lem0n
Member
Hi, GAF. I'm hoping that typing this out helps me figure out what's going to happen, so bare with me. I know it's only speculation and only she can really give me an answer, but I feel some of you out there must have experienced something like this?
I've been with my GF for almost 6 years. It has been excellent, nearly all of it. We met on OkCupid and have been in love since we met. Well, until now, I think.
About my GF- she's a pleaser. Always has been. She loves helping other people, trying to be everyone's crying shoulder. Always in a great mood. A real wonderful girl to be around. Problem is, she puts everyone else first. This includes confronting issues with herself, or working on herself. This becomes important a little later.
A little back story, on when the issues started popping up: back in November, I caught her Facebooking another guy. It was someone she worked with at the time. I confronted her about it, and told her I need 100% honesty right now. I believe I got just that, judging by the look in her eyes.. We talked, talked, and talked some more. I asked if she was getting something from texting and showing pictures to this guy. She said it was like the romantic novels she used to write as a young teen... it was all just fantasy and whatever she wasn't getting from me, she was getting via FB messenger. I chose to believe it because I know her and I know when she's telling me the absolute truth. She's a horrible liar. She dropped it like a bad habit, as far as I could tell. She only worked there a couple more weeks until she was actually laid off because of lack of work. January was the start of "slow season" and she had the least tenure there, so she was let go. We worked out the attention issues, and I've been, from what she tells me, a lot better since.
This hurt me, bad. Like, real bad. I was distraught for a little while before coming around. But, it left some bad stuff behind. I'm now pretty insecure, always wondering if I'm good enough, always wondering if she'll just talk to someone else. Always wondering if I'm just not the guy she fell in love with, or if she's the one who changed. This also becomes important.
A few weeks ago we had a long talk. There were issues that weren't being brought up, and I could tell. Unrelated to what I just talked about. She wasn't quite her typical self. We talked and talked... we came to the conclusion that I have some co-dependency issues and also I can be possessive. These came around, I thought, because of the issue back in November. Well, I have tried these past few weeks to notice when I'm slipping up or when I say things I probably shouldn't. I'm trying to do better by her. She said she's noticed a big difference just the other day, actually.
Well, fast forward to last night. She uses Zedge for ringtones/sounds etc, and has a very distinct noise for a text message, which she never does. She's one of those strictly Facebook messenger type people. I was on the couch playing Rainbow Six while she was up. This is where I fuck it up: I looked. Moment of weakness, I guess. I'm just still insecure about some things I guess. I pried and this is what pushed her over the edge I think.
I went into the bathroom where she was at the sink in the mirror, and asked her who it was she was talking to. She turned around, and was like "really?" I said, "yeah, I'm sorry. I shouldn't have looked at your texts." I implied it was someone like the person at her old job... blah blah blah... she gave me a look like I was out of line and being ridiculous. To be fair the texts all seemed harmless, but it was still odd to be speaking so personally with a person she just met at her new job 2 weeks ago. That's why I brought it up. They were talking like old friends, and it just struck me as weird. Anyways. We talked a bit, and she started crying. I asked her what's wrong, and she says, "I..... I just feel like I'm losing.... patience. I don't know" We spoke more and I was to the point where I'm not entirely sure she's even "in it" anymore, by the way she says some things. By it, I mean, the relationship. She starts talking about "how she's always so focused on helping other people. How she's always trying to stay happy to make me happy. How she can't keep doing that." After that, it came to "I feel like I'm changing as a person. I feel like I'm on autopilot. I can't be anymore. I can't not focus on me." Now, I totally get that. She has a hard time telling me things that might make me sad/mad/whatever because of her personality... being a pleaser. Another issue she brought up is that she's realizing, in the past few days, how many times my possessiveness and or control issue has affected our lives, our decisions, or whatever else. Like, from the past few years. How so many things now make sense.
We move to the bedroom to talk more.
We're sitting on the bed. She said that there's something about the few years of possessiveness that she just can't handle. Something that isn't sitting right. I said, "fair enough. I understand that." Then, I ask her if she's still in love with me. She immediately says, "Yes, I love you so so much, sweetheart". I said, ".... that isn't what I asked, hun" I then got a silence, teary eyes, and a look that says "I'm not sure". I didn't know what to say... I'm still kind of in shock. I then asked her if she was happy, and she said "yeah, but I can't keep trying to be happy for other people."She starts crying more. She said it's physically and mentally paining her to say this, but "I think I need some time, by myself, to work on me." I told her that was okay, and to take whatever time she needed to figure things out. The rest was kind of a blur, but we cried in eachothers arms a few times, and I said, "hun, if you have to go (to ****'s house, her best girl-friend), please do it. I don't want you to feel like you can't go to figure shit out. I don't want you to feel like it's not an option." She seemed relieved that I said that. It took her a second, but she said, "okay....... I guess I'll get a few things..... and head out." I said okay. I stood there as she packed 2 backpacks and got her laptop. On her way out to the car, I said, "how long until you want me to contact you?" She said, "one or two days, probably..." I helped her to the car, gave her a kiss, and said "if you need anything, call me. I'm here for you." She gave me a kiss again, said I love you, and got in the car. I went inside and she left.
Today, when I got home, I saw that she changed her FB password, because her account info was up on the home PC with her old info and said, "last changed 14 hours ago" Which would be like 2am last night. We have really similar profile pics so I just hit enter on the Facebook main page thinking it was going to log me in.
I'm expecting the worst, but hoping for the best. I know it's so hard to judge because every relationship is different, but believe me when I tell you, it's a special one. Everyone says how jealous they are of us, how cute we are, etc. I just didn't see this ever happening. Do you think that there's a chance she will think about it and come back? Or does it sound like she's probably had enough and is just afraid to tell me straight up?
Sorry for the wall of text, guys. I couldn't TL;DR this if I tried. Please be kind, I know I've fucked up here and there.
I've been with my GF for almost 6 years. It has been excellent, nearly all of it. We met on OkCupid and have been in love since we met. Well, until now, I think.
About my GF- she's a pleaser. Always has been. She loves helping other people, trying to be everyone's crying shoulder. Always in a great mood. A real wonderful girl to be around. Problem is, she puts everyone else first. This includes confronting issues with herself, or working on herself. This becomes important a little later.
A little back story, on when the issues started popping up: back in November, I caught her Facebooking another guy. It was someone she worked with at the time. I confronted her about it, and told her I need 100% honesty right now. I believe I got just that, judging by the look in her eyes.. We talked, talked, and talked some more. I asked if she was getting something from texting and showing pictures to this guy. She said it was like the romantic novels she used to write as a young teen... it was all just fantasy and whatever she wasn't getting from me, she was getting via FB messenger. I chose to believe it because I know her and I know when she's telling me the absolute truth. She's a horrible liar. She dropped it like a bad habit, as far as I could tell. She only worked there a couple more weeks until she was actually laid off because of lack of work. January was the start of "slow season" and she had the least tenure there, so she was let go. We worked out the attention issues, and I've been, from what she tells me, a lot better since.
This hurt me, bad. Like, real bad. I was distraught for a little while before coming around. But, it left some bad stuff behind. I'm now pretty insecure, always wondering if I'm good enough, always wondering if she'll just talk to someone else. Always wondering if I'm just not the guy she fell in love with, or if she's the one who changed. This also becomes important.
A few weeks ago we had a long talk. There were issues that weren't being brought up, and I could tell. Unrelated to what I just talked about. She wasn't quite her typical self. We talked and talked... we came to the conclusion that I have some co-dependency issues and also I can be possessive. These came around, I thought, because of the issue back in November. Well, I have tried these past few weeks to notice when I'm slipping up or when I say things I probably shouldn't. I'm trying to do better by her. She said she's noticed a big difference just the other day, actually.
Well, fast forward to last night. She uses Zedge for ringtones/sounds etc, and has a very distinct noise for a text message, which she never does. She's one of those strictly Facebook messenger type people. I was on the couch playing Rainbow Six while she was up. This is where I fuck it up: I looked. Moment of weakness, I guess. I'm just still insecure about some things I guess. I pried and this is what pushed her over the edge I think.
I went into the bathroom where she was at the sink in the mirror, and asked her who it was she was talking to. She turned around, and was like "really?" I said, "yeah, I'm sorry. I shouldn't have looked at your texts." I implied it was someone like the person at her old job... blah blah blah... she gave me a look like I was out of line and being ridiculous. To be fair the texts all seemed harmless, but it was still odd to be speaking so personally with a person she just met at her new job 2 weeks ago. That's why I brought it up. They were talking like old friends, and it just struck me as weird. Anyways. We talked a bit, and she started crying. I asked her what's wrong, and she says, "I..... I just feel like I'm losing.... patience. I don't know" We spoke more and I was to the point where I'm not entirely sure she's even "in it" anymore, by the way she says some things. By it, I mean, the relationship. She starts talking about "how she's always so focused on helping other people. How she's always trying to stay happy to make me happy. How she can't keep doing that." After that, it came to "I feel like I'm changing as a person. I feel like I'm on autopilot. I can't be anymore. I can't not focus on me." Now, I totally get that. She has a hard time telling me things that might make me sad/mad/whatever because of her personality... being a pleaser. Another issue she brought up is that she's realizing, in the past few days, how many times my possessiveness and or control issue has affected our lives, our decisions, or whatever else. Like, from the past few years. How so many things now make sense.
We move to the bedroom to talk more.
We're sitting on the bed. She said that there's something about the few years of possessiveness that she just can't handle. Something that isn't sitting right. I said, "fair enough. I understand that." Then, I ask her if she's still in love with me. She immediately says, "Yes, I love you so so much, sweetheart". I said, ".... that isn't what I asked, hun" I then got a silence, teary eyes, and a look that says "I'm not sure". I didn't know what to say... I'm still kind of in shock. I then asked her if she was happy, and she said "yeah, but I can't keep trying to be happy for other people."She starts crying more. She said it's physically and mentally paining her to say this, but "I think I need some time, by myself, to work on me." I told her that was okay, and to take whatever time she needed to figure things out. The rest was kind of a blur, but we cried in eachothers arms a few times, and I said, "hun, if you have to go (to ****'s house, her best girl-friend), please do it. I don't want you to feel like you can't go to figure shit out. I don't want you to feel like it's not an option." She seemed relieved that I said that. It took her a second, but she said, "okay....... I guess I'll get a few things..... and head out." I said okay. I stood there as she packed 2 backpacks and got her laptop. On her way out to the car, I said, "how long until you want me to contact you?" She said, "one or two days, probably..." I helped her to the car, gave her a kiss, and said "if you need anything, call me. I'm here for you." She gave me a kiss again, said I love you, and got in the car. I went inside and she left.
Today, when I got home, I saw that she changed her FB password, because her account info was up on the home PC with her old info and said, "last changed 14 hours ago" Which would be like 2am last night. We have really similar profile pics so I just hit enter on the Facebook main page thinking it was going to log me in.
I'm expecting the worst, but hoping for the best. I know it's so hard to judge because every relationship is different, but believe me when I tell you, it's a special one. Everyone says how jealous they are of us, how cute we are, etc. I just didn't see this ever happening. Do you think that there's a chance she will think about it and come back? Or does it sound like she's probably had enough and is just afraid to tell me straight up?
Sorry for the wall of text, guys. I couldn't TL;DR this if I tried. Please be kind, I know I've fucked up here and there.
