Mental Health |OT| Depression & Co.

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My psychologist told me last week to be kind to myself. Even if I was kind to myself or not, I still feel that nothing has changed about me. I got two zeros on my stats quiz, and expecting to get the third zero on a quiz I took yesterday. I usually have something to say or talk about when I'm alone, but I had a hard time on expressing myself in words. I go on and ranting on random things that doesn't go with what I really want to say. Seriously, when I'm alone and independent, I discouraged myself by insulting myself. My friend and my psychologist were telling me not to be hard on myself. It doesn't matter whether people tell me "don't be hard on yourself", "hang in there", "be kind to yourself" etc. I still feel like crap everyday. I still feel stupider everyday. I still feel I haven't overcome my weakness. My life is hitting rock bottom no matter how many times I lie to myself that I was going to change, study hard, so on and so forth. I'm just tired of everything that I have to do everyday. I just don't feel like doing anything at all. Despite the values I have that keeps me moving forward, I still get that feeling of not wanting to be in this world. I don't belong here, or anywhere for that matter. In other words, my life sucks and it will continue sucking till the day I die. What's the point of moving forward? I feel like dropping out in college because its going to be my waste of time. I'm going to graduate without a degree, for nothing, since I'm too stubborn in asking people for help. I hate asking people for help because they always reply me with questions which I'm unable to answer. It's as if they trying to make me look stupid or showing me that I don't belong in those types of classes.
 
Difficult afternoon, somebody casually mentioned my ex might be going out with somebody else.
I don't know why I care so much, because splitting up was right for us.
Just seems lately like one thing going wrong can send me to rock bottom.
 
Femmeworth said:
Good for you.

Looks like I should have been on Skype.
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I tore myself away from the computer, so it's alright. :) I'll be on late tonight though!

MisterLuffy said:
My psychologist told me last week to be kind to myself. Even if I was kind to myself or not, I still feel that nothing has changed about me. I got two zeros on my stats quiz, and expecting to get the third zero on a quiz I took yesterday. I usually have something to say or talk about when I'm alone, but I had a hard time on expressing myself in words. I go on and ranting on random things that doesn't go with what I really want to say. Seriously, when I'm alone and independent, I discouraged myself by insulting myself. My friend and my psychologist were telling me not to be hard on myself. It doesn't matter whether people tell me "don't be hard on yourself", "hang in there", "be kind to yourself" etc. I still feel like crap everyday. I still feel stupider everyday. I still feel I haven't overcome my weakness. My life is hitting rock bottom no matter how many times I lie to myself that I was going to change, study hard, so on and so forth. I'm just tired of everything that I have to do everyday. I just don't feel like doing anything at all. Despite the values I have that keeps me moving forward, I still get that feeling of not wanting to be in this world. I don't belong here, or anywhere for that matter. In other words, my life sucks and it will continue sucking till the day I die. What's the point of moving forward? I feel like dropping out in college because its going to be my waste of time. I'm going to graduate without a degree, for nothing, since I'm too stubborn in asking people for help. I hate asking people for help because they always reply me with questions which I'm unable to answer. It's as if they trying to make me look stupid or showing me that I don't belong in those types of classes.
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I don't know what to say except that I too do the self-hate thing. Especially for school stuff. I wish I knew how to get out of it, and I'm sorry that you're feeling this way.
 
FillerB said:
Hah. If they try that put on your best British accent and put the scallywags in their place. Deny you entree? We shall see about that!
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All went to plan. I was the one with the dirtiest shoes. Got some looks from some hunnies like, "oh what is HE doing heere (he's kind of cute tho)"

:|

It was a funny time. I have pictures I'll share soon.
 
I am going to ask my professor if I can take a leave of absence from the lab for about a month. I am sure she'll say no, but I'll at least try...
 
Shit that happened years ago is contributing to and triggering extremely depressed episodes for me. Does that make it possible I'm suffering from PTSD as well?
 
Pau said:
I don't know what to say except that I too do the self-hate thing. Especially for school stuff. I wish I knew how to get out of it, and I'm sorry that you're feeling this way.
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I wish there was a solution to how to get out of it but from my perspective there isn't. I dislike myself for so many things. I wish for a good career or a job, but that's not going to happen. I wish to do good at college, but that's not going to happen. Nothing good will happen to me.
 
A few people have said to me that they think I might have bipolar disorder. I've had problems with depression for years but haven't really considered whether I had bipolar before. I do have periods of being quite outgoing and productive but I don't know if those are manic or just being less affected by the depression. How would I know? Might go some way to explaining why I've not had much look with medication
 
Chipotle said:
A few people have said to me that they think I might have bipolar disorder. I've had problems with depression for years but haven't really considered whether I had bipolar before. I do have periods of being quite outgoing and productive but I don't know if those are manic or just being less affected by the depression. How would I know? Might go some way to explaining why I've not had much look with medication
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There's a mania rating scale in the OP, but it's a clinical tool, and it's only about the last 48 hours.

No one likes this answer, but you need to see a doctor. For the time being, you could try keeping a log of your mood for a bit. You can look at the things the Young Scale asks about and try recording if you have any spikes in those feelings - a decreased need for sleep, feeling more sexual than usual, spending more, talking faster, etc.

Bipolar II is a tough one to diagnose. The more info you have about your mood over a stretch of time, the easier time a doc will have seeing any signs and symptoms.
 
Chipotle said:
A few people have said to me that they think I might have bipolar disorder. I've had problems with depression for years but haven't really considered whether I had bipolar before. I do have periods of being quite outgoing and productive but I don't know if those are manic or just being less affected by the depression. How would I know? Might go some way to explaining why I've not had much look with medication
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You could only get a sure diagnosis from a psychologist/psychiatrist. It can affect you in different ways, I know two people that have a diagnosis. Moods can be quite varied at different times, from energetic and up beat, to irritable and aggressive. And it can change rather quickly too, and the moods can be very excessive without medication. Not in a position to say, but if these changes aren't frequent and intense, I would think it is pointing towards something else. Talk it through with a professional, if you can.
 
Also, I wish the people that say they are feeling bad would go into a bit more depth as to why that is. Giving more detail into your feelings could possibly lead to someone else having some insight that may make you feel a bit better. Which is a better option, since I think most of us are here for support in some way or another.

As for myself, I'm pretty mixed at the moment. My own issues have really brought things to a halt here. Never got that call back about pushing the psychology appointment up. Guess I will need to call them up again, at least I'm motivated enough to improve the situation here. Feel like I can offer something out there in the world to an extent, and the longer I feel like this, the more my life is wasted. Need to keep busier as well, during this long period of no occupation, I feel like I have slowed down, in terms of thinking and doing things. Depression could be a factor to that though, I suppose.
 
Folks, I'm leaving the community, for reasons that should be pretty obvious. My affection to the ones who struggled so valiantly to hold me together these last few months. If you still have hope, even a glimmer of it, hold on. And SAWAP.
 
jb1234 said:
Folks, I'm leaving the community, for reasons that should be pretty obvious. My affection to the ones who struggled so valiantly to hold me together these last few months. If you still have hope, even a glimmer of it, hold on. And SAWAP.
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Stay well, please don't leave for a dangerous reason jb. We're still here for you if you come back.

I got premission from Bagels to post this conversation we had...It made me smile and maybe it might make you smile as well:

9:45 PM -collete : you're president of MH
9:45 PM - collete: you're gonna do your best!
7:53 PM - Bagels: heh
9:53 PM - collete: as your second VP, i shall do my best to adjust this chandelier in the office since i have nothing else to do as a VP
7:53 PM - Bagels: i die
7:54 PM - Bagels: now you are prez4life
7:54 PM - Bagels: congrats!
9:54 PM - collete: cbf
7:54 PM - Bagels: go get 'em, tiger!
9:54 PM - collete: *kills self*
9:54 PM - collete: now it goes to fiction
7:54 PM - Bagels: dammit
7:54 PM - Bagels: she is busy writing fanfic
7:54 PM - Bagels: we're resurrecting you
9:55 PM - collete: noooo
9:55 PM - collete: get PRAX
9:55 PM - collete: AT PAX
7:55 PM - Bagels: she disppeared
7:55 PM - Bagels: LOL
7:55 PM - Bagels: PRAX ATTAX AT PAX
9:55 PM - collete: XD
Click to expand...
 
Collete said:
Stay well, please don't leave for a dangerous reason jb. We're still here for you if you come back.

I got premission from Bagels to post this conversation we had...It made me smile and maybe it might make you smile as well:
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heh heh that is too cute/funny. made me smile as well :)
 
I can't sleep and, am crying. I need help. My Mother was supposed to me find me a therapist but something happened with her recently and, she dealing with that. My Father is too busy with work. My Brother is the last person I want to help. I just want help before "things go crazy/bad/wrong...etc".
 
Baconbitz said:
I can't sleep and, am crying. I need help. My Mother was supposed to me find me a therapist but something happened with her recently and, she dealing with that. My Father is too busy with work. My Brother is the last person I want to help. I just want help before "things go crazy/bad/wrong...etc".
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If you're in the United States, do you have insurance? If so, all you need to do is ask your parents for you're insurance card. From there we can help you find a therapist if you'd like.
 
Baconbitz said:
Yes, im in the U.S. I'm on there insurance.
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There should be a number you can call (I don't know how it is for your insurance, but for mine it appears on the back of my card) for mental health. Providers tend to have a database of psychologists in your area who take the insurance. If you call the mental health number they'll tell you how to set up an account for the database.

This is how it worked with my insurance and I'm assuming that's how it is for a lot of others. If that isn't the case, googling your insurance can help. Actually, it might be a good idea to put some links to the steps for most U.S. insurances in the OP. I might do that tonight and do some research. :O
 
So today was a day.

My birthday was yesterday, which makes me mopey and depressed in a way that's kind of excessive for only turning 26. My boyfriend Sydney (who moved in just this past weekend) was being beyond kind to me on account of that, which I constantly felt guilty about. All that meant I woke up in kind of an off mood.

I was being kind of weird when we were doing breakfast and walking to work together, so after a bit of a think I poked him on Twitter. Came to three conclusions. One, Sydney's read of me as "plannerbunny" is more about me being obsessive about needing control (a big reason I commonly have trouble at work). Two, I can't handle being appreciated, much less loved, especially with how cuddly Sydney is. I have similar issues with my boss, in that he's very appreciative of my work and I feel really bad about it. Three, I have real trouble, nearly an inability, to actually relate to people, especially emotionally.

That made for a difficult conversation. It's hard to have a relationship when your instinct is to be extremely untrusting and controlling. Harder when you can't connect with anybody, even if you want to. Harder still when you're compelled to reject any sort of positive attention. And it's all quite painful when you're lucid enough to know that you're the one that's broken.

What made it worse was spilling all of this to Sydney and generally feeling like shit about myself, and.... he doesn't seem to care. I don't get it. It baffles me. I'm sitting there like "what's wrong with you? I hate me, why don't you hate me?" I tried, as best as I could, to understand how he could love me. And I was left thinking.... do I love him? Can I love him? Can I love anyone? I know I haven't before really, and I can't figure out if it's because I just haven't met the right person or if I'm completely incapable of it. But since I don't feel like I relate to anyone, even people I have things in common with... I sorta lean to the latter.

By the end of the conversation, Sydney was offering to move out. Y'know, if I needed to go back to living alone. That led to a weird argument; he wants me to be happy and honest with him, I want to avoid hurting him (because I couldn't possibly bear the guilt). And I couldn't help but think about the money situation; living together is cheaper. In fact, it seems like I always think about the money, all the time. I've been getting crazy about coupons, I contemplate the price of every single meal. It may be pragmatic, but it's also a persistent stressor. We're not poor, we're actually comparatively well-off, but I always feel poor.

On top of all this, it turns out Sydney and I both had crummy days at work. Which sucks.

So we're sitting here, both of us on the same couch, and I've got that sort of alone-in-a-crowd detached feeling I get when I try to socialize. We're not a connected, emotionally engaged couple, and it's my fault.

No, I don't know where I was going with any of this.
 
The pain is overwhelming some days. This is why I would love to turn that "depression switch" off. The knowledge, community (that is very discordant), the humbling, the feat and courage, the experiences are not worth it.

I have suffered too much pain, too much effort, too much money, too much health, too much time, too much patience, too much of other people to make it worth it.

I want, no. I desire to be normal. I know even then there are ups and downs, but it is worth than that constant downward spiral. It is as if I am swimming upstream and the current is keeping me in the same place.

Of course, to the rational and scientific (and you know how damn well I align myself that way), I am being a bit melodramatic. But pain is pain and I can not really disregard that I as I cannot disregard the weather.
 
A song for the day.


Do every stupid thing that makes you feel alive
Do every stupid thing to drive the dark away
Let people call you crazy for the choices that you make
Find limits past the limits
Jump in front of trains all day

And stay alive
Just stay alive

Play with matches if you think you need to play with matches
Seek out the hidden places where the fire burns hot and bright
Find where the heat's unbearable and stay there if you have to
Don't hurt anybody on your way up to the light

And stay alive
Just stay alive

People might laugh at your tattoos
When they do, get new ones in completely garish hues
I hide down in my corner because I like my corner
I am happy where the vermin play
Make up magic spells, we wear them like protective shells
Landmines on the battlefield
Find the one safe way

And stay alive
Just stay alive
Just stay alive
 
ClassyPenguin said:
The pain is overwhelming some days. This is why I would love to turn that "depression switch" off. The knowledge, community (that is very discordant), the humbling, the feat and courage, the experiences are not worth it.

I have suffered too much pain, too much effort, too much money, too much health, too much time, too much patience, too much of other people to make it worth it.

I want, no. I desire to be normal. I know even then there are ups and downs, but it is worth than that constant downward spiral. It is as if I am swimming upstream and the current is keeping me in the same place.

Of course, to the rational and scientific (and you know how damn well I align myself that way), I am being a bit melodramatic. But pain is pain and I can not really disregard that I as I cannot disregard the weather.
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I know the pain isn't worth it...I know exactly how you're feeling.
I've been wishing more and more that I didn't have this depression or pain...It isn't worth it.

But at the same time, I just know if you didn't have this depression, you wouldn't be you at all.
You would be someone I doubt any of us would take pleasure in knowing or you wouldn't be friends with the people you have right now, not just us in Mental Health GAF, even the friends outside of here.
You wouldn't be Classy.
 
Bagels said:

People might laugh at your tattoos
When they do, get new ones in completely garish hues
Click to expand...

This kind of reminds me about when I was having a lot of trouble feeling much of anything a few years back and getting tattoos and piercings was a kind of release- I got to feel something, or burn up some of the numb feelings in me with hot pain, and was left with a permanent reminder.
 
reflection.jpg
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Reflection
 
So, my request to take time off was basically not granted. This train keeps going until I have a breakthrough or I have a breakdown. Whichever comes first.
 
Working on schoolwork at campus sucks. These desks and chairs were not designed for computer use. I'm in the library, but the computer lab isn't much better. I bought a new laptop stand, which functions well. I just need a way to make using a mouse and keyboard more comfortable.
 
ClassyPenguin said:
I don't know if I'll make it through today.
I'm suicidal again. This time I don't know.
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i read your posts regularly and you really have a lot to offer the world and a lot of gifts that can and should bring you future happiness. i urge you to stay strong. you can do it.

(i don't have an inspirational youtube. sorry.)
 
ClassyPenguin said:
I don't know if I'll make it through today.
I'm suicidal again. This time I don't know.
Click to expand...

Classy, people in this world care immensely about you, whether you know it or not. They will always welcome you with open arms, and with a cottage in the Western night.
Please reach out to people (hell even me) and let us help you.
You still have my number, you have me added on multiple media sites, reach out and talk to us.
 
I found that pretty women smiling and waving at me helped immensely with depression. I'm pretty sure I'm out of it now, but I don't really know.
 
You have a gift, Penguino, many of them, actually. You're about 10x smarter than I am, and I actually (BAGELS EGO) think I'm pretty good at some of this stuff. You're a constant source of inspiration to me, and to a whole lot of people in this thread. We've had almost 100 listens to the podcast, and a lot of what made it good was your knowledge, your humor, and your passion for helping others with these problems. It blows me away, and it makes me want to try harder and be better and learn more.

You help so many of us and I know there are so many more lives you will touch. You will make a fantastic doctor, you have it in you to be the best I've ever met. I don't say that lightly, or to just blow smoke up your ass. The world needs a few more people like you.

I'll read things now, about psychiatry, sure, but also about literature, or politics, or music, and the thought, "Man, I need to talk to Penguino about this!" goes through my head more and more. We've talked about science, religion, music, movies, current events, literature - more or less anything you could think of - and there has not been a single time where you haven't taught me something and got me thinking. It's unreal.

This community needs that. Medicine needs that. Your friends need that. I need that. We need you here with us. You and I are a team. I wonder about my future, going back to school when I get better. Can I even do it? And I honestly think about you and I doing it together (going to school, not, you know....) and I think, "okay, we can do this..."

And by "this," again, I mean school, not make sweet, sweet love, so tender, so gentle, so...

*ahem*
 
Just fuck and get it over with, enough foreplay. :P

On another note, no one has responded to me on the dating site. Maybe if I came out as trans on there at least creepy people might hit on me. :(
 
How's everyone doing here on this night?
I had a pretty bad day.

Just one of those days where I wake up feeling low. The past few weeks have been such a roller coaster with my depression and my anxiety.

I thought once I started losing weight I'd finally think I look better but I feel worse about my appearance actually.

I don't really understand what the hell is wrong with me. Everything is manifested into and seems to revolve around my shitty appearance.
 
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