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NFL 2012 Week 6 |OT| The C-Word Is For Lovers

V

verbum

Member
This writer, Mike Tanier, at Sports On Earth is good. Some enjoyable previews of upcoming games.

The Falcons, like the Texans, are an undefeated team with more substance than style, which means a lot to the style-obsessed. “Looks good, smells bad,” was Keyshawn Johnson’s witty television appraisal of either the Falcons or an asparagus casserole. “Unless you win in the playoffs, you’re going to be known as ‘next year’s champions,’” said designated NFL curmudgeon Mike Ditka, adding that kids these days don’t understand the value of nuthin’.

Calling an undefeated team “overrated” is a low-risk proposition -- the Falcons and Texans are both going to lose a few games, folks -- and a team’s goal in the early season is not to make believers of coaches who won their last playoff game in 1990, but to assemble enough victories to provide a comfortable lead in the standings. The Falcons and Texans have both done that. A Falcons-Texans Super Bowl still doesn’t feel likely, but if it happens the doubters will claim that both teams acquired “it” along the way -- “it” being the magical ability to change the minds of people who weren’t thinking too hard in the first place.

Prediction: Falcons 27, Raiders 17
Click to expand...

Cowboys at Ravens

1 p.m. Sunday, FOX
Line: Ravens by 3 ½

There is an epidemic spreading among NFL quarterbacks: a disease called cimex electissimus, or Elite Cooties.

A quarterback cannot contract Elite Cooties from himself or from contact with other quarterbacks. The disease is passed through remarks made by agents (Joe Flacco’s case) or teammates like Jason Witten (Tony Romo’s case), though prolonged exposure to talk-radio personalities (Eli Manning, summer 2011) can also be dangerous. Once the quarterback is diagnosed with Elite Cooties, the contagion goes viral, and the patient must be quarantined while everyone debates whether he is really “elite” or not, and how much bloodletting it will take to cure him.

Elite Cooties is, in many ways, more of a schoolyard game than an illness. (Note to younger readers: In previous generations, children played schoolyard games in which they chased each other around. This is now classified as bullying, and if it happens to you, immediately contact your school district’s Overreaction Coordinator.) There is nothing really wrong with the quarterback, and the label means about as much as the “cheese touch” from Jeff Kinney’s “Wimpy Kid” stories. Elite Cooties satisfies the sociological need to symbolically ostracize individuals and call attention to their differences or shortcomings in a safe, “playful” setting. By pointing, rolling our eyes and guffawing about Flacco’s or Romo’s out-of-context “elite” remarks, we reassure ourselves about our own flaws and reaffirm our herd affiliation. Until we get tagged and ridiculed, then it is not so much fun.

Are Flacco and Romo “elite” quarterbacks? Only 171 men have ever thrown for over 10,000 yards in the entire course of human history, and they are two of them. Since about 106 billion humans have ever lived, Flacco and Romo are in the 99.999999th percentile of quarterbacks in the human era. That is pretty elite, from an anthropological perspective. Watch last week’s Ravens-Chiefs game or Cowboys-Bears from the previous Monday, on the other hand, and you will realize these guys are no threat to Tom Brady. Of course, no one ever thought they were, not even themselves, nor the people who gave them cooties in the first place.

No one has called a teammate or client “elite” recently, because people are now aware of the dangers. Perhaps the Elite Cooties game has been retired. It could be revived at any second, though, and most of us would not welcome it. As Kinney’s middle school protagonist says of the “cheese touch:” “I don’t want that kind of stress in my life anymore.”

Prediction: Ravens 19, Cowboys 16
Click to expand...


Patriots at Seahawks

4:05 p.m. Sunday, CBS
Line: Patriots by 3 ½

For your convenience, Sports on Earth provides this handy Random Seahawks Final Score Generator. It allows you to predict the outcome of a Seahawks game without the tedium of actually watching a Seahawks game.

Step One: Start with any two unlikely football final scores between 8 and 18, inclusive. You can randomize these numbers by picking them out of a hat, which is exactly how the Seahawks call offensive plays.

Step Two: Roll one die and add the result to the lower score. This represents a two-point conversion, long field goal, late game safety, two late-game safeties or some combination thereof. When the Seahawks face the Rams, roll two dice to account for Greg “Legatron” Zuerlein.

Step Three: Add three points to the score that did not get the die roll. This is the Seahawks’ home-field advantage: noisy crowd, wet field, jet lag, complicated uniforms with DayGlo trim and funky tessellated patterns that hypnotize opponents.

Step Four: Flip a coin. If it lands on heads, the Seahawks get the higher score, because the opponent’s last-second throw into the end zone failed. Tails, and the opponent gets the high score, because the Seahawks’ last-second throw into the end zone failed. If the coin rolls down the street and into the sewer, send Lance Easley to fish it out.

Bill Belichick knows all about the Random Seahawks Final Score Generator, which is why he is having the Seattle area flooded with loaded dice and trick coins.

Prediction: Patriots 22 ½, Seahawks 5π
Click to expand...

http://www.sportsonearth.com/article/39718076/
 
J

jakncoke

Banned
Man browns fans are so fun to listen to on the radio. there a bunch of cult members that are now leading guys we still and probably will still finish the year 6-10 or 7-9 !
 
C

chuckddd

Fear of a GAF Planet
Gonna watch some of these college games since I won't see any tomorrow. I'll also be scouring for talent, just in case the Steelers don't get the #1 pick.
 
G

Greg

Member
flip on ESPN while I eat some lunch

baseball highlights
baseball talk
baseball highlights
baseball talk
commercial
baseball talk
 
F

FrenchMovieTheme

Member
Greg said:
flip on ESPN while I eat some lunch

baseball highlights
baseball talk
baseball highlights
baseball talk
commercial
baseball talk
Click to expand...

was it tim kurkjian? i can't stand that asshole

HERE ARE THE TOP 1,000 REASONS WHY BASEBALL IS BETTER THAN FOOTBALL.

NUMBER 1000, THE SACRIFICE BUNT.
NUMBER 999, THE DH RULE.
NUMBER 998, THE SEVENTH INNING STRETCH
 
J

jakncoke

Banned
Greg said:
flip on ESPN while I eat some lunch

baseball highlights
baseball talk
baseball highlights
baseball talk
commercial
baseball talk
Click to expand...

well.. i must say.. WHAT THE FUCK IS WRONG WITH YOU. im unsure how some of you think espn is somehow going to get better on repeat viewings. someone once said crazy is doing the same thing over and over expecting a different result
 
G

Greg

Member
FrenchMovieTheme said:
was it tim kurkjian? i can't stand that asshole

HERE ARE THE TOP 1,000 REASONS WHY BASEBALL IS BETTER THAN FOOTBALL.

NUMBER 1000, THE SACRIFICE BUNT.
NUMBER 999, THE DH RULE.
NUMBER 998, THE SEVENTH INNING STRETCH
Click to expand...
:jnc

it was Nomar Garciaparra

jakncoke said:
well.. i must say.. WHAT THE FUCK IS WRONG WITH YOU. im unsure how some of you think espn is somehow going to get better on repeat viewings. someone once said crazy is doing the same thing over and over expecting a different result
Click to expand...
I actually enjoy SportsCenter. I usually record one of the late night shows every night and fast forward through the segments I don't care for, but there was nothing else worth watching on right now because Saturday television is bad.
 
E

eznark

Banned
Bizarre that a sports station is talking about baseball the day after two thrilling playoff series deciding games I mean truly, truly bizarre.

Not a single Tebow segment? No mention of QBR? No power rankings?? My god ESPN, what has happened to you?
 
C

chuckddd

Fear of a GAF Planet
Did MLB intentionally take off this Saturday so that they could play Sunday and go head-to-head with the NFL? Is a group of developmentally challenged monkeys running that league?
 
J

jakncoke

Banned
eznark said:
Bizarre that a sports station is talking about baseball the day after two thrilling playoff series deciding games I mean truly, truly bizarre.

Not a single Tebow segment? No mention of QBR? No power rankings?? My god ESPN, what has happened to you?
Click to expand...

where brent segmenst and barry bonds! and clemens..ect! where
 
G

Greg

Member
eznark said:
Bizarre that a sports station is talking about baseball the day after two thrilling playoff series deciding games I mean truly, truly bizarre.

Not a single Tebow segment? No mention of QBR? No power rankings?? My god ESPN, what has happened to you?
Click to expand...
let's not get carried away here
 
E

eznark

Banned
chuckddd said:
Did MLB intentionally take off this Saturday so that they could play Sunday and go head-to-head with the NFL? Is a group of developmentally challenged monkeys running that league?
Click to expand...

Did a group of developmentally disabled monkeys look at the schedule and write this post for you?
 
GraveRobberX

GraveRobberX

Platinum Trophy: Learned to Shit While Upright Again.
Made out like a bandit with that EA Origin fuck up lol

10 Games total = $199.00 for Free... LOL!

jq4Jtl.png
 
G

GhostWriter24

Member
Yup, Berman is the worst commentator in America next to Joe Buck.

A pure hatred for Berman burns brightly in my heart to this day. He just seems like such a fuckwad.
 
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