Mental Health |OT| Depression & Co.

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Feel like spilling my guts a bit...

Bi-polar/depression/anxiety runs in my family. My family doesn't know but I've been battling mood swings/depression since I was 19 (I'm 24 now). My family sees me as a super-productive go-getter but the reality is that I've been "self-medicating" by living as crazy a life as possible, basically to distract myself with new environments.

This past year I've lived in Hawaii, spent five weeks as a vagabond (sleeping outside) walking (yes walking) over 400 miles up the coast of California, lived in San Francisco and Alaska supporting myself working odd-jobs. My family sees me as a super adventurous go-getter and since I'm in grad school as very successful...My sister lives at home because of anxiety/depression, and I have a cousin who killed himself at about my age... I just feel like whatever is afflicting me is getting worse. I can't imagine living a life depending on a medication and telling my family that I need to see a psychiatrist and get medication just like my sister...I just can't imagine ever bringing myself to do that. I think I'd end up homeless in a gutter before I took that step.

I feel like I just keep self-medicating by making my life as crazy as possible and keep getting lucky but one day I'm going to get unlucky and my whole life will come crashing down. It's a pattern of severe depression, followed by a manic period where I plan all these insane grandiose things and keep myself together by just being determined to accomplish them no matter what.

Days like this I can't even bring myself to leave my apartment to get food. I'm supposed to be at a conference related to my field but I saw that between each session there is a "networking" period and damn near had a panic attack imagining that. I'm going to tell my advisor that I woke up sick...

I have no idea how to be a "normal" person at this point. I've been in my apartment for almost a month and am still sleeping on the floor. I've gone out for groceries once. I have one piece of furniture (although some of that is due to not having much money).

I have only really talked about this with one close friend (which i am so lucky to have). Sorry for the incoherent rant but right now it actually makes me feel better...many days I wake up and just ask myself what the hell am I doing...
 
FillerB said:
While it's true that depression is irrational and as such you can't really compare cases against each other, this is a _slightly_ different case. I know Bagels and Jb fairly well (although not nearly as well as I would like). What Bagels means by that comment is that he (in hindsight) just feels like crap complaining and attention-whoring about something fairly minor while Jb is more or less bláse about his own condition and isn't nearly as public about it. Basically he is just trying to be humble and nice and it's not really working since he's a big poophead who thinks I'm unsympathetic.
Click to expand...

No, this isn't a _slightly_ different case. Bagels shouldn't feel like crap about complaining and attention-whoring about something fairly minor. If he wants to feel like crap about something, he should feel crap about being a poophead. But if he, or anyone else isn't feeling good about something then they should feel a degree of freedom in talking about it. It's reasonable to talk to people. It's ok to take some of peoples time.

If someone wanted to talk to me about something they weren't happy with, I can listen easily. If I really didn't want to discuss it, it would take me all of two seconds to say so, so it's not a big deal. But in reality, if they think something is a problem, then that's good enough for me to listen. The fact that I've had periods in life where I wake up wishing I could kill myself doesn't make a difference, it doesn't reduce my ability to empathise. Whether someone is also suicidal, or they have depression, or they're worried about their homework or about applying for a job or they're embarrassed about something or something else serious or even some other issue that they think is trivial, I'm happy to listen to them and help them if they want and if I can.

Bagels said:
Man, why you gotta go after a man with Lyme disease like that? It's damn cold, heidern.
Click to expand...

Getting one over on you is an opportunity too good to miss. Even if it is taking advantage of your mental health issue. It feels almost as good as dipping this hotdog in ketchup. Yummy.

Agent Cooper said:
Oh, shut the hell up.

Getting kind of sick of the people coming up in here trying to be total asshats about everything.

This thread isn't for you to pick apart someone's post (which had jack shit to do with you, anyway) in some passive aggressive smiley-face-amirite manner. Be respectful or get out.
Click to expand...

This is what happens when you don't put ketchup on your hotdogs, you don't develop a sense of humour and start reading negativity where there is none. Look at jb, he knows what the goodness is all about and it's helped shape him into the kind person and talented musician he is today. If you get started you could become more like him. And if you're really lucky you might also become as charming, witty and good looking as me!
 
For starters, I'm not the poophead. You're the poophead, poophead.

heidern said:
Getting one over on you is an opportunity too good to miss. Even if it is taking advantage of your mental health issue. It feels almost as good as dipping this hotdog in ketchup. Yummy.
Click to expand...

The only question now is which mod to ask for you perma-ban, you sick freak. Is all of them too few?


heidern said:
This is what happens when you don't put ketchup on your hotdogs, you don't develop a sense of humour and start reading negativity where there is none. Look at jb, he knows what the goodness is all about and it's helped shape him into the kind person and talented musician he is today. If you get started you could become more like him. And if you're really lucky you might also become as charming, witty and good looking as me!
Click to expand...

1) Much to my chagrin, Coop does put ketchup on hotdogs. And she lets me know every damn time, too.
2) Coop is about 10 times more charming, witty, and good looking than anyone in this thread, which is saying something, you gorgeous people, you.

Poophead.

Was it not enough to PM you and admit defeat and then edit my post? Do I need to publicly declare that your point won the day? What more do you want from me, heidern? You, and Lyme Disease, have already taken everything!

/sobs
 
Oh boy... prepare for a long read.. (and probably a rambling one too, sorry in advance)

So..where to begin.. Well, I am obviously depressed and I don't know what to do about it. I suppose one way to look at it is to try to find a reason for my depression, right? About me: I am a college student who just moved to a new home and I am trying to simultaneously learn how to do everything one needs to do when living alone, trying to keep up with the increasingly difficult learning curve and trying not to end up as alone as I am currently ending up. (I have 0 friends at the moment)

So the solution would seem simple, correct? Get friends, study harder and deal with the cooking, cleaning and money issues. Right.. it just doesn't feel nearly that easy. About money, I need to work, but I don't think I could take a job on top of everything right now. (I am not that desperate about money though, it is the least of my concerns) Living in the house is also relatively easy, but these small issues add up to the bigger ones I have.
And what are those bigger issues? Well, lack of studying motivation is a huge one. Now, I know I shouldn't blame my parents about this... but I blame my parents about this. They have always told me to study hard. And learn everything perfectly. Which I pretty much did.. but it was never enough. If I got perfect scores -1 that was terrible. If I had any free time, that free time should have been spent studying. If I did get a perfect score, there was never any rewards, but severe punishments followed if I did "only" very well. Over time this lead me to try to spend all of my free time doing something fun and time-wastey like playing video games. Now all I have is time. Guess what follows. I am pretty much at loss how to deal with this, the long years of forced to study all the time instead of when I enjoyed it destroyed my interest in pretty much every subject. And it is not at all easy to regain what is lost. It also doesn't help that I am in the best level, hardest university in my country.

Another huge issue.. my lack of friends. There are 'loads of reasons for this, but they can be summed up by simply stating that I don't trust people. And why is that? I once again blame someone, this time my father and my father alone. Every day, and I do mean every. Single. Day. He would tell me in some new creative way how I was no good. How I had no friends, looked weird, acted weird, stood wrong, had the wrong type of hair, was a waste of life, didn't spend my time productively enough.. the list goes on pretty darn long. And he doesn't say it, he usually screams it and hammers it in for minutes or sometimes if he is really mad, he goes on for hours. He never needs a reason to begin, I am watching TV, scream, I am eating, scream, I am reading, scream, I am outside, when I come back he screams.. I begun ignoring him entirely long ago, so it didn't bother me per se, but when you go trough years of stuff like this.. it wears you down. I wouldn't call him a generally good man either.. he is an antisemitic, homophobic, fundamentalist, creationist, short tempered and hateful person.. And I haven't had a good experience with people in general either.

My days sort of pass by. I am mostly alone, doing nothing much, thinking about nothing much. I am not suicidal (yet?), but I do often wonder what the point is. Everyone is just going by their life, very few have a grand goal and every single one of us is going to die. And I am going to die alone, bored and probably having achieved nothing in my life.

And that is a reasonable summary of why I am depressed.
 
Darkwater said:
Sorry to hear this. Still, don't fall into complete lethargy. Stay active. You'll thank yourself in the long run. Are you seeing a professional?
Click to expand...

I am not seeing a professional, no. (Even though I think it is offered for free by the university, I don't think I could trust someone [non-anonymously ] with my state) And I know that I should be active and I know it is great for the long run, but actually doing this is where my problem lies.
 
Collete said:
I don't even know what this thread is anymore...
Click to expand...

Recent squabbles aside, it's still a place for all things mental health, including, but not limited to

1) describing what's going on in your life
2) asking for advice
3) sharing experiences
4) discussing mental health resources
5) sharing artwork that is either about mental health or helps your mood
6) getting to know one another, feeling less alone, finding friendship, fighting this thing together
7) discussing issues like relationships and family
8) encouraging one another
9) joking around/being a community/sharing our lives

The things that are less welcome are defeatism and displaying an ignorant attitude towards mental health ("man up" type crap advice, etc.).

Things that should be less welcome, but happen all the time anyway: calling Bagels gay, putting ketchup on hotdogs.
 
May I have your attention for a general announcement? In 1.5 hours we'll be organizing an online game of "Cards Against Humanity" to play with DepGAF. You are all free to join (or just listen) in on our shenanigans while we try to make the most politically incorrect statements possible.

For those that don't know what "Cards Against Humanity" is, let me sum up the game real quick for you. It is an extremely simply game. Each round a random player is chosen to be the Card Czar. This Czar plays a black "Question" card. The other players then play one (or two or three depending on the question) "Answer" card to answer the Question. Then the Czar chooses which answer he or she thinks is the funniest and awards them an "Awesome Point". The first to a certain amount of points is declared the winner.

The fun of this game comes from the fact that the Questions and Answer-cards are not exactly suitable for polite conversation. Examples of questions are "Daddy, why is mommy crying?" and "During sex, I like to think about _____". These innocent questions can then be answered using cards such as "An asymetric boobjob", "Eugenics" and "The Hamburglar". Very classy.

As you can imagine most of the fun comes from making silly voices and speeches during play. So that's why we play using a Mumble server and an online client! If you want to join, come drop us a line in the IRC.

Client: http://pyz.socialgamer.net/game.jsp
IRC: tinyurl.com/DepGAFChat
Mumble: [use the .mumble command while in the IRC-channel]

We're playing from 22:45 CEST (20:45 GMT | 16:45 EDT | 13:45 PDT ).
Or 1 hour and 15 minutes from time of this post.
 
Hermii said:
Bagels is so gay. I love hotdogs with ketchup.
Click to expand...

All of those things are accurate. Also, only big nerds get lyme disease.

And yes, everyone take Filler up on this offer. We have had quite a few games, and always turns out to be lots of fun. Ideal for a mood "pick me up".
 
I'd gladly join the game but I haven't slept last night (I was chatting with dGAF :p) and the doc I saw earlier gave me some sleeping pills so... ;_;
 
CAH is the greatest game.

Also, hi, MHGAF. I'm not especially depressed, but I have some Issues that should probably be worked out, and I'm stressed all the time (all.the.time.), and my school's health center (I'm a grad student) offers six free sessions per semester, and apparently the counselors are really wonderful. I've considered therapy-type stuff for a while but I've never done it. I don't know where to begin, what to ask, what to say, anything. Um. Vague plea for help?
 
hey_monkey said:
CAH is the greatest game.

Also, hi, MHGAF. I'm not especially depressed, but I have some Issues that should probably be worked out, and I'm stressed all the time (all.the.time.), and my school's health center (I'm a grad student) offers six free sessions per semester, and apparently the counselors are really wonderful. I've considered therapy-type stuff for a while but I've never done it. I don't know where to begin, what to ask, what to say, anything. Um. Vague plea for help?
Click to expand...

Just say you need an appointment with a councilor. I dont think you need to state a reason.
 
FillerB said:
May I have your attention for a general announcement? In 1.5 hours we'll be organizing an online game of "Cards Against Humanity" to play with DepGAF. You are all free to join (or just listen) in on our shenanigans while we try to make the most politically incorrect statements possible.

For those that don't know what "Cards Against Humanity" is, let me sum up the game real quick for you. It is an extremely simply game. Each round a random player is chosen to be the Card Czar. This Czar plays a black "Question" card. The other players then play one (or two or three depending on the question) "Answer" card to answer the Question. Then the Czar chooses which answer he or she thinks is the funniest and awards them an "Awesome Point". The first to a certain amount of points is declared the winner.

The fun of this game comes from the fact that the Questions and Answer-cards are not exactly suitable for polite conversation. Examples of questions are "Daddy, why is mommy crying?" and "During sex, I like to think about _____". These innocent questions can then be answered using cards such as "An asymetric boobjob", "Eugenics" and "The Hamburglar". Very classy.

As you can imagine most of the fun comes from making silly voices and speeches during play. So that's why we play using a Mumble server and an online client! If you want to join, come drop us a line in the IRC.

Client: http://pyz.socialgamer.net/game.jsp
IRC: tinyurl.com/DepGAFChat
Mumble: [use the .mumble command while in the IRC-channel]

We're playing from 22:45 CEST (20:45 GMT | 16:45 EDT | 13:45 PDT ).
Or 1 hour and 15 minutes from time of this post.
Click to expand...

Hell yes
 
Collete said:
I don't even know what this thread is anymore...
Click to expand...
I know what you're saying. I've kind of dropped out after I realizing my bitching and whining falls of deaf ears for the most part.

I can understand since my shit is petty in comparison anyhow and I'm just whining.
 
Darkmakaimura said:
I know what you're saying. I've kind of dropped out after I realizing my bitching and whining falls of deaf ears for the most part.

I can understand since my shit is petty in comparison anyhow and I'm just whining.
Click to expand...

Your shit is in no way petty. We just went through this discussion again across the last to pages. You're obviously suffering, man. That is not petty. It matters.

I've read everything you've ever posted, as have numerous others. We had a lurker come in to chat today and talk about reading all of the posts in here. People are not getting overlooked. The issue is that venting-style posts ("bitching and whining") can be nearly impossible to respond to. There is usually no direct question for anyone, any advice that is given is dismissed in subsequent replies ("that will never work because..." This is basically what earned neojubei some time away from the thread. It completely exhausted people), and long strings of these kinds of posts (and they often occur in strings) end up discouraging all posting, because things become so bleak.

There's nothing wrong with posts that are just there to be read, for you to get stuff off your chest. That stuff is always fine if it helps you. It's really only a problem if you're just shitting on yourself, or if you ask for replies, and then you just shoot down all attempts to engage you in a dialogue. I'm not saying this is what you're doing - it's just a general thing that happens. If you can turn a personal post into something that can be discussed ("I'm so dumb" -> "how do you deal with the feeling that you're dumb?") or has some kind of question.

But please never worry that people don't read what you say. Everything does get read. By multiple people.
 
Hermii said:
Just say you need an appointment with a councilor. I dont think you need to state a reason.
Click to expand...

Oh, cool. That seems pretty easy, then. I do know you have to do a triage session, I guess to determine what your needs are and which counselor will work for you, maybe?
 
I've been safely lurking for awhile but I have a question (hope that's all right): does anyone find that the change of seasons hits them harder than it seems to affect others? I've been solid after making some changes but something about the weather turning is pushing me down and making me a little blue. Is this something others tend to experience as well?
 
bluepolicebox said:
I've been safely lurking for awhile but I have a question (hope that's all right): does anyone find that the change of seasons hits them harder than it seems to affect others? I've been solid after making some changes but something about the weather turning is pushing me down and making me a little blue. Is this something others tend to experience as well?
Click to expand...
Haha yeah it's called SAD (seasonal affective disorder). It's normal in the sense that it seems to happen to plenty of people, so you aren't alone :P
 
MooMoo said:
Haha yeah it's called SAD (seasonal affective disorder). It's normal in the sense that it seems to happen to plenty of people, so you aren't alone :P
Click to expand...

I'm familiar with SAD—my doctor stresses extra D since I live in New England—but I always associated that with the darker months of winter. I wasn't aware that it could kick in this early in the year. It feels awful. But thanks.
 
Bagels said:
Your shit is in no way petty. We just went through this discussion again across the last to pages. You're obviously suffering, man. That is not petty. It matters.

I've read everything you've ever posted, as have numerous others. We had a lurker come in to chat today and talk about reading all of the posts in here. People are not getting overlooked. The issue is that venting-style posts ("bitching and whining") can be nearly impossible to respond to. There is usually no direct question for anyone, any advice that is given is dismissed in subsequent replies ("that will never work because..." This is basically what earned neojubei some time away from the thread. It completely exhausted people), and long strings of these kinds of posts (and they often occur in strings) end up discouraging all posting, because things become so bleak.

There's nothing wrong with posts that are just there to be read, for you to get stuff off your chest. That stuff is always fine if it helps you. It's really only a problem if you're just shitting on yourself, or if you ask for replies, and then you just shoot down all attempts to engage you in a dialogue. I'm not saying this is what you're doing - it's just a general thing that happens. If you can turn a personal post into something that can be discussed ("I'm so dumb" -> "how do you deal with the feeling that you're dumb?") or has some kind of question.

But please never worry that people don't read what you say. Everything does get read. By multiple people.
Click to expand...
Pretty much agree. But I shouldn't be posting my thoughts (i.e. little rants, whines and bitches) here. This is a forum, not a blog and I have no business doing such. If I vent, I should probably do it on Twitter or Farcebook.
 
hey_monkey said:
Oh, cool. That seems pretty easy, then. I do know you have to do a triage session, I guess to determine what your needs are and which counselor will work for you, maybe?
Click to expand...
They'll probably have you fill a form that asks you to summarize why you're coming in (as well as other medical history) but I've found that for sessions it helps me to have some notes ready so I don't feel overwhelmed. It's not an exam or anything like that, but writing a clear sentence about how I'm feeling and what I think the issues in my life are makes it seem less on the spot. :)
 
Darkmakaimura said:
Pretty much agree. But I shouldn't be posting my thoughts (i.e. little rants, whines and bitches) here. This is a forum, not a blog and I have no business doing such. If I vent, I should probably do it on Twitter or Farcebook.
Click to expand...

I think that's a good idea, so long as we still see you around here. There is still value in sharing with the community.
 
bluepolicebox said:
I'm familiar with SAD—my doctor stresses extra D since I live in New England—but I always associated that with the darker months of winter. I wasn't aware that it could kick in this early in the year. It feels awful. But thanks.
Click to expand...
Well I'm probably spouting BS now but I'm pretty sure it's more rare for it to happen in the spring/summer months because of the abundant sunlight/daytime. It's normal for it to happen in fall because of the gradual decrease in sunlight/increase of nighttime. But you're right in thinking that it's more commonly associated with winter because it's night more often than day.
 
Pau said:
They'll probably have you fill a form that asks you to summarize why you're coming in (as well as other medical history) but I've found that for sessions it helps me to have some notes ready so I don't feel overwhelmed. It's not an exam or anything like that, but writing a clear sentence about how I'm feeling and what I think the issues in my life are makes it seem less on the spot. :)
Click to expand...
That's great advice. Thank you.

Looks like I am coming in at a time of change, but real question: why is twitter or fb better for posting some things over a community like this?
 
Y'know... Loneliness is a feeling I've known and dealt with for a very long time.. I will never get used to feeling it. Yet... At the same time I wish to isolate myself from the world...
 
Hi guys.

Does anyone have to deal with auditory illusions? I've been having them a lot (I HOPE THEY'RE ILLUSIONS!) lately. What usually happens is I'll be anxious off the bat, without any real reason to feed my anxiety, and I'll suddenly start (thinking that I am) hearing a lot of negative things, kinda like if someone was whispering to their friends about me. My anxiety usually revolves around my appearance so I'm constantly having the idea that what I'm hearing is some sort of negative thing about how I look.

I don't know what to do. I can't walk down the street without feeling like the people around me are saying something. I even feel like when a car drives by and I hear a voice, the person is commenting on how my appearance. I KNOW THIS SOUNDS CRAZY :l but it really is a problem for me.

Any advice guys? Things are getting tough right now. A lot of stress in my house and the anxiety is making the stress very hard to handle...

On another note, how does ASMR work for people with Anxiety/Depression? Any success? How often do you use it?
 
hey_monkey said:
That's great advice. Thank you.

Looks like I am coming in at a time of change, but real question: why is twitter or fb better for posting some things over a community like this?
Click to expand...

In general, we very much want people to post about stuff here; what is bothering them, etc, because it help to just get it off your chest sometimes. What we don't want is people constantly talking about how awful/ugly/stupid/doomed they are everytime they post because it's not helpful. Also, we try to curb people always dismissing other people's advice attempts to help; ie 'No that won't work for me, I am hopeless.' Because again, it doesn't help anyone, and in fact can't hurt the feelings of those trying to help. We want people to be able to vent in the thread, but we don't want them to use it to constantly tear themselves down. We all have those moments, but personally I think it becomes a self fulfilling procphecy after awhile, constantly tearing yourself down further enforces that belief.

Wanted to add...

Everyone's issues are important, no matter how 'petty' they seem to some. They are important because of how they affect you, not because of how they compare to other people's problems. It's not a competition.

Forgive any typos, I am on mobile.
 
Dorimukyasuto said:
Hi guys.

Does anyone have to deal with auditory illusions? I've been having them a lot (I HOPE THEY'RE ILLUSIONS!) lately. What usually happens is I'll be anxious off the bat, without any real reason to feed my anxiety, and I'll suddenly start (thinking that I am) hearing a lot of negative things, kinda like if someone was whispering to their friends about me. My anxiety usually revolves around my appearance so I'm constantly having the idea that what I'm hearing is some sort of negative thing about how I look.

I don't know what to do. I can't walk down the street without feeling like the people around me are saying something. I even feel like when a car drives by and I hear a voice, the person is commenting on how my appearance. I KNOW THIS SOUNDS CRAZY :l but it really is a problem for me.

Any advice guys? Things are getting tough right now. A lot of stress in my house and the anxiety is making the stress very hard to handle...

On another note, how does ASMR work for people with Anxiety/Depression? Any success? How often do you use it?
Click to expand...

Might be an obvious question, but have you gone to the doctor about this?
 
Dorimukyasuto said:
Hi guys.

Does anyone have to deal with auditory illusions? I've been having them a lot (I HOPE THEY'RE ILLUSIONS!) lately. What usually happens is I'll be anxious off the bat, without any real reason to feed my anxiety, and I'll suddenly start (thinking that I am) hearing a lot of negative things, kinda like if someone was whispering to their friends about me. My anxiety usually revolves around my appearance so I'm constantly having the idea that what I'm hearing is some sort of negative thing about how I look.

I don't know what to do. I can't walk down the street without feeling like the people around me are saying something. I even feel like when a car drives by and I hear a voice, the person is commenting on how my appearance. I KNOW THIS SOUNDS CRAZY :l but it really is a problem for me.

Any advice guys? Things are getting tough right now. A lot of stress in my house and the anxiety is making the stress very hard to handle...

On another note, how does ASMR work for people with Anxiety/Depression? Any success? How often do you use it?
Click to expand...

I'd advise you see a doctor immediately. Auditory hallucinations are very serious and can be signs of a whole variety of different issues.

Please keep us posted on your situation!
 
Dorimukyasuto said:
Hi guys.

Does anyone have to deal with auditory illusions? I've been having them a lot (I HOPE THEY'RE ILLUSIONS!) lately. What usually happens is I'll be anxious off the bat, without any real reason to feed my anxiety, and I'll suddenly start (thinking that I am) hearing a lot of negative things, kinda like if someone was whispering to their friends about me. My anxiety usually revolves around my appearance so I'm constantly having the idea that what I'm hearing is some sort of negative thing about how I look.

I don't know what to do. I can't walk down the street without feeling like the people around me are saying something. I even feel like when a car drives by and I hear a voice, the person is commenting on how my appearance. I KNOW THIS SOUNDS CRAZY :l but it really is a problem for me.

Any advice guys? Things are getting tough right now. A lot of stress in my house and the anxiety is making the stress very hard to handle...

On another note, how does ASMR work for people with Anxiety/Depression? Any success? How often do you use it?
Click to expand...
I used to hear people calling out my name. Not at complex as yours, but they where caused by anxiety.
 
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