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PoliGAF 2017 |OT5| The Man In the High Chair

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T

Teggy

Member
All I know about COS is from episodes of the west wing, but it doesn't seem like a job suited to a general. But trump is an idiot so whatever.
 
A

Autodidact

Banned
Futurevoid said:
In the know folks on twitter are saying to look out for/expect Ron Johnson to be the new Homeland Security nominee.
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I'd take it. Wisconsin's governor cannot appoint an interim replacement. We'd have to have a special election this year, and with how relatively close the race was last year and how things have changed since, a Democrat could win.
 
W

whyamihere

Banned
http://www.theonion.com/article/reince-priebus-forced-back-into-ancient-puzzle-box-29803

Reince Priebus Forced Back Into Ancient Puzzle Box After Being Tricked Into Saying Name Backwards

WASHINGTON—Startled sources at a GOP fundraiser confirmed Thursday that after being duped into saying his own name backwards, ancient elfin mischief-maker and Republican National Committee chairman Reince Priebus was cast back into the gilded puzzle box that has confined him for millennia.

Priebus, a wily, mystical creature who has reportedly carried out right-wing political trickery at numerous points throughout recorded history, was said to be delivering a speech on traditional family values when he unthinkingly read the words “Subeirp Ecnier” aloud off the teleprompter, immediately causing the lights in the Omni Hotel to flicker and sending a powerful, chilling wind through the convention hall.

Witnesses stated that in the moments after the fateful words were uttered, Priebus reverted to his natural form as a 3-and-a-half-foot-tall wart-covered hobgoblin. As Priebus’ nose grew red and bulbous and the points of his green felt shoes coiled inward, the puzzle box—forged with images of a sword, a skull, and a jackal—shook violently on a nearby tabletop before splitting open and emitting heavy smoke and an eerie purple glow.

“Oh, no, you tricked me!” the irate conservative dwarf is said to have shouted after invoking the curse, his voice growing higher in pitch as he shrank to one-twelfth his normal size. “No, not again! Mark my words: I’ll be back! I’ll come back to get all of you! I always come back! The world hasn’t seen the last of Reince Priebus!”

“Government must be smaller!” the tiny-voiced Priebus reportedly added before a vortex of sparkling light began sucking him into the other-dimensional void within the ancient container. “Smaaaaalleeeeer!”

According to onlookers, as the unseen force tugged him toward the puzzle box, Priebus clutched desperately to the lectern and cursed the fate that awaited him, managing to squeak out one last plea to cut federal abortion funding before disappearing into the glowing chamber.

“It was the strangest thing,” conservative blogger Christine Parnell said. “One second Reince was talking about the importance of a two-parent household, and the next he turned into this ugly, shrieking little troll and began levitating across the podium. But as soon as the box snapped shut around him, all the lights came back on, the wind stopped, and it was as if he never existed at all.”

While it remained unclear who planted the incantation on Priebus’ teleprompter, sources suggested it was likely Democratic National Committee chairwoman Debbie Wasserman Schultz, a frequent victim of the gremlinlike creature’s fiendish ploys and deceptions, which are said to include orchestration of the Citizens United decision, the congressional debt-ceiling standoff, and the 2012 Republican Party platform.

Priebus is believed to have concocted dozens of right-leaning schemes since assuming the form of a human male upon his most recent release from the box in 2009, and scholars said the diminutive, frequently giggling prankster has been engaging in socially conservative and business deregulation hijinks for centuries.

“Whenever there’s been a major historical movement toward eliminating social programs, the deceptive elf Reince Priebus has typically been involved,” said Cambridge University historian Arnold Bissel, stating that dozens of cultures throughout history have oral traditions speaking of a “wild-eyed devious creature” who pestered his progressive political foes. “Time and time again he’s wreaked his havoc, whether it’s slashing taxes on the wealthiest, disenfranchising voter blocs, stealing berries, or stymieing women’s rights. Reince Priebus is a crafty little imp.”

“However, he’s easily susceptible to the same tricks he plays on others,” the scholar continued. “In the end, the mischievous little fellow always gets deceived himself and winds up back in his tiny cage.”

While the precise origins of Reince Priebus remain shrouded in mystery, it is widely believed he was conjured by ancient druids from fire and untaxed business profits to serve as an eternal protector of corporate interests and lax weapons laws. According to Bissell, ancient Egyptian hieroglyphs provide the first known depiction of the being: a miniature pointy-eared figure who advised pharaohs and who, according to lore, was revered as a god for his advocacy of a robust national defense and Egyptian exceptionalism.

Additionally, writings about an oily elfin deceiver known as “the Prybus” have placed the legendary creature in the Irish midlands in the 16th century, alongside emperors of China’s Tang Dynasty, among the Austrian Habsburgs, and within the Roman court of Pompey, where he allegedly solidified a place as a valued aide with his ability to secure limitless campaign contributions.

“What’s most bizarre is that the puzzle box has no visible lock or mechanical components at all,” Bissell said. “Indeed, it can only be opened when a young conservative firstborn who is pure of heart holds it tightly with both hands and utters ‘Government spending is out of control’ three times, thereby summoning forth Reince Priebus once more.”

At press time, the whereabouts of the golden puzzle box containing the demonic right-wing trickster were unknown.
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#tbt
 
H

Hopfrog

Member
David Nakamura‏Verified account
@DavidNakamura
Follow
More
Priebus is in this van on tarmac at Joint Base Andrews, as Potus has not yet disembarked. Driver pulled van away as press moved toward it
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Holy shit I am dying here.
 
T

Tranqueris

Banned
"Get your shit and get out! Also make sure to go defend me on Hannity later today."

By the way, I have no way to prove this but I feel like the increase in the use of the word "nothing burger" was directly attributable to Priebus for some reason. Maybe it's just the incredibly annoying way he said it. Either way I'm glad to see him fired via Tweet.
 
F

Futurevoid

Member
I should note that the Ron Johnson thing should be filed as just rumor right now. Chris Geidner and a few others have said it makes the most sense since he's the Chair of the Senate Homeland Security Committee.
 
C

CrimzonSamurai

Member
I really wish we had the reverse angle on that shot of McCain voting, I want to see his face when he gave the thumbs down while looking Mitch straight in the eye.
 
F

Futurevoid

Member
Oof.

DF2do--XsAAzq_h.jpg


He apparently resigned yesterday.
 
H

Hopfrog

Member
Slayven said:
feels like Trump is cutting ties with the GOP and just being Trump Island
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That would be an incredibly stupid thing to do, so following "Trump logic" that is exactly what he will do. Sure, attack the party that could help impeach you if they thought you had become too much of a liability - brilliant plan.
 
G

Gurgelhals

Member
VendettaRed07 said:
Is there anyone in the GOP who cares about Preibus or be annoyed by his firing
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Preibus is party establishment (he was the GOP Chairman before he was appointed CoS) and thus was pretty much the GOP point man in the White House. So, yes, expect them to be pissed at this move (Kelly isn't even a Republican, he's independent). Suffice to say that this doesn't make it easier for Trump to get major legislation passed in Congress.
 
F

Futurevoid

Member
Current Sec of Homeland:

Chris Geidner‏Verified account @chrisgeidner 24s24 seconds ago
More
A career federal government employee, Elaine Duke, is the deputy secretary of DHS, confirmed in April. She will be the acting DHS secretary.
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Until someone else is nominated. Career official, etc.

whyamihere said:
That says watch their reaction, not watch him pick Johnson.
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There was another tweet stating Johnson was a possibility as well which grew from that initial tweet. I'm trying to find it. My twitter feed moves fast. Like I said though, take it as nothing but rumor/conjecture right now.
 
R

Random Human

They were trying to grab your prize. They work for the mercenary. The masked man.
Do you think Bannon is sweating right now? I'd love to see him go. Imagine if Trump got rid of Bannon and Sessions...
 
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