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[Bahorel]

Had a date and it went as usual.

It seemed like my date was pretty understanding, and she asked me why I was still single and I told her I've had ongoing health problems that interfered but I was feeling better. She then proceeded to ask me what the problems were- so, I told her I'm dealing with issues of anxiety and depression. Well, I could see that look come over her, "What do you have to be anxious and depressed about?". It was over.

Things got even worse from there, but you have the idea. What started out as a date- she was clearly into me, and then she immediately told me we were friends.

Every single time...

People suck.

Was this only a first or second date?

I'm a girl with intense anxiety/depression who's been trying to date but I don't mention it on any first impression dates because I know it's something that shouldn't come out until I trust them. you don't have to consider it hiding or lying if you wait until you're closer to bring it up. If they can't handle it they aren't a good match for you in the first place, so try not to think of it as much of a loss. I wish you luck on your next try and I'm sorry it didn't work out.

 

[Bounceounce]

I can't help but feel like my life peaked in the tenth grade, even though I'm only 20.
I wish getting over my depression would have been enough to bring me back to how I used to be (which I knew it wouldn't be and always tell people not to expect) or to at least make it easier to transfer over to a new mental state where I was at least at some semblance of normalcy, but I'm no more enthused about living than I was during that period.

Not to say there aren't a lot of differences, memory clearer, better sleep, no constant stabbing/pounding suicidal thoughts (even though suicide still comes up), I can laugh again and some piece of my joke telling ability had came back, real smiles, I can talk without mumbling or being overly nervous (still nervous though) and I can shout once again (while depressed it as like I couldn't shout at all, like I couldn't yell at someone to go do the dishes), feel more in my body/like waking up and feeling tingly, and a lot more.

But it's just not the same and I dont know how or what to change to instead of pining after the past.

If I can't recover socially or find a way to be invested in the world/life again then i might just try to bring myself to a point where I'm okay with a life of "nothing" and attempt to detach myself rather than just be disappointed, might be better than suicide, but I'm scared of trying to be someone new, I'm so used to this.

 

[TranceKuja]

I have social anxiety. Every time I have to go somewhere, like a supermarket or a family visit, I tense up immensely. My whole body is raging against me; I get nauseous, dizzy, feel like I'm gonna faint, puke, go crazy, my legs get wobbly, depersonalization.

Now everyone (including my therapist) tells me that exposure to these things will in time make the fear go away, but I'm not there yet. I go out there every day but it's the same cycle every time. I have some tools do deal with these things now including breathing exercises, but I feel like the part where shit gets easier the more you engage with it isn't really working for me.

On bad days it just feels like I'm confronting my fears for nothing, I will forever be anxious. Did anyone in this thread actually get better from exposure to fears?

 

[Evil Monkey DTT]

Hope is a mistake, you just open yourself to more disappointment. Promises mean nothing, and self value is impossible to obtain in the right conditions.

 

[AerialAir]

I have social anxiety. Every time I have to go somewhere, like a supermarket or a family visit, I tense up immensely. My whole body is raging against me; I get nauseous, dizzy, feel like I'm gonna faint, puke, go crazy, my legs get wobbly, depersonalization.

Now everyone (including my therapist) tells me that exposure to these things will in time make the fear go away, but I'm not there yet. I go out there every day but it's the same cycle every time. I have some tools do deal with these things now including breathing exercises, but I feel like the part where shit gets easier the more you engage with it isn't really working for me.

On bad days it just feels like I'm confronting my fears for nothing, I will forever be anxious. Did anyone in this thread actually get better from exposure to fears?

I did. Mind you, I still feel very anxious in certain situations and there are still things I just can't do, but I used to feel very much like you describe in almost every situation, and shutting yourself inside your house is the worst thing you can do. Yes, you have to go outside everyday, but don't go to the same exact places everyday, think of all the things you'd like to do and do them. Yes, you will feel terrible, and most times you won't be able to brave the situations you face, but if you get successful 1 out of 10 times, it's enough for your mind to start seeing those possibilities as an achievable reward, and with time you'll get used to facing your fears, and with that as a routine, they will slowly stop being fears. Be aware that these things take many years sometimes, but it works, your therapist isn't deceiving you.

 

[Astral Dog]

I have social anxiety. Every time I have to go somewhere, like a supermarket or a family visit, I tense up immensely. My whole body is raging against me; I get nauseous, dizzy, feel like I'm gonna faint, puke, go crazy, my legs get wobbly, depersonalization.

Now everyone (including my therapist) tells me that exposure to these things will in time make the fear go away, but I'm not there yet. I go out there every day but it's the same cycle every time. I have some tools do deal with these things now including breathing exercises, but I feel like the part where shit gets easier the more you engage with it isn't really working for me.

On bad days it just feels like I'm confronting my fears for nothing, I will forever be anxious. Did anyone in this thread actually get better from exposure to fears?

You have to keep pushing yourself, but imo its not only about going to stressful situations, but calming your mind and pattern of thinking and that takes time, so don't feel bad when you don't see progress over weeks/months.

Also, breath excercises, calm down and start feeling better. In my worst i was someone that started trembling or crying if pushed enough and that brought a lot of anxiety and stress. You will be going one step at a time until the uncomfortable becomes normal or tolerable.

For better results do stuff that you like and get away from negative persons


Edit: post above is right don't feel afraid of trying new things or going outside your zone, doing that will make you more secure and confident

 

[neojubei]

I think I am finally in that place that I can let go and die.

 

[DOWN]

I think I am finally in that place that I can let go and die.

Don’t let go. You are worth too much for that. There’s too many better times to be had still.

Please just try calling or using the resources in the OP. Talk about it.
1-800-SUICIDE

 

[neojubei]

Don’t let go. You are worth too much for that. There’s too many better times to be had still.

Please just try calling or using the resources in the OP. Talk about it.
1-800-SUICIDE

My mind feels like a pendulum swinging back and forth

 

[Omega Ultimus]

My mind feels like a pendulum swinging back and forth

Would you mind telling us exactly what you're going through, neojubei? I know you're in a bad place right now, but let's talk about what specifically has you feeling so down. I and others would very much appreciate it because we want to help.

 

[BossRush]

I'm back in mental hell. I KNOW for a fact that the reason I'm failing at everything is that I don't try hard enough or practice enough or put aside my own selfish wishes for others more often but I'm just a lazy piece of shit that'll never learn. The solution is right in front of me but I'd rather just go nowehere in life.

 

[bluethree]

re: dating, everyone is different but personally I wouldn't mention something like that very early on. Even for people who want to be understanding it's a lot to have to deal with when you're first getting to know someone. I'd save it for later but I can understand wanting to get it out of the way so you can filter out people who wouldn't be so understanding.

Not that it'd matter for me personally since my dating life is going nowhere. Part of the reason I'm feeling so down these past few weeks.

I'm also feeling a bit stressed and anxious because getting a renewal at my job isn't 100% guaranteed. I really like it and it's honestly the only really good thing I have going for me now so I don't want to lose it. Nothing else is terrible, but I'm just feeling down in general lately despite things not being terrible.

 

[Baron_Calamity]

Any quick tips to prevent depression from feeding into anger?

 

[neojubei]

Any quick tips to prevent depression from feeding into anger?

Try listening to music

Would you mind telling us exactly what you're going through, neojubei? I know you're in a bad place right now, but let's talk about what specifically has you feeling so down. I and others would very much appreciate it because we want to help.

Just the guilt of not achieving any goals and failing in life compared to my peers and friends. On top of that seeing so many people in relationships and getting married and I haven't even had any relationship. When I go on to dating apps I surely see how horrible old and ugly I am compared to everyone on there.

 

[Anung]

Any quick tips to prevent depression from feeding into anger?

Sleep or take diazepam.

 

[Menthuss]

Just the guilt of not achieving any goals and failing in life compared to my peers and friends. On top of that seeing so many people in relationships and getting married and I haven't even had any relationship. When I go on to dating apps I surely see how horrible old and ugly I am compared to everyone on there.

I feel hypocritical saying this as it's something I'm struggling with a lot as well but you shouldn't compare yourself to others. I highly doubt the people around you have struggled as much as you have.
Also, I don't think you should be looking at dating until you're happy with yourself first. A partner should be an additional source of happiness in your life, not your main one. There was someone on GAF who made a topic a while back on how he felt severely depressed and suicidal because his wife left him. He poured way too much of himself into his wife and as a result, he completely fell apart when their relationship ended.

Do you have any hobbies or things you enjoy doing? If not, I recommend just trying out a bunch of new things, like cooking classes or wall climbing.

 

[SomethingWitty]

Hello everyone. I don't post in this thread (or on gaf) that often, but I usually find an outlet being somewhat helpful for myself.

Last time I posted here, I was pretty delirious. I was repeating random stuff and just typing out of my stream of conscious.

Since then, some things got better. I learned I had codependence issues and I have trying to navigate out of it in regards to my parents' relationship issues. I set good boundaries with them and telling them what my needs are in order to prevent myself from getting into the conflict.

I took my second midterm on Comp Sci data structures and I am on pace on scoring either an A- or an A in the class which is good. Although, I will feel honestly disappointed if I don't get that A since it would make declaring in CS so much easier. But I need to find a way to decrease my high standards since it usually just increases my anxiety and depression.

But since I set boundaries with my parents, my depression and anxiety has escalated. I don't really have anything I want to do. I don't have motivation to watch anime or play video games or go to the movies. I go to the gym 3 times a week but that's only such a small time waster with all the free time I have after therapy and class.

Another reason for my depression and anxiety is escalating is over-analyzing my thoughts. I keep thinking to myself ,"Am I liberal enough? Should I trust this source? Should I laugh?" I have some kind of paranoia/trust issues about this. This especially happens when I browse gaf or walk around my campus (Cal) which seems to be much more liberal than the norm. Good discussion and debate and retorts can be found here. And I like opening my ignorant mind to issues I did not know existed. But at the same time, I feel anxious and depressed that there is conflict, that things can get really volatile easily. I want to contribute, I want to ask and learn more, but I fear the response.

Does anyone have any advice for the issues I described in my last two paragraphs?

 

[neojubei]

I feel hypocritical saying this as it's something I'm struggling with a lot as well but you shouldn't compare yourself to others. I highly doubt the people around you have struggled as much as you have.
Also, I don't think you should be looking at dating until you're happy with yourself first. A partner should be an additional source of happiness in your life, not your main one. There was someone on GAF who made a topic a while back on how he felt severely depressed and suicidal because his wife left him. He poured way too much of himself into his wife and as a result, he completely fell apart when their relationship ended.

Do you have any hobbies or things you enjoy doing? If not, I recommend just trying out a bunch of new things, like cooking classes or wall climbing.

i understand what you are saying but i really dont want to be old gay and alone which seems to the case. seeing people dating, doing boyfriend tag videos online or getting marries just makes me realize how ugly and horrible i am, i cannot even date. I'd like to meet someone go on dates, take trips as a couple, heck even just cuddle watching netflix. just realizing im not attractive to anyone makes me even more depressed. i wonder why i have to exist in a world that doesnt want me to. i mean if anything my death would benefit me and everyone else. if i am going to be old and alone why not dead and alone. I look my straight male cousins who were womanizers, they dont have their head on straight for anything and yet somehow ended up marrying women that love them and having kids. I'm already past the age to have any kids which disappoints me. i think i will rather come to terms with suicide than just growing old and alone and seeing everyone else experience stuff i wish i could have in my life.

 

[TheUzukiLives]

Hey, everyone. Long time reader, recently approved user. I really want to get this off my chest, because I don't really have anyone irl that I can turn too. And what better place to discuss my mental health then gaming site with strangers, right?

So I've dealt with depression since I was a kid. Suicidal thoughts for almost as long. It's an on and off thing and until recently I've been able to fight the urges to just take my own life. What kept me from going through with it was a combination of the lack of access to relatively painless and easy way, how much of mess it'll make, and not wanting to take traumatize my baby brother and mother. But with my mother gone, passed away from cervix cancer, and giving custody of my brother to my uncle I've just been sprawling into this rabbit hole that of despair that I call a mind for the last year and a half.

I've pushed away most of my adult friends and my family has never been tightnit. Some of it stems from my own social anxiety and awkwardness, but it's mostly because my family can be right assholes sometimes. They have a old school mentality, you gotta pull yourself up by the bootstraps, be a manly man, and shove those emotions down kind of thinking. Which is very difficult to talk to them about this stuff because the conversations always go "We all have to deal with this kind of shit, it's called life, suck it up and be a man" or "Maybe you should admit yourself to a psych ward. There isn't much we can do, sorry". This hurts. A lot. Especially when I do push through my fears and reach out only to be greeted with what I knew what they were going to say. So I've pretty much severed ties with them.

I know I should see a therapist or admit my self to a hospice, but I don't have any medical insurance or Medicare. I live in the South of the U.S. in a red state flipping burgers for living. I don't make enough to pay the monthly insurance, but I make too much to qualify for Medicare, so I'm just stuck in a ouroboros of not getting the help I know I need.

At the moment I'm just feeling Neutral. Not bad, but not exactly good either. I just came out of the worst of my depression cycles and I'm gonna do the process of seeing if I still have my job and get back to working. I know it's not the right thing to do, but there isn't anywhere else I can turn. If you made it to the end of this sad wall of a rant then thank you for listening. I just really needed to get this off of my chest.

 

[Hamarr]

Of course it's ok for you to post here <3.

Thanks.

Do any of you have techniques you use to help with acceptance? I am dealing with some anger issues and paranoia right now.

I called the suicide hotline last weekend because of how stressed I sometimes get. I have been using them as emergency counseling, but won't be doing that anymore. They called a wellness check on me Friday night/Saturday morning. The cops came out and took me to the ER. They wouldn't talk to me or anything. The only option I had was to go voluntarily or in handcuffs.

I was really pissed off and frustrated most of the weekend. I spent 11 hours in teh ER, and then a day and a half in a mental hospital. The psychiatrist and social workers I spoke to all agreed that I didn't need to be in there, but I couldn't be let out until we got a judge to life the involuntary hold. They let me go early Sunday evening, but were going to hold me another night if they couldn't reach my brother. I about lost it in there at that point, after being calm most of the day. I am not generally a violent person, but I just starting visualizing beating the crap out of the cops I spoke to.

I am also now feeling like I can't speak to any mental health people or I will get stuck back in the hospital. My dog was sick and kept me up all night on Monday night/Tuesday morning. I took a nap in the afternoon and accidentally slept through my appointment. I woke up to the police knocking on the door and an anonymous call. I spoke to them for a few minutes, but it seemed like they didn't trust that I was okay. I was just sleepy from being up on all night and groggy from the nap.

I know they mean well, but I really can't afford to be in teh hospital right now. My home is in foreclosure, and I have to be out by the 7th in order for the current buyer to not back out of the deal. If he does, there's a good chance I walk away from my house with nothing to show for it and no money for a deposit and first and last month's rent. I am also dealing with a lot of debt, and this visit added another $4k after my insurance. I make too much to qualify for any assistance.

I am really trying to control my anger the last few days. There's nothing I can do to get that time back, but I feel so out of control knowing that someone with the backing of the state can throw me in a mental hospital at any point and I can do nothing about it. It doesn't matter if it costs me my job, costs me my living arrangements or anything else. I feel like I need protection from the "help" they are trying to give me.

I also feel like the mental health people around think of me as a psycho or something. This has given me a stigma on top of my depression and anxiety issues. The one plus side is that I am doing well fighting against suicidal thoughts. I can't afford to have them, and I can't afford to have anyone find out I am having them. The down side is that this means i can't explore them in a helpful way with a counselor. I don't think I really want to kill myself, it's mostly a way of wanting to escape extreme amounts of stress.

I am thinking of dropping my counselor for the time being. I feel like I need one, but I can't risk what they might do to me. And I feel like now there are multiple people waiting for me to slip up. I feel like I broke the law and am dealing with an unhelpful parole officer. Except I go back to the mental hospital instead of jail.

 

[RoyaleDuke]

Lost my therapist today.

No money for food.

People keep telling me everything is gonna be alright and that they see some great potential in me that I can't see or can't deliver on because where is my success?

Where is my life?

Where is anything that mattered to me?

I don't feel like anything is worth doing anymore. I don't even feel joy from video games and I'm just so fucking tired of everything and my situation.

 

[half a moon]

Where do mental hospitals send homeless who need disability? Can they speed up the 2 year probable battle?

 

[CortexVortex]

Depression strikes once again. It's just not worth it anymore. There's no way things will improve. I really am a total failure.
I will never release a game or achieve any of the dreams I once had.

A few years ago, everything seemed to work out for once and I fucked up. I've had enough of this bullshit.

 

[jsnepo]

I never considered money to be a good reason to be depressed about but the pressure is really pushing me. So much pressure and I kind of put myself here by trying to please everyone I know be it family or friends. As soon as I get myself out of this mess, I'll disappear. I don't care what other people think. I won't care about what people will say or feel regardless if they are family or not. I am tired.

 

[brianjones]

man I'm so sick of spending endless Friday and Saturday nights alone in my room

part of me wanted it this way cause I isolated myself from everyone who tried to be a friend but it gets to you after a while.. I think humans were meant to be social creatures

 

[How About No]

Depression strikes once again. It's just not worth it anymore. There's no way things will improve. I really am a total failure.
I will never release a game or achieve any of the dreams I once had.

A few years ago, everything seemed to work out for once and I fucked up. I've had enough of this bullshit.

Are you trying to make a game currently? What style/engine? Do you have a job in the game industry? School?

What problems are you running into currently, and why do you not think you'll improve?

I would consider myself a wannabe game designer, barely touched actual scripting or programming but I have a drawers full of maps, flowcharts and notes on graphpaper. Hell, I'm still adding and thinking about a "project" I started about 14 years ago (I was about 14 lol). Like, just yesterday I just thought of some stuff that might make a certain scenario a bit cooler and smarter. I don't even know why, that "project" is supposed to be on the backburner for a much smaller more manageable project (which means it should be done in 2025 instead of 2050 lol), and that smaller project is on the backburner while I get a portfolio together to break into the art/asset creation field. And then maybe learn some coding and scripting on the side while I'm getting experience in the industry.

So I got an Associates Degree...in 2012. Haven't gotten or tried to apply to a single job yet. Didn't really focus or want to do the programming, but I absolutely loved the idea of 3d modelling and makin' cool scenes and items, and want to put a portfolio together for that. Been working low-wage retail jobs from then til now, making a some stuff here and there in my downtime, never finishing anything and always getting bored and starting something new. Only last year I set up an Artstation to post stuff, but haven't really had anything to fill it out.

I HAVE, since last year, been attempting to focus. Almost everything I do is related to one big scene, and I'm trying to not work on anything else until I can call it finished. But, for me, as I'm finding out...focusing can be hard. I can have bouts of productivity, but most of the time I'm going at a snail's pace whilst I get distracted by videos, NeoGAF, and hunger. Some days I get extremely frustrated with myself when I see I barely did a thing, despite the free time I could have used for it. I think it's bad enough that I may need to see someone soon to see if I have some mild symptoms of ADHD which is likely by this point...(but that will be another post in the future.)

But hey, not able to make your game right now? You have some cool ideas for your game? That's fine, do what you're doing in the meantime to maintain your livelihood. Sit on those ideas. Think about it when your mind's free. Doodle some shit you think would be awesome to include. Play out scenarios in your head. Revisit old ideas, think if they could still work or not. Think about why you thought those ideas were good in the first place, and you've got a library to work from.

I don't know if this helps you or not, this is just the ramblings of some lazy undiagnosed weirdo...but I hope we maybe have enough in common that it could resonate with you

Okay it's hella past my bedtime...so good night/good day everyone

 

[SugarDave]

man I'm so sick of spending endless Friday and Saturday nights alone in my room

...yeah.

I can sense myself falling into another slump, it doesn't feel quite as difficult as other times it's happened but maybe the worst is yet to come. It's been almost 5 months since I started taking antidepressants and I've actually felt alright for much of that time. I stopped maintaining the exercise routine I had surprisingly stuck to since March three weeks ago though, and I've noticed a decline since around then.

I have many little mental health issues that aggravate but are ultimately manageable, but the loneliness is something that I think will genuinely kill me one day. It's at a point where even the mere mention of somebody being in a relationship or the brief sight of a couple will make me sad, something that should instead make you smile.

I'm actually young and fortunate enough to currently be in a position where I could choose a path and pursue it with few other responsibilities on my shoulders, yet I spend my days doing absolutely nothing.

EDIT: Yep, been lying in bed awake for 3 hours now and considering killing myself just as strongly as I have in the past. It's back.

 

[TangerineCloud]

I've really been struggling with these intrusive images of my girlfriend with her past sexual partners lately. Sometimes they keep me up at night, or I find them occupying my thoughts at work. I'm pretty sure they're rooted in jealousy over her sexual history, particularly the fact that it took her so much longer to do anything sexual (or even just make out) with me than it did with some of these past guys. I know it's fucking stupid and illogical and and petty and weirdly possessive and misogynistic, but I just don't know how to get anything more than temporary relief from the feelings of jealousy, depression, and anxiety that often accompany these images. I have an amazing relationship with this girl; I've never imagined that I could be as happy with someone as I am right now with her, but the feelings over these insignificant hook-ups she had in the past are tearing me apart inside.

I've tried communicating with her about my feelings twice, both times making sure she knew that she wasn't at fault for these feelings in any way and that it was all a result of my anxiety and/or insecurity. She was very understanding and open to hearing about what I was going through. She even encouraged me to talk to her again if I found myself wrestling with such feelings in the future. This went a long way toward alleviating the stress for a little while, but it eventually returned. I haven't been able to bring myself to talk to her about this again. I'm worried that this issue isn't temporary and that it'll ruin the relationship if I keep trying to talk to her about it. I just don't know what to do at this point. Tried talking to my therapist and had some success, but now I'm only able to see her once a month due to issues with our new insurance, which puts me in a really shitty spot. Right now I don't feel like I have anyone I can turn to about these feelings, and the last thing I want is for them to snowball and continue to affect me or hurt my relationship.

 

[neojubei]

I swear I need to go to gym and work out to lose weight. I just have this anxiety about going. I'm going to try again this coming weekend.

 

[TangerineCloud]

I swear I need to go to gym and work out to lose weight. I just have this anxiety about going. I'm going to try again this coming weekend.

Good luck, man. You can do it. I used to experience tremendous anxiety at the thought of going to the gym, but one day I took the plunge and never looked back. Idk if this helps, but the majority of people at the gym won't be looking at you or paying attention to you. In my experience, a lot of other gym-goers feel similar anxiety about being there.

 

[Xun]

It was meant to be an extended weekend of fun and relaxation which instead turned into a headfuck.

I haven’t felt this low for a long time.

 

[SlickShoesRUCrazy]

I swear I need to go to gym and work out to lose weight. I just have this anxiety about going. I'm going to try again this coming weekend.

You can do it man. I weighed about 330lbs in November.

I am down to 289(Maintaining the right diet is super hard when you enjoy beer haha)

I even rock star wars/comicbook shirts to the gym.

The people that judge people that are trying to better themselves at the gym can fuck off imo.

I just put in my earbuds and do my thing. Nobody else exists.

 

[neojubei]

Good luck, man. You can do it. I used to experience tremendous anxiety at the thought of going to the gym, but one day I took the plunge and never looked back. Idk if this helps, but the majority of people at the gym won't be looking at you or paying attention to you. In my experience, a lot of other gym-goers feel similar anxiety about being there.

Thing is I do look at others and seeing how great they look makes me even more self-conscious.

You can do it man. I weighed about 330lbs in November.

I am down to 289(Maintaining the right diet is super hard when you enjoy beer haha)

I even rock star wars/comicbook shirts to the gym.

The people that judge people that are trying to better themselves at the gym can fuck off imo.

I just put in my earbuds and do my thing. Nobody else exists.

im 340lbs or 350 i guess. years ago i got laughed at in the changing room. i think i posted about it here or somewhere. trying to get over that as well.

 

[aHebrewMenagerie]

Hey guys, I actually clicked on this thread by accident, but I guess it works out because I might be having one of the shittiest days of my life, and I feel like I'm going insane.

Basically my best friend (who had dated my sister for almost a year until a month or two ago) had sex with my ex girlfriend that he didn't even know until after we had broken up, and I had tried to vent to the girl I have been talking to and she made it about her and decided to block me on all social media. My ex had told me basically it was to get back at me for "abandoning her". None of my friends are available to talk right now so I feel like I'm trapped in my own head.

It sounds like some extra fucking soap opera shit and it's fucking dumb and I'm so upset. Shit is fucked.

 

[half a moon]

I've really been struggling with these intrusive images of my girlfriend with her past sexual partners lately. Sometimes they keep me up at night, or I find them occupying my thoughts at work. I'm pretty sure they're rooted in jealousy over her sexual history, particularly the fact that it took her so much longer to do anything sexual (or even just make out) with me than it did with some of these past guys. I know it's fucking stupid and illogical and and petty and weirdly possessive and misogynistic, but I just don't know how to get anything more than temporary relief from the feelings of jealousy, depression, and anxiety that often accompany these images. I have an amazing relationship with this girl; I've never imagined that I could be as happy with someone as I am right now with her, but the feelings over these insignificant hook-ups she had in the past are tearing me apart inside.

I've tried communicating with her about my feelings twice, both times making sure she knew that she wasn't at fault for these feelings in any way and that it was all a result of my anxiety and/or insecurity. She was very understanding and open to hearing about what I was going through. She even encouraged me to talk to her again if I found myself wrestling with such feelings in the future. This went a long way toward alleviating the stress for a little while, but it eventually returned. I haven't been able to bring myself to talk to her about this again. I'm worried that this issue isn't temporary and that it'll ruin the relationship if I keep trying to talk to her about it. I just don't know what to do at this point. Tried talking to my therapist and had some success, but now I'm only able to see her once a month due to issues with our new insurance, which puts me in a really shitty spot. Right now I don't feel like I have anyone I can turn to about these feelings, and the last thing I want is for them to snowball and continue to affect me or hurt my relationship.

Every tv show tells me girls what to do things "right" "slower" with a guy they really like if they felt like they went too fast in the past.

 

[half a moon]

Have any of you got approved for SSI on the initital app? What were your disabilities?

 

[CortexVortex]

Are you trying to make a game currently? What style/engine? Do you have a job in the game industry? School?

What problems are you running into currently, and why do you not think you'll improve?

I would consider myself a wannabe game designer, barely touched actual scripting or programming but I have a drawers full of maps, flowcharts and notes on graphpaper. Hell, I'm still adding and thinking about a "project" I started about 14 years ago (I was about 14 lol). Like, just yesterday I just thought of some stuff that might make a certain scenario a bit cooler and smarter. I don't even know why, that "project" is supposed to be on the backburner for a much smaller more manageable project (which means it should be done in 2025 instead of 2050 lol), and that smaller project is on the backburner while I get a portfolio together to break into the art/asset creation field. And then maybe learn some coding and scripting on the side while I'm getting experience in the industry.

So I got an Associates Degree...in 2012. Haven't gotten or tried to apply to a single job yet. Didn't really focus or want to do the programming, but I absolutely loved the idea of 3d modelling and makin' cool scenes and items, and want to put a portfolio together for that. Been working low-wage retail jobs from then til now, making a some stuff here and there in my downtime, never finishing anything and always getting bored and starting something new. Only last year I set up an Artstation to post stuff, but haven't really had anything to fill it out.

I HAVE, since last year, been attempting to focus. Almost everything I do is related to one big scene, and I'm trying to not work on anything else until I can call it finished. But, for me, as I'm finding out...focusing can be hard. I can have bouts of productivity, but most of the time I'm going at a snail's pace whilst I get distracted by videos, NeoGAF, and hunger. Some days I get extremely frustrated with myself when I see I barely did a thing, despite the free time I could have used for it. I think it's bad enough that I may need to see someone soon to see if I have some mild symptoms of ADHD which is likely by this point...(but that will be another post in the future.)

But hey, not able to make your game right now? You have some cool ideas for your game? That's fine, do what you're doing in the meantime to maintain your livelihood. Sit on those ideas. Think about it when your mind's free. Doodle some shit you think would be awesome to include. Play out scenarios in your head. Revisit old ideas, think if they could still work or not. Think about why you thought those ideas were good in the first place, and you've got a library to work from.

I don't know if this helps you or not, this is just the ramblings of some lazy undiagnosed weirdo...but I hope we maybe have enough in common that it could resonate with you

Okay it's hella past my bedtime...so good night/good day everyone

Thanks for the kind words, I appreciate it.
Yeah I have a degree in game design and 6+ years of experience in Loca QA/ Technical QA but it feels like I hit a wall.
The thing is, I'm not good at drawing or coding - I'm basically just the idea guy with some experience of supervising a team and lots of theoretic knowledge about games and what makes them fun. But that's absolutely useless.
I know I should finally start to learn a programming language or 3D modeling or... anything but everytime I struggle with something I just give up.

But hey, sounds like you're doing fine. Just don't pressure yourself too much. I hope to see your scene one day!

 

[Prax]

Hallo everyone. I haven't been back in this thread for a while, but I thought a check in might be nice!
Things are going pretty okay with me. Let me say again how dropping out of my Masters and pursuing a job in an area of comfort (I stock shelves lol) has been such a great boon to my mental health. Environment really does affect you greatly. If you find living up the the pressure of expectations miserable, there are many possible ways you can rearrange your life to ease up a little and let yourself grow before you try to take on the challenge that is "living life".

I also got into MBTI and personality type stuff, which is really fun and helpful. I know a lot of people think it's a crock of crap, but I honestly think it helps me understand myself and others better, especially what can help them engage with their lives and how it can be completely different from what will help me. So appreciate your differences from others and don't undervalue your strengths just because it doesn't "fit" with the majority. You need to have outlets to vent your skills and feel comfortable.

I have social anxiety. Every time I have to go somewhere, like a supermarket or a family visit, I tense up immensely. My whole body is raging against me; I get nauseous, dizzy, feel like I'm gonna faint, puke, go crazy, my legs get wobbly, depersonalization.

Now everyone (including my therapist) tells me that exposure to these things will in time make the fear go away, but I'm not there yet. I go out there every day but it's the same cycle every time. I have some tools do deal with these things now including breathing exercises, but I feel like the part where shit gets easier the more you engage with it isn't really working for me.

On bad days it just feels like I'm confronting my fears for nothing, I will forever be anxious. Did anyone in this thread actually get better from exposure to fears?

I did! I had a lot of social anxiety. Couldn't even say thanks to bus drivers while getting off bus or hesitant to order food from cashiers.
But you know.. things gotta get done..

I eventually became a cashier myself at a busy store and BOY was that exposure therapy! Just constant influx of Hello, how is your day? Scan items, take money, help pack. You start realizing nobody cares what you "say". They just want a smooth and pleasant and untroublesome interaction as much as you do and they are out of your life. It really helped me appreciate the transience of moment-to-moment life where things just don't matter or feel as crushing. I became a lot more mellow at 30 than when I was at 20.

Likewise, my cousin has worse anxiety than even me. Gives her stomach problems, sets her in a panic, etc. But she has a kid now and he needs to be driven to school and have play dates. So it's do or die. Necessity is the mother of all invention (and growth), I guess. So now she has forced herself to get a driver's license and drive even if it sets her panic off. Has to join mom groups and set play dates and be an advocate for her son, going against every grain of her anxious state of being. And over time, the more she deals with this and sees success, the more the new habits override the fear.

You may always have to live with bits of anxiety and the reminder of falling back to hold habits (old habits die hard, after all), but I think the more you try and practice, you get better over time.

I like these mental health charts as a good example of how recovery feels while you're working on it or at least trying to cope your whole life:

But since I set boundaries with my parents, my depression and anxiety has escalated. I don't really have anything I want to do. I don't have motivation to watch anime or play video games or go to the movies. I go to the gym 3 times a week but that's only such a small time waster with all the free time I have after therapy and class.

Another reason for my depression and anxiety is escalating is over-analyzing my thoughts. I keep thinking to myself ,"Am I liberal enough? Should I trust this source? Should I laugh?" I have some kind of paranoia/trust issues about this. This especially happens when I browse gaf or walk around my campus (Cal) which seems to be much more liberal than the norm. Good discussion and debate and retorts can be found here. And I like opening my ignorant mind to issues I did not know existed. But at the same time, I feel anxious and depressed that there is conflict, that things can get really volatile easily. I want to contribute, I want to ask and learn more, but I fear the response.

Does anyone have any advice for the issues I described in my last two paragraphs?

I think getting into a spot where you don't feel particularly interested in anything is hard to get out of. For example, I am on neogaf and I spend oodles of money on videogames, but when's the last time I even touched one or played one seriously? Maybe a year!
But on the other hand, maybe you can just find new places to spend your time without seeing it as a "waste". Or at least feel it is "time well wasted". You can be reading up on things as there are infinite amounts of stuff to read, or extend the bits of stuff you already are doing: gym => sign up for running clubs/marathons. CS class => jump ahead and learn more coding language.

As for the anxiety around social justice stuff, I think it's best to realize that everyone is a bit worried about that. I have said elsewhere that we are overloaded with information (both technical and social) and the average person, even the above-average person, is just not able to cope with all of that very well. It leads to an anxious state. I think what you can do it more narrow your focus on what resonates most with you.

There are millions of causes to "fight for" or be "informed" about, but you are just one person, so find a place where you want to contribute most and is also is comfortable so you CAN contribute at all. If it means something less controversial, like helping at an animal shelter, then so be it. One person can't do everything, but we can focus on the garden around us and help that flourish. I guess, go find your garden you want to help tend. If everyone does that, the world could be better without being so enmeshed with "fighting". Stay compassionate and open, but also realize you can contribute most in areas you feel at ease to contribute to (some people are definitely more at ease with leading charges against almost-impossible odds. You don't have to feel ashamed you are not one of these people because everyone has different proclivities).

I know for myself, although I try to stay informed and on top of things, there's only so much energy I have to spend "on the discourse". At some point, it gets so meta that it becomes pseudo-intellectualism gibberish to my brain, so I have to pull back and focus where my strengths are: try to maintain a less judgmental attitude to those around me and help one person at a time, starting with people close to me, which includes myself. This is how I manage the overload I experience.


I don't really have great solutions or wisdoms, but I hope some of that helps!

 

[TangerineCloud]

Every tv show tells me girls what to do things "right" "slower" with a guy they really like if they felt like they went too fast in the past.

Lol. That's actually pretty much what she told me the first time I let her know I was having this issue. The logical part of my brain knows and understands this, but I guess there's still some tiny, lingering insecurity that still manages to seize me regardless.

Thing is I do look at others and seeing how great they look makes me even more self-conscious.



im 340lbs or 350 i guess. years ago i got laughed at in the changing room. i think i posted about it here or somewhere. trying to get over that as well.

Ah, I can't say I've dealt with these particular issues, but I can definitely sympathize. Have you considered looking at your gym on Google Maps? There's a feature that can show you the time of day that it's usually most busy. Depending on how flexible your daily schedule is, you might be able to plan around the crowds and get in when only a few other people are present.

 

[TangerineCloud]

Well, thanks to a helpful gaffer who hopped into my PMs and recommended mindfulness, I've seen a noticeable improvement in my ability to handle the intrusive thoughts over the past day or so. The anxiety and discomfort are still there, but I'm getting better at letting go of them. Also managed to speak to my girlfriend about constructive ways to handle the thoughts together. Things are looking up.

 

[Menthuss]

I like these mental health charts as a good example of how recovery feels while you're working on it or at least trying to cope your whole life:

Yeah, that's pretty much how my life is looking right now. Moments of being content and moments where I feel like things will never get better.

I'm seriously starting to consider medication. I'm getting real fucking tired of my body throwing anxiety fits every time I try to do something. Any time I try to go to an event or something to try and meet people I always have to force myself and I just feel miserable. The whole time my mind is screaming at me to just go home while my body is constantly on high alert, looking for threats.

 

[Royal_Phalanx]

Protip: Don't tell anyone about taking antidepressants, even if it is a charity volunteer role you are aiming to do and you assume nobody would care. They can easily deny you for inexplicable reasons.

 

[Hamarr]

This week has been up and down.

I am feeling more stable overall and less paranoid compared to last time I posted. I got fully moved out Sunday evening, and finalized the house sale on Monday morning. This is a huge relief.

My new issue is that I don't have another place to live lined up. I have been living out of a hotel since Sunday evening. I put my dog in boarding Tuesday morning so I could go back to work. This has been really stressful on him.

I am worried now about the circumstances behind the foreclosure affecting my ability to rent. I am probably borrowing trouble. I'm not out on the street yet, but it is stressful to not have the stability of knowing where i am going to be living long term. I also can't afford to live out a hotel for long.

I have been having quite a few suicidal thoughts since I had to board my dog. I have been thinking of how it would be easy to kill myself while i am in a hotel where I will be found within a couple of days, and my dog is safe so I won't have to worry about his care immediately. But I don't want to leave a traumatizing mess for some hotel employee.

 

[Omega Ultimus]

This week has been up and down.

I am feeling more stable overall and less paranoid compared to last time I posted. I got fully moved out Sunday evening, and finalized the house sale on Monday morning. This is a huge relief.

My new issue is that I don't have another place to live lined up. I have been living out of a hotel since Sunday evening. I put my dog in boarding Tuesday morning so I could go back to work. This has been really stressful on him.

I am worried now about the circumstances behind the foreclosure affecting my ability to rent. I am probably borrowing trouble. I'm not out on the street yet, but it is stressful to not have the stability of knowing where i am going to be living long term. I also can't afford to live out a hotel for long.

I have been having quite a few suicidal thoughts since I had to board my dog. I have been thinking of how it would be easy to kill myself while i am in a hotel where I will be found within a couple of days, and my dog is safe so I won't have to worry about his care immediately. But I don't want to leave a traumatizing mess for some hotel employee.

I'd recommend to try and stay out of the hotel if you can. Keep yourself occupied so you can avoid the opportunity for those dark thoughts to manifest while you handle your housing issue. And I'm sure that it won't take too long to get resolved. Just think how happy your dog will be to see you again!

 

[neojubei]

i hate my life.

 

[ILoveMcChickens]

Does anyone have any advice for finding a good therapist?

I've had two and I haven't really been satisfied with either of them.

The first one was a psychologist who was way too expensive. I found that she classified me in this little bubble (social anxiety) and tried to approach all of my concerns and issues from that mindset. I don't believe my anxiety is strictly social and I experience it in situations that don't relate to others. She kept trying to jam me in that box though and I found it really disenchanting.

The second was a publicly-funded counsellor, who was thankfully free vs. the $250/session I was paying with the previous, but I found that she moved glacially slow in the treatment and we really didn't touch on my issues at all. Felt like she was just working out of a textbook and we really didn't touch on the issues that are specific to me. She just really generically taught me CBT skills like doing a thought record. This took a month to complete, just how to do a thought record. I quit after a few months of this. I really just got a sense she was there to bill the gov't for as many sessions as possible. Maybe it's unfair, but that's how I felt.

So... all that in mind, I'm feeling kind of disenchanted regarding therapy. I know it often takes quite a few therapists before you find one that clicks, but it's still disappointing.

 

[neojubei]

I think I am about ready to give up. I means what's death but a different phase we go through. How am I being here benefiting me or anyone else. If am going to be a loser and alone least let me die so I don't feel anything.
I know no one will tell me it's ok to die. I've been dancing around this issue for a long time and I know no matter what I do I'll never be happy in life. I'll never find love or luck being alive. Even if I lived to be 100 it will be years of misery and sadness. The best thing I can do for myself is give myself permission to commit suicide. If anything it would be the end of all this misery.

 

[Linkura]

Does anyone have any advice for finding a good therapist?

I've had two and I haven't really been satisfied with either of them.

The first one was a psychologist who was way too expensive. I found that she classified me in this little bubble (social anxiety) and tried to approach all of my concerns and issues from that mindset. I don't believe my anxiety is strictly social and I experience it in situations that don't relate to others. She kept trying to jam me in that box though and I found it really disenchanting.

The second was a publicly-funded counsellor, who was thankfully free vs. the $250/session I was paying with the previous, but I found that she moved glacially slow in the treatment and we really didn't touch on my issues at all. Felt like she was just working out of a textbook and we really didn't touch on the issues that are specific to me. She just really generically taught me CBT skills like doing a thought record. This took a month to complete, just how to do a thought record. I quit after a few months of this. I really just got a sense she was there to bill the gov't for as many sessions as possible. Maybe it's unfair, but that's how I felt.

So... all that in mind, I'm feeling kind of disenchanted regarding therapy. I know it often takes quite a few therapists before you find one that clicks, but it's still disappointing.

I have no advice to give, only that I know that feel. I've been seeing therapists on and off for most of my life, since I was a kid, and I've only very recently, at the age of 29, found one that I believe has truly helped me. And it was sheer luck. I just looked up local therapists on the Psychology Today website (at the advice of a local therapist I Googled but did not have any room for new patients) and left some messages. She was the first one who responded (about half of the practices I contacted overall didn't even respond) and had openings. All I can say is keep trying. This one does CBT with me, but offers specific goals weekly and provides various methods to help me find what works best and helps me talk through it all.

 

[sam12]

Any tips for general anxiety?

Whenever I go out alone somewhere I get anxious, I feel like people are judging me, even ones walking past me. Went to the beach today, was fine for the first 1/2 hour but even sitting alone on the beach, I was conscious about people sitting next to me, when the nearest they were was like 10 feet. Walking back, I kept looking down and when someone would pass by or in opposite direction I would keep thinking they are somehow judging me or will be joking about me, when nothing like that happened. I was never like this, overload of stress from various aspects has brought this on. Even in school when I moved to US and encountered a lot of bullying/racism, it was never this bad. I am perfectly ok when in a group though. Any advice or tips?

 

[half a moon]

The waiting game sucks. It's my money and I want it now! I should have applied months ago.