Hope OP doesn't mind me posting in this thread, if you do, I'll delete.
I'm going through something eerily similar, only that we've been together for 10 years, married for 3, and known each other since we were 16, no kids. We met on an IRC channel way back when, and even though were in other relationships, talked a lot and were good friends, until we both happened to end our relationships at the same time and got together.
This whole time, we were good together - same taste in music, life, loved food, didn't like kids. But of course there were some hitches. She's been battling depression her whole life, and that sometimes took a toll. For the past couple of years, she's been on antidepressants, which have destroyed her sex drive. It has sucked, but not as much as you think, I haven't ever been with the most aggressive of libidos ever, and overall things stabilized a lot, she felt happier, I tried my best to go along with everything, giving space and supporting when needed. But this whole time, she's been a bit insecure, and I've been the determined one. But from my side I can get very distant, emotionally, when I'm stressed out, I'm really bad around the house with cleaning and paying attention to details.
After getting treatment for depression, she took on exercise, lost a bunch of weight, we took a dog, which I love a lot.
But I'm not a very physically active person. She took long walks with the dog, at some point just was seemingly ok with me not mustering the energy to go outside with them after finishing my work day couple of hours later than her. I produce a podcast and yt video game content as a hobby, so I took that time to dive more into that, and you know, to produce this stuff you have to play the games, too.
This Christmas, she was laid off work. With a nice compensation and not of her fault, but still. She's been on the hunt for a new job since, but no hooks, just taking care of the house and dog. The relations between us come a bit more tense, she avoids touch, and says she knows I don't really want to do it and just do it out of an effort. If she's been drinking, she tries to belittle or start a fight almost every time, for which she apologizes later. But, over the years, we've been through something similar and worked it out.
Last week, she talks about how she's not really happy and does not know what to do. I say that I'm sure it's just another down point as we've had over the years, but soon she'll finish her med cycle it'll be spring, the end of the year game cycle (yeah I know), has ended and we can spend more time together, we agree to try and give more attention to each other.
The next day, she goes to have a few drinks with our friends, I get a call around 1:30 from them and they ask if she's home, as she's been missing for a while. She's not.
My heart sinks. I open Find My iPhone, see that she's at one of our friend's place. No answer, I send a few text asking if this is it. I open the messages app and see all the stuff they've talked about, not good. They've been going on walks, he's been over for lunch. She comes home, we talk for hours, she tells me she misses the attention, and how good it feels to be around someone who really wants her, but hasn't cheated (I really do believe her). But isn't sure she wants to break up. I'm not either, and ask her to give it some time, and not see the friend, she agrees. I suggest that we should see a therapist, she reluctantly agrees. For a weekend, it actually seems it could be getting better. The tension's gone, we talk more than usual recently, laugh a bit, cook.
Yesterday I'm at work, we chat as usual, I notice she goes missing for bouts. When I come home, she's really down. I notice she's hiding texts, covering her phone. This has never happened for the past 10 years. We talk, I explain how I'm not really ready to throw away 10 years, relationship, home, dog. She gets mad and says it's not about me. I ask for her to be honest and say if they have been seeing each other. She gets angrier and storms out. Comes back and explains it's not about him. ( I believe it, but he's a catalyst). I ask again to not meet up with him until we've cleared things up, better or worse, she doesn't directly agree, but says she refuses to go to a therapist, to explain all these things to a stranger and be told to "put in effort and try harder".
We sleep in different rooms this night, and haven't talked today.
I think there are a couple of things that make this extra hard for me - that her first reaction was to split. Anything I suggested about changing my habits were met with "but I know you!", though I've never been in this sort of situation, and really believe I could change my habits a bit, not just for her, but for me, too. She says she doesn't want to try to change to please anyone any more, and doesn't want me to do so either.
But it would seem like giving up, if we split right away. Sure, it's not all about me, but I feel not only about her either, and it saddens me that she sees no path in the future where we are who we are, but together. We've spent the past 10 years together with maybe a week apart at most. She's my best friend, our lives are so intertwined. I have always been a serial monogamist and been in a relationship for all of my adult life, I've never really "dated". I'm going to be 33 this year, it's not old, but I'm not in my twenties any more either. I've made mistakes, a lot of them, but so has she. We both noted, that since we still do get along well, day to day, this is way harder than if we really were constantly fighting.
Not to mention my, what I thought, good friend being in the rafters grabbing her up as soon as I let go.
GAF, this is hard. I know most of you will say to move on, I've read the thread. But it felt good to write this down, I'm not much of a talker when it comes to my feelings.
DL; DR: I still love her, but I think I lost my wife.
