Femmeworth
Banned
I don't know for sure, that's something I plan to bring up unless she makes it clear.
Mental Health |OT| Depression & Co.
- Thread starter Bagels
- Start date
- Status
And how about your self? Spark? no spark? Maybe spark?
The Strokes
Banned
I've been so depressed.
Basically, I have this very weird condition in my stomach where If i get too nervous my mouth starts getting dry and I start feeling this weird thing in my throat and start having nauseas.
I've been living with this condition for two years. Why haven't I been to the doctor you ask? Because...dunno. I really don't know why I haven't been to a doctor. Now I really don't have the time (or money) to go and there's still 9 weeks more left to school before vacations and until then I don't think I can go to the doctor.
I feel like I'm in the worst shape of my life, both physically and mentally. I stopped going to the gym so I lost a lot of weight plus I am only eating once a day.
Yesterday, I woke up and had to go to work and my stomach was hurting and I felt nauseated. Was on the verge of calling to work to tell them I couldn't go but figured the best thing to do was to be a responsible adult and go.
TL; DR Cheerish your health and go to the doctor when you can. Otherwise you'd end up as screwed as I am.
Basically, I have this very weird condition in my stomach where If i get too nervous my mouth starts getting dry and I start feeling this weird thing in my throat and start having nauseas.
I've been living with this condition for two years. Why haven't I been to the doctor you ask? Because...dunno. I really don't know why I haven't been to a doctor. Now I really don't have the time (or money) to go and there's still 9 weeks more left to school before vacations and until then I don't think I can go to the doctor.
I feel like I'm in the worst shape of my life, both physically and mentally. I stopped going to the gym so I lost a lot of weight plus I am only eating once a day.
Yesterday, I woke up and had to go to work and my stomach was hurting and I felt nauseated. Was on the verge of calling to work to tell them I couldn't go but figured the best thing to do was to be a responsible adult and go.
TL; DR Cheerish your health and go to the doctor when you can. Otherwise you'd end up as screwed as I am.
Charles Foster Kane
Rosebud
Just read about this man. I'm sorry, I know how attached one can get to a pet.
Naw.
I've noticed a pretty strong and distinct improvement in mood that I only seem to get after having a cider, and I'm in pretty constant need of those mood improvements, so.... It's really just my level of discipline that keeps me from kinda turning into my uncle x_xsmokeandmirrors
Banned
I really need something to help with stress. This semester has been all sorts of awful, the feeling of stress of getting things done on time and well has really just made everything worse.
I just want to scream. And punch something.
Maybe I should buy a punching bag....
I just want to scream. And punch something.
Maybe I should buy a punching bag....
Brawndo Addict
Banned
I feel bad for never posting a follow-up after I posted here initially so I'm doing that now and hope to come back more consistently. I met with my doctor but he was very reluctant to consider medication, and although I didn't go in expecting or necessarily wanting to get any, I didn't feel like he adequately addressed why it wasn't a good idea. Once I mentioned my professional/career fears/anxieties over my long-term future and job security, he kinda latched onto that as the reason for all my other issues and said to go to counseling again and didn't seem to actively listen to my other physical and mental symptoms. He may very well be right, but it was frustrating to see him mentally check out so to speak. He did end up giving me a very small prescription for some Xanax in case of major attacks though, and although I've been extremely conservative with them given the small supply, it does help just knowing they are there.
I haven't got around to restarting counseling yet because this whole episode has had a cascading effect on my schedule so I feel like I'm always playing catch up on work and don't have enough time for the other normal stuff I've let slip, but I know that's just an excuse and that it's something I need to make time for. I spend so much energy/time second guessing myself about where my life is going long-term and thinking about 'what ifs' and do-overs if I could go back in time and restart from age 18 again. I know how meaningless and self-harming that kind of thinking is but it's hard to shake fantasy scenarios of 'where I could have been'. And then there's the self-shame of knowing that my career problems are existential angst compared to the truly difficult stuff other people have to deal with. There's just always this thought in the back of my mind that the only future-proof jobs will be in Health Care or STEM, and that I need to transition into those to be 'safe' for the future. Those last bits just some venting/journaling.
I haven't got around to restarting counseling yet because this whole episode has had a cascading effect on my schedule so I feel like I'm always playing catch up on work and don't have enough time for the other normal stuff I've let slip, but I know that's just an excuse and that it's something I need to make time for. I spend so much energy/time second guessing myself about where my life is going long-term and thinking about 'what ifs' and do-overs if I could go back in time and restart from age 18 again. I know how meaningless and self-harming that kind of thinking is but it's hard to shake fantasy scenarios of 'where I could have been'. And then there's the self-shame of knowing that my career problems are existential angst compared to the truly difficult stuff other people have to deal with. There's just always this thought in the back of my mind that the only future-proof jobs will be in Health Care or STEM, and that I need to transition into those to be 'safe' for the future. Those last bits just some venting/journaling.
User 100115
Banned
People should totally hit up Bagels for a letter.
A letter from Bagels is like a shiny thing that brightens your day. Hell, it will brighten your week. He is so sincere and awesome, seriously. Every time I get a Bagels a letter I tear up a little. Happy tears!
Think of the happy tears, people. Get a Bagels letter today!
A letter from Bagels is like a shiny thing that brightens your day. Hell, it will brighten your week. He is so sincere and awesome, seriously. Every time I get a Bagels a letter I tear up a little. Happy tears!
Think of the happy tears, people. Get a Bagels letter today!
Only one person in my social circle ever says hello or anything, and when I asked others to treat me better or at least as good as their other friends, I was told that I was "putting too much" on them. Haven't physically spoken to someone other than a coworker or a store cashier in over two months. I work overnight and so I only see the same 4-5 people every day, and the schedule makes it difficult to see the people in my life, as they're at work when I'm sleeping and vice versa. But they could at least say hello.
I don't sleep well because of sleeping in the daytime. Tried white noise, got blackout sheets, etc. I don't own a bed, but if I'm tired, I'll sleep. Though the last few months, even sleeping pills don't help, and if I do sleep, I have bad dreams and wake up feeling less than rested.
Money problems related to my income level. Some is my own fault, caving and buying a game here and there, but I'm about $30k in CC and student loan debt and can't seem to find a better job to get out of the hole I'm in. I want to leave the state, and I feel like I should clear up my debts before I do so, so I can have a clean slate when I go where I want to go, but even just walking outside and looking at where I live makes me regret getting out of bed.
It's just an ugly time and I know there are people out there in far worse situations, but this cycle has been going on for... about four years or so, it's just really getting to me worse when I don't have any contact with people. It's like, why be alive? What is it accomplishing?
smokeandmirrors
Banned
I have this weird sense of needing to please and impress people. I kinda wish I could 'disappear' for a while and become this amazing person.
Not unlike a caterpillar -> butterfly type thing but with less -me dying after 24hours- type thing.
It's not healthy.
Not unlike a caterpillar -> butterfly type thing but with less -me dying after 24hours- type thing.
It's not healthy.
Were your parents particularly demanding when you were a kid? I have similar issues. What does pleasing and impressing people entail for you? (Like, is it looking a certain way, getting a certain job, etc.)
Good luck you!
Administrative notice of the "extracurricular" parts of MentalHealthGAF
As some of you might know our Mumble-server has been a bit spotty the last couple of weeks. With Swecide not being able to host it anymore due to the repurposing of his hardware and my own internet-connection being... spotty to call it the least, we finally decided to give professional hosting a go.
In case you don't know what Mumble is, let me quote Wikipedia for you
Or to sum it up: it let's us talk to each other. Get it here: http://mumble.sourceforge.net/
Anyway the details (subject to change) of the new Mumble-server can be gotten by just bopping in to our IRC channel and asking for it.
As some of you might know our Mumble-server has been a bit spotty the last couple of weeks. With Swecide not being able to host it anymore due to the repurposing of his hardware and my own internet-connection being... spotty to call it the least, we finally decided to give professional hosting a go.
In case you don't know what Mumble is, let me quote Wikipedia for you
Or to sum it up: it let's us talk to each other. Get it here: http://mumble.sourceforge.net/
Anyway the details (subject to change) of the new Mumble-server can be gotten by just bopping in to our IRC channel and asking for it.
Going to the hospital today because this can't just be a cold. My throat gets more sore each day and I'm getting random fevers all the time, plus my head/the back of my eyes feel like they're going to burst. Sometimes I wish I was a dragon; I wouldn't exist. Already been feeling suicidal. This too? Hoo boy, someone hand me the rope please.
Pryor
Member
Hey all.
Posting for the first time in this thread but I have been popping in and out over the past few months. Didn't really think I'd end up posting but maybe doing so will go some way to helping me out.
I've never really been the type of person to be bouncing round with a love of life, rainbows and unicorns but for the past few years I have felt a bit more down than usual. Recently though I feel things have started to get a bit much. It's to the point now where my constant down moods and sheer irritability have started to have an impact on my relationships with family and friends. I am in this weird place where I want to be out and about with people but when I am I just distant and want to be left alone.
Recently I started paying real attention to my symptoms and reading various resources that I put two and two together and realised I may have a problem.
I am having real trouble getting to sleep.
If I am not in work I will oversleep constantly. It's mainly a case of waking up and thinking 'What's the point in getting up?' and then going back to sleep.
My intake of food is all over the place. There are days where all I will eat for a 24-30 hour period is a sandwich and then there are days when I am constantly snacking.
As mentioned before I snap at the slightest thing with people, mainly family. when there is no reason to.
I am just down all the time. I spend my time aimlessly browsing the internet as I have little to no interest in doing anything other than really feeling sorry for myself.
I get the old feeling of wanting to cry but simply can't, mostly in times when I am on one of my mindless internet sessions.
I did a self assessment on the NHS direct website last night and scored a 17/27. It is basicly the PHQ-9 in the OP. So I decided to phone my GP and was told it'll be a week before they can see me. I made the appointment anyway but decided to phone the number given after the assessment only to find out it's not available in my area.
Just typical than when I do finally decide to get and try and get things sorted something gets in the way...
There are things I do need to talk about in addition to this but I don't think the time and venue is quite right now, especially on an open forum. I just wanted to use this post pretty much like a first step you know?
Thanks for your time guys and good luck to you all.
Posting for the first time in this thread but I have been popping in and out over the past few months. Didn't really think I'd end up posting but maybe doing so will go some way to helping me out.
I've never really been the type of person to be bouncing round with a love of life, rainbows and unicorns but for the past few years I have felt a bit more down than usual. Recently though I feel things have started to get a bit much. It's to the point now where my constant down moods and sheer irritability have started to have an impact on my relationships with family and friends. I am in this weird place where I want to be out and about with people but when I am I just distant and want to be left alone.
Recently I started paying real attention to my symptoms and reading various resources that I put two and two together and realised I may have a problem.
I am having real trouble getting to sleep.
If I am not in work I will oversleep constantly. It's mainly a case of waking up and thinking 'What's the point in getting up?' and then going back to sleep.
My intake of food is all over the place. There are days where all I will eat for a 24-30 hour period is a sandwich and then there are days when I am constantly snacking.
As mentioned before I snap at the slightest thing with people, mainly family. when there is no reason to.
I am just down all the time. I spend my time aimlessly browsing the internet as I have little to no interest in doing anything other than really feeling sorry for myself.
I get the old feeling of wanting to cry but simply can't, mostly in times when I am on one of my mindless internet sessions.
I did a self assessment on the NHS direct website last night and scored a 17/27. It is basicly the PHQ-9 in the OP. So I decided to phone my GP and was told it'll be a week before they can see me. I made the appointment anyway but decided to phone the number given after the assessment only to find out it's not available in my area.
Just typical than when I do finally decide to get and try and get things sorted something gets in the way...
There are things I do need to talk about in addition to this but I don't think the time and venue is quite right now, especially on an open forum. I just wanted to use this post pretty much like a first step you know?
Thanks for your time guys and good luck to you all.
Lack of things your looking forward to to, Book a gig or something for the next few weeks and your mind will focus on the positive.
Yeah it's probably anxiety, my mother has it and is addicted to bromazepam (addicted is a strong word but you can't come off that without serious health issues so yeah...) and while I feel perfectly normal and want to do stuff I have this thing that's screwing it all up and I can't push myself through it like I could with depression. (which I do not have anymore).
I did talk to professional once about my lack of focus, and she said I have anxiety but I really didn't feel she's qualified enough to diagnose me, can go for second opinion elsewhere but in the end only thing they'll say is do some meds that fuck you up totally and... yeah I don't know.
I don't know if this is part of it but I get completely obsessed with a single thing and can't really do much else until that thing is resolved, this can be good and bad but recently I had to wait for some response from university and wasted like 2 weeks doing nothing and just worrying and checking email every 5 seconds... Need to figure out if there's a way to deal with this without drugs.
I call it "crazyworld". Some nights my brain decides it wants to go on a rodeo to crazyworld.
Like last night. Laid in bed awake until 6AM.
Over time I'm figuring out the common triggers and components of those sorts of nights. But it's a slow process.
Yeah, I know. It's just my circumstances lately (moved back home for a few months, all of my friends have moved away - complete social isolation) have put a real weight on my interactions with my friends. It feels like I've got nothing interesting to say to them when I manage to get them on the phone.
I'm totally in love with this girl who's studying abroad for the semester. She's (allegedly) in love with me too but the biggest drag on the whole thing is (a) I have trouble believing her and am sure she'll realize I'm not good enough and move on and (b) I trust her so much but still feel the need to pretend things are going well with me because I don't want to ruin her time abroad.
I know this is the most disjointed overview of what's going on but I feel strange today and don't have the presence of mind to be coherent.
Luv you guys <3
smokeandmirrors
Banned
Probably in choosing in what I wanted to do during high school/college. That and it seems a lot of the things I found interesting were heavily criticized in my family for some reason so I ended up putting on a face to avoid being made fun of for liking something different or whatever.
InsaneZero
Member
Hi, Mental Illness-GAF! Nice to meet you all.
I'm going to be scheduling another appointment with my psychiatrist and my therapist soon after leaving them hanging for more than a year. Naturally, this makes me all sorts of nervous but this is something that had to be done with my ADHD and anxiety starting to rear its ugly head again. I'm also looking into a gym nearby as well.
Hopefully all this works well.
I'm going to be scheduling another appointment with my psychiatrist and my therapist soon after leaving them hanging for more than a year. Naturally, this makes me all sorts of nervous but this is something that had to be done with my ADHD and anxiety starting to rear its ugly head again. I'm also looking into a gym nearby as well.
Hopefully all this works well.
I can vouch for the gym. Easiest way to feel better. Go daily and keep at it.
InsaneZero
Member
It's something that I need to be doing anyhow, and if it feels great then all the better.
I could probably work on my degraded social skills at the same time.
Thanks, Mike. I was prescribed 10mg of citalopram, one a day.
Took my first earlier. Felt a little weird, but, also positive!
smokeandmirrors
Banned
Hell even if you don't want to go to the gym, throw on some good music and go for a walk/jog if the weather is nice. Works for me when I'm overloaded.
Femmeworth
Banned
It's hard to tell at this point. I'm not exactly swimming in opportunities, so that is going to color my view. I certainly find her attractive, but we might be too similar in how we function socially.
Education after high school is very important, as usually it will determine where you will end up long term career wise. Providing it is something that continues to engage you. What your family thinks of it doesn't matter, as it is something that directly affects you, and only you. A bit of advice is one thing, but nagging criticisms do no good for anyone. Do what is best for yourself, it's your life after all. Is there something else you would rather be doing instead right now?
I wouldn't let that cloud your judgement too much. This person may be your main opportunity at the moment, but that's not to say there would not be others. The way I see it, if you can attract a decent person at least once, it is very likely you can repeat the feat. As for the social communication, it can go either way. On the one hand, there could be less pressure, as they would understand you better. On the other, if both are quite introverted in some way, it can clash and lead to trickier communication.
Cameron122
Member
I got subscribed to new meds a week ago. They were working great until today.
I wish I was normal
I wish I was normal
Can I just publicly apologize for delivering a wedding toast, consisting of a FORTY MINUTE SOLILOQUY ABOUT MY PENIS on mumble last night. We obviously have some medication interaction issues to iron out.
*ahem*
I am so sorry.
(Every word of it was true, by the way)
*ahem*
I am so sorry.
(Every word of it was true, by the way)
smokeandmirrors
Banned
Oh yeah, I had always planned on higher education, no ifs ands or buts about it. Most of my family had attended college (indeed my father, grandfather and great grandfathers hold or held masters degrees in Physics so not going would have been a real slight upon me). I did grow up in a home where anything but "STEM MASTER RACE" in college was frowned upon, I do wonder if it is truly what I had wanted or was it just ingrained into me to the point where I have to find myself enjoying it because I'm supposed to. Just going through a bit of tough time because of the sheer amount of work in front of me and the fact that I graduate soon and I'm just exhausted.
Unrelated but I had wanted to learn an instrument among many things when I was younger but was never supported and teased about it when I tried to practice (guitar). I mean, who does that? Plus anything related to the arts wasn't necessarily mentioned positively in the house, so anything I may have wanted to do was kind of repressed due to wanting to fit into my family (I had issues fitting in anywhere when I was younger). I guess I feel like I never got the opportunity to express myself for fear of being made fun of by my brothers and sister or something, and I really hate that I let that happen.
I would like to write or do something but at this point it is far too late to do anything else for the time being. I am 90+ credits into a Computer Science degree and there is literally no backing out now. I am planning on spending a week or two away from things after I graduate to do the stereotypical thing and travel through Europe or something. Maybe I'll have a better grasp on things after that.
There isn't, and probably for a good reason, since if you have medical concerns the answer will ALWAYS be "go see a doctor, don't take advice from strangers on the internet".
Mental Health is different because talking about it is actually PART of the advice/cure/help.
That's a full 15% less of a chance than it would be if I was the one writing the letters!
Collete
Member
Why...
Why do I have to like people...
It just hurts me and everyone else in the process...
I never asked to like anyone, i was happy not liking anyone...FUCK
Lately i've been aware it has it's own voice...*sigh*
Go for the second opinion...Please...
Why do I have to like people...
It just hurts me and everyone else in the process...
I never asked to like anyone, i was happy not liking anyone...FUCK
The quotes I feel is my depression talking...It's like another human being...
Lately i've been aware it has it's own voice...*sigh*
Go for the second opinion...Please...
Femmeworth
Banned
Second date went fairly well. We started holding hands towards the end, which is a good sign. The voice in the back of my head is still quite negative, though.
The voice in the back of my head is still quite negative, though.Agent Cooper
Member
it's a purebread
wsoxfan1214
Banned
Had another random spell of anxiety attacks last week after being fine for 2 1/2 weeks after the initial bout of it. Doctor gave me some more generic brand xanax (0.5 mg) and told me to use it as a rescue medicine thing and to keep an eye on it if it continues long term. Need to go back for any refills so he can keep an eye on me.
Was pretty good today. Took a half of a pill because I had some anxiety during a long drive, but that's about it. Hope it's the start of another streak of being fine.
Was just irritated that I was fine for 20 years, got it for a week, was fine for almost three weeks and then it hits again.
Ugh.
Was pretty good today. Took a half of a pill because I had some anxiety during a long drive, but that's about it. Hope it's the start of another streak of being fine.
Was just irritated that I was fine for 20 years, got it for a week, was fine for almost three weeks and then it hits again.
Ugh.
ThoseDeafMutes
Member
Second date went fairly well. We started holding hands towards the end, which is a good sign.
Something something touchbarrier.
Anyway, I hope it turns out well.
That kind of pressure is understandable, and rather common nowadays. In a way, it is a bit of a concerning trend. People fresh out of high school going there, without any real idea as to what to do, just because everyone tells them they should. Then crashing and burning with only the debt to show for it. But I think if you subtract that, and you can honestly say "this is tough, but I'm interested, and engaged in what I'm doing" then you're on good ground.
That sounds rough, I've always disliked that sort of behaviour. Someone doesn't have the same interest as you, and doesn't understand it, so that somehow gives them the right right to belittle it. It's someone's individual interest that doesn't affect others, if humans all liked just a set list of things, we truly would be a dull bunch. But the creative things you mention, it is never too late to pursue those things. If you feel exploring that creative side of yours will help, then go for it! Just remind yourself that those interests are very much valid to you, and anyone elses input to that is unasked for and irrelevant.
With finishing off the degree, I can see how it would make it more tricky to fit the leisure time in. But it's a positive thing you have these different plans in mind, gives you a nice incentive to get through all the work and pass. And I hope you do, and best of luck with the future endeavours.
Lionheart1827
Member
I just got word from the reproductive doctor that I'm currently still infertile after 9 months since my last chemotherapy. I'm so depressed as I thought there would be at least some activity, but I'm producing 0 sperm.
I can't help but feel its just another thing added to the list that cancer has taken away from me. First my love, second my normal hair, now my ability to have children naturally. Everyone told me 2013 was supposed to be a great year for me, but it doesn't feel like it. I am tired of being heartbroken.
I can't help but feel its just another thing added to the list that cancer has taken away from me. First my love, second my normal hair, now my ability to have children naturally. Everyone told me 2013 was supposed to be a great year for me, but it doesn't feel like it. I am tired of being heartbroken.
I just got word from the reproductive doctor that I'm currently still infertile after 9 months since my last chemotherapy. I'm so depressed as I thought there would be at least some activity, but I'm producing 0 sperm.
I can't help but feel its just another thing added to the list that cancer has taken away from me. First my love, second my normal hair, now my ability to have children naturally. Everyone told me 2013 was supposed to be a great year for me, but it doesn't feel like it. I am tired of being heartbroken.
Fuck cancer. We need little lion cubs on this earth damn it.
Well, a 5 year long-term relationship was recently discarded into a bin.
We both became complacent and I apparently made her more sad than happy. We didn't communicate enough. We got lost in our own lives. So she lost sight of the future we had built together and arranged to do something drastic to "separate" herself from me. I won't disclose what it was because I don't want to vilify her, but it hit me like a dagger in the chest.
Prior to the end, she acted as if nothing was different and advised me to make several decisions with us in mind. She claims, now, that she hasn't felt anything in a "long" time. I don't know what to believe. Right now, she thinks this is what will make her happy.
We went on vacation together and had a fairly nice time. We acted as if we were in a relationship during the trip. She revealed the news at the very end and I damn near had a breakdown and said some awful things. We parted and I couldn't let go. I became paranoid and obsessive. We both became vindictive. Emotions ran high and things became tense.
I just made things worse. We both did, really. We still could hurt each other and we did over the following weeks. For whatever reason, we've both felt compelled to speak to each other. And when we do and we don't happen upon us, it feels like the old us before the decline occurred.
She thinks she wants to be "friends." She states she still cares. But I don't really know what we are anymore. I don't know how I feel. I know I miss her as a person and the door will always be partially cracked for me. It's just something I can't help.
It wasn't the fact that it was a break up. It was her. I don't really enjoy the dating process. I usually stick to casual things or "light" relationships. But I really committed to this one. This was the one I could see lasting. This was the one that was worth spending all night in her college apartment at the end of her semester, packaging seemingly endless bottles of nail polish until I passed out from exhaustion. This was the one pushing up the valleys for those glorious peaks. This was the one I envisaged a future with and believed it.
I could have the worst day, but feel so good lying next to them. It was like I was in a bubble, immune to the bad things. I usually shirked such things and was fairly independent prior to meeting them, but found solace for the first time in a way I didn't expect. You don't really know what it's like to be bereft of something until it's gone.
I liked the distance in some ways. We had our own space. We could go about our business and always come back. We scheduled time to spend in between semesters and daily happenings.
Building 5 years of resonance in a relationship is like finding and cultivating an island with someone. You decide to make it your own and you ignore other islands around you. Passing boats mean nothing because it's just you and this other person. Why leave? Then inclement weather looms and you have to prepare... But the other person isn't there. They had made a boat behind your back and decided to get away. So they speed off and the storm hits and you're alone. Despondency takes you and you're left with a bunch of shattered remnants you don't even know if you want anymore.
I don't know what my future holds. It's nebulous. The universe is unforgiving and capricious. But I do know I'll never forget this person. They'll always hold a soft spot in my heart.
I can't help but feel depressed. And I really can't afford to right now.
We both became complacent and I apparently made her more sad than happy. We didn't communicate enough. We got lost in our own lives. So she lost sight of the future we had built together and arranged to do something drastic to "separate" herself from me. I won't disclose what it was because I don't want to vilify her, but it hit me like a dagger in the chest.
Prior to the end, she acted as if nothing was different and advised me to make several decisions with us in mind. She claims, now, that she hasn't felt anything in a "long" time. I don't know what to believe. Right now, she thinks this is what will make her happy.
We went on vacation together and had a fairly nice time. We acted as if we were in a relationship during the trip. She revealed the news at the very end and I damn near had a breakdown and said some awful things. We parted and I couldn't let go. I became paranoid and obsessive. We both became vindictive. Emotions ran high and things became tense.
I just made things worse. We both did, really. We still could hurt each other and we did over the following weeks. For whatever reason, we've both felt compelled to speak to each other. And when we do and we don't happen upon us, it feels like the old us before the decline occurred.
She thinks she wants to be "friends." She states she still cares. But I don't really know what we are anymore. I don't know how I feel. I know I miss her as a person and the door will always be partially cracked for me. It's just something I can't help.
It wasn't the fact that it was a break up. It was her. I don't really enjoy the dating process. I usually stick to casual things or "light" relationships. But I really committed to this one. This was the one I could see lasting. This was the one that was worth spending all night in her college apartment at the end of her semester, packaging seemingly endless bottles of nail polish until I passed out from exhaustion. This was the one pushing up the valleys for those glorious peaks. This was the one I envisaged a future with and believed it.
I could have the worst day, but feel so good lying next to them. It was like I was in a bubble, immune to the bad things. I usually shirked such things and was fairly independent prior to meeting them, but found solace for the first time in a way I didn't expect. You don't really know what it's like to be bereft of something until it's gone.
I liked the distance in some ways. We had our own space. We could go about our business and always come back. We scheduled time to spend in between semesters and daily happenings.
Building 5 years of resonance in a relationship is like finding and cultivating an island with someone. You decide to make it your own and you ignore other islands around you. Passing boats mean nothing because it's just you and this other person. Why leave? Then inclement weather looms and you have to prepare... But the other person isn't there. They had made a boat behind your back and decided to get away. So they speed off and the storm hits and you're alone. Despondency takes you and you're left with a bunch of shattered remnants you don't even know if you want anymore.
I don't know what my future holds. It's nebulous. The universe is unforgiving and capricious. But I do know I'll never forget this person. They'll always hold a soft spot in my heart.
I can't help but feel depressed. And I really can't afford to right now.
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