Fun story: a friend and I saw Welcome to Raccoon City in theaters opening weekend. Now, we're not diehards. We're casual RE fans, having played the games and knowing the lore, but don't really care about the series. I honestly don't care about any series. If a game is good, a game is good and I'll play it usually only once or twice. So we went in with low expectations and being hard to offend. But I digress.
We went to the film dead sober, which was probably our first mistake. 10pm, Saturday, opening weekend. 10 people there. We started making fun of how bad it was as it went, but by the half hour mark we were so fucking shocked by how bad it was that all we could mutter was "oh my god" half the time.
When would it end, I thought. Was this my purgatory? Was this what I deserved for my sins in life? But yet we finished the film. Not because we wanted our money's worth. No. But because some evil satanic force kept us from being able to stand. The panic set in.
The film ends. We are hunched over outside, mumbling about the absolute trash we had witnessed while we sucked in the outside air as if we were in a shelter underground for the last decade. As if in a daze, we stumbled across the street and got black out drunk to try and forget. A temporary solution. The hangover was extreme, and the absolute pain and agony washed over us as our brain cells kicked back in the next day.
It was the worst movie either of us have ever seen. It was torture. It was hell. And I wouldn't wish it on my worst enemy.
I do not exaggerate. We're both huge horror movie fans, so we've gone out of our way to watch some real straight to VHS trash before. But never have I seen something so bad.
It took at least a month to recover from that film. A mere mention brought nausea. To this day I feel a discomfort just hearing its name.
Any video game adaptation is better than that movie. Most certainly The Witcher. Granted, I don't know shit about the Witcher, but still. And before any cheeky bastard decides to mention Uwe Boll, I already have a response to that. Yes, his films are bad. But just stupidly bad. Not mind destroyingly offensive bad. I'd rather watch all of his films in a row than watch Racoon City again.
Oh God. I'm having flashbacks. I need a drink.