Support NeoGAF

[karmaforgotme]

You screwed up not her. Your girlfriend was not cheating on you because she was talking to another guy. You were being childish and treated her like a 16 year old her asking why a grown woman cannot talk to another man while she is in a relationship?

Did you read the OPs post before your knee jerk post? Yes a partner should be able to have friends no matter the gender of the friend, but he said she was sending pictures, and they was having talks that would be consider inappropriate. I have a feeling you would be pretty upset at your partner if they did the same, and you would be left with some trust issues. Still you are correct he shouldn't of looked, but that doesn't excuse her behavior.

Edit: Also let me point out someone making a mistake of infidelity (physical or mental), doesn't always mean a relationship is over. People make mistakes, and many a great relationship has arisen out of a mistake. That said if you can never trust again, it is over.

 

[LegendofDragoonLives]

I don't know whether it's over or not but I think this is the perfect time for you to work on your issues, preferably with a therapist.

And what issues would those be that he needs a therapist for?

So I've read through most of the topic now OP, and good job. You handled it like an adult, and good luck to you. There's a few horrible pieces of advice that I had sift through and roll my eyes at, but it looks like you rightfully ignored those nonsensical posts. General advice from gaf on this topic was on point though, and you looks like you listened. I don't know you but if I had to give a small piece of advice, I'll throw it your way. She said you were co-dependent and you stated you guys did everything together.

That's something to simply keep in mind next time, that you don't need to do everything together. Everyone needs a little bit space, even your significant other. I have no idea how anyone would deal with me 24/7, I'll tell you that. So in your next relationship, find things you two do that is different and give each other a bit of space. I can't comment on the controlling part, since that might have been insecurity that turned out to be right. I don't know if this is something you have done for years or more recent and we can see why. I wouldn't be surprised if she hooks up with the other fb guy 2-3 weeks post break up.

Props for handling it like a pro and best of luck to you mate.

 

[LiquidMetal14]

Unfortunately it could be a case of both sides causing s rift.

Trust is so key to any relationship that has a remote chance of lasting a significant amount of time and yours really did if it was 5+ years.

The thing is that jealousy and such can't creep up and if you also can't talk it out then it festers. The fact that she withheld info and then later opened up more as you were sitting on the bed says that she already had this doubt. Be it by her own will or yours, the seed was already there.

I also don't want to completely think like she's getting something from this other Facebook friend as if she can't get that candid nature from you. I think it's a Cheap cop out to facing some responsibility for her actions.

At this point it will be tough but you have to pull the plug and start your mending if she can't be open and honest as I'm sure if you're being truthful then you are providing that level to her.

 

[Into]

About my GF- she's a pleaser. Always has been. She loves helping other people, trying to be everyone's crying shoulder. Always in a great mood. A real wonderful girl to be around. Problem is, she puts everyone else first. This includes confronting issues with herself, or working on herself. This becomes important a little later.

Oh really?

A little back story, on when the issues started popping up: back in November, I caught her Facebooking another guy. It was someone she worked with at the time.

I guess she did not put you first, and in fact put her own ego and desires first. Your feelings were secondary, at best. Not only did she lie to you multiple times, in addition to telling you she "loves you" but also decided to somehow pin this on you being possessive. Because not trusting your SO who just happens to flirt with people online just makes you the most possessive, paranoid person in the world. Your assessment of her virtues is flat out wrong.


All this talking that you are referencing is probably your biggest problem. Instead of talking, just look at her actions. You are desperately trying to negotiate some piece of mind in this shitshow of a relationship. And its probably mentally exhausting. It should not have to be a battle.

Grab your balls and actually do something good for yourself, ditch this woman. Whatever she has to say is irrelevant. Watch her actions afterwords. If she actually loves you, she will do anything in her power to get you back. But she wont, because deep down even you know she wont care all that much.

I know you wont actually do this. Because you are still convinced you can somehow negotiate your way through this. I just hope that in the future you will learn to look at actions, instead of words. You will be quite amazed at how transparent people become. Good luck.

 

[Calion]

"caught her facebooking another guy" is the new...whatever.

lol. lololol.

No kidding. This shit (As well as looking at her damn phone without her permission) reeks of insecurity, possessiveness, and controlling behavior.

"I CAUGHT HER RED HANDED CHATTING UP MALES ON FB"

Plot twist: Perhaps she felt constricted and trapped because OP was possibly a bit too possessive.

 

[Snorlocs]

No kidding. This shit (As well as looking at her damn phone without her permission) reeks of insecurity, possessiveness, and controlling behavior.

"I CAUGHT HER RED HANDED CHATTING UP MALES ON FB"

Plot twist: Perhaps she felt constricted and trapped because OP was possibly a bit too possessive.

Maybe he became possessive because she was chatting up guys on fb. Why do you assume that it's his fault?

 

[crazyrabbits]

I know you wont actually do this. Because you are still convinced you can somehow negotiate your way through this. I just hope that in the future you will learn to look at actions, instead of words. You will be quite amazed at how transparent people become. Good luck.

He already did. Read the last page.

 

[karmaforgotme]

And what issues would those be that he needs a therapist for?

Maybe to help deal with trust issues that can arise from this?

Honestly I've had my own issues when it comes to trust. I once dated and lived with a girl (it was as serious as you can get without being married) who told me her first child died, which led to leaving Las Vegas for Tennessee. Well after a year of being in the relationship she comes home with one of our mutual female friends. With this friend by her side she precedes to tell me that she is not from Las Vegas, but Oregon, that I don't know her real name, that her first child is still alive, and she is wanted by the cops because drugs. In the middle of my shock for her story she offers me a threesome (to lessen the blow I guess), and of course I try to resist for like 5 seconds, but I didn't. We survived for like another 5 months, but I could never trust or feel comfortable with her again. She ended up marrying another guy locally, and they had two kids. Later for she left him for someone else and got addicted to drugs again. She has disappeared again, and her kids will never know her.

That said given what happen to me with her, and other issues I have with my mother (my mother was a serial cheater at one time) I really should see therapist myself. That said I have gotten over most of my issues (at least I like to tell myself that), and I've been married for almost 17 years now to an awesome girl. Still it would be nice to get some of this old stuff off my chest to a professional (of course I have told me wife all of this).

 

[Calion]

Maybe he became possessive because she was chatting up guys on fb. Why do you assume that it's his fault?

The OP states that he's quite insecure at times, even unreasonably so. With that being said, I see nothing in that paragraph that indicates "cheating". I don't see any flirting, leading on, or inappropriate action. What type of pics did she send? Funny pics? Memes? Selfies? Nude shots? If they were inappropriate pictures I feel like he would mention that, as well as any flirting behavior that is out of line. But that wasn't mentioned anywhere. For all I see, she was having a conversation and sending funny pictures over FB.

There's also an odd lack of detail for her 'fantasy novel' reason. Yes, that's alarming, but did the OP not ask what she was NOT getting from him? That could mean anything. Friendship, romantic attention, meaningful conversation, sexual attention, religious agreement, etc.

We only hear half of the problems here and I'm filling in potential pieces for the other half.

 

[cwmartin]

My initial reaction;

She is not a "pleaser" whatever that means, the craves attention from everyone.

 

[le.phat]

Girls in serious relationships don't talk to other guys for fun unless they have been friends for a long time, but even it's probably questionable.

It's been over for a while OP

I feel sorry for some of the other guys in this thread tho. Can't even imagine a woman formin new friendships while in a *gasp* serius rulayshunship. Thread reads like fucking group therapy.

 

[Booser]

Maybe to help deal with trust issues that can arise from this?

Honestly I've had my own issues when it comes to trust. I once dated and lived with a girl (it was as serious as you can get without being married) who told me her first child died, which led to leaving Las Vegas for Tennessee. Well after a year of being in the relationship she comes home with one of our mutual female friends. With this friend by her side she precedes to tell me that she is not from Las Vegas, but Oregon, that I don't know her real name, that her first child is still alive, and she is wanted by the cops because drugs. In the middle of my shock for her story she offers me a threesome (to lessen the blow I guess), and of course I try to resist for like 5 seconds, but I didn't. We survived for like another 5 months, but I could never trust or feel comfortable with her again. She ended up marrying another guy locally, and they had two kids. Later for she left him for someone else and got addicted to drugs again. She has disappeared again, and her kids will never know her.

That said given what happen to me with her, and other issues I have with my mother (my mother was a serial cheater at one time) I really should see therapist myself. That said I have gotten over most of my issues (at least I like to tell myself that), and I've been married for almost 17 years now to an awesome girl. Still it would be nice to get some of this old stuff off my chest to a professional (of course I have told me wife all of this).

Holy crap dude! Kudos for getting through that.

 

[Death Metalist]

Social media has fucked up relationships for our age. Sadly temptations like facebook means it's easier than ever to have "emotional affairs" with random people they barely know just because they are available at that time for them.

was over at "I caught her Facebooking another guy"

Get out while you still can, OP. Since she opened that door and took this action then it ain't gonna be like before. Might as well let her go "find herself" or whatever the fuck that means and try to enjoy the memories as well as you focusing on yourself.

I guess she did not put you first, and in fact put her own ego and desires first. Your feelings were secondary, at best. Not only did she lie to you multiple times, in addition to telling you she "loves you" but also decided to somehow pin this on you being possessive. Because not trusting your SO who just happens to flirt with people online just makes you the most possessive, paranoid person in the world. Your assessment of her virtues is flat out wrong.


All this talking that you are referencing is probably your biggest problem. Instead of talking, just look at her actions. You are desperately trying to negotiate some piece of mind in this shitshow of a relationship. And its probably mentally exhausting. It should not have to be a battle.

Grab your balls and actually do something good for yourself, ditch this woman. Whatever she has to say is irrelevant. Watch her actions afterwords. If she actually loves you, she will do anything in her power to get you back. But she wont, because deep down even you know she wont care all that much.

I know you wont actually do this. Because you are still convinced you can somehow negotiate your way through this. I just hope that in the future you will learn to look at actions, instead of words. You will be quite amazed at how transparent people become. Good luck.

Also, this.

 

[lem0n]

My initial reaction;

She is not a "pleaser" whatever that means, the craves attention from everyone.

This is the issue with the internet, people don't ever get a full picture. Not that it really matters what anyone online thinks she's actually like, but she is not like that at all. She loves to help people. She loves to make people happy. She loves to be a ray of sunshine in people's shitty lives.

We have been talking and getting shit on the table today. It's been nice. I feel some relief. Not trying to get back together, just fishing for answers. She's doing the same. We have a greater understanding of why we're in the predicament than ever before.

If nothing else, this is one of the most valuable life lessons one could learn.

 

[1871]

You do sound clingy. In six years, she hadn't given you much reason to feel so jealous if you do not report cheating.

She does not seem all that generous if she feels the need to highlight her selflessness right as she's leaving you.

People show what they want to hide. Proper qualities are more serene, anecdotal, they're not in your face. When Kanye says he's the greatest ever, it's because he knows he's not and it hurts him. She's hurting in some way.

Look, the best thing you want to do is be less present, make her miss you. Be as quiet as possible, be reflexive and create for yourself a situation in which you pursue different interests. She might change when she feels you're not a given.

You'll eventually look back thinking it was all immature. Past a certain age, no one gives a shit about the difference between loving someone and being in love with someone.

Love is something you do. It's caring for one another. It's being there. It's changing diapers, it's talking to your lonely grandmother. It's not a sensation.

 

[M0nochromatic]

This is the issue with the internet, people don't ever get a full picture. Not that it really matters what anyone online thinks she's actually like, but she is not like that at all. She loves to help people. She loves to make people happy. She loves to be a ray of sunshine in people's shitty lives.

We have been talking and getting shit on the table today. It's been nice. I feel some relief. Not trying to get back together, just fishing for answers. She's doing the same. We have a greater understanding of why we're in the predicament than ever before.

If nothing else, this is one of the most valuable life lessons one could learn.

It sounds like you're coming to an understanding. That's good to hear. I hope it works out for the best for both of you.

 

[jb1234]

And what issues would those be that he needs a therapist for?

I'm of the belief that there isn't a human alive who couldn't benefit from therapy. Co-dependency issues in particular tend to be deeply rooted and I think it could be greatly helpful for him to talk to someone. But it's up to him. I just don't want him to carry these issues with him to the next relationship.

 

[Sirpopopop]

25 is prime dating age.

Time to have some fun. Don't be like me and waste this time period in grad school...

 

[maxcriden]

You do sound clingy. In six years, she hadn't given you much reason to feel so jealous if you do not report cheating.

She does not seem all that generous if she feels the need to highlight her selflessness right as she's leaving you.

People show what they want to hide. Proper qualities are more serene, anecdotal, they're not in your face. When Kanye says he's the greatest ever, it's because he knows he's not and it hurts him. She's hurting in some way.

Look, the best thing you want to do is be less present, make her miss you. Be as quiet as possible, be reflexive and create for yourself a situation in which you pursue different interests. She might change when she feels you're not a given.

You'll eventually look back thinking it was all immature. Past a certain age, no one gives a shit about the difference between loving someone and being in love with someone.

Love is something you do. It's caring for one another. It's being there. It's changing diapers, it's talking to your lonely grandmother. It's not a sensation.

She did give him a reason to be jealous, though. She was emotionally cheating on him with some dude on Facebook and saying it was like a romance novel. That's not nothing.

 

[Agent Icebeezy]

Yup, time to leave.

 

[Omegasquash]

She said it was like the romantic novels she used to write as a young teen... it was all just fantasy and whatever she wasn't getting from me, she was getting via FB messenger.

So...she was getting a romantic feeling from a source that she wasn't getting from you? Was she like, trying to get it from you and she didn't?

Relationship was getting something of a threat there, but the worst thing you could have done is looked at her phone and got all clingy. She's wrestling with feelings of maybe seeing other people, and she's scared to pull the plug outright (I wager).

Her response to you looking at her phone could have been a defense mechanism, or it could have been actual disgust at distrust.

I don't know man, I'd say let it chill. You take care of you in the mean time while she's figuring shit out, and that includes seeing other people. Live your life and that's it.

 

[lem0n]

So...she was getting a romantic feeling from a source that she wasn't getting from you? Was she like, trying to get it from you and she didn't?

Relationship was getting something of a threat there, but the worst thing you could have done is looked at her phone and got all clingy. She's wrestling with feelings of maybe seeing other people, and she's scared to pull the plug outright (I wager).

Her response to you looking at her phone could have been a defense mechanism, or it could have been actual disgust at distrust.

I don't know man, I'd say let it chill. You take care of you in the mean time while she's figuring shit out, and that includes seeing other people. Live your life and that's it.

She was getting attention from this guy. I wasn't paying enough attention to her around that time, there was a ton going on and even more on my mind then. My mistake there was I was so content with the relationship being rock-solid, that I put it on the back-burner, or autopilot. I just figured that part of my life would be okay if I "neglected" it for a while. And by that I mean, focus on other stuff. Wrong.

I looked at her phone because of the Facebook thing. In the 5 and a half years or so before November, I was never snooping in her business. Ever. This only started recently.

I'm not entirely sure what her reaction was, even still, after talking to her. Either way, it wasn't good, and I think that's what should matter.

I am going to let it chill. I broke it off. I'm not saying if that we both act like adults, and both work on our issues, that it couldn't work out in the future. I'm saying now isn't the time. We need to grow, as individuals, before we can grow as a couple. And I'm okay with that. I don't want this happening again if I can help it.

Sorry that was kind of ramble-y. My minds fried.

 

[komplanen]

Lessons learned.

After ylu get over this, put them to practice.

 

[spekkeh]

After that, it came to "I feel like I'm changing as a person. I feel like I'm on autopilot. I can't be anymore. I can't not focus on me."

Yeah this is typical girl code for I'm interested in someone else. You caught her red-handed back then, and she's been overcompensating ever since, but realizing it doesn't change that desire. I don't think you're being over obsessive, it just makes her self-conscious of the fact she wants to be with someone else.

 

[Sora_N]

Sorry to hear that but it doesn't sound good. If it's over you should move on.

 

[Omegasquash]

She was getting attention from this guy. I wasn't paying enough attention to her around that time, there was a ton going on and even more on my mind then. My mistake there was I was so content with the relationship being rock-solid, that I put it on the back-burner, or autopilot. I just figured that part of my life would be okay if I "neglected" it for a while. And by that I mean, focus on other stuff. Wrong.

I looked at her phone because of the Facebook thing. In the 5 and a half years or so before November, I was never snooping in her business. Ever. This only started recently.

I'm not entirely sure what her reaction was, even still, after talking to her. Either way, it wasn't good, and I think that's what should matter.

I am going to let it chill. I broke it off. I'm not saying if that we both act like adults, and both work on our issues, that it couldn't work out in the future. I'm saying now isn't the time. We need to grow, as individuals, before we can grow as a couple. And I'm okay with that. I don't want this happening again if I can help it.

Sorry that was kind of ramble-y. My minds fried.

You made the right call, and thanks for sharing the background.

And, just friendly advice based on what I'm seeing, but don't accept any responsibility for her seeking feelings from other sources if you don't have to. It's one thing if she communicated that she was lonely and/or feeling neglected and/or needed more from you. That would be very fair of her, and if she did, then wouldn't have been surprised.

But if you didn't, then that's on her for not communicating. Ain't a relationship out there that's rock solid without work, but you have to call it out if it's not. It doesn't sound like that happened. Sucks that the both of you ended up like this. Sometimes that's the way relationships shake down, I guess, but still.

You made the right decision here. Let yourself grow, don't worry about her (trust me on that). Harder than it sounds (trust me on that too), but with time and a little effort, you'll be fine. Now, go hit the gym

 

[koryuken]

No trust in the relationship, it's over sadly

Not always, but it takes a ton of work to recover.

 

[Stevey]

Time to move on.
Sucks for now, but time will fix everything.

 

[spawnsniper]

Seems like her guilty conscious is making her take it out on you. Yeah its not cool to violate others privacy, but I mean she was talking to other dudes..then she tries to flip it on u? Idk I call bs on this.

People pleaser? So if other dudes want her nudes or whatever shes gonna go ahead and give it to them and u should be ok with that cause shes a people pleaser? C'mon thats also bs.

Sounds like shes the one that didnt respect the relationship.

 

[Kaze Kyou]

Good on you OP for taking the solid advice of GAF. You'll be recovering from this faster than others who didn't.

One piece of advice I'd give is to stop all communication. Zero messages, Facebook, Twitter etc. At the very least, cut it off for a year or two until you reach a point of being able to think about this part of your life without feeling sad.

This will allow you to mature and become an even better version of yourself. By then it'll also be clear whether or not a reunion AS FRIENDS is possible, but personally I would leave history as history (my exes have all been blocked and deleted off the face of the earth).

 

[M-PG71C]

The trust has been breached, its over in my book. If you cannot trust her unconditionally, then it is over.

 

[mrpookles]

"Work on herself" is code for she wants to see other dudes. Unfortunately, it's over.

Pull the plug yourself and move on.

Edit: which you did. Great work and you'll be feeling amazing in a few weeks/months. Hang in there.

 

[...Scatter...]

Yeah. It's over man. She's checked out for a while by the sounds of it and her little heart

Spoiler

not heart

is tingling at the prospect of new "experiences". Which is fine because hopefully you embrace it and go have fun again. You'll find a new girl. Statistically they're 51% of the population and as an organization, men get more women than any other group out there. Chin up.

🎶 Don't save her, she don't wanna be saved 🎶


Not saying this is you OP, but guys please evaluate yourselves throughout your relationship. Are you a hard worker or do you get fired all the time? Do you have any ambition and are you trying to better yourself? Are you taking care of your body by working out? Are you grooming properly? Do other girls find you attractive?

If other girls don't find you attractive any more chances are your girl won't either after a while. Too many guys get too comfortable and don't put the work in and find themselves blindsided when their chick wants to bounce. Have some introspection fellas. Become a great you!

 

[NateDog]

This is the issue with the internet, people don't ever get a full picture. Not that it really matters what anyone online thinks she's actually like, but she is not like that at all. She loves to help people. She loves to make people happy. She loves to be a ray of sunshine in people's shitty lives.

We have been talking and getting shit on the table today. It's been nice. I feel some relief. Not trying to get back together, just fishing for answers. She's doing the same. We have a greater understanding of why we're in the predicament than ever before.

If nothing else, this is one of the most valuable life lessons one could learn.

Out of curiosity how did she react when you told her you were definitively ending it?

 

[panty]

She has moved on ages ago... why didn't she talk about not feeling it a year or two ago?

Time for you to move on as well.

Also she ain't working on herself, she's just after other guys. She was checking some dude and you caught her. Don't make it like it's your fault.

 

[PixelPeZ]

Some of you guys don't understand how hard it is to accept "moving on" after spending together a better part of a decade and building a life together, especially if you've just been hit with the news. So the OP is really a champ.

 

[Moff]

Girls in serious relationships don't talk to other guys for fun unless they have been friends for a long time, but even it's probably questionable.

I'm not exactly sure what you are saying, is it "women should not have male friends" or "women don't want male friends?"

 

[LegendofDragoonLives]

Maybe to help deal with trust issues that can arise from this?

Honestly I've had my own issues when it comes to trust. I once dated and lived with a girl (it was as serious as you can get without being married) who told me her first child died, which led to leaving Las Vegas for Tennessee. Well after a year of being in the relationship she comes home with one of our mutual female friends. With this friend by her side she precedes to tell me that she is not from Las Vegas, but Oregon, that I don't know her real name, that her first child is still alive, and she is wanted by the cops because drugs. In the middle of my shock for her story she offers me a threesome (to lessen the blow I guess), and of course I try to resist for like 5 seconds, but I didn't. We survived for like another 5 months, but I could never trust or feel comfortable with her again. She ended up marrying another guy locally, and they had two kids. Later for she left him for someone else and got addicted to drugs again. She has disappeared again, and her kids will never know her.

That said given what happen to me with her, and other issues I have with my mother (my mother was a serial cheater at one time) I really should see therapist myself. That said I have gotten over most of my issues (at least I like to tell myself that), and I've been married for almost 17 years now to an awesome girl. Still it would be nice to get some of this old stuff off my chest to a professional (of course I have told me wife all of this).

Damn man, that's rough. I feel like you might need it more than the OP to be honest.

I'm of the belief that there isn't a human alive who couldn't benefit from therapy. Co-dependency issues in particular tend to be deeply rooted and I think it could be greatly helpful for him to talk to someone. But it's up to him. I just don't want him to carry these issues with him to the next relationship.

Eh to each his own but for this I don't see the need. He is very self aware or at least now is about it. He is a champ for handling a break up. I just talk to my best friends or my sister about such issues if I need to talk to someone.

 

[lem0n]

Hey guys, figured a small update is in order.

We're still separated. We talk occasionally, and it's always cordial and nice. I've come to terms with her being gone for good and I'm taking this time to work on me. Like most of you said.

I got an interview for a merchandising gig Friday. Got my best friend to get me in. He waited 7 months for his interview, I waited 2 days. Nice to have a guy inside! I'm going to be out of retail, finally. I've grown so cynical working with shitheads day in and day out, I can't wait to be done with that.

The job is strenuous and I have to be at the plant, 30 minutes away, at 4am. Lmao. It's going to be a big change but I'll get, essentially, double the hours I get now, and 4.50 more an hour pay. Plus benefits, 401k, and monthly no-callout bonuses. Oh and off at noon. Dope!

I'm getting off track here, but I'm just excited! Thanks again to everyone who gave honest and sincere advice. 19 & 21, I'm looking at you especially. Your advice was right on the money and I took it to heart buddy.

Cheers!