So I have a major test tomorrow. A midterm, in fact. It's fairly difficult as I need to learn nearly 70 specific sections of the brain, as well as basically read 50 pages of assigned readings and lectures. I have very little confidence in my ability to pass it and am thinking of dropping the course.
I made a thread last week because I tend to procrastinate, and it happened yet again. Really, it affects all my classes, but this bio-psych class is bad in particular, since it's more difficult. I didn't do this major paper for it and now I have a major feeling of hopelessness in thinking I can achieve a good grade on this test. Logically, I feel I could, if I pulled a complete all nighter, but the work would be so overwhelming and I'd still probably make mistakes from lack of sleep. It just seems like such a huge hurtle, on top of also having some issues keeping up with my other classes. I recently got a C on another midterm (it's a class with only 4 exams and no other point opportunities. A C there means that unless I get a 100% on the next 2 tests, I'll be getting a B instead of an A, and I was hoping to have straight A's this semester), and I will be late in turning in my story for my creative writing class.
More than anything, I just feel like I failed my parents, who believe in me being able to do it. It's not that I tried and failed. I'm failing because I refused to try. Even though I just know that there is no way I can cram this ridiculous amount of information into my brain overnight. I honestly don't know whats worse, trying at task you feel is futile, or just giving up without even trying.
I was suppose to get a job in my housing's kitchen and work out more. I haven't done these things for no reason that I could think of, which also makes me feel guilty, which makes me feel worthless.
Being a student of psychology, I am seeing the signs for depression, though not enough for surefire diagnosis. Going through the list: Every week or so, particularly Thursdays for some reason, a strong depressive mood comes over me. Otherwise, I feel 'normal', but not necessarily happy. You need to feel depressed on more days than not for 2 weeks for a depressive episode. I don't think I necessarily have insomnia or hypersomnia, but I do have a very unstable sleep schedule. My interest in my entertainment is normal, but school work has diminished considerably lately as well as in applying for my job. I had some psychomotor retardation before, but not lately. Some loss of energy. Strongest indicator on the list is my feelings of worthlessness and guilt for failing this class. Harder to make concrete decisions and concentrate (as my faulty studying schedule shows). No suicidal ideation.
Other than feelings of worthlessness or guilt, I feel like I only partially qualify for everything except for the solid no on suicidal ideation and a solid yes on worthlessness and guilt. It's difficult to determine how long this thing has been sneaking up on me, but this has lasted either from 1 week or the last month or so, growing slowly so much that I can't percieve exactly when I got pushed into full depressive state. In addition, I am anxious and fearful of future events. From what I can tell, this is a borderline major depressive episode (though you need atleast two to qualify for Major Depressive Disorder).
I should probably see the school therapist, but the problem is the timing. I need to get better fast, and medication is better for that, but how much will I have to pay for it? I know we have school insurance, but I don't know if that will cover everything, and even if it does, will I get better in time?
I'm currently looking at the study notes in resentment. Part of me feels I can still do it, but as soon as I look over all the terms and stuff I have to memorize, it feels so overwhelming.
*sigh* Shit sucks.
