feel free to stop putting any effort into the relationship, and especially into keeping themselves desirable.

That's not the fault of the marriage agreement, that's the fault of stupid people doing stupid things.<<<

Oh, that setup is so easy that I can't bring myself to take it. Anyway, the threat of complacency is always going to be a problem because that piece of paper makes breaking up MUCH tougher. If a GF/BF stops trying, you can just dump them. If the same thing happens in a marriage, it's more complicated. The problem is that both parties are all too aware of this. Not having that piece of paper keeps both people on their toes, and I like it that way.

 

[Dilbert]

For the people who are taking broad swipes at marriage -- and I'm looking at Days like these... and TAJ in particular -- I'd love to know a couple of things:

1) How old are you?

2) What is the longest you've dated anyone, and how old were you at that time?

3) Have you lived with a boyfriend/girlfriend before, and if so, for how long?

You seem to have a lot to say...just wanted to see who I was dealing with.

 

[maharg]

I don't think Days Like These really deserves the callout. He's just making jokes.

 

[fart]

he's just joking dude.

 

[Tommie Hu$tle]

People views on marriage mature as they mature. Not to say that the people here are immature it's just to say that views on many things grow and change as you grow and change. For example for myself I'm indifferent to the idea of marriage now. I see it as neither a good thing or a bad thing. HOWEVER on the whole I think marrige (when done correctly) is one of the most important instutions in our society. Not just for the two people that are joined but for the community it builds because of it.

 

[TAJ]

<SNIP>

Hell, why am I even responding to someone who's not part of the thread?

 

[Naked Snake]

What the hell is a "prenup"? It's not in any dictionary.

 

[maharg]

It's an agreement you make before you get married that defines who gets what in the event of divorce. Pre-nuptual.

 

[sefskillz]

What the hell is a "prenup"? It's not in any dictionary.

prenup is short for prenuptial, which means before a wedding or marriage.

 

[TAJ]

>>>What the hell is a "prenup"? It's not in any dictionary.<<<

Prenuptial agreement, a contract that specifies what happens in the likely event of a divorce.
And something that one of my cousins wishes he had right now, lol. He's going to get raped in the divorce, just like the last two times (fool me thrice?), and like both of his brothers.
I'm going to lose my job over this one. I already have other offers lined up, but I feel like I just dodged a bullet.
This marriage lasted 18 years, but their finances started going downhill after he got cancer. Money and his physical condition were by far the top two things she complained about. So much for "in sickness and in health" and "for richer, for poorer", lol.

 

[Ignatz Mouse]

It's a MASSEY Prenup! Ironclad!

 

[TAJ]

>>>It's a MASSEY Prenup! Ironclad!<<<

"Only love is in mind if the Massey is signed." I liked that one.

 

[Teza]

Ok, thanks for the arguments guys.

Yeah. Think of it this way-- if everyone in your community knows you are committed, it makes it a little easier to get through tought times when you might want to pack it in and quit. The point of the wedding is generally to let everyone around you know that you're committed, and as a result they have some responsibility to help you two when things get tough.

Personally, Ignatz, I'm not convinced by the whole 'marriage as publicity' argument. I'm not sure that I'm comfortable with the notion of increasing the external influences on my love for another person. That would worry me. And in any case, if I ever do need help or advice during a relationship, I'd expect my friends and family to support me, whether or not my partner is my wife.

Do you feel the influence of your friends and family (i.e., your community) in your marriage? How would you describe it (really pin it down if you can) - as an obligation not to disappoint?

Eh, not quite. It also made our position official and established. We could have left it at being commonlaw married, but it made more sense to solidify our position. Ambiguity is undesirable.

As for skepticism, I never felt very skeptical about it. But I also never elevated it to something it wasn't. It was never a religious thing to me, and to some degree I don't even think of it as necessarily a lifetime commitment -- only a long term and indefinitely lengthed one. I intend to be with my wife as long as we're both alive, but I can't guarantee that, and neither can she. We can only do our best for each other.

I think a lot of the extremely virulantly negative attitudes you see about marriage come from the concept falling from some impossible high and noble view of marriage. If you keep a realistic view of what it means I don't see how you can say it's as horrible as some people do.

Well, I'm an atheist; marriage has no religious significance for me.

Were you in my position, with no interest in material benefits or the security of a contract, would you feel the same as I do?

 

[bjork]

If I ever were to get married, I'm only doing it once... the vows are there for a reason. If I'm not positive that I can stay with this person or they're unsure of me, the time is not right to get married.

We'll see.

 

[Boogie]

I fully plan on getting married.

 

[bjork]

I fully plan on getting married.

Me too, it's the other half of the duo that remains up in the air. =P

 

[AstroLad]

Getting married next December. Been going out w/ my fiance for almost 6 years, engaged for 1 year.

 

[Boogie]

Me too, it's the other half of the duo that remains up in the air. =P

I still need to be a duo first.

 

[Fresh Prince]

Hopefully in the future you will be able to marry humanoid robots

 

[cvxfreak]

Personally I love the idea of Marriage. Two people committed to building something together and looking out for each other for the rest of their lives is a beautiful thing.

My views exactly.

 

[Cimarron]

Meh...

Marriage is a nice thought but I see no value in it while i'm still young and have no desire to have children as of yet. If the judicial system was a bit more even handed in terms of how it treated men in the case of divorce I'd be more willing to do it. But since it ain't I'm not afraid to admit that I hold a healthy feart of the power women wield in such situations. But once i'm more stable and I feel the itch to breed I will find myself a female who will be willing to accept my seed and serve as an incubator for my spawn.

 

[LakeEarth]