I'm not angry anymore. There's just pain now...

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Blades64

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I can't remember the last time I've felt like this, if there ever was a time...

I can barely even see my phone screen as I type this. The tears just refuse to stop flowing...

For the past 9 months we have been trying to adopt a 13 year old girl. Her name is Arlen. We fostered her during the Christmas holiday and we simply fell in love with her. We knew immediately that we wanted her in our lives until the day we die.

My government's system is so messed up. We've done everything right. We've poored out so much of ourselves. Our hearts BLEEDS for this beautiful young lady, and she loves us as well.

Today I got a phone call, after 9 months of back and forth; fighting all the way through, that Arlen is no longer up for adoption. Her sister came out of nowhere and expressed interest in adopting her as well. Family comes first they say...who can argue with that right?

It has got to be the single most devastating news we've ever received since getting married. At first I was angry. Extremely angry. 4 hours have passed since the phone call, and now, I'm not angry anymore...there's just pain now. Pure, unabridged, unrestrained...pain...just pain...

I don't even know why I'm making this thread. I just need a place to vent...
 
I'm sorry man. Truly sorry.

But maybe you can talk to the sister. She might realize taking care of her may be too much.
Though I wish the best for the child.
 
My condolences, OP. The adoption systems are pretty similar here in the states. Foster parents have to jump through millions of hoops and months of court hearings to get a child and all that can be wiped out by a family member who shows the smallest of interest.

My wife and I were considering doing it for our nephew and were met with heaps of bullshit, none i'm willing to dive into but believe me, I know exactly how to feel.
 
I'm truly sorry for your loss. Hopefully, the two of you are able to have a full and happy household at some point in the future.
 
That's unfortunate, sorry to hear that. I have a friend that I work with who fosters children, she's had everything from infants to 8-10 year olds come through, usually stay with her for a week to a few months, and then end up back with a relative or back in the same situation they were in before because the mother changed her mind or a relative stepped forward. I imagine it never gets any easier to have people come into your life, grow fond of them, only to have them taken away.

Again, sorry for your situation, hopefully things will get better with time.
 
What is the context exactly, how and why did the sister show up after 9 months? It sure does suck so I hope you'll find someone else, but normally I'd say blood goes first. Still curious as to why the sister showed up after almost a year..
 
I'm going to go ahead and assume that she actually has no say in all of this as well? I mean she's 13, so she's not old enough probably to make legal decisions, but does she actually want to go with her sister. She's young, but she's not young enough to not have opinions on things.
 
This broke my heart to read :( I'm really sorry OP.

I hope her sister takes good care of her at least, to maybe give some peace of mind :(
 
Unbelievable how this stuff is even possible. How do they not have a system where a search is done and adaptability is ENSURED before letting a family bond to a child and a child bond to a family. Absolutely ridiculous. Makes my blood boil, really wish I hadn't read this, ruined my mood.
 
I can’t imagine what that feels like. It is upsetting that all of a sudden a family member now wants to step forward. I understand that sometimes family members might not be able to accept the responsibility right away though.

Not to get personal, but do you already have kids already?
 
That´s terrible. The whole adoption process must be incredibly stressful - the balance between finding out that you like a certain kid enough that you want it to become your child legally and having to deal with the fact that it´s up to other people to decide.

I´m definitely considering adoption in the future (my fiance has a heart valve replacement that makes pregnancy very problematic), and reading this breaks my heart.
 
Alebrije said:
Family comes first.


Time to see for a new girl/ boy that you can make happy.
Click to expand...

Also, I feel like I understand what you're saying, but I view this as very dangerous thinking. Just being family doesn't make you a quality person and that you are going to put the best interest of someone else first.

Individual cases should be done on individual basis based on the feelings of the child, the conditions of living, the capability of the adoptive parents based on certain metrics etc.

Sorry that things are rough OP this would probably kill me too if I was in the same situation. Feeling like you're forced to separate yourself from someone based on some artificial reason is terrible and while I haven't had anything like this happen losing people you care about is the worst.
 
Blades64 said:
Belize. Small country in Central America.
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Ick. Doesn't surprise me all that much, then. I know of a couple who had similar shit happen to them in Panama. All that effort for not much. Terrible shit, that... Although they were able to stay in contact with the boy they were trying to adopt. Are you in a position to do this?
 
3bdelilah said:
What is the context exactly, how and why did the sister show up after 9 months? It sure does suck so I hope you'll find someone else, but normally I'd say blood goes first. Still curious as to why the sister showed up after almost a year..
Click to expand...

I'm not so sure myself. She hasn't expressed any interest before but now that she has, the government will do everything they can to make that work. I really can't argue with Arlen going with family though. It just sucks...

Phenomic said:
I'm going to go ahead and assume that she actually has no say in all of this as well? I mean she's 13, so she's not old enough probably to make legal decisions, but does she actually want to go with her sister. She's young, but she's not young enough to not have opinions on things.
Click to expand...

She doesn't have a say, but I'm thankful that it's her sister that she's going to anyway. Arlen told us all about her, and they have a good relationship.

Her sister is pretty young (19 years old) so I'm guessing that she was kinda struggling with the idea of having responsibility over her younger sister, but she made up her mind now. This is a sucky situation for us but I'm glad she's going with family.
 
I'm really sorry man. I hope you don't give up on adoption altogether because of this, but I wouldn't blame you. I hope everything works out.
 
Zantetsuken said:
I can’t imagine what that feels like. It is upsetting that all of a sudden a family member now wants to step forward. I understand that sometimes family members might not be able to accept the responsibility right away though.

Not to get personal, but do you already have kids already?
Click to expand...

We don't have any children yet, but my wife is pregnant with our first. We find out next month if it's a boy or girl.

Masquerader said:
Ick. Doesn't surprise me all that much, then. I know of a couple who had similar shit happen to them in Panama. All that effort for not much. Terrible shit, that... Although they were able to stay in contact with the boy they were trying to adopt. Are you in a position to do this?
Click to expand...

We're not sure yet if we'd be allowed to do this, but I sure as hell hope so. Loosing her as our own child is one thing, but the idea of not having her in our lives at all...I don't even want to think about that right now...
 
Just because you can't adopt doesn't mean you can't be part of her life, right? Keep in touch and be a second family for her
 
Blades64 said:
I'm not so sure myself. She hasn't expressed any interest before but now that she has, the government will do everything they can to make that work. I really can't argue with Arlen going with family though. It just sucks...



She doesn't have a say, but I'm thankful that it's her sister that she's going to anyway. Arlen told us all about her, and they have a good relationship.

Her sister is pretty young (19 years old) so I'm guessing that she was kinda struggling with the idea of having responsibility over her younger sister, but she made up her mind now. This is a sucky situation for us but I'm glad she's going with family.
Click to expand...

Whydonothaveboth.gif
 
Blades64 said:
We're not sure yet if we'd be allowed to do this, but I sure as hell hope so. Loosing her as our own child is one thing, but the idea of not having her in our lives at all...I don't even want to think about that right now...
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Well, that largely rests on the shoulders of the sister, so it does. Normally it would be better to move on, but seeing as you care for her, try to stay in contact with her. Build relations with her sister, too. If she's the reasonable sort, she'd understand. You two take care, now~
 
I'm sorry to hear that OP but on the bright side she is with a family now. I am a believer in sometimes things happen for a reason and that reason maybe something better for us in the long run.
 
I'm really sorry to hear that OP, I'm not really sure what else I can say to try and ease the pain. Let's hope that the child's sister will take good care of her, maybe even try and get in contact with her maybe? In time at least, when you are ready. Best of luck with everything, we're here if you need us or want to do more venting.
 
I'm so sorry. You did good by being her friend though. You're good people OP
 
Blades64 said:
She doesn't have a say, but I'm thankful that it's her sister that she's going to anyway. Arlen told us all about her, and they have a good relationship.

Her sister is pretty young (19 years old) so I'm guessing that she was kinda struggling with the idea of having responsibility over her younger sister, but she made up her mind now. This is a sucky situation for us but I'm glad she's going with family.
Click to expand...

Hopefully it is a good situation for her. Sorry for the heartbreak you're experiencing, but you should be happy if she is in a safe and caring environment.
 
So sorry op. I hope you have better luck in the future. Adoption is such a high character thing, I like to think good parents who want to adopt will find the right fit.
 
You may not want this since it would keep the pain alive, I know. Yet, is it possible you can still have a relationship with her? Is her sister open to that?
 
Wow I'm sorry Blades that is really sad news. Glad you aren't angry though as that doesn't help anything. Process the pain and it will slowly fade away. -_-
 
Dang, OP that's rough. At least she's with her sister. Someone that she has a good relationship (from how it sounds) with.

Keep your head high.
 
My condolences OP.

My sister in law went through some adoption heartbreak.

She befriended a 19 year old girl who who was not married and had recently become pregnant. She told my sister in law she wanted to put the baby up for adoption. My sister in law wanted to adopt and she took care of this girl for 8 months. Paid her rent, paid her medical bills, gave her money, took her to all of her appointments, furnished and decorated a room for the baby, and when the baby was born the mother claimed she never told my sister in law that she wanted her to adopt the baby. She claimed she never wanted to put the baby up for adoption and she had my sister in law thrown out of the hospital and she never heard from her again. She basically used my sister in law and took her for everything she could get out of her.
 
bill0527 said:
My condolences OP.

My sister in law went through some adoption heartbreak.

She befriended a 19 year old girl who who was not married and had recently become pregnant. She told my sister in law she wanted to put the baby up for adoption. My sister in law wanted to adopt and she took care of this girl for 8 months. Paid her rent, paid her medical bills, gave her money, took her to all of her appointments, furnished and decorated a room for the baby, and when the baby was born the mother claimed she never told my sister in law that she wanted her to adopt the baby. She claimed she never wanted to put the baby up for adoption and she had my sister in law thrown out of the hospital and she never heard from her again. She basically used my sister in law and took her for everything she could get out of her.
Click to expand...
Ugh... awful... D:
 
she may not be your adopted daughter, but that doesn't mean she will be out of your lives. stay in contact, help in whatever way you can. I'm sure the little girl is in need of all the love she can get.

Do you know the elder sister? is she incapable of providing a good life for her little sister? she is most likely trying to do the right thing.

Of course I don't have to tell you that the little girl's well being always comes first.
 
OP you said the sister is 19? in what context, family or not, would a 19 year old be a better option for Arlen than you and your wife? seems odd that family trumps best possible living situation. is Arlens sister even financially capable of taking care of Arlen and herself? nd the government doesnt take into account that you had 9 months with Arlen? im also confused as to why Arlen was up for adoption but had a sibling who knew about her and can supposedly claim her, why was this sibling not doing this 9 months ago, and where was this sibling the past 13 years of Arlens life? sorry forthe questions, im just not understanding some of the finer details to your story. i wish you the best and the same for Arlen. :) sorry things didn't work out :/
 
OK a brief back story for the interested. Obviously I can't go into detail but here it is:

Both of Arlen's parents have passed away. Her mother when she was about 2 years old, and her father when she was 11. She was placed into child services because her aunt took her in after her father died, but her aunt was abusive. Her sister was also living in that situation, and when she became 18 years old she left the home, and Arlen shortly after got taken into child services' custody.

Arlen and her sister have a close relationship but at the time her sister was not financially stable to take Arlen with her, and plus she was intimidated by the responsibility of it all. Fast forward a year later and she's now in a better place financially and seems more confident that she can handle the responsibility. During that year period was when my wife and I got involved. We signed up for the Christmas Foster care program at our local children's home and Arlen got selected to come to our home. She was a stranger to us at the time but like I said earlier, we fell in love with her.

We started the adoption process and worked on it for 9 months (since Christmas) but now that her sister is in a better place fininacially she decided that she wants to take Arlen. We don't know her sister that well, but we know enough to know that that's the situation. We're hoping to just build relationship from here with the family. This sucks for us because she won't be our daughter technically but I'm still glad that she got placed with her sister...
 
Very sorry to hear, Blades. But her family is probably the best place for her to be.

See if you can work out becoming extended family for her still. I'm sure her sister will need the help, and I suspect she'll need all the positive adult influence around her that she can get.

Best of luck.
 
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