Merry Christmas, Madden League.
I spent some time and went shopping for a bunch of you.
CB3 and I are getting
Championship Rings! Because frankly, this is probably the only way we'll ever get them unless we go full Ramirez and earn the asterisk'd way.
DCX and
Bluemax, I'm going the extra mile for you guys this year and am getting you MaddenTips.com Guides. You both have no problem stretching the rules (real or imagined) and I want to help you guys get your game to the next level:
DM, I know you've been getting into Halo: Reach and enjoying it. But I remember you playing Halo 3 on Easy so many years ago, so shopping for you was easy. I just want you to have fun, pal:
For my co-commish,
FMT, I've took donations from the whole league and this is what we came up with:
Now, whenever you lose your balls, you'll always know where to find them.
For
Livewire, my actual close real life friend and confidant, shopping was hard. But I ended up getting you:
and
After IM-gate, it only feels fitting that you go full Judas.
Daw and
Ramirez, one a recent father and the other a longtime league member and great father, it was easy to shop for you guys. I got you both what every baby needs:
Smokey, my recently engaged AFC South brother/brotha. Congrats on your engagement. Since you've been with this girl for so long, I know you probably aren't getting laid anymore, so you were easy to shop for:
Eznark, new this year, but it feels like he's been around for ages. Peerless trolling, latent racism and a proud father all wrapped in a tight, redneck package. Speaking of tight packages:
For your inevitably fuckable daughter. Don't worry, she'll grow into it.
Wellington, long has it been since you controlled your Giants. I hope this gift finds you well and helps you get back to form:
Pheenix, I feel like during NHL, I really got to know you better. We've talked a lot over the years, sometimes when you were fantasizing about murdering Smokey, sometimes when you were just high and hungry. Merry Christmas, friend:
Now, find the courage to fuck one of those girls you live with.
Crow, gentle golden retriever owner, friend of Starcraft pros all across Korean lands, and much-maligned AFC West member. Yours is maybe my most favorite gift of all. It's definitely the one I'm most excited to give you (and the league!)
Beginning with Madden 14, you'll be playing as the Arizona Cardinals, forever.
Lastly,
MrBob, you truly are a precious league member. For you, shopping was easy. I found you the thing you wanted most: