Legend has it, Medusa stared at Dinger and Medusa's face turned to stone.
As such, I tentatively locked eyes with my enemy, peering deep into his egg-shaped eyes, colored black, fitting for the Rockies' eyesore of a black eye.
There he was, on an otherwise delightful, sunny Wednesday at the ballpark Dinger. The worst mascot in sports. Barney after a meth binge.
Now, I'm sure Dinger hates me, too, with my smarmy tweets on deadline day ("Have they traded Dinger yet?") and haughty beliefs that a mascot shouldn't scare children and adults alike.
It's just there is nothing more tranquil than attending a Rockies game, yet there is nothing more nauseating than the Rockies' mascot.
Can we swansong Dinger and upgrade him with, say, that shouting, homeless guy on the 16th Street Mall Ride? Trade Dinger. Or release Dinger and start fresh. Maybe the Stanford Tree is ready to take the leap to the pros? Surely the Rockies would have a top pick in the Mascot draft, though they'd probably end up picking, say, Herbie Husker, the Greg Reynolds of mascots.
How is Dinger a major-league mascot? This thing is an embarrassment to the fans and symbolizes the hokey mom-and-popness that has plagued this franchise.
Let's break it down. The purple triceratops looks unfriendly like the only trait you DON'T want for a mascot with his black eyes, devilish horns and bizarre pink-and-purple potpourri of polka dots looming over his head, something that looks like a third-grader's art project. He waddles around like pre-Subway Jared, his Rockies jersey cut off at his midsection, a creepy peek and disconcerting reminder that the guy isn't wearing pants.
Retired Denver Post columnist Dick Kreck once wrote: "What a waste of carpet."
So even if Dinger just looked preposterous, that would be enough to fuel the ire, but his behavior is "Bush League." Crouching behind home plate in the late innings and taunting the opposing pitcher? Or creepily looming back there, like Rob Lowe watching people swim?
Dinger is a Times Square sideshow, the Easter Bunny taking a smoke break, the guy who plays the mall Santa during the other 11 months.
The pitching staff can wait. Revamp the mascot first.
